i cannot believe there is an entire
bookstore devoted to crackpot conspiracy
theories
it's larry's favorite look blair they've
got a whole bunch of new stuff on the
kennedy assassination
oh who cares it was probably just oswald
anyway
oh yeah the fire's really bumped around
oh yeah well he's always a little
depressed between
jobs remember that rough stretch we had
from 78 to 89.
oh look at this alien abductions
a 12-step recovery handbook this is a
joke
not to people in aaa
but darma this is not something you
believe in right well it's not really a
subjective thing greg it's science
dharma it is not science
look i can deal with aromatherapy and
astrology and i'm willing to take a
wait-and-see
position on reincarnation but come on i
mean ufos so those are for
people in pickup trucks on dirt roads
that you know
done seat it with their own two eyes
flying greg humans built the pyramids
find anything good larry no
hey mike you know if you ever need
anyone to help out here at the store
larry knows this place like the back of
bigfoot's hand i wish i could hire him
dharma
but i'm selling the store for all i know
next week this will be a jamba juice
this is all i need first the earth shoe
store closes and now this
larry the earth's shoe store closed 20
years ago yeah and now this
man why are you selling i'm spread tooth
in
i have the ufo support group my loch
ness newsletter
and i'm writing a musical based on my
favorite episode of star trek
larry this could be a great opportunity
for you what do i know about running a
jamba juice oh
you keep it as a bookstore hey honey do
you think your dad would put up the
money to buy this place
for the guy he just fired i could have
just said no
what about your brother larry he could
put up the money i don't want his money
it's blood money he's a dentist gum's
bleed dharma
gums bleed come on abby
um do you really believe that they're
little guys like this
flying around the planet like this no of
course not
they're in ships those are weather
balloons or or atmospheric phenomena or
pie
plates on strings if you have some
evidence you would like to show me i'd
be willing to have an open mind
unlike some people okay so just so that
i know what i'm up against
where do you stand on the easter bunny
well i see it with my own two eyes greg
but how do you explain them chocolate
[Music]
[Applause]
eggs
[Music]
hey uncle herb hey sweetheart so i hear
you have a tooth that's acting up
yeah came on me just like that out of
the blue by the way larry says hi censor
is
you know larry really does admire you so
i am no longer a member of the unholy
international
m*llitary dental conspiracy not really
sure
anyway he's doing something now that
you'd be very proud of
he's thinking of going into business
there's a bookstore for sale that he's
interested in
and you want me to be an investor oh no
you'd have to buy the whole thing
dharma honey your father and i barely
speak
let me tell you something here's a big
old check is a great icebreaker
i don't think so dharma come on it's a
conspiracy bookstore it's perfect for
larry this is a place where he could be
happy for the rest of his life
and i know you want him to be happy you
still send him dental floss for his
birthday
sweetheart come on besides losing a
whole bunch of money what's the worst
that could happen
dharma i don't think that he would even
take money from him well yeah that's
the other thing you probably have to beg
him a little
well i'll tell you what i will think
about it in the meantime
i found your problem i have a problem i
don't have a problem
you my dear have a fractured filling
judy could you set up for a two-surface
composite
and bring the lidocaine in a 21-gauge
needle
he's just kidding judy
[Music]
i don't know why you're bringing me back
down here i can't afford to buy this
place
you probably can i'm not really gonna
play hardball here
larry let's not worry about the money
just look around and decide if this is
something that you'd like to do
it's a very exciting line of work
hello hello what's he doing here
well i told him about the store and he
said he'd be willing to help you out
take a look around uncle who i don't
want his help no need to be hasty
let's see what the nice man with the
rolex has to say
it uh it's not a bad place you know i
mean it uh could use a little
fixing up you might want to move this
this bookcase out of the doorway here
remodeling is one of the privileges of
ownership
it's a great opportunity uncle
larry uh if this is something that you
want to do and
you think you can make a go of it i
would be glad to
lend you the money you see what he does
to me how can i work with that
okay dharma i tried no hang on uncle
herb yes hang on uncle herb
larry he really wants to help you out
here no he doesn't
he just wants to show he's the big man
just like he makes everybody call him
doctor when he's not one
i am a dentist let me ask you a question
in a theater when somebody yells is
there a doctor in the house
do you go running of course not well i
do because i
care about people and that will always
be the difference between us
all right why don't we focus on the
things that you have in common huh
it's like hey i never noticed it before
but you both have the same throbbing
vein in your forehead when you get angry
i cannot i cannot talk to this man he
thinks it is a crime to be successful
i worked for everything i have not
everything
okay here it is come on come on let's
talk about a hank greenberg baseball
card taken from me
in a crooked staring contest how can a
staring contest be crooked
you tell me
while y'all sort this out i'm writing
down a number that would make me very
happy
and several others that would be just
fine oh okay okay
this is ridiculous i win again
do you want the money or not okay okay
i'll take it but you have to promise not
to lord it over me
i wouldn't do that larry of course not
because you're the perfect brother
okay and now you say something nice to
larry
oh hello son i didn't know you were here
you want a drink oh no thanks
do you wanna get the weirdest thing i
was looking at this book uh
on ufos that dharma has and i realize
that i have the same book from high
school
but they've changed it same sightings
but now they're unexplained the
documentation is classified
they've deleted all of the rational
explanations
how is dharma she's fine but she
believes in ufos and this kind of stuff
is why
you know we had a couple of boys in
vietnam who said they saw a ufo or two
you think maybe they did dr*gs well
after seeing something like that who
could blame them
gregory hello dear what brings you by oh
probably nothing maybe something maybe
something big
well i wish you luck with that
what's that a rose oh this yes well it's
the most delightful thing
i had lunch with teensy at that little
french place and you know that charming
valet
the one who always remembers my name
yeah he left this
on the passenger seat well don't you
think that's uh
a little inappropriate it worked are you
jealous
no what would i do with a flower
you are jealous no it's not right you're
a man's wife
yes i am now i'm going up to my bedroom
why don't you slip into something a
little more comfortable and um
join me absolutely
uh just to save us both a little
embarrassment
this is about sex right
okay one used cash register 50 bucks
pete you are a lifesaver larry broke the
other one trying to find the bell
did you know that richard nixon enlisted
elvis as a consultant on the fake moon
landing and part of it was filmed at
graceland
yeah here we go okay uh let me tell you
a couple things about this it doesn't
have numbers per se so here's what you
got to do
say you got a book that's like six
dollars you want to hit quarter pounder
quarter pounder
that's not quite enough so you want to
go large fry and that'll bring you right
in the ballpark here
karma your belief in ufos
is not your fault i've done some
research and i think i've stumbled on an
organized conspiracy of individuals
suppressing the truth about ufos for
their own financial gain
yep we're all getting rich that's how we
can afford these fancy lies
you know i dated a girl that was
abducted by a ufo you did not all right
she wasn't a girl she was pushing 60 but
let me tell you my friend those aliens
they taught her a few tricks
yes this makes sense the superior race
travels millions of miles to teach our
women how to have sex
take a look at these things greg they're
not lookers
they better have some skills
look at this we live in a culture of
irrationality and conclusion jumping
yeah hang on honey where's our grand
opening at i took it down there myself
they said we were gonna be right between
the futons and clonic irrigation
excuse me fire inspection oh
okay uh yes hi i'm calling about an ad i
placed yesterday
let me ask you a question does this look
like a ufo to you
yeah i guess so yeah based on your own
observation or on a predisposition
caused by images you've seen in the
media
yeah i guess i see your point see it's
easy if i explain it to you
one-on-one but the trick is to explain
it to a brainwashed public at large
yeah i bet that's a trick all right
excuse me
that's strange they said mr finkelstein
called and canceled the ad that doesn't
make any sense we open tomorrow
no you don't what call us when you move
that bookcase out of the doorway and
we'll reinspect
no no it's always been there can you
believe this guy
why did larry cancel the ad maybe it
didn't maybe you were given false
information
it happens no the woman said she
personally spoke to a mr finkelstein
but she didn't say larry why would uncle
herb cancel the ad
so the store would fail but he put up
the money
yeah and why look at this place
honey larry always claims that uncle
herb always wants everyone to know that
he's the big success and that larry is
the failure
maybe there's something to that i mean
who's the one who noticed the bookcase
and all of a sudden the fire inspector
shows up
if the store never opens larry looks
like a loser and uncle herb comes out
scot-free just like the guys who faked
the moon landing
see this is the problem with you
believing in ufos it makes stuff like
this almost sound like it makes sense
i'm sorry i haven't seen more of you
little guy he's a beautiful boy larry i
know
and look at that head of hair don't get
too attached to it little fella
order the truth
i don't know how you did it dharma but
it sure is great to see herb and larry
getting along so well
yeah maybe i didn't do such a good thing
here
why is something wrong
i might have conspiracies on the brain
here but
i think uncle herb is trying to sabotage
the store tell me that's completely
crazy
i wish i could sweetie what well
herb's always been kind of jealous of
larry you know of his lifestyle and his
accomplishments and his analytical mind
and plus he never quite got over the
fact that i chose larry over him
i never knew that yeah yeah i dated her
first but we were at this party one
night and i saw your father across the
room
you know he was wearing one of those
fringe jackets and he was spinning
around and around
i thought he was dancing but he was just
trying to get his arm into his sleeve
he needed me and i've been there ever
since
herb was pretty upset well he didn't say
anything but when larry took me home he
tried to run us off the road twice
let's serve the carrot cake
i don't see anything wrong dharma oh
there's nothing there keep looking maybe
it's one of my mowers
the only problem i see in here a little
piece of walnut from your mom's carrot
cake
so how is it going with the bookstore
are you guys still opening tomorrow why
wouldn't we be
i don't know well we are it's gonna be a
huge success we got one of the guys from
the x-files coming to sign autographs
really yeah mitch palegi plays the fbi
boss
with him there to launch us there's our
stalking us
just have to make sure that nothing
happens to him when he's walking to the
store from the saint regis hotel at nine
o'clock in the morning
right okay i see what's going on what
nothing i'm just talking about a guy who
plays skinner on the x-files staying at
the saint regis hotel
i think biting down in that walnut might
have given you a little hairline cr*ck
in that molar oh it didn't
does this bother you
are you sure
i would tell you if it hurt you don't
have to do it again
well i did it i made a little trap for
uncle herb with a little piece of cheese
named mitch
palegi darwin you're drooling
yeah i had a root canal but it was so
worth it
what's that oh just some ufo info that
might uh open a few eyes down at larry's
store
do you want it to sh**t you never lie
fine except for the throbbing pain
karma therma look what you're doing
you know i know you care about your
father but you really have gone over the
edge here i think you need to stop
obsessing where you going
oh um san bruno ufo society
i'm gonna rub their noses in the trees
right in front of me he gave you the
damn flower right in front oh please he
was charming
oh my look at this oh well oh a little
a little poem uh amore that's that's
love right
let me see that
when i was a kid i parked cars one
summer at the country club
you fiddle around with the radio station
you move the seat around
maybe you take a little change but you
leave the man's wife alone
i will meet you upstairs the hell you
will
edward you're back damn right i'm back
you have to understand people you were
taken in
it's not your fault it's a vast
conspiracy
they had to sell the books spielberg had
the movie coming out
this is not fringe stuff aliens are a
billion dollar business in this country
and you
are the poor unwitting pawns of the
industry
any questions no i think you made
yourself pretty clear
thank you
takes all camps done it
yes hi is this marcel yeah hi i'm the
lady who called you about an hour ago
about mitch pelegie from the experts
[Music]
i am not a kook i just want to walk
behind and make sure he doesn't get
kidnapped by a dentist
ugh on hello hey larry listen i have bad
news i think something happened with
mitch pallegi and i can't
what
okay i'll be right there
oh my god oh
i came as soon as i heard oh if not
sooner
what larry i'm sorry you have to find
out this way but
uncle herb has been setting you up to
fail he canceled the ad he tipped off
the fire inspector he shanghaied our
celebrity
and when all else failed he took a match
to the place i b*rned the store down
you heard it take him away boys wait
wait
dharma herb didn't set the fire they
said that those old lights that you put
up started it
and i canceled the ad he did well you
said everybody will see it
everybody includes the cia the fbi the
student loan people
okay then who tipped off the fire
inspector
i think you did when you filed the
application for a business license
oh that was a good thing dharma honey
there could have been people in here
when you started the fire
okay all right fine but then what
happened to the guy from the x-files
i'm here where have you been i was
waiting outside the hotel for you
sorry i had to sneak out the back
concierge gave me a heads up on some
crazy fan that was stalking me
that would be me
oh my god larry i b*rned your bookstore
down
it's okay pumpkin it was an accident
we'll fix it up and we'll start again
i'm so sorry it's okay it's okay
she's a good kid but sometimes she gets
these crazy ideas in her head
i think she gets it from her mother kids
what are you gonna do my 12 year old
insists on dressing like britney spears
is brian 12 or mitzvah in august
mazel tov what happened
dharma healed a family
also it turns out i was the mastermind
behind a vast conspiracy to shut down my
father's bookstore
i don't think so dharma i think it's
bigger than that
and i don't think one man can fight it
are you the x-miles guy yes you are part
of something larger than you could ever
have imagined let's walk and talk my
[Laughter]
[Music]
family
excuse me manuel yes i'm edward
montgomery
silver mercedes pretty wife i wondered
when this moment would come look
i know what's going on took me a couple
of times to figure it out but
she put you up to doing this flower
thing
to make me jealous it is not some kind
of a put up it's okay she's a very
persuasive woman but i'm on to you now
you don't understand mr montgomery your
wife is a beautiful amazing
woman and i love her i love her with all
my heart
well whatever the deal is
could you dial it back a notch i could
probably handle one rose a week but two
is k*lling me
05x20 - The Tooth Is Out There
Watch/Buy Amazon
Free-spirited Dharma, a yoga instructor and dog trainer, meets and falls for polar opposite Greg, a Harvard-educated U.S. attorney.
Free-spirited Dharma, a yoga instructor and dog trainer, meets and falls for polar opposite Greg, a Harvard-educated U.S. attorney.