02x10 - Chips Ahoy

[bunniefuu]

Given these cans are full of steroids,

I have a hard time buying
your physique is simply a result

of "clean living and spinach."

Uh, Your Honor, I wish
I had more of a defense,

but his statement simply reads,

"I'm strong to the finich
'cause I eats me spinach.

Ah-guh-guh, guh-guh-guh-guh-guh."

- Why do you talk like that?
- [HOARSELY] It's the 'roids.

Guh-guh-guh, guh-guh-guh,
guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh.

Six months' probation and $1,000 fine.

Maybe work in a leg day.

[SIGHS] Your Honor, this is rough.

It's the first time
I've been in a relationship

during Fleet Week.

[WEAKLY] Oh, my God.

I thought you and the duke
agreed that you could look

as long as you don't
ask permission to come aboard.

But he's in England,

and all these tight-pants heroes
are within pouncing distance.

Oh, the pheromones are too much.
[GASPS] I got to take a walk.

- Which briefcase should I buy?
- That one's cute.

Oh, yeah? Good. I'll buy the other one.

You can spend that
kind of money on a briefcase?

Give me the cash, and I'll make you one.

There's an alligator in holding.

I need a new briefcase

to hold all the money I'm gonna make.

I finally got a seat in the
secret Fleet Week poker game.

That poker game is Navy only.
How'd you get in?

Because, unlike you,
I have friends in high places.

I believe he's talking about God.

No, no, no. I'm talking about you.

You got me a seat at the poker game.

because of your Navy experience.

I can't wait to play some cards.

Cards? We're playing volleyball.

Wait a minute. Ho, ho.
Whoa, whoa. Whoa. Sorry.

You said you could get me a seat
at the Fleet Week poker game

because you served in the good old Navy.

No. I said I served
for the good Old Navy store.

On their volleyball team.

I was stationed at the Paramus Mall.

Why would you phrase it
as "the good old Navy"?

Because the bad Old Navy
was on the first floor

by the Sbarro.

Come on, Dan!
Get your head out your ass!

So when you said that you had
fought in a Banana Republic...

It was Black Friday.

We lost a lot of good men that day.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

Judge, I... I'm going to say something

because I need to get fired.

Emily Blunt was a better Mary Poppins.

You are so fired!

What's going on?

The next defendant is Jasmine Jennings.

She's the head of the PTA
at my daughter's school,

and I'd rather not be standing
next to the person

who might find her guilty.

You're scared of a school mom?

You didn't bat an eye at
that guy shaving a cantaloupe.

I don't bother Glenn.
Glenn doesn't bother me.

Jasmine Jennings steamrolls
anything in her path.

And I don't want to be flat, Abby.

Being three-dimensional
is a big part of who I am.

Can't wait to meet her.
Jasmine Jennings, come on down!

Hello! Hello, hello.

[GASPS] Oh, my God!

Wyatt Shaw?

I didn't know you worked nights!

This is why you show up
at drop-off in your jammies.

I have court. We'll catch up later.

Thank you, thank you!

FYI... Bradley Cooper
is a dad at my school,

and he will sing a song on my behalf.

The defendant is charged

with operating an unlicensed food stand.

I was raising money
for the school basketball team,

so I set up an itty-bitty bake sale.

In the main concourse
of Madison Square Garden

during a Knicks game,

blocking the entrance
to multiple restrooms...

with this.

[GASPS] sh*t Clock Showdown?!

Never wanted to commandeer
something so bad in my life.

Your Honor, my client was merely

trying to raise money for children.

- Who doesn't love children?
- You.

And me.

If I don't raise money for basketball,

some kids might not make the team.

Some kids might end up
in art club... with Jeremy M.

M. Woof. I can tell
that's not the Jeremy you want.

All right. I'm gonna say guilty.

Ten hours' community service.

But I already do community service.

My foundation provides
nose jobs for at-risk youth.

Got it. Not all giving is good.
All right.

I'm going to take a recess
so I can go get some quarters.

I mean... go to my judge's quarters.

Don't worry. I'm banned from MSG too.

Apparently, they got a lot
of rules about touching Beyoncé.

Well, thanks for the pretzel.

I'd love to stay and chat,

but you answer to the call of the sea.

And I answer to the call of the mustard.

Getting free stuff from sailors, huh?

Look, I'm saving up to buy an apartment,

and every little bit helps.

- I'm not proud of this.
- Oh, there's no shame in it.

People like us should never
have to pay for anything.

People like us?

Drop the act, Olivia.

We're both hotties.

Your problem is you're thinking
small potatoes.

Watch and learn. [CLEARS THROAT]

I'm a wittle hungwy.

Thank you, honey.

I guess the poker game's off.

We lost the basement
of the drama bookstore.

Lin-Manuel Miranda's
workshopping a new production.

This one's about George Hamilton...

also never a president.

Excuse me. Are you talking
about the Fleet Week poker game?

We can't tell you. You're the law.

Uh, n... no. I'm a law-yer.

I have no allegiance to the law.

Oh, if you lost your poker room,

I will not rest until
I find you a place to play.

And all I ask in return
is for you to help me fulfill

my lifelong dream of playing
cards for the first time.

You got a deal.

As long as you promise
not to take all our money!

- [LAUGHS]
- Take... No! Come on!

[LAUGHS] I got an in on the poker game.

I need you to unlock the basement.

I'm not gonna help you take money

- from a bunch of hot servicemen.
- Fine, fine.

If you're not gonna do it
for me, well...

do it for your boyfriend, the duke.

There's no greater test
of your commitment to him

than being locked
in a sweltering basement

with a bunch of muscle-bound men
who are good at taking orders.

Is one of them named Bodhi?

And does he have hands that
look like they can fix stuff?

- All six-foot-five of him.
- Too tall.

- All six-foot-two of him.
- Mm.

But come on. Bodhi
doesn't matter, right?

You love the duke. Or... do you?

Only way to really find out

is to let me host the poker game
in the basement.

Damn it, Fielding. You're right.

And by the way,
the basement's never locked.

I hope my ruling
against Jasmine yesterday

didn't make drop-off awkward.

Nope. Smooth as silk.

The material, not the nut milk,

which Jasmine banned because the
name is too sexy for children.

She's just a basic bully.

Just got to put them in their
place and they back right down.

Yeah. Let's live in a world
where that's true

for the next two seconds.

[MACHINE BEEPING, CHIMING]

- What is all this?
- Game over!

W... What?

She's doing her community service here?

Wyatt! Thank goodness you're here.

We are low on lemon bars.

Thank you, thank you.

She's made a mockery of my ruling.

And even worse,
she's weaponized lemon bars.

_

Holding a bake sale in my courthouse

is not community service.

She should be cleaning a highway,

maybe even meeting a biker guy
who makes her realize

that even though they're from
different worlds, love ain't.

Just write it already.

The world needs to see "Love Ain't."

I don't have time, Wyatt.
I need to put a stop to this.

Couldn't agree more.

I did authorize it.

- Why would you say yes to this?
- I didn't say yes.

She just put it out there,
then said it was for the kids

and thank you-thank you'ed me.

You can't let her steamroll you, Wyatt.

You have to stand up for yourself.

- It's go time!
- [MACHINE CHIMES]

If you don't want to listen to me,

- listen to sh*t Clock Showdown.
- Fine.

I guess it's go time. [EXHALES SHARPLY]

Yeah. [CLEARS THROAT]

About those bars.

I don't think I'm gonna make them.

He's heating up!

- But you're the sugar daddy.
- I'm not doing it.

Rejection!

This isn't laid-back, pajamas-
in-the-drop-off-line Wyatt.

No it's not.

This is all-business, hard-pants Wyatt!

- Boom! Personal growth!
- [MACHINE BEEPS]

Did that last one seem weird
to anyone else?

I guess I'll just find
someone else to make lemon bars.

Thank you.

Thank you.

What... have I done?

[CHUCKLES] Well!

As the cop said
to the draft-dodging hippie,

"I'm taking the pot!"

Damn. It's hotter than the
top half of a mermaid in here.

Who's thirsty? I've got
regular lemonade and hard...

body. Calm down, girls.
You can do him... it!

I'm out of cash. Can I bet
my dead dad's watch?

We're all friends here.
I don't see why...

you didn't bury this with him.

- Dan.
- What?

Uh, ante up. I'll be right back.

- What? What?
- What the hell, Dan?

You're taking all their money.

This is lower than when you
locked Flobert in the morgue.

Oh, please. That was
part of a prank w*r.

I'm his Clooney.

And this is about more than money.

This is my way into the secret
New York poker circuit.

You got high-stakes games
at Gracie Mansion,

the Yankee clubhouse...

Joy Behar's game
in Whoopi's dressing room.

Huh?! Wha... Sorry. I...
It's hard to hear over his abs.

You got to give these guys back
their money.

All right. Fine. I'll give
them back their money.

All right, guys. Here. Look.

A hundred dollars for
whoever has the most tattoos.

Now, listen.
I would take your word for it.

But my friend here... has to see it.

Why are they always
in the sexiest places?

Ooh. I can't. I can't.

If you're gonna be a professional mooch,

you'll have to master more
than just flirting.

There's also persuasion. Guilt.

Some people can be instantly hypnotized.

Sleep! [FINGERS SNAP]

Okay. You're not one of them.

Look.

Your idea to get free clothes
by impersonating a mannequin

is great.

But it's small potatoes.
Where are the big potatoes?

It takes years to work up
to the big potatoes.

But I need a new apartment now,

and no one will give me
a wittle down payment.

I've got your down payment right here.

I knew a man who started
with a paper clip

and traded his way up to a house.

And that man's name was Murray Flobert.

It wasn't me.
It's just a wild coincidence.

This better work,

because I'm beginning to feel
like a woman

who started with a pretzel
and ended up with a paper clip.

Hey, Mr. Hard Pants.

No one's ever talked to me
that way, and I didn't like it.

I loved it.

- You did?
- Let me show you how much.

[GASPS]

Hey, I got quarters for the...
ho-o-ly sh*t Clock Showdown.

_

- Flobert! Look.
- [BELL CHIMES]

- I traded up to a scooter.
- Oh!

- Hey!
- [LAUGHS]

Paper clip to slice of pizza
to air fryer

and then back to paper clip,
which I used to pick the lock

on the evidence room,
where I found this.

I'm proud of you!

But look what my paper clip turned into.

[GRUNTS] H... H... Hey!

So when you said big potatoes,

you meant actual literal potatoes.

My ship's finally come in.

The trick now is making sure
the IRS doesn't find out.

You know, when I said stand up to her,

I knew you'd get in her face.

I just didn't know you'd get in her face.

This is bad.

I was trying to free myself
from this woman,

and now I'm in even deeper.

It was one kiss.

I'm the Pringles of people.

Once you pop, you just don't stop.

This is for you.

It's the only package
I'm allowed to handle.

- Oh!
- Amazon Prime? What'd I get?

Who sent me a tie?

You're welcome, you're welcome.

That came fast.

So, I've been thinking.

You're a stripes guy now.

It's a good power look
for your upcoming interviews.

- Uh, my what?
- For your new job, silly.

How am I supposed to introduce you?

"This is my lover, Wyatt.

He works with a bunch of losers
at a dump."

I don't care for your choice of words,

but that is one dynamite blazer.

Oh. I just noticed Amber
didn't heart my text.

I have to destroy her. BRB.

Starting to think
you shouldn't have kissed her.

Just tell her it was a mistake.
Women love that.

If I do that, I'll be chaperoning dances

for the rest of my life.

I can't be learning eighth-grade
slang when I'm 70.

No. I'll stick it out
till my kids are in college,

and I'll never have to know what
the future version of "sus" is.

But I bet it's probably "florg."

So, I'm thinking for your next phase,

- we do finance or international finance.
- Finance?

I thought being a lawyer
was a true passion of yours.

But what do I know?

The only thing I've done
with your mouth is listen to it.

Wyatt, can you just tell
your little bossy-boss

that you love all my plans for us?

Thank you, thank you.

I just remembered...
I got to go feed my birds.

[CHUCKLES] Birds, right?

Always eating
in the middle of conversations

you definitely want to have.

Gentlemen, I'm afraid
that I'm gonna have to fold...

all this cash in my pocket! Ugh!

Boys, I've now been hypnotized
by Flobert,

and I am no longer susceptible
to your charms.

And... it's super not working.

Oh, speaking of working!

Gurgs, if you and your Taser
will escort me to the ATM

so I can deposit all this money,
there might be a special...

high five in it for you.

Dan, I know there's nothing I can say

to get you to walk away from this game.

So I brought a ringer
to send you packing.

What? What do you mean, a ringer?

What... [CHUCKLES]

Ol... Olivia.

In law school, I paid
for my tuition by playing poker.

Great.

So you wiped the floor with some
pimply-faced law students?

Actually, it was the Deep Stack
Poker Extravaganza in Vegas.

Three years in a row.

Had to give it up
'cause I had a problem.

With the Russian mafia.

Don't you worry.

I'm not gonna let
that mean lady hurt you.

I won't take up much of your time.

We're both very busy people.

Something you should know
if you want to pick a fight...

- I always win.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, something you should know.
We're not both busy people.

I was drawing my dream cat.

- It's so cute.
- I know, right?

It's got this cute little heart
nose and... Wait a minute!

We're in a fight,
and I'm not afraid of you.

You sound just like Ella Fitz Marcus.

Before me, she ruled the PTA
because every year

she got Al Roker to narrate
our holiday pageant.

Until the year that Al didn't show

because his new
Italian chauffeur got lost.

How'd I know
that Al's chauffeur was Italian?

A-beats a-me.

Mamma mia.

So... thank you, thank you.

No, thank you, no, thank you.

Let me tell you a story
about another bully I knew.

That bully's name was my entire
sixth-grade basketball team.

And also some of the parents.

Whenever I went to sh**t,
they'd all yell, "No!"

'cause they thought I'd miss.

In case it wasn't clear,
I was the chauffeur in my story.

We're on my story now.

I spent that entire season on the bench,

but I practiced every chance I got.

And when it was time
for the division finals

and half the team was out
with mono because of a game

of spin-the-bottle I was excluded from,

they had no choice but to put me in.

And when everyone shouted,
"No," I made that sh*t.

Turns out it was in the wrong basket.

That's why they were shouting.

But the point is... I don't back down.

So you've always been a loser.

Great story. Kind of knew the ending.

Too bad for you... I don't lose.

- You lost in my courtroom.
- That was rigged.

You were the judge, and no one
wins in fluorescent lighting.

All right. Let's play on your turf.

sh*t Clock Showdown.

I'm gonna b*at you for Ella and Al Roker

and every single mother
you crushed over the years.

You're on.

Oh, and by the way,
I also have a basketball story.

I won a national championship
with UConn.

_

All right. So you're both all in, huh?

I'll tell you what.
It's my call. All in.

Ha! Queen-high straight.

- Beats my two pair.
- Yeah. Well, you know what?

I hate to inform you. The queen is dead.

Long live the king... high straight.

Oh, money? Come here. Daddy missed you.

Hold on. Hold on.

This guy's two pair is really good.

It's 3s... and 3s.

Ha! That's four of a kind.

- [LAUGHS]
- Oh, my God. I win!

I can finally afford to fix
the typos in my back tattoo.

Thanks for your help. Here's a watch.

- Good luck with your horniness.
- [CHUCKLES, GASPS]

Hold on. It's after midnight.

Fleet Week is over
and I didn't lick one sailor.

Let's see how you do next week
during Wrestle Mania.

Mamma mia.

Come quick!

The judge is about to play
some mom in sh*t Clock Showdown!

- Hundred dollars on the mom?
- Yeah. I'll take that action.

- You got 100 bucks?
- I got a paper clip.

[APPLAUSE, GAME BEEPING]

She's on fire!

Don't do this. You can't b*at her.

I stood up to Jasmine once,
and now I have to memorize

a list of acceptable talking points

because this weekend,
I'm meeting her parents.

But I do think it will help me
talk to Dan.

You wish.

So she played for UConn.
That's ancient history.

She only stopped playing pro
a couple years ago

after winning her third Olympic gold.

[MACHINE CHIMES, BUZZER SOUNDS]

Twenty points! Unbeatable!

[MACHINE CHIMES]

Feel that? That's how Lithuania felt.

Potatoes!

Get your big potatoes here!

Judge, if you think you can do this...

I believe in you.

Wyatt, that's very sweet of you.

But that's the last thing I need.

My game was built on people
not believing in me.

Abby, just know I'm here for you.

I am behind you zero percent!

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

Boo!

[CROWD SHOUTING]

[CROWD GASPS, MURMURS]

[DOWN-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

[VOICE DISTORTED] No!

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Unbelievable!

Your negativity made her stronger.

Hey. I just want to say...
you owe me five bucks.

Oh, no. I... I hope this doesn't mean

we'll have to take a rain check
on meeting your parents.

I'm taking a rain check on everything.

I need to focus on my basketball.

I just lost to a four-foot
civil servant sh**ting a potato!

Thanks for sticking by me.

Aw, no need to thank me.

And you did inspire me
to stand up for myself.

I think I deserve a raise.

- [MACHINE CHIMES]
- Awkward.

Someone unplug that thing.

It was unplugged the whole time.

- That's night court, baby!
- [MACHINE CHIMES]