03x04 - Halloween 3: The Guest Who Wouldn't Leave

[bunniefuu]

It's Halloween!

[LAUGHS] Aah! Oh, my God.

- What? What is it?
- THORFINN: You not remember?

We do seance.

We bring back Flower from beyond today.

Awake. Come on! We do seance now.

Again, Thor, the way this
works is, we need an object

that belonged to Flower.

Now, her brother is
sending us something,

but it won't be here till later.

I'm tracking it, buddy.

It says it's gonna be
delivered by 8:00 p.m.

Oh, that's rough.

So hard to wait. [LAUGHS]

Oh, he's so excited. It's so sweet.

He's like a kid on Christmas.

Thor gonna ravish her.

My loins burn deep with desire.

Throbbing. [LAUGHS]

Not exactly like a kid on Christmas.

Will do it in the living room.
Everyone free to watch. Yes!

Yes! [LAUGHS]

Halloween! [LAUGHS]

♪ ♪

SAMANTHA: Babe, what about Caroline,

that cool girl with the eyebrow ring

who runs the bookshop?
Did we invite her?

Yeah, we did, and she's a yes.

Boom shakalaka. This party's gonna rock.

I appreciate that she doesn't even try

to be cool in front of us anymore.

Ah, the Halloween party.

So brave of you to
continue that tradition

after the humiliating failure

that was last year's soiree.

Right. Which is why we're
taking no chances this year.

We sent out the invites months ago.

Which did not reek of desperation.

And we have received
a solid number of RSVPs

from a highly curated selection
of Hudson Valley locals.

And... drumroll, please.

- Pete's doing it.
- Oh, thanks, buddy.

Nico and Sasha are
coming up from the city.

The Nico and Sasha? Music manager

and stylist to the stars power couple?

The most amazing bathroom
remodel I've ever seen.

I-I-I snoop while you scroll.

Yes, that's them.

And they're coming
for the party tonight,

- but they're staying with us for the weekend.
- JAY: And they said,

if they like the vibe up here,

they might even start looking at houses.

I see what's going on here.

You aspire to scamper up

the greasy rungs of the social ladder.

Well, fortunately for
you, you have a member

of the Newport 400 as your guide.

Is that like a car race or a cigarette?

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [GASPS]

They're here.

Oh, don't answer right away.
Make 'em sweat a little.

Is it too late to
completely change your hair?

You know what? Never mind.

Sasha and Nico. Get in here.

Hi.

It's not the package, Thor.

- Damn it!
- [GRUNTS] [SCREAMS]

Oh!

JAY: Oh.

It has been a while.

Yeah, a couple years.

[BELLOWS] [WHIMPERS]

It's so cute up here...

Oh, yeah, we love it.

And there's, like, tons to do up here.

Do you guys like apple-picking?

Are you really suggesting manual labor?

Yeah, apple-picking's chill.

Perhaps they'd also like
to sweep your chimney.

People are chill up here, too.

I mean, you'd think it was
just yokels and old folks,

- but eh-eh, that is not the case.
- [LAUGHS]

Knock-knock. Happy Halloween.

Meow, I'm a cat.

- Oh, my God. It's Pete's widow.
- [DOOR CLOSES]

Hey... wh-what are you doing here?

I know, I'm a bit early for the party.

You guys live near my podiatrist,

and I didn't want to go home in between.

Pete, Carol's here.

CAROL: I have to say, you guys,

I was really, really touched
when I got your invite.

Oh, uh, sorry, these are
our friends Sasha and Nico.

- Sasha, Sasha?
- Yeah.

- Sasha?
- Uh, Nico.

Nico, Sasha. Sasha.

This is what you call well-curated?

TREVOR: Oh, I bet Carol got the
invite meant for bookstore Caroline.

Classic email mix-up,
which I would know about

as the ghost who emails.

- Is he bragging?
- I have no idea.

Did someone say that... ?

Cheese and crackers,
what is she doing here?

Oh, I almost forgot.

Didn't want to come empty-handed.

- Ha-ha.
- [CHUCKLES]

Whoa. Doughnut holes.

- Sick.
- [CHUCKLES]

CAROL: It's a funny story...

I hate doughnuts, but
I love doughnut holes.

Oh, God, not this again.

- Aren't they the same thing?
- Oh, no, no, no.

Doughnut holes come out
of a different machine.

It's all doughnut material.
I can't be here for this.

- Um, do either of you guys have foot issues?
- You know what? Uh...

Why don't I show you two to your room?

And, Carol, let's go put the
doughnut holes in the kitchen.

Wow, she's... a bit much.

Don't worry. Jay'll take care of her.

Ooh, ominous.

Point me to the dance floor.

I'm ready to get out there and boogie.

Actually, Carol, I think
we need some help in here,

kind of manning this area.

Yeah, they don't want you here, Carol.

No one does.

But isn't the party
supposed to be out there?

Yeah, but I just...
I need a really strong

presence in the kitchen.

People are drawn to my charisma.

Yeah, my best friend who you
slept with was sure drawn to it.

I can't be around you!

- Thanks, Carol.
- Yeah.

Well, well, well, looks
like we're finally alone.

And I have...


points left for the day.

Mmm. [CHUCKLES]

[COUGHING]

SASAPPIS: Hurry up, the window to
bring back Flower closes at midnight.

THORFINN: Everyone gather.

It's time to bring my
girlfriend back from the beyond.

Okay, we're ready.

Jay, have you got the
object of Flower's?

Let's see what her brother sent us.

Hmm, must be some treasured keepsake

for him to have kept it all these years.

Okay, it's...

It's a 50-year-old bag of weed.

He sent that across state lines?

Oh, now we're all drug
traffickers. Thanks, Rob.

All right, people, we know the drill.

- [SNIFFS]
- Light the candle,

- hold hands, and do the chant.
- [GROANS]

Just like last year when we brought back

that hot maid who had ghost syphilis.

Still would've gone there.

- Mm.
- HETTY: Don't worry, Samantha.

We will visit with Flower,

but we shall not abandon
you in your time of need.

We shall be at your
side, a constant voice

in your ear, aiding you as you attempt

to improve your social station.

I ain't gonna sugarcoat
it. It was a rough start,

- but it's salvageable.
- SAMANTHA: Actually, I would prefer

if you guys weren't in my ear.

No offense, it's just kind of hard

to charm Sasha and Nico
with you guys distracting me.

JAY: Yeah, you know,
we just don't want Sam

looking like a weirdo
in front of our friends.

Not that you ever look weird.

I mean, you really pull it off.

I love you, babe.

Enough!

We're wasting time. Do seance now.

Okay, Thor. [CLEARS THROAT]

Let's do this.

[HUFFING]

Spirits, we ask you to open your doors

to the realm of the dead...

Uh, Sam.

[GASPS, CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Yeah, we were just wondering
what the Wi-Fi password is?

Yes. Yeah, and I will
share that with you.

We were just praying for a good party.

Do you want this... ?
I'm gonna close it.

[ISAAC CHUCKLING]

This is going about as well

as it did for the
Hessians on Christmas Day.

We m*rder*d them in their sleep.

Oh, I'll fix that later.
That's just a bump in the road.

Yeah. I mean, that's
the last weird thing

they're gonna see tonight.

♪ ♪

That was weird.

Oh, wow.

I think I blacked out.

I'm excited to see Flower.

- I wonder if she'll remember me.
- [CHUCKLING]

No, for real, I do wonder.

- Mm.
- JAY: Okay, not to rush

this very important
occasion, but Carol could be

talking goiters with
Sasha and Nico as we speak.

Okay, let's go. [CLEARS THROAT]

Spirits, spirits, draw in near.

From beyond, join us here.

ALL: Spirits, spirits, draw in
near. From beyond, join us here.

Hey, Flower.

[CHUCKLING]: Oh, my gosh.

It's just so good to see you, girl.

We missed you so much.

It didn't work.

THORFINN: Where's Flower?

Why not work? [MUTTERS]

Must be something wrong with...

Maybe object not belong to Flower.

Or, or perhaps the object needed to be

something that was on their
person when they passed.

Remember, the maid d*ed
with the feather duster.

Jay, the ghosts think
that maybe it didn't work

because Flower didn't have
this weed on her when she d*ed.

Interesting. [CHUCKLES]

That's going in the ghost notes.

Yes!

So simple. Make sense now.

Samantha, you must procure object

that Flower did die with. Fast!

We have mere hours left till midnight.

Thor, I want to bring Flower back, too,

but, I'm sorry, I wouldn't
know where to start.

Well, we know that Flower
was mauled by the bear

on the property. You guys were there.

Did anything fall off of her?
Did she drop anything?

It's possible,

and I don't want to get too graphic,

but there was a lot of
stuff flying around...

you know, clothes,
jewelry, intestines...

Why? Why did she think
the bear wanted a hug?

Well, there you go, Samantha.

You just simply must leave
the party and go dig up

the site of Flower's demise.

Or, more likely, just make Jay do it.

Uh, Jay, the ghosts are
saying that you should dig up

the spot where Flower d*ed
and see if you can find

anything that was on her person.

That's what that long-ass pause was for?

No. We're throwing a party.

I-I want to see people
try my shrimp toast.

Please, small man.

Thor want to tell Flower that...

I love her.

When she was here,

too afraid to tell her, but
is one true wish that she know.

Aw, Thor wants to tell
Flower that he loves her.

He never got a chance to tell her.

[GROANS SOFTLY]

I mean, the body's
not still there, is it?

I think they got most of it.

You know, maybe there's
a toe or some teeth.

Nope, they took it all away.

Okay. I'm going to go excavate
the site of a bear mauling

because my wife fell
down some stairs once.

[ALL CHEERING]

♪ I'm all dressed up
with nowhere to go... ♪

But that's what happens
when you take the G train.

[LAUGHING]: The G train.

- She's laughing way too hard.
- That's it, Samantha,

they want to see your back teeth.

Sam's spending way too
much time with them.

That girl is lingering.

TREVOR: Is Nico checking his phone?

Oh, damn it, Sam, get out of there.

Uh, uh, what was I saying?

There you are.

One sec.

I saw a young man putting a
beer down on a wooden credenza.

I scolded him and he
completely ignored me.

Young people.

Okay, well, thank you
for telling me, Carol,

but actually, we were planning
on refinishing it anyway.

[CHUCKLES] Uh-huh.

No, I'm a little busy right now, Carol.

Okay, well, suit yourself.

See you later.

Sorry, we invited her by accident.

She's the worst. [CHUCKLES]

Pete, want to join us at the party?

You're being a real John
Jay up here. [LAUGHS]

He was most shy.

I can't go down there.

Carol's circling like
a shark with cat ears.

[TO TUNE OF JAWS THEME]:
♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

♪ Meow, meow, doo-dah-doo. ♪

- What are you... what is that?
- It's from Jaws.

I... okay, it do... it doesn't
matter, because just look

on the bright side, all right?
She'll be gone by tomorrow.

Yeah, that's true. With any luck,

I'll never have to see her again.

Well, I'm gonna go to my room and...

I don't know, remember different knots?

You got the square knot, obviously.

Yes, that's the spirit,
you odd little man.

♪ At the door... ♪

- Watch out.
- CAROL: Ooh.

You guys win the costume contest.

[GASPS] Nice fabric.

Got to say, you do not see
that on a ream at Joann's.

Wow. Uh-oh.

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]

- So, Carol's a ghost.
- HETTY: Oh, my goodness.

She must have expired
somewhere on the property.

This is remarkable.

We got to tell Sam.

- Sam!
- Samantha!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Hey, Sam, we know you said

- not to bother you, but...
- [SAMANTHA SHUSHES]

I don't want to hear it. I
very politely asked you guys

not to talk to me at the party,

because when you do, it makes
me look like a crazy person.

- Samantha...
- No. I've had it.

I don't want your help.

You d*ed hundreds of
years ago, and I'm sorry,

but your advice really
isn't all that relevant.

[GASPS]

Oh, my goodness, are you kidding?

Like I'm watching a toddler.

Carol.

Well, what do we do now?

You heard her. Little Miss
Living doesn't want our help.

[SCOFFS]

Hey, Carol. Uh, can I
steal her away for a sec?

CAROL: I'm telling my Daryl Hall story.

He hit on me once at a Safeway.

Well, maybe it's not
the best time for that.

[WHISPERS]: So sorry about her.

Okay, yeah.

We're gonna go, um, get snacks.

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]

Thanks a lot, Carol.

What did I do?

You talked their ear off.

They weren't giving me much back.

[SASHA SIGHS]

This is really disturbing, Nico.

Sam's talking to imaginary people.

She's completely lost it.

Well, she's stuck up here
in the middle of nowhere

in this creepy old hotel.

SASHA: Speaking of creepy,

look at this Halloween decoration.

Geez, that looks realistic.

Oh, well, there's
Carol's corpse. [CHUCKLES]

I was wondering where that was.

Mm, mystery solved.

SASHA: That does look really real.

Yep, that's a dead body. Oh, my God.

SASHA: Oh, my God.

Nico, that's the lady from earlier.

The one we said was a bit much.

And then Sam said that Jay
would "take care of her."

See, this is interesting,
because they think

- that Sam and Jay m*rder*d Carol.
- [GASPS]

Oh, I would love to alert Samantha,

but I also want to honor
her wishes not to bother her

with my outdated advice.

- What to do, what to do?
- Mm.

Oh, my God. You don't think... ?

That they k*lled this lady
'cause they're desperate

to be friends with us and we
said that we didn't like her?

I knew they could smell the desperation.

I told Samantha to rein it in.

Maybe it's just a coincidence.

- Yeah.
- I mean, people can be crazy,

and there can be dead bodies,

- but it doesn't mean that the crazy people k*lled them.
- No, right.

She could have bonked her head and...

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- [SCREAMS]

♪ ♪

- Hi.
- Ah...

NICO: Nice shovel.

[CHUCKLES] What? Oh, I
had a gardening emergency.

- Yeah.
- Smooth.

- Cool. Totally. Yeah.
- Makes perfect sense.

- NICO: I'm gl... I'm so glad you got that done.
- I'm gonna go clean up.

But you guys, you
don't go anywhere, okay?

'Cause Sam and I got big plans

for the both of you this weekend.

Oh...

[WHOOPS, CHUCKLES] Aye, aye, Captain.

Aye, aye to you as well.

- Well, they think they're gonna die.
- Delightful.

- We have fun.
- Mm.

Small man delivers.
Behold the ring of Flower.

Jay, you're amazing.
How did you find this?

I went right where you told
me to and I started digging

and it was creepy and it was dark,

and then I heard an owl make a hoot,

which brought up some
really painful memories,

but you know what? I hit pay dirt.

How's it going here?

Not great. Carol keeps hovering

when I'm trying to
talk to Sasha and Nico.

I don't know why she's still here.

[SINGSONGY]: I got a clue.

JAY [DISTANT]: It's
okay, babe, I'm here now.

Everything's gonna be fine.

We are gonna get rid of Carol,

and then we're gonna take
care of Sasha and Nico.

[WHISPERING]: They must
know we saw the body.

- We know too much.
- Okay, go. Go, go, go.

Enough talking!

Only three hours left till midnight.

Thor yearns to tell Flower he love her.

And do other things that, again,

others are invited to
watch in living room.

ISAAC: And with that,

let's bring back a ghost.

Uh, Nico and Sasha

are packing up faster than
the Hendersons back in '84

when they had to flee the
Bahamas due to a hurricane.

I was working on getting them
a full refund when yuh-oh.

Pete says Sasha and Nico are leaving.

What? No, no, no. We got to stop 'em.

Wait, we bring back Flower first.

And now they're
sprinting down the stairs.

[GASPS] Thor, I'm sorry,
we'll be right back.

Jay, let's go. I bet
this is because of Carol.

[SINGSONGY]: You're probably right.

Hey, seriously? You're just
gonna leave the big guy hanging?

What about his loins?

[GROANS] Ugh. I hate that I asked that.

Wait. Damn. I forgot my
coat in the closet upstairs.

- Leave it.
- It's Loro Piana.

It's quiet luxury.

Oh, your father will buy you a new one.

Well, I hope so.

- You guys aren't trying to escape, are you?
- [SCREAMS]

We are not letting
you get away that easy.

- Oh, yeah, uh... no!
- No, we weren't. Okay.

We don't want to... we just...
uh, we... we have to go now.

Is this because of Carol?

No, no, no. Something came up.

And, uh, we don't even know
what you're talking about.

Wait, well, did somebody else
bother you? Because if they did,

I can stick them in the kitchen, too.

No, no, no, no, no, no!
Everyone has been so chill.

It's been awesome and...

And we won't tell anyone
what we saw, we swear to God.

What you saw? Sasha,
are you feeling okay?

- You look a little pale.
- Oh, it's food poisoning, yeah.

But not something that you made, Jay!

It's from earlier.

And, yeah, man, everything you made,

you're an amazing cook.

And, uh, we would
never want to upset you.

- But please, man.
- What?

- Sam?
- Oh, here comes Carol.

CAROL: I don't know what's
going on with this foot medicine,

but I swear to God,

I just saw my hand go
through the back of a chair.

[GASPS]

["WEREWOLVES OF LONDON"
BY WARREN ZEVON PLAYING]

♪ You better not let him in... ♪

Pete?

PETE: You...

You can see me?

[ALL SCREAMING]

Carol's a ghost!

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

[GRUNTS]

Come on, baby, let's go! Let's go!

Oh, Jay?

[GASPS]

Right.

So, couple things.

Uh, Carol d*ed in the kitchen.

Also, Sasha and Nico found the body,

thought that you k*lled
her, and now think

that you're gonna k*ll them
to tie up the loose ends.

We would have loved to
have given you a heads-up,

but we really didn't
want to be a distraction.

You're welcome.

Oh, that lady is strong.

I can't believe you guys.

Huh?

Did I choke on a doughnut hole?

Well, that would be ironic. You
don't even like doughnut holes.

I don't like doughnuts.

Doughnut holes are made
from their own material.

I'm out.

ISAAC: Well, that party ended fast.

Yeah, it's weird.

Once you tell people
the coroner's on the way,

they tend to clear out pretty quickly.

Samantha, if we may...

No. I don't even want to talk to you.

Let's just bring Flower back,
since that's all I'm good for

is doing stuff for you guys,

even though you can't do
one simple thing for me,

like telling me Carol
is a freaking ghost

when I'm making an idiot out of myself.

Am I really a ghost? Are ghosts real?

What did I do to the universe?
I mean, I was a good person.

Sure, the deck was unpermitted, but...

Is that what this is, God?
Is this about the deck?

Sam, we're sorry we let
you twist in the wind.

It's just that we were hurt.

HETTY: We have all this knowledge
and no lives with which to use it.

I mean, we can't even
leave the property.

Wait, seriously?

Carol, not now.

But through you, in some small way,

we get to continue to live.

It's like they say...
you have the whole world,

but you're our whole world.

Hetty?

That's from a dog food commercial.

Oh, gosh, is it? Don't love that.

That's a new low.

I may have been a little harsh,

saying your advice wasn't relevant.

The truth is, I could
probably learn a lot

from you guys when it
comes to that kind of stuff.

That's all we wanted.

Now let's talk about your hair,

because your chances with Sasha and Nico

were dead long before Carol was.

[THORFINN CLEARS THROAT]

Hello? My loins.

Right. Uh, Thor's loins.

I'm not even gonna ask.

I don't understand. So,
we can walk through walls.

How come we don't
fall through furniture?

It's a lot of questions.

Maybe just let it soak
in for a bit, Carol.

Okay.

Here we go.

Spirits, we ask you to open your door

to the realm of the dead.

ALL: Spirits, spirits, draw in near.

From beyond, join us here.

Hey, Flower.

I've never seen you, but your
presence in this room is unmistakable,

- so let me be the first to...
- Jay.

Didn't work, did it?

No. I'm sorry, Thor.

Why does my foot still hurt?

It just does. Carol, we're
in the middle of something.

HETTY: Why didn't Flower come back?

What happened?

It is very curious.

Flower... !

[ANIMALS HOWLING]

- THORFINN [IN DISTANCE]: Flower!
- FLOWER: Thor?

Is that you?

I fell down this well, like, a
month ago and I can't get out.

Guys!

Anybody?

Help!