05x19 - Doug Gets Booked

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

-[chattering]
-♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear journal

did you ever have one of those days

when you just couldn't find a book
that's worth reading?

The Odyssey.

[thunder rumbling]

[lightning crackling]

[roaring]

[whimpering]

[roaring]

[yawn]

[growls softly]

There must be something more exciting.

[muttering]

"The Pit and the Pendulum."

[grunting]

Ooh.

Not good enough.

[grunts]

Don't you have anything really exciting
in this library?

Really exciting, huh?

How about...

[screams]

[screams]

[cracking]

[yawns]

[footsteps]

[whistling]

That's me.

[whistling]

[clattering]

[Doug] When Ms. Kristal
assigned our midterm book report

I think she was trying to make it fun

but how could she have known
it was going to be just the opposite?

OK, so, um, class

I want you to write a book report--

-[students groaning]
-But... but wait.

You don't have to write
a typical book report

you can use anything
that will best express

what you got from the story.

Yes. Skunky.

Um, when you say "anything"

like, what do you mean?

No rules.

Use your imagination.

I... hate... that.

How can I do a report with no rules?

I need rules, man.

But you never follow rules, Skunky.

I do, too.

The rules tell you what not to do

so that's what I do do.

If nobody tells me what not to do,
what do I do?

What scares me is I understood that.

It's totally gloamin', dudes.

[Doug] Unlike Skunky

I knew exactly what my report would be.

The coolest, scariest story ever.

The Tell-Tale Heart.

And it's only three pages long.

I'm gonna draw a really scary picture
for my report.

[TV plays]

Hey, my school!

[TV announcer] This is Beebe Bluff,
the school

And this is Beebe Bluff, the girl.

What's it like to attend a school
named after yourself?

Find out next week
on Bluffington Kid Beet.

I'm so shocked

They've chosen to do
a TV documentary about me!

Oh, how could I be so lucky?

[TV announcer] Kid Beet is brought to you
by Bluffco industries.

Oh, daddy!

[kisses]

[whistling]

Hey, Doug, did you hear?

They're taping Beebe all week
for Kid Beet.

OK, TV land dudes

as school principal,
I'd just like to say--

Dream on, Skunky.

Time for more me.

Come on! I'm going to class.

[indistinct chatter]

Shh!

Eeww...

Excuse me, Ms. Kristal

but this dog-and-pony show

is gonna interfere
with my precious education.

You're just jealous.

-Nyah!
-Nyah!

[blows raspberry]

[gibberish]

[gibberish]

[gibberish]

Uh, you're getting this, right?

[gasp]

Cut!

Cut!

Dudes, I need ideas.

What's everybody doin'
for this bogus book report?

Duh, I was gonna print mine

in 36 fancy computer fonts.

I was actually gonna read a book
for a change.

-I'm doing a drawing of...
-We'll cap off the week

with a presentation ff my fabulous

midterm book report spectacular

Treasure Island

featuring a cast of 50

and a real boat.

Will Ms. Kristal let her do that?

You're talking about Ms. Kristal.

She always does wild things.

Joey Cucamunga.

If our reports aren't as wild as Beebe's

we'll all look like
a bunch of schmoes on TV.

Uh, that's right!

It'll be on TV.

Everyone will see what we do.

Oh, no!

[sobs]

[Doug] Was my dinky little drawing

going to be good enough for TV?

[everyone talking]

Quiet!

We're ready.

Cue... plug.

-Um, it's Doug--
-Book report, take one.

And... action.

-[blows]
-I did this drawing.

No, no, no, no!

What is that?

It doesn't do anything, does it?

That's boring!

We need action.

I need something more exciting. [yells]

I can't work with this.

[blows] I'm ruined!

Thanks for ruining the whole show.

-I'm sorry.
-Oh, my career is ruined!

Go to commercial! [blows]

[engine revving]

[excited muttering]

Hey, you look at me.

I am without the weight.

Wow, Doug

your book report's even better than mine.

This kid's a genius!

Yeah. That's the kind
of book report I need.

Hmm.

[Doug] My problem was that
The Tell-Tale Heart

just didn't have any cool
weightless scenes in it.

What books do you have on the moon?

We don't have any books on the moon.

They're all right here.

I mean, where are some books
about the moon?

"From the Earth to the Moon,
by Jules Verne."

This is just what I'm looking for!

Shh!

[Doug] Now that I had the right book

all that was left was to build the moon.

Um... hi.

I need to build a moon.
About 20 feet high.

I'll need about 15 tons of dust...

I discovered one problem
with dreaming up cool stuff.

Thinking of it is free...

Sounds pretty good.

I... Uh, your lumber alone's $63 million.

[Doug] But really doing it
can cost a bundle.

Wow, that's a lot.

How about a smaller-scale thing?

T minus two, one, zero.

[Doug making rocket engine noises]

[Doug] I was pretty happy
with my rocket...

and then Beebe invited us to her house.

Does anyone know why
Beebe invited us here?

[all] Huh?

What a pleasant surprise.

My dear friends have visited unexpectedly.

Beebe, don't you remember calling me--

[Beebe] Leg of mutton?

Flagon of grog? Eye patch?

Is that your book report?

Do you like it?

Hi, Long John!

[pirate grunts]

[engine revving]

Wow!

That's unbelievable!

How will you move your pool
into the classroom? Hmm.

[screaming]

If these cameras weren't here,

you would all be so fired!

Skeeter, you are so droll.

Do you think Ms. Kristal
would let me ride a horse into class?

A horse? A whole horse?

I don't want to look like a drip

when Beebe has all those pirates.

I finally know what I'm gonna do.

Treasure Island.

And look.

Cool, huh?

Skunky, Beebe's doing Treasure Island.

Does she have a parrot?

Uh-huh.

[Doug] All anybody could think about

was making their reports
fancy for the TV cameras.

Willy white had a suit of armor
shipped from their ancestral castle.

Uh, "my report

is about King Arthur..."

[yelling, groaning]

I'm gonna create a tornado
right in the classroom.

[whirring]

[whooshing]

Skeet, turn it off!

[muffled yelling]

[electricity crackling]

[muffled]

[muttering]

Just trying to put a positive spin
on my book report.

[laughs nervously]

Uh, a twist ending? [chuckles]

Come on, Doug, it's gotta look cool
if we're gonna be on TV.

[Doug] Even Patti was thinking about TV.

If they like my report,
maybe they'll turn it into a TV show.

[computer] Engaging forward thrusters.

Captain's log, Stardate 5735.

I had just boldly begun making up
my book report when--

Intruder alert! Honk-honk.

-On screen.
-Why do I feel like I'm in the wrong show?

You call this a book report?

Oh, brother!

What an intergalactic loser!

[laughs evilly]

McFunnie, get me a reading.

Captain, I'm a doctor, not a librarian.

Hey, did you hear me?

[rumbling]

Totally torquin'

Mr. Spunky, get us
to the federation library.

Warp factor 11.

Can you chill, Captain?

This is, like, really complicated.

[Roger laughs evilly]

Captain, what should we do?

Maybe I should have read the book.

Don't ya understand, mother?

We own the land our trailer was on.

Make Bill Bluff buy it from us.

Roger Klotz, you're so brilliant.

We'll never be hungry again, mom.

We're rich.

R-I-C-K-H, rich.

Cut!

Can ya make me sound cooler,
for cryin' out loud?

Isn't that Daniel Dravot

the original Smash Adams?

Yeah. Let's see Beebe top this.

And he's supposed to be you?

What book is this from?

My autobiography.

You wrote an autobiography?

No, not me. That guy
over there's working on it.

The guy in the chair.

Oh, Roger, you must wear my hat.

Mmm-hmm.

-Ooh.
-[lips smacking]

Judy!

Don't forget, Roger.
If I help you get an "A"

you're funding my next production.

Brilliant.

Sic 'em, Porkchop.

Doug, you loser.

That's supposed to be me?

If you're gonna bother the actors,
you have to go!

-[growls]
-Okay, this next scene

is where Funnie tries to jump me
with an atom b*mb.

-I never--
-I can't stick to the facts.

I wanna have a good book report.

Hmm.

[Doug] I knew I needed something better
than a rocket model.

And I needed it fast.

[hums]

[laughs]

When I was a boy

my favorite book was

Swift Bob and his Radio-Electric
Alloy Piercer. [chuckles]

[both cough]

And it includes blueprints

to build your own
radio-electric alloy piercer.

Wow! Nobody else in class
will have one of those.

[Doug] So Mr. Dink helped me build

a radio-electric alloy piercer.

[laughs] Let's give her a test run,
shall we?

[Doug] A can opener?

[Mr. Dink] Stand back, Douglas.
This is going to be big.

[like Mortimer Snerd] A-heh a-heh a-heh.

A-heh a-heh.

I made me a can opener.

A-heh a-heh.

[all laughing]

[Doug] I needed something better
than a can opener

and I needed it fast.

Perhaps you could do your report
on a time machine.

We happen to have one available.

Imagine sending your teacher
to the ice age.

-Cool.
-Precisely.

Wow. Where did he go?

Magicians and geniuses
never reveal their secrets.

Now to bring my brother
back from the past.

Oh, dear. [yelps]

[grunts]

The handle broke. I'll go get our father.

Perhaps you should read
a different book, Doug Funnie.

Hurry. There are many species of spider
under here.

[Doug] It looked like
I was the only one in class

who didn't have
some great idea for a report.

[yells]

[growls]

Hey, this could be it.

Hmm.

Judy, can I try out my book report on you?

-No. I don't have... [gasps]
-♪ Ooh, ahh, eee, ooh, disco flu ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah-choo, disco flu ♪

♪ Bacterial b*at will move your feet ♪

♪ Pounding pots and glitter socks ♪

♪ Disco flu will stick to you! ♪

Ugh.

Well, what do you think?

What exactly is this book about?

I don't know, but here's the cover.

Dougie, you can't report
a book by its cover.

I don't have time to read.

Help me with the choreography.

No way. You're going to get an "F"
and I don't want to be involved.

Ohh...

[whistling]

[gasps] That's me?

♪ F city ♪

[Doug] There I was, the night before
my midterm book report was due.

So what if I didn't read the book
I'm doing my report on?

[growls]

What choice do I have?

-[clanging]
-Hmm?

I didn't read that book.

-[grunts] Hmm?
-[crashing]

Didn't read that, either.

Sure, I read that.

But everybody else's
reports are so exciting

I'll look like a doof on TV.

[Theda] Douglas, time for bed!

[Doug] Time was up.
I had to make a choice.

[panting]

[yells]

-OK, back it up.
-[honking]

That's right, back it up.

OK, OK, back it up.

[both instructing at the same time]

[both] Hey, this is my space.

Get out of here.

[honking]

[arguing]

-[all excited]
-Wow. I got a great report.

I'm doing Roger's autobiography

and I got this cool cat.

Skunky, that's what Roger's doing. See?

Oh, wow.

What are you doing your report on, Doug?

Um...

I see we've got some large reports,
so let's get started.

[Doug gulps] Now it was only
a matter of time

until I had to give my report
and face the consequences.

Uh, I was gonna wear the armor

but I kept falling down.

-My report is on King Arth... [yells]
-[crashing]

Uh, my report's on Little Women.

They were so little...

uh, they were afraid of ants.

Help, an ant's got me.

[laughs, groans]

Oh. Help! Help!

I'm gonna eat you, my pretty.

[yells]

The Invisible Man by H.G. Wells.

I am the Invisible Man.

Thank you.

[playing heavy rock song]]

♪ Scarlet letter, Scarlet letter ♪

♪ This is my red-letter day ♪

♪ Scarlet letter, Scarlet letter ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

The ship passed a black hole.

That's a star that's collapsed.

It has a gravitational pull so strong

it sucks up everything in sight.

-[vacuum whirring]
-Huh?

[yells]

Scotty, beam me up, dude.

Traditions of Yakestonia are much.

Read of them in the book

The Festivals of Yakestonia,
A Good Time Was Had By All

by Gorgon Blickman.

A very big fun custom

is "chase the bullhog."

[gasps]

[grunts]

What is this?

Oh, my.

Run... you... lazy... beast.

That'll be enough.

-I think we get the idea.
-[bullhog groans]

Oh, why don't we let it rest?

Well, who'll be next?

My report's on
The Complete Works of Sigmund Freud.

I am the ego.

I am the superego.

You stink. No, I don't. Yes, you do.

No, no, I'm the Id , and I think
you both stink.

[laughs]

No, I don't. Yes, you do. No, I don't.

Before we step outside
for Beebe's report--

Forget it. I can't do it.

Treasure island sunk.

You can just discuss the book.

No. I'm too upset.

Besides, I didn't read it.

I'm properly prepared
to do my report, Ms. Kristal.

Follow me. [laughs]

Wow!

-Pay us now. Pay us now.
-Who's that?

Pay us now.

Pay us now.

My book report just went union.

Just tell us about the book, Roger.

Oh, I didn't read it.

Hey, I read it.

[Doug] Skunky's report was pretty good.

It was very, you know... Skunky.

...Um, in a humble trailer, long ago

a young Roger Klotz was born.

[Ms. Kristal] Doug, you're next.

Huh? Ohh...

Hey, Funnie, where's your report?

I'm sorry if my report's not big enough.

Oh, this should be thrilling. [yawns]

Beebe, class

let Doug give his report
in the way he chose.

[Doug gulps]

"The Tell-Tale Heart is the story of a man

afraid he might get caught
for something terrible he did..."

When I got near the end of my report

I realized no one was laughing at me.

"...The b*ating grew louder and louder.

How could the detectives not hear it?"

Then what happened?

I can't tell you.

This is a great story
that you've just gotta read.

-Besides, it's only three pages.
-[cheering]

What are you doing? This show is about me.

[Doug] It's funny.

I was worried about
not having any fancy stuff

but everyone saw fancy stuff
in their imaginations, anyway.

Wow, man, I really heard
that heart b*ating and b*ating.

[chuckles] Oh, it was so cool
how you did that.

Dear journal, it's me, Doug.

Today I learned something
really good for me

and it made me a better person

and that something is blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.

And cut!

Let's move on to the next scene.

You were fantastic.

Next time, make him wormier.

Who is this Joey Cucamunga?

That's what I say when I get excited.

Ahh. Like... Joey Cucamunga!

No. Joey Cucamunga!!

[Daniel] Joey Cucamunga.

[Roger] No, no, no.
Where'd you learn to act?

[closing theme music playing]