04x06 - m*rder Mystery

[bunniefuu]

Aggressive, egocentric,
narcissistic...

..he'd happily lie to your face.

..he'd happily lie to your face.

What would your diagnosis be?

c**t.

c**t.

Yeah! That's exactly what I thought.

You are shagging his daughter, man.
Yeah, I know, but I'm...

Everyone I'm shagging
is a daughter of someone,

Everyone I'm shagging
is a daughter of someone,

doesn't mean you
have to be a blazing arsehole.

Don't know why he hates me so much.

What if he's younger than yer?
No he's not.

What if he's younger than yer?
No he's not.

He's five weeks older. I checked.

What, and he's supposed to be rich,
this bell-end, is he?

What, and he's supposed to be rich,
this bell-end, is he?

God, yeah.

Massive house...

butler, valet...

..amazing wine cellar...

..you should see it.

Why the f*ck would I want to go
and visit a wine cellar, man?

Why the f*ck would I want to go
and visit a wine cellar, man?

No, seriously!
You should see his wine cellar.

He's got six cases of 1980 Bordeaux.

Oh. It's me favourite, Bordeaux.

Two and a half grand a case.
Hmm.

Two and a half grand a case.
Hmm.

So, go on,
what you suggesting then?

I'm not suggesting anything
as a medical professional.

But as Annabel King's darkly
mysterious imaginative lover...

But as Annabel King's darkly
mysterious imaginative lover...

I'm telling you, they run
a m*rder Mystery night once a month,

you'd have access
to the entire house.

Oh...
God! You out!

Oh...
God! You out!

It's medicinal!

Yeah, do you know how much
of this f*cking shite I have to use

to get rid of the smell in here?
Oh, God.

to get rid of the smell in here?
Oh, God.

(THEME MUSIC)
# The best things in life are free

# But you can give them
To the birds and bees

# I need money... #

# I need money... #

What, hey, 250 quid
for us all to go to some sh*t party?

f*cking hell.
It's 250 quid each.

Bloody hell, Vin.
f*ck...

Bloody hell, Vin.
f*ck...

Christ. Listen.

Half of us aren't even
playing the game, you know,

we'll be stealing the bloody wine
out of the cellar.

Why is it so expensive, though?

Why is it so expensive, though?

Oh, it'll be all champagne, canapes,
and that jizz.

I'd be wanting roast swan
with cocaine up its arse

for that kind of money.

Listen, it won't f*cking matter
how much we spend on the tickets.

Listen, it won't f*cking matter
how much we spend on the tickets.

Cos we're stealing
thousands of pounds of f*cking wine.

It's enough to sort the
community centre, right out.

Honestly.
Pingerty f*cking ping a ling, dude.

Honestly.
Pingerty f*cking ping a ling, dude.

Put that sh*t on silent, will yer.
Sorry. Spam.

It's er, it's some carpet salesman
in Preston who's got my number.

He won't leave me alone.
Fascinating.

He won't leave me alone.
Fascinating.

Also, Sugar is ovulating
that weekend, so actually we're out.

Alright, well, listen,
I'm not sex master flex,

Alright, well, listen,
I'm not sex master flex,

but it takes two f*cking minutes
to create a child?

There speaks a man
of great experience.

Just... f*ck me.
We'll be done by ten. Right.

Just... f*ck me.
We'll be done by ten. Right.

Postpone the bones, JJ.
Postpone it.

Argh, fine! OK, but listen,
am I pressing pay, or what.

It's a lot of money.
Can we pull it off?

It's a lot of money.
Can we pull it off?

Yeah, we can pull it off,
course we can.

We quite often don't.
Can we do it, or not?

I don't know, I...
Done. Booking is none refundable.

Character details forwarded
within 24 hours of booking.

Character details forwarded
within 24 hours of booking.

Costumes are considered essential.

What kind of costumes?

(FINGERS PULSE)

(FINGERS PULSE)

What do you want, Davey?
Straight to business. I like that.

What do you want, Davey?
Straight to business. I like that.

Got a job offer.
Yeah? I'm not interested.

Now, now, now, Dylan.
Listen to Davey.

It's nothing criminal.
Just semantically illegal.

It's nothing criminal.
Just semantically illegal.

What do you mean?
It shouldn't be illegal.

Nobody thinks of it
as being illegal.

It's just a little bit...
outside the law.

It's just a little bit...
outside the law.

Yeah.

I'd like you to host a poker night
for some friends of mine

next Saturday.

A little birdy tells me you're
an excellent player, is that right?

A little birdy tells me you're
an excellent player, is that right?

So I've been told, yeah.

Just keep a clear head and
make sure the game runs smoothly.

They're an easy going sort.

They're an easy going sort.

And I'll give you a grand
for your efforts. Are you in?

No, thanks. No. I've got plans.
I've got a party to go to, so.

I don't think I heard you correctly.

I don't think I heard you correctly.

You gonna kick the sh*t out of me
as well?

No, sweet boy.
I'd like you to do this for me...

..because I'm asking you nicely.

Give me ten grand
for the community centre.

Fine. Oh, and, Dylan,

Fine. Oh, and, Dylan,

this little arrangement
is just between ourselves.

Understand?

And, uh, liven it up a little bit,
sartorially.

And, uh, liven it up a little bit,
sartorially.

You usually dress
like you're pulling a plough.

Off you go, sweet cheeks.

Guess what I found in the
blueprints to that posh house?

Guess what I found in the
blueprints to that posh house?

Go on.
A f*cking priest hole!

For Jesus sake,
and we're surprised

the Catholic church
has a bad reputation.

the Catholic church
has a bad reputation.

Hang on, sweetheart.
What do you think a Priest Hole is?

It's a glory hole for priests.
Ohhhh.

I thought the same.

It's where they used to
hide the priests back in the day

It's where they used to
hide the priests back in the day

when it was frowned upon
to be a Catholic.

Frowned upon? Dude,
they were ex*cuted by the monarchy.

Whatever.
Anyway, this one has a tunnel

Whatever.
Anyway, this one has a tunnel

that leads from
the far edge of the garden,

all the way to the wine vault.

WC? Is that wine cellar there?

WC? Is that wine cellar there?

Err, no, that's the lavvie that.
But it's round there somewhere.

Yeah. It's blocked.
The toilet, or the tunnel?

That f*cking line there,

That f*cking line there,

means that the entrance
to the wine vault is bricked up.

I know that, smartie pants.

Do you think this is
the first set of blueprints

Do you think this is
the first set of blueprints

I've ever looked at?
No.

I've been putting in complaints

to the f*cking council building regs
office for f*cking years.

to the f*cking council building regs
office for f*cking years.

You c**ts want to build
prefabricated shitboxes

near my land,
you can f*ck right off.

near my land,
you can f*ck right off.

My cows do not wanna be
looking at piss poor architecture.

Who the...
who the f*ck are you bollocking?

Who the...
who the f*ck are you bollocking?

Who's this that's all...

is like f*cking eight foot man
you're bollocking.

f*cking council, never mind.
f*ck me, dude.

Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

The reason we're going through there
is because it is bricked up.

No one's gonna expect it,
know what I mean?

So, what is the plan?

I'll tell yer
what the f*cking plan is.

I'll tell yer
what the f*cking plan is.

A bunch of you's are gonna be
in the f*cking game,

keeping your eyes on the guests,
most importantly,

keeping 'em away
from the f*cking library,

keeping 'em away
from the f*cking library,

cos that's where
we'll smash through,

bang on 8pm. Yeah?

Jesus Christ.

Bang on 8pm.
Very specific time, Vin, isn't it?

Bang on 8pm.
Very specific time, Vin, isn't it?

It's all specific, it all matters,
because at that time, 8pm,

you're all gonna be
in the f*cking dining room,

you're all gonna be
in the f*cking dining room,

which is the furthest point away
from the wine vault.

So that, me, you
and that f*cking knob end there,

can hoof the wine
back up the Priest hole,

can hoof the wine
back up the Priest hole,

through the garden.

I've gotta get to that rascal,
with these men.

Once I send you the text,
that's where were gonna meet.

Dude, I can't. I can't make it now.
I'm busy.

Dude, I can't. I can't make it now.
I'm busy.

You on a date?
Yeah. Yeah. Something like that.

Deliver me, dude. What the f*ck!

I have spent £250 on your ticket!
Sorry.

I have spent £250 on your ticket!
Sorry.

I'll do it. I'm good at accents.

Right.
Erin, you will be Brandy Vermouth.

Right.
Erin, you will be Brandy Vermouth.

Femme Fatale.
Ooh!

Brandy Vermouth
that's just two drinks put together.

sh*t name.

Dude, I didn't come up with the
f*cking names here guys, alright.

Dude, I didn't come up with the
f*cking names here guys, alright.

These have been sent to me.

Cardi, you're gonna be
Major Matters.

Aye-aye, Captain. Alright.

Aye-aye, Captain. Alright.

Ashley? You will be...
Yeah, go on.

..Lord Rupert Harris.

Well, business me,
that sounds like a lovely part.

Well, business me,
that sounds like a lovely part.

No f*cking "business me".

You f*cking idiot,
no-one's ever said that.

Right, Tommo.

You're playing a Fat little Activist
called Keith Jones.

You're playing a Fat little Activist
called Keith Jones.

(LAUGHTER)

What? Hang on.
What.. What kind of activist?

I don't know what kind of
f*cking activist, I don't know!

I don't know what kind of
f*cking activist, I don't know!

A non-specific activist.
Jesus f*cking hell.

I'm wearing my own clothes then.
Alright.

Carol. You will be...

(THEY IMPERSONATE A DRUM ROLL)
Hurry up now.

(THEY IMPERSONATE A DRUM ROLL)
Hurry up now.

Mrs Housekeeper.

Hold a f*cking minute here,
Mrs Housekeeper?

That's not even
a f*cking proper title like?

That's not even
a f*cking proper title like?

That's f*cking sexist bollocks
if I ever heard it.

Oi. Shut up.
What the f*ck is wrong wi' you lot?

It's a robbery!

Get your f*cking heads in it.
Does anyone have any questions?

Get your f*cking heads in it.
Does anyone have any questions?

(ALL SPEAK AT ONCE)

Everyone! That's everyone!
That's all...

No, no, no. You'll stop right there.

What?

What?

Is it just like nibbles,
or is it big dinner as well?

I'm storming off. I'm stomping off.

I'm f*cking storming off, guys.
It's a fu.. that is a fu..

I'm f*cking storming off, guys.
It's a fu.. that is a fu..

It's a reasonable question,
do I need to eat before, or not!?

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHIMES)

# WOLF ALICE:
Beautifully Unconventional #

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

Follow me. Please.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

JJ. Let's do it, man.

JJ. Let's do it, man.

Support us and become VIP member
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Jimbo?

Is it down that one?
Jim?

JIM!
Bang, bang, you're dead, lads.

JIM!
Bang, bang, you're dead, lads.

It's alright, relax, it's only me.

Well, what you doing?
What you wearing?

It's a disguise and a costume
at the same time.

It's a disguise and a costume
at the same time.

Clever, eh? This way.

Night vision goggles,
it's twilight hour, dude,

you can still get sh*t done.
What's that there?

That's the thing, Jim. Told yer.
Told yer.

That's the thing, Jim. Told yer.
Told yer.

f*cking told yer.
Y'know what I mean.

Alright. Listen. Prise it up.

Alright. Listen. Prise it up.

You'll not prise it up like that.
These old things are solid.

They're practically b*mb proof.

(CRASH)

I'm alright!

(QUAINT LOUNGE MUSIC)

(CROCKERY CLINKS)

(CHUCKLES)

Ash!
Very classy.

For f*cking 250 quid,
classy can go f*ck itself.

Canape?
Bring 'em in, lad.

(KEYPAD BEEPS)
Oi. You look like a twat, mate.

(INTERCOM RINGS) (MAN CHUCKLES)

'What?'
Er, yeah, Davey sent me.

(DOOR BUZZES, UNLOCKS)

(KNOCKS)

How's it going? You alright?

Dylan, it's fine.

Dylan, it's fine.

Here y'are.

How's it going?

You Davey's guy?
Yeah, I am.

You Davey's guy?
Yeah, I am.

Where is he?
It's not his scene.

Yeah, well, makes sense, don't it?

What the f*ck's
that supposed to mean?

What the f*ck's
that supposed to mean?

Well, you've all got your clothes on
and it's not 65 degrees.

(QUIET, MUFFLED LAUGHTER)

Let's hope you're not
a f*cking cheat

Let's hope you're not
a f*cking cheat

like the last one he sent over?

Useless bastard
black web internet f*cking shite.

Useless bastard
black web internet f*cking shite.

I had to send bits of coins
for that.

It's not bit, bit coin, you thick...

f*cking c**ts sent 'em back.
Oh, Vin, Vin, Vin, mate...

OK, listen, right.

OK, listen, right.

I've not really told anyone this,
like,

but I've just got this really like,
deep fear, yeah,

of being buried alive
and-and it's happening.

Gonna have to stop yer.
It's not happening!

Gonna have to stop yer.
It's not happening!

Let's stop you there.

It's hundreds of years old
this buil...

Why would it suddenly fall in...
I'm really scared about...

The smaller the tunnel,
the less chance there is

of it collapsing
and burying you alive.

of it collapsing
and burying you alive.

Or is it more chance?
It's not. It's not a thing.

It's not... Dude, it's not a thing.

Regardless of what it is, yeah.
I'm gonna f*ck off.

Regardless of what it is, yeah.
I'm gonna f*ck off.

Hey, don't run off.
Oh, for God sake.

Are you not gonna go after him?
No, f*ck it. He'll be alright.

JJ, wait in the Rascal, yeah.
Yeah, man. So sorry, boys.

JJ, wait in the Rascal, yeah.
Yeah, man. So sorry, boys.

f*cking hell. Check this out.
Strobe.

Hey, f*cking hell.

Come on, let's f*cking rob this.
Alright.

Come on, let's f*cking rob this.
Alright.

Yeah, I faked a panic att*ck,
alright.

Just get here as soon as you can.

I love you.

I love you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(GONG CHIMES)

Your hosts,
Mr and Mrs Carmichael King.

Your hosts,
Mr and Mrs Carmichael King.

(APPLAUSE) (CHATTER)

Dear friends. Dear. Dear Friends.

Thank you all for joining us here
this evening...

Thank you all for joining us here
this evening...

..although it pains me to announce
that one of you...

is a m*rder*r.

(EXCITED CHATTER)

(EXCITED CHATTER)

Ten of these envelopes contain clues
as to the identity of the evil fiend

who k*lled my mother,
God rest her soul. (INHALES SHARPLY)

who k*lled my mother,
God rest her soul. (INHALES SHARPLY)

I shall avenge you, Mother.

(GROANS)

If you receive one of these,
then your job

If you receive one of these,
then your job

is to try and solve the m*rder
without you yourself being k*lled.

However.

In the eleventh envelope
is a red hand.

In the eleventh envelope
is a red hand.

If you receive this,
then you are the k*ller

and it is your job to try and k*ll

as many of your fellow guests
as possible.

as many of your fellow guests
as possible.

I-I might pause a question and, er,
Mr King, if you will permit me?

I-I might pause a question and, er,
Mr King, if you will permit me?

No!

Er, there are several other clues
dotted throughout the house

Er, there are several other clues
dotted throughout the house

that will help you to solve
the m*rder and catch the k*ller.

The most important thing. Have fun!

Yeah, if you must (!)
(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, if you must (!)
(CHUCKLES)

Dinner will be served
at seven fifteen, sharp.

We expect the k*ller to restrain his
or her urges until after coffee.

We expect the k*ller to restrain his
or her urges until after coffee.

(CHUCKLES) (SPORADIC APPLAUSE)

MOUTHFUL: Toodle pip.

Ash, you take the professor
and the priest.

Ash, you take the professor
and the priest.

Right, you two follow the Kings.

Tommo? You take the nurse
and the er...

riding the fox thing, the man...

Yeah, but we can, er, you know,
play the game a bit first?

Yeah, but we can, er, you know,
play the game a bit first?

You know, cos I do consider myself
quite the aesthete.

You have one job, Greta,

You have one job, Greta,

make sure your two
are in the dining room by 8pm.

See yer.

(SLOW, CHILLED MUSIC)

(SLOW, CHILLED MUSIC)

What time is it, Vin?

Seven.

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

f*ck!
What?

I've got loads of slugs
shagging all my cabbages,

I meant to put down some repellent.

I meant to put down some repellent.

Well, f*ck, I mean, can you not
ask poor lad that's working for you?

He'll do it, won't he?

Great idea, Vin.

Hello, is that Pascal,
yeah, it's Jim here.

Calling from a tunnel
with no signal,

which is why
I'm using my f*cking hand.

which is why
I'm using my f*cking hand.

c**t.

(THEY CHAT IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(THEY CHAT IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

You gonna pull 'em up on that?

(CHAT CONTINUES)

(KNOCKS TABLE) Gentlemen, er,
English at this table only, please.

(KNOCKS TABLE) Gentlemen, er,
English at this table only, please.

(HOWARD COUGHS)

Mate...

I'm gonna take a piss.

I'm gonna take a piss.

No one leaves the table
while they're playing.

No matter how full
their f*cking bladder is.

(SLOW, SINISTER MUSIC)

What the f*ck?!
(URINE GLUGS)

What the f*ck?!
(URINE GLUGS)

Disgusting guy!

I'll see.

(CHIPS CLATTER)

(CUTLERY CLINKS)

Well, this is pretty f*cking dull.

You're all supposed to be
talking to each other in character.

You. Brandy Vermouth.

You. Brandy Vermouth.

Tell me something about yourself.

OK. Erm, I have a son
called Tyler...

No, no, no, no.
Tell me something about Brandy.

No, no, no, no.
Tell me something about Brandy.

OK.

I once ran over a man's head
outside of a night club

I once ran over a man's head
outside of a night club

and I buried him... (GASPS)
alive.

(CHUCKLES)

Brilliant. Brilliant.
She's getting it.

Erm, who's next, you, Major.

Erm, who's next, you, Major.

I-I-I...

Yeah, pathetic. Erm, you,
do you cry when you masturbate?

Yeah, pathetic. Erm, you,
do you cry when you masturbate?

Well, I, er, wouldn't say floods,

but I definitely
had a drizzle or two...

Not you, you f*cking simpleton.
The priest.

Not you, you f*cking simpleton.
The priest.

AWKWARDLY: No.
Are you sure?

Is that what it said
in the character breakdown

my wife wrote for you?

my wife wrote for you?

I cry when I masturbate.

He cries when he masturbates!

Could he be the m*rder*r?

Could he be the m*rder*r?

Oh, come on.
It's supposed to be fun.

Talk to each other!

(CLEARS THROAT)
So, you're a professor, are yer...

Yep.
What of?

Yep.
What of?

Not f*cking dentistry, is it?

(GONG CHIMES)

(CLEARS THROAT)
Um...

(CLEARS THROAT)
Um...

We shall now move to the library
for dessert...

Yes! This is where
the fun really starts.

(CLOCK TICKS LOUDLY)

You ready, Vin?

Cause a scene.
What?

It's nearly 8pm.

It's nearly 8pm.

We can't go in the library until
Vinnie has smashed down the wall.

Go.

I'd like to propose a toast
to Mr King there,

I'd like to propose a toast
to Mr King there,

for their hospitality,

by song.

Mate, just leave me gong alone,
yeah?

Yeah, just give me one quick go
and I'll be...

Yeah, just give me one quick go
and I'll be...

(GONG CHIMES LOUDLY)
(INCOHERENT SINGING)

(BANGING) (WALL CRUMBLES)

(GONG CHIMES LOUDLY)
(INCOHERENT, DISCORDANT SINGING)

(GONG CHIMES LOUDLY)
(INCOHERENT, DISCORDANT SINGING)

(WALL CRUMBLES)

(WALL CRUMBLES)

Right.
f*ck, dude, I hope they can't hear.

(LAUGHS)

(GONG CHIMES LOUDLY)
(INCOHERENT, DISCORDANT SINGING)

(GONG CHIMES LOUDLY)
(INCOHERENT, DISCORDANT SINGING)

Cut!
(NOISE STOPS)

Library. Now. f*ck sake.

(INHALES)
Thank you.

(INHALES)
Thank you.

Sorry.

Not in the character description,
but never mind.

(WALL CRUMBLES)
f*ck, dude. sh*t.

(WALL CRUMBLES)
f*ck, dude. sh*t.

Argh!

(EFFORT GRUNTS)

I wonder where the door is?

WHISPERS: Hey.
Oh. f*ck me in the bum.

WHISPERS: Hey.
Oh. f*ck me in the bum.

Oh. f*cking hell.
Yes, madame.

f*cking hell.
Yes, madame.

Where's the f*cking lights.
Yes. Yes. Yes.

Where's the f*cking lights.
Yes. Yes. Yes.

Oh, f*ck, dude. Look at this sh*t.

f*cking jackpot.
Fantastic.

Bayswater.
The Mayor of... Cheam...

Bayswater.
The Mayor of... Cheam...

and Phil Brilliance,
who was a terrific fencer.

Have you nearly finished?

Kurt!
(CLICKS FINGERS)

Kurt!
(CLICKS FINGERS)

Now.

Remember, if you are
dispatched by the k*ller,

you must return here,
to the library.

you must return here,
to the library.

Now, let the game commence.

(SINGLE CHEER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER, GIGGLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER, GIGGLES)

Come.

(SLOW, SUSPENSEFUL
SYNTHESISER MUSIC)

Let Kirk go.
OK.

Let Kirk go.
OK.

Wait till I hear from Vinnie,
make your excuses and leave.

What do we do in the meantime?

Look like you're having fun,
enjoy yourself?

Look like you're having fun,
enjoy yourself?

Got your big sign, Tom, yeah?

# THE LIMINANAS: Salvation #

Boom! Ha-ha-ha. You're dead, mate.

# Rain is falling

# Rain is falling

# I remember nothing

# When I think of you... #

(TOMMO YELLS) (WOMAN SCREAMS)

(TOMMO YELLS) (WOMAN SCREAMS)

Argh!
(LAUGHS) (PIERCING, SHRILL TONES)

Dickhead.

# I remember nothing

# When I think of you... #

(TOMMO GROANS) (EFFORT GRUNT)

(TOMMO GROANS) (EFFORT GRUNT)

Ha!

# Consolation... #

# Consolation... #

Get out of that then.
(LAUGHS)

# But I don't need you... #

(EFFORT GRUNTS)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Ah, you dickhead.

# Consolation... #

# Consolation... #

Sod off. Sod off, leave me alone.

# Consolation... #

Do you want one?
Go on then.

Do you want one?
Go on then.

Get that down yer.
(FARTS)

Yep!
(SIGHS)

Yep!
(SIGHS)

This is all shite.
That's old.

You can get all this crap
at the Grab N Go.

You can get all this crap
at the Grab N Go.

(SMASH)
Oi. What the fudge, dude?!

You giant turd.
They'll f*cking hear us, man.

Give over, man,
they'll all be well pissed by now.

Give over, man,
they'll all be well pissed by now.

Robbery, dude.

Probably f*cked off
the m*rder mystery

and have just cracked straight on
with the f*cking orgy.

There's no orgy, Jim.

It's f*cking m*rder Mystery night,
dude.

It's f*cking m*rder Mystery night,
dude.

Course there's a f*cking orgy.

Poshos can't keep their todgers
out of other people's wives.

(SOFT, PENSIVE MUSIC)

I don't care anyway.

I don't care anyway.

They're all the same,
these posh houses.

Everything f*cking stinks
of wet wool

and the decor's
all f*cking taxidermy,

and the decor's
all f*cking taxidermy,

and lugers and cushions with pugs on
dressed as f*cking admirals.

Jim, that's your house.
You've just described your house.

Jim, that's your house.
You've just described your house.

I DO NOT have any cushions, Vin.

I'm not a f*cking woman.

Right, f*cking shite!

Oh, bingo. Vinnie!
WHISPERS: f*cking look.

Oh, bingo. Vinnie!
WHISPERS: f*cking look.

Ah.

Give us a leg up, leg up,
hey, come on.

f*ck that. Dude. Dude. Dude.
Just jump on that.

Then push up against the wall.

Then push up against the wall.

On three, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Right then. One, two...
Be careful, that were two!

They're two and a half grand
a f*cking grate.

They're two and a half grand
a f*cking grate.

You just be careful, will yer.

I've got it. I've got one.

It's your arse cheeks,
they're like f*cking pitta breads.

We can f*cking do this
the other way round,

if you want, Vinnie?

I'm sure you'll be
f*cking better off up here.

(LONG NASAL INHALE)

See.

(SLURPS, GULPS)

(SLURPS, GULPS)

I'll raise two thousand.

# THE LIMINANAS: Salvation #

Bingo!

Ah, (CHUCKLES)
I've been waiting up here for ages.

Ah, (CHUCKLES)
I've been waiting up here for ages.

Close the door.

Now, I thought it'd be fun
to make it look really messy.

You know, get some good promo sh*ts
for the socials.

You know, get some good promo sh*ts
for the socials.

It's not real.

I'm gonna film you sh**ting me,
and then we'll squirt

I'm gonna film you sh**ting me,
and then we'll squirt

some oil and grease paint
on the floor.

Put on a show
for that lot downstairs. (LAUGHS)

So... Ready?

Oh, please. Please don't sh**t me.

I have a daughter, you know.

Are you sure it's not loaded, mate?
Cos it is quite heavy, you know.

Are you sure it's not loaded, mate?
Cos it is quite heavy, you know.

Yes. Just, just,
just pull the f*cking trigger.

Oh, no, he's going to sh**t me!

Come on.

Come on.

Oh, well in. f*cking hell.

Fifteen f*cking grand, ey!

Seriously, we've got to get
the f*ck out of here.

Right, we've got to move
from down the Priest hole.

Right, we've got to move
from down the Priest hole.

Can you manage two?
Two?

I could carry f*cking six
if I wanted.

(BOX SCRAPES)

Mind out, that prop there,
d*ck head.

All right.

All right.

I've crawled through more
f*cking tunnels...

No. No. No. No...
(WALL CRUMBLES)

sh*t!
(SCREAMS)

Well done.
I mean, f*ck me, dickhead.

Well done.
I mean, f*ck me, dickhead.

Well, a f*cking stupid place
for a prop.

A f*cking kid
could've cycled into that.

Why would a kid have bike down here,
why would a f*cking kid... Argh!

Why would a kid have bike down here,
why would a f*cking kid... Argh!

..why would a child
have a bike down here.

Dude. f*ck me, man.

Well, I mean,
that's two crates down now, in't it.

You f*cking lemon.
Gonna have to go through the house.

You f*cking lemon.
Gonna have to go through the house.

Stop being such a wet arsehole.
sh**t me, you little prick!

Fine. I will do.
(BANG)

(GLASSES SMASHES)

(GLASSES SMASHES)

(g*n CLATTERS)

# I need salvation

# I need salvation

# But I don't need you... #

# CONNIE FRANCIS: Who's Sorry Now #

# CONNIE FRANCIS: Who's Sorry Now #

# Who's sorry now?
(DISTANT g*n sh*t)

(DISCORDANT SCREAMS)

# Who's sorry now? #
(g*n sh*t)

sh**t me, you little prick!
(ECHOES)

# Whose heart... #

(FRANTIC, DISCORDANT MUSIC)

(FRANTIC, DISCORDANT MUSIC)

JARRING VOICE: Oh, my gosh!

(PIERCING SCREAMS)

DRAWN-OUT VOICE: Oh, my gosh.

DRAWN-OUT VOICE: Oh, my gosh.

(FRANTIC MUSIC CONTINUES)

(MUSIC FADES)

(INDISTINCT MUSIC PLAYS)
(ENGINE PURRS)

(SQUEALS)
You've done all this for me?

Yeah.

Well, you know, if...

if my first born is to be conceived
in the back of a Bedford Rascal...

..I want it to be
a little bit special.

..I want it to be
a little bit special.

# WOLF ALICE:
Don't Delete The Kisses #

Come on.

(THEY CHUCKLE)

WHISPERS: What was that noise?

I am panicking here,
you need to call me asap,

I am panicking here,
you need to call me asap,

I don't know what the f*ck...

Did you hear that?

It sounded like
a f*cking earthquake.

It sounded like
a f*cking earthquake.

I were... upstairs.

What is wrong with you?

You heard from Vinnie?
No.

You heard from Vinnie?
No.

No. I haven't either. f*ck!

Right, you go find the others,
I'll wait in the library.

Right, you go find the others,
I'll wait in the library.

We need to be ready to leave
as soon as they get out.

(FRUSTRATED SIGH)

ECHOING: I have a daughter you know.

ECHOING: Oh, no,
he's going to sh**t me.

(THEY CONVERSE IN FOREIGN DIALOGUE)

What are they saying?

That someone here is a cheat.

It's not you, is it?

It's not you, is it?

Hey, I was told no g*ns.

(PULSING HEARTBEAT)

Gentlemen. If I can remind you...

there's no fire arms at the table.

(SNIGGERS)

(SCOFFS)
f*cking amateur.

(LOUD SNORING)

(LOUD SNORING)

What the f*ck was that noise?
Sorry, the tunnels caved in. No.

Me and Jim are gonna have to go
through the f*cking house, now.

Where's JJ?
He's had a panic att*ck.

Where's JJ?
He's had a panic att*ck.

(PHONE CHIMES)
sh*t!

Turn it on silent.

f*ck, I've had a load
of missed calls from our Dyl.

f*ck, I've had a load
of missed calls from our Dyl.

Answer it. Just answer it.

What's going on?
Vin, help me, dude.

I'm really sorry, dude,
I've f*cked up.

Hey, just f*cking hell,
slow down, man.

Hey, just f*cking hell,
slow down, man.

What's going on?

I'm doing a job for Davey.
What?!

Dude, I know,
it's, it's just a poker night.

It's just a poker night,

It's just a poker night,

I was trying to get some money
for the community centre.

And, and, and, and, dude,
they've got g*ns. They've got g*ns.

If I make a single f*cking mistake,
they're gonna k*ll me.

They're not gonna k*ll you,
Dylan, Jesus Christ.

They're not gonna k*ll you,
Dylan, Jesus Christ.

(KNOCKING)
Friend, open the door.

Come on.
I need to go.

I'll text you the address
in case I don't get out...

Just hang... (TELEPHONE BEEPS)
f*ck me.

Just hang... (TELEPHONE BEEPS)
f*ck me.

What the f*ck is that all about?

What the f*ck have you got him into?

Oi. Hang on a minute.
I haven't got him into f*ck all.

Oi. Hang on a minute.
I haven't got him into f*ck all.

You heard that message,
I don't know what's going on there.

I told you not to f*ck around
with the MacDonagh's.

Not only did you not listen to me,
you f*cking lied to my face.

It's like McCann all over again.
You know, you can f*ck off, now!

It's like McCann all over again.
You know, you can f*ck off, now!

I'm f*cking doing all this sh*t,

I'm doing it for you
and the community centre.

I'm not talking about this,
I'm talking about the MacDonagh's,

I'm not talking about this,
I'm talking about the MacDonagh's,

all the dangerous people,
you f*cking work with.

I don't wanna be involved
with these f*cking dangerous people.

I don't want it either.
I'm doing it for you.

I don't want it either.
I'm doing it for you.

I'm doing it for the g*ng.
What?!

I'm doing it for all of us.
All I ever do is think about you.

All I ever do is try and please you,
keep you here.

And all you ever wanna do,
is f*ck off and leave me.

And all you ever wanna do,
is f*ck off and leave me.

You know,
you left with me little boy.

You didn't tell me where you'd gone.
I was f*cking terrified.

Terrified.

Terrified.

You know, did you really
just f*ck off because of McCann,

or was that just a convenient excuse
to get the f*ck away

from the likes of me?

from the likes of me?

Is that what you really think of me?

No.

No, it's not.

I don't know why I said it.
I'm sorry.

I'm just a f*cking disaster.

I just f*ck...
I f*cking ruin everything.

I just f*ck...
I f*cking ruin everything.

I sometimes wonder...

..if you ever hate me...

..as much as I hate myself?

Hey.

Of course I don't hate yer.

I need yer.

I need yer.

You make me feel safe
when I'm not safe.

And that's why I'm still here.

I f*cking love you.

I f*cking love you.

# ELLIOTT SMITH: Angel In The Snow #

# Don't you know that I love you? #

Uh-uh.
Uh-hm.

No.

We need to get the wine out. OK.
Hmm.

We need to get the wine out. OK.
Hmm.

Give me ten minutes
to find the others

and to get the dead guests
out the library.

OK.
OK.

Oh, my God.
You've got red all over your lips.

Oh, sh*t.
Yeah.

# MOZART: Horn Concerto No.4 #

# MOZART: Horn Concerto No.4 #

Lads. Lads. Lads.

There's a fox out there
in the garden

if you lot want to go out here
and b*at it to death!

Just go out and look at it.

It's lovely, like,
just look at the lovely fox?

It's lovely, like,
just look at the lovely fox?

Yeah. Yeah, I want to see a fox.
(MUMBLING)

Yeah, it's massive.
It's the size of like...

it's like a, a Mini.

it's like a, a Mini.

You lot, get in there.

Ash.

Ash.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES)

Ah, a secret book door!
Yes. Go. Go. Go on.

Where the f*ck is Tommo?

No idea. Come on,
are we getting out of here, or what?

Come on. Quick. Quick. Quick. Quick.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES)

(TELEPHONE DIGITS CLICK)

Get me the police.

(SMASH)
Oh, goodness me, I'm so sorry...

Here! Here! Here!
Hey, dickhead.

What the f*ck is that smell?
It's f*cking wet wool, I told yer.

(DOOR CREAKS)

(DOOR CLUNKS)

Tommo?

Tommo?

I k*lled him. I k*lled him. I...

Come here. Ssh, ssh.

Come here. Ssh, ssh.

Quick!

(SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Just admit you've rigged the game
and I'll let you go.

Just admit you've rigged the game
and I'll let you go.

What do you mean, let me go?

You've been f*cking us all night.

No. f*ck. Woah.
What the f*ck is that?

No. f*ck. Woah.
What the f*ck is that?

Dude, I haven't.
Nah, I don't think he has, Foz.

Stop the game.
Everyone gets their money back.

(CLATTER)

You do that,
I'll throw you off the balcony.

All money returned.
Tonight never happened.

All money returned.
Tonight never happened.

(g*n COCKS)

I'm no cheat, dude.
Nothing has been rigged.

You've just had a sh*t night.

You've just had a sh*t night.

(SINISTER TONE BUILDS)
Argh!

That's me out.

That's me out.

You kept up with us, no problem.

Some blokes find us a bit much.
(LAUGHS)

Some blokes find us a bit much.
(LAUGHS)

I'll let Davy know
you're up for the next one.

(GLASSES CLINK)

Sound.

Sound.

"Dylan, are you OK?"

There's no reception, man.
The f*ck...

(DOOR BANGS)
ALL: Ssh!

(DOOR BANGS)
ALL: Ssh!

Don't slam it like that, dude.
f*cking hell.

I've k*lled a man.
Have you, bloody hell.

Vinnie.

Vinnie, I've... I've k*lled a man.

I have k*lled Mr King.
Ah, you're the m*rder*r then, Tommo?

I have k*lled Mr King.
Ah, you're the m*rder*r then, Tommo?

Yes. I have m*rder*d...
No, you haven't.

..a human man.

Right, I have crossed a boundary,
which cannot be uncrossed.

Right, I have crossed a boundary,
which cannot be uncrossed.

Dial it down a bit, Tommo.

I mean, it's not like
you really k*lled him, is it.

Cheers, mate.
No f*cking reception here.

Stop being a slag. Oi. Look at me!

Stop being a slag. Oi. Look at me!

Stop being a tart.
I f*cking have k*lled him.

But you didn't k*ll him, did you?!
I f*cking did.

Why am I covered in blood then,
hey, Vinnie?

Vinnie, why am I cover...

Vinnie, why am I cover...

Oh, my God, it's real blood.
It is, Vin.

It's not real.

You know, you, what have you
been on, you tonight?

A bit of coke.
Right.

A bit of coke.
Right.

Little bit of ketamine.
Tiny bit of mescaline.

For f*ck sake.
That's three f*cking...

Three f*cking things.
You tripled yourself.

Tripled yourself
and then you tripping bollocks

Tripled yourself
and then you tripping bollocks

in a f*cking stately home.
It's like the woods all over again.

You've gone too far.
It's a bad trip.

I'm having a bad trip.
Yes.

I'm having a bad trip.
Yes.

You're having a bad trip, Tom.
It's a bad trip, Tom.

It's just a bad...
(FRANTIC LAUGHTER)

You're all right.
It's a f*cking bad trip.

You're all right.
It's a f*cking bad trip.

(MUFFLED CHATTER)

I'm having a bad trip. Yeah.
(LAUGHS FRANTICALLY)

ALL: Ssh!
(GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)

ALL: Ssh!
(GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)

I don't know if I am having a...
Shut up.

Shut up. You are. Shut the f*ck up.
Listen.

You three, f*ck off in...
You're staying here.

You three, f*ck off in...
You're staying here.

Just come on.

I can't carry them.
My back's f*cked, Vin.

Why couldn't you have just
stayed at home watching wild geese?

Cos I...
I swear to f*cking God!

Cos I...
I swear to f*cking God!

# WOLF ALICE: Space And Time #

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Yah!

(HE GROWLS)

(IMPERSONATES MARTIAL ARTISTS)

(IMPERSONATES MARTIAL ARTISTS)

(JIM MUMBLES)

(IMPACT THUD)
Ow!

c**t. Oh...

Aargh, me f*cking back!
(GROANS)

JJ. Open up.

Two minutes.

Two minutes.

f*cking hell.

Hey. f*cking pigs. f*cking leg it!

Ah, me f*cking back. Jesus Christ.
(SIRENS WAIL)

Ah, me f*cking back. Jesus Christ.
(SIRENS WAIL)

(LOUD PLEASURED MOANING)

Are they for us?

Oh, f*ck me.
Alright?

Oh, f*ck me.
Alright?

Don't panic.

I'm just gonna tell ya,
just gonna say it out loud.

The police are here.
It's the police... Ssh, ssh, ssh!

The police are here.
It's the police... Ssh, ssh, ssh!

Stop it!

(WHIMPERS)
Oh, thank God you're here.

I didn't say anything to the guests
in case they tried to run, but...

I didn't say anything to the guests
in case they tried to run, but...

I think something terrible
has happened to my husband.

Your husband?
Yes.

Your husband?
Yes.

Were you one of the topless
milk maids at daddy's eightieth?

We're here about the wine.

Mrs King. We're here about the...
What the?

Mrs King. We're here about the...
What the?

We're here because there's been...

..a m*rder!

..a m*rder!

Do you think you k*lled a man?
(THEY SCUFFLE)

No. No. Tom. Tom. Tom.
Ah...

It were me, but it were an accident.

You took the wine?
I m*rder*d her husband!

You took the wine?
I m*rder*d her husband!

(GASPS)
I m*rder*d her f*cking husband.

No, he didn't. Hold on...
Control.

We have a suspected homicide,
request back up.

We have a suspected homicide,
request back up.

I'm f*cked in the head.

Ta da! Ah ha-ha!

(SCREAMS)
I fooled you all.

(SCREAMS)
I fooled you all.

See? He's fine. No homicide.

Where have you been all evening?

I smashed my coccyx
going out that window,

I smashed my coccyx
going out that window,

because Kurt forgot
to set the f*cking crash mat.

Yes, you all thought I was dead,

but I am in fact... alive.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

but I am in fact... alive.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Well, hang on.
Did, did no one think I was dead?

WEAKLY: I did very much
think you here dead.

WEAKLY: I did very much
think you here dead.

This has completely ruined
my whole f*cking evening.

Do you have any idea
of the prep I put in,

to make that death
look convincing?

And you philistines turn up here
in your cheap suits

And you philistines turn up here
in your cheap suits

and you piss all over it.

Well, you can all f*ck off,
go on f*ck off, f*ck off, f*ck off.

Well, you can all f*ck off,
go on f*ck off, f*ck off, f*ck off.

Everyone. Party's over.
But what about the wine?

Well, if these lovely people
want us to f*ck off,

off we shall f*ck.

Control, can you cancel that,
please.

I'gotta go back. I've gotta go back.
No, Vinnie.

Sweetheart, I've got to do it.
Vinnie, please.

I'll come back, I'll come back,
I'll come back.

I'll come back, I'll come back,
I'll come back.

# Sharon Jones
How Long Do I Have To Wait For You #

# How long
Do I have to wait for you, honey

# Before a girl like me can move on

# Before a girl like me can move on

# Ooh, baby, tell me how long

# Do I have to wait for you, honey

# Before... #
(MUSIC STOPS)

What the f*ck?
sh*t.

You f*cking ponce.

Perfume ponce.

# WHENYOUNG: The Others #

# WHENYOUNG: The Others #

# Oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh... #

(GIGGLING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Oh!
Fun party?

# Get all the boys, go dancing

# Get all the boys, go dancing

# Jumbled in the urban heat

# Safety in the darkness

# Safety in the darkness

# Oh-oh-oh

# Just around the corner

# Just around the corner

# That's a different story

# They're the salt of the earth

# Show your poor mouth
Forget about it, drink up... #

# Show your poor mouth
Forget about it, drink up... #

TRILLS: Christopher.

You're joking.

f*ck me.

You didn't!?
I f*cking did. Check it out, man.

(EXHALES ENTHUSIASTICALLY)

God, I can't wait to see his face
when he sees this lot gone.

God, I can't wait to see his face
when he sees this lot gone.

Where's the rest of it?
Don't ask. f*cking hell.

Do, do you still want it?
Yeah!

Do, do you still want it?
Yeah!

I've got Melissa coming round
tonight.

Melissa? What happened
to thingy-majig's daughter?

Oh, no. Fizzled out.

She used to like to lie
stock still whenever we made love.

She used to like to lie
stock still whenever we made love.

It was a bit weird,
it was like she was dead. Uh.

Do you know what this is?
No.

So, it's five grand, yeah?
Yeah.

So, it's five grand, yeah?
Yeah.

Oi. Oi, look at him.
Chequely McChequeson.

Are you f*cking mad?
I'm not the postal service.

Are you f*cking mad?
I'm not the postal service.

I'm a criminal.
It has to be cash in hand. Turnip!

Alright,
I'll give you five for these two.

Give you another grand for this.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)

A grand?!

# ETTA JAMES: I Got You Babe #

# ETTA JAMES: I Got You Babe #

Erin?
(DOOR CLOSES)

Erin?

Hi.

How much did you get?

Five grand.
(CHUCKLES)

(GASPS)
Oh, my God.

I mean, we would've got more,
but Jim was an arsehole.

I mean, we would've got more,
but Jim was an arsehole.

(CHUCKLES)
Vin!

Oh, my god.
That's amazing, thank you.

You're welcome.
Thank you.

I got you a present.

Why?
I'm just sorry, that's all.

What for?

Just... saying them things.

I didn't mean it.
I know.

(LAUGHS)
Oh, my God.

It's f*cking old.
That is amazing. Thank you.

It's f*cking old.
That is amazing. Thank you.

No way.
Shall we drink it?

Now?
Yeah.

Go and put that dress back on.
It's made me randy.

Go and put that dress back on.
It's made me randy.

Randy?!

# ETTA JAMES: I Got You Babe #

Me and the lads have had
a bit of business in the woods.

Me and the lads have had
a bit of business in the woods.

We're looking for someone.

I'm at a rave, Vin.

She just turned up in your shed
like ET did at Elliot's gaff?

Bizarre.
(ASH HEAVES)

Bizarre.
(ASH HEAVES)

Oh, God. It's awful high,
this is basically space.

Ta-dah!

I don't know.
(WIRE FIZZES)

Ooh.
(VIN STUTTERS)

Fuckwit.

Look normal.

Where is she?
Huh?