900x25 - The Mike Judge Collection 306

[bunniefuu]

[laughing]

♪♪

[sizzling]

Uh, hello, can I... uh...

Hi, how-- may I...

Uh, hey, Beavis, what's that thing we're supposed to say?

Oh, um, I think it's um, um... bunghole.

Yeah, that's it, bunghole.

Uh, do you want like, some food or something?

No, I want your money.

Uh, will that be all for you today?

Now! Empty the drawer!

Uh... empty my drawers?

I've got a g*n, idiot!

This is a robbery.

Whoa, cool.

[laughing]

[beeping]

Hey, Beavis, this dude says he's got a g*n.

Cool.

Tell him to go home and get it.

It's in my pants.

[laughing]

Don't make me take it out.

Whip it out.

[laughing][g*n cocking]

There, now give me some money!

Whoa, uh... okay.

Oh, damn, it's the cops, dammit!

Yeah, really, dammit.

It's that dumbass cop again.

He probably wants another free refill.

All right, listen, I work here, you got it?

It's my first day and you're training me.

Don't screw up.

Remember, I got a g*n.

Uh... what was that g*n part again?

Hey, fill it and not so much ice this time.

Do you work here?

Uh, watch where you're pointing that, butthole.

What are you doing back there?

Uh... tell him.Uh!

I told you to stop that, asswipe.

He's gonna whip it out, Butt-Head.

It's my first day on the job.

And this kid's training me.Uh!

Uh, could you tell this asswipe to quit pointing his g*n at me?

Freeze, scumbag!

Congratulations, you boys just made a citizen's arrest.

Uh, really?

Yeah, cool.

Hey, Beavis.

That cop said we can just like, bust people and stuff.

[siren blaring]'Cause we're like citizens?

Yeah, cool.

We're citizens now.

Citizens.

Beware the long arm of Butt-Head.

[laughing]

Beware of the long wiener of Beavis.

[laughing]

[tires screeching]

Yes?

Uh, excuse me, sir.

We're citizens.So?

Uh, how old are you, sir?What?

Yeah, well, I think you're old enough to know better.

Can you step out of the car, please?

Why? What's this all about?

Hey, we'll ask the questions, sir.

Uh, how much have you had to drink today, sir?

You can make it easy on us all if you just cooperate.

Hey, I'm going somewhere else.

Uh...

[laughing]

Well, everything looks secure out here.

[laughing]

Hey, Butt-Head, let's arrest her.

Yeah.

She looks suspicious.

Excuse me, ma'am, is that yours?

I don't know.

You don't know, huh?

Yeah, well, maybe you better start remembering.

Uh, ma'am, that wrapper didn't get there by itself,

and it's not just gonna pick itself up.

So if you could just like, uh...

lean over and, uh, you know.[laughing]

Yeah-yeah.

Aren't you guys paid to clean it up?

Ma'am, we're here to keep this store safe.

Now we had a robbery earlier today

and I was almost k*lled trying to protect this store.

Now I don't know if you had anything to do with it or not.

But when I see garbage on the floor,

it tells me that people don't care.

And when people stop caring, that's when crime breeds

and criminals take over...

All right, all right, I'll pick it up.

In society, um...

Whoa.

Cool.

Yeah, that's better.

Maybe you'll think about it next time.

[laughing]

[man] Hello? I'd like to order?

Book him, Beavis.

Yeah-yeah.

Um, you're under arrest, sir.

Very funny, smart ass.

[Butt-Head] Okay, now step out of the car, sir.

Nice and slow, move it.

Now like, put your hands on the car and spread 'em.

[Beavis] Yeah-yeah, spread 'em, spread 'em!

Yeah, now whip out your schlong.

You're just making it harder on yourself, pal, come on.

You better say something fast, the cops are here already.

[man] Remember me?

[Beavis] Hey, how's it going?

[thudding] Ow!

Ow! Hey, you're under arrest!

♪♪

Hey, we're citizens!

♪♪

Ah, boy, I feel pretty good right about now.

Yeah, I feel pretty good too.

I think I finally got some sleep.

Yeah, yeah, I just...

I don't know why, I just feel pretty good.

[laughing]

Uh... I think we're late again.

School's closed.

It's a holiday, you dumbasses.

Whoa, no school.

Yeah, no school.

Wow.

Hey, guys, what are you doing here?

Didn't you hear, school's closed.

Uh, yeah?

Hey, do you guys wanna go do something?

Uh, no.

[laughing] I was just kidding.

I have to meet with my buds in the youth group.

See ya, guys.

Whoa, that was cool.

I thought he was gonna like, follow us around again.

Yeah, yeah, that was cool.

Ah, boy.

[laughing]

Check it out, Butt-Head, p*rn!

Whoa.

[laughing]

Cool.

Naked chicks.

Yeah.

[laughing]

[tires screeching, horns honking]

That was cool.Yeah.

[car doors opening]

[tires screeching]

Whoa.

[laughing]

This day just keeps getting better.

[man] What is your problem?

[Beavis] Yeah, I still feel pretty good.

Look at 'em.

Hey, Beavis, I think that's our dog, remember?

Oh, yeah-yeah.

[laughing]

Hey, get the hell off my dog!

Things are starting to rule.

[Mr. Anderson] Get off there!

[Butt-Head] Whoa, this is cool.

What, what's cool?

This.

I think it's like, blood.

Oh, yeah, cool.

[laughing]

Maybe we should tell the dude who lives here.

Yeah, really.

[buzzing]

What?

Hi, um, we just wanted to tell you

that there's some blood out here

and it's pretty cool.

Yeah, it's like on your sidewalk, check it out.

I wonder how it got there.

It's probably not blood.

Uh, just-- just forget it.

No way.

I'm never gonna forget this.

Yeah, me neither.

Here's a buck, go home.

Whoa, cool.

Thanks, dude.

Yeah-yeah, thanks.

If we find anything else cool, we'll let you know.

[laughing]

[grunting]

[Butt-Head] Hey, guess what we found now?

Yeah, check it out, it's a dead bird.

[laughing]

Check it out.

Yeah, it's dead.

So you guys forget about this, right?

Uh, forget about what?

How about bucks?

Cool.

Yeah, we were just gonna give it to you, but,

we'll take bucks.

There you go.

Thanks again, dude.

[tires screeching]

That dude is the coolest ever.

Yeah-yeah.

Someday I'd like to be like that.

You know, a kid finds a dead bird.

You give 'em bucks for it.

That's cool.

Beavis, life just keeps getting better.

[laughing]

[laughing]

Damn good nachos.

[tires screeching]

Hey, hey, girls.

Look, listen up.

I need some money.

Uh... okay.

We got plenty.

Hey, man... thanks.

Whoa, cool.

Todd owes us.

[tires screeching]

[car crashing]

Hey, buddy, I hope you got insurance!

Oh, dammit, you ruined my new Bondo job.

[tail light shattering]Hey!

You're not-- ow!

Ow!This is cool.

It doesn't get any better than this.

[scuffling continues]

What a cool day.

Yeah.

Sure is.

♪♪

♪♪

Okay, listen up.

Part of physical education is learning

what makes your body break down.

What we're talking about today, class, is alcohol.

It's my hope that when you meet our guest today,

his disgusting repulsive physical condition

will be enough to convince you to stay sober.

Here he is.

Now take a good look at him.

Whoa.

He looks cool.

Yeah-yeah, really.

Hello, kids, my name is Dennis and I'm an alcoholic.

Cool.Yeah.

Five years ago, I had my own business.

I was making pretty good money, had a family, a nice house,

but I lost it all because of my drinking.

Now I spend all my time at Rolling Hills.

It's a clinic for people, like me,

who have a problem with alcohol.

That's cool.

Hey, Beavis, maybe they can help us with our problem.

Yeah, maybe they could get us some beer.

[laughing]

[laughing]

Hi, how can I help you?

Uh... we've had a lot of trouble like,

getting beer and stuff?

Yeah, we heard you could set us up?

I see.

It sounds like you need our support group for alcoholics.

Yeah.

[laughing]

I'll put you in Doctor Steve's group.

Why don't you follow me?

This is gonna be cool.

[phone ringing]

Hi, guys, welcome, have a seat.

Hey, how's it going?

[laughing]

Uh, hey.

So, uh, what are you drinking?

Well, it looks like our family has two new members.

What are your names?

Uh... I'm Butt-Head

and this is, uh... Beavis.

We're alcoholics.

Yeah-yeah.

Where's the keg?

Welcome, Butt-Head, welcome, Beavis.

I'm Doctor Steve.

The other members of our group

were just telling us a bit about why they're here.

Hi, my name is Joe and I'm an alcoholic.

And, uh, last week I spent my whole paycheck on booze.

Whoa.Yeah, all right.

Do you have any left?

Beavis, Butt-Head, why don't you guys share

a little bit about why you're here.

Uh, well, we saw this commercial,

and there was like this guy,

and he had, you know, like, a beer.

And then there were all these chicks.

[laughing]

It was cool.

It's like we need beer

and we don't wanna wait till we're .

I started early myself.

Yeah, man, I heard that.

For me, it was always like, beer and chicks,

beer and chicks, man.

And, you know, and it was crazy.

[laughing]

You guys rule.

Yeah, beer and chicks, yeah, exactly.

Okay, group, we're going to continue

sharing our experiences with each other.

Who wants to go first?

I think I've finally cleaned myself up.

Wow, that's great, man, that's really great.

But you know, just take it one day at a time.

Hey!

Butt-Head, did you have something to say?

Uh, yeah, I just wanna know when we're gonna get some beer.

Hey, man, I know what it's like.

I once went two years without a drink.

Yeah, but I've never had a drink!

You guys were supposed to get us some beer.

Yeah.

Why don't you just stop all this whining crap

and break out a couple of cold ones?

Mmm, cold ones, whoo.

That does sound pretty good.

Guys, we-- we've all been through a lot, we-- we've...

Yeah, let's go, there's a bar right down the street.

Come on, what's one beer gonna do?

Yeah, we'll just have one and then we'll come right back.

Guys, let's try to remember why we're here, huh?

Come on.You know, I bet I could drink just one and then stop.

Yeah-yeah, come on, a couple tall, frosty, smooth cold ones.

Pure and cool as a mountain stream.

Uh, you know, guys, uh, I can't take it.

I need-- I need a drink.

Uh...Come on.

Yeah, let's drink!Okay, guys.

[excited chatter]

You were making so much progress.

Hold onto your centers!

Remember your centers!

[excited whooping]

Look, I told you kids, you got no ID, you look underage,

and if I serve you, I go to jail!

Uh...

Then how 'bout one for the road?

Yeah, you know, like, one to help me forget or something?

Get out of here, both of you!

Ooh, yeah!

It's okay, bartender.

Uh, these are good kids, yeah, you know...

You know, you boys remind me of me when I was a kid.

Yeah.

Someday we're gonna be like you.

Yeah-yeah, we're gonna be drunk.

That's my boys!

[burping]

♪♪

♪♪

So you slowly feed the board through the saw,

being extremely careful to keep your hands

at a safe distance from the blade.

[laughing]

Hey, Beavis, we've got wood.

[saw buzzing]

Whoa.

Yeah-yeah-yeah.

[mimicking saw]

Okay, now, remember, these safety goggles

must be worn at all times.

Now get to work.

I want those birdhouses done by Friday!

[saw buzzing]

[laughing]

Wood shop kicks ass!

Let's like, go find other stuff to saw.

[laughing] Yeah.

[imitating saw]

My turn.

[laughing]

Hey, Butt-Head, I don't know why but, um,

this is giving me a stiffy.

Uh, maybe that's why they call it wood shop.

Yeah-yeah, yeah.

[laughing]

Cool.

[laughing]

Yeah.

[man] Hey, what the hell are you doing?!

Ahh!

Both of you are gonna fail this class

if you don't quit goofing off.

[Beavis screaming]Cool.

Ahh! Ow!

Ow!

[man] Oh my God, no!

Put pressure on the cut!

Get a tourniquet.

Dear God, where's that first-aid kit?

Dear God, where's the first-aid kit?

[laughing]Call an ambulance!

Dammit, where's the phone?

Uh...

It's right over here, sir.

[teacher muttering]

Ow, ahh!

[laughing]

Hey, Beavis, pull my finger.

Uh, I mean, your finger.

Shut up, Butt-Head.

I called the ambulance.

It should be here very soon.

Meanwhile, I'll need you to put

the severed finger in some ice, okay?

Ow.

Oh, my.

I gave her the finger.

Oh yeah.

Ow.

Now be careful with the finger.

It needs to remain completely sterile.

I'll get you some painkillers now.

Yeah, I could use some.

Uh...

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

Leave my finger alone-- Cut it out, Butt-Head!

[laughing]

[sniffing]

Uh, your finger smells funny, Beavis.

Really?

What were you doing with it?

I don't know.

[siren approaching]

[laughing]

Luckily, we were able to reattach your finger.

You almost lost it forever.Yeah.

Now remember, you're not to use that finger

under any circumstances whatsoever

for the next ten to weeks.

Yeah-yeah.Yup, you are very lucky.

Now I'm gonna give you a prescription for uh...

Ahh!Oh God!

[laughing]Ow!

♪♪

Dumbass.

[laughing]

♪♪