900x09 - The Mike Judge Collection 109

[bunniefuu]

[laughing]

♪♪

[all chattering]

Everybody, shut up!

Right now, please give your undivided attention

to Clark Cobb

and his good friend, Socko.

Uhh...

Thank you, young students.

I'm Clark Cobb from Cobb's Family Hardware.

Me and Socko here wanna tell you about

the Christian Businessmen's Annual Charity Case Walkathon.

Mr. Cobb, is it true that Jesus invented the walkathon

when he walked out onto the Sea of Galilee?

[chuckling]

That's right, Socko.

[chuckling]

[laughing]

Socko's great.

[laughing]

Socko's got a hand up his butt.

[laughing]

Yeah.

[slurping]

Mah!

Ahh, ahh!

Ow, I got a freeze-brain, Butt-Head, make it stop!

You dumb-ass.Ahh, ow!

You gotta pace yourself.

[screaming]

Hello, boys.

Uh, learning how to drink from a cup, Beavis?

Ahh...

Shut up... Diarrhea.

[laughing]

How come you guys aren't out collecting pledges

for the walkathon?

Uh... pledges?

The way you raise money in a walkathon

is you get people to pledge money

for every mile you walk.

People give you "X" amount of money

if you walk "Y" number of miles.

You get people to pay you to walk.

Cool!

Why didn't you just say so?

So, will you guys pledge for me?

Uh... okay.

Like how much?

Heh-heh.

How's a quarter a mile sound?

Uh, two quarters a mile?

cents!

Aah!

I just said that, dumb-ass!

Okay, a dollar.

Ten!

"Beavis and Butt-Head,

ten dollars a mile, each."

Hey, uh, don't you have to, like,

do something for us now?

Okay, fair's fair.

For every mile you walk,

I'll pledge a nickel for you guys to split.

[laughing]

Okay.

Great, see you at the walkathon.

[laughing]

Yeah.

Um, what's so funny?

We just totally ripped her off.

[laughing]

Oh, yeah.

Cool.

And finally, folks, let me say this.

Each step you take is like a kick in Satan's keister.

You ready, Socko?

On your mark, get set...

go!

[cheering][chuckling]

That sucked.

[laughing]Yeah.

They didn't even use a g*n.

That's okay, dude, 'cause we're gonna be rich.

Yeah.

Charity is cool.

This sucks.

There's too many people walking.

Yeah.

Let's go this way.

Walking sucks.

Yeah-- heh-heh.

I don't understand what all this walking crap

has to do with making money.

[siren blaring]Yeah, really.

Uh... we must be close to that ten-mile mark by now.

[laughing]

[train whistle blowing]

Heh-heh, good job, boys, you made it.

Your friend, Daria, already gave me the cents

she pledged you,

so if you ante up the bucks apiece you pledged her,

we'll be all squared up.

You two are fine young people.

Uh, could you, like, give us our money now?

Yeah, yeah, give us our money!

Don't tell me you boys weren't planning to pay.

I thought we ripped off Daria, Butt-Head.

Uh...

Huh-huh-huh.

Boys, when you play

the Christian Businessmen's Association for fools,

you play the Lord for a fool.

Uh, could you, like, shut up?

Yeah!

Now, because I am a Christian,

I will not strike you.

But because I'm a businessman,

I will see to it that you walk off this pledge

at a rate of five cents a mile between you.

Now let me see, that would be , miles.

You better get started, boys.

Uhh...

Um, ah... what?

[crickets chirping]

If I ever catch that dude who like invented the walkathon--

heh-heh-- I'm gonna kick his ass.

Yeah.

I thought charity was supposed to, like, be for free.

How about less talkin' and more walkin', boys?

You're gonna finish this job

even if it takes you 'til the second coming.

Charity sucks.

Yeah.

[laughing]

Yeah.

♪♪

Hey, Butt-Head.

Hey... this bus ride is giving me wood.

Yeah.

Yeah-- heh-heh.

That's like the only reason to even go to school.

[laughing]

Yeah.

Wood, good.

School, bad.

Hey, Beavis, let's like not go.

Yeah, yeah, cool.

Uh... hey.

We're like getting off.

Yeah, we need to get off.

We ain't to school yet.

Uh... it's like an emergency.

An emergency?

Well now, that's different.

Here you go.

Hey, Beavis, we're like not in school.

[laughing]

Yeah, cool.

[laughing]

Okay, thank you for calling Muller Real Estate.

Uh...Bye.

Is this like a mall or something?

Uh, yes, this is Muller Real Estate.

Are you boys the temps?

Of course, you are, what am I saying?

Uh... I don't know.

Beavis?

Yeah, um, uh, no.

You two must be the starving-artist types.

Um, yeah.

Where is the food court at?

[chuckling] Anyway...

Beavis, is it?

Let's make you the typist here

and your friend can do reception.

Sit down, make yourself at home.

[laughing]

Hey, Butt-Head, the copy machine.

Do that thing.

[laughing]

Check it out.

[laughing]

Yeah.

[beeping]

Would you like a copy of my butt?

[laughing]

I'm enlarging my butt.

[laughing]

Mr. Muller put you up to this, didn't he?

Oh, my.

The stories I could tell you.

Okay, Beavis, why don't we get you started on some letters.

And you, sir, let's park you in front of the phones.

Hi, we're here from the temp agency.

[laughing] Hi, um...

May I help you?

Yes, we're here from the temp agency.

Um, please have a seat.

Your order will be ready in a minute.

[laughing]

Would you like a copy of my butt?

[laughing]

Uh, hello?

[laughing]

Uh, never heard of him, dude.

Heh-heh.

Yeah, this is Butt-Head, who the hell is this?

Heh-heh.

Hello?

Hey, baby.

Heh-heh.

Uh, he's like out having his butt cleaned.

[laughing]

[muttering]

Yeah...

Uh... Beavis, right?

Um, yeah.

Great to have you on board today.

Listen, I'm Stan.

You probably recognize the name

from all the letters you've been typing for me.

Uh, not really, Sam.

[laughing]

Stan, I'm Stan.

Okay, listen, hey, great job on all these letters.

But I guess what I need now is for you

to just make some real minor corrections here.

Okay, so I've pretty much

just made the corrections in red here.

It's not a super rush.

As soon as you get a chance, that would be great.

Um, okay, Sam.

But, um, I'm like really busy and stuff.

[laughing] Yeah.

Cool, man.

Like I say, Beavis, no rush on this-- whenever.

Yeah.

[laughing]

I'm busy.

I told you last time you called,

I never heard of that guy.

Heh-heh.

Get off the phone before I kick your ass.

[beeping]

Whoa, this thing's pretty hot.

[computer sizzling]

Ahh!

[laughing]

You broke it, dumb-ass.

And I was right in the middle of

a conversation or something.

You broke it, bunghole.

You talk to much.

Uh, ma'am, this buttmunch broke your office.

No way, he did it, he did it.

Well, listen, boys,

it's nothing to get bent out of shape about.

We'll have someone come in tomorrow

and take a look at it.

Now why don't you two punch out

and we'll see you tomorrow.

Uh... okay.

Heh-heh.

Yeah, okay.

Ahh!

♪♪

[woman] I'll have two cheeseburgers, two large fries

and, uh, a chocolate shake.

[Butt-Head] Uh... hello?

[laughing]

Two cheeseburgers, two large fries

and a chocolate shake.

Uh, just a minute.

[laughing]

Dammit, Beavis, put that away.

You're not supposed to have your penis out

when you're cooking.

[Beavis] Oh, oh, yeah.

[laughing]

Uh... so like, uh...

may I take your order?

[laughing]

[muttering]

Uh... what seems to be the problem there, Beavis?

[muttering]

My thingy itches.

It's like the wrong color or something.

Check it out.

Uh, no thanks, Beavis.

Ow!

Ahh, ahh!

I'll have a double cheeseburger,

large order of fries,

small root beer and an apple pie.

Uh, what?

Double cheeseburger,

large order of fries,

small root beer and an apple pie.

Uh, could you like get less stuff?

Just get it.

[muttering]

Hey, Beavis.

This guy wants like some burgers

and some like food or something?

So?

Uh, so like make it.

Yeah.

[muttering]

Dammit!

♪♪

[sizzling]

[cash register beeping]

Uh... it's like, uh...

a dollar or something?

Heh-heh.

Uh, I mean, uh, two dollars.

Cool.

[thudding][woman screaming]

[all gasping]

Ahh!

I'll never eat...

Uh, there you go, sir.

[man coughing]

Enjoy your meal.

Yeah, yeah, come again.

[groaning]

At a local Burger World, an outbreak of tainted meat

has hospitalized and once again raised the question

about how meat should be handled.

[laughing]

Ask the expert.

Shut up, Butt-Head.

[groaning]

Authorities say that until further notice,

Burger World will remain closed.

This sucks.

Yeah, we lost our job.

No, my wiener still itches.

[laughing]

Shut up!

What should I do?

Uh... I know.

Like think of something else.

Yeah.

Um, okay.

[grunting]

Okay, class, you have ten minutes

to answer questions three through , okay?

And... go.

[muttering]

[muttering]

Okay, now, just hold it.

Hold it right there.

[muttering]

[camera clicking]

Face it, Beavis...

you have a problem with your penis.

Yeah, what should I do?

This sucks.

Uh, maybe you should like wash it or something.

Yeah, cool.

I can like, uh...

I'll like, uh...

Yeah, I'll, um...

With water?

No way, it'll get wet.

Life is hard, Beavis.

Yeah, 'cause it sucks.

[muttering]

[crickets chirping]

[Beavis] Hey, Butt-Head, my wiener feels great.

It's like the right color again.

Check it out.

Beavis, you bungmunch, I don't wanna see it.

Yeah, and we got our jobs back.

Yeah, but like now

we have to follow all these stupid rules.

Heh-heh.

Uh... no-tice.

All aim... uh...

I think that's a "“P."”

[laughing]

Uh... pull, uh...

must, uh, wash?

Uh...

This is hard.

I told you.

[laughing]

♪♪

[snoring]

[man on TV] From NBC News, this is "“Today"”

with Bryant Gumbel and Katie Couric.

Good morning to you, welcome to this beautiful day.

We're gonna help you get it off to a great start.

Good morning, Katie.

Good morning, Bryant, how are you? Me?

I couldn't be better.

Yourself? Just fine.

How was your night? Mine?

Couldn't be better, and yours?

Just fine.[snoring]

How was your ride in the elevator? Mine?

Couldn't be better, and yours?

Fire... fire...

[snoring]

♪♪

Heather, tell us about your date.

Well, when he first showed up,

I thought, "“He's cute and built

and kinda sensitive."”

Butt-Head, first impression?

Uh, well, Chuck,

I thought she had big thingies.

[audience] Aww...

So then what happened?

He took me to the Quik Mart.

Yeah.

I bought her some nachos so she'd like put out.

Really, did it work?

Yeah.

I scored, Chuck.

[cheers and applause]

It was cool.

[laughing]

Uh, thank you very much.

♪♪

Fire...

[muttering]

You must let go.

If you are rooted in the Tao,

the force of the earth will support you.

Yeah, but like when are we gonna kick some ass?

Yeah.Patience, my son.

Have you forgotten your lessons so quickly?

But, Master, does not the fire need water, too?

[laughing]

Does not the mountain need the storm?

Does not your scrotum need kicking?

Ahh![moaning]

Yeah.

[applause]

Butt-Head, over girls have had sex with you.

How do you explain the attraction?

Uh... just look at me.

[applause]

Hey, baby.

[laughing]

♪♪

Butt-Head, Butt-Head, Butt-Head!

Wake up.

I think we like missed school or something.

Cool.

It's not like we were gonna learn anything.

Oh, yeah.

[snoring]

♪♪

Uh, fire those retro rockets,

sh**t the "“fruiton"” torpedoes

and like, uh, make us go that way.

Aye-aye, Captain.

Uh, excuse me.

I order you to undress and show me your thingies.

But, Captain, that violates

intergalactic law or something.

Number one, I order you to go take a number two.

Aye-aye, Captain.

Uh...

[laughing]

This is cool.

♪♪

[siren blaring]

[Butt-Head on radio] Uh, Roger Baker One.

The suspect passed a stop sign.

[Beavis] So I pulled him over and kicked his ass.

Just then, a man walked by with a dog

so I kicked his ass.

Hey, where do you think you're going?

Ahh!

[barking]Bunghole.

[laughing]

[static blaring]

[laughing]

That was a cool day.

Yeah... I'm like really tired.

Yeah.

I guess it's like time to go to sleep or something.

Yeah.

[laughing]

♪♪

[man on TV] From NBC News, this is "“Today"”

with Bryant Gumbel and Katie Couric.

Good morning to you, welcome to this beautiful day.

We're gonna help you get it off to a great start.

Hey, Butt-Head, I dreamed I was in school last night.

You think that counts for attendance?

Uh... I think so.

Was I there too?Yeah.

Cool.

So let's like take the day off.Yeah.

[laughing]

What do you wanna do?

Uh...

Mine? Couldn't be better.

And now for the weather, here's Willard Scott.

[man on TV] Thanks, Bryant, and what another beautiful day outside.

We've got some birthdays here.

Eleanor Riley from sunny Clearwater, Florida,

is years young today.

♪♪

What in tarnation's a skyscraper?

It's a very tall building, Mr. Clampett

What in tarnation's a building?

It's a structure where people live or work.

With all your money, you could easily erect one.

What in tarnation's a--

Did someone say, "Erect"?

Uh...

[laughing] Yeah.

Who in tarnation are you?

'Course I reckon I can erect things

as well as any boy can.

You sure can.Yeah.

Me too.

[laughing]

Hey, Beavis, we need to like strike oil

just like those dudes.

[laughing]

Then we'll be able to get money and chicks and stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

We are there.

We're there.

[grunting]

Digging for oil, sucks.

Um...

[grunting]

Um...

Yeah, it sucks!

Hey, Beavis... we're in a hole.

[laughing]

Oh, yeah... hole.

Hey, Butt-Head, Butt-Head!

I just like felt something.

Uh...Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

[laughing]

Wait, no, no, I mean,

I felt something like with my shovel.

Come here, check it out.

[laughing][clanking]

[coughing]

It's oil, it's oil, Butt-Head, we struck oil!

[coughing]

It's oil!Cool.

Bubblin' crude.

Yeah.

[coughing]

Texas tea.

Ugh.

Oil smells like turds.

Yeah, maybe that's why it's so expensive.

[sniffing]

Yeah.[coughing]

We're gonna be rich.

Yeah, oil, yeah.

[laughing]

[laughing]

We're gonna be rich.

Yeah, me too.

We're there, dude.

Yeah.

Um... we're like still here.

I thought we were gonna be rich.

Uh... hmm, let's see.

Ken Folk said...

Uh... I think we need to like sell it and stuff, first.

Oh, yeah.

[laughing] Cool.

[grunting]

Ugh!

Well, I guess we found the break in the sewage line.

Damn, and I just showered the day before yesterday.

[doorbell buzzing]

What in the hell?

Uh... we're like selling oil.

Yeah, black gold, Texas tea.

Oil rules.

Well, it sure as hell does.

You know, boys, I keep a -gallon drum of oil

in my garage.

But oil is highly combustible.

It has to be handled properly.

You can't just go door to door...

Oil smells like turds.

Yeah, like expensive turds.

... if you carry it around in an open garbage can.

And you and me are gonna tangle

if one drop of that gets on my property.

Uh, so like how many barrels would you like, sir?

Yeah, we don't have all day.

Dammit, boys, get that barrel of crap

the hell out of here now!

What a dumb-ass.

Get out here and pick this stuff up.

Yeah, really.

Hey, Butt-Head, check it out.

[laughing]

A rubber.Oh, yeah.

[laughing]

Turn off the main valve!

Uh...

Hey, are you fartknockers trying to steal our oil?

No.

But we fixed your sewage leak.

Uh... sewage?

That doesn't come out of the ground, dumb-ass.

It comes from like toilets and stuff.

No, it doesn't.

It comes out of your ass, dumb-ass.

[laughing]

Yeah.

[laughing]

It comes out of your butt, buttmunch.

[laughing]

It comes out of your weed, dillweed.

[laughing]

Uh, yeah.

Uh... it, uh...

uh...

Wait, I got one, uh...

[laughing]

Listen up, morons!

[man] They were the voice of a generation.

Let's burn something.

[laughing]

They changed a nation.

That looks cool now.

[thundering]

They changed the language.

Bunghole!Assmunch.

Butt-wipe.Butt dumpling.

And they changed television.

This sucks, change it.

Now Beavis and Butt-Head make DVD history

with a three-disc

state-of-the-art, fully loaded box set.

You said, "“Load."”

[laughing]

I am Cornholio!

[screaming]

"Beavis and Butt-Head: The Mike Judge Collection, Volume One."

Come to Butt-Head.

classic cartoons,

including previously unreleased on DVD.

Cut it out, ass-wipe, that hurts.

Uh...

All handpicked by Mike Judge.

That guy's old.

Plus music videos.

[Butt-Head] This guy's dad must

have kicked his ass when he was a kid.

Dammit, Pantera, this beer is warm!

Get me another one!

And a featurette that includes an interview with Mike

and a revealing look at the history of Beavis and Butt-Head.

"Beavis and Butt-Head: The Mike Judge Collection, Volume One."

Available now.

♪♪