05x08 - Doug's Bloody Buddy

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] "Dear journal,

this was definitely going to be

the spookiest Halloween ever."

[owl hooting]

My shoes are touching dirt.

Can't we go home?

No, Beebe. It's up to us

to find the Bluffington vampire.

As long as you're leading the way, Doug

I'm not scared, I guess.

[woof woof woof]

Porkchop, cut it out!

[voice] Boo-oo-oo!

Aah!

Just remember, the vampire--

[Porkchop howls]

Huh? Uh-oh.

Can't hurt us as long
as we stick together.

Great. It better be clean down there.

Whoa!

[moaning]

-Doug!
-Quiet, Patti.

[growls]

[shrieks]

We found it, guys.

We're going to save the town.

Guys?

Aah!

You? You're the Bluffington vampire?

Zoinks!

[footsteps]

[door squeaks]

[whistling]

That's me.

Aah!

[Doug] "Well, journal,
it's the end of October

and that means the whole school

is getting ready for
the big Bloatsburg game

and Halloween.

But an even bigger deal around school

is Connie Benge's new hobby--

Spreading rumors."

I heard that Skunky Beaumont's
got detention

through his 21st birthday.

[gasp]

[yawn] Come on, Connie.

Let's go to Mr. Swirly's.

I heard Swirly's was haunted.

Connie!

[Doug] "And the school
has some really spooky

Halloween decorations this year.

Bats hanging in the tower.

Of course, Connie had
a rumor about them, too."

[gasp] Bats gather like that to seek
their master.

You know what that means.

Someone in this school is the bat master.

Vampire-- leader of the bats.

-[all gasp]
-What about Ms. Kristal?

Anything's possible with Ms. Kristal.

Aah!

[all gasp]

Aah!

[all gasp]

Ahh, listen to them.

The children of the night.

What music they make.

Ha ha ha ha!

OK, that's from Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Now everybody grab your books
and turn to page 19.

[all] Oh, wow!

What about that Mr. Crushie dude?

We don't know anything about him.

It's your duty to go up there

and make those bats scat.

Me? I can't.

Why not?

Because he's the bat master.

Well, I can't because
bats make me feel all icky.

[shivers]

I don't think it's him.

Well, keep watching the tower.

The bat master is sure to go up there

to visit his loyal subjects.

Do you think Mr. Fort is the bat master?

He doesn't have to be.

He's already totally scary, man.

Man, Skunky says man a lot.
Did you notice, man?

The Bloatsburg game is T-minus three days
and counting!

Do we know what wins football games?

[all] Music wins football games!

What kind of music?

Game-winning music.

Check the record books.

The team with the best band
plays the best ball.

I heard that the Bloatsburg Band leader

has a spy here to steal our band's plans
for the big game.

I heard that!

Is that true?

Rumor has it, sir, Mr. Fort, sir.

Of course he sent a spy.

Baron Verderberger-er
has dedicated his life

to making me feel foolish.

It all started in the third grade.

He was jealous because
I got the trumpet solo.

[playing The Blue Danube]

[playing jazz]

[audience] Ha ha ha ha!

♪ ♪

Oh, I feel like a big doof!

Hee hee hee hee!

[Fort] Well, that's when it began,

and he's never stopped trying

to make me look like a dope.

Whoever that spy is,

you tell the baron he won't b*at us,

'cause we're switching to plan B.

What's that?

Ha ha, well, it's a secret!

Now we'll see who looks dopey.

Skunky, have you seen Skeeter?

Negatori. Doug-dude, I was thinkin',

What if I'm the bat master
and I don't know it?

I like my burgers rare.

If it were you, you'd be in the tower.

You heard Connie.

The bat master goes up there to be
with his subjects.

Oh, yeah. Hey, isn't that your bud?

Yeah, thanks. No wonder I
couldn't find him.

He's up in the t-t-t-t...

[thunder]

Whoa!

S-S-Skunky, did you see

someone up there with the b-b-bats?

Valentine's hangin' with the bats, man.

[thunder]

[Doug] I couldn't believe it.

My very own best friend, the bat master?

No. No way, except I saw it
with my own two eyes.

Aah!

Aah!

[both grunting]

Whoa!

[game beeping]

You think I could have a glass
of water, Skeet?

Sure, come on.

I'll wait here, okay?

Ok. I'll be right back.

Take your time.

I'll just be here relaxing.

Now's my chance to find out if Skeeter
really is a vampire.

Socks...very normal.

A bloody hook, a monkey's paw,

An opera CD...

Nothing weird.

[door squeaks]

A vampire coffin and
a vampire day planner!

Beebe...bit her.

Chalky...bit him.

Patti...bite at 11:32.

He's going to bite Patti.

I have to warn her!

Patti! Patti!

What's wrong, Doug?

Skeeter's a vampire

and he's going to bite you at 11:32.

Ha ha ha. Doug, you're so funny.

Aah!

Huh?

-Bla-bla-bla.
-Bla-bla-bla.

Skeeter bit me yesterday.

Today, he's scheduled to bite you.

Oh, I should have looked.

[Skeeter] Come on, Doug, it's cool.

Blah-blah-blah.

We're all vampires now. Blah-blah-blah.

Blah-blah. Hey, Doug.

Blah! Hey, Doug.

Blah! Ow!

Oh, stupid house!

[all] Blah-blah-blah-blah.

No, get away from me!

Aah!

Oh, aah!

[panting]

Oh, what a dream.

[Patti] Yoo-hoo, Doug!

Patti?

Hey, Doug, wanna fly to Swirly's

for a Swirlyliscious Plasma Shake?

Aah!

I hate double dreams.

[Doug] I didn't know
whether to tell anybody

That is saw Skeeter with the bats.

The only way to catch the bat master

is to form teams to watch
all the grownups.

Well, what if it's not a grownup?

What if it's one of-- you know, us?

-Come on, guys, there's no bat master.
-Aah!

Bats of the family Desmodontidae
feed on birds' blood,

but there's no such thing
as a real vampire.

Skeeter's smart. He's gotta be right.

Hey, Doug-dude and me saw Skeeter hangin'
with the bats yesterday.

[gasp]

Yeah, well...

Of course Skeeter says

there's no such thing as vampires.

He's covering up. He's the bat master!

[all gasp]

Hi, Ms. Kristal, honk, honk, whoa!

That's one spooky hombre.

[Doug] I decided I'd better talk to my dad
about all this.

Dad, could you tell me about
preternatural phenomena?

Uh, well, sure. First, a man and
woman fall in love,

get married, and decide to--

Dad, no, not that.

I want to know what you can tell me
about vampires.

Vampires, huh?

Yeah, vampires.

Oh, okay, sure. Ahem.

First, a boy vampire meets a girl vampire

-and they fall in love,
-What?

Get married--

Oh, man!

[Doug] By the next morning,

every kid in school
was talking about Skeeter.

Valentine's a vampire!

[Connie] Not just a vampire,
the bat master!

Uh, Skeeter Valentine sucks blood. Ha ha.

Skeeter can't be a vampire, guys.

Where's the proof?

Let's look at the facts.

He's blue, the color of the undead.

And how could he be that smart unless
he's 200 years old?

-Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
-Willy?

He's got a bandage on his finger.

So? He cut his finger.

But vampires wrap themselves in bandages.

No, they don't. That's mummies.

You mean he's a mummy, too?

Like my jacket, Roger?

It's wired for Cable TV.

Jacket, schmacket. Who cares?

I just bought all the latest
anti-vampire stuff

to protect us from Valentine.

How does this stop vampires?

As long as I was shopping,

I got some personalized underwear.

This camera will show us

what vampire stuff valentine's hiding
in his locker.

Come on, Roger.

Hmm, dirt.

Probably the soil of his homeland

so he can sleep in his locker.

That's from his science experiment
about dirt clods.

-Huh?
-[Doug] Is that bat chow?

Who's a clod now, Funnie?

♪ Vicious blood-sucking vampire cola ♪

Nothing goes with delicious bat chow

like a cold, frosty mug of...

Vicious blood-sucking vampire cola.

I'd rather drink that

than bite my best friend, right, Doug?

Yes, Master.

Whoops! Ha ha ha.

[Doug] There must be an explanation.

Yeah, your friend's a bloodsucker.

I don't have time to argue, Roger.

I've got to go to band practice.

Hey, guys, what's doin'?

Eek! Eek!

[Doug] The only person not thinking about
vampires was Mr. Fort.

Plan B, plan B, let's see.

First, soften them up
with the percussion-- boom!

Flank 'em up with the glockenspiels--
then bang!

I hit 'em with my trumpets.

It'll be a m*ssacre!

Let's just check the math.

Forty-seven degrees, carry the 12...

Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. Ha ha ha!

Lead your band, baron,

little realizing plan B
is about to strike.

Ha ha ha ha!

Who's laughing now? Me! I am!

Ha ha ha ha.

[knock on door]

No practice today.

I'm doing a little sewing!

Whoa, no practice.

Wow, plan B must be big.

Yeah, bat chow and dirt.

Hey, I just realized
Skeeter can't be a vampire.

Vampires have to sleep all day.

Eh, those rules were probably made up
by vampires

to fool us, you loser.

Get on the bus, Doug.

Everybody in the whole school
can't be wrong.

[boy] That's my seat.

Yeah, move over.

[everybody quiet]

-Hey, guys.
-[all gasp]

Hello? Honk honk.

[all] Aah!

[Doug] "In the original Greek,

vampire comes from the root word "vampus"
meaning bat-like,

and "pireen" meaning thing."

So my best friend's a vampire.

Does that mean I can't be
friends with him anymore?

[all] Aah!

Ha ha ha ha!

[ding dong]

Funnie, we took a vote.

From now on, everybody stays
clear of Valentine.

-[all] Yeah!
-But why?

What did Skeeter ever do to anybody?

He did this!

Invitations to his house on Halloween--

The scariest night of the year.

So?

Don't you get it?

He's caught on. He knows we know.

He wants to get us all together
in one place and...

[munching]

Make us all zombie slaves

-of the bat master.
-[telephone rings]

Oh, Douglas, Skeeter's on the phone.

Mom, could you tell him I--

Funnie, it's a question of public safety.

If you talk to Valentine,

nobody can talk to you.

Hmm?

[gasp]

Tell him I just stepped out.

[Doug] On the night of Skeeter's party,

Roger invited everyone to his house

for an anti-vampire party.

[murmuring]

How you doing? Get your garlic.

Garlic right here. Stops vampires dead.

[Doug] As much as I hate to admit it,

I went to Roger's party, too.

Want some garlic, Funnie?

No, thanks.

I'm glad you came, Dougie boy.

It's nice to know we're all safe
from vampires.

Patti, do you think I should at least
call Skeeter?

I don't know, Doug. This whole thing is
getting out of hand.

Wasn't your, um, you know,

the thing with all the people...

-Party?
-Yeah, your party,

Wasn't it tonight?

And where are the people?

You know, um, the people who like you.

Friends?

Yeah, friends.

I don't have any,

nobody likes me anymore, Dad.

I thought if I had a party,
they'd like me.

Now how could anyone not like you?

You're true blue.

Even Doug didn't show up

and he's my best friend.

At least I thought he was.

If I never see Skeeter again,

what will my life be like?

-[yawns]
-[game bleeps]

[Doug] I win.

[sighs]

[people screaming]

[Doug] It's just not the same.

I can't dump my best friend.

But is a friendship worth dying for?

Connie, your rumor about talking gerbils

in science lab was wrong,

maybe you're wrong about Skeeter, too.

There's too much proof.

You saw him with the bats.

Yeah, ditto, man.

And he's really weird.

That doesn't make him a monster.

Maybe some people think you're weird, too.

Oh, come on. Who could think I'm weird?

[all] Huh? Well...

You got a point there.

He's having a party.

He never had a party before.

Maybe he's having a party

because everyone's been avoiding him

and he feels lonely.

Yeah, sure, but you're
forgetting one thing.

He's a vampire!

[all] Yeah, yeah!

The least we can do is ask
Skeeter about it.

Anyone with me?

[crickets chirping]

If Funnie gets bitten,

then he'll bite some of us

and pretty soon we'll all be vampires.

And if we're all vampires, who do we bite?

Either way, we get jinxed.

We've got to stop him.

[all] Yeah, come on!
We've got to stop him!

[crowd murmuring]

Wow, I convinced them.

They're coming to Skeeter's, too.

[Roger] There he is. Get him!

Come on, everybody, stop Funnie!

Uh-oh.

Grab him. Stop the vampire!

Don't let him out of your sights.

[squeaking]

[panting]

Somebody, grab a stake!

He's getting away!

[squeaking]

[panting]

[Doug] Skeeter!

Hey, Doug.

Doug, hey!

[panting]

Skeet, everyone says you're a vampire
and they--

Joey Cucamonga! I knew it!

Everybody, do this.

Melt! Melt!

Why isn't he melting?

All right, who's not doing the fingers?

[all] Aah!

Cool surprise, huh?

I made the model bats myself.

[all sigh]

Don't bite me, bite them!

The bats are fake.

You're not a real vampire,
are you, Skeeter?

Ha ha ha. You thought I--

Wow! Is my Halloween costume that good?

No, it's because of my big mouth.

I started a stupid rumor.

Hold it. Why were you up in the tower
hangin' with the bats?

Mr. Crushie's afraid of them,

so for a science project,

I found the bats a new home.

You guys will like the park.

Lots of nice trees to hang in.

[squeaking]

So long! Honk honk.

That's why you had bat chow
in your locker.

It all makes sense, Roger.

Huh? Uh, how'd you like
my performance, suckers?

This was my Halloween costume--

The scared guy.

Yeah, right. Ha ha ha.

Sir Roger Chickenheart.

Aah!

Oh!

[Doug] "Boy, I guess it's really important

what you say about other people.

We almost missed Skeeter's great party

because of a stupid rumor."

[glub glub glub]

Ha ha ha ha.

[Doug] "I should have known.

Just because everybody
says something's true,

doesn't make it true."

Something Mr. Fort learned the hard way.

[marching music playing]

Uh, Mr. Fort, what I said before
about the spy...

It wasn't true.

Not true! I got 10 seconds to stop plan B!

[grunts]

Aah!

Oh, fudge!

Hey, what the--

[buzz]

Oh! Aah! Oh!

[playing off-tempo]

[Doug] I heard that Connie
got in trouble for plan B,

but I'm not spreading any rumors.

[theme music playing]