05x02 - Pressure

[bunniefuu]

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead,
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doin' what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Just take it like it comes

♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time

♪ One Day at a Time, da, dada da

♪ One Day at a Time,
One Day at a Time

♪ One Day at a Time, da, dada da

♪ One Day at a Time

- Brad, Brad, what are
you doing back there?

- I was looking for the hook.

- It's in the front, where
I can keep an eye on it.

Could you cool down a minute?

- Barbara, I'm 19, I'm
almost past my prime.

(audience laughing)

- You could have fooled me.

- We've been going
together for five months now.

When two people care about
each other they way we do,

they should express it.

- Well, what do
you want me to do?

Forget I said that.

- We've been playing
this game too long.

- It's not a game, Brad.

- Right, games are fun.

- Come on, that's
not fair, I mean,

this isn't easy for me, either.

I get frustrated.

- I can fix that.

- Brad.

I want to, but I don't want to.

I'm not sure, maybe
I'm just not ready.

- You know, I could
understand that if you were a kid.

But, you're 18 years old.

You're a freshman in college.

- So, statistics show that
42% of college freshman

are still virgins.

- Statistics, huh?

Well, at least you're
thinking about it.

- Constantly.

Brad, if it'll make
you feel any better,

you're the only person I would
even consider sleeping with.

- So, let's sleep.

- Brad!

(audience laughing)

Oh, I don't know, maybe I'm
just holding onto my childhood.

I know you'd be good to me.

- I will, I will!

- But I want it to
be very special.

- Absolutely, absolutely.

- Atmosphere is very important.

- Right, right.

- [Barbara] We can't
do anything here.

- Where, where?

- I've always dreamt of Hawaii.

(audience laughing)

- Damn, damn.

- Hi!

- Hi.

- [Brad] Hi.

- Hope we're not
interrupting anything.

- You sure aren't.

I gotta get going.

I'll give you a call tomorrow.

After I brush up
on my statistics.

- Brad, look, just give
me some time, okay?

- I'll talk it over
with my hormones.

- Well, what was that all about?

Brad sounded so serious.

- Oh, nothing, just sex.

(audience laughing)

- Sex?

- Yeah, you've heard
of it, the three-letter word

meaning frustration, anxiety,
and if I don't, so long, Brad.

- Look, if Brad is pressuring
you into doing something

you're not ready for,

I don't...
- It's not just Brad.

It's the world.

Everybody is having
sex, except me.

- Yeah, they oughta put
you in the Smithsonian,

right next to the
Spirit of St. Louis.

(audience laughing)

- Even the Spirit of
St. Louis made it once.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

- Now, Barbara, I am sure
that there are some virgins

left in this world.

- Yes, they're having
a convention next week

at the Biltmore.

(audience laughing)

In a phone booth.

- Look, even if
everybody were doing it,

that's not a good enough
reason to go along.

- No, but it's one
of the popular ones.

And then I do have
a few of my own.

- Barbara, listen,
we understand.

You're a woman with a woman's
feelings and her yearnings

and her passions.

- Don't overdo it, Julie.

- It's true!

Ma, after I see Brad, I
feel tense, I feel restless.

- I hear jogging helps.

- I think about
him all the time.

I have fantasies.

- (coughs) Forget the
jogging, go for the high hurdles.

(audience laughing)

- Maybe if I did it once,
to get it out of my system.

- Doesn't work that way.

- Yeah, I mean,
sex is like peanuts.

Once you start, you just can.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

I hate peanuts.

- I am so sick of this subject.

All right, let's just
be logical, okay?

- Okay.

- Brad's a terrific guy.

We care for each
other, I'm 18 years old,

I know enough
not to get pregnant.

Can you give me
one logical reason why

Brad and I should not go to bed?

I can't, Brad can't.

- Brad's not trying.

- Granted, but
that doesn't help.

Just give me one reason.

(audience laughing)

- I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

- Okay, I'm gonna
do it, get it over with.

- I got a reason,
I got a reason!

I don't want you to.

- [Barbara] Mom.

- You don't want you to.

- I don't know.

- Well, that alone
should tell you something.

Sweetheart, isn't it
possible that Brad will wait

until you do know?

- Maybe.

- Okay, you wanna
know what I really think?

- [Barbara] Yeah.

- Okay.

From my gut, I wanna say
to you, Barbara, don't do it.

But then I say, it's
idiotic to bring up a child

saying sex before
marriage is dirty,

and sex after
marriage is beautiful.

In my mother's day,
it was a lot easier.

Mothers then had a very
definitive point of view.

- I don't think I
wanna hear this.

- They said, you don't
have sex before marriage.

And if you have to afterwards,
consider it your wifely duty.

- I knew I didn't
wanna hear that.

- Honey, sex is terrific.

If it's for the right reasons,
and with the right person.

- How do you know if
they are the right reasons,

and the right person?

- Hey, when you stop
asking that question,

you're getting close.

- You guys are a big help.

- It's a toughie,
there's no easy answer.

Look, let's sleep on it, okay?

- Okay.

- Not that I'm
planning on sleeping.

- Mom?

- [Ann] Yeah?

- Did grandma know the
first time you made love?

- Well, she suspected.

I was on my honeymoon.

(audience laughing)

- Barbara, you gotta admit,
Mom is very understanding.

- I know, don't you hate it?

Most kids have these normal
parents they can rebel against.

(sighs)

Julie?

- Yeah?

- What's it like?

- It's lumpy.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

- I'm talking about sex.

- [Julie] Oh!

- Why is everybody
so casual about it?

It's like it's not
even a big deal.

- Trust me, Barbara,
it's a big deal.

But you're just nervous.

Remember the first time
you went on the roller coaster?

- Yeah, I threw up.

- Okay, what about
the second time?

- I threw up again.

Hi, Mom.

- Hi, sweetheart.

- Whatcha doin'?

- Oh, just sorting
some old letters.

These I'm keeping,
these I'm throwing out,

these I'm not sure about.

- This, you're not sure about?

My darling, I long to
hold you in my arms.

Kiss you a thousand times,

feel like two hearts
pounding as one.

I didn't know Dad wrote
such passionate letters.

- He didn't.

(audience laughing)

- Mom?

- Yeah?

- I went to the
Free Clinic today.

- To see Julie?

- Not exactly.

I went to look
into contraception.

- Ah.

- I saw the gynecologist there.

- Well, I guess you
made up your mind.

- No, not exactly.

It's good for a couple of years.

- Well, now that
you're prepared,

I guess you have
less reason to wait.

- Better safe than sorry.

- You know, Barbara, there
is one way to be completely,

100% safe...
- Mom.

- Right, right, your decision.

- You know, you're really
being very mature about this.

(audience laughing)

- Thank you.

You do know I wanna scream.

- Yeah.

Well, I better get movin',
Brad's gonna pick me up.

- Where are you going?

- Mom.
- Right.

(audience laughing)

What are you doing?

- Well, I lost the,
the, you know.

- Barbara, maybe it's a sign.

- Could you just
help me look for it?

- Yeah.

- Barbara, you're lookin' more
like your mother every day.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

Got your mail here.

- Schneider, Barbara
just lost something.

- [Barbara] Mom.

- Oh, well, what was it,
animal, vegetable, mineral?

- Good question.

- It's sort of a mineral
to keep the animal

from turning into a vegetable.

- Well, you just
tell me what it is,

and I'll help you find it.

- [Barbara] No, Schneider.

- Hey, I got the
eyes of an eagle.

- And the nose of a snoop.

- Ha, even a snoop gotta
know what he's lookin' for.

I'll give you a hand here.

- Schneider.

- My darling, I wanna
hold you in my arms.

(audience laughing)

Love, Armando.

- [Ann] Thank you, Schneider.

- What'd you do, have an
affair with a shoemaker?

(audience laughing)

- Schneider, we will find...
- Ma!

- We'll find...

- Is this the thing you're
lookin' for, right here?

- Thank you, Schneider!

- Look, she gets made
because I find it, and she can't.

Ha ha, you know, you
should keep your place

as neat as I keep my
toolbelt, hammer here,

wrench over here,
screwdriver back here.

(Schneider yelling)

Barbara, don't
do it, don't do it.

(audience applauding)

- Schneider,
what's the big deal?

- The big deal is, you're a
baby, you're a little baby.

- Did you wait until
you were married?

- Well, that's a whole
different ballgame, I'm a man!

You tell her, Ms. Romano, a
man is not supposed to wait.

- Oh, all right, if a woman
is supposed to wait,

and a man is not
supposed to wait,

who is the man not waiting with?

(audience laughing
and applauding)

- I don't know all the details!

That's just the way
it is in a democracy!

- Let me put it another way.

Schneider, the women
that you go out with.

Would you say they're nice?

- Yeah, they're
nice, they're nice.

They're grateful,
really, I mean.

(audience laughing)

Actually, they're quite
lucky when you get

right down to it.
- Schneider!

- All right, all right!

All right, I'm leavin',
I'm going, I'm leavin'.

Before I go, don't ever forget,

and please always remember,

a man is like a bow and arrow.

A woman is like a target.

Bow and arrow needs practice.

Target doesn't.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

- Why don't men ever worry
about losing their virginity?

- I guess because
they're too busy

worrying about not losing it.

- I don't think
Brad understands.

I want it to be special.

The right time, the right place.

- Hey, I'm with you,
hold out for the Taj Mahal.

(doorbell ringing)

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Brad, where are we going?

- I've got very
special lined up.

- Taj Mahal?

- So, where are we going?

- I got a surprise for you.

I'm taking you out to dinner,

and then we're
going to my place.

- Your parents.

- Uh uh, my place, I got
an apartment this afternoon.

(audience applauding)

- Oh, Brad, I love what
you've done with it.

- It's not bad for
my first place.

- No, no, what I like is that

you can see the whole
apartment as soon as you come in.

- What do you think of the view?

- Very nice.

- The next best
thing to the real thing.

What's this?

- The next best
thing to the real thing.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

- Oh, I get it.

Tonight's ploy is,
keep him laughing.

- That's not fair.

- Yeah, I'm sorry.

- Well, here we are.

- Yeah, it's just the two of us.

- Yeah, me, you,
that's two all right.

Guess who I ran into today?

- Who?

- Guess, let's
play 20 questions.

- How about if we just
play two questions?

- Okay, two.

- Your mother.
- No.

- My mother.
- Uh uh.

- Well, then it doesn't matter.

Can I get you something
to drink, Scotch, bourbon?

- Root beer?

- Root beer.

And would you like
to hear some music?

- Yeah, sure, where
do you wanna go?

- Why do I have the
feeling that you're stalling?

- Maybe because I am.

That's silly.

Okay, let's just do it.

(audience laughing)

- What?

- Brad, you know why we're
here, and I know why we're here.

So let's just get
it over with, okay?

- You're making this
sound like major surgery.

- Well?

- Barbara, I love you.

I really love you.

And I wouldn't be
pressuring you if I wasn't sure

that it's right for both of us.

- I know.

And I do want to,
because you want to.

- Wait a minute.

I don't want you to want
to because I want you to.

I want you to want to
because you want to.

- You mean, you don't
want to if I don't want to?

- No, I wouldn't go that far.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

Look, let's just
relax a bit, okay?

- Right.

- Barbara, this isn't
a swimming meet.

Besides, there are
better ways to loosen up.

- I feel wobbly.

I think I'm sick.

- You wanna lie down?

(audience laughing
and applauding)

Isn't this great?

- Oh boy, what an apartment!

Your own bed, does it
fold up just as easily?

- Well, sure, but it's a lot
more comfortable this way.

- Not for me!

Don't I get a last request,
a meal, or something?

- Barbara.

- Just kidding, I'll be brave.

Forget the blindfold.

- There is nothing
to worry about.

I love you, remember?

- But what if after,

you know, you stop loving me?

- Believe me, after we

you know,

I'll have even more
reason to love you.

- How do you know?

- Well, it'll add a whole new
dimension to our relationship.

We won't have to got to
the movies all the time.

- From what I hear, you
can still go to the movies.

You'll just be a
couple minutes late.

(audience laughing)

- Not us.

- Maybe all you really
care about is sex.

- If that were true, why
would I be going out with you?

I mean...

Well.

You have to admit,
I've been pretty patient.

- Brad, I just can't.

- Why?

We've got the perfect place.

Why can't we just
go on with things

the way we planned them?

- Maybe that's the
problem, we planned this.

It's not spontaneous.

- I've tried
spontaneous with you,

and you don't like that either.

You're running out of excuses.

- I know.

I'm sorry.

But I just don't
feel right about this.

Maybe I'm scared.

But for now, that's the
way I really feel about it.

And I think I really
should go with my feelings.

- What about my feelings?

- I don't blame
you for being upset,

really, I do understand.

- Oh, no, no you don't.

- Maybe.

Maybe you should
see other girls.

- Oh, maybe I will.

- You will?

- Barbara, you just told me

that you don't feel right
about sleeping with me.

- Right now!

- Yeah, well, right
now, I don't feel right

about not sleeping with you.

- Makes us even.

- Wrong.

It makes us through.

- What happened to,
I love you, Barbara?

- I do love you,
that's the problem.

I can't keep seeing
you, not like this.

Good bye, Barbara.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

This is my apartment!

You leave.

Please.

- Okay, Ma, how about
another bag of cookies?

- Thank you.

I love you girls,

but there are times
when it would have been

a hell of a lot
easier to have sons.

- Yeah, when the
subject of sex comes up,

all you do is point
'em towards the door,

and say, sic 'em.

(audience laughing)

- Julie, you are gonna
be a great comfort to me

in my old age.

Which could be any minute now.

- Everybody here decent?

- Yep, try 307.

- Romano, I gotta
talk to Barbara.

- Not here, she's out with Brad.

- That's exactly what I
gotta talk to her about.

We gotta find out what
kind of a guy is Brad.

- Nice, normal,
healthy American boy.

- And you let her
go out with him?

What kind of a mother are you?

- A worried one.

- Look, Ms. Romano, I
got a little money saved up.

This might be the
right time, you know,

for Barbara to pack
a couple of bags

and spend a couple of months
traveling around New Jersey.

(audience laughing)

- Thank you, Schneider, but
I don't think it's gonna help.

- I don't know,
sounds good to me.

- Barbara.

- She looks okay.

(audience laughing)

- That's good.

- Honey, what happened?

- Nothing.

- Well, that's better.

- I couldn't go through with it.

- Oh h*, that's the best!

- What is it, is there
something wrong with me?

- (laughing) Oh, no, my darling.

You just found out you can
make your own decisions.

That's great big discovery.

Obviously, in your case,
it was just right to wait.

- Your mother's right, kid.

- And you had a lot of
pressures, I am so proud of you.

I know it was a tough decision.

- Damn right it was.

But I made it,
that's the way I feel.

And that's the
way I want it to be.

- [Schneider] Atta girl.

- Hey, Barb,
look at it this way.

It's not forever.

You know, grab a
handful of vitamins,

have a good night's sleep
and tomorrow's another day.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

("One Day At a Time"
saxophone music)