05x07 - Doug's Big Comeback

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

Yes!

Wow, Doug, you're burning them up today.

This is the best game you've ever bowled.

Yay.

Whoo!

Come on, come on.

[cheering]

Cool, man.

Way to go, Skeet.

Knock down the rest of them
and you got a spare.

[man] Hey!

If you get a strike, you b*at your
top score, Doug.

Oh, great.

Roger and his g*ng.

He's really been riding me lately.

Hey, guys, look.

It's the gutter-ball boys.

Don't pay any attention to him.

He only does it because he thinks
he's funny.

Hey, Funnie, is that your head, or are you
bowling with two balls?

Oh, yeah?

[mocking] Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

Uhh!

[crash]

[g*ng laughing]

Oh, brother!

[whistling]

That's me.

[crash]

♪ Do do do do do do-do ♪

I think the ball must have jumped
about 12 lanes,

and it would have kept going

if it hadn't gotten lodged
in Mr. Swirly's--

Oh, slapstick!

I love it.

Dougie, our little silent clown.

It's not funny, Judy.

Roger's always ragging on everybody.

I wish I could shut him up
once and for all.

I don't think you want to sink
to Roger's level, son.

Just ignore him, and he'll get tired
of teasing you.

But don't worry. I never will, Dougie.

Judith, your brother has a problem.

You shouldn't make fun.

I know what I would say
to that Roger Klotz.

What, Mom?

I'm rubber and you're glue.

What you say bounces off me
and sticks to you.

So there. Huh!

[Skeeter] Hmm.
You think that'll work, man?

[Doug] Well, it is kind of old.

Well, instead of glue, you could say
he's an electromagnet.

That's pretty modern.

Hmm. Electromagnet.

Maybe.

Hey, Chalky.

Oh, hi, guys. I'm working on plays

for the big game against Bloatsburg.
You guys coming?

You know I'll be there.

I'm on the team, Chalky. I've just never
gotten to play.

No wonder you forgot.

Sorry, Skeeter. I got to go with
the best players

if we want to be league champions.

Chalky, we're undefeated.
We've won every game.

They weren't all shutouts.

Plenty of room for improvement.

I guess. Doug, you want anything?
I'm getting some fries.

That fried food will just weigh you down.

Get some pasta. Carbo load.

Don't eat too much, Valentine.

-You don't want to break the bench.
-[all laugh]

Hey, Chalky, didn't your mother teach you

not to play with your food?

Hey, Funnie, tell Studebaker

about getting your ball lodged
in Mr. Swirly's--

Very funny, Roger.

Hey, guys.

Wouldn't you rather have a salad, Patti?

We're in training, you know.

Hey, Studebaker, you ought to have
Funnie on your team.

He'd really be great...

At being a loser.

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, man.

You know something, Roger?

I'm an electromagnet, and you're glue.

No, iron.

No--let me start over.

Eew! P-U. Funnie.

Your comebacks are about as lame
as your bowling.

Well... Oh, yeah?

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, brother.

Hmm.

I'm returning the pop quiz
we took yesterday.

Um...

A lot of you missed
questions three, seven, and ten.

That tells me I must not
have taught those well,

so I didn't count them.

Anyway, I graded on a curve,

-so you all passed.
-[kids cheering]

I'm so proud of you.

Now, let's see,

who gives today's oral book report?

Douglas Funnie?

Good luck, man. I hate speaking in public,

even when I'm alone.

Duck and cover, everybody.

Here comes a real b*mb.

Roger... heh heh... please.

The book I read was--

Probably one of those
pop-up books for babies.

Now, Roger.

It was not.

It was a pretty cool book called--

Talk lower, Funnie. We can still hear you
in the back.

Oh, yeah? Ooh!

Yaah!

Aah!

I don't believe it.

What a loser.

[Doug] I tried to avoid Roger
as much as I could.

It was like he was on everybody's case.

[cheerleaders] Go, Beebe!

[crash]

Go, Beebe!

Gee, thanks, Roger.

No, no.

I mean go, go... go!

Hoo hoo! Hoo hoo hoo hoo!

[cr*ck]

You guys should join the team.

They could use more losers.

That'll be fixed... Right after my break.

[cheering]

What's the big deal?

She almost missed that catch.

I'm calling practice in 10 minutes.

We've got to get ready
for the inter-league semifinals.

Patti, I want to see you shag some flies.

What?

We won the game, Chalky.

We're not practicing now.

We're going to Swirly's.

OK, OK, you're right.

You guys deserve a break.

Go to Swirly's and be back in,
say, half hour?

See you tomorrow, Chalky.

Ooh.

Quite a big mouth on little Ms. Mayo,
eh, Funnie?

Hey, Annie Oakley,

way to sh**t your mouth off.

Heh heh heh heh!

Cut it out, Roger.

Face it, Funnie. Your girlfriend's
a loudmouth,

and Studebaker's a bigger loser
than you are.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'd sure never let a girl

talk to me like that.

I've never even seen a girl talk to you
at all, Roger.

Uh-oh.

Ha ha ha ha!

Yeah, nice burn, Funnie.

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, yeah?

[announcer] Look, up on the stage!

It's a juggler!

It's a performance artist!

No, it's Funnieman!

Yes, Funnieman,

fighting a never-ending battle to defend
the insulted.

Great science project, Patti.

Proves there's no intelligent life
on this planet.

Heh heh heh heh!

Oh, yeah?

Well...

Funnieman!

Help! I need a comeback!

Stand back, ma'am.

No use trying to make him
act like a human being.

He doesn't do impersonations.

Ouch! Zinger!

I wish my I.Q. was lower, sir.

Then I could enjoy your company, too.

Aah!

Oh, funnieman, you're so...

Insulting.

[Doug] After I got back
at Roger at the game,

I was on a roll.

Nice outfit, Valentine.

I used to have clothes like that...

Till my dad got a job.

Oh, really? Your dad got a job?

I didn't know the circus was in town.

Watch this.

Roger's gonna cream him.

Oh-oh, yeah?

Well, I don't have time to listen to
your weak little jokes, Funnie.

Come on, guys.

Hmm. This is a dilemma.

They're both funny, yet
Roger often uses his humor

as a type of passive-
aggressive manipulation.

Ah. But Doug will deal with Roger's
deep-seated hostility,

and he won't att*ck us,

so our self-esteem will remain intact.

Duh... let's sit with Doug.

Boy, I'll bet this food
keeps the school nurse busy.

They're selling stomach pumps
in the lobby.

Teacher's lounge.

Boy, we do all the work and they get paid.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Some school colors.

My TV looks like that
when it's on the blink.

I thought you guys said he was funny.

Er... What happened, Doug?

How come you're not funny anymore?

I know you're out there.

I hear you chirping.

Heh. Heh. Heh. Heh.

[audience member coughing]

[testing microphone]

Is this an audience or an oil painting?
Heh heh.

Rise and shine.

[imitates Reveille]

[chair scraping floor]

Wait! Come back!

OK, so a gorilla walks into a bar
and says...

I've got it, I've got it.

"If brains were pennies, you wouldn't have
any sense."

Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

-You're humoring me, aren't you?
-[rrr]

It's no use, Porkchop.

I lost it.

The g*ng will think I'm a doofus.

[laughter outside]

[no audio]

Say, bud, how's Tippy?

Haven't seen much of her
since she got elected mayor.

Me neither. I'm so miserable without her,

it's almost like having her here.

Just a joke, Phil.
A little wife humor there.

Gee, if only I could tell
a put-down joke like that.

He makes it look so easy.

That's it!

Douglas, my boy!

Come in. Do come in.

To what do I owe the pleasure
of this visit, huh?

Well, I heard what you said
about Mrs. Dink, and--

Oh, that. Ha ha ha!

Just a little joke, my boy.

Nothing you'll ever want to repeat
to the missus.

No, Mr. Dink.

I-It's just that I need to know how
to tell a joke like that.

Oh, I have just the thing. [laughs]

It'll teach you jokes...

[whispering] And take your mind
off Mrs. Dink.

Rick Nickles, the world's greatest
insult comic.

Wow, what's that?

Super Eight movies.
Kind of a pre-video video.

We used to project them on the screen
with one of these projectors. [laughs]

No, thanks, Mr. Dink.

I don't think we have
one of those projector thingies.

Well, uh, Tippy will be home soon.

I tell you what, Douglas.

Take the projector and the screen,

and you can watch 'em at home.

Thanks, Mr. Dink.

Oh, don't mention it, Douglas.

Not a word. Ever.

Especially to the missus.

Hey! My mother-in-law is so dumb,

she could get lost in a revolving door.
[laughs]

If brains were quarters,

she couldn't make a local call.

And speaking of fat,

she's so fat...

And speaking of fat, she's so fat,

when she jumps in the air, she gets stuck.

In her college yearbook,

her picture was on page 41, 42, and 43.

She was named Miss North Dakota,
South Dakota,

-and a little piece of Montana.
-[laughter]

Speaking of my mother-in-law, she has
that middle-age spread. Fat!

[laughter and applause]

[whimpering]

Come on, Porkchop, let's go to Swirly's.

I'm going to be the funniest kid in
the whole tri-county area.

Hey, Porkchop, if you
gain any more weight,

you'll have to turn
your mirror sideways. Fat!

[rrr]

Come on, Porkchop, it was just a joke.

-[whimpers]
-Lighten up.

-Get it?
-Fat!

Ha ha ha ha!

[cheering]

Come on, people, stay awake out there.

We blew the shutout.

They're gaining on us!

It's 15-1, Chalky.

Yeah, now.

Want me to spell you, Chalky?

That ankle looks pretty bad.

Nah. I'll just keep icing between innings.

Now let's get out there and get our
uniforms dirty!

It looks like Roger has a new g*ng.

And he's buying them everything in sight.

[cheering]

Whew!

That could have been a triple, Mayonnaise!

Come on, let's see some hustle!

Hey, Skeeter! Buddy!

Way to keep that bench warm!

Ha ha ha! Right, guys?

Ha ha! Ha ha!

Hey, Skeeter, what position
are you playing--

Left out? Ha ha ha!

[laughter stops]

I'm assigning this book

because it was my favorite
when I was your age.

Only now it's not printed
on stone tablets.

Hoo hoo ha ha!

I used to spend hours reading in my room.

Yeah. By candlelight.

I... love books

Because... They take me places
I've never been before.

Yeah. Like Planet Earth.

Ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Oh, I k*ll me.

[gasps]

[voice breaking] I think we've had
enough today.

[sniffle]

[crying] class...dismissed.

Boy, oh, boy, Doug.

I think you made the teacher cry.

Yeah. I don't think Roger's even
done that.

Hey! My mother-in-law
is watching her weight--

Watching it go up!

She eats like a bird.

A really big bird.

[audience laughs]

Ha ha ha ha!

[Doug] It was strange.

I had everything I wanted.

So how come I wasn't happy about it?

[Mom] Douglas! Your friends are here!

There you are, boys.

A nice big slice for each of you.

And I saved a little sliver for myself.

Yeah, right, Mom.

You eat like a bird.

A really big bird!

-Oh?
-[laughing]

You're supposed to be eating for two, Mom,
not 200.

-Fat!
-Ha ha ha!

Oh, Douglas!

-Fat?
-[laughing]

Hey, Patti. Hey, Connie. Hey, Beebe.

Hey, Doug. Hey, guys.

Oh, boy. You really zapped
your mom, Funnie.

Even Roger wouldn't do that.

Could you guys keep it down, please?

You're ruining my concentration.

[mocking] You're ruining my concentration.

[takes deep breath]

[exhales]

I won! I won! Yes!

-Come on, Doug, get her.
-Huh.

It's a good thing she won.

I'm not saying she's a sore loser,

but she gets mad
when she loses her breath.

[laughing]

Attaboy, Doug.

Let her have it.

She's such a sorehead,

it's a wonder her hair's
not black and blue.

[boys laughing]

Patti, wait!

I didn't mean it!

Oh, no.

Will you guys can it?

Hey, what's your problem?

Why don't you guys just...
leave me alone?

Gladly.

It's not as if we don't have feelings.

That type never realizes that having fun

at the expense of others
is not only cheap,

but moreover, hinders
the proper development of social skills.

Duh... He's mean.

Chalky's unfair! Chalky's unfair!

Chalky's unfair! Chalky's unfair!

What do you mean, strike?
We're going to the finals.

You can go by yourself, Chalky Studebaker.
We've had enough.

You took all the fun out of the game.

But we won!

Hey, Skeet!

Hey, Skeet.

Fine, then. I'll just do it myself.

Get ready for some heat!

Mmm... Uhh!

[Doug] It was pathetic.

Safe!

[Doug] Chalky tried to play the game

all by himself.

I knew exactly how he felt.

[boy] Uh-oh. Our whacky whizzer.

I'll get it.

No, don't. Old man Funnie lives there.

Let's go together.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Are you kids in my yard,

or am I just watering the weeds?

Fat! Fat!

Old man Funnie! Run for it!

What's happening to me?

What kind of guy am I anyway?

I've insulted everybody I know.

My mom. Even Patti.

She'll never speak to me again.

I gotta tell her I'm sorry.

I gotta call her.

Do you think she's up?

I got to give this stuff back to Mr. Dink

before it ruins my life.

I'm gonna have a busy day tomorrow.

Mom, I'm sorry I said that stuff to you.

I don't know what got into me.

I was trying to be funny,

but I guess I was just being mean.

I wouldn't blame you if you never
spoke to me again.

At first I was just trying to stop Roger
from picking on everybody,

but I guess I just got
a little carried away.

I guess I didn't think

about how it made anybody else feel.

I thought if I was funny,

it would make everybody like me.

Gee, Doug, you didn't have to do all that.

Most everybody did like you.

They did?

Well, at least nobody hated you.

Come on, Doug, put on this disguise

and let's go to Swirly's.

You bet, Skeet. My treat.

[car horn honks tune]

Hey, Valentine!

If you're gonna walk around with Funnie,

you ought to be wearing one of these.

See? It says, "I'm with stupid."

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Look, sir,

I'm not going to engage
in a battle of wits with you.

-I never att*ck an unarmed man!
-[laughing]

[Doug] Suddenly, it didn't
seem so important to shut Roger up.

I was sick and tired of insulting people.

Here it comes!

This is gonna be good.

Oh, yeah?

Boy, that was weak.

Whoever said that guy was funny?

Hey, you guys want to come to my house?

Duh... I thought you had a new g*ng.

Those losers. They were just
after my money.

Hop in the limo and I'll give you
some free stuff.

Free stuff! Excellent!

You know, I was just kidding
when I was over there.

Hey, Patti. Can I sit down?

I guess so.

Patti, I'm sorry for what I said to you
at the bowling alley.

That's okay, Doug.

No, it's not.

I was acting like a big jerk,

insulting everybody.

I guess a joke isn't funny

unless everybody gets to laugh.

You guys friends again?

Come on, Patti, don't be such a sorehead.

Oh, no! Is my hair turning black and blue?

[both laughing]

-Friends?
-Friends.

Well, I better go. Tomorrow's
the Championship Game.

You mean the strike is over?

Yeah. Chalky practically passed out

trying to play without the team.

What happened?

Well, it took a few bandages,

but he finally promised to lighten up
and have some fun.

Come on, guys, you're looking good!

[panting]

Way to go, Patti!

Nice single.

Hey, Skeeter, I need you.

More water? Bandages?

No. I need you to get out there

and strike this guy out, Skeeter.

Really? No kidding, Chalky?

Who knows? Maybe I'll pitch a no-hitter.

Holy cow!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Wow! Ever seen anyone hit a ball that far?

You guys are the best team
any captain ever had.

Even if we did lose the championship
and we're only number two.

We're number two! We're number two!

Come on, Doug. We're going to Swirly's
to celebrate.

[Chalky] Yeah, come on, Doug!

[Doug] Well, Everything's back to normal.

Working out at Swirly's again,
huh, Funnie?

Yeah, what a loser.

Oh, brother!

-Huh?
-Yep.

Everything's back to normal.