[Chuckling]
[Bluesy rock music]
♪
- My name is mr. Candy.
My, what a nice-looking group of students.
Who can tell me what I'm holding in my hand?
- Uh, your nads?
- Yeah.
- No, my right hand.
- Is it a candy bar?
- It's more than just a candy bar.
It's the future of your school.
Now, who'd like a candy bar?
Who would like candy bars?
- Over here.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- 'Cause I've got them here with me today,
And I plan on giving them all out.
But there's a catch.
I'm not giving them to you to eat.
- Um...
- I'm giving them to you to sell.
- Uh...
Selling candy is a fun way
To help yourself and the school.
- All right, losers, remember,
You are competing against other classes,
And I'll be damned if my class is gonna lose.
- Now, our candy bars are personalized
With your school's name on the wrapper.
And they're a real bargain at only $ each.
Heck, they practically sell themselves.
Now, what if I told you that the richest man in the world--
- Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
[Mumbling]
- Yeah.
Blah, blah, blah.
Heck, they practically sell themselves.
[Groaning]
- Well, you two seem to be real know-it-alls.
Why don't you tell us what you're gonna say
When a customer says no.
- I'd say, "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
[Mumbling]
- Blah, blah, blah.
What do you say when a customer says no?
You seem to know it all.
Blah, blah, blah.
- Well, I wish you luck.
But it seems we're out of time.
[Doorbell buzzing]
- Yeah?
- Our school's making us sell candy.
- Yeah.
We're losers. Yeah.
- What in the hell kind of sales approach is that?
You boys couldn't sell $ for cents.
- Uh, they're $, sir.
- Yeah, don't try to rip us off, buttwipe.
Yeah.
- Hmm.
Well, I've only got $.
- Buy one from me.
- No way, buy one from me.
Cut it out.
Get out of the way.
- I'll, like, sell mine for half price, sir.
- Yeah, yeah. Me, too.
- Half price?
Well, now you're talking.
Here, why don't I take one from each of you.
You boys better start charging full price.
I'm sure your school can't afford to lose money.
- Selling stuff sucks.
- Yeah.
Hey, beavis, I'll buy one of your candy bars for $.
- No way.
They're $, butthole.
- Uh, then can you, like, loan me $?
- No way, 'cause then you'll have, like, $,
And i, like, won't have any.
- Come on, beavis.
I'll buy one from you.
That way, you'll sell a candy bar.
Plus, you'll have $.
- Okay.
Cool.
Yeah.
Let me have some.
Come on.
- No way.
I'll sell you one for $.
- Okay.
- This town sucks.
We're never gonna sell any candy.
- Hey, butt-head, you should try one of these.
They got peanuts. It's really good.
- Oh, yeah?
Cool.
Hey, beavis, want to buy a candy bar from me?
- Um, okay.
You want to buy one from me?
- Uh, okay.
Selling candy's pretty cool.
- Yeah.
- Excellent job, class.
- Hey, butt-head, remember that dollar I borrowed to you?
- Oh, yeah.
I remember it.
- Yeah, me, too.
Oh, yeah, i, like, need it back.
- Well, boys, let's see.
The big sellers.
How'd you do?
- We sold every one of them, dude.
- Yeah, they practically sold themselves.
- Well, maybe there's hope for you yet.
- [Yells]
Don't touch me, asswipe.
- So where's the money?
- Right here, dude.
- Yeah, here you go.
Yeah.
- That's it?
There had better be
A hell of a lot more money than that, boys.
- Nope.
That's all of it, dude, $.
- Yeah.
You can count it if you want.
- I don't believe you.
I want you to give me everything you've got in your pocket.
- [Chuckles]
Hey, beavis, he wants what's in your pocket.
[Laughing]
- Yeah.
He's a pocket fisherman.
- Oh, no.
You're not gonna pull that again.
It took me six months to get another job.
Now give me the rest of the money, you little twerp.
- He's trying to touch my wiener!
Let go, pervert.
- Kick him in the nads, beavis.
- You, too, you little farter.
- What the hell are you doing?
This is my class.
I do the ass-kicking around here.
- Wait your turn, jarhead.
[Grunts]
- You just made a fatal mistake, mr. Candy-ass.
I hope you know something about hand-to-hand combat.
- Oh, you're going down, soldier boy.
- [Grunts]
- Kick him!
- Kick him in the butt.
- Kick him in the nads.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Check it out, beavis, a wedding.
- Whoa.
So what?
- So we got to go.
Dumbass.
- Oh, yeah.
Let's go against the wall over there.
- No butt-munch.
We got to go to the wedding.
In every wedding, there's, like, this bride chick.
And then right after it's over,
Everyone gets to make out with her.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Plus, I heard that, like, chicks put out
On their wedding night.
It's, like, a law or something.
- We're there, dude.
[Laughing]
- This is gonna be cool.
- This music sucks.
- Yeah.
I wonder when that bride chick's gonna get here.
Whoa.
Come to butt-head.
- Yeah.
Me, too.
It's working, butt-head.
It's working.
She's coming right to us.
Yeah. - Settle down, beavis.
I heard she's all dressed in white,
'Cause, like, she's never done it before.
- Oh, yeah.
So, like, shouldn't we be wearing white, too?
- Hey, baby.
- Yeah. Hey, baby.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, where are you going?
- This sucks.
- Oh, look at her train.
- Yeah.
Check out the caboose.
- Yeah.
- Oh, god.
They must be friends of the groom.
- Dearly beloved,
We are gathered here today
To join sarah and howard in holy matrimony.
- Howard?
Who's howard?
- Probably one of those dorks up there.
- Yeah.
Howard.
Howard.
- Oh, god.
They must be friends of the bride.
- So I must emphasize, of course,
That when we see sarah and howard up here,
We're not looking at two individuals joining together.
- This sucks.
What's going on?
- Yeah, really.
Come on, hurry up.
- Let's turn to the vows, shall we?
Howard, do you take this woman to have and to hold--
- Yeah, yeah.
I do.
- Yeah, yeah, me, too.
Yeah, to hold.
[Snickers]
I want to hold her butt, yeah.
- And, sarah, do you take this man
To have and to hold from this day forward?
- No way.
Take me.
- I do. - Yeah, yeah, over here.
Over here.
- Okay, okay.
All right, well, if anyone here knows
Of any reason why these two should not be joined together,
Speak now or forever hold your peace.
- Uh...
I know a reason.
- [Gasps]
- 'Cause he's a dork.
- Yeah.
- Hey, baby, why don't you join together with me instead?
[Crowd gasping]
- All right.
Let's save it for the reception, g*ng, okay?
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Ushers.
Ushers.
- Hey, we were here first, bunghole.
- Hey, let go of me.
Hey, cut it out.
Damn it. - Hey, cut it out.
- Well, lookee there.
Someone's getting married.
Hell, I remember when I got a weekend furlough
From the service
Just to make an honest woman out of you.
Remember that?
- Yes, dear.
- Being married must suck.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, beavis, I just thought of something.
If you get, like, married,
Then you'll always be hanging out with the same person.
- Oh, yeah.
- Saying all the same crap for, like, years and years.
- Oh, yeah.
- That would suck.
- Oh, yeah.
- Take my hand, honey bunch.
- Pull my finger, butt-munch.
- Oh, yeah.
[Laughing]
[Idyllic string music]
[Aggressive rock music]
♪
- Oh.
- Nausea again.
That horrible clawing, pounding, aching.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Me too.
- It couldn't be morning sickness.
But what about these cravings?
My god.
I'd better not be pregnant.
Jake!
Get me some nachos!
The contractions-- contractions.
It's coming out.
[Groans]
I can feel it.
[Groans]
- Hey, butt-head, when people get pregnant,
They have to be chicks, right?
- Huh?
- Ow.
[Groans]
- Yeah, I stopped by to get one of these home pregnancy tests.
So I guess if it changes color,
I'll be looking just like you in no time.
- Hey, beavis, you should get one of those.
- Shut up, butt-head.
I don't need one of those.
- What's your problem, dumbass?
I was just telling you to get some food.
- Oh, yeah, food.
Food, food, food, see?
- I keep losing my temper for no reason,
And I feel like hell.
- Really?
I find myself craving the strangest food.
- Vegetables?
- Well, lately, I've been feeling like a total klutz.
- [Screams]
- Uh...
You dork.
- Hey, butt-head, you know how those women got pregnant, right?
- Uh, oh, yeah.
[Chuckles]
- They had to, like, do it, right?
- Yeah.
[Chuckles]
They did it.
- Oh, yeah.
I knew that.
I was just, like, testing you and stuff.
Ow!
- Girl, I can't believe you went
And got yourself pregnant.
- You can get yourself pregnant?
[Screams]
Give me one of those.
- What's with you, beavis?
You look like you're pregnant.
- Ow!
- What the hell are you doing in there, butt-munch?
- I'm just, you know--
I'm, like, you know, not doing anything.
[Snickers]
The chick said it changes color if you're pregnant.
Let's see.
"Antes de que empee-say la pruebla."
Okay.
Let's see.
Maybe it goes here.
Ow.
No.
Let's see.
[Snickers]
You're supposed to pee on it.
[Zipper opening]
Ah.
It better not change color.
It turned yellow.
[Screams]
No!
Hey, butt-head, I know this guy who, like,
Wants to know what it's like if you, you know, have babies.
- What a dork.
- Oh, yeah.
He's a real dumbass.
But, like, you know, he's, like, you know, really wondering.
- It's, like, you're always wiping up crap
And getting puke all over you.
- Cool.
Yeah, I guess. Yeah.
- But then you have to watch all these, like,
Barney videos and stuff.
So you don't get to watch any cool tv
For, like, years or something.
- Whoa.
Having babies sucks.
- But we already have three kids, honey.
I'm not sure we can afford to have this one.
- We'll find a way, darling.
Because the more children we have,
The more love.
- Life: the beautiful alternative.
- [Grunting]
Give me another epidural, you moron.
Don't you tell me I only feel pressure.
I feel pain.
Pain, you little turds!
[Screams]
- Quick, an episiotomy.
- [Screams]
- Contraptions!
Contraptions!
[Screams]
Its coming out! I can feel it!
[Screams]
- [Chuckles]
- [Screaming]
[Dull splash]
[Snickering]
[Toilet flushing]
That was cool.
Hey, how's it going?
- Okay, now to willard for the weekend weather.
So tell us, willard, weather or not?
- These guys think they're funny.
But they're really just, like, stupid.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's like when you think you're pregnant,
But you really just have to take a big dump.
- Yeah.
[Laughing]
- [Sighs]
- Boys, some of our customers have been complaining
About our french fries.
Holy cow.
What are these brown chunks in here?
- Hmm.
I think those are caterpillars, sir.
- Caterpillars are green, dumbass.
- Oh, yeah.
Hmm.
- Hey, that's that grasshopper.
- Grasshopper?
- Yeah.
He won't be bothering the customers anymore, sir.
- Yeah.
We caught him taking a dump on one of the tables.
Yeah.
- What in the hell is this?
- Oh, yeah.
Remember when I had that band-aid on
For, like, two weeks.
And then you, like, pulled it off.
And I went...
[Screams]
- Cool.
- I want the oil changed in this fryer.
And I want it changed before you leave today.
- Fryer, fryer, fryer.
- This sucks.
How come that manager guy always makes us do work?
- Yeah.
That oil was just getting cool, too.
- There it is, dude.
Uh...
We need to change the oil.
- Yeah, if you could just change it while we wait,
That would be fine.
- Okay, pull your car in.
- Uh, car?
- Yeah, what do we need a car for?
- Well, how the hell am I supposed to change the oil
If you don't have a car?
Oh, I get it.
You're do-it-yourselfers.
- Uh, beavis is a do-it-yourselfer.
- Oh, yeah.
[Snickering]
- So you guys work at burger world, huh?
I once applied for a job there.
How'd you guys get in there?
- What's this crap?
- All right, I'm gonna give you a quick how-to.
I guess if you're gonna get in at burger world,
It's not what you know;
It's who you know, huh?
- Uh, yeah.
Right. - Yeah.
Me and butt-head know each other.
Yeah.
- Okay.
First you open your drain to let out the old stuff.
Make sure you dispose of it properly.
That stuff is toxic.
- Cool.
- When you're done,
Remember to check it with your dipstick.
[Snickering]
- Dipstick.
- Okay.
Lesson's over, no charge.
But it's bucks for the oil.
- Uh, no.
- Yeah, we're not gonna give you any money.
- No cash, huh?
You guys work at burger world.
I guess you're good for it.
Here, I'll set up an account.
You can just sign for it.
- Oh.
In that case, we want some candy bars, too.
- Yeah, and some naked lady air fresheners, yeah.
It's gonna rule.
I can't find any drain.
Oh, wait a minute.
[Laughing]
- This work sucks.
And that mechanical dude was a big dumbass.
- Yeah.
Hey, let's just scoop it out.
Ow!
- [Groans]
- Ow! - Ow!
- Hey, beavis, check it out.
"Improved performance." - Yeah.
No thermal breakdown.
- Yeah.
Remember to check it with your dipstick.
- No way.
I think it's ready.
- [Laughing]
- [Scatting]
[Woman screams]
- Hey, where is everybody going?
- Yeah.
[Man coughing]
- Uh, I don't think we should go back in there, dude.
- Yeah.
Remember, he said we couldn't go home
Till we changed the oil.
- Oh, yeah.
Cool.
Let's get out of here.
- Yeah.
- Burger world will remain closed,
Pending fire officials' investigation.
- Cool. - Yeah.
News rules.
- And in a related story,
A mysterious oil spill has shocked environmentalists
Throughout the world.
- Cool.
- It's a major disaster in the aegean sea,
Affecting local fishermen off the coast of greece.
- Cool.
He's talking about grease, butt-head.
- Yeah.
Whoa, check it out.
They're using the same oil as us.
- Oh, yeah.
They forgot to put the breading on it.
- Yeah.
Those environmental guys are dumb.
- Yeah.
- I bet that fish tastes like crap.
- Yeah, really.
[Rock music]
[Bluesy rock music]
♪
900x12 - The Mike Judge Collection 203
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Adult animated series follows Beavis and Butt-Head, both voiced by Judge, a pair of teenage slackers characterized by their apathy, lack of intelligence, lowbrow humor, and love for hard rock and heavy metal music.
Adult animated series follows Beavis and Butt-Head, both voiced by Judge, a pair of teenage slackers characterized by their apathy, lack of intelligence, lowbrow humor, and love for hard rock and heavy metal music.