05x23 - The Mamas and the Papas Pt. 1

[bunniefuu]

dharma you really don't have to do this

they're our parents they deserve to be

dealt with honestly

oh they do not there is no good way to

tell them that we're not going on

vacation with them i'm not gonna lie

there's nothing wrong with lying our

civilization is based on it our art is

based on it do you really think

billy joel loved her just the way she

was

how's that tea kitty it's still fine

abby here is your wheat berry scone

thank you does anybody know why we're

here

yes dharma knows why we're here dharma

thank you ray well abby

larry we have a little problem here you

know how we told you guys we were gonna

go camping with you next week

i'm sorry you're going with us to the

cordon blue wine and food tasting

weekend in napa

well they're in squats the toad

honey darling sweetheart

guys as you can see we're in one of

those things that just happens you know

it's nobody's fault really and i thought

that we should all just get together as

adults and just work it out

dharma i think that's a very wise and

mature choice

thank you kitty abby larry i i know this

is very disappointing for you but we

have booked the weekend it's not

refundable so of course the

children will be going with us wait a

minute no kitty

this is not just a camping trip this is

my birthday

wait didn't you just have a birthday

well that's the anniversary of my

physical birth

this is the anniversary of the onset of

my womanhood

what the hell do you sing for that

all right guys here's the deal we're

gonna have to compromise here so greg

and i are going to spend the week at

kitty and edward's vacation house in the

mountains which you've been wanting us

to do and it's in the woods which is

kind of like camping

the only thing that'll be missing is uh

you guys

smooth isn't it better that we're

dealing with this openly and honestly

rather than cooking up some crazy lie

which totally wouldn't have worked for

example we we

might have said that we have a new puppy

at home that we couldn't leave alone and

his name might have been scout

well you couldn't leave home if you had

a new puppy absolutely he'd tear up the

place

all right maybe that would have worked

my point is all right i have

had enough come on edward we're leaving

that's my ride

you guys understand right i'm afraid i

don't dharma

the womb we were gonna be celebrating is

the womb that gave birth to you

we're going we're not gonna get to see

the puppy

good night

go ahead say it i know you want to say

it go ahead they're in

squats the toad

[Music]

[Applause]

hey where have you been i uh stopped off

to talk to my folks oh

how'd that go well i smoothed things

over i i sold you out big time so

they're speaking to me but you're pretty

much toast

fair enough do you uh speak to your

parents

uh-huh we had a great talk we got out

the clay we sculpted our feelings then

we looked at each other's feelings

how's everybody feeling well my mother

feels like a little crying dove

and larry feels like a tiny bowling ball

here he wanted you to have it

anyway it was a little bit rough but i

told them that we made our decision

good yeah

it's good

if you had seen the pain that it had

caused them honey would have done

exactly what i did

please tell me we're not going camping

with them

oh no silly of course not

they're coming with us to your parent's

cabin great this is a big deal it's my

mother's menstrual cycle we are talking

about

and i really wish we weren't dharma if

my parents find out that we're going on

vacation with your parents they're going

to make our lives a living hell

my mom was still crying little duff my

dad was a bowling ball how do you say no

to that

janet could you uh messenger this over

to mr kincaid's office

oh yes of course sir right away thank

you excuse me

i work here now and i'm your secretary

you can bring that stuff to me

sorry marlene could you when i'm off the

phone

oh son dad how's mother doing

oh she's still on the moor path she

fired the gardener

usually cheers her up did you uh cancel

your trip

no now it's just your mother and me

picnicking in the vineyards antiquing

having a

romantic dinner and that little train

they have up there

that sounds nice i'll give you a hundred

thousand dollars if you come with us

sorry dad i know you're right you and

dharma need this time

alone just the two of you we sure do

just the two of us

listen if we're both gonna be out of

town we need to reschedule the meeting

with the securities and exchange guy

right um marlene what do i have on my

book for that week

marlene she is just terrific to work

with

dad i'm jammed up that week maybe we can

uh find somebody else to handle the

meeting with the sec well we'll have to

get somebody from the legal department

what about howard uh how was too busy

i got nothing next week it's just a pro

forma inquiry uh it's nothing tricky

uh yeah you're right a monkey could do

it it's all yours pete

thanks for the vote of confidence you

might want to book a monkey just in case

isn't she terrific

and then on the way to napa i thought we

could stop at this marvelous little

furniture maker oh he makes the most

darling little table and chair sets out

of old

grapevines and they let you watch

uh you know salt will k*ll you

when

hello in-laws don't get up dumb what are

you doing here

well i was in the neighborhood and your

door was open

the door was open well i mean i got it

open

all right look here's the deal um

something has happened and some people

don't think that you should know about

it but we are a family and

we have to deal with things honestly no

matter what

those same people think my parents are

going with me and greg on vacation any

questions

enjoy your meal dharma i would just like

to say

i appreciate your honesty

you do absolutely

you want us to know that your parents

are the fun people that you enjoy

vacationing with and we are a

dull obligation no why didn't you just

cancel

a vacation with us and schedule one with

your parents

we got a new puppy

wow what a great place to spend time

with family

i suppose uh abby larry your room is

right down there at the end of the hall

where's the hot tub now right outside

your room

well that's where we're gonna be all

weekend oh larry don't be selfish they

might want to have sex in it too

all yours

well this is gonna be fine we know where

they're gonna be

we can avoid them it's a big house it's

a huge house

could i have four people here you could

have six people here

what does that mean oh edward they've

arrived

this is bad you don't know that yes i do

greg

this knob from your hot tub just came

off what are they doing here

i thought they were gonna be in napa i

thought you said your parents had

changed their mind

yes basically i was dishonest with

everybody and that doesn't feel very

good does it

come can i talk to you yeah greg we can

talk and they can talk

and they can talk and work on their

problems and sort out issues and laugh

and cry because this

is officially the montgomery finkelstein

weekend

of healing i'm talking right now

while we're out there i want each of you

to think of something nice to say to the

person on your left

no fair i got the hard one

i don't even know where to start you

probably want to know what the hell is

wrong with me

that's as good a place as any all right

look i went to talk to your parents

but your mom pretty much whacked me

upside the head with a guilt stick and i

kind of got back into a corner but then

i thought

why not bring them all here together and

i know i didn't go about it the right

way but we have an amazing opportunity

here

what to get on cops

we have been caught between these people

for five years we tiptoe around them we

pacify them we get ourselves all tied up

and not to tell

so is it is it just the six of us or did

you bring a swarm of angry bees

honey they have never even tried to get

along this is their chance to make it

work

it was an accident oh it most certainly

was not

let's go see how they're making it work

what happened

your father-in-law just hurled a 6 500

lamp onto the floor you spent 6 grand on

a lamp

oh edward please not now it was an

accident kitty

ed wanted to make a fire and he couldn't

see if the flu was open and i was

bringing him a lamp and i got caught up

short by the cord what kind of an idiot

doesn't realize a lamp has a cord

larry and you should know that by now

it's just a thing she's so worried about

her lamp how about hey larry are you

okay

you are obviously not okay

is this the kind of given tape you were

hoping for absolutely

events like this give us the opportunity

to work on our communication skills

let's try role play

oh please dharma that is a wonderful

idea

larry you play kitty all right now

you've just

seen yourself break the land right and

i'll be the broken lamp

we have a broken lamp i'll be the man

drinking scotch

go ahead kitty okay well obviously larry

accidents happen

the important thing here is that you

weren't hurt larry give me a hug

i don't think he's got her at all this

is

nonsense you broke a very important lap

and i think the least you can do is

offer to pay for it what happened to

larry give me a hug i never said that

everybody heard it oh come on abby i

think i got 20 in my duffel bag let's

start paying them their blood money

how could you humiliate him like that

he's a human being with a soul

oh no i am going upstairs and when i

come down

they had better be gone edward

and when i come down i'd better be drunk

okay good start everybody we'll just

take a little break for now

mr montgomery asked me to remind you to

confine your responses to

all the information you need is in these

documents and would you care for some

coffee

what's that supposed to mean it means

for some reason he trusts you with

coffee

if you'll excuse me i've been a

practicing attorney for the last nine

years

off and on i think i know how to conduct

myself professionally during a meeting

with a representative of the federal

government

excuse me i'm laura butler i'm looking

for pete cavanaugh

holy smokes you're the guy from the sec

i'm the woman from the sec well aren't

you our

tax dollars at work

i'll come right this way can i get you

some coffee or maybe whip up a pitcher

of margaritas

let's see see you in a few hours

where are you going we're leaving we're

gonna find a little hotel

or we're gonna break into somebody's

house

but we're gonna have a vacation by

ourselves we don't have a car

so we'll walk we might lose a total

frostbite but it'll be worth it

i know it's hard greg but a lot of

worthwhile things are hard and they take

time like

running a marathon or having a baby or

making cheese

listen i i don't understand the part

about the cheese but i understand

what you're trying to do here the thing

is it can't be done

our parents will never be friends they

don't like each other's politics they

don't like each other's food they don't

like each other

don't you think that is a little bit

negative it's realistic

the only way we can deal with our

parents is to keep them apart preferably

for the rest of their lives

what are we going to do when we have

children we'll do what normal families

do we'll go to your parents for

thanksgiving

my parents for christmas that's why god

invented two holidays where you eat

exactly the same meal

i'm sorry greg but i don't want to live

like that i'm not ready to give up

on this

so what do you want to do we let them

interact

we listen and then we jump in when we're

needed

edward come down here and see what they

have done

and bring your hunting r*fle

sounds like we're needed

look just look

and that is a 430 thread count

ralph lauren bed sheet

guys it's snowing are you sure you don't

want to come inside and talk about this

we're past talking you know i don't

think anybody's really gonna see this

protest that you're doing

grassroots my friend if you need me

i'll be writing my list of demands

how sexy is that man right now

well now we have to figure out what

we're going to do next well for starters

we're going to steer clear of that tent

for a while

i think if you just apologize for what

you did he'll apologize for what he did

and they'll call off their protests i

forgave him for the lamp

i will not forgive him for turning our

front yard into a shantytown

these are odd people you married into

son

i will only shut down the camp if they

give in to our demands

larry i don't think they're ever going

to allow homeless people to bathe in the

hot tub

that's just in there so we have

something to give in on

they have to open up their lands for

grazing

that one we're sticking to ah here's one

for me

they want me to b*at my sword into a

plowshare and study w*r no more

if you don't have a sword you're

probably off the hook

could you just talk to them all right i

might be willing to meet them but only

on

neutral ground i'll alert the swiss

all right here we are somebody say

something

i'm freezing my ass off

well there you go there's some common

ground we're all freezing our asses oh

this is ridiculous yes it is

larry will you just admit that you went

a little overboard here no

we'll call that a yes kitty will you

admit that sometimes the way you

approach these situations is a little

condescending

well i can see how you would think that

did

good okay why don't we just call that

our achievement for the weekend and just

go back to taking our vacation

yeah all right thank you thank you

darling

so i assume that that means we're going

back to our original plan

of larry and i and the kids spending

some time

together and if you like we would be

willing to help you pack up

i believe your original plan was to

sleep in the woods

so why don't we help you pack up oh

that's it huh just throw the working man

right

for the last five years greg and i have

tried to make peace with you people but

it is impossible

you fight you argue you insult each

other you pee on each other's prized

roses

that is it we are done as of today

we are officially done

love each other k*ll each other tie each

other up and paint each other blue i

don't care

you are on your own greg and i are

leaving

that's my ride

so as far as you know none of the

officers of montgomery industries bought

stock and canesco before this merger was

announced

no my god what a great idea is it too

late to get in

well it seems like everything here is in

order so

i'll just take copies of these documents

and that's it oh hang on we haven't even

had a chance to get to know each other

all we've talked about is business

that's what they pay me for but it was

nice to meet you and good luck with the

merger

so you're just leaving we're done well

hang on

not everything about the mergers in

those documents what do you mean

well you know people talk you hear

things

so you're saying you're privy to

information that you don't feel

comfortable discussing

i wouldn't feel comfortable discussing

it with just anyone

would you feel comfortable discussing it

with me

yes i think that i would

not that i'm not enjoying the ride but

uh where exactly are we going

mossett lawn if we're going to muzzet

line we probably should go back and get

our toothbrushes

i can't drive to mazatlan oh no actually

you can uh

you get on the 80 back over to five and

then it's mexican highway 15. but that

aside for the moment you might want to

get back on the road or at least

slow down now you've got helpful

suggestions you couldn't have chimed in

back there on the porch yeah well for

the record i'm not the one that invited

both sets of parents on our vacation

and again one more for the record uh

you're not on the road

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[Music]

well i've slowed down

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hmm

you