[light electronic music]
[rousing fanfare music]
[horse hooves pounding]
[horse hooves pounding]
[gong clangs]
[majestic orchestral music]
- As the parish records clearly show,
Dame Ethel had but one
son, Liones, myself.
Therefore, since Sir William
had only a girl for offspring,
I, as his next male of kin,
should inherit all his worldly
possessions, am I right?
- Correct.
It is the law of primogeniture.
Custom from time immemorial.
- Sire, I have some
intelligence on this matter.
- Well, Master Merlin?
- The lady in question, I
believe Lilith is her name,
was barely 14 years of age
at the time her father became an invalid,
yet not only did she take over
the running of his estate,
but she has since turned it into one
of the beauty spots of the realm.
- What is that to do with the law?
- Sire, Sir William left a will.
May I?
[scroll rustling]
"The last will and testament,
"know all men by these
present, et cetera, et cetera,
"I, Sir William Goodhew,
"do give and bequeath to my
daughter, Lilith, all goods,
"lands, and appurtenances
of which I die possessed.
"Let no man who feareth
the roth of a just God
"do v*olence to this decision.
"I hereby sign and seal.
- Preposterous!
A woman inherit an estate?
- And yet there's some merit in this case.
Her father wishes to leave
his daughter something,
has he not that right?
or other movable estate.
Land belongs to the nearest male heir.
- Well, I am afraid that Sir
Liones has the law on his side.
And yet I wish there was some compromise,
whereby Sir Liones
and the Lady Lilith could
share in the estate.
- [Merlin] Sire.
- Um, Sir Liones, you are
as yet unwed, I believe.
- True, milord.
- Well, wouldn't it be a
happy solution to this problem
if you and the Lady Lilith were to, uh...
- I did propose marriage, sire,
but my affections were not returned.
You don't know the Lady Lilith, milord.
She's not a woman, she's- she's a monster!
She's more male than female!
- Well, if that's the way you feel,
I have no choice but to
grant you your inheritance.
- Thank you, milord.
And have I got Your Majesty's permission
to take Castle Goodhew by storm?
[book slamming shut]
- No, you have not!
Why should that be necessary?
- Because if I know the Lady Lilith,
she'll not let me near the place.
- Nevertheless, we've had enough of wars.
Sir Lancelot,
you will ride to Castle
Goodhew with Sir Liones,
and communicate our
decision to the Lady Lilith.
You will be responsible to
see that she removes herself
within a reasonable length of time,
and turns all rights and
possessions over to Sir Liones.
Without bloodshed.
- Sire, it shall be done.
[dramatic orchestral music]
[rousing orchestral music]
[birds chirping]
I've never seen such a
prosperous-looking place.
You're a lucky man, Sir Liones.
You must've had an excellent overseer.
- Hm! I still think we
should storm the place.
You don't know this woman,
she'll fight to the last ditch.
- You let me handle this.
[door knocking]
- One moment.
[gentle light music]
[hatch clunking]
Yes?
- Might I have an
audience with Lady Lilith
of Goodhew Castle?
- I am Lady Lilith.
- Oh. My name is Lancelot.
- Sir Lancelot of the Lake?
- [Sir Lancelot] That's right, milady.
- Won't you come in?
- Thank you.
I am accompanied by Sir Liones.
- Why?
- King Arthur has asked me
to settle this question of the castle.
- One moment.
[hatch slams]
[hatch clunks]
[water splashes]
[bright upbeat music]
[Sir Lancelot puffing]
I know how you men settle these affairs.
And you, Sir Lancelot, for shame!
[hatch slams]
[Sir Lancelot groans]
[Sir Liones laughing]
- You are right, Sir Liones!
We'll tear this castle
apart stone by stone!
- Oh, I wouldn't do that.
I mean, uh, perhaps we ought
to give her one more warning?
- Nonsense!
Ah!
Ah, perhaps we can do something with this.
[both straining]
Well, don't just stand
there, Brian, give us a hand!
[group grunting]
The woman isn't civilized
at all, she's a savage.
Right!
[bright suspenseful music]
[log thuds]
Again!
[bright suspenseful music]
[log thuds]
Right?
- [Sir Liones] Yes.
- [Sir Lancelot] This is it!
[bright suspenseful music]
[door crashing]
[water splashing]
[Sir Lancelot and Sir Liones flailing]
[Sir Lancelot and Sir Liones groaning]
- Tell your knights they may
bathe as long as they like,
then they may leave.
- [sighs] "Without bloodshed."
[water splashes]
[plunger thudding]
- Where are your knights?
- They're changing their clothes, milady.
- Call me Lilith.
What's your name?
- Brian.
[light folk music]
- All right?
- Mm. It's delicious.
You're beautiful.
- Why thank you, Brian.
That seems to surprise you. Why?
- Well, the way they talked about you,
I thought you were going to
look rather more like a man.
- And I don't?
- No, you're not like a man at all.
- That's one of the nicest things
I've ever had said to me. [chuckles]
Come along, Brian, we've
got a mare to shoe.
[hammer tapping]
- Can we give you a hand, milady?
- [Lilith] Why?
- Oh.
- Lilith would you stop that,
and listen to what we have to say to you?
- [Abel] Milady.
- [Lilith] Yes, Abel?
- The mortar is ready.
- I'm sorry, gentlemen,
but you know how quickly mortar sets.
Come along, Brian.
- I think it's just right.
- What do you think, Brian?
- I don't really know.
- How do they treat you at Camelot?
- Well, milady.
- Call me Lilith.
All we want is a mortar
that will bind stone for 1,000 years.
Don't we, gentlemen?
Stand ready now.
Lower away.
Oh, easy there.
[stone scrapping]
Easy there.
[hammer taps]
- Perhaps I ought to let her finish this.
Useful work, you know?
- Lady Lilith, it is necessary
that we speak to you.
I am here on the king's business.
- You must be thirsty
after your long ride.
- [sighs] Well, I am rather dry.
- If you'll be good enough to follow me.
- You go and look after the horses.
[wine trickling]
- Properly aged, no sugar added.
[wine trickling]
- That's the best I've ever tasted.
- It's easy when you know how.
I'm a vintner.
I'm also blacksmith, master mason,
chef, seneschal, gardener.
- Well, it certainly seems a
pity that so talented a lady-
- Not that I'm available.
I have too much to do here.
- Oh, that's exactly the point, Lilith.
This place is too big for a woman.
- Have I failed in some way?
- That's not the point.
- What is the point?
- Well, the point is,
this place belongs to me.
- Why?
- You tell her why.
- Well, it's the law, milady.
From time immemorial, it
has given the inheritance
to the closest in the male line.
- Why?
- I'm not a lawyer, milady.
I'm simply an agent of
the king doing my duty.
- That's your duty.
My duty is to the land my
father left in my care.
I shall develop it.
I shall cherish it.
And I shall defend it with
my life, if necessary!
- I told you. There's
no reasoning with her.
Stop running away from us, Lilith.
- Can you count up an account, milord?
- [Sir Liones] Hm?
- Here are the expenses
for the past two weeks at the castle.
- My seneschal will handle such matters.
- And cheek you roundly, as you deserve.
I know the cost and the worth
of everything in this place.
- You are a devil.
A devil not even in woman's garments.
You're a disgrace to your sex.
- Why? What should I be?
Lazy? Stupid?
Easier to keep in my place?
- [Sir Liones] You might
try being feminine.
- What does that mean?
- Nature didn't create women equal to men.
Man protects woman because...
Well, because...
Well, she thinks with her
emotions, instead of her mind.
- In other words, I should weep,
instead of calmly pointing
out that I deserve this castle
since I can rule it better than you can.
- Don't tempt me, madam!
- Truth stands up under the hardest blows.
And thinking with the emotions
seems to be confined to women.
- Perhaps I can speak to the lady alone?
- Gladly!
- Lady Lilith, I just want you to know
that during the short
time that I've been here,
I've come to appreciate
your point of view.
You're a woman of great
ability and considerable charm.
- Thank you.
- You're also a very good-looking girl.
[light gentle music]
- I might've known that Sir Lancelot,
the most famous of the
Knights of the Round Table,
would be on my side.
Can you forgive me for the water?
- Now, milady, don't misunderstand me.
- Not I.
The minstrels who come
here all sing of you.
They say not only that
you are young, handsome,
and a great warrior, but gentle,
thoughtful, sweet as well.
Those are qualities not
often found in a man,
yet most desired by women.
- Lady Lilith, you're being
outrageously flattering.
- No, please, believe me.
Busy as my days are, that
lonely are my nights.
Had it not been for the hope
that someday you might pass this way,
I might've said yes to Sir Liones
when he asked to marry him.
- Why didn't your father
jump at the chance?
It would've solved everything.
- Father left it for me
to decide, and I said no.
- Why?
- Because of you.
- Surely, you don't believe
all that rot the minstrels sing about me?
- Now that we've met, more than ever.
- Milady.
Milady, I wonder if I could
impose upon your hospitality
for dinner tonight?
- [Lilith] You're welcome for
as long as you want to stay.
I'll have a room prepared.
- Thank you.
[birds chirping]
[light thoughtful music]
Gonna stay here tonight, Brian.
- Good.
Isn't she wonderful?
- She's a remarkable girl.
- Sir Lancelot, do you
know any reason why,
if a man and a woman get married
and she happens to be a
few years older than he,
any reason why the marriage
shouldn't be a happy one?
- Not if they're in love with each other.
Marriage is the right answer, all right.
- Of course, we'll have
to wait a few years.
- We can't, it must be now.
Tonight, we must make Lady Lilith
fall in love with Sir Liones.
My belief is that he already
has a soft spot for her,
although he hides it.
- You want her to marry that ogre?
- Oh, I know she's far too good for him,
but she will get the castle this way.
- She doesn't want him,
she's attracted to a
different type of man.
- Purely a romantic attachment?
Now, listen, Brian,
I want you to act as Sir Liones' squire.
I want you to see that
he's shaved, bathed,
polished to a high shine.
- She still won't have him.
I know where her heart lies.
- Brian, you and I are here
on the king's business.
Personal feelings do not
enter into this at all.
- Yes, sir.
- Oh, and Brian,
if I happen to be a bit strange
tonight, don't you worry.
[rousing fanfare music]
[light whimsical music]
- There you are, sir.
That's the way the
knights at Camelot do it.
- Hm.
Well, now that I've got
an estate of my own,
I suppose I'd better live up to it.
I never did study proper manners.
- You watch Sir Lancelot,
that way you can't go wrong.
- [Lilith] Good evening.
- Well, why can't you look
like that in the daytime?
- I might say the same for you.
- Well, thank Brian.
"Sir Lancelot does this.
Sir Lancelot wears that."
- [Lilith] You could learn
a great deal from him,
but you look very nice.
Where is Sir Lancelot?
- Oh, good evening. [yawns]
Oh, I was fast asleep.
Someone said the food was
on, I'm as hungry as a bear.
- Of course, you are, you had a full day.
As we're all friends, there's
no reason in the world
for you to change for supper.
- "Change?"
What, you mean to eat food? [laughing]
[Sir Lancelot grunting]
[feet thudding]
- You're absolutely right, Sir Lancelot.
There are so many much
more important things
for really big people to
concern themselves with.
- Then why did you put on that fancy gown,
and do all those curlicue
things with your hair?
That's what I want to know.
- I simply thought I would show you
that I can be feminine
as well as efficient.
I did it to prove a point.
Eh, Sir Lancelot?
- [Sir Lancelot] Hm? Mm!
- Mm. Lilith, this is delicious.
- Oh, thank you, Liones.
A simple little gigot,
but I think the shallot
makes it rather nice.
Do you find it to your
tastes, Sir Lancelot?
- Eh?
Oh, the meat.
Well, food's food, you know,
as far as I'm concerned.
[Sir Lancelot munching]
- Yes, quite.
That's all some men think
about, their stomachs.
Watch them, you'd think we live to eat,
rather than the other way around.
- [munching] Well, that's better!
[grunts] Take a break for exercise.
[Sir Lancelot grunting]
Well, Sir Liones, how about
a little swordplay, eh?
- You mean, here? Now?
[hand thuds]
- Yes, please.
A little after supper relaxation.
All right?
[hands smacking]
Brian, fetch our swords.
[light whimsical music]
- If I might ask, sir, what are you up to?
- I want to disillusion her.
If I can make him more acceptable,
maybe she'll marry him.
- Oh, I see.
[swords clanging]
- There you are, Sir
Liones, take your choice.
- Well, this hardly seems
the time or the place.
- Oh, come on, Liones!
[drum roll music]
[Sir Lancelot yells]
[swords clanking]
[lively upbeat music]
- Isn't he marvelous?
- You haven't seen anything yet.
[swords clanging]
- Oh, oh, oh, oh! Enough, enough!
Oh! My goodness, your
blade moved like the wind!
[Sir Liones laughs]
- Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
- What?
- Don't have an ounce
of gentleness in you.
All you're good for is
breaking heads with your sword!
- Oh, no! I give up!
- We'll get a damp cloth for your head,
you'll feel fine again in no time. [huffs]
- I told you it wasn't the time.
- Brian, I'm beaten.
I'm afraid this young
lady's lost her castle.
- Not if I can help it.
I think I know a way.
She won't have to marry
Sir Liones after all.
[Sir Liones snoring]
[light suspenseful music]
[Brian groaning]
[Brian moaning]
[Brian groaning]
[Brian groaning]
- Who're you?
- Don't you know me, Sir Liones?
I am Sir Goodhew.
- Sir Goodhew?
You're dead.
- But my ghost walks.
You have taken Castle
Goodhew from my daughter,
and I shall walk it every night,
[groans] even though my
poor feet are like ice.
May I warm them in your bed?
- Go away.
Go away, I'm- I'm leaving.
I wouldn't have a haunted
castle if you paid me!
- Then I can go to sleep then. [yawns]
[lively dramatic music]
[Brian thuds]
Tricky thing, stilts.
- Why you!
- Leave the boy alone!
[Sir Liones groaning]
- Enough!
Men.
Brawling beasts, rather.
Get out of my castle, both of you.
- You played the wrong
card this time, milady,
you should not mock the dead.
- What do you mean?
- She didn't put me up
to it, Sir Lancelot.
It was my own idea, and I'm not ashamed.
I'm for Lady Lilith now and forever.
- He appeared as your father's ghost.
Very effective, I must say.
- Brian.
- Well, he half believed it
until I tripped and gave it away.
- I wasn't taken in for a moment.
What I want to know is, is
this castle mine or not?
- By the law of primogeniture, yes.
- And by the law of chivalry?
- Chivalry begins with
obedience to my king.
- And your king told you
to get her out of it.
- I'm afraid so.
It's almost dawn, milady,
should we make ready to go?
- You stay.
You're two of a kind.
Like all men, you talk of chivalry
and cheat a girl out of
everything that belongs to her.
All right.
- Wait. I'll come with you.
- As you choose.
I ask no favors.
[tense dramatic music]
- I'll saddle the horses.
- It's the law.
[birds chirping]
- Lady Lilith, I don't
know how to say this
but if ever I can be
of any help to you I...
[horn blaring]
- What the devil are you doing down there?
- Chivalry, milord.
I'm blowing the challenge horn.
- Lilith, if you're going, please go!
That horn should only be blown by someone
who challenges the lord of
the manor to mortal combat.
- That's precisely what I'm doing.
Do you also realize that
if you refuse to fight,
you forfeit your right to the castle?
- But I can't fight a girl!
Lancelot, tell her that!
- He must fight me.
- But you're a woman,
you can't fight a man.
- Let him do his worst.
I said I'd die rather than give
up my home, and I meant it!
- Ridiculous!
- Take your choice!
Defend yourself or wear
the name of a coward!
- I'll be there!
- This is preposterous!
- Oh, Lancelot, be a good
friend and lend me your sword.
Also, I suppose I'll need a helmet.
- This has gone quite far enough!
You're coming with me, young
lady, and no further argument!
- Let me go! I will not
be bullied, do you hear?
- Well, if you want to
make things difficult!
- Put me down!
- How dare you, sir!
- What do you mean?
- What do you mean? That's what I mean!
Unhand that lady, or else answer to me!
- Sir Lion-
- Enough! No more!
The b*ating I gave you last
night will be as nothing
compared to what I'm
going to do to you now
for this outrage on a
gentle, helpless lady.
- Helpless?
[Lilith thuds]
- Defend yourself, Sir Lancelot.
[dramatic orchestral music]
[swords clanking]
[swords clanking]
[swords clanking]
[swords clanking]
[birds chirping]
All right. All right,
Lancelot, go on, strike.
- The castle's yours, Liones.
Shall we go, milady?
- You brute!
You bully!
[gentle thoughtful music]
Attacking this poor, gentle boy.
- Lilith!
- The horses are ready, Sir Lancelot.
What's this mean?
- It means our mission is accomplished.
Not, I'm afraid, completely
without bloodshed.
[light gentle music]
[rousing orchestral music]
[lively upbeat music]
♪ Now, listen to my story ♪
♪ Yes, listen while I sing ♪
♪ Of days of old in England ♪
♪ When Arthur was the king ♪
♪ In days of old ♪
♪ When knights were bold ♪
♪ The stories told of Lancelot ♪
[light electronic music]