05x13 - Protecting the Ego-System

[bunniefuu]

you know what

so great about a country club coat room

big fluffy cups

and you get to hang up your pants which

you like you believe how that teensy

manhatta went

on about her son becoming a judge for

heaven's sakes it's traffic caught

that doesn't look like the coat check

girl's here edward are you listening to

me

oh yes the ballet was rude the duck was

cold and

damn that teensy man house

there you are kitty oh teensy darling

did i congratulate you on your son's

appointment oh

oh thank you i'll extend your best

wishes to his honor

and congratulations to you women's club

humanitarian of the year

oh not until saturday anyone here

i'm glad i caught you i have the most

wonderful news

monday we're having the groundbreaking

ceremony for the little greek theater

i'm building for our drama guild

oh well bravo

monday is it yes i hope you can count my

son is going to preside

oh well he should keep them from

speeding through the ceremony

kitty good one tata

break your leg

she's only holding that groundbreaking

ceremony on monday to

steal the thunder from my event on

saturday edward get the coats find the

children i want to leave now

i'll have to get them myself

[Laughter]

[Applause]

i had a hatch

[Music]

edward watch your speed last thing i

need is for you to be hauled up in front

of the honorable

skippy manhattan you know kitty it could

just be a coincidence that teensy is

having her dealie the same week as your

dealie

how do you know about her dearly

just talk people talk craig and i were

in the coat room having sex

that that would have been where we heard

it this is our country club

have you two no sense of decorum greg

kept his tie on

any event i have no intention of

attending teensy's

ceremony yo kitty you really should go

it's a nice

thing she's building a theater oh yeah

so self-indulgent rich women can put on

bad productions of media they should do

pippin

i've never seen a bad production of

pippin

kitty be the bigger person here huh

oh i don't know it's way out of town

it's a terrible drive

and edward will make some excuse to get

out of it no of course i wouldn't i'd

love to go

i mean if it was any other day but

monday you did say monday right

all right fine greg and i will go with

you won't we honey sure absolutely

wait this monday all right fine i'll go

with you

it could be one of our mother and

daughter-in-law outings

we don't have those we do now

and then next tuesday night you'll go

with me to interpretive dance tonight at

the gay and lesbian senior center

that would be nice good great

oh wait oh i'm sorry dear did you say

tuesday

okay i did not see that one coming

and while granted all the world's a

stage this little corner of it will also

feature comfortable

outdoor seating for 375

and so i say good luck to thee

and may i abide in this land if i may

quote from

and simultaneously audition for medea

she's building her theater here yes i

know it's it's 15 miles from the nearest

decent restaurant

kitty this is bishop's meadow when i was

a

it is a wetland it's a very specific and

irreplaceable ecosystem

oh yeah probably one of the few places

in america that still has

muck as

please promise me you won't do anything

to embarrass me kitty relax

and in the presence of this company and

his honor

judge porter manhart iii i

hereby break ground

[Applause]

thank you for your discretion dear

all right people settle in oh and if you

see bulldozers lie

down we're so proud of you pumpkin for

putting a stop to this

doesn't it feel good to be out there

again protesting as a family

oh he's the best hey hey honey

this is a surprise well i'm in the

neighborhood

why well i heard that my wife went crazy

and threw herself in the path of a rich

lady with a shovel

that is their story what's your story

same one but without the word crazy

now for what it's worth dharma i support

you and if it'll help

i'll chain myself to her she's gay

i'm not prejudiced honey

i know that these issues are very

important to you and i support you but

you've really upset

mrs manhart and she's taking it out on

my mother and there's talk of boycotting

my mother's humanitarian of the year

dinner and if that happens our lives as

we know them will be over

wait so you're saying that it's okay for

me to protest

the destruction of the environment as

long as it doesn't upset your mother

oh i thought i'd dress it up a little so

you didn't notice but yeah that's the

nuts and bolts of it

honey i am not going to give this up

okay how about this how about we make a

deal that each of us gets one

sh*t during our marriage to veto

something that the other person is doing

no okay that's yours mine has stopped

this

i was just saying we both love the

environment we both love women

my parents didn't have that much in

common

i only have a few minutes let's have sex

in the shower

we have we have company

okay well in that case i was just gonna

take a shower to get clean so

come on greg and clean me up

i brought mrs manhart by in the hopes

that we can resolve the disagreement

about the location of her proposed

theater

oh great did you find a new location i

don't need to find a new location i own

that land you're squatting on teensy

teensy

dahmer mrs manhart is a very generous

donor to

several environmental organizations such

as the um

well the list is just too long anyway

she is willing to make a sizable

contribution to the cause of your choice

if you will simply pack up your tents

and perhaps find yourself

a uh a nice oil spill or something

i'm prepared to write you a check for 30

000

is she trying to bribe me

is it working no and frankly mrs manhart

i'm insulted

dahmer you should be flattered that's

more than a senator goes for

kitty this has been a very pleasant

waste of time

i'm sorry i thought she would be

reasonable based on what mother

whoa don't mind us we're just here for a

strategy session

dharma you leave me no choice but have

you and your friends arrested

oh my god that's great

and you said it would take a week

mrs manhart are you sure you want to do

this what do you mean cause i'm sensing

you've just played into the riddler's

scheme

if they think they can generate

publicity with this they're sadly

mistaken nobody cares about a handful of

rabble rousers

yeah well we're not just a handful of

rabble rousers

sorry i was just plugging in the car

[Applause]

[Music]

everybody this is actor slash

environmentalist ed begley jr

ed begley jr this is our enemy

how do you do nice to meet you

i enjoyed you on st elsewhere oh thanks

we had a lot of fun doing that hey

guess what teensy's gonna have us

arrested fantastic

if you think you can get that going

quickly we can make the 11 o'clock news

okay well i think that's the ball game

kitty you said we could win this well

how on earth is one to anticipate ed

begley jr

ed i can't thank you enough we've never

had anybody back down this fast

it's a celebrity factor it's not fair

but it works

so uh what are your plans i'll charge a

car head back home and take it easy

i cleared a week for this thing whoa

wait hold on

there's a lot more stuff going on up

here that we could really use you for

all right let's go back to your place

sort some recyclables

and make a plan clearly larry what are

you doing we don't have anything else to

protest

we'll find something that's ed begley jr

he's rechargeable lightning in a bottle

okay it's not that i want to gloat or

anything but what did mrs manhart say

she agreed to find a conservancy group

to buy the land from her

oh wow that's great but it's kind of

hard to gloat when she's being so nice

well she also said she hopes a circus

train derails nearby and a lion eats

every last bit of wildlife in the area

look at me greg i'm gloating so i see

you know what she'll get over this all

she lost was a theater the animals are

happy the environment is happy

ed begley jr is happy and you know what

deep down i bet your mom is thrilled

that teensy doesn't have a theater with

her name limit oh yeah

i mean if you think about it this whole

thing couldn't have worked out better

for kitty if she had planned it

i suppose but she didn't hang on no

let's just go over the facts oh let's

not no

she knew that if she brought me out here

i would wreck teensy's thing that's why

she got me here in the first place

i don't know then she brings teensy over

to bribe me which made her look all

innocent in teensy's eyes but she knew

that was just gonna climb up my butt and

sing rock on

i i don't think she knew that

greg would you just admit that your

mother is sneaky and conniving enough to

have done something like this

well of course but that doesn't prove

anything she used me

dharma please don't confront my mom no

i'm sorry greg there's a little man at

my butt singing rock on and your mother

is gonna hear it

i just never thought that you would

stoop so low kitty well i'm not going to

be a pawn in your game i'm not going to

be a puppet on your string and i'm not

going to

be your beast of burden

oh dharma what brings you here edward

your daughter-in-law is accusing me of

engineering a

absolutely machiavellian conspiracy

all right i'm going to go make myself a

sandwich

don't try to deny it kitty i got you on

this one you must think i am just a

horrible monster well

yes and devious

very devious

well all right all right i thank you for

your insights and if you will forgive me

i have some things to take care of

wait wait that's it aren't you supposed

to

deny it and then i go over the evidence

again and i say ah

and then you say drat and i say well

played and you say good show

and then we go have tea or play cricket

or something

look i know that we started our

relationship at a great distance from

each other but i have truly

i had truly come to believe that we were

becoming friends apparently i was very

much mistaken you know we are friends

kitty we're just the kind of friends

where one of them used one of them and

all right you know you could be a very

hurtful young lady

i'll be right back

larry why did you send ed begley jr out

for directions we know where we're going

abby we got a problem

you know that pesticide plant we're

gonna go pick it yes

i may have made that up

why hey i called around all morning

trying to find something to protest

but it's san francisco that pretty much

protested out

then larry why didn't you just tell him

the truth and let him go

home abby you don't just let ed begley

jr go home

why not because that's a waste of that

begley jr

guess what turns out the freeway is just

one block up ahead

oh yeah sure the green sign all right

let's go shut down a pesticide plant

or something else just as bad

[Music]

hi hi honey are we uh

running for student council

doing this for your mom's humanitarian

of the year thinking tonight so she'll

like me again

dharma i know my mother i'm sure she's

not really that upset oh

greg i was there i made her cry tears

yes huh

so anyway this morning i brought her a

big i'm sorry balloon bouquet

yeah how'd that go over if you look out

the window you might still be able to

see them

so what's the banner all about okay so

you know how kitty always says they have

these humanitarian dinners every year

but nobody ever remembers them

well they're gonna remember this one

dharma yeah what did you do

the mayor is coming mr willie brown the

mayor of san francisco is coming

plus the editor of the society page and

two other willie browns that i called

before i had the right number

honey you made a mistake you said

something to mother that upset her

she'll get over it you don't have to do

this

i do honey i hurt her and willie brown

and a banner are gonna fix it three

willie browns and a banner greg

how far is it to this pesticide plant

just a ways ahead we'll probably see a

line of picketers any minute

you know we can't just keep driving him

around at some point this becomes

kidnapping

bingo pickett is right over there where

over there that looks like a bunch of

high school kids having a car wash

yeah okay i could see how you could go

there

look i know what's going on you don't

have anything to protest

and you've been driving me around for a

couple of hours like some prisoner

hoping that something's gonna fall into

your lap

we're sorry ed begley jr

it's okay it happens

let's go back and see if those punks are

using biodegradable soap

you've got the mayor half a dozen

photographers and 200 people out there

how did you do this

well your mom's very popular

and everyone loves a chance to win a big

screen tv

i know i do good cause you're the winner

mr wilkins right

okay just gotta fix this thing and then

we're good to go and your mom's gonna

love me again

yeah just like the good old days just

let them in

[Music]

ah teensy you stick with me i'm going to

see you right next to the mayor

this certainly is the star-studded

evening well

i'm sure you'd have the same sort of

turnout should you ever be

similarly honored

perhaps you'd like to have your picture

taken in front of the banner

hey everybody don't look at me this is

kitty's night

so i put out a few feelers and it turns

out there is someone who's willing to

put up the money to buy bishop's meadow

and turn it into a sanctuary

oh honey that's wonderful that's great

news pumpkin

isn't it so you're all invited wednesday

to the opening ceremony of the kitty

montgomery wetland preserve so i'll see

you there

derma kitty is donating the land

all right look i ticked the kitty off

good and i tried to make it better but

instead i turned her into

the laughing stock of snooty town and

now she's making edward's life miserable

too

so we get edward to put up the money

named the preserve after kitty

everyone thinks she's this great

environmentalist she's blown away oh

dharma oh

kitty and bing bing boom bop doop za

okay

donna we're not gonna let this wildlife

preserve be bought with dirty corporate

money

honey and on a human level we can't

participate in your attempt to purchase

kitty's love

hang on can i say something here

i agree that dharma's attempt to fix

things with her mother-in-law this way

is pathetic and desperate

but do the squirrels care do the birds

care

does the salamander turn to his mate and

say i feel guilty being alive because

dharma montgomery

bought my safety with her weak and

misguided act

i don't think so do you you're right ed

begley jr

all right dharma we'll be there

wednesday

oh ed will you be around wednesday

wednesday absolutely

wait this wednesday

it is my great honor to present to the

world the culmination of a project that

i have long supported

the kitty montgomery wetlands

preserve

well you did it she looks pretty happy

yep and she's got her name on teensy

swamp

worked out perfectly for her

she got me again didn't she no oh she

got no she

didn't i just said this worked out

perfectly for no i didn't i

sneezed oh

i would also like to add that none of

this would have been possible

without someone

who sees me as i truly am

my daughter-in-law dahmer please

i can't believe this tarma let it let it

go let's move on

are you comforting me or holding me back

little of both

suffice it to say this is not about me

this is about the little

creatures and

things that live here

good luck to you all

glad i could help