01x02 - The Sloppy Plan

[bunniefuu]

He's a hooker.

What do you mean?

Jules! Her super date.
He's a hooker, a male hooker.

What are you saying?

[man] Was she good in bed?

- What?
- That girl tonight.

We didn't f*ck.

- Wasn't it a "full"?
- It was.

Actually, her friend booked me
to help her get over her breakup.

You have no idea, she gave me
a whole scenario, like, perfect guy.

But the sweet part?
It's two dates and she paid up front.

- Two paid up front and a scenario?
- Yeah.

Not too shabby. Who are you playing?

Schoolteacher. Cool, normal, charming.

f*cking cool!
I've never had a gig like that.

Relax, it's fine!

What could go wrong?

What about...
she gets gonorrhea, herpes and...?

Shush!

What about...she just falls in love?

This isn't Pretty Woman.
She won't fall in love with a male hooker.

But she has no idea your plan
is a male...[whispers] hooker!

Are you dumb or what?

In Pretty Woman,
he knows, he's the one who's paying.

Here, she's not, you are, so...
Actually, are you?

Yeah.

Know what? Honestly, there's a 0%
probability of her falling in love.

Listen, he's the kind of guy
who goes like, "Bon appétit!"

Enough, shut up!
Change of destination, sir.

- [Charlotte] Emilie...
- [Milou] Shut up!



THE LAME PLAN

THE CRAZY PLAN

THE BOOTY PLAN

THE HOOK-UP PLAN

- [tires screech]
- [Milou] We'll get there faster on foot!

[Charlotte] Sorry, she can be rude,
but give her a good review.

Ciao, Amine!

- You know, you're losing your sh*t.
- Shut it until we get to her place.

- Then you can tell her everything.
- Just trust me for once!

I briefed the guy. I did an amazing job.

I gave him all the clues
to turning her on.

You met him in person, you prick?

[electronic music]

[phone rings]

- It's ringing, it's her!
- What should I tell her?

[Charlotte] Dinner...

Friday...night.

[Elsa] Of course, you found it.
Where? In Charlotte's purse?

No, on the bar at the puff party.

ROGER LA GRENOUILLE, 8 P.M.?

- [Elsa] Can I swing by and get it?
- I can drop it off.

- I'd like to see you again.
- You're wasting my time. Smile!

- Like that?
- That's the sh*t!

- [Elsa] By the carousel?
- Perfect. See you then.

All right, listen, from now on,
this is your new phone.

[camera click]

[Milou] How could you do this to her?

She took enough sh*t from Max,
didn't she? It's disgusting!

It's not what you think. It's a new app,
like Deliveroo for your p*ssy.

You can find anything you want.
It's full of cocks!

- No. No. No.
- These cute dicks are all men.

- I thought you wanted to help her?
- I'm done listening to you.

And it's illegal and you know it.

- Wait!
- [Charlotte groans]

Seriously? How can you be so boring?
I'm all about giving! You know that!

For real?
How do you pay for what you give?

You've been squatting upstairs
for two years because you're broke!

- That was not classy.
- I hope you're ready to explain yourself.

Christ, stop being such a control freak!

- Just let it go. Think about Elsa.
- [phones chime]

"I really enjoyed
hanging out with this guy.

OK, I did freak out
but it really felt good, that's crazy.

Good night now, love you, girls, El."

[Charlotte sighs] Stop sulking!
It's no big deal!

I just paid for two dates,
he loosens her up a bit and it's done.

If I see the tiniest ounce
of feeling for this man from Elsa...

Yeah? What are you going to do,
stop talking to me?

You'll be miserable, I'm your BFF.

[Charlotte] Get us an Uber.

Oh, you bitch. We are not walking home!

Milou!

[sighs] You're such a pain!

[both struggle]

- Such a pain in the ass! Milou!
- You are the pain.

["Ta Katie t'a quitté" by Boby Lapointe]

♪ Tonight, at the station bar
Igor is down, feeling blue ♪

♪ Always having a brew ♪

♪ As his Katie, his pretty Katie ♪

♪ She just chucked him out
His Katie chucked him out ♪

♪ And he's drawn a blank ♪

♪ This old grand duke with his schemes
And his white Russian tips and tricks ♪

♪ My tactic was tacky
Says Igor in a snore ♪

♪ Blind drunk on the bar counter ♪

♪ A white Russian feeling blue ♪

♪ Strange stroke of fate!
The ribald revelers chuckle away ♪

♪ Igor, once more, emits a snore
But here by his ear ♪

♪ Marvel! It's a silver clock
Giving him hints and tips ♪

♪ In his deep slumber ♪

♪ Tick-tock, tick-tock...♪

NEW MESSAGE
TO: JULES DUPONT

WHERE ARE YOU?

♪ Your Katie chucked you out...♪

I'M COMING!

Lame. [clears her throat]

[adds chords to the drums of
"Ta Katie t'a quitté" by Boby Lapointe]

[Charlotte] Come on, one bite for Mommy...

- Come on.
- Hm...

Not sure about
your sugar-only diet for him.

I'm not feeding him sugar only.
I give him French fries, pasta, kebabs.

And even pâté. Give me a break.

So, have they left yet or what?

[Charlotte] Wait.

[trickling]

[whispers] Hear the waterfall down there?

- It's morning pee time for Milou.
- [Milou] Antoine!

Now she's yelling at my brother
for some very serious stuff

like a spoon he put
in the dishwasher the wrong way.

- [both giggle]
- [shouting]

Listen.

[Charlotte giggles]

[Charlotte] sh*t, there's nothing!

We can go grocery-shopping later
if you want?

[Charlotte] And then go antiquing
in a fancy neighborhood

and brunch with your friends
who have kids.

[Charlotte] That's how you're going
to get me f*cking wet!

[laughs] You curse like a sailor!

You need to make an effort
at your interview later, OK?

Yeah, but I'm not positive
this job is the right fit for me.

Cream puff boutique manager?

- And the boss is a kinky sex fiend.
- Well, then, you better press charges.

[phone rings]

- Hello?
- Who is it?

Wait a sec. It's your dad.

- I'll meet you before your Eurostar?
- [Matthieu] OK, sounds good.

- [Charlotte] Bye!
- [door slams]

[Charlotte] Hello?

I can't talk right now
but let's meet at the same place at 11.

[whispers] OK, that works, perfect.

- Was that the guy?
- My brother's not home?

You need to stop doing this!

Looks like you haven't had
your good-mood trimester yet?

He has.

Don't! Antoine, she's doing it again.

She's doing it again now!
No, that's enough.

Stop putting your keys here,
we'll get broken into.

Yes, they'll steal
your set of non-stick pans.

- Enjoy your yoga, sweetie!
- Yes, I will!

- Thanks.
- Have a nice day!

- Antoine?
- [mumbled] In the bathroom.

[rock music]

- Did you get my Weetabix?
- Morning.

- Morning. Did you get my Weetabix?
- I did, it's in the kitchen.

Ah! Bestest bro del mundo!

See you later!

- You didn't flush!
- No time!

[typing]

NEW MESSAGE TO: JULES DUPONT

{\an8}FANCY A DRINK WITH MADAME PORK
ON FRIDAY?

[sighs] That's so lame...

Hello.

Hello.

Morning.

- You seem to be doing better?
- Yeah, yeah, totally, yeah.

Yeah.

- So, you heard about the sports center?
- Vaguely, yeah.

The issue is so touchy.

The mainstream media is already on it.

Nightmare. I don't know what to say.

Tell the truth?
Oh, no, wait, you're not good at that.

You're not going to kick them out?

Why not do that?
That's your solution for fixing problems.

Goodbye.

Goodbye to you.

Yes, technically, they went in,

but the center has been closed
for three months.

Listen, last night, it was freezing,
they had nowhere to go.

Sir, migrants are also human beings,
do you know that?

OK. Honestly, besides you,
who gives a sh*t if they sleep there?

So, your complaint, you can fold it up
and shove it up, deep inside your ass.

Thanks for your call.

Aah!

[upbeat electronic music]

- Hello.
- Hi.

What the f*ck is going on?

I paid you for the full show,
not for a mixed plate and bed.

I'm sorry but your friend
is like Fort Knox.

She's just nervous, dude.
I'm paying you to get inside her fortress.

Normally, when I show up,
I find the door wide, wide open.

- Nuh-uh.
- If she doesn't want to, we don't.

Golden rule.

You're supposed to eat this with milk.

Can you stay focused
for two seconds, please?

So, step two. This is the plan.

Stick to it exactly as it's written there.

And then...

you're going to make her eat this.

She'll spill on herself, for sure.

Then, take her top off...

Well, you know how it works.

- OK, I'm going to try.
- No, not "try". You make it happen!

You make it happen, dude!

Memorized your script
about your dad, the doorman story...?

Yeah.

- You're not convincing. Did you?
- Yes. Do you trust me?

Yeah? Yeah. I guess I do.

Good. Ah, embarrassing detail.

Your credit card payment
didn't go through.

You sure?

Pay me before tonight,
if not, this picnic is just for me.

Seriously? I must have 1,000 credit cards.

That's not a problem.
Who do you think I am?

Ah, Jules, Jules, Jules!

What do you think of her?
She's adorable, isn't she?

- Is she adorable or not?
- Really, does it matter?

You have a crush?

You have a crush on her?

[laughs] I knew it.

Hey, make it happen, OK?
I know you can do it!

[Charlotte chuckles]

I'm a genius!

[phone chimes and vibrates]

[running footsteps approach]

Benjy, my little buddy!

[phone chimes]

How is it going?

- Did you like it?
- He's improved a lot, really.

- Hi, Manon.
- Nice to see you.

- How are you?
- [phone chimes]

- Are you coming to Karine's party?
- I'm not really sure yet.

- Maybe.
- [phone chimes]

Sounds like you're popular.

Yeah, right.
To-do list from my girlfriend.

- And this.
- Ah. [gasps]

[Manon] Oh, wow...

- [laughs]
- Yeah...

- Well, see you later.
- Yeah, see you.

[phone chimes]

[Charlotte] Now, in Weetabix boxes,
there's 16 biscuits.

It used to be 32 or even 34 sometimes.
Isn't that crazy?

- That's marketing.
- Marketing?

What they do is give you
half as much Weetabix

so that you buy
twice as many boxes. It makes sense.

Yeah. Uh, by the way,
do you have 200 euros to lend me now?

Right away, before, like, 6:30?

- Uh...
- It's for Elsa's birthday. My card was...

But I already gave a good amount
on your website.

- You're right, her birthday fund.
- Let me check if I have...

No, no, don't worry, it's fine.

OK, I'm not walking you to the train,
this is not Titanic.

{\an8}PROBLEM WITH YOUR CONTRACT.
STAY IN PARIS. CALL ME.

- Are you OK?
- Uh, yeah. All good.

- Yeah.
- OK, got to go! [smooches]

- See you! Bye, friend!
- See you when I see you!

[jazzy electronic music]

Oh, it's you.

[man on megaphone]
That's a wrap for the snow!

[man] Hey, you want to have lunch with me?

I know I seem unaccessible but,
actually, I'm an awesome guy.

Or so they say.

My friend is running super late
so I have a little time.

- Have we met?
- Maybe you've seen me somewhere.

Oops.

That commercial.

The thing for...Carole!

- Yeah?
- The extra. He's in that commercial.

- The one who farts in the elevator.
- No way!

- Yeah, you know, Flatuline!
- Flatuline?

That's part of being famous, man.

- So, did you k*ll it?
- Wait a sec, I'm still in character.

It's a deep hole.

[Charlotte] This will never
be done before the baby arrives.

What, are you an architect now?

- [chatter]
- OK, break time is over, guys, let's go!

[Milou whistles]

How long do I have to lie to my brother
about your maternity leave?

Antoine still thinks you're going to yoga?

With all the supposed yoga,
I could teach the Dalai Lama.

[Charlotte] So, what's up with Jules?

When are you going to call him?

- Uh, well, I don't know, I'm stuck.
- [Milou] Then, don't push it.

- You're not feeling it.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- [Charlotte] No.

Just send him a text.

- [Milou] No.
- Yes.

- Hell no.
- [Charlotte] Yes.

- [Charlotte] Yes!
- [Milou] No!

- [Milou] She told you she's stuck.
- [Elsa] Yes. Yes! But what?

You want her cut up in pieces
and eaten by pigs?

Yes. The guy who k*lled
a girl he met on Tinder.

- What?
- Wait! That's an episode of Black Mirror.

You're just rusty.
Let Chacha work her magic.

- Come on, wait, get off me. I'll do it!
- Stop!

- [Charlotte] Hold on. One sec. Like this.
- [Milou sighs]

Simple, direct...

cute and sent.

- [Elsa] Oh, no!
- [Milou] You actually sent this?

Oh, no, no, no! [gasps]

sh*t, you're saying
all this is potato starch?

- The magic of movies, man.
- Pff!

- We're not going to wait for it to snow.
- Yeah, it makes sense.

[phone chimes]

[scoffs] What's that?
Is it a walkie-talkie?

No, it's from Elsa's friend.
To get me into character.

- So, she's Elsa now?
- I don't get her text. Look.

- Don't mess with it.
- This thing can't read emojis.

[beep]

I'll forward it directly to my phone
so we can decode it.

- [iPhone chimes]
- [Jules] So?

Peach, corncob, heart.

- Nasty chick, Miss Elsa.
- Not really.

So, what do we answer?

Here.

- A theater?
- Hm.

I have to turn her on with a theater?

You're not turning her on, she's a client.
Just type what's on the paper.

All right, but I'm still
adding eggplant and eggplant...

peach, tongue.

- Classy.
- Seriously?

I'll see you at the backstage entrance.

Déjazet Theater. 6:30 p.m.

And then, because you're a pro:
corncob, donut, drip, drip.

Done.

[phone chimes]

- And you're sure this will display OK?
- Man, am I a geek or not?

- Send it.
- [phone chimes]

- [Elsa] He replied!
- [Charlotte] Mm!

- What did he say?
- Alien, alien, poop, baby.

Backstage entrance.
Déjazet Theater. 6:30 p.m.

[sighs] Santa Claus, hospital, hospital.

A psychopath's reply.

It's positive, right?

It's not negative.
You've got a second date, babe!

- The aliens must be a metaphor for us.
- Hm.

And the Santa Claus means
you're a gift from Heaven.

- You think?
- I don't.

- Déjazet Theater. Intriguing place.
- Yeah!

- He's so unique, I love that.
- Calm down, it's a theater!

But the poop part, I don't get that.

[Elsa gasps] I know!

Maybe it means him and I are like
two aliens who met on this poopy planet.

[hammering in the background]

Who gives a f*ck! Just write back.
Don't play hard to get.

- It's slutty.
- [Elsa] Is it?

- Yes.
- Nonsense.

- You're right. Slutty.
- [Charlotte] Yep.

- [Milou] It's not!
- Your last date was before the Internet.

- So what?
- OK.

- So, you don't know sh*t.
- You make no sense.

[bike bell]

[jazzy electronic music]

[Elsa gasps]

DEJAZET THEATER

I'm sorry, I'm always late.

Three minutes late isn't a big deal.
How are you?

- Ready?
- Yeah.

What is it? A surprise?

Are you willing to trust me?

Yes.

- [whispers] It's Jules.
- [door opens]

- Hello, sir. OK.
- Shush.

EMERGENCY EXIT

Where are we going? What's that? [gasps]

- This is so nice, you brought a picnic?
- Yeah.

- What are we having?
- Meatballs.

- No way! Meatballs?
- Is that OK?

- Meatball sandwiches?
- Yes.

- Really? I'm obsessed with meatballs!
- [distant singing]

[Elsa] Oh, wow, the backstage door!

That's so cool!

- How do you know this place?
- Come on.

Have you always lived in Paris or...?

I have but, you know, I think
that I no longer look at the city...

I no longer...We always go
to the same places, it's boring.

We are...[gasps]

- It's incredible! It's beautiful!
- Come on.

And, you know, I really think it's a shame
because we should act like tourists.

[singing becomes louder]

- [Elsa gasps] Whoa!
- Shush!

[Elsa] Wow! Oh, my gosh!

- Over here. This way. Come!
- OK.

[jazz music playing]

MANON: LUNCH TOMORROW?

WITH PLEASURE

[door closes]

[approaching footsteps]

- Is that you?
- No, it's Catherine Deneuve.

- Wait, you closed the place down?
- No, we hung out after the class.

Pregnancy chat.

- [Antoine] What are you doing?
- I'm going to shower.

Can I join you?

No, no, no. No, I'm fat,
I don't want you to see me naked.

I need some me time, I'm going to explode.

- Oh, my little popcorn!
- [Milou] No.

- [phone chimes and vibrates]
- Put it on vibrate at least.

I hate those beeps, you know that.

We live in a world of constant beeps.

Beep on the dishwasher, on the TV,
beeping washers and phones.

It's f*cking annoying! f*cking annoying!

- You're not mad at me, right?
- No, not at all.

- [Milou] OK, I love you.
- Me too.

[melancholy ballad]

I love this song.

[Elsa] Hm.

I can't be the first one you brought here.

Excuse me?

I mean, the theater surprise,
the concert, the picnic.

- Ah...
- Huh.

You...You want to try a sandwich?

Excellent diversion technique.

Well, OK, it's true.
I used to come here as a kid.

My dad was a big fan
of music and theater and...

He couldn't afford tickets
but had a deal with the doorman.

Yeah?

So, it's not the first time
I've come with someone.

But, with a girl, it is.

[ballad continues]

In my family, music is like a religion.

sh*t!

sh*t.

- No big deal.
- I'm such an idiot!

[sighs] Why can't I just stay clean
like all those girls

with their perfect layered bobs
and their slim jeans with zero creases?

I'm such a mess, I look dirty.
Even clean, I look dirty.

What are you on about? Who cares?

You know what? Let's take it off.

No, wait, wait, one second. No, I...

- What? What's going on?
- I...

- I can't. I just can't.
- What do you mean?

I just can't.

I'm going to leave, sorry.

- Wait, you're leaving?
- Yes, I have to go.

What are you doing?
We've got an hour left.

[shouts] Elsa!

Elsa!

Elsa, wait.

[tires screech in the distance]

Elsa!

Just wait!

Damn it, I'm so sorry.

- I'm so sorry, tell me what's wrong.
- Oh, everything, I mean...

I'm totally useless.

No, you're not.
You're everything but useless to me.

You're gorgeous.

- [romantic music]
- You are.

You are so pretty you make me forget
your shirt is disgusting.

Don't leave like that.

It all sounds good to me but...

you f*ck on your next date.

There won't be a next date.

[background pop music]

OK, what's going on here?

What's up with you two tonight?

Are you hiding something from me?

Huh?

OK, there's something
that we need to tell you.

That Charlotte needs to tell you.

[pop music gets louder]

[woman] Are you coming?

[Charlotte] We haven't found a place
for your surprise birthday party.

Oh, holy f*ck!

You freaked me out.

And...

And...And...

And...

And...And...don't expect a joint gift,

because no one contributed
to your birthday fund.

For now.

Yes, for now.

[upbeat music]

[music turns into theme tune]