900x29 - The Mike Judge Collection 310

[bunniefuu]

[laughing]

♪♪

Hey, McVicker.

Oh, no!

Beavis and Butt-head!

What the hell are you doing here?

Uh, like two weeks ago,

you told us we were suspended for, like, two weeks,

so I think, like, now we might be done being suspended,

or something.

God, I've been dreading this day.

Oh...Yeah, me too.

Yeah, really.

School sucks.

You watch your mouth!

Little pain in the ass.

Whose class are you supposed to be in this morning?

Uh, I think the teacher is a guy.

Van...

Drie-- Van Driessen?

Yeah, yeah, something like that.

Oh, no!

Van Driessen took his class to the Botanical Gardens today.

Aw, damn it!

Yeah, damn it.

Yeah, damn it!

That damn son of a bitch!

You little bastards!

Watch your language!

Wait a minute.

We just got a new speech therapist on staff.

Maybe I'll stick you in her class.

Yeah.

[laughing]

He said "“in her."”

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Well, good morning, everyone.

My name is Miss Jenkins and I'm a speech therapist

and I guess a lot of you are wondering,

why do I need speech therapy?

[Beavis] Yeah!

I already know how to speak.

What can I learn here?

You know, sometimes people don't even realize

they have a speech impediment.

What's a speech inspediment?

Speech inspediments suck.

A person shouldn't be ashamed of having a speech impediment.

As a matter of fact, many highly intelligent

and creative people are speech impaired.

[Butt-Head] Hey, Beavis, that dude has boobs.

[laughing]

Oh, yeah.

And once they begin to be more aware of how they sound,

they're better able to correct themselves.

Butt-head, is that what I think it is?

Yeah!

This class is cool.

Well, I'm glad to hear that, Butt-head.

And we're all glad to have you on our little speech team.

Uh, could you get out of the way?

Yeah, really.

Well, tell you what, boys.

I have some other pictures in my briefcase

that are even more interesting than that one.

Really?

What could be more interesting than this?

Well, how about a picture taken from right up inside the larynx?

Whoa!

No way!

How could you get a camera up there?

Well, I'll be happy to show you after you practice

this next exercise, okay?

This is gonna be cool.

Yeah, yeah!

[laughing]

Boing-oing-oing-oing-oing- oing-oing-oing-oing!

Okay now.

We're going to use these mirrors to observe our lips

and teeth and tongue during speech.

Butt munch.

Dill weed.

Um, ass wipe.

Butt hole.

Ass munch.

Butt-head, this might be a good time to work on your "“S."”

Uh, I didn't know my ass needed any work.

Now, don't get defensive, Butt-head.

I just want to try to clean it up a little, okay?

Now try this.

Make a "“T"” sound, then draw it out like this.

"“Tssss."” Uh...

Tssss.

[laughing]

Everyone, let's try to help Butt-head, okay?

Tssss...

Hey, Beavis, check it out.

Uh!

Ah!

Settle down, please, all right, boys?

Okay, what I'd like everyone to do

is to repeat these sentences

while watching your mouths in your mirrors, okay?

All right, here goes.

Speaking slowly as such can say just as much.

Whoa!

She just said "“ass munch."”

Yeah!

This chick rules.

Ass munch.

Very good, boys.

"“As much."”

Ass munch!

Ass munch.

All right, let's try this one.

"“Half-haste helps, but whole haste hinders."”

Whoa, she just said "“butthole"”!

Yeah, yeah!

Butthole!

"“But whole haste..."”

Yeah, yeah, butthole!

Butthole!

[laughing]

This is cool-- Bunghole!

No, no, Beavis, listen closely.

"“But whole."”

"But whole."

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I just came by to see if these two little bastards

have done anything I can suspend them for.

Actually, Principal McVicker, these boys have done very well.

Beavis, Butt-head, would you like to show your principal

what you've learned today?

Ass munch.

Yeah, yeah.

And butthole.

Butthole!

Watch your m-mouth!

You little s-s-sons of b*tches!

Principal, please.

Now, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, Principal,

but I noticed that you have a little trouble

expressing yourself sometimes.

W-w-what?

McVicker's a dumbass.

He doesn't know how to talk to chicks.

Yeah, really.

He's probably, like--

Yeah!

Boing-oing-oing-oing- oing-oing!

[laughing]

♪♪

Damn it.

[laughing]

Ahh!

Ahh, ahh!

What happened to your hand?

He was playing with the meat?

Damn it, Beavis, there's nothing wrong with you.

Huh?

Um, oh, yeah.

I'll be damned.

Be careful in the kitchen.

Burger World cannot afford to pay out

any more worker's compensation.

Worker's constipation?

Yeah, yeah, I get that all the time at work,

when I can't take a poop.

No, you idiot, worker's compensation.

If you get hurt at work,

the government makes me send you home

and pay you money for not working.

So stay out of trouble.

Whoa!

Did you hear that, Beavis?

If you, like, get hurt at work,

we can go home and still get paid.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He should have told us that a long time ago.

Yeah.

Ahh!

What the hell are you doing, fartknocker!

Uh, I'm, like, hurting you so we can get some money.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay, but, just don't touch my nads.

[laughing]

This is, like, gonna hurt you more than it hurts me.

Ahh!

Ow!

Damn it, this is taking too long.

Maybe you should try kicking me.

Okay.

[laughing]

♪♪

[Butt-Head] I kicked your ass.

Yeah, thanks.

So where's the money?

[laughing]

I think we need to, like, show that manager dude

that you can't work or something.

[laughing]

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Hello?

I've been standing here for minutes.

Can I, um...

Can I help you or something?

Uh, yeah.

Give me some chicken finger sand some small fries and--

Hey, hey!

I'm not gonna keep waiting here.

Damn it, I can still work.

Uh, okay.

Hold still.

I'm gonna finish the job.

No.

No!

[clanging]

Ahh!

Hey, what the hell is going on here?

Uh, we're, like, trying to get some

of that worker's constipation.

You don't get worker's comp for fighting.

It has to be an accident.

You mean we need to, like, poop in our pants?

Poop.

No, you moron, you have to be injured by something on the job.

Now clean yourself up and get back to work!

Uh, why didn't that fartknocker tell us that before?

Yeah, yeah, really.

He keeps leaving stuff out.

[laughing]

♪♪

Just doing some work here.

Ow!

Come on, Beavis, stick it in there.

Hey, Butt-head, you said--

[Butt-Head] Uh, like, drive up to the window, please.

As fast as possible.

Hey, Beavis, put your head out the window

so the car will hit you.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Ahh, ahh!

Ahh!

Hey, how's it going?

Dumbass.

What the hell is going on?

Ah!

Ah, guys!

Ah!

Whoa!

Damn it, we work hard for that worker's constipation

and this bunghole stole our idea!

Can you show us how you did that?

You bastards!

[laughing]

♪♪

♪♪

People, I'm very concerned about you.

Lately, I've been noticing a disturbing trend

of low self-esteem, okay?

In fact, your lack of it doesn't make me feel too good

as your teacher.

Now, self-esteem and motivation, people,

are keys to success in life, okay?

Does anyone know what those terms mean?

People, is anyone paying attention out there?

Beavis, do you know what self-esteem means?

Huh?

Um...

No.

Beavis is stupid.

Yeah.

I'm not very smart.

Now, Beavis, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

Why would you say such a thing?

Okay, people.

I guess this is a good time

for a little confidence-boosting surprise I've been planning.

I've made arrangements to borrow the caps and gowns

from this year's graduating class.

That's right, class, with my help,

you're all going to graduate today.

[girl] Cool![boy] Great, I can't believe it!

Now, it's not a real graduation, of course.

It's a self-esteem graduation.

Whoa!

To help you better respect yourselves...

We're gonna graduate.

Yeah, yeah!

Today!

It's all over!

Graduate.

[laughing]

Uh, going back to school?

Yeah, loser?

Um, um, going back to--Shut up, Beavis.

Good afternoon, ladies.

Uh, check it out... We graduated.

Pretty cool, huh?

Wow.

Ooh, really?

I want you.

This is cool.

[laughing]

Come on, Butt-head.

Butt-head, please.

Get these gowns on.

Now, class, graduation gowns have symbolized wisdom

and maturity for centuries.

You look like a dumbass.

This is called a mortarboard and it comes with this tassel,

which many graduates save as a memento of their special day.

Perhaps some of your older brothers and sisters

still have theirs.

Oh, yeah.

My uncle has one of those hanging on his dashboard.

Good, Butt-head, he must have saved it

from his own high school graduation.

Uh... No.

He didn't go to high school.

He got it off the boob of some chick in a nudie bar.

Yeah, yeah.

There's a big difference, Butt-head,

in what the two tassels stand for.

I hope someday you'll find that out.

Well, let's get on with our ceremony.

If you'd come up one at a time,

I have a certificate for each of you.

Congratulations.

Good work, Dean.

You have many talents to be proud of.

Congratulations, Cassandra.

I know you'll go far in the world, okay?

Tassel.

Here you go, Butt-head.

You have many... qualities.

Yeah.

And here's your diploma, Beavis.

Okay.

Even though these are not genuine diplomas,

they represent something very real,

namely my opinion as your teacher

that each of you is an important human being,

worthy of your classmates' respect

and your own self-respect, okay?

And in closing, I'd just like to say bravo for being you.

Thanks for your cooperation, people.

I'm picking up some much more positive vibes now.

Okay.

Now that we're all feeling better about ourselves,

we do have a lot of material to cover before the midterm.

Please open your books to chapter--

Um, where are Beavis and Butt-head?

[laughing]

♪♪

We graduated.

Yeah.

We're never gonna go to school again.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

I'm just glad it's finally over.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, really.

At least now we can get on with our lives.

Mm-hmm.

[laughing]

♪♪

♪♪

[siren blaring]

[laughing]

Hurry up, buttwipe.

Uh, is this the "“hostible"”?

Uh, how can I help you?

Uh, you can tell me if this is the damn hostible.

Uh, yes it is, and now what's your problem?

He's the one with the problem.

Look at him.

My butt hurts!

Go sit down over there and fill these out.

We'll get to you eventually.

Yeah.

[laughing]

Oh...

Ahh!

That dude said to sit down, Beavis.

What's the matter with you, Beavis?

No one wants to see your butt, now sit down.

[screaming]

Will you shut up?

What do you got to cry about?

My butt hurts!

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I got three slugs in my gut.

Whoa!

You don't see me whining.

Mr. Borman?

Yeah?

Okay, why don't you follow me?

We'll have a look at those entry wounds, okay?

Whoa!

That dude had b*llet holes.

Cool.

Oh...

Shut up, buttmunch.

Your injury sucks.Ahh!

Uh...

Uh, this sucks.

Let's get out of here.

Okay.

[tearing and screaming]

Ow!

Hey, listen, I'm gonna have to ask you to keep it down.

What's that smell?

Oh!

Hey, gurney, stat!

Got a crispy critter.

Crispy critter.

[laughing]

Okay, let's have a look-see.

Oh.

Oh...

Oh, my dear lord.

What happened here?

Okay.

Now I'm going to have to pry these apart.

This may hurt a bit.

[tearing]Ow!

Son, I want you to relax.

I'm going to be inserting this device.

It's called a proctoscope in your--

No... No!

I know it hurts, son, but we need to see

what the extent of the damage is.

I don't know what it is you did to yourself here.

No...

Dear Lord.

Ahh!

Come on, let's move, guys.

I want Dr. Casey to scrub in on this.

Come on, let's move it or this kid loses it.

What?

Loses what?

[laughing]

Uh...

Ow...

Local anesthetic.

We might need to talk to this kid.

Showtime, kids.

Let's save this boy's ass.

My butt!

Save my butt!

Please!

[laughing]

Come on, come on...

Come on, buddy, come on, come on!

Greg, he's-he's gone.

Call it.

:.

Can I have the b*ll*ts?

Take whatever you want.

Thanks.

I can't feel my butt!

I can't feel my butt!

Son, it's all right, it's just the anesthesia.

I'll never poop again.

Calm down, kid.

We'll have you pooping in no time.

Oh... Really?

Okay, that's good.

Poop.[laughing]

Poop.

[laughing]

Come on, one more!

One more push!

Whoa!

Need any help in here?

[laughing]

Ah!All right, let's do it.

Spreader.

What are you gonna do with that?

You won't feel anything, son.

Really, I want to know what you're gonna do with that.

Fire in the hole!

[laughing]

Whoa.

Here, get this to OR for transplantation, stat.

Uh, okay.

Cool.

Oy!

I've got me finger stuck in me bum.

[laughing]

Now, this is an interesting case.

This young man presenting in the ER with third-degree cremation

of the buttocks, cauterized sphincter

and severely inflamed rectal cavity.

Can anyone here tell me what could have possibly caused this?

[laughing]

♪♪

♪♪