05x19 - This Diamond Ring

[bunniefuu]

okay i got a bunch i got games to play

with your lover in bed

a thousand and one erotic knights and

keep your pants on a beginner's guide to

tantric sex

what i made that one up don't tell me

you know there's probably an even better

selection of books

like this online honey we are married

adults we have sex

nothing to be embarrassed about come on

okay

you're buying the collector's guide to

model railroads and cooking for one are

you seeing connection here casey jones

just trying to help

[Laughter]

marlene when did you start working here

hmm shortly after your husband

canned me and my life spiraled down into

minimum wage hell

very interesting selection just casual

reading

or a cry for help

scan news flash you're not the boss of

me anymore

dylan is

that'll be 63-21

you carry loose checks in your purse how

do you keep track

if it's over a hundred dollars i write

it down on my hand

oh my god i hope that's a phone number

i'm gonna need to see your driver's

license don't look at the photo i was

eating a jawbreaker

you know this has expired therma how

could you let your license expire

it's not something you do greg it just

happens

well it's just it's just a little

irresponsible

you know a sweet talk like that no

wonder you need the books here you go

let me know how they work out we will no

we won't

my prayers are with you

[Music]

[Applause]

pretend roadways are most slippery

dharma

true it's multiple choice okay then b

teeth or no teeth

it's a driver's license i know and i've

never taken a good one

you know most people study for their dmv

test most people balance their

checkbooks most people carry

their checkbooks it's a small purse

where else am i supposed to put my

harmonica

just don't know how you're going to pass

[Applause]

we're ready to take the test ah see

he thinks i'm ready

um excuse me i have a question just a

minute

may i help you yes um question seven on

the sample test about posted speed

limits doesn't take into account the

california basic speed law

sir this is renewals meaningless piddly

crap is line four

this isn't piddly crap by suggesting

that that's the right answer

you're encouraging people to act in a

way which may pose a danger to others on

the highway

you're right i'm sorry starting tomorrow

we'll institute a recall of every

driver's license that's ever been issued

in the state of california

and you'll be receiving a special little

[Music]

badge

run did you check your answers that's

what this guy's doing

you passed yes i didn't even study

you'll be receiving your permanent

license

in the mail what are you doing with that

okay keep it in a safe place i'm gonna

put it in my harmonica case

oh my god what's wrong

i just remembered that larry wanted to

put the van up on blocks does he need a

special form for that

of course form 535 non-operation of a

motor vehicle

great could you go get me one uh

sure okay excuse me was i wearing a

diamond ring when i came in here

let me check my diary i usually write

that kind of thing down

oh when you're masking pain with sarcasm

i'm sorry i don't have time to help

excuse me did you see a ring over here

it was a diamond it's kind of heirloomie

looking because

it is an heirloom

which i didn't know when i got it and if

i lose it now it's gonna make me look

really irresponsible to some people like

this guy

hey what's going on i'm just talking

fashion with this guy

it's a really cool hat i have one like

it but you it's so much better

hi hi hi where's janet

i don't know i'm a temp okay

well i'm greg's wife permanent

and i need you to do something for me

that might seem a little weird

well i don't think i should i'm a temp

it's no big deal it's just um i i lost

my engagement ring and i've been

freaking out about it all day long but

i'm pretty sure i know where it is now

greg and i kind of got busy in his

office last night it's got to be in

there

okay okay so i just need you to make up

some kind of bogus meeting to get him

out of there so that i can go in there

and look in the couch and on the desk

and in the corner behind the plant

they said it would just be phones and

light filing

great uh so as soon as that's done we'll

set up a teleconference with their cfo

okay and i'll drop a revised proposal

terrific hi

hey listen gretchen uh if you wanted to

work on that proposal together maybe we

could do it over at my place

over some drinks i don't think so pete

i'm getting somewhere she didn't call me

phil

you know pete i think drinks at your

place is a little much why don't you

just ask her to have coffee with you

how is that gonna impair her judgment

enough to sleep with me

hey so did you uh come by just to say hi

no i came by to see if you wanted to get

a cup of coffee

but it turns out that you have a very

important meeting to go to

they need you on the 8th floor right

away i'll just wait in your office

um we don't have offices on the eighth

floor

i think it's a travel agency or a

dentist office

yes they said you know what it's about

who did the travel agent

and the dentist

[Applause]

i don't think i have a meeting uh do you

want to go get that cup of coffee honey

who has time for coffee i have to go to

the supermarket and the co-op and the

you wash doggy place

yes you watch doggy please

do you know what that was about i would

tell you

therma i'm a little uncomfortable with

you being this concerned about a

material object

it's not the object it's what it

represents i'm sorry we're looking for

what a ring represents

good point honey is the ring is just a

symbol of your commitment to your life

partner

when you have it when you don't it

symbolizes an irresponsible wife who

lets her license expire and loses

jewelry

that's why abby and i planted a tree

together you can almost always find a

tree

honey i'm sure greg's gonna understand

abby maybe he will but the ring is an

heirloom from kitty

who got it from her mother who gave it

to her in lieu of

kindness and warmth

that's greg at cool

larry larry what are you doing you're

right that's a different deal

[Laughter]

hey pete greg's not here no i want to

talk to you well now's not a good time

well this won't take long you were right

about asking gretchen out for coffee

it worked like a charm now how do i get

her to go for the whole

pizza can i possibly call you with that

later

well no later i'll be having coffee with

her and well the only thing i know to

say that works is will you have coffee

with me and that'd be a little awkward

at that point

hang on i got something for you

oh you met a woman

yeah yeah yeah i don't want to get all

sentimental but god is she hot

this stuff's good a little salty a

little sweet what is it

stuff we found on the couch

it's not bad inside this notebook is

everything women are looking for in a

guy wow really

you don't have it on tape i'm not much

of a reader don't just go

down what did you give him well when i

was looking in the closet for the ring i

found this silly list that me and some

friends made when we were 12. it was our

idea of the perfect boy you know polite

funny doesn't throw rocks at you

honey how is that gonna help i don't

know but it's not gonna hurt him and

he's gone so let's just

keep looking i found it i found it

karma

there you are

where were you i was looking for you oh

well look at that we found each other

and you know what honey a day doesn't go

by when i'm not thankful that we did

come on let's get back to ben what were

you doing on the fire escape

i was on the roof

i left my engagement ring on the roof

you lost my mother's family right now

greg this is not a lost ring this right

here is a found ring

as soon as we get the tar off of it it's

going to be good as new well you could

have told me it was missing i would have

helped you look for it

would you have tied it into the whole

driver's license dharma is irresponsible

theme

my point here

she would have had help looking well the

important thing is is that i found it

and i'm going to be more careful from

now on okay okay i'm gonna

balance my checkbook and i'm not gonna

lose things anymore i'm gonna close that

window i'm gonna close windows

if you had no idea you were so funny

well i think a sense of humor is

important for a guy but a mature sense

of humor you know

not turning your eyelids inside out kind

of thing

listen i still really am do you want to

stop somewhere for a drink

well i'm not much of a drinker myself

but that's something you'd like to do

i sure won't throw rocks at you

this is very very disturbing

do you know what's going on here i do

and i could

explain it to you but i don't think it'd

help you understand because it's not

helping me

that's a beautiful bracelet i'd go

nicely to those earrings you had on

yesterday

oh you noticed my earrings let's just

say i'm a boy who does his homework

you know what on the other hand they

look like they really like each other

what's the harm

well i might throw up a very expensive

dinner

oh god they're open i'm gonna run in and

get my ring okay

stop that really no

tell him what you said to me i said you

should stop pulling before that

you got to hear this tell him i said

this ring

is a beautiful fake what

i have been k*lling myself over a fake

ring

that can't be are you sure the sign says

jeweler that means i know diamonds if it

said butcher i'd know brisket

i would never give a girl fake jewelry

or noogies

well this is a lovely surprise shall i

have celia bring us some tea perhaps uh

no we we can't stay long um we just

wanted to let you know

that dharma had her ring cleaned

at a jeweler yes

before you begin may i have a moment to

present my side

by all means you gave me a fake ring

darma we're letting mother go first

to begin with it's a very good copy only

a jeweler can tell the difference

i'm so stipulated why don't we just skip

ahead to the part where she doesn't

trust me as far as she can throw me

all right if you will recall

when gregory came to me for the ring you

had been married for five days

having known each other for five days

now now now i understand

that you've grown to have a deep

affection for each other and you appear

to be deeply committed to this

marriage however at the time i had

concerns

but we explained it to you kitty we told

you we were soul mates in the universe

meant for us to be together

hence my disquiet mother were you ever

going to say anything well i intended to

but

time went on and uh i sort of missed

that window in which it

would have been not awkward to bring it

up such a weenie

excuse all right all right all right um

where's the real ring well it's in a

safe deposit box so don't you think

dahmer would be much more comfortable

wearing this ring well because

you know what greg forget it she doesn't

trust me

i don't need this ring and i really

don't need to stand here and listen to

her justify why after five years of

marriage to her son

she still doesn't think that i should

have it

well that was indeed awkward but i think

it worked out all right

mother

where are you going i'm just going to

answer the door

okay don't take too long

forgotten himmel oh great

great crazy i didn't understand your

message what's the emergency

it's gretchen is she sick with love

i haven't been out of that bedroom in

two days and this is a problem

i can't feel my legs greg you gotta

think of an excuse to get me out of here

i have to go my wife is very upset oh

that won't work she knows i'm not

married

oh hello greg all right gretchen pete

can't talk now

he's very busy now sweetie remember

without a little down time there's no

uptime

oh yes i need your strength i'll make

your sandwich and a nice cold beer

help me you know this is all dharma's

fault

why she gave me this little book of

stuff to do you know things like

listen to a girl's feelings and ask her

what she thinks about it

worked right drink plenty of fluids and

uh don't forget to stretch

well the sex is great you know it's a

little bit out of my league but i could

train for that you know i could get the

hang of it

it's just that now she's talking about

marriage and growing all together and

flying me down to dusseldorf to meet the

volks

you you can undo this just be yourself

women don't like you

miss jesus greg i got one with him

here you are dharma and i hope you will

accept my sincere

apology i do

you may now kiss the bride i hope you

understand why i did what i did and i

know it was misguided and

i trust you will forgive me welcome to

the family

thank you oh and there's more oh an

antique choker that's dressy but you can

still wear casual

your very own safe deposit box in your

name my gift to you completely paid for

now if you have anything that's very

valuable you place it in here where it

will be safe you can come and visit

whatever you want

every regular banking hours that's a

great idea

kitty 1961 e flat honer it's kind of

rare

oh

[Music]

coming

oh hi gretchen pete broke up with me

why i broke up with you it seemed like

you guys were doing great

i thought so too he seemed to care about

who i was not just how i looked

but then he started saying something

like he wasn't himself and i was too

needy

and i told him i didn't understand and

he said you'd be able to explain it to

me

right listen gretchen let me ask you

something okay

if you had something that you knew was

really valuable would you wear it out

into the world or would you

keep it hidden someplace safe i guess

i'd wear it out into the world yeah but

then you run the risk of losing it

two so maybe it is better to keep it

locked up

wow i never thought of it that way yeah

cause you know then you have it

and no one can take it from you and then

when it's appropriate you show it off

oops and that's how my feelings should

be kept inside waiting until the right

time

that makes so much sense thank you thank

you so much

wait what

that's mine well i guess i'll be the

tiebreaker

i think dharma looks more like a possum

i'm getting it redone no drama it's just

a driver's license photo you don't have

to have it redone

she really does oh there's a marvelous

photographer at the dmv in atherton it's

a bit of a drive but oh

it's worth it thank you

oh dumb i have a meaning to tell you i'm

so delighted to see that you're wearing

that ring it does no one any good

locked up well and at the same time i

want you to know that i really see your

point about keeping it locked in a bank

nonsense you wear it this is the fake

the real one's in here and i can't get

it out

it's not my bank uh-huh i was going to

put it in the safe deposit box but the

bank was closed so i thought i'd put it

in my jewelry box with my jewelry box is

this pringles can it just has that

little plastic lid you know

it seals in the freshness but not the

jewelry so i thought oh i'll put it in

the little bank until i can get it to

the big bank

you know that's rusted shut yeah we know

that now don't we so i took it to a

locksmith and he said he'd have to use a

torch and it might ruin the ring so here

please take it and don't ever let me

have it again

there is no need to be upset a ring is

an object

and there is no object that is more

important than a person

there's no way she's that evolved well

she gave me another fake well it's a

good thing that i did because look what

happened

i can't believe you said to yourself

that you're irresponsible and here you

are you're irresponsible that's when i

thought it was the real reason i do not

need to discuss this with you anymore

yes you do because you're gonna give me

the real ring and i'm gonna put in the

stupid little bank lock it up and give

it back to you

you know some people think my photo

looks like lauren green

a little bit he was a great actor very

underrated

you know if i'm not mistaken i think

lauren green was canadian i believe

you're right

how to mend a broken heart smart women

foolish choices women men

love women men leave these are for you

yes this is the happiest day of my life

marlene don't blow oh right if

slenderella here can't keep one then

we're all screwed