900x26 - The Mike Judge Collection 307

[bunniefuu]

(laughing)

♪♪

(Butt-Head) Come on, wussy, push.

Shut up, Butt-Head.

I am pushing.

Faster.

(horn honking)

(tires screeching)

Whoa, you were tearing ass.

That was cool.

Oh my God, are you okay?

I didn't see you.

I-- I don't know what I was thinking.

Uh...

Listen, boys, I'll make you a deal.

My insurance company doesn't need to know about this.

Don't tell anyone what happened

and I'll give you ten dollars, okay?

Whoa.

Cool.

Yeah.

(laughing)

So it's a deal?

So long, boys.

(laughing) (light bulb fizzing)

So it's like the more cars that hit us,

the more money we make.

Hey, Butt-Head, I bet if our guts got splattered

all over the place and we were all bloody and stuff,

some dumbass would give us like $.

(laughing)

That would rule.

(laughing)

(laughing)

(car starting)

No-no, hey-hey!

Hey, ahh!

(laughing painfully)

You dork.

You didn't do it right, Beavis.

She was supposed to stop.

Ow!

(laughing)

(vehicle starting) Now, Beavis.

Hey, what are you doing?

(laughing)

Well, are you gonna get the hell out of my way?

Uh, you almost hit me?

Give me some money.

(tires screeching) Hey, hey, look out!

Ahh, ahh!

Dumbass.

This sucks, Butt-Head.

It's like we keep getting hit by cars,

but we're not getting any more money.

Hey, I bet we can get twice as much money

if both of us get hit by a car at the same time.

Yeah, yeah!

Yeah, that's a good idea, Butt-Head.

More money.

Uh, we better hurry

if we're gonna get to your sister's house.

That's over miles away.

I reckon the old camper will get us there before sun goes down.

I'd like to play a game of horseshoes with old Ned.

(laughing)

(engine starting)

(laughing)

(beeping)

Wait a minute.

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh! Ahh!

Ow! Ahh!

♪♪

Hurry up, wussy.

We need to like, get back and make some more money.

Oh yeah, money... money.

Yeah.

♪♪

♪♪

(laughing)

(Butt-Head) Whoa, check it out.

It says "ass."

(laughing)

Yeah.

(laughing)

(Butt-Head) Uh...

"Marry Russ-I-an Men"?

Uh... wait a minute.

"Marry Russian Women."

Whoa, foreign chicks.

Yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah.

Foreign chicks kick ass.

Hey, Beavis...

I could get a wife.

Whoa, cool.

Get a naked one.

(phone ringing)

(man) Hello, Russian Wives Unlimited.

Uh, I'm a rich American with a big wiener.

Yeah.

(laughing)

And what kind of package would you be interested in, sir?

Uh... her package?

Ha-ha, yes, sir.

But, uh, which of our offers are you most interested in?

We've got everything from a trip to Russia for $,

to videotapes and color catalogs

starting at just a hundred bucks.

What'll it be?

Uh...

Uh-huh...

(phone ringing) Can you hold on a second?

Uh... wait, no!

Hello, Russian Wives Unlimited.

Why did you lie to me?

Katia?

You promised me a handsome, rich American man.

But this man is a pig and an idiot.

I must have a divorce!

(crying) Hold on, Katia.

A marriage is a sacred partnership and--

Hey, wait a minute.

You know, I happen to have on the line right now

another American man who I think would be perfect for you.

His name is, um, Mr. Head.

He's got a great sense of humor and he's worldly,

smart and very rich.

Huh, go on.

And you know, he doesn't live very far from you.

Tell you what, I'll pay for your transportation.

Hey, Butt-Head, do you think Russian chicks

know how to, um, you know... do it?

Uh... she better.

Cool.

Maybe she could teach us.

(man) Mr. Head, I've found you a wife.

Cool.

(organ playing "Wedding March")

(laughing)

Repeat after me.

I, Butt-Head, do you with all my heart and soul

and my wiener.

Uh, I, Butt-Head,

do you with all my heart and soul and my wiener.

You may now do the bride.

This is gonna be cool.

(laughing)

Yeah.

Boing...

(music playing on TV)

(door buzzing)

Hey, baby.

Hi, my name is Katia.

Where is Mr. Head?

Uh... in my pants.

Whoa, hey Butt-Head, is that your wife?

Yeah.

You are Mr. Head?

Uh, yeah.

So, uh, I guess I should like...

carry you across the "thrashold" now

so we can like, do it?

(laughing)

Go ahead and get you here.

Oh!

(laughing)

Yeah, let's just go straight to the doing it part.

(laughing)

(voices from TV)

(laughing)

Hey, Beavis, pull my finger.

Oh, yeah-yeah.

(laughing)

(sighing)

Well, uh, wife?

You wanna, you know, go into the other room?

Yeah, really.

Tell your wife to go into the kitchen and like,

make some food.

I'm glad to go in another room.

Cool.

I need to call Moscow.

(woman) Moscow-- I can connect you

but it would be a lot cheaper if you dial direct.

I don't care.

(Katia speaking in background)

Hey, Beavis, you know what? What?

Pretty soon, it's gonna be like,

hey, wife, pull my wiener.

(laughing)

This is gonna be cool.

(laughing)

(speaking in Russian)

Plus, I figure if she won't put out,

I can probably just have her arrested

for being a foreigner or something.

Cool, yeah-yeah-yeah.

Have her ex*cuted.

(door buzzing)

I bet they sent over a wife for me, too.

That'd be cool.

Hi, guys, what you doing?

Dammit!

Get out of here, Stewart!

I just had a really cool idea

for how we could hang out together.

Have you guys ever played Pogs?

(angrily speaking in Russian)

Uh, who's that?

Do you have like a visitor or something?

Uh, yeah, that's my wife.

Come on, who is it, really?

Uh, Stewart, this is my wife.

Uh, wife, this is Stewart.

He's a wussy.

Wow, are you two really married?

Yeah, and you know what else?

We're gonna have sex.

Whoa.

So it's like, uh, you gotta go now, Stewart

'cause we're gonna do it.

Get the hell out of here.

You too, Beavis.

Come on, Beavis, I'll show you my Pogs collection.

I got this great new slammer.

Yeah, go play your little games.

We're gonna have sex.

Come on, Beavis. Go away!

I'm gonna stay and watch 'em do it.

(laughing)

This is gonna be cool.

(laughing)

Uh, hey, baby.

Try to touch me and I'll break your hand.

Uh...

This sucks.

Pridurki.

Now class, an interesting thing to remember...

Butt-Head.

Did you guys do it last night?

(Mr. Van Driessen) ... It's a path we are all headed to.

Now you might be reincarnated in a lower caste.

This is where Hinduism and Christianity differ the most.

Excuse me, who's that sitting next to Butt-Head?

Um, it's just me, Beavis.

Not you, dumbass.

Uh, this is my wife.

Wanna see her naked?

(chattering)

Come on, Butt-Head,

remember our little talk about sexism, okay?

And whoever she is, I'm sure our visitor

doesn't appreciate your claiming to be her spouse.

She's like one of those, you know, made-to-order brides?

I think she's foreign.

Is this true, Miss, uh...

Katia.

And, uh, it's sort of true.

But I am not even married,

and I already want a divorce from this idiot.

(laughing)

So uh, wife?

Wanna go and, uh...

"constipate" the marriage?

Hey, slow down! (car approaching)

Yeah, slow down, dammit.

(tires screeching) (speaking Russian)

Hey, doll face.

Get me the hell out of here!

Climb in and grab on already.

Whoo-hoo!

(tires screeching)

(woman) I'm leaving you.

(changing channels)

(man) My wife left me for another man.

(Katia and Todd's voices)

Hey, Butt-Head, you think Todd did it with your wife?

Uh... I don't know.

I'm just wondering, you know, if the two of them did it,

you know, 'cause she's not supposed to do it

with other guys, right?

(Katia) Todd...

But what I don't understand is she's your wife.

So like isn't she supposed to do it with you then

instead of Todd?

'Cause I don't remember like, you telling him

it was okay to have sex with your wife.

Dammit, Beavis, she's not really my wife.

I don't think it even counts 'cause like we never did it.

It's like the marriage is "analed" or something.

Oh, yeah-yeah.

So like you think Todd's married to her now?

Uh... 'Cause I bet he did it with her.

I knew it, when I first saw her in his car,

you know what I'm saying, you could just tell,

it's like she had "do it" written all-- Dammit, Beavis!

Oh, hey-hey, wait a minute?

I just thought of something.

So it's like, now that Todd did your wife,

it's kind of like you and Todd are related.

Oh, yeah, we are related.

I bet Todd'll let me into his g*ng now.

Yeah-- Yeah, me too.

♪♪

♪♪

(Beavis) Ahh, ahh!

Butthole! Ahh!

Ow, ow!

Hey-hey, what's going on here?

Beavis, what are you doing on the ground?

Oh, you know, just, um, you know...

Nothing really.

Okay, tonight is the first night

of Burger World's new delivery service.

Here's how it works.

This is the order and this is the address where it's going.

Now this is a pager.

If it beeps, that means I'm calling you.

There will be a phone number in the window, okay?

Pick up a phone and dial that number, okay?

Uh... okay.

Yeah-yeah, you know...

Seems easy enough.

(crickets chirping)

(Butt-Head) This is pretty cool.

It's like we're working but we're really not.

(doorbell ringing)

Not working kicks ass.

(laughing)

How's it going?

We're from Burger World.

Uh, we got some food for you.

Yeah.

Uh, yeah, come on in.

Yeah, okay.

(laughing)

Uh...

Whoa.

Yeah.

This place rules.

Um, sit down.

Put some of this over here.

Sit down.

(laughing)

This is pretty cool.

Ahh... let's see what we got here.

Hey, pretty good.

Where are the drinks?

Uh, let's see.

Whoa, cool, onion rings!

Hey, buttmunch, give me some!

Okay.

Butthole.

Mmm...

Delivery is pretty cool.

(slurping) Yeah, really.

Do you think your pathetic power sceptre

can defeat me and my mutant dinosaur insects, Plasma Man?

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

This sucks.

Yeah, you really gotta wonder how this stuff gets made.

(pager beeping)

What the hell is that?

(pager beeping) Uhh...

I think your house is on fire, dude.

Butt-Head, I think it's coming from your pants.

Whoa...

Your beeper, man.

Shut it off or answer it.

(beeper continues) Uh, oh, yeah.

Uh... hello?

(beeping) Uh, I think you're supposed to call the number on it.

Uh, oh, yeah. (beeping)

The phone's in there.

(beeping continues)

Uh, we're still at the guy's house.

(man) What guy?

The woman who ordered that food called

and wants to know where the hell you are. Uh...

Now get that food and take it to the right house, you idiot.

Uh, this guy like, already ate it.

Unbelievable.

Okay, okay.

At least collect the money from him

and then get your butts back here now!

(slamming phone down)

Uh, Beavis, we gotta go.

Um, okay.

Uh, sir, we like need some money for the food and stuff.

Um... oh, I don't have any money.

Uh, really?

That sucks.

(laughing)

That guy was pretty cool.

Yeah.

She totally ripped us off.

(laughing)

Yeah.

(horns honking)

(phone ringing)

Burger World.

No, sir, I'm sorry, we've discontinued our deliveries.

I know we just started tonight, but it's been discontinued.

(sighing)

Where the hell are they?

Um... I think that's the same yellow house

we saw before, Butt-Head.

(pager beeping)

Uh... oh, yeah.

(beeping)

Uhh... hello?

(beeping) Hello?

Hello?

Dammit, this thing's like, broken or something.

(clanking)

Check it out, Beavis, I think this is our street.

Oh, yeah-yeah, cool.

All this work is making me hungry.

Yeah.

Hey, Beavis, we could go home

and order something from Burger World.

Oh, yeah-yeah.

Yeah, 'cause they deliver now.

♪♪

Get some onion rings.

♪♪

(Mrs. Stevenson) A little to the right.

No, the right!

Up a little?

There, yes.

Oh, the picture's perfect.

Keep it right there.

Hi, guys, check it out.

My dad bought us a new satellite dish.

I'm gonna be able to watch channels.

Uh... you mean like on TV?

Yeah, it's so cool.

channels?

(laughing)

Finally, a chance to hang out together.

This is cool, huh, guys?

Shut up, Stewart, we're trying to watch TV.

Yeah-yeah, just keep it shut.

(TV announcer) Now back to "Night of the Comatose Decapitated Undead,"

part seven.

(woman screaming) Whoa!

Yeah-yeah.

(imitating saw)

TV v*olence rules.

Uh, wait a minute, guys.

I don't think my mom--

What are you boys watching?

Hey-hey-hey! Hey!

Get out of the way, dammit.

Sorry, boys, but as Stewart's mother, I need to protect him

from the media's glamorous portrayals of v*olence.

There, that's better.

Why don't you watch baseball?

(baseball organ playing)

(baseball announcer) There's the windup and the pitch.

Oh my God, he beamed the batter right in the nuts!

Nads... nads!

I think he got him in the testicles.

... rushing the pitcher's mound.

Yes!

Yeah, fight, fight, fight, come on!

This is a pretty good game.

Hit him, get the bat!

Stewart, dear, please change the channel!

Sorry, guys. Dammit.

What the hell is your mom's problem, Stewart?

Your mom sucks.

This next story contains scenes of graphic v*olence

that may not be appropriate for some viewers.

Whoa. Ahh.

Cool.

That's right, this story is full

of extreme graphic v*olence.

I repeat, you may not want your children watching

this shocking, violent exclusive

Eyewitness News report.

Whoa.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool.

♪ I'm so glad we love each other... ♪

Ahh! Hey!

I'm sorry, boys, but I've really gotta put my foot down.

You see, I'm a mother and it's my job

to eliminate bad influences from my little boy's life.

Yeah. You would be amazed

at how damaging v*olence can be to Stewart's psyche.

Why, his father took him to a PG- movie

and the poor boy had nightmares for a week.

So please, let's keep the TV tuned

to children's programming, okay?

Super-dee-duper, oh, boy.

I'm so glad we love each other...

Dammit, this wussy crap is pissing me off.

Come on, come on, get violent, yeah.

I wanna see some v*olence.

Beavis, you dumbass, it's just a kid's show.

Here, I'll find something violent. No way, I wanna do it.

Gimme that, you son of a bitch.

Dammit, Beavis, I'm gonna shove this remote control

right up your butt. Mom!

(Beavis) Dammit.

This no-v*olence crap is starting to piss me off.

Yeah, really.

What's the point of having channels

if you aren't gonna watch anything cool?

I'm going to talk to your father

about returning that satellite dish as soon as he comes home.

All those channels do is promote v*olence.

(laughing)

(TV playing)

Whoa, look, he's got a Kn*fe.

I bet we're gonna see some v*olence.

Ahh! It's a cooking show, dumbass.

He's just gonna like, cut food with it.

Dammit, Butt-Head, change it back

or I swear I'll rip your bunghole off!

I'm gonna kick you in the nads.

(TV announcer) These baby rabbits will spend a full year...

That is, unless this hungry wolf finds them first.

(wolf howling) Whoa, wait a minute.

Yeah, yeah.

(bunnies screaming)

♪♪

♪♪