900x13 - The Mike Judge Collection 204

[bunniefuu]

[Chuckling]

[Bluesy rock music]

♪

- And that's why the woman I most admire

Is recording artist k.d. Lang.

- Thank you, cassandra.

Okay, let's see.

Who hasn't gone yet?

Beavis, are you ready to inspire us with your report?

- [Screams]

- You're next, dillhole.

[Laughs]

- Come on, beavis.

Stand up and tell us about the woman you admire most.

- Um, oh, yeah.

Okay.

- Go ahead, reveal to us

The identity of this profoundly influential female.

- Oh, yeah.

[Snickering]

My mom.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, my mom.

Yeah.

- [Chuckles]

You wuss.

- Butt-head, I hope your oral report

Is a little wider in scope than beavis'.

- Uh...

The woman I admire most is, uh...

[Chuckles]

Beavis' mom.

- Yeah, me, too.

- Boys, I am going to have to ask that you redo these reports.

I want you to research

And plunge deeply into the subject matter this time,

Mm-kay?

[Snickering]

- Uh, we need to learn about chicks.

- Yeah.

- I assume you mean the % of our population known as women.

- Uh, no.

We want chicks.

- Yeah.

- In the words of the great feminist anthem,

I am woman, hear me roar.

- [Chuckles]

Hey, butt-head, I think she wants you.

- Yeah.

[Chuckles]

Probably.

- Well, boys, I'm happy to tell you

That I have set aside a whole section

Of featured books in honor of women's history month.

I think susan b. Anthony is an excellent place to start.

- All right.

- Or perhaps this biography

About the pioneering psychologist dr. Carla horney

Is a better choice.

[Sniggling]

- Do you find psychology funny?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Wait a minute.

I've got just the thing.

- I bet you do.

[Chuckling]

- It's up here somewhere.

[Tittering]

Oh, yes, here it is.

Sarah dewey, wife of the man whose name graces

Our wonderful dewey decimal system.

- Cool.

- I thought you boys would feel inspired.

Oh, here's another one.

[Snickering]

- Uh...

[Laughing]

- Here, why don't I help you get started?

You'll need some paper.

Set your margins, and we'll start.

Thesis statement.

"Many researchers today believe that sarah dixon dewey

Was, in fact, the inventor of the famed dewey decimal system."

- Uh...

"And in conclusion...

[Laughs]

"We believe it should be changed

"To the dixon decimal system.

[Laughs]

"Because she would probably keep her name

"If their partnership was truly equal--qual--

Cool."

- Yeah.

It says "wood."

Did you notice that?

- Bravo, boys.

I'm super impressed.

Well, class, this report leaves little doubt

That sarah dixon dewey

Is the woman beavis and butt-head admire most.

- Uh, no.

The chick I most admire is that librarian chick.

- What?

I don't understand.

- Yeah.

'Cause, like, first we almost saw her butt,

And then she did all the work for us.

Then, like, we just sat there

And didn't do anything except, like, look at her legs.

- Yeah.

She rules.

[Laughing]

This sucks. - Yeah.

Why did van driessen make us do this crap?

- I hate these damn things.

- And what was all that crap

He said about us not respecting chicks?

- Oh, no, no, no.

That doesn't go there.

If you'd paid closer attention during our research,

You'd remember that books with the dewey decimal number

Starting with the number nine go up here.

Let me show you.

- Uh...

[Laughing]

- And now you should be able to see

The inherent beauty of the dewey decimal system.

- Uh...

I see the beauty.

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, me, too.

[Rock music]

- Thank you, my friend.

- Whoa, check it out.

A bum.

- Oh, yeah.

- Hey, hey, mr. Hairdo,

What's the best nation in the world?

- Uh...

- Donation.

Now, what's the best city in the world?

- Um...

Generosity.

Hey, come on, boys.

How about putting something in the cup?

- Uh...

- Um...

No.

- Come on, guys.

Give me just a little money.

- Whoa, there is money in there.

- Whoa.

Is that all you got to do

To get money around here?

- Cool.

[Electricity crackling]

- Beavis, I have seen the way.

- Donations.

- What's, like, the best nation in the world?

- Um, urination.

- No, not today.

- We're gonna be rich.

- Don't look. Helen, don't look.

- You kids are gonna give us

Hardworking folks a bad reputation.

If you want to make some real money,

I'll give you some lessons.

But it's gonna cost you a little bit of coinage.

- Uh, beavis has $.

- No way, I don't have $.

Besides, I'm saving it for some nachos.

- Don't be stupid, beavis.

He'll give you change. - Okay.

- Lesson one, no matter what, never give anyone change.

You got that?

Next you're gonna need a cup.

Excuse me, sir.

[Sneezes]

- Damn it.

Why don't you get off the street

And get out of my face, you lousy bum?

[Laughing]

- That was cool.

- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah?

Oh, you think it's cool, huh?

- [Screams]

- This sucks.

- [Laughs]

See, you look a lot better now.

You got that coffee on you and stuff.

You smell like an a.a. Meeting.

They like that.

Play right into their hands, kids.

- Um, yeah.

Cool.

- Now you don't want to be shaking an empty cup.

No, no, no.

Put some of your own money in there to start it out.

- Begging's expensive.

- No, that's too much.

If people think you're loaded,

They won't give you a damn dime.

- Uh...

- Whoa.

You really think someone will give us a dime?

- No, probably not.

Ooh, now here comes some coinage.

Tell her some kind of sob story,

Something that would make god cry.

But make sure it's something believable.

You know, say that you were born without any brains

Or fingers or something.

You know, just say, "hello, lady.

It's me, mr. Good night hairdo."

[Laughs]

- Uh...

I was, like, born without any arms or legs.

- Yeah, me, too.

I was born without any nads.

- That's terrible.

- Yeah, it really sucks.

I guess all my kids will be born without nads too.

- You dumbass.

- So I hope they'll be girls.

- That's terrible what you two boys are doing.

Did you ever stop to think that there are other people

Who really need the money you're collecting?

- Uh, no.

- No.

- But if you give us money,

Then we'll, like, give it to other people or something.

- Oh.

Well, that's nice, I guess.

- Yeah, we're gonna buy stuff.

- [Scoffs]

- Please give me some money.

I was born without a butt.

- Yeah.

When I was born, the doctor slapped my butt,

And then he spanked my monkey.

- Hey, we don't allow any panhandlers here.

- Yeah, beavis. - What?

- He doesn't want you hanging around,

You know, handling your pan.

- Oh, yeah.

Don't worry, dude.

I tried that once,

And I didn't make much money.

Everybody just, like, stared at me and stuff.

- All right, boys, move it along.

- Begging sucks.

- Yeah.

- Donations.

[Laughs]

Whoo-hoo.

- Hey, we want our money back.

- Yeah, butthole.

- Get lost, you bucktoothed turd boy.

- Here, get your boys something to eat.

- Whoa.

- Yeah.

[Laughing]

[Electricity crackling]

- Please help me buy some food and some decent clothing

For my two idiot boys here.

I want them to have a better life than I had.

- The poor man.

I wish I had more to give.

- Raising them must be so difficult.

- God, those kids look stupid.

- So, dad, we get to keep all the coins, right?

- No.

You get to keep all the pennies.

And stop calling me "dad," turd boy.

- Pennies rule.

- Thank you, my friend.

- Uh, is that all?

- Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

- God bless you.

- This is cool.

- And let me remind you, class, that this will be on the test.

Mm-kay?

- So then the other dude's like,

"Excuse me, sir.

What I said was, 'put a flower in your buttonhole.'"

[Laughing]

- Attention, all students and faculty.

I have an urgent announcement,

And you all need to listen very carefully.

- That dude was like,

"Put a flower in your buttonhole."

Yeah, yeah.

Your buttonhole.

- Highland high has just received a b*mb thr*at.

We are asking all students and teachers

To cooperate in the total

And immediate evacuation of the school.

Oh, get that door.

- Okay, class, let's not panic in making our exit.

See if you can utilize the concepts we learned last week

About synergy and collec--

[Screams]

- So it's like he said, "excuse me, sir.

I said 'put a flower in your buttonhole.'"

- It's like he was supposed to put it in his buttonhole.

But then he put it in his, you know, butt.

[Laughing]

- Uh...

Did it, like get quiet?

- What?

- Um...

- Uh...

- Um...

- I repeat, we have received a b*mb thr*at.

We believe the expl*sive could be somewhere in the cafeteria,

But we must evacuate the entire school.

- Whoa.

A b*mb.

- Yeah, yeah.

A b*mb, a b*mb.

Cool.

- I bet if we had our own b*mb,

We could, like, you know, blow stuff up.

- Yeah, yeah.

- That would rule.

Hey, beavis.

[Chuckles]

Let's find it.

- Yeah.

Let's find it.

Hey, butt-head, I bet if we had a b*mb,

Pantera would hang out with us.

- Yeah.

We could make them hang out with us.

- Oh, yeah.

Come on, let's find it.

Where is it?

- Nope, it's not in here.

- It's not in here.

[Snickering]

- [Chuckles]

- Here, b*mb.

Come on.

Right over here.

- Hey, beavis, when we find it,

We should, like, go to one of those banks

And then, like, blow up the safe

Where they keep all the money and stuff.

- Hey, butt-head,! Butt-head, I found it!

I found the b*mb.

- Beavis, you dillhole.

That's not a b*mb.

That's, like, one of those things.

You know, like, we have one at burger world.

- Oh, yeah.

[Clock ticking]

- Hey, beavis, listen.

- Um...

What?

[Fart sound]

- Oh, yeah.

[Laughing]

- That was cool.

[Laughing]

[Clock ticking]

- Where the hell is this b*mb?

We could've been blowing stuff up by now.

- Hey, butt-head, butt-head, check it out.

I found the b*mb.

I found the b*mb!

- Whoa.

Give it here, monkey spank.

- No way, butt knocker.

I'm the one who found it.

Give it back.

- [Grunts]

Damn it, beavis.

- Hey, you two, put that down.

Now!

- [Grunting]

Uh, no.

- Yeah, we were here first, ass-munch.

- Come on, boys.

You're holding a b*mb.

Don't do anything stupid.

Uh...

[Laughing]

- Give-- god--

Do you idiots even realize the danger you're in?

- Uh, no.

- Yeah.

[Screams]

[Bell dings]

- Uh...

That sucked.

- Yeah, really.

What a wussy b*mb.

- That's not a b*mb, you morons.

It's just a damn cooking timer.

- It wasn't even loud.

- Yeah, really.

And there was, like, no destruction.

- Yeah.

- Well, we searched the premises.

But we came up empty.

Now the b*mb squad's telling us it's only a hoax.

- What are you talking about?

Any imbecile can see a b*mb went off in here.

The man on the phone said

It was placed in the cafeteria last night.

- We'll keep looking.

But with this mess, it could take a while.

- What about you two?

What happened in here?

- A b*mb went off, sir.

- Yeah.

- So can we go home now?

- Yeah, we're scared and stuff.

- Yeah, I guess.

Get on your way, boys.

[Laughing]

- That was cool.

[Rock music]

- Hey, butt-head, where are we?

I think we're lost.

- Cool.

Maybe we'll be on the news.

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that would rule.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Do you hear that?

- What is it?

[Steady drumbeat]

[Laughing]

- Beavis, butt-head, what a happy coincidence.

We were just rapping about the need to recruit new members

For our men's group.

Would you like to join us?

- Uh, no.

- Yeah, really.

I'm not gonna join any men's group

Unless it's got, like, chicks in it and stuff.

- Come on, guys.

It's a really super way to express your masculinity

In a nurturing, all-male environment.

- With no women around,

We're free to be ourselves

Without fear of seeming sexist or offensive.

- And we let off some steam

To avoid channeling our male anger towards women

Into greed, destructiveness,

Or other male problem areas.

- And that's important, especially today,

As we men wrestle with our manhood.

- Beavis wrestles with his manhood.

- Yeah.

I usually win.

- That's okay, 'cause we all must fight our own demons.

That's why these monthly drum-banging sessions are so--

- You get to bang a drum?

- Sure. - Cool.

[Snickers]

This is gonna be cool.

- Hi, I'm gary.

- Hey, how's it going?

- Hi, I'm pete.

- Hi. Phil.

Nice to meet you.

- Hi, I'm beavis.

- Uh...

This sucks.

- Actually, it can be quite therapeutic, butt-head.

Here, why don't you take out

Some of that aggression on the drum?

- And let loose with your innermost thoughts.

- Uh...

[Chuckles]

Uh...

This sucks.

This sucks.

A bunch of dumbass wussies hitting a stupid drum.

[Chuckles]

- Good, butt-head.

You tapped into some genuine emotions there,

And I think we can all relate to what you're saying.

- Uh, you can?

- Sure we can.

- It really doesn't suck

That you had the courage to say "this sucks."

- We're hearing you loud and clear, brother.

- That sucks.

- Okay.

Now it's your turn, beavis.

Really try to get in touch with your inner male.

- No way.

Not with a bunch of dudes watching.

- Don't be shy.

Just hit the drum and say what's on your mind.

- Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Whoa.

That was pretty cool.

[Snickering]

- Okay, beavis.

Now let that wild man within

Put his feelings into words.

- We're with you, brother.

- It's, like, I want to check out chicks' thingies.

I want to see their thingies,

But they won't let me.

And that just makes me want to check them out even more.

- We feel your male pain.

- I feel like I'm never gonna score,

And chicks don't want to talk to me.

And, like, I want to go up and say,

"Hey, baby, how's it going?"

And then they just, like-- they just go away,

And then they slap me.

- I can identify with that, I guess.

- And then sometimes I just want to get a big bulldozer.

And I just want to, like--

I just want to, like, bulldoze the walls

To the girls' locker room.

And that way I can see their boobs.

- That would be cool.

- And, like--and, like, I know they're naked inside there,

And I just can't stand it.

- Hmm.

- And then I want to take the bulldozer

And, like, I want to bulldoze the cafeteria, too,

And then the library.

I wan to destroy all the books.

And then I want to go to the principal's office

And bulldoze the principal's office, too.

And bulldoze--

- I think someone's inner warrior

Needs to go back to basic training.

- Then maybe I'll never tear down the girls' locker room.

- Maybe you need professional help, beavis.

- Somebody take that damn drum away from him.

- What the hell are you teaching these kids of yours anyway?

- You know, the guys at the gym were right.

You are a pantywaist.

- And you said this was a way

To recapture the spirit of woodstock.

Woodstock, my ass.

- Naked boobs, naked boobs.

- Wait a minute, guys.

That kind of old-fashioned male aggressiveness

Is never the solution.

- And that would suck. - Yeah.

- That would suck.

- This sucks.

- No.

Oh, no.

- Butt-head, where's beavis?

- I don't know.

[Chuckles]

[Uptempo drum b*at]

- I'd get the crane

With the wrecking ball and a bulldozer,

One of those really nice shovels

And an ice pick and a backhoe

And a forklift

And a front-end loader and a combine and a--

Oh, yeah, and a getaway car and some rubbers.

Only then will I score,

And that's about it.

Oh, yeah, and some boobs.

Um, your turn, butt-head.

Butt-head?

Butt-head!

It's your turn, come on.

Uh-oh.

[Bluesy rock music]

♪