900x03 - The Mike Judge Collection 103

[bunniefuu]

(laughing)

♪♪

(announcer) We now return to Robert Urich, Melissa Gilbert

and Lou Ferrigno in "Asbestos in Obstetrics."

(Beavis) Hey, Butt-Head, what is "astesbos"?

Uh...

It's like, health food or something.

Oh yeah, yeah.

You own this building?

And there are hundreds of women trapped up there

ready to deliver?

Women you made pregnant?

Now you're telling me it's not your problem.

Wait.

If they can manage not to breathe

until we get them out of there...

(rumbling)

Huh?

(laughing)

Yeah, yeah, huh?

Yeah.

This sucks.

Change it.

(laughing)

Uh, the remote's broken.

(laughing)

(loudspeaker) Do not panic.

There has been a small transformer expl*si*n

at the electric plant.

Power will be restored shortly.

Citizens are advised to store fresh water supplies

and canned goods.

Or you should have already done that, I guess.

Hope you did.

Attention citizens!

Do not panic.

Hey, Butt-Head, what's wrong with the TV?

Uh, I don't know.

Let's kick it.

(laughing)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's kick it, let's kick it!

Kick it!

Uh!

(laughing)

Uh, uh!

Uh!

Uh, wait a minute.

I just, like, figured something out.

What?

We gotta go watch TV somewhere else.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

(shattering, alarms ringing)

(siren blaring)

(man) Hold it, police!

(Butt-Head) Are they having another one of those midnight madness sales?

(Beavis) Yeah, yeah.

We're slashing prices!

Everything must go!

(laughing)

That was cool.

We gotta find a place to watch TV.

Yeah, yeah.

(glass breaking)

(alarm sounding)

Hey, they've got one.

Yeah.

Hey, wait up, dude.

(man) Freeze, police!

(g*nshots)

Uh, never mind.

(horns honking)

That's right, everyone.

If we all work together and respect one another's space,

we'll get through this crisis with a newfound sense

of community.

Get out of the street, you longhaired panty-waist!

(Beavis) Yeah.

(laughing)

Oh, Beavis and Butt-Head, what a break.

I'm so glad you guys came by.

I've got to go coordinate the emergency shelter at the Y,

but I can't move from here until I'm relieved.

Just go behind a building, dude.

No one will see.

Yeah, yeah.

No, no, I mean, can you guys

take over directing traffic here?

Uh, do we get arm bands?

Yeah, and like, Tasers.

Taser, Taser!

Well, I might be able to find you a couple of helmets.

Uh, we'll find our own helmets, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, mine's right here.

(laughing)

Now, look, fellas, this isn't hard.

Just wave the traffic through in one direction,

count to and then change, okay?

Cool.

Thanks, guys.

And I'll think you'll be surprised at the way doing good

will have you feeling good.

Uh.

Feeling good?

(horns honking)

Yeah, yeah.

Feeling-- Good.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, were we supposed to, like,

do something?

Uh, yeah.

(laughing)

What did he say again?

I think he said wave the cars through in, like,

one direction.

You take that one, I'll take this one.

Oh yeah, yeah.

Uh, one.

(crashing)

You're not doing it right, ass-munch.

Oh, sorry about that.

This time, count to .

Okay.

Uh, one.

Uh, yeah, one.

Two.

Two.

Uh, six.

Yeah, .

Two.

We already did two.

No, we didn't.

Yes, we did.

You're thinking of .

No way, Butt-Head.

Shut up, butt dumpling!

Yeah.

(crashing)

Uh, maybe we did do two.

Um, yeah, I don't think so.

(crashing)

(Butt-Head) Five.

Seven.

(Beavis) Yeah, yeah,

Eleventeen.

(man) Ahh!

Whoa, what's that?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Hey, Beavis, check it out.

It's Stuart's dad.

Yeah.

He doesn't look so good.

Where am I?

I think I'm bleeding internally.

Ahh!

Mr. Stevenson?

Is that you?

Beavis, Butt-Head!

Thank God!

What happened?

Tell me what happened!

Uh, our TV broke.

Yeah.

Can we watch at your house?

(crashing)

♪♪

Nachos rule.

They rule! Yeah.

(laughing)

(growling)

Whoa, check it out.

Yeah.

Stupid dog.

(laughing)

I heard that if you, like,

don't act scared, they won't att*ck you.

How do you do that?

Ahh!

Ahh, ahh!

(screaming)

(growling)

You wanna touch his bone?

Yeah-- Touch it.

(laughing)

Ahh!

Cool.

Can you foam at the mouth?

Check this out.

(laughing)

Ahh!

Oh!

Decent.

Is it contagious?

No, I disinfected it.

Ahh!

Sports drinks have nutrients.

Listen up, morons!

Some short-sighted federal appeals judge

says I can't use this on you.

But remember this.

In this classroom I am the judge, the jury

and the jailer!

Does it hurt when I do this?

Ow!

(laughing)

That was cool.

Do you gentlemen have a problem?

Do you wish to enlighten the class

as to what is festering on your leg, Beavis?

Dog bite.

Well, I thought you looked rabid, boy.

Now listen close.

Get the hell out of my classroom

before you infect anyone else with your sickness!

You stink of death!

Butt-Head, this man requires immediate medical attention!

Uh... Hospital, Butt-Head!

On the double!

Yes!

(siren blares)

Uh, he's got, like rabies or something.

I see.

What's your name?

Uh, last name is munch.

First name is Rodney.

Yeah, yeah.

Rod Munch.

(laughing)

Rod Munch.

(laughing)

Now, which one of your fellas is Rod Munch?

Uh, he is.

He's Rod.

Yeah.

(laughing)

So Rod, I understand you got bit by a dog.

Well, don't be scared.

'Cause look...

A dog bit my thumb off once too, Rod.

You're stupid.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now Rod, I don't suppose you brought the animal with you.

Uh, he wasn't, like, very friendly.

Yeah.

He doesn't like me.

Well, we'll have to find him anyway.

In a suspected case of rabies,

the animal has to be destroyed, of course.

And to check for presence of the disease,

we cut off the head and dissect the brain.

Whoa.

That's cool.

Actually, yes.

It is kind of cool.

Yeah, yeah!

Come on, Butthead, let's go find that dog!

(laughing)

Not so fast, Rod.

Let's talk about your symptoms first.

Any dizziness, nausea?

Fever, any convulsions?

Yeah, yeah.

No more than usual though.

Hmm...

So far, nothing checks out.

Maybe you were lucky.

You mean, like, no decrapitation?

I got it-- I got rabies!

Okay.

I'll call the police about the dog,

but first, we'd better start treatment.

Does he have to get a sh*t?

No.

Cool!

You have to get of them, Rod.

Yes!

In the stomach.

Cool.

♪♪

This sucks!

Ahh!

(announcer) The good news about rabies is that treating it

no longer means a series of painful injections

into the solar plexus.

New vaccines require only five simple sh*ts in the arm.

Hey, Beavis.

How come that stupid doctor didn't know that?

Maybe he doesn't watch TV.

(laughing)

Rod Munch, huh?

♪♪

(announcer) Don't waste your life away watching TV.

Call our free number and get started

in the exciting field of hair removal!

(announcer) Stuck in a dead-end job?

Why, when you could be earning top dollar

as an appellate court judge?

Just call this toll-free number

and our well-trained instructors--

(announcer) Alone?

Got something on your mind?

Call me at --LICK.

Just . a minute.

What are you waiting for?

(phone ringing) (woman with sexy voice) Hello?

Hello?

I know you're there.

(giggling)

(laughing)

Yeah, yeah.

(laughing)

Hello?

Who's this?

Don't tell her our real names.

Uh, I'm Beavis and he's Butt-Head.

Oh...

Yeah, yeah, me too.

Would you like to know what I have on?

Absolutely nothing.

I'm naked.

Are you there?

Hello?

(giggling)

(laughing)

So, what do you want to talk about?

Uh...

Don't be shy.

Well, could you, like, put the phone on your butt.

Oh, Beavis.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Whoa!

I can hear her butt!

Yeah, yeah.

(laughing)

(announcer) Oh, got something on your mind?

Hey, Mommy, it's your phone sex ad.

(using normal voice) Hey, I warned you about that language.

What's with this damn chair?

What's this?

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey, put it back!

Put it back!

Put the phone back!

You still there?

With-- (coughs)

(with sexy voice) With the money you spend on phone sex,

you ought to start your own number.

Cool. Yeah, yeah.

(laughing)

I'm Jay Whitelman, your phone company representative.

How can I help you?

Uh, we want to, like, get our own number.

Ah, starting your own business.

A piece of the American dream.

What type of line?

Sports?

Information?

We want to meet chicks.

Yeah-- And score.

Social interaction.

What's your current rate of income?

Uh... Six?

Under ,.

Education?

Um, is that, like school?

We'll put down "third grade."

Now, boys, this is very important.

A number is a bond of trust between customer and proprietor.

You're asking people to call you and pay for the privilege,

because you're providing a valuable service.

You do intend to provide a valuable service, don't you?

(laughing)

No.

That's what I like to hear.

Congratulations, boys.

You're on the gravy train.

All you have to do is sign at the bottom and put today's date.

Uh...

Um...

(laughing)

Keep your eyes on your own paper, butt burglar.

This is hard.

Yeah.

Getting a number sucks.

Yeah, yeah.

Where are you going?

We're gonna get our phone sex the old-fashioned way.

Yeah, yeah.

What way is that?

We'll call from Stuart's place.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

(laughing)

(snoring)

(laughing)

(Butt-Head) Hey, Beavis. (Beavis) What?

If we got our own number, it'd be like working.

Yeah, yeah.

That would suck.

This is better. Yeah, yeah.

(laughing)

♪♪

(laughing)

Walking sucks.

Yeah.

We should have, like, a limo.

Yeah, that would be cool.

Then we could, like, have chicks in the back.

Yeah, we could have lots of chicks in the back

and then we could, like, sit up front and drive.

That would rule.

Yeah.

Hey, check it out.

What's that?

Uh...

For... Fart.

Fort-- Fortune.

Fortune teller.

Yeah.

Maybe we should go in there and tell her our fortunes.

That would be cool.

No, dumbass, she tells your fortune.

Oh, yeah-- Cool.

Um, what's that?

You know, like, your future.

Oh, yeah, cool.

What's that?

Uh... I don't know.

(laughing)

Yeah.

You better not come around here again, Lester,

or I'm calling the cops!

Ooh, wait.

I got customers.

(laughing)

So...

(clearing throat)

So, what can I do for you boys?

Uh... (laughing)

Hey, Butt-Head, I thought she was gonna tell us

about our furniture.

Uh...

Your future?

All is known to Madame Blavatsky.

It is?

Yeah.

You are students in, what's it called?

The high school?

Whoa, she's right, Butt-Head!

How'd you know?

Madame Blavatsky sees all.

Whoa.

(laughing)

I think you are not the "A" students.

Maybe not the "B" students.

"C"?

No.

No, I don't think so.

Whoa!

Yeah!

She's for real, Butt-Head.

Yeah.

She knows all.

You will be a very important man.

Very rich, very famous.

A mere word from you will set great wheels in motion.

So?

Will I ever get any chicks?

So you want to know about women?

Yeah.

Yes, there will be women.

Beautiful women.

They will beg for your favors.

Yes!

Cool!

Yeah!

Me too-- Yeah!

I see...

A mansion, with many servants.

A yacht.

I don't see any of that crap.

(ethereal chimes)

Whoa!

What is it, Beavis?

(explosions)

This is cool.

There's, like, this big w*r

and it's like all these people are running around and stuff.

Huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

It's like, there's a bunch of wrecked cars,

and there's, like, people screaming!

Cool. Yeah!

It's true.

The boy has the sight.

Now there's this helicopter and these army guys are getting out.

This is end of times.

Yeah, and they got this t*nk and they're, like,

blowing stuff up.

Oh... The end of the world.

Oh, no... The end of the world?

Cool.

Whoa, look at that!

Yeah, this is cool!

(laughing)

Oh, the end of the world... This is cool!

And so, the bloodshed continues here

despite international outcry.

This is Wolf Jackal, CNN.

Yeah, yeah!

(laughing)

Whoa.

You're pretty cool, Beavis. He has the sight.

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks.

I'm pretty cool.

(laughing)

Telling the future is cool.

I didn't know you were a psychic.

Yeah, yeah.

Don't you remember all those tests the school nurse

made me take?

(laughing)

No, Beavis, they said you were psycho.

Oh, yeah.

(laughing)

Hey, Beavis, I can predict the future, too.

Check this out.

I predict that someone will smack you upside the head.

(laughing)

No, way, Butt-Head.

You can't predict the future.

Ahh!

Cut it out, butthole!

Hey, cut it out!

♪♪