05x18 - Doug Gets a Roommate

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[narrator]
Here in the Thicket of Solitude,

far from the hustle and bustle
of daily city life...

-[boom]
-Aah!

[narrator] Quailman,
strange visitor from the Planet Bob,

and his sidekick Quaildog,

retreat in order to ponder
their next exciting move.

Ah, good, I win again.

I love that. [laughs]

Now, let me see,
what should be my next exciting move?

Hmm. Quailman versus The Anvil Head

or Quailman Takes On
The Lumpy Squad, or...

[horn blows]

Quaildog, can you keep it down?
I'm pondering my next adven--

Mmm-mmm.

-What the...
-[horn blowing]

Holy Quailman! It's the Quailcall!

[Patti] Help, Quailman!

Help me! I'm sinking!

Quaildog, hurry! There's no time to lose!

Where could they... Gadzooks!

There they are, Quaildog, in the swamp!

Help! Help!

Help me!

Don't panic. Just grab on to our...

What the...

What's wrong with their skin?

It's kind of rivetty.

[mechanical voice]
Oh, Quailman, you're such a...

sucker!

Ohh!

Aah!

I can't believe we fell for the old
robot-in-the-phony-swamp trick again.

Nice of you to drop in, birdboy.

Dr. Rubbersuit.

I hope you like surprises,

because you are in for a doozie.

[evil laugh]

Ooh. This thing itches.

Oh, no, Quaildog,
what could it be this time?

Some sort of dastardly pointy thing?

The ray g*n?

Maybe it's worse. Maybe it's...

-Hey, Doug.
-Huh?

[shuddering]

[screams]

[footsteps]

[whistling]

That's me.

-[crash]
-[Doug] Ouch!

Now for a little drying time,
and my bird hotel will be finished.

[Doug] Dear journal, today,
Ned Cauphee was really hilarious.

Oh!

[Ned laughing]

At least he thought so.

[chattering]

[humming]

Hey! What's going on?

Pfft! Pfft!

Looking for this?

Hey! Get back here!
I can't see! I can't see!

Hey, watch it, dive-b*mb!

[laughter]

Incoming!

Ooh!

-[squish]
-Missed!

-Ohh!
-Ohh!

[laughing]

Bull's-eye!

Somebody better clean him up.

I can't wait to see the day
when Ned Cauphee gets his.

Hey, look at the bright side.

At least the mashed potatoes
aren't buttered.

-What? Hey!
-[laughter]

I wish something rotten
would happen to Ned.

Then he'd know how it feels.

Maybe you could just talk to Ned
and tell him how you feel.

Maybe I could just bake him a cake

and throw him a party,
and we can dance and sing.

Cool! Can I come?

Maybe I will have that talk with him.

Don't do anything crazy, man.

Ned?

Hey, Doug, I'm really sorry
I tatered you like that.

-You are?
-Yeah.

-I completely forgot the gravy!
-Huh? Ugh!

[everyone laughing]

Ugh!

Ned Cauphee, someday you'll get yours,
and I can't wait to see it!

[panting]

Doug, are you okay?

Hey! Look, everybody! It's snowing!

[everyone oohing and ahhing]

Watch me catch a snowflake on my tongue.

Ugh! Pfft!

Hey, wait a minute. This isn't snow.
These are ashes.

[sirens blaring]

Wow! Fire over on Mumbo Street.

It's huge!

[Both] Oh, man!

[sirens blaring]

There's more fire than there is house.

Wouldn't it be just awful
if your house burnt down?

And all your stuff b*rned up?

Yeah. Forever.

-Mom! Dad! What happened?
-Don't worry, Douglas.

We did manage to save some of your things.

Here's your journal, son.

Whoa! Ohh...

[people shouting]

Man, do I feel sorry for these people.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

That's my house!

Mom! Dad! [sobbing]

[Doug, thinking] Ned Cauphee,
someday you'll get yours,

and I can't wait to see it!

[gulps] What have I done?

So now you think the fire
is somehow your fault?

Well, yeah, sort of.

Oh, I guess it's like the old saying,

"Be careful what you wish for.
You might burn somebody's house down."

That's not how the saying goes.

Nero fiddled while Rome b*rned.

I'm surprised you weren't out there
strumming on the old banjo.

[humming "Dixie"]

Judy, that'll be enough.

Douglas, you know you had nothing to do
with Ned's house burning down.

I know, but I feel like I did.

Oh, honey, why don't you put together
a care package for Ned?

You know, a toothbrush, a comb...

Your next curse...

You're excused, young lady.

Uh-huh.

[Theda] Ooh.

Well, Dad, I think I found
some stuff they might need.

I packed socks, shirts, pajamas...

Oh, no, it's no problem at all.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Guess what, everyone. I have good news.

And it's especially good news for Douglas.

What, Mom?

Well, dear, since all 12 Cauphee kids
are temporarily out of their home,

our neighborhood is volunteering
to play host to them.

So what's the good news?

I volunteered to let Ned
stay with us for a week.

With us?

Ned?

Perfect!

[groaning]

[wind whooshing]

Quiet.

Why is it so doggone quiet?

When will the next att*ck come?

[whimpering]

I can't reach headquarters.
The line's gone dead.

I don't know how much longer
we can hold out

without reinforcements, Sergeant.

Incoming!

[incoming whistle]

[boom]

I can't take it anymore!

Day after day of this!

When will it end?

Corporal, pull yourself together!

We have to face it, we're licked!

There's only one thing left to do.

Anybody have a white flag?

[airplane]

Hey, we surr... Ooh!

[laughs]

Gravy? [laughs]

[Doug] If Ned Cauphee
was coming to visit for a week,

we had to be prepared.

Doug, what are you doing?

I'm Ned-proofing the house.

We've gotta hide
everything small enough to throw.

Lock up the good china.

Batten down the hatches.

Oh, Doug, you're overreacting.

Besides, we've known the Cauphees
for years. Right, dear?

Uh... Ooh...

-Right, dear?
-Um...

Yeah. We sure have.

[baby babbling]

Oh, you're both acting silly.

Besides, we're going
to Grandma Funnie's on Sunday.

Ned's only staying till Saturday.

Hmm? I can put up
with anything for a week.

-[engine sputtering]
-Huh?

-[engine sputtering]
-[tires screeching]

[engine backfires]

Hey, Philly! It's me, the Ted-sicle.

[laughs]

Just one week, son.

[all shouting]

Nice to see you, Phil-er-up!

[laughs] Get it?

[laughter]

Uh, great to see you.

[groans]

How you doing, Ted?
Ooh, uh, sorry. Bad time to ask.

Oh, hey, that's okay, Phil.

I'm busy as a house afire.

Fire. [laughs]

[kids fighting]

Hey! Don't make me come over there!

Uh, Phil, I can't tell you
how grateful I am

for you watching, uh...

-Uh... who are you watching?
-Ned.

-Hey!
-[kid] Uh-oh!

Whoa! Hey! What are you doing?

That's the carburetor, genius!

Now put that back!

Boy! Now, what we talk... Oh, Ned. Yeah.

Keep your eye on that one.

He's the wild one. [laughs]

-[expl*si*n]
-What?

Boys!

And they want a dog.

Wow, what a cool living room.

[teeth chattering]

[knees knocking]

Is that thing real?

Oh, gosh! What's that doing here?
That belongs upstairs.

And that one, too!

Ned, no!

Douglas Yancy Funnie,
that is no way to speak to our guest.

Sorry, Mom, but you're always
telling me the piano isn't a toy.

Ned, it must have been a long day.

Have you had supper yet?

If you're askin', I'm eatin'. [chuckles]

Oh, well...

Okay.

I've never had salad like that before.

Your family doesn't eat salad?

Nope. Just not fast enough.

I hope you like roast beef, Ned.

Wow! There's more?

And plenty of creamy mashed potatoes.

Why, I'd love some mashed potatoes.

[heartbeat]

[music from Psycho]

Is there any gravy?

[Theda] Of course, there is.

[Theda] What's mashed potatoes
without gravy?

Right, Doug?

[racing heartbeat]

[eating noisily]
Great. Ooh, this is good. Mmm.

The best mashed potatoes.

[Doug] Ned was very clever.

I should have known he was too smart
to do anything in front of my parents.

[Ned] Delicious, Mrs. Funnie.

Almost finished in here, Ned?

Sure. Take this.

Oh!

Judy, look out!

Aah!

Ugh!

Doug, prepare for a slow
and agonizing death.

What in the world is going on here?

Doug pushed Ned into the bathtub.
Now look at me!

-He was gonna blast her with toothpaste.
-What?

He was handing me the toothpaste, Doug.

He... was?

Ugh! This place is just like my house!

I get blamed for everything.

[Doug] The more I thought about it,
the more I wondered.

Was I wrong about Ned?
Maybe he just needed a chance.

I hope my bed is comfortable enough, Ned.

I guess it must be hard to sleep
knowing all your stuff is gone and all.

I can understand
if you don't want to talk about it.

Well, guess I'll turn in. Good night, Ned.

Well, hello there.

Who have we got here?

You're not Doug.

My name's Socky.

You can talk to me if you like.

I won't tell anybody.

No, sir.

Aw, guess you don't feel like talking.

Well, you know what old Socky does
whenever he feels sad?

That's right! He sings a song!

♪ Oh, maybe things look kind of blue ♪

♪ But at least you don't live in a shoe ♪

♪ Like Socky, that's me! ♪

♪ I'm Sock-Sock-Socky-Socky ♪

[Doug] I'm not sure,

but I think Socky made Ned
feel a little more at home.

Come on! You know how hard it is
to sing with a mouth full of cotton?

Sing it with me!

[Miss Kristal] Today's assignment
was to read a poem to the class.

Now, who wants to start?

-Hey!
-Very good.

Doug has volunteered
to get the ball rolling.

Um, Miss Kristal...

You did prepare one, didn't you, Doug?

Well, um, I've been under a lot of stress,

and I, um... No.

-I got one, Miss Kristal.
-[all] Huh?

May I come to the front of the class
with my associates to recite, Miss K?

Why, certainly, Roger.

My poem, or should I say Doug's,
goes something like this.

[clears throat]

♪ Oh, maybe things look kind of blue ♪

♪ But at least you don't live in a shoe ♪

♪ Like Socky, that's you! ♪

♪ That Socky, happy Socky, stinky Socky ♪

[laughter]

Come on, Funnie, sing along.

[Doug] If I ever said it was the worst day
of my life before this, I was wrong.

Today was it.

Hey! What are you doing?

Looking for my birthday.

[indistinct conversation on TV]

Some stinky cheese and steak and yogurt.

It's my secret recipe.

That's it. Now, puree.

No, wait!

You forgot the cover.

Oh, right.

I'll get a mop.

Uh-huh. Yes. Of course.

No... No problem.

[both take deep breath and exhale]

What is it, dear?

Well, I just spoke to Ned's mother.

She's taking him back?

Well... no.

[both] Ohh.

It seems that the Cauphees
didn't have insurance...

-And?
-Ned...

Ned will be staying with us
for a while longer,

at least until they get a new house built.

[whimpering]

[chuckling]

Something the matter, Doug?

Wait a minute.

That means he'll have to come with us
to Grandma Funnie's, too.

But Mom's house
is full of breakable stuff.

We can't...

Wait a minute.

I know what we can do. I'll be right back.

Uh... sorry, Phil.

Wish we could help,
but we already have our hands full.

I wish I could help,

but I got one too many
bouncing around here already.

[Doug] It was the same story
at every house Dad called.

Hey, hey, look at me! Look at me! [laughs]

I'd take another one, but, uh...
I'm a little tied up. [chuckles]

It looks like he's coming with us.

Hey, your TV is busted.

-What?
-Nothing, Ned.

You're coming with us
to Grandma Funnie's house.

Cool! I could use a change of scenery.
Everything around here is busted.

[Porkchop] Oh, no!

[Doug] So we were off to Grandma Funnie's.

♪ Nine hundred and one bottles of pop
On the wall ♪

♪ Nine hundred and one bottles of pop ♪

♪ You take one down and pass it around ♪

♪ Nine hundred bottles
Of pop on the wall... ♪

Shut up! Will you just shut up?

♪ Oh, maybe things look kind of blue ♪

♪ But at least you don't live in a shoe ♪

[Doug] Quiet! Ned! Shut up!

[Doug] As soon as we left,

things began to really heat up
in Bluffington.

It turned out everyone had reached
their Cauphee kid boiling point.

And so, neighbors, drastic times
call for drastic measures.

They're driving me crazy, I tell you!

Everybody, calm down!

I have a plan.

If we're gonna do this,
we're gonna do this right.

Hello, Doug, Theda, Phil, Porkchop,

and my little baby!

[kisses]

Hello, everybody.

You must be Ned.
I've heard so much about you.

I didn't do it, and you can't prove it.

Huh? Oh, you're a little comedian,
aren't you?

I've made a delicious lunch.

I bet a growing boy like you loves to eat.

Yeah, growing. Like fungus.

Mom, once again, you've outdone yourself.

Oh, my, I forgot the soup.

Ned, would you mind going into the kitchen
to bring out the big pot?

No! I mean, uh, I'll get it.

No, that's okay.

Ned doesn't mind getting it, does he?

Uh... why not?

Uh, Mom, maybe I'd better go
give Ned a hand.

No, no, no.
Ned can handle it himself. Sit down.

Thank you, Ned.

-Ned, do you like banana pudding?
-Not really.

Well, what kind of treat do you like?

Uh, pollywogs.

You mean the frogs?

They're made with peanut butter,
raisins, and bologna.

But nobody will ever make them for me.

[crunching]

Mmm. What did you call these cookies, Mom?

Pollywogs?

Yes. Ned gave me the recipe.

He did?

Mmm! These are delicious.

Boy, I bet when your mom
makes a batch of these,

people b*at a path to your door.

[angry shouting]

...and all the time,
Doug had a big plastic cow in his room!

[laughs] Can you believe that?

Ned, don't. You're gonna break it.

I barely touched it.

Oh, he can't hurt it.

Why, whenever I'm feeling bad,

I like to come in here
and give that thing a good pound.

Why don't you give it a good pound, Neddy?

A good pound?

[angry shouting]

A good pound, you say?

-That's right, just smack it!
-Huh?

[mob shouting]

[plays classical piece beautifully]

Okay, neighbors,
we've got us a house to build!

[babbling]

Ned, that was amazing.

That was the first time
I ever got that far

without somebody pulling the bench out
from under me.

You can come over here and play anytime.

[Doug] Having Ned visit Grandma's
turned out to be the best thing we did.

I am so glad I got to meet you, Ned.

Me, too. You're a nice old lady.

And you're pretty nice yourself.

Mmm-mmm!

[Doug] It was weird.

Ned acted like a regular guy
when Grandma treated him like one.

[all] Bye-bye, Grandma Funnie!

[Doug] She even found out
neat stuff about him that nobody knew.

Goodbye, everyone!

[Doug] When we got back to town,
we found out the neighbors

had rebuilt the Cauphees' house
by sundown.

Amazing what folks can do
when they're highly motivated.

[band playing]

And since then,
Ned has changed a little bit.

[playing piano]

He even joined the marching band.

Hoo-hoo! [laughs]

[theme music playing]