The following programme contains
strong language,
v*olence, scenes of a sexual nature
and adult humour from the start.
My boys are tied up, so I need you
to collect something for me.
Yeah, yeah. No worries. What is it?
His name's Tony Tillerton.
That's a person.
Tell me what he's told you, Sara.
(ALL SCREAM)
What the f*ck have you told Sara?
The only thing linking me to that
headless f*cking corpse is you...
and your idiot friends.
They've got nothing on me, Vin.
For richer and poorer, in sickness
- and -Police!
- Armed police!
Vincent O'Neil, we are arresting you
on conspiracy to m*rder.
You're making a mistake.
You're the first thing in the morning
and you're the last thing at night.
JUDGE: 'I sentence you
to six months imprisonment.'
♪ g*ng STARR: Work
♪ What is it you wanna do
when you grow up?
♪ Ai, yo, I'm gonna be a ti-dop
♪ That's all my eyes can see
♪ Victory is mine
Yeah, surprisingly
♪ I've been laying,
waiting for your next mistake
♪ I put in work
and watch my status escalate
♪ Now I'mma start collectin' props,
connectin' plots
♪ Networkin' like a conference... ♪
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
O'Neil. It's time.
Eh?
Come here, Ernie.
Give me a love, mate.
It's been a pleasure, Vin.
You're a good lad, eh?
Now is that a f*cking hard-on? Is it?
It is a hard on! 'Ey, Ernie's finally
got himself a hard-on here.
(LAUGHS)(INMATES CHEER AND WHISTLE)
f*cking wants doing.(CHUCKLES)
Stay away from schools,
you dirty old bastard. (CHUCKLES)
Right then,
if you can just stick yourself
in this end one, please, Mr O'Neil.
Yeah.
And when you're in there, just
- remove your trousers, please.
- Eh?
Don't worry, it's just a precaution.
I'm being released from jail.
I wouldn't be sticking anything up my
- arse.
- Yeah, you'd be surprised.
You're bloody right, I would.
See, the anus is...
It's an incredible organ. It's a bit
like the female uterus, actually.
It's capable of expanding
- to great widths.
- Oh.
I've found loads of cool stuff up
- them.
- Go on.
Well, er... I once found a phone.
Oh, yeah.
- dr*gs, obviously. A g*n.
- Eh?
- Hacksaw.
- f*cking hell.
- Um...an MP3 player.
- Crikey.
Christmas lights.
I were like that.(LAUGHS)
- A miniature submarine.
- Why?
- Harry Potter novel.
- Oh, get gone.
- Yeah.
- They're f*cking that thick.
Yeah. Deathly Hallows, this one.
600 pages.
(BOTH LAUGH)
So, are we gonna have a
quick peak then?
Oh, you... Come on.
I mean, what's the deal?
Have you always wanted to do this for
a living or what?
I kind of fell into it really.
Saw an opening.
(LAUGHTER)
Hey, hey!
(SQUELCHING) (GRUNTS)
♪ BARRETT STRONG: Money
(That's What I Want)
f*ck!
Sugar, Sugar, wake up. We're late.
- We're late!
- f*ck.
ERIN: I can't believe I slept in.
I promised him I'd be there.
Did you get bummed?
No, I didn't get f*cking bummed.
I bet you've been bloody bummed.
Nah, not really my thing.
(LAUGHS)
- See ya.
- All right, Vin?
- All right, Georgio?
- You OK, mate?
Yeah, not so bad.
- See you next week, Vinnie!
- f*ck off!
♪ That's what I want
♪ That's what I want
# That's what I want... ♪
(HORN BLARES AND TYRES SCREECH)
(TYRES SCREECH)
(LAUGHS) Come here, mate.
Uncle Vinnie!
Aw! Oh, I've missed you, man.
I've missed you.
I'm sorry I went away.
You look handsome.
- Hi.Hiya.
- Welcome back.
- You all right?Yeah, are you?
- Yeah.
- Did you bring me a spliff?
- Yeah,
- course.
- Ahh! (WOMEN LAUGH)
All right, Sugar? My youth.
That hotel was terrible.
♪ THE MAMAS AND THE PAPAS:
I Saw Her Again
(CALLS OUT INDISTINCTLY)
(ERIN LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS AND WHOOPS)
Why didn't you want the guys
to pick you up?
I wanted this little bugger
to be the first face that I saw.
(LAUGHS)
Eh? Besides, them buggers, they'd
have just forgot, wouldn't they?
- Didn't they visit?
- Once or twice
they did. The odd phone
call here and there.
But I got the feeling
they were trying to keep me happy.
How is the weed grow?
Is it all right, yeah?
- Yeah.Yeah?
- Yeah, fine.
Thank f*ck for that.
Has McCann been in touch?
No, I don't think so. Has
- he not been in touch with you?
- Mm.
No. I mean, I didn't mention when I
were getting out. Could be that.
You know, maybe he's
just waiting till I get out.
It's just as well them buggers didn't
know when I were getting out.
They'd have thrown a surprise party,
wouldn't they? You know what I mean?
Mm. Shame.
(CHEERING)
♪ MARLENA SHAW: California Soul
Hey, Vinnie!
- You all right?
- Vinnie.
(ALL CHATTER EXCITEDLY)
- How are you?
- Welcome home, mate.
(CHATTERING CONTINUES)
Eh?! Oh, it's good to see you.
Oh, what the f*ck are they
doing here? sh*t.
Oi, get hold of our Tyler, will you?
Bloody hell.
Oh, sorry, don't stop on my account.
f*ck do you want?
Just came to welcome you back,
Vinnie.
Nice one. Well, you can f*ck off now,
can't you, Slater?
Oh, right. OK, sorry. Yeah, I will.
But just for factual accuracy
it's, "f*ck off,
Detective Inspector Slater."
Uniform no more.
Isn't that right, Hoskins?
- Boom.
- Mm.
Detective, huh? Well done, Carl.
Maybe now you can investigate
them reports of a local man
who bums dogs. (SNIGGERS)
Yeah.
Smile it up, arsehole, because
tonight, myself and my team
are paying a visit to your adult
establishment
and unless every last licence,
certificate and f*cking regulation
is up above board and up to date,
I'm closing you down.
And as for you, "mechanic",
I know you're selling stolen wheels
and we're gonna f*cking catch you.
And then there's Vincent.
(SOFTLY) Aw.
Little motherless Vinnie. Aw.
"Preventing a lawful burial
of a body."
Is that the best
they could do?
(SCREAMS)
Six months.
I know you've got a weed grow and I
know you're involved with McCann.
And I am making it
my personal mission
to ensure that you
and all of your scroaty mates
end up behind bars
for as long as the law will allow.
- f*ck off.
- I thought it was a moment.
I'm sorry. Misread it.
Oi! It were a poodle.
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)
Let's just assess the reality
of the situation, right?
Oi, oi. The paperwork for the Rat and
Cutter, I assume all that's f*cked.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yes, assume cos it's
me in charge it's all gone to sh*t.
Assume all the admin is in a state
- of f*cking disarray.
- Well, is it?
Yeah, as a matter of fact it is.
Yeah.
Hang on, sweetheart. You're supposed
to be co-assistant manager.
You told me you were taking care
of licences, remember?
- Christ, you are useless.
- Dickhead.
Honestly. He is a dickhead
It's gonna be months before we can
sort that bloody paperwork out
and run that place legal now. Which
means all we've got is that weed.
So the location, I can't have them
finding that.
Let's go easy on the visits
this time.
There's a bit of a problem with
- that.
- What kind of a problem?
Uh...with the grow.
Oh, hell.
(SHOUTING AND GRUNTING)
Where's the weed?
Eh? Where's the f*cking weed?
They've f*cking taken everything?
McCann's men. Every last plant.
I mean, we're...we are f*cked.
No club, no weed.
f*cking Slater and that creature.
Who's that f*cking guy he's hanging
out with? That little homunculus.
f*cking giving it big licks.
Breathing right down our necks.
How the f*ck are we gonna make a
living here?
Summat'll turn up.
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I know you're in there, Vinnie!
I can f*cking see you
on your bed smoking!
All right. sh*t, dude.
What time is it?
Never f*cking mind that.
Just open the door.
What the f*ck do you want?
Something's fell into me lap.
- Candy from a baby.
- Yeah?
Well, not f*cking literally.
Why would I have candy in my lap?
I'm not a f*cking nonce, Vin.
And even if I was,
I wouldn't be luring infants
with f*cking candy in my lap.
I'd hang about at the swimming pools
or something.
At f*cking soft-play centres.
I don't know what I'd do,
but it wouldn't be candy.
You'd be a brilliant nonce. I've no
doubt of it. What do you want, man?
Oh, I've got a job for us.
Gonna earn us all thousands.
What kind of job is it?
The Great Bull Semen Heist.
Eh? Come on.
- Count me out of that.
- Count you out?
This'll be the easiest dough you've
ever earned in your life.
Stealing sex piss
for a f*cking angry Gandalf.
I've just come out of jail. Why would
I nick a load of sex piss for you?
I've got Slater breathing down
me neck and everything.
Piss off, Jim, you old c**t.
Fine! I'll f*cking take it
to the others then!
Do!'Ey, and when we're all spending
spunk money,
don't you come f*cking moaning
to me.
(HEAVY THUD)
- Ow!
- That f*cking hurt, twat!
- f*ck off.
- You f*ck off.
You f*cking old c**t.
(DOOR OPENS)
Hey, Vinnie
You all right, knobhead?
How's it going?
What the f*ck is that, dude?
National "Check Yourself" Week.
This is Valerie, my new friend.
Valerie the vag*na.
(DEEP VOICE) Hello, Vinnie.
Dude, she wouldn't sound like
- that.
- She would.
That's exactly what she'd sound
- like.
- Would she bollocks.
It's a growler.
How do you expect them to sound?
She wouldn't be growly though, man.
She'd be um... What?
..American, wouldn't she?(LAUGHS)
(SULTRY AMERICAN ACCENT) Hey, Vinnie.
(LAUGHS)
No, no, I tell you. In both a
personal and professional capacity,
I've come face to face with a
thousand fandangos
and they're ruthless, brutal.
They're like, "Hello, Doctor."Stop.
"You look like a bad boy, don't
you?"f*ck off now. Oi."Come here."
Stop. Stop puppeting that minge.
So, how was prison?
(SIGHS) It was all right.
I think I looked after myself.
I had three meals a day.
I was exercising a bit...
- first week.
- Did you get bummed?
No, I didn't get f*cking bummed.
- Really?
- No! It's not just a big
bum-sex orgy, dude,
the moment you walk in
to f*cking jail.
How was your...
- You know... The bipolar?
- Yeah.
f*cking hell.
Yeah, it was all right.
f*ck, I did some thinking in there,
you know.
It's at night,
when they shut that door.
I thought about my mum...
..and how she abandoned me.
f*ck. I mean, I'd done
the same thing to Tyler, hadn't I?
Come on.(SIGHS HEAVILY)
I need occupying.
Otherwise the voices kick in
Why not go back to your old tricks,
get back in with the old g*ng?
I don't want to end up in
- jail again.
- Well, small scale.
Sell a bit of weed or whatever.
Oh, f*ck.
Oh, you star.
Dude. It's half decent.
Thanks, Vinnie.
What do you think, Valerie?
(GRUFF VOICE) Abso-bloody-lutely.
Tell him to check his balls.
(LAUGHS)
Good girl.
She's right on message.
(MOOING)
So I'm on this date last
- night.
- Sheep-shagging,
as the rest of us call it.
(LAUGHTER)
-'Ey! I'm a f*cking catch me.
- Right.
Eligible bachelor, self-made man.
What website are you using?
Desperate-and-Deranged.com.
(LAUGHTER)
Muddy Mates. It's for farmers and
the farming community.
Lot of very mucky women on there.
(LAUGHTER)
Do you wanna hear this f*cking
- story or what?!
- Go on.
'Right, her name
is Lesley Anne Fisher.'
- Posh, yeah.
- And she is a journalist
for a farming magazine.
I'm searching for a soul mate,
not some easy minge.
- ALL: Mmm.
- And over a few wines, we
- get talking.
- You were drinking wine?
No. I had a pint of stout.
She had the wine.
And the more she drank,
the more she gabbed.
My next feature is on what they call
-"film-star" bulls.
- Oh.
- Have you heard of them?
- No.
But I once had a Friesian that was
the spit of Jodie Foster.
(BOTH LAUGH RAUCOUSLY)
What?
Film-star bulls are bulls that carry
the highest-proof semen.
Semen with the proven ability to
sire cows with high milk yields.
Right.
But here's the real attraction.
Where a single ejaculation might
normally produce, say,
50 straws -
50 -
a sh*t from a film-star bull
can produce as many as...
500.
f*cking hell. Super spunk.
Fair play.(MURMURS OF ASSENT)
The bull I'm seeing next week,
Sonny Boy,
he's at a secret location
and he's a...
a real A-lister.
His frozen semen sold for
500...600 a pop.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
Right, just hang fire then.
So 600 quid a pop you're saying.
- Yep.
- And he can do what 500
- sh*ts at his jizzing best.
- Yep.
Jesus Christ. Go on.300,000.
300,000, dude. That's a lot.
f*cking hell. For bull splooge?
It's like gold dust. Hey,
and I've got all the details
of when she's going.
So I suggest we follow her
and her photographer,
intercept 'em en route and then go
and nick the knob yoghurt.
We'll do it.
That's a f*cking good idea.
All right? They're expecting
a nice lady journalist, so that's
exactly what we'll give 'em.
VINNIE ON WALKIE-TALKIE: Jimbo,
- what's going on?
- Got eyes on, over.
I have visuals
on the target's abode.
Speak f*cking normal, you bellend.
Just let us know
when she's setting off.
Raymond... Roger that.
Raymond Roger that?
Ash, do you know what you're doing
- with that camera?
- Yeah.
It's a camera. Just point and sh**t.
No, you've got to look professional.
"That's it, sweetheart. There we go.
Make love to the lens.
Pout. Hold that, yeah."
Do you want me to do it?
No, dude. Look, why...
why does Ash get to be
the ph-photographer?
Exactly. Should be me on that
magazine. Bit of f*cking diversity.
10-4. 10-4!10-4, message received.
Can you tell him
he's doing the wrong code?
The target is leaving the premises.
I repeat, the target
is leaving the premises.
Shut the f*ck up.
We're gonna cut her off now.
LESLEY ANNE: (SIGHS CROSSLY)
For God's sake. What's this now?
I hate being late.
Hiya. I am so sorry
to wave you down.
My car's broken down
and my charge has gone on my phone.
I was wondering if you could call
- the garage for me.
- Well...
we're in a bit of a h-
- Yeah, course we can.
- Yeah?
- I'm really good with cars.
- Oh, thank
- you so much.
- I'll take a look.
Amazing. Thanks.
What's the...what's the problem?
I think it's the back wheel.
When I was driving,
I could hear a clicking sound.
I think it needs a jack up or...
Yeah, sounds like it.
Lesley! f*cking dickhead. What are
you doing? (YELLING)
Get out! Come here, you...
♪ THE HIVES: Main Offender
Oh!
(YELLING)
Argh!
(ROARS)
(SHRIEKS)
Cardi! Have you knocked him out?
f*cking idiot.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, like it rough, do you?
- Yeah!
- Yeah, yeah.
Well, I can be as rough -
Arghhh!
Get her!(SHRIEKS)
Nice and tight, Ash. She's a
f*cking nutcase.(CHUCKLES)
You double-crossing piece of sh*t!
You should've gone Dutch on the
meal then, shouldn't you?
Dearest wine. And the pudding.
I'm not f*cking made of money.
You should've kept your hands
out of your pocket,
instead of fiddling your shrivelled
- old manroot.
- I was rearranging.
- Rearranging my arse.
- I'll rearrange
your f*cking arse in a minute, love.
What does that even mean?
Dickhead. (TUTS)
Listen, we're not gonna hurt you,
neither of yous.
We just want the address where the
- bull's kept.
- I'll never give it.
You can t*rture me, you can do what
you like, but I'll never ever -
- It's in the sat nav.
- Ohh!(LAUGHS)
He's a good lad. Come here, give me
a kiss. You're a good lad.
Right, now then. You three, take 'em
for a bloody walk.
We're gonna see a man about a bull.
Go on, f*ck off.
Cardi, just guide her. Guide her in.
She's a nutcase.
See you later.
I don't need you, you look like a
- plank.Come on!
- All right.
TOMMO: Two drops'll give you
enough time to find out
where the vials are stored.
♪ HONEYFEET:
Colonel Haithi's Trunk Juice
(BIRDS CHIRRUPING)
- Wait.
- What is it? What's up?
That is a hawfinch.
Terrific little bird, the hawfinch.
They can exert enough force to cr*ck
open a cherry stone.
f*cking riveting(!)
Come on!
ASH: Remember what Tommo said -
you only need two drops to knock
them out. Right?
Smile, Lesley Anne.
You from Total Farming?
Yeah, absolutely.
I'm Lesley Anne
and this is my photographer Ash.
You're Lesley?
Yes. Yes, Lesley Anne.
You sounded older on the phone.
(CHUCKLES) She gets that
all the time. Old-lady voice.
- Don't you?
- I do.
First time I spoke to her
I thought she was a pensioner.
Anyway, you...you must be Ruth.
Yeah.
And my three boys -
Victor, Vernon and Vincent.
V, V, V. A bit of a V thing
going on there.(CHUCKLES)
- The three of you.
- Anyway,
we're very excited to meet Sunny
Boy, aren't we, Ash?
- So excited.Yeah.
- I've always found
bulls to be very photogenic.
You won't see a better-looking bull.
If I was a cow, I'd have him inside
me all day long.
Right, shall we start with a quick
chat... This is ready...and a brew?
BOTH: Yeah.
If I have a herd of a hundred cows
and each one is inseminated
three times over a nine-week period,
have a guess how many'll get
pregnant on strong bull sperm.
- I wouldn't know.
- Couldn't say.98%.
Wow.98%!
See my Sunny Boy
has thousands of daughters
in countries all over the
- world, yeah? Tokyo.
- Tokyo.
- Brazil.
- Brazil
- Mozambique.
- Mozambique.
(CHUCKLES)
You mean to say MOO-zambique.
(LAUGHS)
Right. (CLEARS THROAT)
Well, we'd really like to meet him.
Yeah, we really would,
we really would.
But before we do that,
I couldn't get a group snap
of all the four of ye, could I?
Kind of like the human side
behind the animal's success.
Yeah, yeah. Course. Why not?
Thanks.
Lovely. Right, if you assemble
yourselves...
(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
♪ THE CASTAWAYS: Liar Liar
♪ Your nose is longer
than a telephone wire
♪ Ask me, baby, why I'm sad
♪ You've been out all night,
know you've been bad
♪ Don't tell me different,
know it's a lie... ♪
Listen, man, I'm sorry I didn't come
to visit you more.
Um... Just...you know, I felt so
guilty about you ending up in there.
It's all right. Forget it.
You took a b*llet for us
and I'm grateful to you, right?
Any one of us on that Tillerton trip
could've ended up inside, so...
I'm not...
You can't grass on your mates.
I wasn't gonna do that, was I,
you know?
You can't do that. Just like you
can't be telling your missus
sh*t she doesn't need to know, Dildo.
Have you told her about the f*cking
guy who got his head taken off?
She told me she didn't blab.
Of course she f*cking did.
Christ on a bike.
Do you believe that?
Don't lose your head.
f*ck!
Well, she... You f*cking turnip.
Use your brain, you handsome moron.
Just keep her out of your life.
Yeah, well, I have.
Good.
f*ck, dude. I don't want to go back
inside for anyone. It was terrifying.
- Oh, oh. Are we on?
- Yeah.
Where's he?
Tom! Tommy! Come the f*ck on.
Terrible tracksuit. Come on.
(LOCK BEEPS)
(ANIMAL GRUNTS)
There he is...the film star.
Wow. He's a beauty.
Like I told you.
Ruth, walk me through the process.
Before he inseminates the lovely
ladies,
how do you extract the semen?
Simple. We excite him
with a bit of cow spray
and get him to mount another bull
while we... So he's gay, is he?
- No.
- She just said another bull -
He's artificially excited.
Yeah, but he's happy to get up on
the back of another boy and...
..give it a go
Well, he's not fussy, is he?
He just wants to release himself.
For top-quality sperm
he can only be released once every
month or two.
Once you've collected the semen, you
freeze it. Where is that stored?
Shall we just agree that he's bi,
- so?
- Ashley!
- I'm just saying.
- We just collect the
semen in some glass vials and...
- Mum?
- The vials, where are they
- stored?
- I feel a bit... f*ck.
- Ruth? Where's the freezer?
- It's...
The vials?
(HEAVY THUD)
Oh...
f*ck's sake. You ruined that with
all your gay questions.
The bull mounts boys, Erin.(MOOING)
See he's agreeing with us. Oh,
- careful.
- It's all right, calm down.
How much did you put in? The
two of them are out in minutes.
f*cking two, like Tommo said.
(BULL GRUNTS)
We need to find the freezer.
- You check in there.
- Yeah, I will.
- You go.
- I'll try and find
the others.(MOOING)
Whoa, Sunny.
We're both gay men. All we want is
a few of your baby tears, all right?
(GRUNTING)
Erin!
Hello? Lads?
'Ey, lads? Oh, f*ck. You big fucker.
sh*t. Jesus Christ, you're f*cking
strong, dude.
- Get off!
- sh*t.
Have you found any jizz?
I'm saying sh*t out of joy and
- happiness.
- f*cking sh*t!
Ooh, sh*t. You're a good lad.
You're a good lad.
(BARKS)
f*ck! Shut the door.
- Oh, my God. Tommo!
- What is it?
All right, all right.
Remember, it's more scared of you
- than you are of it.
- Is it?
Just open the f*cking door.
- Oh, it's got a code.
- Try 1-2-3-4.
It's not gonna be that, is it?
Try 9-9-9-9.
(MOOING)
- No.
- Four zeros.
(KEYPAD BEEPS)
No. We're not getting
in here, are we?
Which is why I specially said
you need to see the frozen jizz
before they pass out.
Obviously two drops was too
- much, wasn't it?
- Have we f*cked it?
- Yeah, we've f*cked it.
- f*ck!
Unless... DYLAN: Unless what?
Well, unless we take the big lad
here with us.
(MOOING)
'Ey up, it's the police.
What the f*ck do they want?
Oh, sh*t, it's Slater.
They must know we have the bull.
CARDI: Caught red-handed.
Afternoon, officer.
It's afternoon, detective.
You're milking it, man. It's starting
to look like harassment, girls.
Oh, what's that? It's a search
warrant for the entire site.
A search warrant? What you hoping
to find? Contraband cows?
I've had information that you're in
cahoots
with convicted criminal
Vincent O'Neil.
(LAUGHS)
Ooh, who's told you that?
Weed, stolen wheels, sexual
- debauchery.
- Farmers?
f*ck off. Too niche even for me,
sweetheart.
Fine. Search.
But I want every vest
and every skiddy Y-front
back where you found it or I'll be
bringing my lawyers in.
- Ladies.
- Bend 'em over, lads.
Weird."Bend 'em over."
What are you bending us over for?
- Catch you later.
- Ooh, eh.
Get the bull in the cow shed
and watch out for its blind spot.
What's that?
What's a blind... Jim?
What's a bl... Jim?
f*cking hell, man.(SHOUTING)
Come on, big lad.
I'm so hot.(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
No! Red! Cardi. Put it away.
- sh*t.Knobhead.
- Go on!
♪ SHARHABIL AHMED: Argos Farfish
- Har! Har!
- We've such a big treat for
- you later.
- That's it.
Nice and gentle.
Har! Har!
A big treat after this.
- A big treat after this.
- Grrr!
(SHOUTING)
- Yay!
- Yep.
Right, listen. The way I see it,
we've got a tiny window here.
We've got to get matey boy to sh**t
his load, collect as much as we can
and then we f*ck him off back to
his original owner, right?
Or...we keep the bull.
A-grade wazz,
licence to print money.
Oh, yeah. Like the goose that laid
the g-golden egg.
And how did that end?
How did that end?
I f*cking don't know. It's like a
cautionary tale, innit, for kids.
To do with greed and sh*t like that.
I dunno.
- I'm going to Google that.
- Don't...
JJ.
Let's not Google that,
let's f*cking YouTube
how to wank a ginger bull off.
We can't do it, they use stimulants
and specialised equipment and stuff.
No, no. Way I see it, right,
a wank is a wank is a wank.
The todger, be it human, dog,
badger or bull, responds to touch.
Ergo, all we need is to get matey
boy here aroused and merry jizzmas.
Eurgh.
Erin, whack on your Marigolds.
-(SOFTLY) Love you.
- I'm not doing it.
He's actually quite gay though,
Sunny Boy, so a man
- is definitely better.
- Cardi then.
You can f*ck off. You do it.
I'm not f*cking doing it.
Tommo, you own a sex dungeon
For the umpteenth...
What I own is an erotic parlour.
We don't stretch to bestiality.
There were one time with a rabbit,
- but that were going too far.
- f*cking
rabbit. What could do with a...
Listen, do you have, like,
stuff to bring men off
in your horrid dungeon?
Course I do.
What kind of sh*t do you have?
You name it, mate.
We've got er...tingly lube,
fake gushing vag.
My personal favourite -
the chilli inserter.
Where's that go?
Where the f*ck do you think it goes?
Right up the arse,
you f*cking great lemon.
Right, we'll get the chilli inserter,
you two dickheads find a sexy cow.
Where's the weed, boys? Where's
the stolen motors?
Is that it? Oh, no.
It's a flower vase.
Oh, is that 'em?
Oh, no. It's a porcelain frog.
(CHUCKLES)
What's this then, eh?
POLICEMAN: Over here, sir.
Oh, dear.
- Weaponry?
- Those are depinned.
They're memorabilia.
Sir.
- And this?
- It's a Luger.
It's from the First World w*r.
Dangerous weapons.
What has he got planned?
I've got a big one, sir.
- Shall I get it out?
- Go on.
You're nicked.
(MOOING)(COAXES)
Er...hello. This one's quite fit.
- Based on what?
- Nice nose.
He's not going to be looking at her
nose.
Sunny Boy will be looking at
the arse. Look at her arse.
I'm not an expert on arses.
Check the udders then.
- What others?
- Not the others,
the udders of the cow.
The swingy-down bit. Have you
never been on a farm before?
Yes, I've been on a farm.
(SQUELCHING)
Uhh!
(LAUGHS)
I stepped
straight in poo there.
(SPLASHING)
Oh!
I f*cking slid on that one.
Right, I need go and pick Tyler up.
Any excuse for you to get out of
w*nk*ng a bull off.(LAUGHS)
Eh? (BOTH LAUGH)
Before you go I do need to talk to
- you, actually.
- Oh. Go on.
I've got a bloody problem.
What kind of problem?
A McCann problem.(SIGHS)
He's locked me off.
He's not answering me calls.
There's no communication. It's like
I'm f*cking persona non gratis.
- Grata.Grata.
- Yeah.
Honestly, I never said a word.
I kept my mouth shut.
The police were offering me less
time if I only grassed
and I kept me f*cking gob shut.
Terence who?
Maybe...he wants to stay on the safe
side until things quieten down.
I don't know though.
If I'm no use to him,
then I'm just a worry to him and
that frightens the sh*t out of me.
He is a ruthless man, Erin. You know?
Come here.
I don't like you worrying.
You'll be fine.
You know...(CLEARS THROAT)
You know that thing you said to me?
Mm.
That you whispered in my ear
- when I got arrested.
- Yeah.
Did you mean it?
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
(SIGHS) But Vin...
I know, it's all right.
You don't have to explain yourself.
I know you've a lot going on,
got your exams,
you wanna get the f*ck out of here
cos it's miserable. (CHUNTERS)
It just meant a lot to me,
that's all. Hearing that.
Do you know that I fancy you loads?
- Shut up.
- I fancy you...
Shut up...every single day.
f*cking nightmare.
I need to get Tyler.
Get the f*ck out of here.
I've got to wank a bull off.
- Oh, Jesus.Come on.
- Get out.
- Get out of it.
- Good luck.
(CHUCKLES)
Right, Vincent,
let's titillate a bull
Anyone seen Jimbo? He's not in his
- house.
- He's not come through.
- Has no-one seen him?No.
- f*ck.
(MOOING)
We'll have to do it ourselves.
How hard can it be?
Boy meets girl, let nature take its
- course.
- JJ, get the f*ck in there
and release that cow. Cardi,
get your Tupperware ready.
Oh, Jesus. He's f*cking coming for
me. I am not touching that.
Tupperware's a sh*t idea. Have you
not got a bucket?
Let the crown see the jewels.
JJ, gi' over being a f*cking mard
arse. What are you reversing for?
Oh, yeah, look at that. She's
sniffing his d*ck, in't she?
Straight in for the BJ. Very nice.
Think of her as one the lads,
- Sunny Boy.
- Come on, sunshine,
she's right next to your chopper.
f*ck, he don't look too interested,
does he?
She looks like she's gonna mount
him!(SIGHS)
All right, we'll have to do it
- ourselves. Tommo get in there.
- What?
Get in the bleedin' pen!
And take your sex spray.
Come on, Tom. Come on, Tom.
- Christ, it's gritty.
- Gritty?
Heavens above, it's enormous.
It's like a French baguette.
- What flavour?
- What flavour(?) Beef.
Can you imagine a beef baguette?
I'm starving.
Come on, sunshine, there we go.
Give it up for your Uncle Tommo.
You sound like a paedophile.
Vinnie, you're putting me off.
You're w*nk*ng off a f*cking
ginger jizz machine
and calling yourself Uncle Tommy.
- You sound like a paedo.
- He's a bull.
He can't understand me.
Then why talk to him?
Because, Dylan,
in case you hadn't realised,
I'm pleasuring a f*cking bull and I
am trying to... Ahhhh!(MOOING)
Shut up. Get your Tupperware ready.
Good lad. Good lad.
- Tommo, come on.
- It's getting hard.
It's getting really f*cking hard.
Come on, son, get in there.(GRUNTS)
Wait for it, Tom.(GROANS)
- I'm going. Arh.
- Come on, Tom.
I'm cramping.
- No, no, no. Push through.
- Arh.
- I've got to swap arms.
- Don't
stop, he's got a proper throb now.
- He's getting close.
- Take over!
Get out of the way.
(GROANS)
- Go on, Tom.
- f*cking...
Tickle his balls.
I swear to God, if I end up
in a f*cking psychiatric ward,
we're gonna know what did it.
It's coming.
Get ready, lads! It's coming! Get
ready!(MOOING) Now!
(SPLUTTERING AND GROANING)
- How did we get on?None.
- f*ck all.
f*ck! (VEHICLE APPROACHES)
What's that?
- It's Jim, it's Jim, it's Jim.
- What?
(SPLUTTERS)
- It's not Jim, it's a 4x4.
- It's not
- them, is it?
- We need to get out.
He's got a drill. Why's he got a
- f*cking drill?
- How've they found us?
f*ck how they found us. Run.
- Hide. Hide, hide.
- f*ck.
VICTOR: He's here.
RUTH: Jesus Christ,
all that semen wasted.
It's warm. They're still here.
Well, find 'em.
We're gonna f*cking k*ll ya!
(COCKS g*n)
You no-good sons of b*tches.
You lying puke of the devil!
To give her her dues,
she's got a way with words.
I am a fair woman.
DYLAN: You're a scary woman.
So, if you come out now,
I'll go lenient
- OK.
- Where the f*ck are you going?
Come to think of it, we're really in
- the sh*t here now.Yeah.
- Yeah.
Right, what I'm thinking is this.
One of us runs out,
they will give chase.
The rest of us escape.
- That's a good idea.
- Yeah.
Who's gonna do that then?
Last chance,
you cocksucking whores of Jezebel!
It's biblical, in't it?
Bit h*m* maybe.
It might be.
Just give us that spray.
Do you want tingly or cooling?
- f*cking... Give us tingly.
- Right.
(MUTTERING)
♪ Buona sera, signorina,
buona sera
♪ It is time to say good night
to Napoli
Arghh!
♪ Though it's hard for us to
whisper, buona sera
(g*nsh*t)
# With that old moon above
♪ The Mediterranean sea, mmm...
- Where's the others?
- They all went
in different directions.
(MOBILE RINGS)
- Yeah?
- Hey, are you all safe?
Yeah, we're fine.
- Fine.
- Thank f*ck. Thought one of us
had been k*lled for sure.
Where shall me and Tommo meet you?
You and Tommo? Where's Cardi?
I thought he was with you.
- sh*t.sh*t?
- sh*t.
(g*nsh*t)
f*ck!
(RINGS)
That's him.
- Cardi?
- We've got your fat friend.
Yeah, we know. We want him back.
You're in no position
to be making demands.
He's covered in my Sunny Boy's gloop
and that's thousands of pounds
dripping down his fat f*cking face.
- Sorry.
- We're sorry about that, all
right?
But you got your bull back.
- How did you find us?
- He's chipped.
Like a car. Trackable.
He's chipped like a car. Dyl, you
were right. Clever innit, really?
But you got him back so, you know,
let's not make a thing out of this.
Let bygones be bygones, you
give Cardi back...
If we don't get the frozen semen
back,
this lard-arse goes in the slurry
pit.
What are you talking about?
Don't play innocent.
Your fat f*ck of a friend did that
and he got a slap. Tell 'em!
Yeah. She slapped me hard.
The frozen semen vials are gone,
every one of them,
and that's a lot of f*cking money.
f*cking stop. Just listen to me.
We might be thieves, but I'm
- telling you we're not liars.
- Well...
We're not liars. And, you know,
we did try to drug you.
- And we tried to steal your bull.
- We
even tried the semen. Didn't work.
We f*cking did. We tried to steal the
semen from the freezer
and couldn't get in it. So I'm
telling you, whoever stole that jizz,
it wasn't us.
In that case, the fat f*ck dies.
Oh, fucker. Ring her back. Bastard.
Is she actually gonna k*ll him?
You sure you didn't steal the vials?
Think about that f*cking question!
- Straight to voicemail.
- If we didn't
- nick it, who did?
- f*ck knows, dude.
Right, OK, I've got a little
confession to make.
'You know when we took her to the
woods?'
- I need to pee.
- You don't think we're
gonna fall for that old one?
No, I really do. I swear.
I'm bursting.
Listen, love, I've got a prostate the
size of a hard-boiled egg
- and even I don't wanna go.
- You
c-can't let her p-piss her pants.
- Y-Come on.
- Oh, you... (GROANS)
Is this all right here, yeah?
Yeah, yeah. Fine.
Let me get those off you.
Go ahead.
Turn around.
Turn... Turn around!
Yeah. Sorry. Of course, yeah.
- Ohh!
- Cardi!
- Oww!f*ck off!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Come on!
- Right, yeah.
- For f*ck's sake!
- Come on!
- Coming!
He f*cking said not to let her pee.
Hit him.
- Ow.Idiot.
- DYLAN: Ten to one
Lesley stole the vials.
I'll do a voice.
Don't do a f*cking voice.
(HEAVY THUDDING) f*cking hell, you're
- like the f*cking police.
- Sorry.
- Lesley Fisher?
- Lesley Anne.
- Package here for you.
- Eh?
Sign here, please.
Ha, it's a ruse! Dickhead.
What's with all this f*cking pink?
I like it.
I like toast. I don't peg it all over
me shagging house, do I, dickhead?
Get out of my house.
Have you found owt?
- Nothing in the freezer.
- sh*t. Look,
them farmers are not f*cking about.
(MOBILE PINGS) They're gonna hurt our
- mate. Where's the jizz?
- Vin.
Oh, f*ck! There's only you and that
f*cking snapper
know where that jizz was kept. It
doesn't take a genius -(SPITS)
- The f*ck?
- Mind my shoes.
You spat on my d*ck a bit.
You ruined my feature, walked me to
the woods like a dog to be put down.
You drugged them, you robbed them.
You deal with the consequences.
How do you know we drugged 'em?
Well, I...I...(MOCK STUTTER)
Shut the f*ck up! Where's that jizz?
Everyone f*ck summat up. Grab summat
pink and just f*cking... Yes, Ashley!
Go on, boy.
OK, OK, OK.
Don't touch it.
Hurry the f*ck up before they
drown our mate in pig sh*t.
- Dickhead, what's that?
- Why would I
- look in a garage?
- Nice one.
There's summat doing my head in. The
freezer where they kept the jizz,
how did you know the code for that?
Guesswork. It was 1-2-3-4.
- You f*cking said that.
- I said that.
- He said that.
- Can we get on with it?
Now, it needs handling carefully.
If it's allowed to get warm,
the whole lot will be ruined.
So, you boys be careful.
Need to be careful with it
(ALL SHOUT OUT)
Oh, sh*t.
f*ck off, Lesley. What the f*ck?
What have you done that for?
- You've k*lled my mate.
- You've f*cked
- us.
- I'm gonna f*cking go apeshit.
What are all these f*cking gloves
- about, Lesley?
- You f*cking...
I think I might
have just come up with a plan B.
You're going nowhere, you f*cking
nightmare. This is too gloopy.
- We need to whisk it more.
- Water. Put
some water in it, you knobhead.
What the f*ck's that?
That is my plan B.
What the f*ck's that out of, a shrew?
Give me six and a half minutes
and I'll get you some more.
f*ck me, you better hurry up.
Come on, put some out, bud.
- Guys, come on.
- Whisk then. Whisk!
I'm whisking.
Whisk like your f*cking life depended
on it.
♪ THE CAPITOLS: Cool Jerk
sh*t.
You all right?
We've er...got your jizz here.
What are you doing? Got your semen.
- You're late.
- I know, but we sent
you a text. Did you not get it?
Yeah, we got it but, you know,
a deadline's a deadline.
Yes, it is. We're f*cking here now
though. Do you want the jizz or not?
Course we do. But you see, you've
- caused us a lot of trouble.
- I know.
I mean, look at my f*cking eyes!
They're still tingling.
(CLICKS FINGERS)
'Ey, lads. (HAMMERS CLICK) Lads.
(PANICKED SHOUTS)
f*ck! (AIR HISSES)
- Out the van!
- All right.
f*ck.
- Clothes off.
- What? Come on.
You drugged and sprayed us.
You're not tricking us a third time.
And you're f*cking late. So I want
it all off. Underpants an' all.
Clothes off now!
Willies out on a farm?
Do you wanna see your mate again?
(HAMMERS CLICK)
- Get your hogs out.
- What?
Just get 'em out.
- It's f*cking freezing.
- f*ck, bro.
JJ, come on.
It's like some weird '70's p*rn
this, in't it?(CHUCKLES)
f*ck, it's cold.
He's a big lad, in't he?
Yeah, he is a big lad.
He's known for that - f*cking...
Where's Cardi?!
- Check the semen.
- Can't get my
f*cking trousers off.
Nippy, in't it?
Is it good? Is it all there?
It's a funny colour.
How do we know you haven't swapped
- that?
- With what?
What would we switch it with in this
- time? Our own?
- Ridiculous.
Fine, but we'll be testing it, yeah?
And if that is not film-star
splat... (CHUCKLES)
..I'll be coming after every single
one of you with a f*cking scythe.
- What's a scythe?
- I have no idea.
Come on then.
Why does he never say owt?
- Right. Here's your fat friend.
- Oh,
- lads.
- Cardi, you all right, love?
Mind them pigs.
Come on, love. You all right?
Good lad. Dude, dude, dude.
f*cking touching.
They said they were gonna
t-throw me
in the f*cking slurry pit.
Well, we're f*cking here now, aren't
- we?
- Let's go then.
- Oh, for f*ck's sake.
- You're joking?
f*cking hell.
Go on then, f*ck off.
Nice jacket that.
They were designer them.
This is f*cking Jim.
Candy from a f*cking baby.
I should have stayed in t'nick.
Get in.
- Did you get bummed?
- No, I didn't get
f*cking bummed, dude. Get in the van.
- We'll have some chips.
- Let's get
- t'radio on.
- Sorry about the trouble.
All right.(MUTTERS)
- Do you want chips, Cardi?
- Who's gonna
go in? We're all naked.
Mr McCann.
Hello.
My name's Erin.
I'm a friend of Vincent O'Neil.
And?
I've got a proposal.
It's me mum. She's dead, Vinnie.
We want our money.
- Get him!
- Jesus.(YELLING)
Arh!
If you're looking for a free
funeral, you can go f*ck yourself!
I'm burying his mam with dignity.
- f*ck's sake.
- Amazing knees.
- Dickhead.
- They're smashers.
There's not a thing on this list we
- won't have done.Buried at sea?
- f*ck.
(SHRIEKS)
No, we've got a situation.
We've got a situation as well.
Don't f*cking come in here!
Argh! (SHRIEKS)
03x01 - Episode 1
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Follows the lives of Vinnie O'Neill and his friends as they live their lives in the fictional northern English town of Hawley.
Follows the lives of Vinnie O'Neill and his friends as they live their lives in the fictional northern English town of Hawley.