05x10 - Doug Directs

[bunniefuu]

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♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

-♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪
-[chattering]

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-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct chatter]

[screams]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

Dear journal...

[Judy] Yoo-hoo! Little brother!

Hang on. I'll be right back.

What do you want, Judy?

Good news and bad news.

Oh, great. Better give me
the bad news first.

The bad news is, I can't direct your
little founders' day pageant after all.

I have a conflict in my schedule.

What?! But, Judy, you can't quit!

You're the only person who ever directed
the pageant halfway decent!

You said yourself it was a k*ller
schedule.

No one in their right mind would
take that job now.

That's the good news.

I've got someone
who's perfect for the job.

Really? You do?

Oh, man! That's great! Who is it?

You.

[gasps]

[footsteps]

[hinges squeak]

That's me!

[excited children's voices]

[Doug] Dear journal, as I was saying...

It all started in school last week.

As all of you know,
next week is founders' day

The annual celebration
of the founding of Bluffington

by the great, and may I add

Very influential Bluff family.

Yay! Bluff, Bluff...

And, of course, founders' day wouldn't
be founders' day

without the annual founders' day play!

And since she did such a bang up-job

With the pageant,
my Willie was in last year...

Uh, hey, dad!

We decided to ask
a very special directress to help us out.

[crowd cheering]

Oh, great. Judy. Just what I need.

Why couldn't she be busy
with something else?

How could you be busy with something else?

Just last week you were taking bows
and saying yes. What happened?

You have to understand.

A person in my position
gets a lot of offers, Dougie.

Offers?

But what could be more important

than directing my school's pageant?

Well, for one thing,
I'm thinking of having my teeth cleaned.

But how am I supposed to direct?

I don't know anything about directing.

Oh, Dougie, you're being far too modest.

Surely all these years of living with me

something must've rubbed off on you.

I bet if you gave it a try,
you could be an almost average director.

An almost...

average director?

[announcer] It was Broadway mayhem tonight

when average director Doug Funnie

debuted his average school play.

Critics praised it as wonderfully average.

Maybe I can do it!

[Judy] Of course, you should do it.

The only question is
what method you'll be using--

Coleslawski or Sauerkrautski.

Um, both?

[Judy] That's impossible.

Sauerkrautski believes that
the director must

help the actor channel
his sensory energies

in order to best articulate
his inner motivation.

Uh... er... uh...

Hee hee hee hee... Hee hee hee hee hee.

A-and... Coleslawski?

You're the general. The cast is your army.

I'm the general, and they're my army.

That sounds easier. I'll go with that.

Uh, Dougie...

you can't "go with that."

You have to...

-[shouting] Go with that!
-Uhh!

And to help you realize your vision,
General

I'm lending you this... my lucky bullhorn.

Realize my vision.

-Hey, Judy.
-Yes, little brother?

-[Doug through bullhorn] Thank you!
-Aah!

Say, he is good.

[Doug] Saturday night was the time
for the first meeting with my troops.

Whoa! Snow!

Totally torque.

Anyway, this is gonna be cool, you know?

OK, people, now that we're all here

as you know, I'll be taking over
as general...

I mean director for Judy.

Yo, Doug. We're right here, man.

You don't really need that bullhorn.

Right! Right. OK.

You all know the story
of how Thaddeus Bluff was leading

his band of settlers across the land

when he saw two forked trees.

[birds chirp]

Unh!

Truly, this looks like
a good spot to settle.

What say you, wife?

-Yay! All right! That's great! OK!
-Big deal!

Hark! 'tis errant to settle betwixt
two forked trees.

Go! Get thee hence!

Yeah. Go foundeth your town
somewhere else.

Prithee, tell us why

'tis errant to settle
betwixt two forked trees.

I don't know. Just 'tis, that's all.

Nay, I say, we shall not be moved

from betwixt these two trees
which are forked.

Boring! We all know that old story.

Don't know, man.

I thought that Thaddeus dude
sounded totally torque to me.

-No. I'll tell you who's totally, uh--
-Torque?

Whatever.

The real hero guy of Bluffington.

You see...

Millions of years ago...

[boom]

This place was full of volcanoes

and ferocious neematoadosaurases.

But then came Klotz the barbarian.

He tamed the neematoadosaurases...

[rahrr]

[growling]

[screeching]

Plugged up the volcanoes...

[groans]

Yaahhh!

[Roger] ...and made this land safe
for those Bluff wimps.

-That's a good story.
-Yeah, that's right.

Mon, that sounds torque.

Are you kidding?

The Bluffs weren't wimps.

-They were big-time heroes.
-Yeah, Roger.

I think the play really needs to be about

our heroic forefathers,
like Thaddeus Bluff.

Actually, I don't think our forefathers
were the real heroes.

Thaddeus' wife Jinxie saved his life

And she was the real founder
of this town...

our heroic foremother.

This is where we shall build our town.

Huh?

[Beebe] You see,
the spot Thaddeus had picked

was right on a patch of quicksand.

Help!

-Come on!
-Sinking...

-Wife!
-Hold on!

Uhh!

What I meant was

this is where we shall build our town.

All right. Now, first things first.

Let us build a tanning bed!

No. We need food.

-Let us plant beets.
-But what about my tan?

OK. Tanning bed it is.

Now that's settled.
What's for lunch? I'm starving.

Ah. Thank you, good wife.

-[crunch]
-Uhh!

Ok! Beeth! We'll plant beeth!

Jinxie sounds totally torque.

I don't know. It kinda makes me...

I mean, Thaddeus... look like a big dope.
Don't you think so, Patti?

Actually, I think Beebe's story sounds
kinda interesting.

Besides, Jinxie could be a real girl hero.

I'm not gonna do any girly-girl play!

Well, I'm not gonna do a play

about some prehistoric macho lunkhead!

Wait a minute.
The play has to be about Thaddeus.

-Skeeter, what do you think?
-Cows.

[all] Cows?

I was thinking about the cows
that Thaddeus had with him!

Ohhh...

I think they deserve recognition.

We could do a musical

about the graceful dancing cows
that founded Bluffington.

And-and call it, uh... cows!

Skeeter, cows don't dance

and they aren't graceful

and they certainly didn't found towns.

Well, they didn't
found Bluffington at least.

Skunky, which one of the other ideas
do you like best?

Um... I guess, I... no.

But then there's the...
oh, wait. On the other hand...

Wait. Oh, I know. They're all torque, man.

Let's do all of them.

We can't do all of them.
We have to do mine!

Why's that, Funnie?

Because I'm the director here,
and in the theater

the director's the general,
and the cast is his army.

Well, then, "general,"
I think your "army's" deserting.

Sayonara, suckers.

-Forget about it.
-Plfft!

-I'm outta here!
-[Roger] Ha ha ha! Oh, brother!

Oh, no! A blizzard!

We're trapped!

[Patti] There must be

This is great!
We've got the whole school to ourselves.

No one to tell us what to do.

[all gasps]

Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna remain calm

and we're gonna get on the phone
and call for help.

[Skunky] Phone's dead, dude.

What we're gonna...

We're gonna stay right here
where it's warm.

[Skunky] Heat's off, man.

Is... is anybody hungry, or is it just me?

I saw this movie once where these people
were trapped in a blizzard.

They were there for a year

and finally, they all just ate
each other up.

D-uh, I can't stay here a year.

I got a piano lesson!

We've got to prepare
ourselves for the worst.

We've gotta hoard food, build a shelter.

Uh, Roger, we already have a shelter.

Look, mayonnaise, you wanna argue,
or you wanna survive?

Anyone who's interested in surviving,
come with me.

OK. I wanna... I wanna survive.

Don't eat me!

All right. Now we can get back
to the business of--

[Beebe] Dancing cows and talking trees?

Don't you think we should try to establish

contact with the outside world?

Patti's right. We've got to let
the authorities know we're trapped.

-You with me, girls?
-[both] Yeah!

Hey, wait a minute.
W-we'll be stronger together.

Where are you going?

Um, I'm gonna check out
principal White's office.

They say he's got a secret paradise
in there.

I guess it's just the three of us.

Yeah. I guess so.

All right, boys. Looks like we got
all the food groups we need.

There's chocoblasters for protein

and kiwi swazzlers for fruit

and choco-billies for, uh... dessert.

Hey, I saw that.

It may taste good now

but you'll be sorry when there's nothing
left to eat...

But you!

Heh heh heh heh heh!

Yaahhh!

Heh heh heh heh heh heh!

[chomp chomp] Heh heh heh!

The phone lines really are dead.

iIt's a good thing I had my laptop
in my locker.

We can reach someone on-line.

Don't you need a phone line for that?

No. It's totally wireless.
My daddy gave me my own satellite.

[beeping]

I got it! We have made contact!

Who'd you reach?

Well, just doing some on-line shopping.

I ordered this snow blower,
some signal flares

and this really snazzy ski outfit.

Gimme that thing!

Who's gonna deliver it,
the abominable snowman?

We're not gonna get rescued unless
we let someone know where we are.

Hold on. I've got somebody in a chat room.

[typing] We're snowed in.

Can you...

help us?

All right, guys! He's responding!
He says...

What'd he say? What'd he say?

[Patti] He says he's just taken
our magic hat

and he's running away with the dwarf.

What?

I think you've got the wrong chat room.

"Light... switch."

Bummer.

"Secret paradise office switch."

I wonder what this does. I'll flip it.

[Hawaiian music plays]

Whoa! Cool.

Mmm.

-Huh?
-Mmm-rrr-rrr-rrr.

Hey, Porkchop, that's perfect
for Thaddeus.

That's for sure.

I told you we'd find
some great stuff in here.

Those guys don't know
what they're missing.

Man. I wonder what all these do.

Check it out. These harnesses would be
perfect for the flying cows number.

Skeeter! I thought we agreed
that was a stupid idea.

The play's going to be about Thaddeus.

Oh. Oh. Well, fine, then.

You can just stay here with your army,
General.

[soft bark]

Truly, this looks like
a good spot to settle...

Guys?

Guys? [echoes]

[panting]

Ohh...

Heh heh heh heh. [chomp chomp]

Mmm. [blows whistle]

No stopping, Willie.

I want you slobs
in top physical condition.

[chomp chomp]

D-uh, I need to be excused. I have a note.

Aah!

Listen, Willy. Do you want to live?

You call this living?

I quit.

[panting]

OK. Snack break.

-[both] Huh?
-That's it?

[gulps]

OK. Uh... Break's over.

I'm outta here.

-Where are you going?
-Bathroom.

A lot of good that's gonna do you
if we all freeze to death.

You don't know what you're doing!

I know better than you! Now, give it back!

I've almost got someone
at the fire department!

-Uhhh!
-Uhhh!

[Connie] Hey, what does this do?

[Beebe] No!

[gasps]

My satellite!

Connie! I can't believe you did that!

Now we'll never get out of here!

Don't talk to my friend like that.

How could you blow up
a $10 million satellite?!

Well, if you ask me, putting a button
on your computer

that blows up a satellite is a stupid idea
in the first place!

She's got a point, Beebe.

Some team.

[wind blows]

Ohh... hmm.

Ohhh...

[Hawaiian music plays]

[tropical birds call]

Ahhh...

[birds call]

Well... it's like they say.

I got my army, an army of generals...

A play full of directors...

A kitchen full of broth.

[aroo]

I wonder what Bluffington would look like

if the founders acted the way we are.

Hold it right there, pal.

You were jaywalking.

Jaywalking? But the light is green.

Yeah, but when you crossed that street

you entered Klotzlvania.

And in Klotzlvania, green means stop.

But wait. I'm looking for Bluffington.

That's not my problem.
You're on your own, loser.

Ice cold drinks!

Get your ice cold drinks!

I'd like a mango splungee, please.

Hey! Your money's no good here.

-What?
-That's right. You're in Skeetania.

We use skeeteroonios.

Well, things can't get any worse.

Great.

[growls]

Oh!

Doug? Oh, I'm so glad I found you!

What'd you do to the lights?

I didn't do anything. They just went out.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know.
What are you looking at me for?

Well, I just figured that, you know

Jinxie would've known what to do.

Yeah, I guess so. Hey, I know!

When the lights go off in my house

my dad tells the butler to turn on
the emergency power.

Emergency lights, huh?

They must be somewhere around here.

You know, I was thinking about
what you said before, Beebe.

Jinxie really does sound like a heroine.

She was.

Did I ever tell you about the time

she got the cows across the frozen river?

[moo]

[moo]

Me thinks we'll dig a tunnel
under the river

name it after a president,
charge a huge toll

and at rush hour,
it will be backed up for hours.

[Beebe narrating] But Jinxie had
a much better idea.

She tied flat rocks to the cows' hooves.

They were like ice skates.

Then the settlers pulled the cows
across the frozen river.

[moo]

Come on, you stupid cow.

Wow, Beebe, you never told me
that part of the story.

Oh, hey, Patti.

Now, that would make a great number...
cows on ice.

-[all] Skeeter.
-Maybe you got an idea there.

I thought you hated cows.

Sometimes it takes a little while

for really genius ideas to sink in.

[all talking at once]

[Doug] We didn't find
any emergency power system

but we did all find each other.

Well, maybe not all of us.

Wait a minute. Where's roger?

Last time I saw him, he was hoarding
blueberry bingbangs in the gym.

[all] Roger!

-Hello!
-Roger!

Oh, Roger!

Wahhh!

Uh... uh... please!

I've got candy!

T-take whatever you want!

Roger, it's us.

Oh. Uh... ha ha.

Sure. I knew that.

I was just, uh, doing some research

on Klotz the barbarian.

He lived in a cave, you know.

I was just, uh, seeing what it was like

to live in a cave.

Hey!

What if the cave Klotz lived in

turned out to be the one
where the settlers hid out

during the big dust storm?

We can build a cave onstage, can't we?

Sure. We can use some of that stuff
we found, right, Doug?

This is so lame.

We can't do anything without light.

Oh, brother.

Maybe we could set the play at night.

It could be really moody and dark.

-[clunk]
-[all cheer]

But light is good, too.

[all cheer]

All right. Let's get down to work.

[Doug] So we took everyone's ideas

and put them together
to make one big pageant.

Skunky. Where have you been?

It was, like...

There were these...

And then I was, like... whoa! And then...

What are you all doing?

I guess we decided to do everybody's idea.

Totally torquin'.

I wish I'd thought of that, man.

Actually, you did think of that, Skunky.

Oh, here they are, Charlie!

-Are you kids all right?
-Comin' through!

Don't worry, citizens. I'll save you.

I've got ya!

Are you gettin' all this on tape?

Are you young persons all right?

Yeah. We're fine.

Good. That's great.

Anyway, we would've been here sooner

but, uh, I was busy makin' up
these t-shirts.

"I survived the Bluffington blizzard."

And don't forget...
"Re-elect Mayor White."

Well, you can all go home now

and recover from this terrible ordeal.

And, uh, if the newspapers call

make sure to include the part about
how I saved you.

Vote for me.

Um, Principal White,
I think I speak for all of us

when I say we're not going home.

Yeah. We've got a show to put on.

[Beebe] Yeah! Come on!

Come on!

[Doug] And what a show it was.

We started in the prehistoric age

with the story of Klotz the barbarian.

[growling]

[growls]

[grunts]

[groans]

Yes! Ha ha!

[applause and cheering]

[piano plays dramatic sequence]

Uhh!

Uhh!

[all groaning]

Uhh!

[all groaning]

[all] Yeah!

[Doug] But the real crowd pleaser
was the finale.

[bouncy show music plays]

[audience cheers]

♪ This is where we shall build our town ♪

[applause]

[Doug] Well, journal,
I guess it just goes to show

that in one way,
a director is sort of like a general.

They both need cooperation
to spoil the broth.

No. That's not it.

They both cook the...

No, um... one...

leads the band, the other one bans the...

Wait. Wait. I have it...

[Hawaiian music playing]