05x13 - Doug: The Big Switch

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

-♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪
-[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckles]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screams]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct chatter]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[sniffs] Ahh.

Dear journal, tonight was totally perfect.

I got my homework done early,
made a big bowl of popcorn

and settled down to my favorite show.

[announcer] He's a man with two missions.

[siren wailing]

He's the guy who punches two time clocks.

Jason Lee Jackson is doctor cop!

Last week on Doctor Cop...

Blast it, Jackson, you're a cop!

I'm a doctor too, Chief.

Not on my shift!

Ah-ooh. [groans]

Oh, yeah? Tell me that the next time
You sustain a myocardial infarction.

Ah... hoo.

I think I landed on my keys.

Man, this is going to be great!

[Mrs. Funnie] Douglas! Doug, honey!

Can you come here for a minute?

Oh, man.

[footsteps]

[whistling]

Mom, what is it?

Doctor Cop is on and--

Doug honey, would you be a doll
and get your mother some tea?

Can it wait 'til the commercial, please?

Oh, all right, dear, I'll get it.

[grunts]

I'll get it.

[Mr. Funnie] Hey, sport!

Want to loan your dad a finger?

Dad, I really got to get back
to Doctor Cop.

One finger? Come on, for your old dad?

Aw, oh...

OK, dad, but could you hurry,
Doctor Cop is--

Son, have I ever told
you about the joys of fly fishing?

Yes, dad. I--

It's more than a sport. It's an art.

Just you, the fish,
and a pair of big rubber pants.

Dad, I really have to--

Bowling? Not half as relaxing.

Golf? Just a good walk ruined.

Knitting? Well, sure.
But it's not a sport, is it?

There you go, partner, all done.

This one I'm going to use
in big bull lake.

Great, dad...

[panting]

-Aah!
-Let's see...

[announcer] The red speckled shed owl

is the most reclusive of the owl species.

It derives its name
from its red speckled shed.

Judy! I was watching Doctor Cop!

oh, please, Doctor Cop is a horrible piece

of televised, mind numbing drivel.

But I was watching
that mind numbing drivel!

Well, I didn't see your name here.

-Judy!
-No! I'm learning about owls.

-Give it!
-Back off!

-Ah-ah-ahem.
-Uh-oh.

Sorry, you two.

But if you can't watch television

like civilized adults,
there will be no TV tonight.

[Doug] And there it was again,
a perfect evening ruined

by my far from perfect family.

Man! Sometimes being me's a real pain.

That whole Doctor Cop thing made me so mad

it took me forever to get to sleep.

[Mrs. Funnie] Douglas! Wake up!
It's almost 8:30.


Uh. Oh, boy.

Let's see... back pack...
Uh, let's see... Thanks, Porkchop.

Whew.

Ah, Doug Funnie,
funny running into you here.

Oh, hey, Al. Sorry I can't talk.
I'm late for school.

-I'm Moo.
-What?

Oh, hey, Moo. Well, I got to get going.

[panting]

Is there something wrong, Moo?

I'm glad you asked, Doug Funnie

I am having problems with my sibling.

Oh, you mean Al? That's too bad.

Boy, now is kind of a bad time,
I'm really late.

Please, Doug Funnie,
you are almost running and I mustn't run.

I have a note from my physician.

What seems to be the problem?

Thank you, Doug Funnie.

Since starting to attend the moody school

my brother has thrown out

his festive Hawaiian shirts
and now only wears black.

He changed the color of his hair

and I believe he even has...

friends.

Man, that is weird, Moo.
I don't know what to tell you.

Hey, I know!

Tomorrow's Saturday, why don't you come by
my house and we can talk?

That would be appreciated, Doug Funnie.

Good-bye, Doug Funnie.

I can't believe he performed an autopsy
on the crook right there!

Dude, that was the best Doctor Cop ever.

[boy] Oh, man, what a show.

...and then my mom wanted tea

then my dad wanted something, then Judy!

That's too bad, Doug.

I watched it last night.

He performed brain surgery on his partner

during a high-speed car chase!

I mean, it wasn't that good.

Man, Patti, you got it great.

Just you and your dad,
no stupid sister to mess things up.

Well, a big family's nice, too.

Plus you've got that home school.

Man, you got it easy.

Oh, yeah, I got it real easy.

And half days!

Boy, what I wouldn't give for a half day
once in a while.

It's not as easy as you think, Doug.

I've got homework every day.

Ha, ha! Oh, I'm sure it's real hard, too.

Yeah, I'll bet you graduate
number one in your class!

-You going to eat all that lasagna?
-No, you can have it.

Whaa!

So what happened after she threw
the lasagna on you?

She didn't throw it, Skeeter.

It sort or slipped when she was
handing it to me.

But can you believe her?
She's got it twice as easy as me.

Yeah, but do you know
who's got it really easy?

Beebe. Man, she's got more servants
than I got pimples.

She's even got a school named after her!

Yeah, and she wears stuff on her neck...
wh-wh-what?

Huh?

Ahh. Ooh.

So then Beebe says...

[Chalky] Oh, I've got it easy, huh?

And she takes Skeeter's
three sandwich lunch

and trades it for her
nutra-vixen diet bar.

Oh, really?

Man, little did they know
who's got it the easiest.

-You?
-Me? No way!

It's you, sport-boy.

Me? What? You've got it made.

Oh, please.

You've got your perfect little jock house

with your perfect little jock family

all wearing their perfect little jocks.

Oh, come on!

[telephone rings]

Hold on a sec.

Hello.

What? No, I said sell!

You're crazy! All I wanted
was a three point spike!

Why don't you just give my money away!

Yeah, well you couldn't
last a day in my house.

Oh, yeah, well I'd like you to live
my life for a day

see how you'd like it.

That would be great. I could use the rest.

Please, I would love to look after

a little brother as cute as yours.

Oh, yeah.

He's a real sweetheart

especially when he's throwing
pudding at you.

Managing a portfolio sounds really tough,
Roger. Not!

I'd like to see you try it,
Mr. Goody-two-jocks.

Fine. You spend the weekend at my house,
and I'll spend it at your house.

Yeah, my family for your family.

Boy, I'd love to see that.

What do say, Patti? I'll switch with you.

One weekend in Doug Funnie's shoes.
What do you say?

[all agreeing]

[Doug] This will be a breeze.

[Al] Yes, it would be enjoyable
to go to that musical event

Yes... [chuckles] Very well.

I will talk to you later, Serenity.

Oh. Ho!

You were on the phone with someone

and it wasn't 800 technical support.

It is no business of yours
who I was on the phone with.

Get out of my way.

I have held my tongue for a length of time

but I cannot continue!

Look at yourself

what have you done to our
beautiful family hair?

I have turned it into a color
more of my liking.

Now leave me be.

You are denying your true self.
You are false.

Oh! And you, Moo, are a... a nerd!

Aah!

-False!
-I am out of here!

Mmm.

I must talk to Doug Funnie.

[Doug] That Saturday
everybody decided to meet

at Swirly's for the big switch.

Well, Patti, you still have time
to chicken out...

I mean, gracefully decline.

No, sir-ree, Doug Funnie,
this is going to be the easiest Saturday

I've spent in a long time.

Hmm. Dear journal, today I think
I'm just going to sit back

on my round lazy behind.

Cookie?

Thanks, Porkchop!

No, Doug, I think I'll accept
the hardships of being Doug Funnie.

Suit yourself.

Oh, come on, Roger, don't tell me
you'd give up your cushy life for mine.

What, are you crazy?

No money managers

no juggling of numbers to stave off
the tax man...

The simple life. Ah. That's for me.

[announcer reading]

...and Roger Klotz as the Chalky.

Mom! Dad! I'm home!

How was your day at school, Chalky?

Aw, just swell, mom!

[crowd laughing]

Hey, sport! How was school?

Aw, gee, dad, I just got done tellin' mom.

Do I have to go into that again?

[crowd laughing]

Yeah, boy, I can't wait.

So, what's it gonna be, Skeeter?

Wow!

Well?

What? Oh, oh, yeah. Let's switch.

[Doug] And so the big switch was on

and soon everyone was going to find out

just how easy they had it compared to me.

[door bell dings]

Hey, Mr. Mayonnaise

Patti and I are switching lives
for the day.

So, I'm patti and she's me.

So, that makes me...

You're just yourself.

So, if you need her slash me
to do anything

I'll be in her slash my room. See you.

Uh, yeah, sure. Why not?

Whoo! Ha ha ha!

Ahh!

Man, this thing has got
a bazillion channels.

[ring]

[ring]

[whistling]

Wh-what?

Well, Roger, since you're Chalky

you better get started
with your weed workout.

What? But it's Saturday.

Oh, that's right. it is Saturday.

Double weed workout.

But what about the chocolate cake

and the big glass of milk?

-What's that?
-Aw...nothin'.

I better get at the weeds.

Especially if you want to do those
lawn mower wind sprints

and garage cleanups before sundown.
Ha, ha.

Here's his bottle...

Ow!

And his whoobee.

And you'll probably have to
change him soon.

Hey!

Ha, ha, ha, ha...

Helloooo...

Helloooo...

Is anybody here?

Hey!

Somebody?

Anybody...

Who is it? Who's there?

It's me, Patti, Mrs. Funnie.

Um, are you OK?

Oh, I was just noticing how dirty
it gets under this kitchen table

And I thought I'd just
pop down here and give it a good cleaning.

OK. Well...

Oh, while you're here

would you be a dear
and push me further under?

Oh, sure.

[panting]

Ah... no Judy, no pregnant mom... Perfect.

Well, Doug slash Patti

Time for home school.

What? Oh. Oh, sure. Ha, ha.

What's the home school project for today

advanced TV watching, knitting?

Huh? Oof...

Well, sort of.

Today it's ancient Mesopotamian
culture and politics.

Oh. What's that got to do
with TV and knitting?

Huh. Nothing, I guess.

Turn to page 237.

Ohhh...

But, see, all I really wanted
was a banana sandwich.

Bon appétit.

Whoo.

Ahem.

Uh, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Ohh...

Keep your feet moving. Keep 'em moving.

Oh, my back. Ooh... ohh...

OK. Take a break.

You earned it.

Ahh... whew.

Glad that's over with.

Ahh...

-[Mr. Studebaker] OK, back to work.
-Oh!

You know, I keep telling Doug
how relaxing it is...

You play beetball, don't you, Patti?
I knew it.

But what you may not realize

is that fly fishing is a lot more relaxing
than beetball...

OK, Dale, it's time to eat something.

No. Not... aaah!

I look horrible in brown.

Hellooo...?

Uh... uh...

[Mr. Mayonnaise] So King Saragon,
who reigned from about 2335 B.C.

founded the Akkad dynasty,
whose language, Akkadian...

-[thump]
-...gradually came to replace...

Uh, Doug? Do you hear that thumping?

No. I don't hear anything.

Oh. All right.

So anyway, the Akkadian language
gradually replaced Sumerian...

[Doug] I had to open my big mouth.

I wanted to switch.

I wanted to be Patti mayonnaise.

Now I just wanted to go home.

[Mr. Mayonnaise] And speaking of
Caucasus...

Let's have a pop quiz!

[Doug] Oh, man...

[doorbell chimes]

♪ La la la la... La la... ♪

Hello. I need Doug Funnie.

Oh, you must be one of Dougie's
little friends.

I think he's upstairs.

Hello, Doug Funnie.

I... ewwww!

Aaaah!

Why are you screaming?

Because you screamed.

Oh.

You are not the real Doug Ffunnie.

Well, you see, Al...

-Moo.
-...Moo.

Everybody decided to switch families
for the weekend

only now I don't know if it was
such a good idea.

I'm worn out.

That is very confusing.

Tell me about it.

You are saying now you are Doug Funnie?

Well... yeah.

I must think about this.

Are you hot or something?

Do you want me to open up a window?

I do not think that would help.

I believe I am sweating
because you are a girl.

Hellooooo...?

Mrs. Klotz?

Is anybody here?

Oh, man. Whoo-whoo.

I'm free. I'm free. I'm free.

Ha, ha, ho, I'm free.

Yes!

Home!

I'm home!

Hello? Is anybody here?

I'm almost done, Coach.

I just got to...

Oh, it's you.

Well, couldn't take it, huh?

I knew you'd be back as soon as
my accountant got a hold of you.

Actually, Roger, I got so lonely,
I came back home

but I see you've got it
pretty well handled here

so I think I'll head back.

No! You can't leave me here!

I think your dad is trying to k*ll me.

You gotta switch back with me, buddy!
[sobbing]

[Skeeter] Hey, Beebe, where are you?

OK. You were right. I couldn't take it.

There. Are you satisfied?

Hey, wait a minute.
What are you doing here?

Oh, man, I had to come back.

With all those knives and forks

I thought I was gonna stave.

[both laugh]

[Mr. Mayonnaise] Hammurabi of Babylon,
who began his reign

it is believed, in 1792 B.C...

[Doug] I wonder how my mom is doing...

and the baby.

What if she has the baby when I'm here?

And dad... he'll never get all those flies
tied without me. Man...

And I hate to say it

But I'm even, sort of, even,
kind of missing Judy.

Well, time sure does fly when
you're discussing the fertile crescent.

Ah, but I think we've had
enough for today...

Unless you want to get started
on the Sassanid empire, Doug.

-[door opens]
-Doug?

[Doug] What was I gonna say to Patti?

But at that point, I really didn't care.

'cause I was going home.

[screams]

Ohh...

Hey, Moo, sorry about that.

Oh, it is you, Doug Funnie.

Or are you also someone else?

Oh, man, I completely forgot

that I told you to come over.

There is no need, Doug Funnie.

I received help
from your female counterpart.

She explained that my sibling Al
is similar to a fly larva...

He cannot help that he has become
a disgusting horse-fly.

-Did you tell him all that?
-No!

I just told him that sometimes
people change

and there's really nothing
you can do about that.

He's the one that started making up

all that stuff about horse-flies.

Listen, Patti, I'm sorry about
all that stuff

I said about you having it so easy.

I was wrong, too.

I didn't know just how hard being
Doug Funnie was.

Yeah, well, being Patti Mayonnaise

is no walk in the park.

Tell me about it.

You wanna switch?

Are you kidding? In a heartbeat.

All right!

Hey, let's go down to
Swirly's and celebrate.

Sounds like a good idea to me.

[Doug] Oh, hold on a minute, Patti.

I gotta do something real quick.

I love you, mom.

Oh.

Oh, I love you, too, Douglas.

Uhh...

I'm going down to Swirly's, mom.
I'll see ya later.

Boy, I wonder how everybody else
is handling the big switch.

[Roger] Oh, you should
get a load of coach dad.

-I don't know how you do it, Chalky.
-I don't know.

I got a pretty big workout

in your house just trying to find
a way out.

Boy, Beebe, it's amazing to me
you don't starve

in that fork museum you got.

Well, your little brother threw
more food at me

than I've seen all year.

Yeah. But he sure is cute.

Hmm. Hi. Look who else showed up.

Well, it's like I always say...

"There's no place like home."

You never say that, Roger.

I always say it.

There's no place like home.

There... I said it again.

Hey, whatever you say, man.

Hey, Patti, look who's here.

Maybe we should go over there
and talk to him about Moo.

Um, Doug, I don't think
you need to do that.

[Doug] Moo, what happened?

Well, Doug Funnie and female Doug Funnie

it's like I always say...

"If you cannot b*at them, join them."

Hey, I'm the one who always says that!

No, you don't, Roger.

[Roger] Sure, I do.

"And a stitch in time..."

"And be it ever so humble,
there's no place like home."

And "the grass is always greener
on the other side."

That's mine, too.

Hey, man, don't have a cow.

[Roger] Oh, stealing my lines again, huh?

And, uh... "Have a nice day."

That's another one I came up with.

You think that just fell out of a tree?

[closing theme music playing]