900x17 - The Mike Judge Collection 208

[bunniefuu]

[Chuckling]

[Bluesy rock music]

♪

- Morgendorffer, sanchez,

Zunker.

- Is that it?

- Well, it should be, but I don't see beavis and butt-head.

They usually don't miss field trips.

- Uh, something's wrong.

[Chuckles]

- Oh, yeah.

Maybe we're late or something.

- Uh, maybe.

- So like, um, what should we do?

- Uh...

Let's write "big butt" on the chalkboard.

- Yeah, cool.

[Chuckling]

- Wait a minute, beavis.

I think it's trying to tell us something.

Uh, "feel tit"...

Uh, "tripe"...

"Todd," uh...

Hey, stop the bus.

- Hey, don't leave, damn it. Wait for us.

[Chuckling]

- That was close.

- Yeah. Next time, tell us, butthole.

- Okay, people, I hope we're ready

For our hike down beautiful mount perdido.

- [Chuckles] "mount."

- Yeah.

- Now, class, even though there's an abundance

Of breathtaking rock formations and fascinating plant life,

I have to warn you that this hike

Will be quite a workout, mm-kay?

- I've got a rock formation in my pants.

- Yeah.

- Now, to pass the time, I thought we might enjoy

Some music, okay?

Any requests?

- Like, bottles of beer?

- Good, dean, but beer and driving don't mix, okay?

How about bottles of tea on the wall?

But let's try sort of a different arrangement, okay?

[Car horns honking]

What's going on? Why is everybody honking?

- Peek-a-boo.

- Hey, hey, beavis and butt-head, no.

[Sighs] come on. - Peek-a-boo.

- I'm sorry, but obviously, you boys can't be trusted

To be by yourselves in the back.

I want you to come up here right now

And switch seats with me, okay?

- Uh, we'll be better.

- Yeah.

We'll give 'em a pressed fruit bowl.

- I mean it, boys.

Come on, get up here right now.

[Chuckling]

And please pull your pants up, okay?

- Uh, oh, yeah.

- Now, I hope you guys understand

Why I'm making you sit up here.

There are rules on the bus, and they're for your own good.

Now, try to behave.

I'm gonna go sit in the back, okay?

- Rules suck. - Yeah.

- Stay in your lane, you son of bitch!

This isn't the indy, ya moron.

- Cool.

- That dude's pissed. - Yeah, really.

How come he gets to, like, flip off cars and stuff,

But then it's like when we do it,

We have to come sit up here?

- Uh, I think it's like if you're in front of that line,

Then you get to do all that stuff.

- Whoa. Really?

You mean we can, like, scream at people and give 'em the finger?

Yeah, let's go.

- Uh, hey, dude.

- Hey, sit the hell down!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, get out of the lane, you son of a bitch,

Or we'll kick your ass, bastard!

Yeah, watch where you're going! Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- [Sighs] what's gotten into those two now?

- Get out of my lane, you son of bitch!

- Sit down, or I'm stopping this bus!

- Yeah, that means you too.

- All right, that's it, butt-head; sit down.

You too, beavis. Come on.

- No way! I'm in front of the white line, damn it.

Now, sit down, and shut up, you son of a bitch.

Ahh!

- Okay, people, it's obvious we're all a little overexcited.

I think I'll cool things down with a little song I wrote.

It's called touch a mountain, okay?

[Strumming guitar softly]

♪ Children of the earth

♪ Rejoice

♪ Each new day

♪ We have a choice

♪ So touch a mountain

♪ Climb a mountain

♪ Feel a mountain...

- Oh, damn it. I missed the turn.

[Tires screeching]

- [Screaming]

- Whoa.

That was cool.

- Yeah.

[Chuckling]

- This was a pretty cool field trip.

- Yeah.

It's like a really learned something.

[Soft acoustic guitar music]

♪

- ♪ Children look around

♪ And see

♪ The wonder...

- Mr. Van driessen, is that you?

Are you okay?

- Don't look, son. He may be dead.

- ♪ Climb a mountain

♪ Feel a mountain...

[Mr. Van driessen howls in pain]

[Chuckling]

[Rock music]

♪

[Bluesy rock music]

♪

[Chuckling]

- Boing!

- Whoa, I just, like, thought of something, beavis.

Someday, every one of these is going to be on a wiener.

- Oh, yeah.

[Chuckling]

Yeah.

- And then you know where it's gonna be after that.

[Chuckling]

- Oh, yeah.

Whoa, check it out, butt-head.

What is this thing?

- Uh, I think it's a ride or something.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

This is gonna be cool.

- Yeah.

- Um, how come I'm not moving?

- Uh, you have to, like, start it first, dumbass.

[Chuckles]

This is gonna be cool.

- Here we go.

[Air hissing]

Whoa. Wait a second.

This thing is starting to hurt, butt-head.

Ow.

Ow! Hey!

Ah!

Damn it, this is freaking me out, ow!

It's squeezing my arm, butt-head.

Ow! This sucks!

[Grunting]

It won't let go. Get it off, butt-head.

- "Get it off." - Cut it out.

- Uh, let's see.

Uh, "em-mur"...

Uh, "e-mer"...

"Guh"... - Ow! Stop!

- This sucks.

- Butt-head, go get something to cut this thing off.

Ow!

- Uh, don't go anywhere, beavis.

I'll be back.

- Ow!

Ah!

- [Chuckling]

- Hi, would you like to try a slice of our party pizza today?

- Uh, is it free?

- Yeah, it's a free sample.

- Cool.

- Here you go.

- Uh, is that all?

What a rip-off.

Are you gonna make some more?

'Cause, uh, I like pepperoni and stuff

And big slices too.

- [Grunting]

- Hey, beavis, check it out: a diaper for old people.

[Chuckling]

- Oh, yeah.

Ow!

Come on, butt-head, get me out of here.

- Some guy's gonna take a dump in these.

- Oh, yeah.

Ah!

[Grunting]

Come on, butt-head, help me. Ow!

- You look like a dork.

- Go get something to cut this thing off.

Ow! - Uh, oh, yeah.

Screws. [Chuckles]

- Hey, looking for a tool?

- "Tool."

- Yeah. Uh-huh.

- Uh, I need something sharp to, like, cut something off.

- [Chuckles]

You mean, like a pair of scissors?

- Uh, no. Do you have, like, a chain saw?

- Well, we don't have any of those,

But we have some of these small wood saws.

- Uh, okay.

I'll trade you for these diapers.

You can poop in 'em.

- [Chuckles] okay.

I'll just put these back for you.

- Okay, beavis.

- Damn it.

- We're gonna get you out of here.

- Hurry up, butt-head. Come on. I'm gonna die. Hurry up.

- Hold still, beavis.

It's only gonna hurt for a second.

Uh, let's see.

- Ow! Ah! Ow!

Not my arm, butt-head! No!

No, no. I'm gonna die.

No. Help.

- Whoa, whoa. Hey. - Ow.

Ah! Ow!

Oh, thanks.

- You okay there, buddy. - Whoa. Um, no.

- You should stick your wiener in there, beavis.

- Oh, yeah.

- Hmm, your blood pressure is dangerously high

For a boy your age.

- Really? Cool.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey. This ain't joking around, okay?

I want you to go see a doctor right away.

Now, in the meantime, I'm gonna give you some pills

That should your high blood pressure.

Now, it's very important that you avoid

Any kind of stressful situation.

Try to relax. Maybe stay home.

Watch a little tv.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me the pill.

Give me the pill. Now!

Just get this open, here.

[Grunting]

Damn it! Open! Ah!

Damn it! Son of a bitch! Open!

- Settle down, butt-munch.

- Shut up! Come on, open! Damn it!

I'll kick your ass!

Ohh! No! Ah!

I got it. I got it.

[Grunting]

Butt-head, I think my arm is stuck.

- You need to relax, beavis.

- Damn it! - Dumbass.

[Rock music]

♪

♪

- Prostitutes are coming to highland.

- Whoa. - Yeah, yeah.

- Cool.

- That's right, but they're actually policewomen

Posing as prostitutes.

Officials say highland doesn't have

Much of a prostitution problem,

And they are determined to keep it that way.

The new campaign will feature female officers

Dressed as ladies of the night,

Ready to arrest anyone who makes the mistake

Of propositioning them.

- Uh, positioning them?

- Yeah, yeah.

If you could just hold it in that position

While I pull down my pants.

[Chuckling]

- Prostitutes.

We're there.

- Yeah.

- Now, remember,

The john's got to make a clear offer, money for sex,

Or the charges won't hold up.

- Yeah, yeah. I know how it works.

[Chuckling]

- Hey, beavis, there's one.

- Cool. Yeah.

- This is it.

- Check this out.

Hey, baby.

Uh...

- Hi, there.

- Whoa.

- So like, uh... How much or something?

- . - Cool.

Hey, beavis, you got ¢?

- No, bucks.

- This is just what we need.

- Cool. Bucks to do it?

She much really want it if she's gonna pay us bucks to do it.

- God. What a dumbass.

- You dumbass.

- Very funny, guys.

Now, why don't we go up to my room?

- Yeah. Let's get naked.

- Cool.

Butt-naked.

Doi-oi-oi-oi-ing!

P-ting! P-ting! P-ting!

- Why don't you come a little closer?

I won't bite.

[Chuckling]

- Whoa, hey, check it out, butt-head.

There's a giant rubber in the bathroom.

- This could be it.

- Come on. Make a specific offer for sex.

Make a specific offer for sex.

- That's a shower cap, dumbass.

- Check this out.

Doi-oi-oi-oi-ing!

- Look. Forget about the bathroom.

- So, like, uh... What now?

- That depends on you.

You've got to tell me what you want to do.

- Uh... I'd like to do it.

- Yeah, yeah, me too. Yeah.

- Really?

What exactly do you mean by "it"?

- Uh...

[Chuckling]

- No, really.

What does "it" mean?

- Uh... You know, it.

- Yeah.

And we want to see your thingies.

- It? My thingies?

Come on, you're both big boys.

Can't you just be a little more specific?

[Chuckling]

- Uh, no.

- Look, I can't help you guys

Unless you say very specifically what you want.

I need a hard offer of money for sex!

- Hard. [Laughs]

- Damn it. Please don't blow it.

- Are you interested in paying cash for sexual intercourse?

Is that what you want?

[Chuckling]

- Sexual intercourse.

- Damn it, linda. That's entrapment.

- Hey, check out it out. This chick really wants it.

I've never seen anything like this.

- Uh...

So you mean you're, like, just a cop?

- Yes.

- So, like, uh, if you're a cop,

Why don't you get rid of this dork so we can get it on?

- Yeah.

- Look, you're lucky you didn't get arrested.

- Yeah, really.

Um, do you know of any real prostitutes around here?

'Cause I still have a stiffy.

- Get out of here!

[Chuckling]

- We were gonna pay money for sex.

[Rock music]

♪

[Bluesy rock music]

♪

- And when this magic b*llet went into the president's chest,

It had to make a sharp turn in order to exit his body

From the neck.

Then it would have had to turn right, then left,

And somehow have enough energy

To hit the governor in the front seat.

Clearly, the assassination was a conspiracy.

- Thank you, daria.

That gave me the chills.

People, these have been some of the best oral reports

I've ever heard.

- [Chuckling]

"Oral."

- Yeah. I'm gonna do an a**l report.

- Let's see, the last two people we've yet to hear from

Are beavis and butt-head.

It's time for your reports on a historical american figure.

- Uh...

- Um...

- Now, beavis and butt-head, if you don't give your reports,

I'll be forced to give you both "f"s for the semester, okay?

- Uh, okay.

- Yeah, "f" is cool.

Fff-fa-ffff-fa-ffff.

- An "f" would mean being left back.

Repeating the ninth grade.

- Uh, let's see.

Uh, after nine is-- eight, nine, ten...

Whoa, beavis.

That means we won't have to be in the tenth grade.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool.

- You guys will never graduate.

- Uh, never masturbate?

- Graduate, it's when you're all done with school.

- Um, you mean, like, school ends?

- That's right, beavis.

When you graduate, you'll never have to attend another class

Again if you don't want to.

But that's not gonna happen

Unless you pass american history,

Which means you need to give your oral report right now.

Okay?

- Uh, excuse me.

Uh, I have an oral report.

- No way, me first.

- Shut up, beavis. It's my turn.

- No way, butt-head, not this time.

Um, my a**l report is about, um--

I mean, my oral report is about, um...

Um, yeah, um...

Uh, okay, um...

Um, uh...it's, um...

It's about, um...

Um...

- Beavis, are you not prepared?

- No, wait, wait, wait, um...

My report is on the time me and butt-head had, um...

Had, like, dinner and stuff, yeah.

- Now, beavis, what does that have to do

With american history?

- Shut up; I'm not done yet. Yeah.

- Beavis, this better be educational, mm-kay?

- Um, okay, so, like, um...

Once upon a time, um, I mean, um, like, last week, um,

We were gonna, like, uh, eat.

[Chuckling]

Hey, what are you doing?

- Look.

[Chuckling]

- Oh, yeah.

That was cool.

I mean, uh, I mean, that was, um, educational.

Yeah, yeah.

And then--and then we were sitting there, um...

And then, um...

- Hey, beavis.

If you, like, look at the window,

You can stare at chicks, and they can't see you.

- Really? Cool.

Um...

It's not working.

- No, dumbass, over there.

- Oh, yeah.

This is cool.

[Chuckling]

Um, that dinner, like, changed my life and stuff.

Yeah, and, like, I'll never forget it.

The end.

- Beavis, that was the worst report I have ever heard.

What did your report have to do with american history?

- Um, well, um, it happened last week, and um...

And it was, like, in america.

Yeah, so it's, like, history.

Pretty cool.

Thank you very much.

- Well, for making an effort, beavis, albeit a very weak one,

I'm going to give you a d-minus.

- Yes. Cool.

- Whoa.

That ruled.

- Now, butt-head, please make your report

About a figure in american history.

- Uh, okay.

Uh, my report is, uh...

My report is about the time I kicked beavis in the nads

And he was, like, passed out all day.

- Oh, yeah.

- Butt-head...

- He, like, turned blue and stopped breathing.

- Butt-head...

- Then, like, he couldn't remember his name.

- All right, butt-head, I'll give you a d-minus, okay?

- [Chuckles]

The end.

We're gonna graduate.

[Chuckling]

- Yeah.

[Rock music]

♪