05x24 - Hello, Columbus – Goodbye, America

[bunniefuu]

Oh, max, I'm so sorry I'm late.

But dr. Baker had an
emergency tonsillectomy.

Oh, really? I didn't know that
baby doctors pulled tonsils.

No, it was dr. Baker's
tonsils that were pulled, max.

Oh, all right, 99.

Now according to the
chief's instructions,

We were to get down
here and keep our eye out

For anybody who
looked suspicious.

Right, max. What
else did he say?

Well, he said that something
very strange and unusual

Was gonna take place here today.

Now that is nice.

what would you
say that is worth, 99?

oh, a lot, max.
That's a van gogh.

Isn't he the guy who
cut off his own ear?

Right. He sent it
to his girlfriend.

He must really
have loved her a lot.

Either that or he hated his ear.

Now that look much better

Than the picture of the girl
with the dumb smile on her face.

Mario: yeah, that's-a nice.

- Mario?
- Yeah?

You think the boss
is gonna like this one?

He's gonna love it.

Max, what are they doing?!


Blatant daytime robbery

I've ever seen in my life.
All right, hold it right there.

Take your hands
off that picture.

How's-a we gonna take the
picture if we don't use our hands?

Rico, you take-a pic,
I take care of him.

- Max, that's probably a priceless vase!
- Wait a minute!

You can't use a priceless
vase for a w*apon.

Hold it! How much
is that worth, 99?

- Look out!
- Max, hold it, you're making a mistake.

Chief, thank heavens you're here.
These men were stealing a painting.

Chief, you won't believe it.

They were trying to take it right
out of here in front of our very eyes!

Max, stealing it and taking it

Are two entirely
different things.

They have a right to take it.

Of course, those men
have a right to-t-t...

They have a right to take it?!

I know this is going
to come as a shock.

But that painting and
every painting in this museum

Belongs to the
man they work for.

But chief, everything in this
museum belongs to the united states.

That's the trouble, 99.

The man they work for
owns the united states.

But it sound incredible, chief.

How could one man
own the united states?

What's even more incredible is

Why one man would want
to own the united states.

Well, all I know is that a document
was recently unearthed in genoa, italy,

Proving that
christopher columbus

Claimed the united
states for himself in 1492.

- Oh, I get what you're driving at, chief.
- What?

Well that means that
the nation's capital

Will have to be changed from
washington d.c. To columbus, ohio.

That has nothing to do with it.

Go on with your story, chief.

Well, our country was
transferred verbally to spain.

Then a few centuries,
our forefathers took over.

Now do you see what
I'm getting at, max?

Does it have anything to
do with the civil w*r, chief?

Max, what he's saying

Is that we took over a country
that we had no right to take over.

Exactly. According
to international law,

The document that
was unearthed in genoa

Proves conclusively that christopher
columbus still owns the united states.

- Well, then, we're in luck, chief.
- Why do you say that?

Christopher columbus is dead.

- I know that, max.
- Has been for a long time.

- I know that too.
- In case you're interested, chief,

Ponce de leon is no
longer with us either.

Max, I'm only
interested in one man...

The direct descendant of
christopher columbus... Gino columbus.

And he's the legal owner
of the united states?

I'm afraid so, 99.

Well, we're gonna have to
do something about this, chief.

Well, we intend to. The president is
going to try to talk gino columbus...

Into signing the
country back over to us.

- I - want you to meet
him at the airport.

Did you hear that, 99? I'm going to
meet the president at the airport.

Not the president,
max, gino columbus.

He's arriving this afternoon
to look over his property.

Now I want you to stay
with him at all times.

I don't want you to leave his side
from the minute he walks off that plane

Until he meets
with the president.

Oh... Well...

There goes our baseball
game for tonight, 99.

Oh, that's all right, max,

I couldn't get a
babysitter anyway.

One more point, max:

Gino columbus is to be accorded

The red carpet treatment.

You have authorization
to grant him

Anything he wishes, no
matter what the cost.

Man over p.a.: announcing
the arrival of italian airways

flight number 46 from rome.

passengers now
arriving at gate 17.

announcing the
arrival of italian airways

flight number 46 from rome.

passengers now
arriving at gate 17.

Columbus, I'm smart.

Okay. How is a-two and two?

- Four.
- He's smart, all right.

I don't think you understand.

I happen to be maxwell smart,
secret agent 86 of control.

Oh, well, why didn't
you say that before?

This is the man

Who's gonna be my guard-body.

And I like you to
meet nina, pinta...

Don't tell me... Santa maria?

No, that's rosa.

All right, girls, you go
and check the baggage

And then I see you
outside, all right? Okay.

Be careful. Don't
pinch the boys, huh?

Oh.

Oh, same to you.

Mr. Smart, there's a couple of
things I want you to do for me.

Yes, well, I'm
under strict order

To cater to your every whim.

Your idiosyncrasies, your
compulsive inclinations

Are to be gratified without
reservation or restraint.

- Huh?
- Whatever you want, you get.

Oh, well, listen, that's good.

You know, just before landing,
I look outside the aeroplane

And I see this place
where the president lives.

- The white house?
- The white house, yes.

Well, I take one look
at the white house,

And I say to myself, "I
gotta do something."

- You want to visit it?
- I want to paint it.

Don't take another step.
We are kaos agents gemini.

- What do you want?
- Information.

tell us what we want
to know or you die.

You're wasting your time.

Besides, do you
know who this man is?

This is gino columbus, the
new owner of the united states.

That's what we wanted to know.

Mr. Smart, the joke
has gone far enough.

I mean, it's very amusing...
Don't get me wrong...

But I got a lot of things to do.

What you gotta
do is come with us.

We're not going anywhere.

It's either that or get sh*t.

You wanna go for a little while?

Eh.

Good afternoon,
mr. Columbus, mr. Smart.

My name is borgia.

Borgia! Of course!

You're the man who
poisoned 23 people

And a pair of parakeets.

- No, mr. Smart.
- 23 Parakeets and a pair of people?

I am borgia of kaos.

Okay, I'll accept that, but don't
expect to have a drink with my bird.

Borgia, that's a...
Italian name, no?

I'm half italian.

My dear mother was mexican.

Mexican and italian?

Boy, you must have
some heartburn.

signor di borgia, I don't
know what this is all about, eh?

Personally, I think that all
americans are a little bit, uh...

You know what I mean?

But this is beside the
point. I want you to know

That I own all of
the united states.

I'm quite aware of that. That's
why you were brought here.

I tell you what I'm gonna do.

If you let me go, I'm gonna
give you a nice present.

I give you pittsburgh.

We don't want pittsburgh.

That's funny, neither
does pennsylvania.

We want it all, mr. Columbus.

So if you will cooperate

By signing this agreement
turning the united states

Over to kaos...

Just a moment, you
can't hand our country...

I'm sorry, your country,

Over to an
organization like kaos!

If I do this for you, what
are you gonna give me?

Your life.

- Go on...
- That's it.

That's it?!

I mean, well, the price
is right, you know.

Well, the price
isn't right with me.

ay! mama mia!

What's he got in his
pocket, a printing press?

Must be a duplicating machine.
The copies are getting lighter.

Mr. Smart, we could
spend the rest of the day

Continuing this
childish activity.

As you have seen, I'm quite
prepared for all emergencies.

Therefore, I recommend

That you suggest to
mr. Columbus... To sign.

I'm sorry, mr. Borgia, but I
cannot make that suggestion.

Columbus?

And I'm ashamed of
you being half italian.

You leave me no alternative.

Gemini, is the door locked?

Yes and we have the key.

Well, we'll give our
friends some time

To contemplate their decision.

I'll give you five minutes to
change your mind, mr. Columbus.

We'll do our utmost
to influence you.

And should you decide
to see things our way...

Just blow this whistle.

He was just practicing.

I wish was in-a roma!

And I'm from venice!

And I don't even like-a rome!

I wonder what he
meant when he said

He was gonna do everything
in his power to influence you.

I don't know.

But boy, I sure could
go for a glass of water.

I've never been so
thirsty in all my life.

Ah, nice! Room service.

Columbus! Look at the floor!

the water, it's not draining.

Now I know what he meant when he
said he was gonna try and influence you.

He's gonna fill this room with
water and try and drown us!

Mr. Smart, do something!

Me? You're the
one who's thirsty.

How are we gonna stop the water?

Go over there and see if we
can find a way to turn it off.

It's no use! It's no use!

In a couple of minutes,
we gonna be under.

No no no, listen to me please!

I want you to blow the whistle.
I want signor borgia to know

- I change my mind!
- Look, columbus,

This is gonna be very difficult
for you to understand,

- But I can't blow the whistle.
- Are you crazy?!

- We gonna drown!
- I'm sorry, but I've got my reasons!

First of all, I can't allow you to
turn the united states over to kaos!

Th-th-that's not a
good enough reason!

Well, how about this?

I just dropped the
whistle in the water.

- Is that good enough?
- That's a beaut.

Uh-oh, something is wrong.
The water's rising too fast!

It must be coming from
another source than this.

Columbus, listen.

One of us... One of us has to
dive down and get the whistle.

- Can you swim?
- N-n-n-no!

Oh, well, I can. So, I'll
swim around up here

- And you dive down and get the whistle.
- Uh-huh!

Th-th... That doesn't
make no good sense!

Not to you either, huh?

Okay, I'll dive down and you
stay up here and tread water.

I don't even know how
to tread the water!

Well, I'll be seeing
ya down below.

Lots of luck! Oh!

- How did you do?
- No good!

This was the only
thing I could find.

Mr. Smart, you pulled the plug!

The water, it's
starting to go down!

Ha ha! Whoo!

Now we gotta find a
way to get out that door!

Oh yeah!

- max, it's me, 99!
- hey! That's-a my wife!

- Huh?
- That's my wife, you know what that means?

- That we're gonna be saved!
- Not only that,

But it means she was
able to get a babysitter!

So kaos tried to b*at us to it?

Yes, chief.

But it was a good thing that


Well, it could've been a disaster
for all of us, but it's given me an idea.

What's that, chief?

Chief: what is it, larabee?

Chief, I just received
word from the white house:

The president is ready
to meet with mr. Columbus.

he has a document
all ready to be signed.

I will sign the thing.

And then I'm gonna board
a boat and go back to italy.

- Hey!
- It won't be as easy as all that.

Chief, are those
longshoremen on strike again?

No, larabee.

Kaos is certain to make another
attempt at abducting mr. Columbus.

I still don't see what
your plan is, chief.

We'll let kaos abduct him.

That's a terrible plan, chief.

No, hear me out.

We'll use a decoy.

Kaos will kidnap the decoy
and while they're torturing him,

The real mr. Columbus here
will be taken to the white house.

Now do you think it's
such a terrible plan?

- Well, it's got one hitch in it.
- What's that?

- Who's the decoy?
- You.

That's the hitch. You'll
never get away with it, chief.

I don't look like columbus.
I don't even speak italian.

Besides, chief, at
control training school,

Max flunked t*rture
three years in a row.

Goodbye, larabee.

Goodbye, chief.

Max, there's nobody
else I can send.

All my men are on assignment.

I can't pass myself
off as columbus.

Now if you don't
take it, who can I send?

- All right, I'll take it.
- But max, it might be dangerous.

Yes, but there's a good chance

That they'll never be able to
tell that I'm not mr. Columbus.

All I have to do is to
remember not to sign anything,

Because they'd be able to tell
my signature from his signature.

How would they
be able to tell that?

Very simple, chief. My
name begins with an "s."

His begins with a "k."

Uh... "C"?

It'll take at least a week
for the torches to dry.

Ah! Welcome back,
signor columbus.

Eh, linguini, linguini!

It worked just like
you said, borgia.

We waited outside control's
secret headquarters,

And he came out all alone.
No escort, no nothing.

No bodyguards? No
control agents? Explain that.

Yes. Well, I was on-a my
way to lunch, and, uh...

- Control would let you eat alone?
- Yes, well,

When they found out I was-a
going to have a garlic sandwich,

They insist.

Well, are you prepared
to sign over america to us?

Or... Do we fill
this crypt again?

No more water, a little-a
wine-a maybe, but-a no water.

- Your signature then.
- I no got-a strength to sign anything.

I'm-a starved.

You gotta remember,
I've been-a swimmin' all day.

I sympathize with you.

I, too, require constant
stoking of the human furnace

To function properly.

- Gemini...
- Yes, borgia.

Run over to antonio's

And get our guest
some nourishment.

Well, what do you want?

You got a pencil and a paper?

- sh**t.
- Eh?

- What do you want?
- Ah.

Eh, yes-a let-a me see now.

Little-a "fettaccinonay."

- "Feccacini."
- And a little "rabbalalonay."

"Ravolini."

- And-a some "cachalatoray."
- "Cachatorini."

- And a "mastorolay."
- "Mastorolay."

- And a "riggatononay."
- "Riggatononay."

And some bicarbonate of soda.

Are you through?!

Not-a quite.

That's the longest
meal I ever watched.

Signor columbus,

You are stretching my hospitable
nature to a breaking point.

Mama always say,

"You no clean-a da plate,

You're not get-a the apple pie."

Apple pie?

That's not an italian dish.

It is if you put-a
tomato sauce on it.

That's enough.

Are you ready to sign?

I tell you what I'm-a gonna do.

I gonna sign-a...

half of my name now

And the other half
when I finish eating.

Finish what?

I no have-a the full stomach,

I worry. I worry, I
no sign-a da pape.

- But you ate enough to sink a ship!
- I know.

The last time I ate-a so much I
was on the andrea doria. Pfft.

Well, if he wants more
food then get him more.

I certainly don't like
filling this crypt again.

This month's water
bill is gonna be m*rder!

What do you want this time?

- You ready?
- Ready.

Okay!

Here we go.

- Antipasto.
- Antipasto.

- Lasagne!
- Lasagne!

- Mozzarella.
- mozzarella.

- Marinara.
- Marinara.

- No bicarbonate of soda?
- Just the priest.

Signor columbus,
it's been three hours

Since you walked in
here requesting lunch.

We can't stall any longer.

Sign or die.

Okay okay.

I'm-a too full and
I'm-a too fat to die.

Where's the pen?

He must have ate it.

Well, get another!

Never mind. I'll do it myself.

You know, I gotta
hand it to you.

Please-a, don't-a
hand-a me nothin'!

I'm-a full up-a to here.

No, I'm talking about
how you put food away.

You know, me and my partner,

We've lived in boarding
houses for years,

And we've seen a
lot of big eaters,

But you take the cake.

Well, I was just telling
mr. Columbus that...

Mr. Smart is the name, gemini.

That call came from kaos
agent kovack at the white house.

The real columbus just
signed the united states

Back over to the united states.

Good.

Well...

I guess the masquerade is over.

And so is your life.
sh**t him, gemini.

I wouldn't do that, geminy,

You're being covered
by a control agent.

You're bluffing, smart.

Oh really?

Show yourself!

Max: you see, my
friend, last night...

While you were sleeping,
we arrested lower gemini

And replaced him with
one of our own men.

Gentlemen, allow me to introduce

Control agent munchkin.