02x07 - Last Legs!

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: This is the
Evergreen forest.

Quiet, peaceful, serene.

That is, until
Bert Raccoon wakes up.

Bert Raccoon: Yahoooo!

♪♪

Yeeeehaaaa!

Yikes!

Yaaaah...
[bam!]

[laughs]
[smash!]

Yeaaaah!

Narrator: Luckily, he has some
good friends to help him out.

Broo: [panting]

♪♪

Narrator: Life would be simple
in the forest except for...

Cyril Sneer!

[bleep blarp bloop]

And his life would be simple
except for...

the Raccoons!!

♪ [show theme music]

♪♪

The Evergreen Forest.

Today it has blue skies,
lazy white clouds

and a warm breeze.

Great weather,

unless you're feeling under it,

like Cyril Sneer.

Cyril: Achoo! Aaachoo!

[grunts]

Dr. Canard: Oh, let's see now.

Cyril: Alright Dr. Canard,

out with the straight goods!

Oh, is that thing ever cold!

Dr. Canard: Cough, please.

Cyril: Achooo!

Dr. Canard: Aaaah..

Cyril: This is your second visit

and I'm not feeling any better.

I hardly even feel like losing
my temper! Now, what's up?

Dr. Canard: Well,
for starters, not you,

you're to stay in bed and
take plenty of fluids

until I get the results
from your tests.

The Pig: Dr. Canard! Dr. Canard!

There's an urgent
phone call for you!

The Pig 2: It's Dr. Auto.

Dr. Canard:
Hmm, it's the clinic.

It's not like them to call
unless it's something serious.

Cyril: Something serious?!

Get out there and listen
in on his conversation!

[hoofs clopping]

Achooo!

Dr. Canard: Hello?
Lefty: Yeah, Dr. Canard?

Lefty here at
Dr. Auto's Car clinic.

How are you?
Dr. Canard: Oh, fine.

I'm here treating a loud mouth
complainer with a bad cold.

And what about my car?

Lefty: It looks like the
car is going to need

a complete overhaul.

Dr. Canard: What?!
Valves? sh*t?!

The Pig: Valves?!
It's his heart!

Dr. Canard: Serious, you say?
The Pig 2: Serious?!

Dr. Canard: Done in a few days?

The Pig 3: The boss has
only got a few days to live!

Dr. Canard: Well, there's
nothing more I can do here.

Besides, I tee off
in 20 minutes.

Cyril: So what is it?

The Pig 3: Well, Sir,
[giggles] it's like this.

You're heading to that
big vault in the sky.

The Pig 1: The big guy
has called in your loan.

The Pig 2: If I were you, Sir,

I'd act on any once-in-a-
lifetime offer right now.

Cyril: What are you
blabbering about?

The Pig 1: Your
illness is, um.. is..

Cyril: Is what?!

The Pig: [sobs]

..terminal!

The Pigs: [crying, sobbing]

[banging/clattering]

Ralph: Oh no!

Melissa: Oh, not again!

[banging/clattering]

Bert: Hey, what's going on here?

Your faces are longer than a
line-up at a banking machine.

[giggles]

Schaeffer: It's the press again
Bert, it's broken down.

Bert: Hmmm, er um..

that old thing, huh?

Yeah, well, you know, guys,
things can't last forever.

Oh, here's the money
from my collections.

Ralph: And here's your salary.

Bert: Thanks Ralph.
Well see you guys later!

Come on, Broo.
Broo: [barks]

Bert: All work and no play
makes Bert a dull Raccoon!

Schaeffer: This press
is definitely

on its last legs, g*ng.

Boy, Broo, the g*ng sure was
down about that press.

But it won't be for long.

With Cedric investing
this money for me,

I'll have enough
to surprise them

with a brand new printing press!

Broo: [happy barking]
Bert: Yeeeehooo!

♪♪

[loud knock]

Good day, fine gentleman!
Is Cedric home?

The Pig: Master Cedric is
away at accounting camp!

Bert: Oh!

The Pig 2: But in this
time of emergency,

we've sent word for him.

Bert: Time of emergency!?

What's the matter?
Somebody die?

The Pig: [sobbing]
The Pig 2: It's the boss!

The Doctor's giving him
only a few days to live.

Bert: [laughs]

That's a good one, guys!

[laughs]

Hilarious!

Courier: Excuse me!
Hey, pardon me.

Delivery for the late
Cyril Sneer.

Bert: The late Cyril Sneer?

Courier: Well,
not quite yet, but

according to this,
it won't be long now,

if you know, what I mean.

[boing-boing-boing]
[house bell ringing]

The Pig: That's the boss.
He needs us.

Cyril: How dare you
leave your weak and

sickly employer to his deathbed?

[coughs, sneezes]

I'm fading faster
than a pair of jeans!

You three clods are forcing me

to waste my last breath on you!

[coughs] Ah!

Oh, I hope, you careless hams

aren't counting on
being in my will.

The only thing you deserve to be
in is the unemployment line!

The Pigs: Oh!
Cyril: What are you doing here?

Bert: [sadly] Death bed?!

Last breaths?

Will?!

So, it's true!

Cyril: Every word of it!

The Big Guy has
cashed in my IOU.

Bert: Geez..

Cyril: When I think of
all the lying and cheating,

I've subjected myself to,

the years I've spent
amassing my fortune,

the people close to me
I've had to push aside.

Oooh, and then I think
of the bad stuff!

[sneezes]

My only friend has been the
almighty buck, Raccoon.

But bucks don't
make great friends.

They don't remember
you once you're gone.

Is Cyril Sneer's
most lasting legacy,

bank account number 105609?

Bert: Gosh, I know
we've had a lot of

differences in the past, Cyril,

but I think we should
put them aside.

Cyril: There's nothing you
can do for me now, Raccoon.

There's nothing anyone can do.

Bert: Yes, there is!

The Pigs: [gulp]
Bert: Aaah,

a memorial could be built,

a grand testament, yeah!

Something concrete that
will leave Cyril Sneer

the most remembered
name in history.

Cyril: Ah, do you mean that?

Bert: Yes, it's the
least I can do for you.

The Pig: Hold it, Raccoon!

Where would you ever get
the money to do that?

The Pigs: Yeah!

Bert: Money is no problem!

Cedric and I have been investing

a lot of my hard earned
paper route earnings

to buy a new printing press

for the Evergreen Standard.

Cyril: A new press?!

And Cedric has
been helping you!?

Bert: Yeah! We've
almost reached our goal.

But I'll use that money
Cyril Sneer,

to erect you a monument

that'll make the pyramids
look like a corner store!

Leave it to me!

The Pig: Hey, you don't think
the boss would leave his fortune

to that middling Raccoon,
instead of us, do you?

The Pig 2:
We can't let that happen.

We've slaved for him for years.

The Pig 3: We'll just have to
out-do that Raccoon, boys!

To really impress the boss,

we'll.. why, we'll cure him!

The Pig 2: Cure him?!

But we don't even know,
what he's got!

The Pig 3: Sure, we do!
At least 4 billion!

And we're gonna get it!

The Pigs: Ooooh! Goodie!

[phone ringing]

The Pig 3: Hello?

Yes! Well, certainly!

He's what?!

When?

Oh, yes, I'll be sure
he gets the message.

The Pig 2: Who is that?

The Pig 3: The doctor's office
calling to check up on the boss!

They said that if he takes
his medicine regularly,

his cold should be
gone in no time!

The Pig 2:
What? The boss has gotta cold?!

You mean he's not dying?

The Pig 1: Oh, we'd better
tell him right away.

The Pig 3: Not so fast.
He doesn't know that.

And what the boss doesn't
know, won't k*ll him!

You see, if we can convince
him that we've cured him...

The Pig 1: [giggles]

then we're sure
will be in his will!

The Pigs: [giggling]

Ralph: Okay, keep your
fingers crossed everybody!

It's time to see how our
front page will turn out.

[reading] Beans baked by new
high-powered engine block?

Schaeffer: Ohh no,
I was afraid of that.

Melissa: Ralph,
this press has got to go.

Sophia: Gee, we've been through
such an awful lot together,

Bert: Not as much as we have

with Cyril Sneer!
Ralph: What?!

Bert: I've just come back
from a Sneer mansion and..

and.. Cyril is dying.

All: What?!
Melissa: I don't believe it!

Sophia: Mean, old Cyril Sneer?

Schaeffer: Greedy,
conniving, Cyril Sneer?

Ralph: Scheming, tight-
fisted, Cyril Sneer?

Bert: Cedric's dad!

Melissa: Ohh, poor Cedric!

Ralph: How's he taking it?

Sophia: [gasps] Cedric's
away at accounting camp!

Does he know yet?

Bert: They've sent for him,

but since he can't be here,

we'll have to act the way
he would if he were here.

Ralph: What can we do?

Melissa: Cedric would make the
last days of his father's life

his best days and that's
what we're going to do.

Bert: Yeah! By building
Cyril Sneer a legacy!

We'll make sure
he's remembered forever!

♪♪

The Pig: In order
to convince the boss,

it's got to look
like real medicine.

The Pig 1: And taste like it!

[glug-glug-glug]

Aaachhh! Ah-oh-aaah!

This stuff tastes like the
inside of a shoe. Ech!

The Pig 3:
Then what are we waiting for?

Cyril: How's my legacy coming?

Bert: Well, uhm..on..

Cyril: Tell me, what size is it?

Bert: Um, I-I'm not sure yet.

Cyril: Ah! Keeping it a
surprise. Ha. How thoughful.

The Pig: We've done it!
We've done it!

Cyril: Done what?!
The Pig: We found a cure!

The Pig 2: Here, Sir, try it.

Cyril: Well, I suppose,
I've got nothing to lose.

[gulp-gulp-gulp]

[coughs]

Except my lunch!

The Pig: Gee, you're looking
better already, Sir.

Well, perhaps it could use

a little fine tuning.

♪♪

Bert: It sure was nice of Cyril
to let me use the library

to research his monument.

The Bear: Ahem.

These are the books

the boss wants you
to look at, Sir.

Bert: Hmm...

'Statues through the ages',

'Statues as a lasting monument
to true greatness'.

Wow, this is just, what I need!

Hey, look at this!

Hmmm...

That's it!

The perfect monument
for Cyril Sneer!

Yaaahooo!

[gulp-gulp]

[coughing]

The Pigs: Oiiiink!

Cyril: [coughing]

The Pig: Am I correct in
assuming that this medicine

didn't make you feel
any better, Sir?

[coughing]

[bam!- crush!]

[phone ringing]

Cyril: Hello?

Yes, of course,
this is Cyril Sneer.

[coughs] Well,
what's left of him.

Dr. Canard, what do you want?

You want your bill paid?!

Need to pay off your green fees?

How dare you saddle me
with bills when I'm dying?

What?!
[ka-boing-bam]

You mean, I'm not dying?

I've only got a cold?

Ha-haaa! In that case,
I'll pay you

when I'm good and ready,
you overbearing quack!

[slam]

I'm going to live!
I'm going to live!

I'm going to...
[knock-knock]

The Bear:
Bert Raccoon is here, sir.

Bert: Sorry it took me
so long, Cyril,

but I finally found the
perfect memorial for you!

Cyril: Ohh... you have?

How touching.

But it'll have to be quick.

I'm going fast.

Bert: It's going
to be tough to do.

Cyril: Oh, but if
anybody can do the job,

it's you,
my little raccoon buddy.

I know you won't be wasting
your time on any itsy bitsy

little monument, will you?

Bert: Certainly not. I'll be
working 'round the clock

to get every cent I can.

[slam!]

Cyril: This is it! By using
that lame-brained rodent,

I'll be getting the
best of both worlds.

That newspaper will be
history, and so will I!

[laughs]

♪♪

Bert: Well Broo,
here we go again!

Another day, another dollar.

♪♪

♪ Turn back the hands
of time tonight ♪

♪♪

♪ Turn 'round the score while
there's still time ♪

♪♪

♪ Can't you hear our song
on the radio? ♪

♪ Song on the radio

♪♪

♪ Turn back the sands of time,
it's late ♪

♪♪

♪ We're all alone and the
night can't wait ♪

♪♪

♪ Where are the friends
we used to know? ♪

♪ Friends we used to know

♪♪

♪♪
[gentle snoring]

♪♪
[loud snoring]

♪ Stop the clock,
it's now or never ♪

♪ Hold me close before
it slips away ♪

♪♪

♪ Stop the clock or
it's lost forever ♪

♪ What we've got is more
than words can say ♪

♪ Stop the clock

Melissa: How's your tribute
to Cyril coming along, Ralph?

Ralph: Oh fine, fine.

Let me read you
what I've got so far.

[reading] When all
is said and done,

one can honestly say,

that Cyril Sneer
was truly, truly...

Melissa: Yes?
Ralph: That's as far as I got.

Do you think it's too long?

Bert: Aaah!
Sophia: Bert, are you alright?

You look absolutely exhausted.

Bert: [sighs]

Well, I am a little tired.

Melissa: I think
it would be best

if you went to bed right away.

Bert: No time, Melissa.

I'm working the next shift.

Melissa: Hmm.. What is he up to?

Cyril: No, I don't wanna
buy any of that stock!

[knock-knock]
Who is it?!

Bert: It's me, Bert Raccoon.

Cyril: Well get...

[weakly]
...in here right away.

I-I feel I'm fading fast.

Ohh Bert, Bert Raccoon?

Is that you?
[coughs]

My eyes, they're
so old and feeble.

[coughs]

Bert: I'm afraid I've got
some bad news for you, Cyril.

Cyril: Bad news?

Bert: I'm doing
everything I can,

but even at this rate,

I won't be able to
get the monument

for at least a month!

Cyril: A month?!

Bert: It just doesn't
look like I'm going to get

all the money together in time.

Cyril: Nonsense!
[weakly] Uh, I mean...

Perhaps I can help you out.

♪♪

Will this do the trick?

Bert: I'll say!

And it'll help buy the plaque
I thought I'd never get!

Telling the whole world
all about Cyril Sneer.

Cyril: Will it be ready
for the tribute tonight?

Bert: Tonight?! Tonight?

Cyril: Yes, I plan the last
gathering with my close friends.

So you must hurry, Bert.

Hurry. My time is almost up.

The Pigs: Time for
the next cure, Sir.

Cyril: You see, I was right.

[gulps]

[coughs]

The Pig: Back to the lab.

Cyril: [coughing]

I've done it!
Not only will that check

guarantee me my statue
with a plaque,

but that Raccoon has
spent all his savings!

That printing press
and that newspaper

are junkyard material!

[laughs]

[laughs]
Snag: [chuckles]

♪♪

- Ladies and gentlemen,

we are gathered here
this evening

for a sad occasion.

To honor one of
Evergreen Forests'

most venerable citizens.

Won't you please welcome

our distinguished
guest of honor,

Cyril Sneer.

[smattering of applause]

Cyril: Let the tributes begin.

Ralph: Ehm-ehm.
Ode to Cyril Sneer,

by Ralph Raccoon.

Four score and $7 billion
dollars ago,

Cyril Sneer set forth
into the world..

...we can honestly say

that Cyril Sneer
was without a doubt,

truly pink.

[applause]

Cyril: Bravo!

Wh-what a beautiful speech!

Where is Bert?

Melissa: Ehm-ehm..

We've heard about
Cyril Sneer in words.

Now let's remember him
through pictures.

Oops.

Here is 5 year old
Cyril and his father.

Dad is asking for an
advance on his allowance.

At age 7, Cyril's family
moves to a new home.

Cyril has evicted them.

[audience booing]
Cyril: Ooh, I'm fading fast!

Melissa: Um, here's Cyril at 10,

Cyril at 15,

Cyril at 20,

Cyril: I'm fading faster!

Melissa: 30, 40, 50..

[poof!]

Cyril: [laughs]

Schaeffer: ♪ Should old
aquaintance be forgot ♪

Cyril: Where is that
blasted Raccoon?

It would be just like him,

to skip town with my cash!

♪♪
[applause]

- And now, for the moment

you've all been waiting for.

Cyril: It's about time!

The Pigs: For another cure!

Cyril: The only thing that's
gonna be cured around here

is you hams!

[gulping the cure]

Please excuse the interruption.
Do go on.

Bert: Um-oh, okay.

Cyril Sneer,

responsible for so many
memorable moments

in everybody's life.

And responsible for...

Cyril: ...your demise!
Audience: [gasp]

Cyril: [laughing]

Bert: Mr Sneer, you shouldn't
be running around like that.

Cyril: Ha-ha, I've
never felt better!

Bert: You're not dying?!

Cyril: Dying?
The only death knells

that'll be ringing around here
are for your newspaper.

Your monument to me has
put you out of business.

Ha-haaa!

Audience: Oooh!

Ralph: It's a new
printing press!

Bert: It was thanks
to your generosity,

that I got idea, Cyril.

You let me look
around your library,

and there, it hit me!

That the printed
word is handed down

from generation to generation.

It lasts forever!

So, this is our tribute to you!

[applause]
The Cyril Sneer

Memorial Printing Press!

[applause]

[gulping the cure]

[thud]

Ralph: Gee, Bert, that was
awfully thoughtful of you,

saving your money to buy
a printing press.

Bert: Aaah, I was only doing

what I thought
was best for everyone,

Cyril Sneer included.

Ah, well, I'm exhausted.

Melissa: Good night, Bert!
Bert: Good night, guys.

♪♪

Narrator: The Cyril Sneer
Memorial Printing Press,

would toil on for years.

Yet, no matter how greasy
or soiled it got,

the plaque always seemed
to glow and shimmer.

Almost, as if it had been
just recently polished

by loving hands.

Cyril: Oh!

♪ [show theme music]

♪♪

♪ When darkness falls

♪ Leaving shadows in the night

♪♪

♪ Don't be afraid

♪ Wipe that fear
from your eyes. ♪

♪♪

♪ A desperate love

♪♪

♪ Keeps on driving you wrong.

♪♪

♪ Don't be afraid.

♪♪

♪ You're not alone.

♪♪

♪ You can run with us

♪♪

♪ We've got
everything you need ♪

♪♪

♪ Run with us

♪♪

♪ We are free

♪♪

♪ Come with us

♪♪

♪ I see passion in your eyes

♪ Run with us

♪♪