900x14 - The Mike Judge Collection 205

[bunniefuu]

[Chuckling]

[Bluesy rock music]

♪

- I've tried detention, suspension,

Community service, intimidation.

Nothing keeps you two out of trouble.

Do you want to be expelled outright?

- Uh...

- Kicked out of school for good,

Condemned to a life of stupidity?

Robbed of any hope to better yourselves?

- Uh, okay.

- Yeah, me, too.

When can we start?

- Get spelling in here.

I've tried every form of discipline I know.

It's time for something drastic.

[Door opens]

They're all yours.

- Uh...

- Now, now wait a minute.

- So you're gonna be attending my sensitivity encounter group.

- No, no.

- Well, I'm thrilled.

We'll have you in touch with your feelings

In no time.

- Yeah.

[Chuckling]

- Each of you is here

With a longing to share your feelings,

To access your vulnerability.

Michael, why don't you start us off?

- I don't know what to say.

- Michael, share something.

Share what you're feeling now.

- I guess I'm really just feeling nervous.

- Good.

Go with that.

- Whew.

I guess I'm nervous that you'll all think I'm a big jerk,

That, like, as soon as someone really sees me,

They'll know how stupid I am.

- Okay, let's stop right there.

Let's have a reality check.

Does anyone think michael's a jerk for what he just shared?

- Uh, yeah.

- Yeah, me, too.

You jerk. - Oh, god.

- Now, hang on.

Butt-head, perhaps you see a part of yourself in michael.

- [Chuckles]

Yeah.

My butt.

[Snickering]

- And, beavis, is that what you feel?

- [Chuckles]

Beavis feels himself.

- Shut up, butt-head.

I'll kick your ass.

- Anger, good.

Go with that.

Go ahead, let it flow.

Beavis, tell butt-head how angry you are.

- Um...

I'm, like, angry and stuff, yeah.

- Butt-head, express your feelings now.

- [Chuckles]

- Tell you what, pretend that pillow is butt-head.

Really let your anger flow.

You see, anger is often the first doorway into our feelings.

We pass through it to our deeper inner self.

- I'll k*ll you!

I'll k*ll you!

Die! Die!

Die, you son of a bitch!

- Whoa.

Settle down, beavis.

- [Screaming]

Die! Die!

- Very good.

Very good, beavis.

Hey, hey, hey.

- Hey, don't touch me, asswipe.

- I think we need a quiet moment now.

Deep inside us is all the wisdom we could ever need.

All we have to do is open to it.

Be still.

And don't be afraid to set personal goals.

- You are lovable.

Love yourself.

- Honor what you know.

You're wise beyond words.

- You will get that chick across from you.

You will see her thingies.

It's going to be cool.

[Chuckles]

- Now think about this.

We are all mirrors for each other.

But seldom do we reflect back the truth.

Now, look at the person across from you

And tell them what you really feel inside.

- I think you're bright.

You have a lot of energy.

But I feel you hold yourself back behind walls.

- [Chuckles]

Uh, I think you suck.

And, uh...

- Let's see.

You look really old.

I'm serious.

You should look at yourself. - [Weeping]

- You should do something about that.

- Well, it's been a long day.

And hopefully, you've all gained new access to your feelings.

Beavis and butt-head,

You've made the most progress of all.

- You suck.

You're a dirty butthole.

- Yeah.

Um, I'm, like, really pissed off at you.

You dirty butthole.

- Well, often the first feelings are anger.

But soon, others will follow.

And you'll be flowing from the well within.

Now go out into the world

And radiate the truth of who you are.

[Snickering]

- Dirty butthole.

- Beavis and butt-head?

What have you done now?

- Uh...

We just came by to express our feelings.

- Yeah.

And we're gonna let it flow.

- Well, that sounds like a step in the right direction.

- Yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna take a step over in this direction

If you don't mind.

Feelings are cool.

- Yeah.

I have a feeling I'm about to take a leak on this plant.

- Oh, yeah.

I feel the same way.

Yeah.

In fact, I might even take a dump.

- What?

Hey, stop.

What do you think you're doing?

I'll k*ll you, you little bastards.

[Rock music]

- So, lisa, without your knowledge,

Your dating service set you up with a crazed cult leader

Who practiced ritual animal mutilations.

- All they told me was he liked animals.

[Sobs]

- Yeah.

[Chuckles]

Dead animals.

- Yeah.

Cool.

- But what about the satisfied customers?

Tom?

- It was great, man.

I'd call up the dating service,

And they'd send me another victim.

My attorney says you shouldn't give your real name, geraldo.

Next time, I'll know better.

- Clearly, dating services are helping people meet people.

But do they meet the right people?

When we come back, would you use a dating service?

That's our focus on geraldo.

[Chuckling]

- Don't tell me.

Let me guess.

You men want a date.

- Uh, yeah.

We want two of them.

And make it snappy.

- Yeah, I want one with big boobs, please.

- [Laughs]

Handsome and funny.

Well, first I need you to answer a couple of questions

Here on our compatibility quiz.

- Butt-head, they didn't say anything about a quiz.

- Shut up, beavis.

Do you want to score or not?

- Okay, names.

- Uh, I'm butt-head.

- Hey, that's okay.

A lot of clients don't use their real names.

So what do you do for a living?

- You mean, like, burger world?

- Great, a chef.

- I usually work the grill, myself.

Yeah.

- What's your name?

[Fart noise]

- My attorney says you shouldn't give your real name, geraldo.

- Geraldo.

Yeah, geraldo.

- Oh, wonderful.

Oh, I love spanish men.

Now, tell me about your long-term goals

In a relationship.

- [Chuckles]

"Long."

- Yeah.

I just want to, like, be a father over and over again.

Yeah.

- Oh, how refreshing.

Most people just want sex, sex, sex.

- Uh, how do you meet those chicks?

- [Laughs]

Oh, anyway, now comes the fun part.

You get to make a video.

- Cool.

Are we gonna, like, be naked?

- Yeah.

- [Laughs]

Oh, you.

- Hey, baby.

My name's butt-head.

And I'm, like, a pleasure machine.

[Chuckles]

- I'm curious, geraldo.

When you meet a woman, a woman like me, say,

What are you looking for?

- Um...

I usually look all over.

- It's nice to find someone who sees the total person.

Usually, I feel like the whole scene is such a meat market.

- Meat.

[Snickers]

- Uh, oh, yeah.

Your mission is to turn me on.

[Chuckles]

So, like, my interests are,

Like, doing it,

And, uh, that's about it.

- Geraldo, do you believe in chemistry?

- You mean, like, explosions?

- Yes, yes, exactly.

Do you feel it?

- Um, I was feeling it

When I first came in,

And then I had to use that hand to fill out that form.

But since we've been standing here,

I've been feeling it some more.

- Oh, geraldo,

A million men have passed through here,

But none like you.

- Yeah.

- So what I'm really trying to say is,

I'm just a pleasure machine.

[Chuckles]

I think I forgot that part.

Plus, like, it's a first come, first served deal.

- Listen, I can't let my supervisor catch me.

But would you mind if I called you?

- Yeah.

I could, like, tell you about what I'm feeling.

- Oh, geraldo.

[Telephone rings]

- Uh, hello?

Who?

Damn it, for the last time,

There aren't any mexicans here.

It's, like, every time she calls for this gerondo dude,

It's, like, she could be blocking a call from a chick.

[Knocks on door]

- Um, I'll get it.

- Get it.

[Chuckles]

- Hi.

I'm here to turn on the pleasure machine.

[Laughs]

- Oh, um, that's okay.

The tv works fine now.

The remote just needed some new batteries.

Damn it.

All these interruptions are making it hard

To concentrate on scoring.

[Chuckling]

- Yeah.

But, like, when we're scoring,

That'll give us time to think about other stuff.

- What?

Oh.

I guess you're saying, like,

It all evens out in the end.

- Yeah.

[Chuckles]

The rear end.

[Rock music]

[Bell dinging]

- Quit jumping on my bells, you punks,

Or I'll give you something to jump about.

- Uh...

[Chuckles]

Did he just say "quit jumping on my balls"?

- Yeah.

"Quit jumping on my balls."

- Here, I'll let you break this bottle out back

If you just quit bothering my customers.

- Cool.

Whoa.

Check it out.

- That's the biggest tire I ever saw.

- Yeah.

It's just like the ones at the playground,

Only it isn't bolted down.

You know what that means.

- Yeah.

Um, uh, no.

- It means it's ours.

- Cool.

[Laughing]

This tire is heavy.

- Really.

[Grunts]

This is hard work.

Let's take a break.

- I can't.

I'm holding the tire, butt-head.

- Oh, yeah.

Good job.

- Um...

Maybe we should, like, take turns or something.

- Uh, good idea.

I'll go first.

- Um...

That's not really what I meant, butt-head.

- Beavis, the longer you stand around talking,

The harder it's gonna be to push me to the top.

You'll get your turn on the way back down.

- Oh. Oh, yeah.

Cool.

[Grunting]

- That would've been a cool buzz if you weren't so slow.

Wussy.

- Whoa, check this out.

This town looks small.

It's, like, you can see all the little houses.

Heck it out, butt-head, this is pretty cool.

- Shut up and get in the tire, dumbass.

- Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Cool.

Yeah.

This is gonna be cool.

Wait, butt-head, I'm not ready.

Oh, wait a minute!

[Screaming]

- [Chuckling]

- [Screaming]

[Grunts]

Ow!

- [Chuckles]

Wait up, dillwad.

- [Screaming]

[Tires screeching]

- Oh, damn it.

My good jeans.

- [Screaming]

- Oh, it's beautiful, david.

- Now, the thing to remember about nature photography is to--

- [Screaming]

- David?

David.

- [Chuckles]

- David.

Help.

Somebody, please help.

- [Chuckling]

- [Screaming]

- [Belches]

- [Screaming]

[Train horn blaring]

- [Chuckling]

- Hey!

You step on my property again,

And I'll sh**t your ass!

- [Screaming]

[Grunts]

[Screams]

Ow!

- [Coughing]

- [Screaming]

[Grunts]

Ow!

[Groaning]

[Grunts]

Ow.

Ow.

Damn it, butt-head.

I said I wasn't ready.

Ow.

Ow.

- [Chuckles]

Beavis, that kicked ass.

Come on, it's my turn.

- I don't know, butt-head.

It made me kind of dizzy.

- Well, them you don't have to ride it anymore, wussy.

Just push me.

- Oh, yeah. Okay.

- Whoa!

It's todd.

- Would you like to go for a ride in our tire, sir?

- You preschoolers are dead, man.

You made me spill beer all over my pants.

- We're sorry, sir.

- Want me to kick beavis' ass for you?

- That won't be necessary, man.

- [Screams]

- Yeah, teach him a lesson.

Watch where you're going next time, beavis.

Wuss.

[Laughing]

[Grunts]

[Chuckling]

- Now it's my turn.

- Have you suffered a painful and disabling injury

That was not your fault?

Are you about to be injured?

Would you like to be injured?

Have you ever considered a possible injury?

You could've been injured and not even know about it.

[Laughing]

- Yeah.

- Howdy.

I'm attorney at law joe adler.

I specialize in class "a" whiplash-style injuries.

Our pledge to you is,

If you need cash, dial -whiplash.

- Whoa.

Money just for getting hurt?

That's cool.

- Yeah.

- Uh, beavis, you're about to be injured.

- Oh, yeah.

[Chuckling]

- This is cool.

I hardly ever take the bus to school.

Yeah.

- You hardly ever go to school, dillhole.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I think you're right.

- [Chuckles]

It's, like, if we had a car,

We wouldn't have to take the bus.

But it's, like, you're taking the bus

So that we can, like, have an accident with a car

And, like-- wait a minute.

So we can have some money.

Uh, so, uh...

- Uh, what?

Come on, butt-head. Come on.

- Uh, I forgot.

Now, remember, beavis.

Just sit there and don't do anything.

I'll take care of the rest.

- Okay.

Yeah.

- This is gonna be cool.

[Chuckling]

- Hey, how's it going?

So do you ever, like, take the bus to school?

- What do you think I'm doing right now?

- Oh, yeah.

I get it.

Yeah, me, too.

That's cool.

- [Laughs]

We're gonna be rich.

[Chuckling]

- Can I borrow a pencil?

- Do you even know how to write?

Look, if I give this to you, will you leave me alone?

- Um, yeah.

Maybe.

I don't know.

Oops.

- Where's the damn bus?

- Oh, better get that.

I think it's right down here.

[Snickers]

- Hey, y'all settle down back there.

- Uh...

[Tires screech]

- Whoa.

- [Screams]

- Oh, dear lord.

- [Screams]

- Son, are you all right?

- [Chuckles]

That was cool.

[Chuckling]

So he has, like, that whipped lash thing,

And, like, it really hurts.

- Yeah.

And I'm having bad dreams.

And I poop a lot.

[Snickering]

- Hmm.

Interesting story.

Let me just take a look here.

- [Screams]

- Well, I can see that you have a traumatic injury, son.

But it sure doesn't look like whiplash to me.

- It is whiplash.

Come on, tell him, butt-head.

I was like, "ow, my leg!"

I mean, "ow, my neck!"

Yeah, and I heard something break, too,

Just like on that commercial.

- What we have here is a clear case of negligence.

We are going to sue the school system.

We are going to sue the city.

We are going to sue the state,

And we are going to sue the bus driver.

Now, what you boys need are some top-quality x-rays.

- Cool.

- Yeah.

[Chuckling]

- Here you go, son.

- Let's see.

- Now it's starting to look like

We got ourselves a case of whiplash.

- So can we have some money now?

- Joe adler, you're under arrest for counts of fraud.

- Cool.

- Yeah.

[Chuckling]

- Now, tell me, boys.

How did you get mixed up with this con man?

- Uh, he was gonna give us some money.

- Don't mess with me, boy.

I could send you away right now

For obstruction of justice.

- Uh, okay.

- And what about you, mary?

- My name is beavis, sir.

And well, you see, it's like this.

I was on this bus.

And this girl was checking me out, you know.

She was looking at my nads.

And the bus driver was, like, drunk or something.

And then--

- You lying, little punk.

You're lucky that girl wasn't hurt.

She's ready to testify.

- [Screams]

- I think you two planned that bus accident.

- Does this mean we aren't gonna get the money?

- Shut up.

Did mr. Adler tell you to stop that bus?

- Uh, no.

We thought of it ourselves, sir.

- Hey, hey, shut up.

Damn it, I'm talking to you, not you.

I'm talking to this guy right here.

Look me in the eye, boy, and tell me the truth.

- Yeah.

I didn't really know what was going on.

It was, like, butt-head just told me to sit there,

And he said he'd take care of the rest.

- Damn it, beavis.

Tell the truth.

- I am telling the truth.

- You did know what was going on, didn't you?

- No, I didn't.

- Just admit it!

I bet you don't even have whiplash, do you?

- [Screams]

My neck!

[Rock music]

- Whiplash is cool.

[Bluesy rock music]

♪