01x09 - Ah Néro

[bunniefuu]

[MUSIC AND CHATTER IN BACKGROUND]

She's like no one I've ever been with.

GWEN: How so?

Huh! Yeah, yeah.

"Yeah, yeah"? You can't fool me.

I know you didn't hear me.

"Yeah, yeah,"
is definitely your tell, bro.

Damn. You guys know me so well.

I asked how is Vicky different?

Well, with her, it's like
I don't even wear hearing aids.

We've been seeing each
other for three weeks.

She hasn't mentioned them once.

Isn't that a little... insensitive?

Nah, it's refreshing. I like that
she treats me like I'm normal.

But you're not normal:

You take your coffee black
and chase it with cream.

We should put you in a closet.

It's just most girls I date

see me as the guy with hearing aids.

Remember Tera, the disability groupie?

- GWEN: Ugh!
- JOSH: The worst!

Spent the whole night playing paparazzi

so she'd have content for
disability awareness month.

GWEN: Someone told her I had anosmia,

so she took a selfie with
me plugging her nose...

in solidarity.

Can't believe I dated
her for seven years.

♪

Come on, Zita. We've been over this.

What does mitochondria do?

ZITA: All I know,
miss Jen, is mitochondria

sounds like an absolutely
sickening drag queen.

You're actually not wrong,

but it's also the
powerhouse of the cell.

MAN: Hey, sorry to bother you,

but you got any baseball
cleats in this dump?

Halt. I am on my
government-sanctioned break,

therefore you're
technically breaking the law

by even speaking to me.

Jennifer,
please help this disgruntled man.

Uh, yeah, I'll be right with you!

Okay, review exercise 7.
I'll be back in two.

Uh, hi there. So sorry.
How can I help you?

Hello? Baseball cleats!

Uh-huh, yeah.
They're right over there, sir.

MAN: [SARCASTICALLY] Great!

[SIGHS] Okay, where were we?
Finish reviewing?

ZITA: Oh, you wanted me to do that now?

[SIGHS]

CHRIS: Whatcha doin'?

Ah... tutoring.

Who knew the road to the
Olympics would include

teaching science to an eighth-grader?

ZITA: Miss Jen?

- Is that part of your training?
- My funding.

Ever since qualifying,
I've had to pay for coaching, physio,

supplements, transportation
and accommodation to meets,

not to mention my photoshoot
with Britney Spear.

You did a photoshoot
with the princess of pop?

No, no, no, Britney Spear.

It's the name of my javelin.

Figured some pro sh*ts would
entice brands to sponsor me,

but it turns out no one wants to support

an up and coming javelina. Pfft!

You're spreading yourself too thin.

You should do what that Oprah does.

Buy 8% of Weight Watchers?

Manifest!

The universe just needs
to know what you want.

The morning DJ hired me,
I had just journaled about

wanting a new job.

No offence to you or Oprah,
but I'd rather use

my precious time to earn
some cold, hard cash, so...

if you'll excuse me.

[SIGHS] Zita, we talked about this.

Study first, and then skin care!

DJ: See ya later, Gary.
And get that growth checked out.

I'm not playing around.

- Guess who?! Gah! Whoa!
- Oh, geez.

- Buy a gal a drink first! Oof!
- Vicky, I'm so sorry.

You know I get scared when
I get ambushed from behind

'cause I can't hear.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, yeah. You're hilarious!

Ah... happy three-week-aversary!

I got you these.

Oh my God, you didn't have to.

Earbuds?

Cool!

You know I can't actually use these.

It's okay, they're noise-cancelling.

Oh, and I planned a special
surprise for us tonight.

Ooh la la! What's the plan?

I said it was a surprise, silly.

But don't worry.

I won't be keeping you in
the dark much longer...

[IN A WHISPER] until tonight...

when I'll be keeping you
in the dark a lot longer.

[SEXY SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

VICKY: And don't wear white!

Huh? Ha-ha, yeah, yeah!

WILL: You look so good.

WINSTON: No, you look good.

BOTH: Broski!

[OMINOUS SWELL OF MUSIC]

Will! Winston! [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Of all the used sporting goods stores

in all the mid-sized
cities in all the world,

- what brings you here?
- Oh, we were heading back

after a keynote in Abu Dhabi
and the PJ needed a refuel,

so we thought why not
just drop by our hometown

- and visit our baby bro?
- WINSTON: Yeah, I mean,

it's not every day we get to
see you manage your own store.

- WAYNE: Oh, yeah.
- CYNTHIA: Uh, excuse me? Manage?

Uh, sorry, guys. [LAUGHS]
My employee, uh, has a bad habit

of unnecessarily repeating information.

- Employee?
- Oh, there she goes again.

So, uh, I'm just gonna take a
second while I reprimand her

for interrupting top brass business.
[LAUGHS]

- Top brass?
- [QUIETLY] Just walk with me.

- It's...
- That is...

KEERAN: Um, uh, excuse me?

How old were you when your bodies
became, uh, that?

- Uh, third grade.
- Third grade, yeah.

I'm gonna make this quick, okay?

Those are my brothers.

[LAUGHS] Stop it!

Uh, like, by blood?

Yeah, I know.

They're tens and I'm a nine.
It doesn't make any sense.

No, it does not.

And if their bulging muscle
mass weren't injustice enough,

they also own a multi-million-dollar

wellness company that
they started in college.

- Wow.
- They even tried to give me some shares.

Well, they did, and then...

I was deep into the Beanie
Baby market by then.

I cashed out to buy Gobbles the Turkey,

and then two months later
their company exploded

and Gobbles' resale value plummeted.

Okay, what does any of this

have to do with you
claiming to be manager?

I'm getting to that!

I may have told them
that I am OMT's manager.

I wanted to elevate my status
just slightly in their eyes.

Wow, Wayne...

This is the most vulnerable
that I have ever seen you.

I take umbrage with that.

Now, could you please
just do me a favour

and play along until they leave?

[SIGHS] I don't know...

Come on! I've been here longer than you.

I'm basically an unspoken
manager at this point.

Do you think that being
a manager is easy?

I do.

We live in a world where
entitlement is pervasive.

When irrational customers
march into this store

and you can't handle them,
who do you send them to?

- I just walk away.
- That's right, the manager.

[INTENSE MUSIC]

I have more responsibility
than you can possibly fathom.

I handle the whims and the fancies

of humanity's most
grotesque and depraved.

That's a bit dramatic.

You think you're management material?

Prove it!

I will.

Thank you.

KEERAN: So, uh, does your skin
glow because you're so rich?

- Of course.
- Of course, yeah.

- [LAUGHS]
- Yeah.

Sick!

[ITALIAN ACCORDION MUSIC]

Whoa! Va, va...

and I don't say this often... voom!

You look incredible.

And you look like you
can't follow instructions,

you wild card, ahh!

You said wear all white.

Welcome to Ah Nero,
where the darkness is delectable.

Meaning, what,
you only serve dark meat here, or...?

[GUFFAWS]

A few ground rules.

The dining room is a
strict no-phone zone

to avoid emitting any light.

If you need to relieve yourself,
simply call out "Kevin"

and I'll guide you to the restrooms.

Wait, are we dining in the dark?

Surprise! I ordered for us already.

This is really sweet, Vicky,

but I rely pretty
heavily on lip-reading.

Oh, you'll be fine.

The absence of one sense
heightens the others.

Like Daredevil.

Yeah, not to question
the scientific accuracy

of Marvel Comics,
but my ears have sucked my entire life

and it's done nothing
for my other senses.

So, uh, maybe I can just, uh,
dim the screen on my phone.

Oh, signore, Ah Nero mimics

the reality of our all-blind staff.

The pitch-black dining room
ensures a totally sightless

culinary experience.

Allow me to guide you in.

It's so immersive!

You ready?

Absolutely not.

[GUFFAWS] You're hilarious!

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[DOOR CLOSES]

DJ: Hello?

DJ: Feels like I'm in a giant tin can.

VICKY: [MUFFLED VOICE]

DJ: Sorry, what was that?

VICKY: [MUFFLED VOICE]

...some ciabatta.

DJ: Huh. Yeah, yeah.

VICKY: [MUFFLED VOICE] Cia-bat-ta!

DJ: I'm just gonna move
my chair a little closer

so I can hear you, okay?

[LOUD CLATTERING]

DJ: Is someone there? Kevin? Kevin!

KEVIN:
[MUFFLED VOICE] I'm right beside you.

Restroom, per favore.

[MUFFLED VOICES]

Now, the Golgi complex
prepares proteins that...

Zita, are you writing this down?

ZITA: [VOICE] Reading is fundamental,
miss Jen.

Not writing.

Excuse me?

I'm here to buy a phone
from someone named Jen.

Uh, that's me! That's me! Um, thank you.

I got it from here.
Now, before we talk price,

I ask that you look at this transaction

not merely as a phone purchase
but as a chance to invest

in an Olympian's future for,

say, anywhere between $300 and $10,000?

What are you going to the Olympics for?

- Javelin.
- I'll give you $75.

Done.

Much as I love seeing you unlatch

from the algorithm's teat,

maybe you wouldn't have to
sell your personal belongings

if you gave mani-festing a sh*t.

Pagan rituals aren't getting
me to the Olympics, Chris.

What I need to do is sell
something more valuable.

Like, uh...

- Don't say it.
- My kidney.

It's too late to recover
from surgery but maybe I can

get an advance if I pre-book one now.

Hah-hah-hah!

The board wants to discuss some
"disappointing feedback"

- on our new product.
- I'm too jetlagged for this!

[BLOWING INTO COFFEE]

Is she on her phone during company hours

and in violation of uniform policy?

WAYNE: Yeah, yeah.

Uh, Cynthia, we talked about this.

No phones on the floor, right?

Oh. Sorry, boss.
Workin' on my podcast, so...

Openly working on personal
projects while on the clock?

Now, that's... that's way out of line!

Well, it's just a podcast.

I can't think of anything more
pathetic to waste work hours on.

Hundo P. You need to fire her, stat.

Cancel.

- Fire her!
- Yeah, yeah...

Well, you, uh... [CLEARS THROAT]

Okay, that's it, you're fired.

Get your things and exit
the premises immediately.

[QUIETLY] I will owe you big time.

[QUIETLY] You have nothing to offer me.

[QUIETLY] I keep a bunch of
Mars bars in the toilet t*nk.

You can have one. It's all yours.

[QUIETLY] You're gonna crash and burn...

- [QUIETLY] I...
- [QUIETLY] But...

Okay, Mr. Manager.

[CRYING]

I'm fired! Ahh!

WILL: [LAUGHS]

That was awesome!

[WATER RUNNING]

[EXHALES]

You got this, Deej.

No big deal.
You just gotta... hear better!

You're screwed.

[ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING IN WASHROOM]

[LINE TRILLING]

NAT: [PHONE] [SIGHS] Yeah?

- Hey.
- NAT: What?

I need a favour.

[DOOR CREAKS OPENS]

NAT: [GIGGLES] Nice outfit,
Hillary Clinton!

- You look so stupid! [LAUGHS]
- Thanks...

What are you doing here?
You suck in the dark.

It's not even just dark in there,
it's a...

I know, it's darker than my bush

on day three of Burning Man.
Trust me, it's like...

- Ah, Jesus, come on!
- What?!

Did you bring the night vision goggles?

Oh my God, DJ, are you stupid?

Night vision goggles require
small amounts of light to work.

- Seriously?
- Mm-hm.

Dammit.

What you need are
thermal imaging goggles.

Don't suppose you have
a pair of those handy.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[QUIETLY] Of course I do.

How else am I gonna tell the
living from the living dead

when the fungi take over?

- Thanks for being you, Nat.
- Of course.

Oh, and DJ, one more thing.

Be careful in there.

You have no idea what people
really do in the shadows.

Civility...

dies in the darkness.

[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]

Okay, have fun! Bye-eee!

[MUFFLED VOICES]

DJ: Hey. Thanks, Kevin.

Hey, Vicky, sorry it took so long.

There was a line.

VICKY: That's okay. [MUFFLED VOICE]

DJ: I gotta get settled in and...

[CLICKING NOISE]

Everything okay?

DJ: Much better now.

Like I'm seeing you through fresh eyes.

Pfft!

[LAUGHS]

DJ: I know, I'm hilarious.

Yeah!

If the mitochondria is the
powerhouse of the cell...

Mm-hm... Oh, get this.

Couldn't get an advance on my kidney,

but I did find someone on the dark web

willing to dole out cash
now for half a liver later.

ZITA: Does that mean that the cell
is in the house of the mitochondria?

- Uh, well, the...
- WOMAN: Hey! You sold me a bum phone!

- It won't charge!
- Oh, no, no, it charges.

- You just gotta jimmy the cord!
- ZITA: Miss Jen?

- Uh, yeah, it just...
- You're not actually

- gonna sell your liver, are you?
- No, I said half.

ZITA: If they belong to the same house,

does that mean the cell is mother?

Uh, well, that's actually a
really good question and...

- [PHONE CRACKS]
- Ooh...

ZITA: Hello?

Damn.

Any chance you'd like
to turn this transaction

into a donation?

Yeah...

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

Very sorry about that.

ZITA'S MOM: Are you working
while tutoring my daughter?

No, no, no! I-I mean, yes,

but I've got it all under control,
so please...

[SIGHS]

WOMAN: I took the bus here.

Could I also get reimbursed for the $6?

Yeah.

Cold-blooded.

- One, two, three...
- [COINS CLINKING]

And this is pretty much
where all the money's made.

You can do a transaction south,
you can do one north,

so it's essentially a


[OMINOUS MUSIC]

♪

Uh, actually, uh, company property.

Thank you, Cynthia.

MAN: Hey! I need a manager!

Now!

- Right over here, dude.
- Right here.

Oh, yeah, I'm in charge.
Uh, how can I help you?

I remember you!

Your precious break was more
important than making sure

that your inventory was safe!

Because of you, I almost d*ed!

Okay. Well, uh... what happened?

Oh, what happened?!

The underside of the cleat that
I bought here came right off

while I was playing soccer...
and I faceplanted!

That's what happened!

That was a baseball cleat, but, uh...

Don't you dare!

I would be happy to
offer you an exchange

for an item of equal value.

Yeah, so I could have
another one of your twisted

little death traps?
You'd like that, wouldn't ya?!

Well, alternatively, uh,
we could offer you a full refund.

A full refund?

Do you see my nose?!

Now, look, you're the g*dd*mn manager!

What are you gonna do about this?!

CYNTHIA: Hmm!

I don't know. Okay?

I don't know!

I'm not cut out for this! I don't care.

I'm not even the manager, alright?

She is.

MAN: What?

- [CARTILAGE CRACKS]
- [CRYING IN PAIN]

Situation managed.

MAN: Dammit!

Oh, wow...

Thanks.

I was gonna do that.

DJ: You're so cute when you chew.

Aww!

Wait, how do you know I'm chewing?

Uh, I can hear it. You were right.

My other senses are totally
heightened in the dark.

Anywho, shall we order dessert?

I'll summon Kevin.

Oh, Kev... huh?

WOMAN: It's really good, isn't it?

DJ: Oh... my! What's he... oh, no!

[MAN MOANING]

DJ: Uh, actually, let's skip dessert.

But... but I wanna try the cannolis!

And besides,
I'm having the best time with you.

DJ: Oh, yeah, me too.

Maybe don't come in so...

[BANG]

What? Are you...

Are you wearing night vision goggles?

DJ: What? No!

They're thermal imaging goggles.

- Thermal imaging goggles?!
- Shh!

Who's wearing thermal imaging goggles?!

DJ: No one!

Someone's wearing
thermal imaging goggles?

WOMAN: Get him!

DJ: Oh... oh, geez! Oh, no.

["MON DIEU" BY MILVA PLAYING]

DJ: Watch out!

[PASTA SPLATS]

DJ: Oh, God!

[LOUD FART]

[PATRONS SCREAMING]

DJ: Aah!

Oh...

[PATRON WAILING]

[CUTLERY AND PLATES CRASHING]

[MAN MOANING]

DJ: Oh, dear God! Oh, God! Oh, geez!

♪

DJ: We gotta go. Let's go. Let's go!

Come on, let's go! Go, go, go.

They're gone!

I felt bad pinning it on the farter,

but he seemed like
a fast runner, though.

I mean, it was probably the turbo boost

- from all the farts, right?
- You are unbelievable!

I was trying to hear!

I can't be with someone
who is so disrespectful

towards the blind community!

KEVIN: Will that be debit or credit?

Kevin, I must apologize for
my date's behaviour in there.

All in a night's work, signora.

Oh, might I say how much
I admire your courage

in the face of such intolerance?

And I'm not just saying
that because you're blind.

In fact, I don't see disability.

What a coincidence...

I don't see.

Oh, this might be forward, but...

Would you like to grab a drink tonight?

Vicky! I'm standing right here!

KEVIN:
I actually just finished my shift.

- Call it... destino.
- VICKY: Oh-ho-ho!

I hope you learned something from this!

- I didn't!
- Goodbye, DJ!

- [LOUD THUD]
- Ahh!

DJ: Oh!

KEVIN: Ahh... Am I bleeding?

VICKY: Ha-ha, you're hilarious!

- KEVIN: Thank you.
- Vicky!

It's our three-week-aversary!

[CRUNCHING]

WINSTON: Knock-knock.

Come to tell me what a failure I am?

Pfft, we don't think
you're a failure, Wayne.

No way.

In fact, we envy you.

Envy me? What for?

You think we enjoy managing

a multi-million-dollar corporation?

I never sleep more than


I answer 750 emails a day.

My kids call the door dash guy "daddy."

Constant stress has left me impotent.

Dude, we can't even stop for a minute.

But you, you don't even start!

You're living the dream, brother.

That's true.

So you'd rather be me than you?

Well, uh...

I wouldn't go that far.

Can't go back to flying commercial.

- No.
- Know what I mean?

Of course not, yeah.

Speaking of which,
our PJ's been circling

the 'mac for an hour.

Oh, cool. You got an empty seat or...?

Hey. We love you, little bro.

- We love you.
- Really?

I love you, buddy. Come here.

Come here.

♪

WINSTON: That's what I'm talking about.

WAYNE: Yeah.
You know, sometimes you forget.

- Ow...
- WILL: I love you so much.

KEERAN: Mmm! You even smell rich!

[LAUGHS]

You were right.

Took too much on.

Who knew being an athletic
phenom would bankrupt me?

You could still try and manifest...

Enough with the manifesting!

Money won't just magically
land on my lap by yelling,

"Hey, universe!

"I need some cash to fulfil
my dreams of becoming

a champion javelina!"

[SIGHS]

Did someone say javelina?

JEN: Oh, yeah, I did.

I'm, uh, goin' to the Olympics
to throw the mighty spear. Heh.

- Oh!
- Or, at least, I was.

Don't have the funds.

Huh.

Well, this is serendipitous.

- Very.
- We own a wellness company,

and focus groups indicate
that we need to attract

a larger female demo for our
new botanical energy tonic.

How would you feel about
allowing us to sponsor you?

I would feel incredible about that!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Holy sh*t, it worked!
Manifesting actually worked!

- WILL: Welcome to the team.
- Ha, thank you, thank you. [CHUCKLES]

"Man Drink"?

WINSTON: Yeah,
we initially called it "Bro Juice,"

but the board thought
it sounded too, uh...

- Jizzy.
- Yeah. That.

Sure.

DJ: And the worst part was

I didn't even get to have dessert.

That's the worst part, Sonny Corleone?

They had cannolis!

You know, if I'm being honest,

a part of me is gonna
miss feeling normal.

Ah, normal's overrated.

Look at me: I can't smell a thing,

and I'm obsessed with
flat pieces of hard sugar.

Us weirdos need to stick together.

And for what it's worth,

you're not just the guy
with hearing aids to me.

Thanks, Gwen.

You're also the guy who apparently owns

- an all-white suit...
- It's a rental.

- Who has a Shania lip tattoo...
- No regrets.

And who's in an emotional relationship

- with a skate sharpener.
- Hey!

- It's physical, too.
- Oh, she's a lucky gal.

[R&B PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]

DJ: Your best yet. Hands down.

GWEN: Thank you!

Okay, so tell me about the masturbator.

Oh. I'm glad you asked.

Hey. It's me, Jen Hauser,
here with my trusty sidekick,

Britney Spear.

As a proud member of the
Canadian women's Olympic

track and field team,
I can't wait to join

my sisters-in-arms from
countries around the world

to demonstrate a skill
first inspired by Athena,

the javelin-throwing goddess of w*r,

the OG bad-ass symbol
of female empowerment!

And none of this would
be possible without...

Man Drink!

The energy tonic of champions!

Mmm!

Give fatigue the shaft.

[CHUCKLES UNCOMFORTABLY]

♪

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