04x02 - Day at the Dogs

[bunniefuu]

f*cking hell, lift it your end.
I am lifting my end, Erin.

f*cking hell, lift it your end.
I am lifting my end, Erin.

Well lift it higher, Tommo.

We're different heights,
aren't we Erin!

So obviously it's gonna slant down

on account of my being...
diminutive.

on account of my being...
diminutive.

Diminutive?

Yes Erin, yeah, it means short.
I'm expanding my vocabulary.

I learn five new words, every day,
it's all part of my personal

I learn five new words, every day,
it's all part of my personal

embetterment programme.
Oh yeah.

What have you learnt today then?
Well er, let me see.

Malevolent, Jingoistic and
Stoicism.

Malevolent, Jingoistic and
Stoicism.

Oh that's gonna come in handy in
your mobile sex dungeon innit?

Hey sweetheart. Sweetheart.

It is an erotic parlour, right,
and if you hadn't got into bed,

It is an erotic parlour, right,
and if you hadn't got into bed,

figuratively with Terence McCann,

then we'd still be running this
f*cking place

instead of selling off all our
assets to Chinese f*cking Dan.

Right oh. Are we ready to rock
the cazbar 'ere of what?

Right oh. Are we ready to rock
the cazbar 'ere of what?

Hey, what's, what's up?

Tommo, he's being capricious.
Yeah. Look it up.

Tommo, he's being capricious.
Yeah. Look it up.

♪ Money - Barrett Strong ♪
♪ The best things in life are free

♪ But you can give them to
the birds and bees

♪ But you can give them to
the birds and bees

♪ I need money

♪ That's what I want
♪

It's unloved, it's tatty,
where'd you lifted it from -

Yates Wine Lodge?

We've not lifted it from anywhere
- it's from our club this -

We've not lifted it from anywhere
- it's from our club this -

The Rat and Cutter.
I've been there before.

Have you Calvin? What a surprise.

Thought I might have seen you there.

In't that a crying shame...
It was McCann,

In't that a crying shame...
It was McCann,

he was the one who funded
the licensing and the lease

on the bloody thing.
Now he's banged up,

and the council are saying they
won't renew the f*cking contract.

What did they say it was...
Magnet for crime. And debauchery.

What did they say it was...
Magnet for crime. And debauchery.

Whose is this van?
M-mine, why?

Are you a dog walker?
Yeah. It's my new business.

How much do you charge?
Well it's er, by the hour,

How much do you charge?
Well it's er, by the hour,

unless it's all day,
then it's a day rate.

What are you even f*cking asking?

Honestly I've been here
a thousand times,

Honestly I've been here
a thousand times,

not once have I seen a bloody dog.

Well that's where you're wrong.
Calvin, fetch the mutt.

Oi!

Say hello to - Arson Fire.
♪ Money - Pink Floyd ♪

The worst investment
I have ever made.

How long have you had him for?
Got involved in a syndicate -

How long have you had him for?
Got involved in a syndicate -

group of blokes said he was
a money making machine.

'Won a couple of races.'

'Won a couple of races.'

I think I have a winner.

And then one day,
for no apparent reason,

the stupid dog stopped trying.

Nooooooo!!!

We tried everything,

even the elastic band round
the balls thing, but...

even the elastic band round
the balls thing, but...

I've done that.
..just weren't interested.

I wanted to take it down to
the knackers yard, but my wife,

she just weren't having it.

Hang the f*ck on.

Hang the f*ck on.

Wife? What do you mean wife?
You've got a wife?

Course I've got a wife.
Chantara. She's Thai.

Course I've got a wife.
Chantara. She's Thai.

And you can pull that look off your
face, as well, I didn't buy her -

I met her in a spud-u-like
in Northampton.

What were you having?
Cottage cheese and chives.

What were you having?
Cottage cheese and chives.

Honestly a bit of a dark horse,
really deep down aren't ya.

Wives and dogs.
Go on, what did she say?

She said I had to keep
the stupid mutt.

She said I had to keep
the stupid mutt.

Oh he's a gorgeous dog.
Do you want it?

What? To keep?
On a long term loan.

Just the worlds worst man.

Look he's a f*cking dog walker,
in't he.

Look he's a f*cking dog walker,
in't he.

Either give him
the f*cking dog, or don't.

That's a thorough bred greyhound.
I don't give a sh*t what it is.

It's given up, bless it.

It's given up, bless it.

Alright.

You take the stupid dog and
I'll buy all your crappy club gear.

Right, listen!

I don't want you taking
the f*cking piss on this gear.

I don't want you taking
the f*cking piss on this gear.

I want some decent dollar for that.

That hurts Vincent,
just name your price son.

Ten grand.

I'll give you five and that's me
going out on a limb.

I'll give you five and that's me
going out on a limb.

f*ck.

You're joking me,
where's it going to live?

With us. In the flat?
Are you f*cking serious.

With us. In the flat?
Are you f*cking serious.

Is it not bad enough with the pigeon
and all the pigeon paraphernalia,

now we have a greyhound.
They're stinking, Cardi -

they have bad breath
and weeping glands.

they have bad breath
and weeping glands.

I'm not sticking my finger up his
hole to unblocked the glands.

Eugh. f*cking visuals on that.
Look at this.

Look what's happening here,
a connection.

Look what's happening here,
a connection.

He f*cking loves the dog.

The dog seems to like him.
They're having fun.

I reckon that dog'll still race,
if you wanted it to.

How do you mean?
Look at it.

How do you mean?
Look at it.

It's still young and like Dan said,
it used to win.

But then crucially it stopped.

It's all about
how you train them, right.

It's all about
how you train them, right.

Listen, I know you all think our
Ronnie is a knobhead.

Absolutely.
Oh, f*ck me.

I agree, BUT he trained
greyhounds down at the track

I agree, BUT he trained
greyhounds down at the track

with a guy called, Wayne Carr.

What?

Wayne Carr. w*nk*r.

Wayne Carr. w*nk*r.

Nope, nothing like it.
Wayne Carr. w*nk*r

Give over.
That's good.

It's no Ben Dover is it?

Hmm exactly. I used to know
a bloke called Warren Peace.

Hmm exactly. I used to know
a bloke called Warren Peace.

- My next door neighbour Ray Cyst.
- I mean there you go.

Hang on a minute. Just stop, stop
with the inappropriate names,

just for a minute. Do you think that
little bugger still got legs, then?

just for a minute. Do you think that
little bugger still got legs, then?

Get a winning dog, win thousands.

Yeah, I'm not sure I want him racing
Vin, you know he's my pet now

and he is- He's a shagging
greyhound, is what he is.

and he is- He's a shagging
greyhound, is what he is.

f*ck they love to race Cardi.

Can you get hold of this Wayne Carr.

Oh f*ck.

Don't see why not, he works at
the track as a groundsman,

Don't see why not, he works at
the track as a groundsman,

but I must to warn you, he's a bit
of a weirdo, he calls himself

the dog whisperer.

This dog's a beauty.

What you calling him?
Martin. Arson Fire.

Dude, you can't call him Martin.
Why not?

Because it doesn't sound fast,

it sounds like a f*cking accountants
name. It does, yeah.

it sounds like a f*cking accountants
name. It does, yeah.

I mean obviously he's a strong dog
and that - but I'm just guessing

he hasn't raced in a while.
That's right.

He where alright at first.
Mmm. Mmm.

He where alright at first.
Mmm. Mmm.

Yeah. Yeah. Mmm.
Mmm. Yeah he was-

He was fast at- he was winning races
and then he was just f*cking...

He was fast at- he was winning races
and then he was just f*cking...

Mmm.

He lost interest. f*ck it whatever.

That was with his old owner though -
we want to bring him back

- to his former glory.
- Mmm.

- to his former glory.
- Mmm.

What do you reckon?
Reckon?

Yeah. Like... do what you did
with our Ronnie?

How do you mean?
The whispering thing? Whispering...

How do you mean?
The whispering thing? Whispering...

No, no, no, Erin no, no, no, no.

- That's all in the past now.
- That's strictly verboten.

Means frowned upon.

It is, it's frowned upon
in the racing community.

It is, it's frowned upon
in the racing community.

Say's it gives like an unfair
advantage, it's like mmm.

It's like mmm, it's like magic.

Surely we can tempt you.
Eh?

Jesus Christ.
How much do you want, sweetheart?

It's not about money is it?

It's about morality,
honour and all that. Fifty quid.

Hundred. I thought it wasn't
a question of money.

Hundred. I thought it wasn't
a question of money.

It isn't. Hundred quid to whisper
in a dog's ear, yeah?

We had some big success,
back in the day, me and Ronnie.

Mmm. Big success...

Mmm. Big success...

..before he bound me
in the back of his Austin Maxi

and stole all the winnings.

Come on. Come on.

Here.

And off he goes. To have a conflab
with a f*cking dog.

And off he goes. To have a conflab
with a f*cking dog.

Done it?
Oh yeah, he understands.

So... it'll race now?
No. No. No.

You still need
to train it and that.

You still need
to train it and that.

Just fashion a hare out of his old
clothes, And just get him to drag

it really fast, get him to chase
it- where's my money? Money?

Hundred quid yeah?
D'you wanna check it?

Hundred quid yeah?
D'you wanna check it?

Cheers. No I'm alright. Hey.

You alright, Carol?

You alright, Carol?

I thought we agreed
on the way back from Wales

that you wouldn't be getting
involvement in any of my silly
schemes any more.

Vin, it's dog training, it's not
exactly McCann territory is it.

Vin, it's dog training, it's not
exactly McCann territory is it.

I know but you had a thing,
didn't ya?

Epiphany?
Epiphany.

Right well, the plan's are in place.
Shall I show you?

Right well, the plan's are in place.
Shall I show you?

Me and our Ronnie used to come here,
when we were little.

This place really means a lot to me,
but it's struggling.

This place really means a lot to me,
but it's struggling.

You know, I've offered to help,
but it's the funding.

They need better facilities,
and well better everything really.

They need better facilities,
and well better everything really.

Look at it.

Christ, that game is shite, innit?!
I'll help you though.

Christ, that game is shite, innit?!
I'll help you though.

Not if it means you getting
involved, with those scary men.

No I won't-
Anything like that.

Don't worry about me. I promise.
I promise I'll..

Don't worry about me. I promise.
I promise I'll..

Thank you.

Don't run away with Tyler again,
Erin.

Don't run away with Tyler again,
Erin.

I thought you were gone for good,
you know.

I know, I'm sorry.

I know, I'm sorry.

What do you think?
What's happened to leg there.

Do you know what I mean,
is he even gonna chase that?

He seems to like it -
he's been sniffing at it. You know.

He seems to like it -
he's been sniffing at it. You know.

That's 'cause you never washed it.

Well, there's only one
way to find out.

Now Vinnie, we want to make sure
that were far enough away,

Now Vinnie, we want to make sure
that were far enough away,

before you let go of Arson Fire.
Martin.

Don't call him Martin, dude.
He sounds like a librarian.

You ready?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you ready!

Yeah. Yeah.
OK, let's go.

f*cking hell.
Oh my God!

How fast?
Forty, forty two...

He is incredible.
How quick where that?

He is incredible.
How quick where that?



The hare only does 50 on the track.

You've got yourself a winner,
there Cardi.

You've got yourself a winner,
there Cardi.

Where's he gone?
What?

He was just there,
but he's dis- disappeared.

Vin, did you see where he went? No,
but he can't have gone far, love.

Vin, did you see where he went? No,
but he can't have gone far, love.

Maybe he's gone for a poo.
Why would he hide?

Maybe he's shy for pooing,
like Vinnie.

Arson Fire.
Arson Fire.

Martin.

There he is.

What's he got in his mouth?

sh*t.

f*ck!
That's not good.

Will you hurry up
you bell end.

I need to bury this dickhead.
Who is it?

f*cking Sheila.
Aww. Poor Sheila man.

f*cking Sheila.
Aww. Poor Sheila man.

Oh listen, I need a big favour.

Oh what now? It's always favours
with you isn't it.

Oh what now? It's always favours
with you isn't it.

Never a social call, never:
'Gary, do you fancy a beer?

Or a nice Chicken Tikka Masala.'

No, it's meet me in your hearse,
clandestine,

No, it's meet me in your hearse,
clandestine,

like we're cold w*r f*cking spies.

I never said to meet
in the f*cking hearse.

It's my vehicle.
It's for funerals.

I've been on holiday in this thing.
What do you f*cking want?

I've been on holiday in this thing.
What do you f*cking want?

Here. Christ, you're bad tempered.

Prawn cocktail crisps. By the way,
I heard Babs got married again.

She did actually, nice do.

But it's not prawn
cocktail crisps man.

But it's not prawn
cocktail crisps man.

Oh what is it then?

It's a human foot.
Ah? Yeah.

I mean we found it.

I mean we found it.

Nothing to do with us - we just
found the f*cking thing.

The dog found it, you know.
That's severed.

Well yeah, yeah it's severed cause
it'd have to be wouldn't it,

Well yeah, yeah it's severed cause
it'd have to be wouldn't it,

otherwise it'd still be attached
to his shagging leg you pillock.

I'm assuming it's a him.
Is it a lad?

Yeah, it's male alright.

Oh. It's not fresh.

Oh. It's not fresh.

Oh. Nowhere near.
It's barely decomposed, though.

Where did you find it?

Edge of one of Jim and
Shirley's fields.

Just in this rocky, waste land.
Mmm. So you naturally you thought,

Just in this rocky, waste land.
Mmm. So you naturally you thought,

who do I know that deals in dead
bodies - Gary -

I'll go and burden him with it.

I'll go and burden him with it.

Yeah. 'Cos you have a furnace.
In fairness.

Furnace?!
Yes.

Is that all I am to you?
The fire man?

That's what my mammy calls me,
they sing burn baby burn every time

That's what my mammy calls me,
they sing burn baby burn every time

I go home for Christmas.
And that's fine, if they're more

interested in their G
son's professional achievements,

that's their prerogative, because
I don't need their f*cking praise

that's their prerogative, because
I don't need their f*cking praise

or their affirmation,
but just once in a while

to tell me that I've done
something good in me life.

Maybe they'd say congratulations
Gary, you've done very well.
Gary! GARY!! Shut up.

Maybe they'd say congratulations
Gary, you've done very well.
Gary! GARY!! Shut up.

f*cking hell, shouting your head off
at a human foot

in a f*cking prawn cocktail box
just chill.

Will you burn it for me please?

Will you burn it for me please?

Yes.
See, thanks man.

Now f*ck off.

Next time you call, you'd better not
be asking for something.

Please may I have a lift.
Get the f*ck out.

It's only ten minutes. Remove your
f*cking body from the car.

I'm removing it.
No more favours glow worm.

I'm removing it.
No more favours glow worm.

Dude. I'm worried about him.

Don't listen.
Don't be worrying about him.

There's no pressure today,
we're just giving him a run out,

There's no pressure today,
we're just giving him a run out,

gonna see how he gets on.
Right what we saying?

Is he worth a flutter or what?
What did I just f*cking say then?

We're giving him a run off,
we're just seeing how he does.

We're giving him a run off,
we're just seeing how he does.

Don't put any money on that f*cking
dog. He's a f*cking dog, Vincent.

He isn't gonna know if I'm
making a bet or not, is he?

That's what I am saying. Hang on.

I went to the dogs loads when I was
young, I'd always bet on the ones

I went to the dogs loads when I was
young, I'd always bet on the ones

with funny names.
Oh yeah. Like what?

Like erm, Winnie the Pooch.
Grouchio Barks.

Catherine Zeta Bones.

Cardi, why have you
brought Nigel with you?

Because he's my lucky charm and
I don't want him getting jealous

Because he's my lucky charm and
I don't want him getting jealous

Martin.
Welcome to my world.

I hope the stupid dog wins,
he didn't sleep a wink last night

I hope the stupid dog wins,
he didn't sleep a wink last night

- tossing and turning he was -
had to give him hand relief

to help him go to sleep.
Just wanked him off, the dog.

Outside lane...

Outside lane...

Hey statistically lane six is 30%
less likely to produce a winner

than other lanes.
You're honestly so clever dude.

I mean statistically can you
just shut the f*ck up.

I mean statistically can you
just shut the f*ck up.

There's a lot riding on this sh*t.
♪ The Chain - Fleetwood Mac ♪

Here we go. Here we go.

Oh no man.

f*cking hell.

f*cking hell.

I told him not feed it mackerel.

I told you we shouldn't race
him. He's too sensitive.

I told you we shouldn't race
him. He's too sensitive.

I see a lot of myself
inside this dog.

Sorry.

Chinese Dan said he made him
a bloody fortune.

So all we have to do is figure out
what's wrong with the poor

So all we have to do is figure out
what's wrong with the poor

little thing.
Maybe he's got stage fright.

It's a f*cking dog, Dylan.

It's not performing Hamlet
at the f*cking RAC.

Although to be fair, that is
something I would definitely

Although to be fair, that is
something I would definitely

pay to watch, dog Hamlet.

Is this a dog bone I see before me?
That's Macbeth.

f*ck off Erin, Hamlet, MacBeth,

it's all f*cking unwatchable shite
in't it.

it's all f*cking unwatchable shite
in't it.

Look, I think we should just all
forget all about it,

Dan gave me the dog and I don't
want him running.

Cardi, you giving up
at the first hurdle man.

Cardi, you giving up
at the first hurdle man.

Wait, wait, wait, I've got
a thought. You know Wayne Carr.

It's pronounced Wayneker.
I swear to f*cking God.

He said make the hare out of Cardi's
clothes 'cos and he'll chase it.

He said make the hare out of Cardi's
clothes 'cos and he'll chase it.

He did.
Oh you think-

He's running for Cardi?
Exactly! Worth investigating.

He does smell fierce bad to be fair.

He does smell fierce bad to be fair.

f*ck off!

f*cking hell,
who invited the Kray twins!

What are the MacDonagh's doing here?

Barry, Davey how's it going?

Vincent.

Other people.

You seem to be avoiding my calls.

You seem to be avoiding my calls.

No, f*cking hell.

Yeah I've just been really busy,
got into the er, greyhound game.

Bit of a f*cking nightmare...

Bit of a f*cking nightmare...

I used to have a dog once.

Lovely little thing it was,
then one day it nipped at me.

Lovely little thing it was,
then one day it nipped at me.

It never nipped at me again.

What, you give it away?
No, Barry k*lled it.

Oh f*cking hell.

Oh f*cking hell.

What's his name?
Martin.

Arson Fire.
Martin!

It's not Martin dude.
Martin?

Sounds like the treasurer
of a ramblers association.

Sounds like the treasurer
of a ramblers association.

We've still got to have our
little chat, Vincent.

Here's where I'd like you to come.

Oi. Tomorrow. 12:30.

Oi. Tomorrow. 12:30.

Bring a towel.

Oh f*ck!
f*cking Shamrock Sauna.

Yeah I know it well. I'll join ya.
Absolutely not!

Yeah I know it well. I'll join ya.
Absolutely not!

Vin?
Yeah. Vin.

Please tell me you're not getting
involved with the MacDonagh's.

Please tell me you're not getting
involved with the MacDonagh's.

I'm not getting involved
with the MacDonagh's. sh*t!

Because that'd be really f*cking
stupid, wouldn't it?

I mean you just get rid of McCann
and then you get involved

with them lunatics. I know,
they're not as bad as McCann.

with them lunatics. I know,
they're not as bad as McCann.

They are.
I mean Barry's a f*cking headcase.

But you can talk to Davey - I just
need to get me bloody weed back,

do you know what I mean.
Listen. Honestly,

do you know what I mean.
Listen. Honestly,

I ain't getting involved.

Towels off.

As you wish.

And those are?
It's my swimming trunks.

I can see that,
but why aren't you al fresco?

I can see that,
but why aren't you al fresco?

That means outdoor dining. So...

I've not done er al fresco,
it's only I'm nervous about

getting me hog out.

I've never been to a meeting where
everyone's...

It's just f*cking weird.

Fine - to business.
McCann's out of the picture.

Fine - to business.
McCann's out of the picture.

Which means between us,
we rule the area, agreed?

So why fight? When we can join
forces and prosper.

So why fight? When we can join
forces and prosper.

Meaning? Meaning...

..we will give you your weed back,
every last leaf,

but then we share resources,
share profits.

but then we share resources,
share profits.

OK. Thanks for inviting us down.

OK. Thanks for inviting us down.

The answers a no.
I'm really sorry.

So this is you now is it?

So this is you now is it?

That ridiculous haircut,
training hounds...

We might win some money out of that
little bugger just yet, you know.

He might bring us a load of
second hand body parts?

He might bring us a load of
second hand body parts?

Really? No.
What does that mean?

He's just f*cking doped ignore him.

It's a in house joke.
Forget about it.

It's a in house joke.
Forget about it.

I can't just forget about it,
it's hanging there now,

like half an anecdote.

Alright we- we were out on the field
training the bloody dog.

Alright we- we were out on the field
training the bloody dog.

Lost it. Come back with
a human foot.

Human foot.

Where was this?
Hang on. Hang on.

Where was this?
Hang on. Hang on.

Do you know who's it is?
Where's this foot now?

What the bloody
hell have you two being up to?

Where is it?
I've got rid of it, it's gone.

Where is it?
I've got rid of it, it's gone.

Get it back.
What?

We can't have that falling into
the wrong hands, now can we?

No.

Why is there a human foot
in a field?

Why is there a human foot
in a field?

Long story, Vincent.
Just get me that foot.

And when you bring it back, you can
give me your answer on the deal.

And when you bring it back, you can
give me your answer on the deal.

No. I've...

I've given you the answer.
I've called it right now,

I'm sorry it's a no.

I'm sorry it's a no.

Very flattered though.

Okey dokey.

Oh f*cking f*cking hell.
What?

You know what that means don't ya.
When Davey says okey dokey.

You know what that means don't ya.
When Davey says okey dokey.

No.

Ask Jackie No Nose, mate.

When Davey says okey dokey,

it means very much
the f*cking opposite.

it means very much
the f*cking opposite.

Put your penis away, dude.
I won't.

Put your penis away, dude.
I won't.

Look at it, Vincent.
Look him in the eye.

Look. Hey, hey, hey dude.

What do you want?

Gary, Gary love,
tell me you've still got the foot.

The one you specifically
asked me to destroy.

The one you specifically
asked me to destroy.

That's the one yeah.
No, it's in my walk in freezer.

Thank f*ck for that, listen Gary,
I'm gonna need that back.

Thank f*ck for that, listen Gary,
I'm gonna need that back.

What did I tell you last
time we spoke?

Not... Not to ask for things.

Exactly! You gave me the foot,
it's mine,

f*ck off auf wiedersehen,
au revoir, Slan Leat.

f*ck off auf wiedersehen,
au revoir, Slan Leat.

Gary just hang on a minute.

You've got enough weird f*cking
body parts in your dungeon.

Haven't ya, eh? Yeah, so I'm coming
down for that bloody foot.

Haven't ya, eh? Yeah, so I'm coming
down for that bloody foot.

Have it ready, I'll be down
there as soon as I can. Alright?

Well good luck, with that because
I'm off to a Satanic wedding

in Cirencester.
A Satanic... It's not a thing that.

in Cirencester.
A Satanic... It's not a thing that.

You f*cking fucker.

sh*t!

sh*t!

Right problem.

So let's just assume that he'll
only run for Cardi's scent, yeah?

That means we can't get him
to win on the track,

That means we can't get him
to win on the track,

unless the rabbit being chased-
Hare.

Hare! Is that rabbit there.

Well no, because that's gonna happen
is it, they use a mechanical hare.

Well no, because that's gonna happen
is it, they use a mechanical hare.

Unless, we put my hare inside
the mechanical hare.

And how you gonna do that?

Wayne Carr.

The w*nk*r.

I'm not happy about this, Carol.
Oh for God Sake, Cardi,

I'm doing this for your stupid dog.
Just listen to me for second.

It's posh this race you know,
tomorrow. It's a big deal.

It's posh this race you know,
tomorrow. It's a big deal.

Alright now if we can get your
Martin to follow your f*cking scent,

we could be quids in.
Christ on a bike.

Listen get Wayne pissed,
and get them f*cking keys,

Listen get Wayne pissed,
and get them f*cking keys,

alright, if anything kicks off,
text our Ashley, he'll be outside.

Game on.

Game on.

Listen, you lot stay here,
me and dickhead are gonna go and try

and steal that foot from
f*cking Gary's, come on.

and steal that foot from
f*cking Gary's, come on.

See you on the flip side.
Yeah. Good luck.

This f*cking door does my head in.
Come on.

♪ sh*ts - LMFAO Feat. Lil Jon ♪

♪ sh*ts - LMFAO Feat. Lil Jon ♪

♪ If you're tryin' to f*ck,
get your hands in the air

♪ I said I'm f*cked up

♪ I said I'm f*cked up

♪ I'm f*cked up

♪ I'm tryin' to f*ck

♪ sh*ts...

The f*ck's that?
Oh Christ it's Jim.

The f*ck's that?
Oh Christ it's Jim.

What's he f*cking doing.
f*ck off.

Smashed out of his head.

Here f*ck off.
f*ck off, you wankers.

Here f*ck off.
f*ck off, you wankers.

Jimbo. Put your starfish away, dude.

Vinnie?
Yes. Get out the road.

Vinnie?
Yes. Get out the road.

Tommo f*cking hell.

Let us in you c**ts.

What you done to your f*cking head.

I fell into the bushes.

I fell into the bushes.

How much you had to drink, you?

I'm celebrating. It's my birthday.

He's still alive.

He's still alive.

Happy birthday, you been out
with mates then, no?

No, on me own.

Where you two going,
at this time of night, anyway?

Well as it happens Jim,

we are on our way to break
into an undertakers.

d*ck head. Just f*cking.
What you tell him that for?

d*ck head. Just f*cking.
What you tell him that for?

It's his f*cking birthday, in it.
What you nicking, a stiff?

Shut up you f*cking wittering
old twat.

Get in the f*cking van.
You're going home.

Hey. Hey. I could be your f*cking
No! You f*cking knob end.

Hey. Hey. I could be your f*cking
No! You f*cking knob end.

I f*cking be in your car.
You need me.

You're going home.
You f*cking know you do.

It's a firm no!

Go! Go! Go!

How's it going, Wayne isn't it.?

How's it going, Wayne isn't it.?

Dog training woman?

Carol. Fancy meeting you here.

You er, you on your own?

You er, you on your own?

Well I was meant to be meeting me
friend but she hasn't arrived.

Right, right...

Well, have a great night.

You can er, join me if you like.

Oh, I sure don't want
to be any bother.

Your no bother.

Your no bother.

Two more pints please mate.
Do you want a drink?

I'll have a white wine spritzer,
please. Two pints is it?

Big thirsty boy.

Big thirsty boy.

Oh, no, they're not both for me
- I'm with the wife.

Oi. Oi. Oi. Shut up - listen.

Stay there sing yourself happy
birthday or something,

Stay there sing yourself happy
birthday or something,

we'll be in and out.
I wanna come with you.

Why?
You don't!

I wanna see a f*cking dead body.

Jesus f*cking Christ
he's disgusting.

Jesus f*cking Christ
he's disgusting.

I tell you what try this,
look in the mirror.

Shut your mouth,
you fairy tale looking c**t.

Wow.

Wow.

Your old as f*ck.

I mean surely you've already seen
a dead body by now man.

Yeah but only old ones.
I wanna see a young one.

Yeah but only old ones.
I wanna see a young one.

That's a f*cking weird thing to say,
in it?

Oi, we're not here for fun,
where grabbing the object

and then we're getting
the f*ck out of here.

and then we're getting
the f*ck out of here.

Do you know what I mean?
Well it's my birthday Vin

and birthday boy's always get
what they ask for.

Father Pissmass, down here.

Father Pissmass, down here.

Get your sh*t together,
so we can get the f*ck in there.

Oh cheers.

♪ Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing -
Chris Isaak ♪

♪ Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing -
Chris Isaak ♪

It's a lot of hard work isn't it.

Constantly sort of having to up
keep the track and all that,

Constantly sort of having to up
keep the track and all that,

making sure there's no-
no lumps or bumps and that.

Now the mechanical hare, I'd say
that needs a lot of maintenance.

Now the mechanical hare, I'd say
that needs a lot of maintenance.

Don't get him started on the hare.
He loves that hare.

I don't love it, Jackie.

He'd shag it if it wasn't illegal.
Er... Not sure it's illegal.

He'd shag it if it wasn't illegal.
Er... Not sure it's illegal.

I'm going for a piss.

Here are Jimbo,
perfect size for you these.

Here are Jimbo,
perfect size for you these.

Just think, you'll be in one of
these soon, won't ya.

f*cking heart of an ox, me.

I'll f*cking out live
f*cking pair of you.

I'll f*cking out live
f*cking pair of you.

Stinking of piss is a cure for old
age and you'll live for ever mate.

Why don't you just f*ck off!

I can't help
noticing the thing there,

I can't help
noticing the thing there,

that verbally thing,
the 'mmm', mmm'.

What the f*ck is that like.

It's been going on for years,

drives me mad,
he only does it when he's...

drives me mad,
he only does it when he's...

..sexually nervous.

Sexually nervous? And what,
he sexually nervous now?

Yes.
Why?

Yes.
Why?

Because of you.
Because of me?

He keeps asking me to have
a threesome, Carol.

He keeps asking me to have
a threesome, Carol.

But I don't want to.

I just want us to be happy again,
like we used to be.

I just want us to be happy again,
like we used to be.

And you will be Jackie,
you will be...

For f*ck sake,
where's he keep the f*cking stiffs?

For f*ck sake,
where's he keep the f*cking stiffs?

They'll be on the floor,
behind the bins

you great f*cking lemon. Where'd you
think he keeps them, dude?

you great f*cking lemon. Where'd you
think he keeps them, dude?

They'll be in a big freezer
or something.

They'll be in freezer or
something like that.

Oh buzzing.

That is a fridge.

It's sexual.
Ooh.

You start on that side.

I wanna start on this side.

Jimbo, stand there try not to
be a pissed up c**t.

Jimbo, stand there try not to
be a pissed up c**t.

Keep your eye out.

Looking for the foot.
Severed foot guys.

Oh dude. Found it.

Hay oh.

Hay oh.

Hi five it. Woo...
Hey f*cking Vin.

f*ck. Tell me that door opens from
the inside, Jimbo.

f*ck. Tell me that door opens from
the inside, Jimbo.

Course it f*cking opens.

It's a f*cking door.

Oh f*ck me dude. sh*t.
f*cking dickhead.

Did you get the keys?

Not yet.
What's taking so long?

Not yet.
What's taking so long?

He's with his wife - and she's
lovely and we're going to help her.

What? How?
Has Tommo still got Alison?

Alison?

Ah f*cking gorgeous.

Listen we need to accept our
situation here.

Trapped in an undertakers freezer.

Correct. And no f*ckers
knows where here, either.

Correct. And no f*ckers
knows where here, either.

Alright, so we just don't panic.
There's no need for it.

We're gonna get out. Come here.
Get your hand in there.

We're gonna get out. Come here.
Get your hand in there.

Noooooo panic!

No panic. Yes.

Yeah man were professional.

Yes.

Welcome, welcome to my mobile
erotic parlour. Please.

This is perfect, Carol...

May I take your coats.

May I take your coats.

Say hello to my little friend.

She come with a built in
pulsating vag*na.

And she loves making new friends.

And she loves making new friends.

Please enjoy a complimentary glass
of drink while we get on the road.

She won't bite. Not yet.

She won't bite. Not yet.

Woo.

f*ck me, this is it then in it,

we're all gonna die in a great big
f*cking freezer.

Oh there was so much
I didn't get done, dude.

Like what?

Bukkake.

Bukkake? What the f*ck is wrong
with you eh?

Bukkake? What the f*ck is wrong
with you eh?

Here we're all faced death and all
you can think is

f*cking Japanese sex jizz p*rn.

f*cking Japanese sex jizz p*rn.

I once coloured in a world map -
red for every country

I'd made love to a woman from.

How red did you get it then?

How red did you get it then?

England. Er...

..Jersey. There's another one
er...

..Jersey. There's another one
er...

..Isle of Man.

Damn near took over didn't ya?!

Why you even sharing a story like
that at a time like this Jimbo?!

Why you even sharing a story like
that at a time like this Jimbo?!

Because if I'd known I was gonna die
in a f*cking freezer

I might have
f*cking broadened my hunt.

To f*cking where?

To f*cking where?

I don't know... but I'm not into
hairy armpits, Vin.

Or them lot that wax their bush.

Or them lot that wax their bush.

I mean even a f*cking landing
strip's fine.

Honest to God.

But nobody wants to be met
by a smooth shiny minge.

Stop talking about shinny minges

Stop talking about shinny minges

and f*cking world maps
that you've come on. God sake.

You know, we're f*cking trapped
in a shagging freezer lads,

this is really f*cking serious.
We could die.

this is really f*cking serious.
We could die.

♪ Push it - Salt-N-Pepa ♪

♪ Push it - Salt-N-Pepa ♪

Dude, what if it don't work
out and she's got to go through

with some degrading sex act or
something?

At least you've got Martin.

At least you've got Martin.

The dog?

That's my f*cking wife man.
Yeah I know.

Are we having this threesome
or what?

All the way baby. Sexy dolly.

Have you ever had a sexy
dolly before?

You can do anything to me, you and
your wife.

Ah do you want to touch my breast?
Give me a little kiss.

I've thought of dying more than
anyone I f*cking know. Honestly.

I've thought of dying more than
anyone I f*cking know. Honestly.

I just didn't think it
would be like this.

Trapped in an industrial freezer.

Trapped in an industrial freezer.

How did you think it'd happen?

Horse back.

f*cking horse back.
f*cking Robin of Loxley over here.

f*cking horse back.
f*cking Robin of Loxley over here.

At least you're not dying
on your f*cking birthday.

You're not dying on your f*cking
birthday either.

Stupid old c**t. You're not gonna
die before twelve o'clock are ya?

Stupid old c**t. You're not gonna
die before twelve o'clock are ya?

Alright the f*cking day after me
birthday then.

What f*cking difference
would it make?

You know you'll be dead won't you
thick c**t, so it won't matter

You know you'll be dead won't you
thick c**t, so it won't matter

I mean it could be Christmas
f*cking day, birthday,

shrove shagging Tuesday.
That's when Jesus d*ed.

No, that was f*cking good Friday.

Weren't a very f*cking good Friday
for Jesus were it?

Weren't a very f*cking good Friday
for Jesus were it?

Shut the f*ck up about Jesus'
brilliant Friday.

We are completely f*cking stuck.

That's what Jesus said up on that
cross and it all turned out

That's what Jesus said up on that
cross and it all turned out

alright for him.

Go on Jackie, kiss her Jackie.

Go on Jackie, kiss her Jackie.

Jesus Christ.

Did you get the keys?
Course I've got the f*cking keys!

Can we just go please?
Will you f*cking come on!

Come on.

Useless f*cking. Run out of gas.

Useless f*cking. Run out of gas.

f*ck!

Whoo f*ck me.
It's getting cold now in it.

Shall we snuggle together,
for body warmth?

Shall we snuggle together,
for body warmth?

Don't be f*cking weird dude,
give over.

Survival technique. SAS.
It's not a gay thing.

Survival technique. SAS.
It's not a gay thing.

Why would human beings huddling
for warmth be a gay thing?

I'm not h*m*,
you're putting words in my mouth.

I'm not h*m*,
you're putting words in my mouth.

I'm not putting anything in your
mouth sweetheart and nor would I

thank you very much.
Why?

Because you're not an
attractive man.

You're not Jim.
You're f*cking gross dude.

You're not Jim.
You're f*cking gross dude.

Fine. Me and him'll snuggle up and
you can freeze to f*cking death

over their in woke corner.

over their in woke corner.

We need to get our clothes
off - not boxers -

and then hug together,
and wrap whatever clothes and sh*t

and then hug together,
and wrap whatever clothes and sh*t

we've got around us, so we're like
a f*cking heat sandwich right.

Thomas. Get your f*cking gear off.
You'll never survive on your own.

Thomas. Get your f*cking gear off.
You'll never survive on your own.

But I'm being a slice of the bread,
I'm not being the f*cking filling.

Right. This is it.
The groundman's hut.

Right. This is it.
The groundman's hut.

Right f*cking keys. The keys.
Who's got the keys?

Give me the f*cking keys.

Spread out,
we need to find these hares.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Right this is what
we're after here lads.

Bollocks, there's five of
the f*ckers.

Oh no, no, no.
I'm not tearing it into quarters.

Fifths.

Fifths.

What'll we do? If we stuff the wrong
hare, Arson Fire won't chase it.

There's only one thing
for it dude - strip.

What? Strip, T-shirt, socks, undies.
Come on.

f*ck, Cardi always stinks.

f*ck, Cardi always stinks.

Clothes off. Yeah alright.
I'm not taking my undies off.

We need your smell Cardi and there's
no greater Cardi scent

than them skiddy undies.

than them skiddy undies.

Alright, well f*cking turn round
then. I'm not. I'm watching this.

Turn around.
Come on.

So it turns out you can fit
three men in a body bag.

Oh you fucker. Jimbo dude.

Oh you fucker. Jimbo dude.

Sorry lads it's the beer.

Oh. Oh f*ck me.

Surely they'll realise gone and
they'll come looking for us.

Surely they'll realise gone and
they'll come looking for us.

I mean they knew where
we were going didn't they?

Surely, surely
it's only a matter of time.

Yeah. It's only a matter of time.

Yeah. It's only a matter of time.

♪ Cold Cold Ground - Tom Waits ♪

♪ Cold Cold Ground - Tom Waits ♪

Come on you. You're getting in here.
Right. Up you get mate.

Up you get.
We're off to find Vinnie.

Up you get.
We're off to find Vinnie.

It's not like him to not
pick up his calls.

I'll be back in a sec, right?

Carol I'm off! I'm taking
Martin to go find Vinnie.

Martin... Martin...
Oh for f*ck sake.

Martin... Martin...
Oh for f*ck sake.

Martin?

Carol!

Ey, I tell you what,
that's the best night's f*cking kip

Ey, I tell you what,
that's the best night's f*cking kip

I've had for ages.

How can that even be dude?

f*cking silence.
I was dead to the world.

I know we heard you.

I know we heard you.

Snoring on you is like sleeping
next to a f*cking hog.

Listen, main thing is, we're all
still alive, now listen. Listen.

I think I've come up
with a bit of a plan.

I think I've come up
with a bit of a plan.

You see the vent behind us.
Just there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

We can pull the door of that vent.

I reckon if one of us can
shimmy through.

Get a bit of phone reception.

Get a bit of phone reception.

Get hold of someone
you know what I mean. Brilliant.

That is actually a very good idea,
but I'm gonna say this right,

I'm extremely claustrophobic.
Yeah I've got bad knees.

I'm extremely claustrophobic.
Yeah I've got bad knees.

Dude you can f*ck off!

It's always that who has to do
the terrible f*cking job,

that nobody wants to do.

None of us wanna go through
a freezing f*cking steel vent.

None of us wanna go through
a freezing f*cking steel vent.

But someone's gonna have to man,
you know.

Vin!
Vinnie!!! Vinnie!

Vinnie!!

He's not here.
Ah. He must be.

f*ck it. He's not, call Erin!

f*ck it. He's not, call Erin!

Hello.

Erin have you seen Vinnie?
Not since yesterday, no, why?

We're outside the shack,

We're outside the shack,

he's not answering and he's not
answering his phone either

and we've also lost
the f*cking dog.

Has he still got that friend
finder on his phone?

Friend finder,
what the f*ck is that?

Friend finder,
what the f*ck is that?

Right, where are you?

How are we deciding who goes up?

Alright, what about this then-
Ip dip.

f*cking Ip dip?
Ip dip, mate.

f*cking Ip dip?
Ip dip, mate.

Ip dip sky blue, granny sitting on
the loo - playing darts,

she farts, out goes you!
That's not how it goes.

It's ip dip doo, doggy done a poo,
went to the cinema at half past two,

It's ip dip doo, doggy done a poo,
went to the cinema at half past two,

when the film started,
everyone farted, out goes you.

There's a cat, dude. There's cat
that had flu that's wrong that-

There's a cat, dude. There's cat
that had flu that's wrong that-

There's no f*cking cat mate?
There's a cat that got flu!

There's a cat got the flu,
the dog that got chickenpox!

Cat's don't get flu do they? Well
dogs don't go to the f*cking cinema,

Cat's don't get flu do they? Well
dogs don't go to the f*cking cinema,

Tommy, you know what I mean.
Maybe it was the cat that farted.

No, no, no, no granny farted, didn't
she?! When she was on the loo.

Why's would she be, why would there
be an old women farting her

arse off on loo playing darts?
Are we gonna play the game or not?

arse off on loo playing darts?
Are we gonna play the game or not?

Yes.
Yes.

Right. Who's version?

This is f*cking weird.

Come on. We're wasting time,
I'm never gonna get Martin back!

Come on. We're wasting time,
I'm never gonna get Martin back!

Cardi, you have lost a dog
and one of your best friends,

now what is more important?

Right the app said they were
here last night,

so maybe they're still in there.

so maybe they're still in there.

Why would they still be in a f*cking
funeral parlour the next morning?

Unless... Gary's caught
them... and k*lled them.

Unless... Gary's caught
them... and k*lled them.

And now they're lying in coffins...

Well it's not going to be
that, is it, Cardi?

No probably not.

Oh it's cold.

Can you see owt?

Can't go that way. Reverse.
Other way.

Right. Pass me. Pass me your phone.
Got it yep yep.

Hurry up dude!

What were that?

What were that?

Answer it then, dickhead.

Vinnie's phone's ringing but
he's not picking up.

Vinnie's phone's ringing but
he's not picking up.

This doors been jimmied.

Right come on.

Come here you f*cking borrower.

Get out the way. Go on. Go on.
f*ck sake.

Right, I'm asking for two inches.

Right, I'm asking for two inches.

As the actress said to the bishop.

No. No. Honestly dude.

Is this the time for
a lame penis joke.

No it isn't. No. Go on.

No it isn't. No. Go on.

Vin?!

Vinnie!
Vin?!

Tommo...?

Oh. f*cking signal.

Vinnie?
Vin?

Vinnie?

Tommo?

Oh well, they're
definitely not in here.

Oh well, they're
definitely not in here.

Nearly there.

Nearly got it dude.

Nearly got it dude.

Bollocks, dude it was Erin.

No, no, no, no. f*ck.

No, no, no, no. f*ck.

What?

Hello?
Hello, Vincent.

Are you alright Davey love.
Dude, I am in terrible jam.

Are you alright Davey love.
Dude, I am in terrible jam.

I'm gonna have to bell you back.

You f*cking hung up on him.
Well yeah. It were Davey MacDonagh.

What the f*ck are you playing at?

What the f*ck are you playing at?

That could've been our only
chance to get out of here!

He's not gonna come down here
and help,

he'd be f*cking made up we
were stuck in here.

Twit.
I'm gonna ring Erin.

Twit.
I'm gonna ring Erin.

I've gotta do that stupid dog
race thing yet you know.

Alright well go on then.

It's ringing!
It's f*cking ringing!

Good. Good. Good.

Good. Good. Good.

Vin - where are you?

Vin!

Dog race.
He's gone, Vin — He's gone.

The dog, he was in the back of
the van and now he's.

The dog, he was in the back of
the van and now he's.

We've got to get the dog.
We've got to get the dog.

Pissing dog run off. What about us?
I am f*cking freezing.

He's being stolen.
He might not've been stolen.

He has been stolen. Oh my God.
Dude, he's been stolen?

He has been stolen. Oh my God.
Dude, he's been stolen?

He's been f*cking stolen.

It's the f*cking MacDonagh's.
Erin. Erin. Carol. Warm up the lads.

Make sure Jim's alright,
I think he's gonna die.

Make sure Jim's alright,
I think he's gonna die.

Right Jim your with me.
Tommo get in.

Right. f*ckers. Right, you just-
You stay here.

Right. f*ckers. Right, you just-
You stay here.

Dude, if they have got Martin in
there I am f*cking coming in.

I have got f*cking bog roll
on me boot!

Where the f*ck is he now?!

Hello, Vincent, Vincent's friend.

f*ck sake.
f*cking red hot in here.

Where's the dog?
Have a seat.

Where's the dog?
Have a seat.

I don't want a seat,
I want the dog you stole!

Did you have chance to think
about my generous offer?

Yeah, I did. But I can't man.

Yeah, I did. But I can't man.

I can't go in to another
partnership.

I'm sorry it's a f*cking no!

Barry.

Barry.

Oh Martin.
Ah-ah.

Lovely creatures aren't they dogs,

Lovely creatures aren't they dogs,

but they have a very different
system to ours.

They have trouble regulating
their own temperature.

They have trouble regulating
their own temperature.

Which is why they pant a lot.

Final chance, Vincent.

Final chance, Vincent.

It's a f*cking no! No!

Dude, what the f*ck you doing?

Dude, what the f*ck you doing?

You're not this f*cking guy,
are you? Hey, is this you?

You're not this f*cking guy,
are you? Hey, is this you?

All you have to do is say
is yes, Vincent.

And then we will have a lovely
business arrangement.

Vin, Vin, please man. Please.
sh*t!

One word, three letters.

One word, three letters.

Vin, please,
he's gonna f*cking die in there man.

Davey, don't do this man.
It's just a f*cking stunt.

It's a stunt in it, come on.
You know what I want Vincent.

It's a stunt in it, come on.
You know what I want Vincent.

Yeah but this isn't the way
to get it, Davey.

Let the f*cking dog out now!

Please, Mister MacDonagh.
Please let the dog out.

Please, Mister MacDonagh.
Please let the dog out.

Open the door.

Open the f*cking door.

Vinnie he's gonna f*cking die
in there, please man.

sh*t! Erm.
f*ck it then. I'll do it.

sh*t! Erm.
f*ck it then. I'll do it.

I'll do it! I'll go into
partnership with ya. I'll do it.

I'll do it just whatever.
Let the f*cking dog out you psycho.

So macho.
Just let the dog out.

So macho.
Just let the dog out.

Give them the dog back, Barry.

It's alright. It's alright.

It's alright. It's alright.

Come on man, come on.
Barry.

Barry!

Hello Martin. Come on love.

Hello Martin. Come on love.

There's your foot.

Thank you, Vincent.

Thank you, Vincent.

Come on Cardi love.

It's alright Martin.
Let's get him to the race track.

It's alright Martin.
Let's get him to the race track.

Get back in your box, twinkle toes.

♪ Dog Days -
Florence and the Machine ♪

Go on lad, here we go.

Go on Cardi. Go on Cardi.

Lets hope it's been for a sh*t
already this time. Go on Cardi.

Lets hope it's been for a sh*t
already this time. Go on Cardi.

Here's to your community centre.
And a life free of fear.

Right, here we go.

Right, here we go.

Here it comes. Here it comes.
Come on mate.

Come on mate. Come on Martin.

Come on mate. Come on Martin.

Come on Martin.

♪ Woncha Come On Home -
Joan Armatrading ♪

♪ Woncha Come On Home -
Joan Armatrading ♪

We all ready to go camping?
I'd rather get a UTI.

We all ready to go camping?
I'd rather get a UTI.

At least one of us, is
prepared for the wilderness.

Dylan on dr*gs.

Classic horror film
mistake that lads.

It's cursed.

It's cursed.

I've seen things.

I'm f*cking sh1tting myself?

Don't move!
We're all gonna f*cking die here.

Don't move!
We're all gonna f*cking die here.

Jesus Christ. Sarah?