900x19 - The Mike Judge Collection 210

[bunniefuu]

[Chuckling]

[Bluesy rock music]

♪

[Knocks on door]

- Is there, like, a reward for your kids?

- What are you talking about?

- Yeah. We found 'em.

- What do you mean?

They were just playing in the yard.

- Uh, no they weren't.

They were, like, out on the sidewalk.

- Yeah, they were just, like, wandering around and stuff,

But--you know, but they're all safe now,

So, um, can we have some money?

- Yeah.

Could we, like, just have some money for our troubles?

- Well, if you boys need money that bad,

Maybe you can watch the kids for me.

What are you boys doing tonight?

- We're gonna watch tournament of warriors .

It's gonna rule.

- Well, their dad's in town and wants to meet me,

But I can't leave without someone to watch the youngsters.

I'll pay you each $,

And you can watch your warrior program on the tv.

- Whoa.

She's gonna pay us money just to watch tv.

- Yeah. This is gonna be cool.

Ha-hoo!

- Just make sure they stay out of trouble

And are in bed by :.

I'll be back in a few hours.

[Chuckling]

- Hey, man. How's it going?

- You're not supposed to touch 'em, beavis.

It's, like, against the law or something.

- Oh. Oh, yeah.

- When me and heart att*ck boyak get into the ring,

We're gonna rip off his mask,

And we're gonna show the world who he really is.

- This is going to be the coolest thing we have ever seen.

- Yeah.

- These are my power fighters,

And this is their x- sonic night scope.

- That's stupid.

- Yeah.

Get out of the way, butt-munch. You're blocking the tv.

- This is my house, and I don't want to watch this.

- Uh. - Hey, what are you doing?

- [Babbling]

- Uh-huh.

- [Babbling]

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, check this out.

[Gibberish]

Hey, butt-head, this kid's pretty cool.

Check this out.

[Gibberish]

Caca poo poo.

- Settle down, beavis.

- You're supposed to feed the baby and put him to bed.

- Oh, yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Here you go.

Booby booby.

- Are you stupid, beavis?

How's he gonna open that thing?

Dumbass.

- Oh, yeah.

[Metallic clanking]

Um, there you go.

Uh...

[Sniffing]

Uh, beavis...

[Coughs]

Did you cut the cheese?

- Um, I don't think so.

- The baby's diaper is dirty.

- Really?

That's cool.

- Yeah.

I'm telling you, butt-head, that kid kicks ass.

- Read me a story.

- No way.

You don't have to read if you're not in school, dude.

Don't you know anything?

No.

- No.

- No.

- These toys suck.

- Yeah, really.

They're for, like, little kids or something.

- Yeah.

Um...

Hey, butt-head, didn't that old chick, like,

Want us to do something?

- Uh...

I think she said we're supposed to, like, go to bed.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Um, and then she's gonna, like, pay us and stuff, right?

- Of course she is, butt-munch.

She better.

We're doing our jobs.

- The everything bag comes initialed

And includes four separate compartments

And a detachable key holder.

The everything bag comes in bone, tan, and black.

- [Belches]

- [Snoring]

- Hi, mommy.

- What in the hell are you doing still up?

[Sniffing]

Where are those two babysitters I left you with?

What are you doing? - What?

- Get out of my kids' beds.

- Uh, we're not done.

- Yeah. Just give me a few more hours.

- I'm giving you ten seconds to get out of those beds

And get the hell out of my house.

- Uh, what about our money?

- Oh, yeah.

And, um, we're gonna have to charge you a little extra,

Ma'am, because of the poop.

- Get out!

You're the worst damn babysitters I've ever seen.

- Damn it, beavis.

She was probably gonna pay us

Until you started blabbing about poop.

- Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.

That's okay, though, because, um--

Because I left a little something in the bed.

- Cool.

- Poop!

[Bluesy rock music]

♪

[Both chuckling]

- Whoa, check it out.

- Yeah.

- You touch me, I shiver.

Your tongue, I quiver.

My loins, my liver.

I, the taker.

You, the giver.

- Whoa.

I've got something to give her.

- Yeah.

- Did you like my poem?

- Uh... Your what?

- Yeah, yeah.

Your loins, your liver, yeah.

- There's plenty more inside.

- Cool.

[Chuckling]

- And then, my friend,

You die.

[Louder] and then, my friend,

You die, man!

And then...

[Gasps]

My friend.

[Scattered applause]

- You die! Yeah.

- Thank you.

- That was cool.

- Thank you, omar.

Is there anyone who'd like to read now?

Any new blood?

- Check this out.

Uh...i got some rhymes for the house.

- What's your name, young brother?

- Uh... Butt-head.

- Cool.

Let's groove for a while with butt-head.

- Yeah.

[Scattered applause]

Groove with me, people.

[Chuckles]

This is gonna be cool.

- Um...i'm just gonna sit here, yeah.

- Yeah, man, take a load off.

- [Chuckles]

Take a load.

- Check this out.

Uh...

There once was a man from venus

With a rocket ship for a...a... Wiener.

- Yeah, yeah!

[Pounding table]

- Uh...okay, here's--

- Hi, what can I bring you guys?

- Um... - Here I sit--

- Uh, yeah, get me a triple amaretto cappuccino,

Low on the foam, a double sh*t,

And bring the man here one too, right?

- The phone is ringing, and I cannot linger.

So look out, butt,

Here comes my finger.

[Audience groaning]

And then, my friend, you die.

- Yeah, yeah! You die!

[Pounding table]

- That was cool.

- Um...um...

- Try it, man, come on. It's--it's cappuccino.

- [Chuckles] crappuccino? Crappuccino.

[Chuckles] yeah. - Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha.

- Yeah, copasetic, dialectic.

- Wahhh! Copasetic, copasetic!

Gimme that.

- This is a peepee--no.

- Hi, more cappuccino?

- I need crappuccino for my bunghole!

Gimme that!

[Chittering]

- Uh, I'll tell that one later.

- [Speaking gibberish]

[Bones creaking]

- There once was a lady from china

With a popsicle in her--

- Thanks, thanks, kid.

[Microphone feedback whines]

That was organic.

Let's give someone else a sh*t at the mic.

- [Chittering]

I am cornholio!

My bunghole will speak now!

Ah, hey.

Are you threatening me?

I must have more crappuccino for my bunghole.

Bungholio, bungholio.

[Slurping]

[Gibbering incoherently]

I am cornholio!

I need t.p. For my bunghole!

I want all your crappuccino!

- Do it, brother beavis.

- Are you threatening me?

You do not want to face the wrath of my bunghole.

My bunghole, it goes bungo.

Tungo, tungo, tungo. Tungo!

Rap-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.

And one for you.

Parrrrr!

[Gulps]

- Hi, I run the multicultural poetry program

At the university.

Your friend is, uh, unusual. What is he?

Hispanic? Russian?

- Uh... Yeah, he's russian.

[Chuckles]

- Uh...hmm.

Amazing energy.

I'd love to see his portfolio.

- Portfolio? Folio, folio?

Arriba, arriba, yeah.

I come from lake titicaca.

- Hey, man, you been holding out on us.

Where'd you get all these crazy rhymes?

- Would you like to see my portfolio?

I have a portfolio in my bunghole with my oleo.

- Wow, this is groundbreaking stuff, man.

- [Gibbering]

[Groaning]

Thud!

[Microphone feedback whines]

Hey, how's it goin'? Oh, yeah.

Um, roses are--no, um...

Heh. Oh, I know.

Uh... Here I sit brokenhearted.

I pay the quarter--

You got a quarter?

- Well, his minutes of fame are over.

I guess nobody can keep up that kind of intensity.

- Wait, I want more. Man, he's not done.

Alfons.

Bring my boy another cappuccino, a quadruple.

- Quarter, pay the dime...

- Yeah, leave the pot.

- Oh. Thanks.

Yeah.

[Slurping]

Yep.

[Mug clinking]

[Slurping]

Mmm.

[Gibbering incoherently]

Yeah!

I am the great cornholio!

You have awakened my bunghole!

And now you must pay!

[Chittering]

The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers!

[Chuckles]

That would be cool.

[Gibbering]

[Chuckling]

[Bluesy rock music]

♪

- Isn't this the same place that those other kids

Got k*lled two years ago?

- Don't be crazy, tina.

You act like you don't even want to get it on.

[Chain saw buzzing]

Ahhhhh!

[Chuckling]

- That dude with the mask is messed up.

- Yeah, really.

He didn't even wait for that chick to take off her shirt.

- Yeah.

It's, like, this could never happen in real life.

[Doorbell rings]

Damn it.

That's, like, the tenth time tonight, or something.

[Doorbell ringing repeatedly]

- Um, maybe we should see who it is.

- Uh, oh, yeah.

Together: trick or treat.

- Cool.

- Um, who was that?

- Just some dudes passing out free samples.

- Cool. Free samples rule, yeah.

[Banging at door]

- You take my kids' candy, and I kick your ass.

- Ugh! - Ah!

- Oof! [Coughing]

- Happy halloween.

- Uh...

"Ween."

- Yeah.

[Both chuckling and coughing]

That sucks that we're, like, too old to get candy.

- No way, beavis.

There aren't any laws about halloween.

- Really? Cool.

[Doorbell rings]

- Um, can I help you?

- Uh, yeah, we need some candy.

- Yeah, give us some of that,

Come on.

- Fellas, you're a little old for this,

And I really think you ought to have costumes.

- Um, are you sure there's no laws, butt-head?

- Uh...

Let's switch sides, dude.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, okay.

[Doorbell rings]

- Come on, I mean it, no costumes, no candy.

- This sucks.

- Yeah. Eh! Eh!

[Chuckling]

- Um, these sheets smell funny.

- Yeah.

These are my special monkey sheets.

- Ah, damn it! Get it off me!

Ah! Ahh! Ah!

[Chuckling]

- Uh...

Uh...

You've got your head up your butt.

- No way. Check it out.

I'm a nad. Get it? See?

A big old nad.

- You're a dumbass.

Whoa, I got it.

[Chuckling]

- Hi, I'm a nad.

No, wait, um, "hi, I'm a nad."

[Chuckles]

How's it going?

Can I have some candy, please?

I'm a nad.

- Um, whoa, cool.

Well, um, what are you supposed to be?

- Uh...

Guess.

Uhh-uhh.

- Whoa.

[Chuckling]

I'm nachos.

- Yeah, that's cool.

We should do this all the time.

- Ween. - Yeah.

[Chuckling]

[Doorbell rings]

Together: trick or treat.

- Yeah.

- Hello, kemosabes.

Got something for you right over here.

Ah-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.

- Check it out, I'm nachos.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm a nad.

Get it? See?

- I there, white ranger.

There you go, young fella, ah-heh-heh-heh.

There you go, and one for you too,

Ah-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.

Happy halloween, and remember,

Satan wears disguises too.

- Hey, you forgot our candy.

- Boys, these pamphlets will make

For some scary halloween readin'.

- Uh... - Um.

- What?

- You know, most boys your age don't go trick-or-treatin'.

- Yeah. Some kids are stupid.

- Yeah, yeah, really.

- What a dumbass.

- Yeah, yeah, damn son of a bitch.

[Doorbell rings]

- Uh, hey, baby.

- Yeah, yeah, hey, baby, I'm a nad.

- Oh, sh**t, boys, stewart just left.

- Uh, we don't want stewart. We want some candy.

- Now, come on, I'm saving that for the trick-or-treaters.

Maybe you can catch up with him.

He's with his youth group.

- Damn it, this is starting to piss me off.

- Yeah, it's, like, I got all dressed up as a nad,

And it's, like, no one's given me any candy.

[Doorbell rings]

Um, hi, I'm a nad, and I need some candy for, like,

Poor people and stuff, yeah.

- Well, beavis, all I have are some organic walnut clusters

And these "my other car is a bike" bumper stickers.

- Uh...

- Um.

- Uh, I'll take the sticker.

- Um, yeah, me too, yeah.

- Okay, guys, happy hunting.

- Butthole.

Damn it.

We need to find, like, a stupid dude to give us some candy.

- Whoa...

That's a good idea.

[Chuckling]

- Yeah.

- Now, what in the hell are you boys supposed to be?

- [Chuckles]

I'm a nad.

- I'm a dumbass.

Check it out.

Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh.

- Yeah.

- Uh, can we just, like, have some candy?

- Yeah, yeah, really.

[Telephone rings]

- Well, now, hold on a minute.

- Tom?

- Well, john thomas, how long's it been?

- [Speaking indistinctly] - that long, huh?

[Chuckling]

- My, my. Oh, sure, I got d*ck's number.

Hold on a minute. I've got to rummage it out...

[Chuckling]

- Yeah.

- Uh...

- Well, you don't say.

Yeah, I've got some trick-or-treaters here.

Uh, yeah, I know.

- Uh, hey, give me some, butt-munch.

- Ahh! No way. Get out of here.

- Settle down.

[Doorbell buzzes]

- Trick or treat.

- Ahhhhhh!

- Hmm, um, I tell you what,

Why don't we go to another house, okay?

Yeah, this is not a good one, yeah.

- Ahhhhh!

Ahh! Ahhh!

Ahhhh!

- Okay, john, good talkin' to ya.

Now, where was i?

Oh, right, I was gonna give you boys some candy.

What in the hell?

- Ahhhh!

Ooh-aaah! Ahhh!

- Hey. Hey, now, damn it.

Get the hell out of my house, boy.

- [Chuckles]

- Well, you're welcome, you damn, ungrateful bastards.

- Yeah, really.

That bastard didn't let me have any.

- Aah-eee-ooooh,

Aah-eee-ahh-oooh.

- I'm the great pumpkin.

Who are you supposed to be?

- I am cornholio!

I need t.p. For my bunghole.

Yeah.

You will give me all your caca.

Ooooh, oooooh, ahhhhh.

I have no bunghole. I am bungholio.

- Get the hell off my property, you son of a bitch.

- Ahh-ahh-ahh-aaahh.

- No way, stewart. What if your mom finds out?

- She won't find out.

Besides, this year, I'm really gonna t.p. Something.

- Oooh-dom-dom-dom, errr, ahhhh!

Oooh, ahhh, t.p.

You must give me your t.p.

- G-gosh, beavis, ha-ha, you scared me.

- Trick or treat, son of a bitch!

Hm-hm-arrrgh.

- Come on, beavis, I know it's you.

- Ah! - Is he on dope?

- Give me your t.p.!

- Okay, okay, take it easy, man.

- Raaaaah! Hm-hm-hm, yeah.

You will not be safe from the almighty bunghole.

I am cornholio.

Bunghole.

- Damn it, beavis, come back here with that bag.

You owe me, bungwipe.

- Ahhh, rolio,

Rolios for my bunghole.

Oooh.

Ooooh.

- [Speaking hyper gibberish]

Gada-ga-ho for my bunghole.

I am cornholio.

I need rolios for my bunghole.

- Beavis, get back here with that candy

Before I kick your ass.

[Car engine revving]

Whoa, todd.

[Tires screeching]

- Hey, man, move your ass out of the street.

- Are you threatening me?

- What did you say, punk?

- Do not underestimate the power of the almighty bunghole,

Ahhhh-waaah.

- This is messed up, man.

- Oh, you think this is funny?

- Uh, yeah.

So, like, uh, can I come with you guys?

Let's go kick some ass.

- Yeah, okay.

Let's take this little turd out into the country.

- Uh!

Ugh!

[Engine revving]

[Tires squealing]

- You cannot escape the almighty bunghole.

Run as you may.

You cannot escape... Bungholio.

[Speaking hyper gibberish]

You cannot run from your own bunghole.

- Gosh, dad, this graveyard sure is spooky.

- [Speaking hyper gibberish]

Wow, here lies the great bunghole.

- Did you hear something, dad?

- Oh, god. I'm frightened.

- Come on, it's just the wind.

- Or a ghost. - Ahh!

I am cornholio... - Daddy!

- Guardian of the great bunghole.

- Honey, let's go.

- You must give me your candy.

I need rolios for my bunghole.

A-a-all right, just do as he says.

Put down your bag.

- No, I don't want to give him my candy, no.

- Just put your bag down, son.

We'll buy you some more tomorrow.

- No.

- Come on, put down your bag and run.

- No, no.

- Aaah, rolio,

Rolios for my bunghole.

[Engine revving]

[Tires screeching]

- Uh-uh...

That was cool.

Uh, so what are we gonna do now?

- I don't know, man.

- Uh...

Uh, uh-oh.

- Yeah, yeah.

Mm-mm-mm-mm, aahhhh.

Arr-arrh-ehh-aahhh...

I am cornholio.

Rah-holiooooo....

Rah-holiooooo...

Bungholiooooo.

I have no bunghole.

I have no bunghoooolio.

I am the great cornholio,

The almighty bunghole...

The great, almighty,

One-and-only bungholiooooo.

I have no bunghole.

I have cornholio in my bunghole.

That was pretty cool.

Yeah, yeah.

I am cornholio.

Have you seen the almighty bunghole?

Lead me to the almighty bunghole.

- Oooh, get in that barn, boy,

Ah-ha-ha-ha-hooo.

- Do you have candy? Do you have t.p.?

- Ha-ha-ha-ho, oh, yeah.

Ooooh, ooh-ho-ho-ho,

I got lots of goodies in the barn.

Ha-ha-ha, ah-ha-ha, yeah, ooh.

Take a looksie, ho-ho-ho, oh-ho.

- In this barn there will be t.p.

And candy for my bunghole.

- [Laughs creepily]

- Err...

Hm, ow.

H-hey, hey, what's going on?

[Chickens clucking]

Whoa, cool.

Ow.

Hey, what is this thing? This hurts.

Ow!

- [Laughing creepily]

- [Chuckling]

[Haunting music]

♪

- Hey, butt-head, come on, get me down,

And we'll go get some more candy.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, butt-head, let's get out of here.

- Well, there's a time to reap and a time to sow.

[Chain saws buzzing]

- This is gonna be cool.

- Oh-ho, yeah.

This is liable to get messy.

- Butt-head... Come on, butt-head.

Come on, butt-head.

Ah!

- Ooh, chill, son. It's not funny.

- No!

Ahhhhh!

[Dramatic music]

♪