08x11 - Pride and Privacy: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

Hey, spaghetti a la can.

How do ya do it?

- Well I just owe it all
to my electric kitchen.

I'm just sorry I have
to serve the rolls cold.

- Oh, that's no problem.

Here.

Just turn the ol' electric
blanket up to nine.

- How come you're so clever?

- I had to be to get you.

- Oh, I don't know, I
kinda thought handsome

and sexy were enough.

- Thanks.

Well I'm almost certain you
didn't marry me for my money.

- Oh come on, we're
doing okay, right?

- Right.

Since we launched the
austerity program, cutting back,

working extra hours,
we've been going under

at a much slower rate.

- Come on, don't be so gloomy.

Think positive.

- How?

- Well we could always
go to bed and make love.

- Not in front of
the rolls, dear.

- [Barbara] Come in.

- Step right up, ladies
and gents, for a taste

of the brew that made
Indianapolis famous.

- Oh, that's brew.

I thought your dragon was sick.

- He has a still
in the basement.

- Here you go.

- You want me to drink this?

- Not right away.

I'd like it to breathe a
little before you drink it.

- I'd like to breathe
a little after I drink it.

- Here you go.

- I will if you will.

- Come on, guys.

This isn't a su1c1de pact.

- Let's hope not.

- [Jeff] Well?

- I like it.

Mark?

Not bad.

- Hey, Jed Clampett, that
thing of yours in the basement

is smoking and shaking and
making all sorts of weird noises.

- It's supposed to smoke.

It's part of the aging process.

- Oh yeah, well what
about the weird noises?

- Keeps the revenuers away.

Stop worrying.

Here.

- I propose a toast.

To the good life and being rich.

To our life, scraping
by, my beautiful wife,

my ever-present
friends, and bad booze.

- Yes.

(loud rumbling)

- [Jeff] Maybe I put in
too much aftershave.

- Hurry up, will ya, Alex?

Got a lane reserved.

There's only a
10-minute grace period.

- [Alex] Be right
out, Schneider.

I'm on the telephone.

- And I'm right
in the strike zone.

(clears throat)

So, another intimate dinner

with the great
American architect?

- Mm hm.

Sam.

I am over 21.

- God knows.

You know, Ms. Romano, I
think it's very brave of you,

although a little bit
sad, the way you're tryin'

to work through your pain.

- Pain?

- Yeah, listen, uh, it hasn't
escaped my notice that

when your youngest daughter
moved out, it was a very

traumatic experience for
you, maternalistically speaking.

- Right, Schneider.

- I mean, a daughter moves
out, the mother turns into a

lascivious, promiscuous,
licentious carnal woman.

- For heaven's sake, Schneider.

You know, that's very good.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Just got my book from the
romance of the month club.

The Pirate's Concubine
by Victoria Mizzen.

All those words
were on the first page

in one sentence.

What's licentious?

- Well-(doorbell rings)

Could you get that door?

- Okay, and I'll
pick up the spare.

- Royer.

- Schneider.

Hey, you look
really terrific tonight.

- Oh, it's just an
old bowling shirt.

- Well you don't
look so bad yourself.

That's licentious.

- Is he still there?

- Look, uh, if you guys
can keep a lid on it,

I'll have the kid outta
here in a few minutes.

I realize you gotta
make your move

once the hormones
start stirring.

Particularly at your age.

- Surprised you remember.

- Schneider, we really do
thank you for taking Alex bowling.

- Yeah, well somebody has to

safeguard the kid's moral fiber.

Been in grave danger
these past two months.

Fortunately, the
kid looks up to me.

(Alex laughing)

- Hey, good guy!

- If you guys are finished
friskin' one another

we gotta go, alright.

- [Alex] I'm ready, come on.

- Use the left like I told you.

- Use your left like that,
you're gonna break your nose.

Come on, come on!

Alex, we gotta go.

We're gonna miss the happy hour.

- (laughs) Schneider,
I'm glad I'm going

with you instead of Sam.

- Yeah, I know, kid.

You are?

- Yeah, he's too good.

At least I feel
comfortable with you.

- You uh, bowl a little, Royer?

- A little.

- A little?

Eight strikes in a row.

He uses a two-finger ball.

- Well I use a
two-finger ball too.

The only difference
is I throw it overhand.

- See ya later.

- Buh bye.

You know what I
love about your family?

- What's that?

- For once they're not here.

- I can hardly
believe it myself.

- Yeah, it's too
good to be true.

- [Barbara] Hi, Mom.

- Barbara, hi.

- Hi, all.

- Mark, hi.

Uh, what's with the suitcases?

- Yeah, you're doing
this all wrong, son.

When your wife goes
running back to mother,

you're not supposed
to drop her off.

- Uh, you see, don't
panic or anything, but

there was an accident
down at the house.

- Yeah, you see, Jeff's
got this still in the basement

and the damn thing blew up.

- Nobody was hurt or
anything, but it's just

it was down there with
the pipes and the wires.

- Everything's been knocked out.

- Yeah.

- Kinda like here.

- Since we couldn't stay there,
we thought we'd stay here.

It's okay, isn't it?

- Sure.

- I told her no way.

It's only for one night.

- Which night?

- We tried calling but
the phone was busy.

- Yeah, we've been having
a little trouble with the phone.

It's called Alex.

- Anyway, it's
just for one night.

- Actually, it could
be a couple nights.

- It's just a little wiring
and some plumbing.

It won't take long.

- Okay, first things first.

Where are we gonna put you guys?

- New Hampshire's very
nice this time of year.

- Alright, I know.

You can move back
into your old room

and Mark and Alex can
bunk in the little room.

- Or?

- Or we could put a rollaway

into your old room
for you and Mark.

- It's just for one night.

- Mark, come on.

Just put the bags in
the bedroom, okay?

- I think I'll just put the
bags in the bedroom.

- Uh!

Mark, uh, watch out for Felix!

(Mark shouts)

Alex's new chameleon.

- Why don't I just
buy him a new one?

- Oh, Mark.

- I'm just kidding.

- Aw.

(both laughing)

- He ran under the bed
and turned the color of

lint balls and dirty socks.

- Look, Mom, we don't
want to be a disruption.

- Right.

So you two just go
ahead and do whatever

you had planned for tonight.

- Oh.

- How do you two
feel about bowling?

- I think we picked a
bad night to barge in.

- Now, now.

Now.

Sam and I can do this anytime.

- Sure.

I wanna see that
chameleon that looks like

lint balls and dirty socks.

That's why I came.

- We have plenty
of dinner for all of us.

- It's obvious that you planned
a private romantic evening.

We don't want to spoil that.

Come on, we can find
someplace else to stay.

- You know, you could stay
at my place, but there's only

one bed, and it's mine.

And your mother says it's lumpy.

Your mother never said that, uh.

It was somebody else.

I don't remember who.

- It's just for one night!

- Mark, please,
we're welcome here.

What's with you?

- It's just I have this thing
about getting married,

moving out on our
own and then coming

to live with the folks.

- Uhhhhh.

Live?

You said one night.

- Yeah, it's one night.

I just have this hang-up.

You know, I think it started
with the mouth brooders.

- Um, excuse me, the what?

- The fish, you know,
like saltwater catfish.

See, Dad used to read to
me from the encyclopedia.

- I don't know,
those fairy tales

always scared
the hell out of me.

- There's a point
to this somewhere.

- Yeah, see, the fish, their
eggs incubate and hatch

inside the mother's mouth.

Mouth brooders.

- It's for protection.

See, as the fish are
growing up, they venture out

of her mouth to feed
and then they dart back in

if a big fish swims by

until one day they're
big enough, they dart out,

and they stay out
there on their own.

- Except for the weaklings.

They still go rushing
back to the mother's mouth.

And she eats them.

- Mark, why don't
you just sit down?

- Oh no no, coffee's fine.

I'll just grab a
donut at school.

- I really wish you
would stop feeling

so guilty about
staying here, huh.

Sit.

(sighs)

- You guys sleep
okay in my room?

- Oh, sure, if you like
sleeping with a hamster.

Now either teach him to do
his roadwork in the afternoon

or lube that wheel
in his cage, okay?

I mean, all night long
squeak squeak squeak.

- Ohhh.

- I don't suppose
there's anything

in the paper about
the expl*si*n.

- Why don't you
read it yourself?

- No no no no it's
your paper, go ahead.

(doorbell rings)

I'll get it, I'm up.

- Hi.

I got bad news.

I'm just gonna go ahead
and give it to ya straight

'cause it's the only
way I know how to go.

Straight talkin'.

Straight in the shoulder.

- [Ann] What's wrong?

- Ah, you're havin'
breakfast, that's good.

You know, the English
had the right idea

when they made
breakfast, the most important

meal of the day.

It fortified them.

It got them ready
to face anything

that life might throw at them.

- Schneider-

- Civil strikes, the
devaluation of the pound,

the great plague, the Visigoths-

- Schneider...
- Alright.

Just out of professional
curiosity, I went down

to see the damages
at the rooming house

where you used to live.

- Used to?

- That's right.

It's been condemned.

- Condemned?

- Condemned.

- Condemned condemned?

- Con-demi-demned.

The only thing that passed
inspection was the still.

- Wow.

That must've been
a great expl*si*n.

- You drank that stuff?

- Only thing the
expl*si*n did was to get

the housing inspector down there

to check out the wires
and the pipes and stuff.

I wanna tell you, Ms.
Romano, the only place

I've ever seen in worst shape

was Freddy
Wallaconis's pig farm.

- Okay, look.

If you want your
bedroom back, fine.

I'll just move into my old room.

The hole.

- No, no way.

We're not moving in here.

Now I'm sorry, Barbara.

- You're sorry?

Mark, I did not get married
to live with my mother.

- (clears throat) Excuse
me, did anybody hear that?

Shh, listen.

- I don't hear anything.

- What is it?

- The sound of a mother's voice

asking her children to move in.

- I didn't hear that.

- Right.

- Hold it.

You don't want your
daughter and your son-in-law

to move in with you?

- No.

- You're not just
saying that to be nice.

- That no was a
no of experience.

When I first got married, we
lived with my mother-in-law.

- I didn't know that.

- [Ann] Yep.

- How long did you live
with Grandma Cooper?

- Eight days.

Seven days too long.

But we needed her help.

So if you need
to stay here, okay.

I mean, if you absolutely
need to stay, and Mark,

I am not a mouth brooder.

- Whatever, Ms. R.

I think you're off the hook.

I went down there to
check out the rec guy

and bumped into Jeff.

He said he's already
scoutin' around on campus

for a new place
for all you guys.

- Oh.

- You're right, honey.

It's time we had a
place of our own.

- Oh honey, you mean
it, a place of our own?

- Well we might not
find a place as nice

as the one we had,
but if we're gonna move,

let's make a real move.

- I think that's terrific.

- I can't wait.

- I'll help you look.

- Look, darling, Mark, as
long as you need to stay here,

you're welcome.

- We're not staying,
we're just gonna visit!

I'm not even gonna unpack.

We'll be out of here in
two days, three days tops.

- Four weeks.

Mark, let's just give it up.

- I'm not unpacking.

- Annie, would you
please hurry up?

We do not want to
be late for our meeting.

- [Ann] Okay, alright, okay.

- Hello, yes, I'm calling
about your ad in the Star.

Oh, no, no pets, no children.

175 dollars?

That's great.

Oh, that's a week.

Right.

Oh, it does have heat.

Yes, I agree, that
is a nice feature.

Does it have doors?

We'll let you know.

- We're never gonna
find a place we can afford.

- Oh, Barbara, nobody lives
in a place they can afford.

It's un-American.

- I'm not sure I want to live
in a place we could afford.

Do you have any idea
where we could find a place?

- And soon?

- Well yes as a
matter of fact I do.

1278 West Fall Road.

Oh, that's a very
nice neighborhood.

- Is that the real
estate section?

- No, the obituaries.

- I'm ready.

Ah, good luck today.

Hope you find something.

- Don't worry, Annie.

This is it.

It's gone on long enough.

We're both taking the
day off and we are finding

a place to live.

- Something, anything.

I don't care what it looks like.

- Annie, why don't you
let the kids move in here?

You could find someplace nice.

- Uh, how's it going with
your student housing?

- Well I'm on a list
carefully calculated

to get me an apartment
two years after I graduate.

- Don't you have
any friends who have

empty servants'
quarters or a houseboat?

- How about a mountain
lodge with a helicopter?

- Ann, please be serious.

I understand how
difficult this can be.

One year in school it was so bad

I had to sell most
of my fraternity pins.

- Francine, that's really sad.

- I know.

Three more dates
and I would've had

the whole Greek alphabet.

- Let's go.

- Wait a minute, I've got it.

I know this perfectly
charming couple

who live on Cold
Spring Road and they're

looking for a live-in
couple to do the cleaning,

cooking, gardening, ironing.

- When would be have
time to go to school?

- Well you'll just
have to solve some of

the problems yourself.

- Francine?

- Annie, hang on just a second.

- Kids, you know what I
do when I'm really down?

I get a magnum of Dom
Perignon and get a facial.

Try it.

- Thanks, Francine.

- That's great.

- Annie.

- Professor Delbert's
wife is a real estate agent.

I'll call her.

At least she understands the
students' financial problems.

- (chuckles) Wait 'til she
sees our financial problems.

- Well we're gonna have
to make some choices.

- Yeah, you're right.

You call it.

Food or shelter?

(dog barking)

- [Mark] Nice dog, nice dog.

Down, dog!

- [Real Estate Agent]
Don't worry, he's tied.

And you'll never have
to worry about burglars.

- [Barbara] That's the
nice thing about living

in someone else's backyard.

- [Mark] This better
be it, it's after 7:00.

- Isn't this cozy?

You know, we've
been renting out a lot of

these trailers to young
couples such as yourselves.

- Really?

Look, Mark, our own drawer.

- Here's an
extra little... hole.

- You know, I think the
word that best describes

this cozy little
charmer is efficient.

- Yes, that's one word for it.

- Oh, and you're gonna
love the bathroom.

- Where is it?

- Right across the
yard in the house.

- Oh, indoor plumbing!

It just so happens it's
indoors somewhere else.

- And this, ta da,
is your hidden bed!

- Ha ha, I'll be darned!

- Guest accommodations.

Would you believe
that this place

actually sleeps four?

Would you believe it?

- No.

200 a month, eh?

- Just a second.

200 not including utilities.

Now I'm not sure about the
stove and the refrigerator.

Why don't I just run
in and ask the owner?

He's right in the house.

- Great.

While you're gone we'll
just take the grand tour.

(dog barking)

Well what do you think?

- It's not so bad, really.

I mean, uh, well, I guess
with a little decoration

it could kinda look
a little bit brighter.

- Kind of cheerier.

- Yeah.

For instance, we
could put up curtains.

- We could even paint it.

- Yeah, maybe put
some things on the wall.

- You know, I'm beginning
to see some possibilities.

- Yeah, it's small, but nice.

- Nice.

- Small.

- Well, small's okay
as long as it's nice.

- Mark, I hate it.

I think it's awful.

- It really is, isn't it?

- Yes.

I'd rather live under a rock.

- Well Barb, at least
the trailer would be ours.

We just can't go on
living with your mother.

- What is so wrong
with my mother?

- That isn't the point.

She does have a bit of a temper.

- Oh really?

I may be missing something.

Let me see if I
can clear this up.

My mother, for whatever
reason, has generously offered

to put us up for the time being.

And what else
is our alternative?

The Ritz-Carlton?

- It's obvious the
temper runs in the family.

- Tell me, Mark, did
you inherit your stupidity,

or was it something you
achieved on your own?

- See what moving in with
your mother-in-law does?

It's disrupting our marriage!

- You haven't even moved
in with your mother-in-law yet.

- You see?

We're in big trouble
just talking about it.

(dog barking)

- [Mark] Shut up!

- Mark, I don't want to move
in with my mother either.

But we haven't any money.

We have to be realistic.

- We have to be independent.

- It's winter!

You be independent.

I'll be warm.

- Okay.

- What?

- A magnum of Dom
Perignon and a facial.

- Well, it's 8:00.

They must've found something.

- Nope, they would've called.

- Maybe they didn't
have time, you know,

rushin' around before
the stores close.

- What?

- C'mon, Ms.
Romano, I mean face it.

Even newlyweds they need food.

What's the first thing you
do once you've decided

to move in someplace?

Get a big supply of groceries.

- Hi.

- Oh my god.

- Sorry we held up
dinner, but here it is,

fresh hot pizza.

No arguments, we insist.

And in here we've
got all the ingredients

for tomorrow night's
dinner, the famous

Royer New England boiled dinner.

- Yeah, it's really very good.

Corned beef, cabbage.

- Yeah, and Monday
night Barb's specialty.

Cube steak
sandwiches, cottage fries.

- Um, the trailer
you phoned about.

- If it had been a horse,
it would've sh*t itself.

- Aha, so that means...

- Yeah, yeah.

- Annie, there's some
things we want to get straight.

First off, we want to pay
you something every week.

- Okay.

- Okay?

You said she'd say no.

- My mom's a tough customer.

Look, Mom, either we
pay for room and board

or it's a no go.

- I said okay.

- What about utilities?

- Oh, Schneider.

- What do you
mean, oh Schneider?

In my house, my old
man put in a pay toilet.

It was kinda pay as you go.

- We'll settle on the
exact amount later.

- Used to cost a nickel.

I think that was the beginning
of trickle down economics.

- Now as far as the rules
and regulations are concerned,

we're at your command.

Whatever you say goes.

- I like that.

- I just meant things
like bathroom priorities.

- Okay, well with that
we do what we've been

doing the last four weeks, okay?

Urges before washing,
washing before primping,

and everyone
washes his own sink.

- Now we're just
here temporarily.

- Kinda like the
Russians in Afghanistan?

- Annie, I wanna make
one thing crystal clear.

If we're in the way or
we're causing problems

of any kind, we
expect to hear about it.

No punches pulled.

I insist.

- Sweetest ultimatum
I've ever heard.

- Mom, we really
do appreciate this.

- I know.

- You know what really
annoys me about you, Annie?

It's the way you make
it so difficult for me

to indulge in the great
American pastime

of trashing your mother-in-law.

- Psst, give it a week.

(knocking on door)

I'll get it.

- Thank you, Schneider.

Now listen, you two.

It's gonna be a little
crowded around here

and probably hectic,
but if we all keep calm,

I think we can make it work.

Okay?

- Schneider, hi.

- Julie, how are ya?

- Hi, everybody.

- [Ann] Hello, sweetheart.

- Guess what.

- What?

- We're moving in.

(baby crying)

- [Narrator] Tune in
next week for part two

of pride and privacy.