900x01 - The Mike Judge Collection 101

Post by **bunniefuu** » 03/10/24 15:57

(Butt-Head laughing)

(Beavis laughing)

(school bell ringing)

Bueno, recuerden por favor, clase.

Siempre contestan en Español.

Bueno?

Señor Butt-Head, como es Juan?

Uh...

Burritos?

No, no, no.

Como es Juan?

Como es Juan?

Uh... Guacamole.

No, no.

Señor Beavis, como es Juan?

Um... Spaghetti.

Spaghetti?

Spaghetti?

That's Italian, you moron.

Damn it, you idiots have been in this class

for almost a whole school year

and the only Spanish you know is what you learned at Taco Bell.

And Beavis can't even get that right.

I'm gonna give you little bastards just ten seconds

to come up with a sentence in Spanish

and if you can't you're both going to the principal's office

and you're both flunking.

Well, I'm waiting.

Uh...

(speaking gibberish) ... Rico Suave.

Principal's office, now!

Uh, taco supreme!

Get out-- Now!

(spitball ricocheting, shattering)

(laughing)

Ahh!

Whoa!

That was cool.

It really does happen.

(laughing)

Okay, Armstrong?

(Armstrong) Here.

Armejo?

(Armejo) Present.

Bacca? (Bacca) Yo.

Butkis.

(Butkis) Here.

(laughing)

Damn it, what's wrong with you two?

We've been in school over seven months now and every single day

when I call Daniel Butkis' name, you guys have to laugh.

Is it really still that funny?

(laughing)

Doesn't it ever get old?

Are you gonna laugh for the rest of your lives

every time someone says the name "Butkis"?

(laughing)

That does it.

Principal's office, now!

Therefore, we can say that any two amoeba are identical twins

since they all have the same genetic makeup.

They are all the same sex and can reproduce by themselves.

(laughing)

So all sperm cells contain either an X chromosome

or a Y chromosome and...

She said "sperm."

Depending on which sperm cell fertilizes the egg...

I said, depending on which sperm cell fertilizes the egg,

the zygote will be either male or female.

Shut up!

(laughing)

McVicker's office, now!

(laughing)

Oh, you guys think this is funny?

You've been to four classes today

and you've been sent here four times.

And this laughing thing,

what the hell is with this laughing thing?

All the teachers are sick of it.

Mr. Sherman, your history teacher,

says he's completely given up on trying to teach

your class about the Gay Nineties.

(laughing)

See, see?

Now that's exactly what I'm talking about.

You are both suspended for a week!

Uh...

What's that mean?

It means, I--

I don't want to see you anywhere near this school

for a whole week.

Cool.

(imitating guitar riffs) Shut up!

Forget it.

No, no, you're not suspended, no.

I've got a better idea.

Yeah.

I'm gonna get you guys this time.

(laughing)

(laughing)

So Beavis and Butt-Head.

I understand Mr. McVicker has made

a little arrangement with you guys.

Yeah, a little probation.

You see, class, Beavis and Butt-Head here

are not allowed to laugh for a whole week.

That's right, and if they do laugh, they'll be expelled

and they'll have to go to Hope High School

where they'll get their asses kicked

on a daily basis by all the other delinquents, ha ha ha!

(all laughing)

Well, I was real glad to hear that,

because this is sex education week.

(stifled laughter) That's right-- Sex ed week.

We're gonna be talking about the penis!

We'll be talking about the vag*na!

Do you think that's funny, Butt-Head

Do you find it amusing that we'll be talking

about the testicles?

(stifled laughter)

Yes, we're also gonna be talking about venereal disease!

Sexual intercourse and-and we will definitely be spending

a lot of time talking about masturbation!

(laughing)

Well, now that that's out of the way, let's take roll.

Butkis!

Here. (laughing)

Gaylord! (stifled laughter)

Hyman! (stifled laughter)

(bell rings)

(frantically laughing)

(laughing)

Then he said "penis."

Yeah, then he said "masturbation."

Then he said "vag*na."

That was cool.

**

Now, you'll only be painting the trim

and if I see so much as a drop of paint anywhere's else,

you'll clean it up and it'll come out of your pay.

I don't want to see a whole lot of brush strokes

and bubbles neither.

You know, back when I was in the service,

they'd throw a fella in the brig for messing up a paint job.

Now, I'll be back in a while to see how you're doing.

This sucks. Yeah.

Check it out, Butt-Head.

Cool.

No way, dude!

Bunghole! Peckerwood.

Don't bogart it, dude!

(laughing)

(laughing)

(laughing)

(meowing)

Paint its butt!

(laughing)

That looks cool.

(laughing)

Hey, Butt-Head!

Check it out!

(laughing)

Check this out.

That looks cool.

(laughing)

(Both) Breaking the law, breaking the law!

(laughing)

Let's burn something.

Breaking the law, breaking the law!

Hey, I forgot to tell you boys there's some paint thinner

over by the--

What the...

Let's take this thing over to Stuart's house and mow stuff.

(siren approaching)

One of 'em calls himself Butthole.

The other one's name is Joe, I think.

And what did these boys look like?

I believe they were oriental.

(shattering)

That was cool.

Let's go mow Stuart's living room.

**

Now, I want you boys to prune both of these trees

up front here and I, uh...

(laughing)

Hey, you boys look familiar.

Aren't you the ones that ran off with my riding mower last week?

Uh, no.

(laughing)

You the ones that painted my cat's butt?

No.

(laughing)

Well, the cops'll get 'em.

Luckily, I've got homeowner's insurance.

You've got what?

(laughing)

Homeowner's insurance.

(laughing)

Now, have you boys done any pruning before?

Yeah. (laughing)

You know, back when I was your age,

I'd work hours a day pruning trees

and still have time to come home and mow the lawn.

I'll be back in a while to see how you're doing.

Remember, it ain't what you cut, it's what you don't cut.

What a dork.

Yeah.

(laughing)

Boy, oh, boy.

What I wouldn't give for five minutes alone

with those little bastards that took my mower.

Hey, Butt-Head, do you think a man will ever land on Uranus?

Maybe on your anus.

(laughing)

What are y'all doing?

Choking your chicken?

Come on, let's get to pruning.

What are we supposed to do again?

Uh... I forgot.

Oh, yeah, I think we're supposed to, like,

cut off the branches.

All of them?

Yeah, I guess.

Cool!

Hey, since we gotta cut off all the branches,

let's just cut it right down here.

Yeah.

Then we get 'em all at once.

You're pretty smart, Butt-Head.

Yeah.

Maybe he'll pay us extra.

Yeah, that would be cool.

**

(crashing)

Whoa!

That was cool!

(laughing)

Yeah.

This chainsaw kicks ass.

Pruning is cool!

Yeah!

Let's go prune some power lines.

(laughing)

(imitating guitar riffs)

(laughing)

We're gonna have to charge you extra, sir.

Yeah, we pruned the house, too.

(laughing)

That was cool.

(laughing)

This court is now in session.

I know you've been sworn, sir, and I have read your complaint.

It's my turn to be the judge, ass-wipe!

Oh, yeah.

(laughing)

Okay.

This court is now in session.

How do you please to these charges of, uh...

Trespassing.

(laughing)

Oh, yeah.

Trespassing.

And buzzing around and getting in my face and stuff.

How do you please to these charges against you?

The defense rests!

(laughing)

Shut up!

Okay.

I hereby sentence the defendant to death by...

uh...

Death by, uh...

Saw off his tweeter!

Breaking the law, breaking the law!

Breaking the law, breaking the law!

(laughing)

That was cool.

**

Okay, comfy, Mr. Swinerton?

Oh, yes, I'm fine.

(laughing)

That guy's old.

You're just being nice to my rich husband

so he'll put you in his will.

(announcer) Tune in tomorrow for another episode

of "The Rich and the Horny."

Hey, Butt-Head, do we know any old guys?

Mr. Anderson!

Yeah!

We're there.

(doorbell buzzing)

Hey, Mr. Anderson, are you gonna die pretty soon?

(laughing)

Yeah.

And leave all your money to someone?

That would be cool.

(laughing)

Boys, every man faces death.

Lord knows I've faced it many times.

I took lead at Anzio.

I was napalmed in Korea.

And boy, that little filly in "Paree" put an awful strain

on my ticker, I tell you what.

On your what?

(laughing)

Yep, boys, I've arm-wrestled

with death all my life, but it's been a good life

and when the grim reaper comes a-knockin',

this van'll stop rockin'.

So... are you gonna die soon?

Yes, boys, I'm afraid it's inevitable.

Cool!

So, uh, you got any, like, chores you want us to do?

Yeah!

We won't charge you nothing.

(dog barking)

Well, that's mighty nice of you boys.

Let's see here...

Well, you could give Collette here a bath.

She ain't been feeling well lately.

She's been rolling around in her own sick.

Smells like teen spirit.

Smells like your butt.

(laughing)

Okay, dude, we'll be back.

(laughing)

This is gonna be cool.

Yeah.

(laughing)

(laughing)

It says "load."

(laughing)

Hey, Butt-Head, these things cost money.

That sucks.

Boys, would you do me a favor and watch my laundry

while I go to the store?

Uh, are you gonna die pretty soon?

I'm sorry, son, I can't hear you.

You have to speak up.

Never mind, we'll watch your stuff.

(laughing)

Look, an old lady's panties.

(groaning)

It's a poodle.

Set it on "delicate."

(laughing)

This is gonna be cool.

(laughing)

Washing the dog, washing the dog!

Washing the dog, washing the dog!

(laughing)

Think she's clean yet?

Yeah, take her out.

Whoa, check it out.

She's stoned.

Yeah.

(laughing)

(laughing)

(Butt-Head) Hey, cool.

Hey, Beavis, I just made my pants dirtier.

(Beavis) Hey, look out the window.

Those people can see us.

Ahh!

Yeah.

To them, my face looks like a sock.

(machine winds down)

(imitating guitar riffs)

I barfed on the dog.

I barfed on you.

That was cool.

Let's go.

Doing chores wipes me out.

You said "wipe."

(laughing)

(sniffing)

She smells worse than when I gave her to you.

I don't smell nothing.

We used a special new dog detergent.

Lemon-scented chunks.

(laughing)

Well, detergent ain't enough, boys.

You gotta use good old elbow grease.

We used, uh, stomach grease.

You know, it's like the story of the two frogs

who fell in a pan of boiling milk.

One of 'em said "I'm done for," and he gave up and d*ed.

The other one started flapping his little froggy arms,

flapping his arms, flapping his arms, 'til finally,

he was standing on a big chunk of cheese.

Whoa!

We gotta try that.

Yeah... Got any milk?

All's I'm saying is you boys have to get up

off your butts and work harder.

Hey, it was free, ass-wipe.

That's it.

Get your worthless hides off my property

and don't ever come back!

Uh...

Okay, but, uh, we got just one question.

Get out!

Uh...

(laughing)

Can we be in your will?

**

Toxic debris from the blast

may have settled in the reservoir,

poisoning the entire county's water supply.

Uh... No, that's not it, change it.

As many as two dozen vehicles were sent

plunging into the icy depths

and we've just received word that the list

may include a busload of missionaries--

That isn't it.

And we can now confirm that the roof collapse here

at the Megadome has trapped all , sports fans within.

That's it, that's it!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

...any may not be known for hours or even days,

but the carnage, the tragedy,

the heartbreak, the misery, the sorrow, the waste,

the human suffering are incomprehensible.

(both) Yes!

These nachos are good.

Yeah.

Nachos rule.

(laughing)

Hey, Butt-Head, check it out.

Cool.

Where's the pre-schoolers at

who parked their sucky little trikes in my space?

If my arm wasn't so sore from my new tattoo,

I'd smear both your asses all over the parking lot.

Whoa!

Cool.

Give me your cherry fruity whips and those nachos

and I might not shove these handlebars up your butt!

Okay.

Todd's cool.

Yeah, I think he likes us.

Yeah, let's go hang with him.

(music playing)

Hi, excuse me, we're playing over on the courts there

and the music is kind of getting in the way

of our concentration.

Any chance of getting it turned down?

No.

Yeah, I was just wondering, because I really don't see

why you can't enjoy your rock music

at a slightly lower volume.

(turns music down)

All right, thanks a bunch.

Have a real nice day, okay?

(turns music up)

Why didn't Todd kick that guy's ass?

He's gonna kick his ass later when his girlfriend's watching.

(laughing)

Yeah.

(laughing)

Hey, it's those punks from Qwik-Mart.

Kindergarten get out early today, girls?

That's pretty funny.

Yeah.

(laughing)

What do you fuzz nuts want?

Uh...

We came down 'cause...

We want to hang with you.

Yeah.

Can we join your g*ng?

(laughing)

Sure you can join, man.

But you gotta take the entrance exam first.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Hey, Slade, let's help him cram for the exam.

(shrieking)

Hey! No way!

Hey, cut it out.

You guys ready for the exam?

Uh, I guess so.

You guys don't seem too excited.

You pumped?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

All right, then, it's exam time.

(laughing)

(laughing)

Well, girls, me and Slade's been talking and we just don't think

you're quite ready to join the g*ng, man.

I really wanted to take you, but Slade said no, man.

Sorry.

But if you guys want to try again,

come back to the park next week

and bring some gas money next time.

Yes!

Yeah, yeah.

I knew he liked us.

Yeah, Todd's cool.

(laughing)

**

Login • Register

900x01 - The Mike Judge Collection 101

900x01 - The Mike Judge Collection 101