05x16 - I Think, Therefore I Am in Trouble

[bunniefuu]

uh janet what is the rest of my day like

you have a staff meeting in five minutes

at noon you're briefing your father on

the unesco merger

and your wife is here go right here

everything's waiting for you

god you guys are the best elevator music

you wouldn't say that if you were stuck

between floors listening to build me a

buttercup

that's what brings you by i brought you

a little something for your new desk

well isn't that nice of you happy two

days before our four and a half

year anniversary we're still doing the

half years honey this is our ninth half

year anniversary it's a big one i know

check out this feature well look at that

the dress comes right off

hey dharma what you got uh nothing i'll

put it on your desk thank you

oh have you seen our new director

overseas legal affairs yeah she just uh

transferred in from the munich office

or the island of women so beautiful they

make you weep

who are we talking about just a new

lawyer who's just transferred here from

she's coming

oh you look nice today thank you um

gretchen this is my wife dharma hi nice

to meet you

greg's been wonderful he's really got

out of his way to make me feel at home

no i haven't i haven't gone out of my

way at all

gretchen would you like to wait at my

office and i'll uh be right there

i'm pete

i suck she's pretty cute

she's a lawyer she's a cute lawyer it

could happen

look at you

the rest of the staff will be here in a

minute for the uh

staff meeting

your wife is very lovely thank you i did

not know you were married

yup the uh big 4.5 coming up

good one's always taken

where's that staff

oh

guys hi not quite the big welcome back

party i was hoping for after being gone

for five months

but you got me a cake right

balloons dharma sweetheart we have

some bad news uh abby i'm the manager of

the co-op it's my responsibility to tell

her

what's going on oh for the love of god

you don't have to sh**t the messenger

dharma do you remember the guy who took

over your yoga classes when you were

recuperating from your accident

lolita sure well it turns out he's very

popular

and uh he's gonna be staying on and

a lot of your students are gonna stay

with him

how many is a lot every last thinking

one of them

welcome back i don't think so larry

so it has nothing to do with yoga no it

is my understanding that the name of the

cartoon bear

comes from a baseball player named yogi

berra

ah boo-boo however is derived from

buddha really

now of course i'm yanking your chain

well ed i'm glad you're here this is our

daughter dharma

oh nice to meet you

it's really great that you decided to

stay on oh yes i was wanting to go

but your students are working so hard at

keeping me staying here

yesterday all of a sudden they threw me

a big party with cake and balloons

let's have a response to the ftc on the

konesco merger ready to go next week

very good work people

you really know how to handle your stuff

thank you you know what you want

and you're not afraid to ask for it i

don't know what i want

by the way uh the question of whether or

not we're creating a shipping monopoly

is an icc issue

not an ftc issue i i don't think so

oh are you willing to back that up i bet

you drink on it

uh mr montgomery your wife is on the

line

[Laughter]

bye-bye i mean hello

elite guy wrote a book about yoga big

deal you wrote five books

how do you write five books about yoga

horror about yoga one is a romantic

thriller said in the world of yoga

you know what let's forget about work

and let's talk about what we want to do

for our big anniversary

you want to go to a bnb or maybe just uh

stay home and

have a romantic dinner he sells yoga

bras on his website

i bought one they're good

i'm sorry i'm obsessing and you're

trying to sex me up

are you okay yeah

you know what it's not lily's fault he's

a good yoga teacher he's talented of

course people would want to take his

class

but he's a great guy maybe i should

get to know him or maybe take one of his

classes

right right absolutely

you're not listening to me are you of

course i'm listening to you i've just

i got a lot of things on my mind

hey let's go to the bedroom and start

our anniversary a little early

honey that's not gonna make my problem

go away he's not gonna make

your problem go away either really great

let's talk about yoga

no not yoga this isn't about yoga you're

right

this is about my ego

you know this might be about your ego i

just said that and i'm agreeing with you

so a teacher who wishes to continue

learning this is very admittable i

thought so

i will put you on the waiting list for

my beginners class

well you know i've been teaching yoga

for nine years

oh don't worry i'm sure you haven't done

anybody any serious harm

all right look this was my class first

and i am really being the big person

here

yes that is exactly the problem

that's it i will tell you a little story

you see i too was once a young yoga

student

filled with pride interesting this is

how a yoga teacher see it

anyway i was studying in india

with a wonderful teacher she was the

most amazing woman i've ever met

she would even take me to her own home

to tutor me

privately one night she said i must rid

myself of all pretense so

then we sat unclothed gazing into each

other's eyes

for hours finally

i understood what she wanted she wanted

me to go

and not return until i was humbled

i'm not so sure that was it yes it was

the late a woman takes you back to her

house and takes all her clothes off

you don't think she was hitting on me do

you

want to laugh at your jokes i

am such a yet

[Applause]

it's probably not too late i had such

feelings for her

do you think i should go back and tell

her well

20 years ago she took her clothes off my

guess

is it's your move

well you got me excuse me

i'll bet icc or ftc

well you were right it was the fbc

uh uh uh gretchen i i

really don't think we should be drinking

champagne in the office it's not

technically champagne

it's from california no i know it's just

that i think that my concern would

extend to all international sparkling

wines

greg i'm not someone who welches on the

bet

um here

you do that and i'll just get you a

towel no don't worry dory

i have an extra blouse in my bag you do

yes

i'm such a klutz it's usually a massive

vinaigrette yeah i know i've got a whole

dwarf

uh you're gonna i'll just ah

son slade what are you working on oh

nothing at work

almost done

that's gretchen she's just uh buttoning

up a few details yeah she's terrific

isn't she

are are you sure that they don't need

her back in the munich office oh maybe

but we're keeping her here

she's smart aggressive knows what she

wants and she goes after like a dog

after a bone

aren't there some things that she could

be going after in the munich office uh

bone wise

oh i have missed you so much hello are

you okay

fine fine you're

good kiss her too bad you had to leave

the office before i could find out for

myself

oh why don't i open us a bottle of wine

any special reason no just the

excitement of

being married to the most wonderful

woman in the world thanks

oh yes the most wonderful woman in the

world who convinced a man to go back to

india just because she couldn't stand a

little competition

we're all out of wine what line

the wine i just went again oh yeah that

sounds good

i'll check again

you know we've got all night for romance

do you want to watch some tv

great idea

this is nice just the two of us

that was a wonderful thing you did for a

little league dharma encouraging to go

back to india

and find his true love oh i didn't

really

do that much honey you put him on the

road to real happiness

oh you put me on the road all right and

don't you come back no more no more

here's your money from your classes it's

a lot if you're walking home i'll lend

you my stun g*n

whoa

[Music]

i bring him in you take the money so

wait

you know marcy put this in our feed the

homeless fund

that is so generous all right i gotta go

you're giving away my money and trying

to get rid of your guilt my derisive

laughter fills your head

all right see you guys later thank you

dharma

you can't walk away from me i'm in your

hand

guten tag mine friend he gets is there a

particular reason we're speaking german

just brushing up it's a language of love

you know this wouldn't have anything to

do with gretchen our german colleague

oh that's right gretchen's german

pete i don't think it's appropriate for

co-workers to date

they should just have secret steamy

att*cks

i don't want to date her i want to live

with her in the alps and bear her kinder

oh i'm sorry am i interrupting whoa

oh no no come on

here's a summary of european sex issues

you wanted thank you

what no kiss see you later

don't forget us blow your drink uh

gretchen i i think we should uh

keep things professional greg i think

you misunderstood in europe colleagues

staying together all the time

sure i i didn't mean to imply um i'm

sorry

you are very sweet

sweet like candy

hi this is uh mr montgomery i was just

in a few minutes ago and i

saw a half carat pair of diamond

earrings for my wife

yeah yes i was wondering if i could move

up to a full carrot

and a bracelet and some flowers oh

a bunch of flowers oh that's true that

would be a different number wouldn't it

thank you

maybe we need to buy our car

where's gretchen she's gone

what's that nothing let me see no

go away

i brought aphrodisiac lavender candles

this is wiccan passion massage oil

i couldn't find you any mandrake root

love elixir

but the fellow at the herbal shop

recommended this

it's a nice merlot thanks dermis there's

something wrong you and greg don't

usually need the

carnal jumper cables no i've just been

so distracted lately i can't seem to get

in the mood distracted by what

i can't get lalit shadori out of my head

oh

well i would think that would help he's

a very attractive man

i feel awful abby i

kinda mighta convinced

lalit to go back to india just because i

wanted him out of the way

oh dharma even if that's what you did at

worst it means that you made a mistake

you're human darling forgive yourself

let it go just let it go

let it go

oh thank you all right for that i got

you this it's got

chervil mugwort hibiscus root and

chinese sage oil and greg is gonna love

it cool

what's it do brings an ordinary salad to

life

wow honey

these are hugundus ginormous

diamonds i'm a sure thing you didn't

have to do this

what are you talking about it's our four

and a half year anniversary

this is too much why did you do this

because i'm wrecked with guilt

because i love you and

and you're just the most perfect woman

in the world

oh yes she's just perfect

not perfect honey i am just an ordinary

human being who makes mistakes

[Music]

gregory i want to talk to you about

planning a very important benefit

at the country club nice move

thinking about mom to try to chase the

babe out of our head it's an

important outfit it's a bloody bloody

block for the bloody bloody block

darmy remember what i said forgive

yourself for being a bad bad

unforgivable person oh your mommy's not

going to help you now

is she this wine is really

good huh yeah it's really full-bodied

with great legs and

splendid ass red

i don't know why gray couldn't have

found a smart successful

beautiful full body

wrong nothing

i'm ty cobb at 367 i have the highest

lifetime major league batting average

and i held a record of 4191 hits for 57

years

i like your pants

honey i'm gonna go lie down i don't feel

very well me too

wait wait wait wait don't go forgive

yourself don't even taste the salad

dressing what you gonna say tomorrow

when i ask her

what exactly are you doing here i'm not

sure i usually don't show up until it's

time to delay orgasm

i don't remember much of what happened

last night

but the boy who removes the sword from

my

head shall be king

i mean i'm sorry that i ruined our

anniversary it wasn't your fault

yes it was

do you remember uh gretchen from the

office sure the hot one

did something happen no no no nothing

happened

i just i've been having all these weird

thoughts about her like sexual fantasies

yeah oh

okay that's why the diamond

are you mad no honey

it's perfectly normal for you to have

sexual fantasies about beautiful women

but if it makes you feel better to buy

me expensive gifts i'm not gonna argue

of course she's fine with it

you keep forgetting you're married to a

very special woman

you're a very special woman do you think

she's

special enough to go for a threesome

i'm gonna go make some coffee

i like coffee when it's strong and hot

that's right you're a very special woman