04x03 - Lost in the Woods

[bunniefuu]

White Rabbit

Ooh...

Jesus. f*cking hell.

I forgot you were there.

Yes, dude, listen to this one.

In Switzerland, if you have a guinea

pig, it has to have a pal with it.

Can't be on its own because

they're social animals, you see?

They get lonely, so it's illegal

to keep one on its tod.

No, it's a nice gesture,

but doesn't exactly exonerate

the n*zi-banking c**ts, does it?

Wonder if one of them guinea pigs

could ever be like me.

Just bit of an antisocial pig.

You know,

who doesn't wanna be around

all the other guinea pigs

What, because of

your...your social whatnot?

You're a bad doctor.

Excellent doctor -

got my diploma to prove it.

Where the fucks my diploma?!

Adyan Khan. What? Adyan Khan, man.

He's a f*cking patient.

Adyan Khan?

Yes, he's nicked it.

He sold it to Unit John

who owns the chippy.

f*cking boss-eyed little twat.

Right, Vinnie, standard procedure

is to address the root cause

of the anxiety.

So what's making you anxious?

A f*cking million things are making

me - Just tell me one of them.

Alright. Everything's just...

everything's so expensive.

I'm just not even enjoying myself.

Yeah, no, I've got nothing.

Give me something else?

Erm... Alright.

Perfect example - going camping

tonight with my knobhead mates.

We're in middle of f*cking nowhere.

This is not a treat for me,

you know what I mean? I'm just

a f*cking walking contradiction.

I'm lonely, yet I can't stand

being with people. They...

Well, maybe the fresh air

will do you good? Fantastic.

Thank God you're here.

f*cking fresh air. Listen to this.

This'll cheer you up.

Is that Adyan Khan?

Hi, Adyan, it's Dr Chris here.

Adyan, there's no easy way

of saying this, really,

but your tests have come back.

Let me put it this way. I wouldn't

bother booking a holiday next year.

You'll get in some sh*t for that.

I think you'd better come in.

Alright, bye.

Money

♪ The best things in life

Are free... ♪

But how? How did he manage to f*ck

up a job working a stop-and-go sign?

Ah, it was just the pressure

just got to him.

He got confused, and now Francis

is after skinning him alive.

He's a very sensitive fella,

now, so just mind you

what you'll be saying to him, like.

What's this?

Cardi's lost that job I got him with

my uncle on the roadworks. f*ck.

Your Uncle Francis is an absol-

Shh... Hey up, man.

You alright, love? Yeah.

Do you want a drink? No.

What time do you call this?

I said 2:00pm.

Hey. It is not my fault.

It's bloody chaos

down that big posh school, man.

Huge crash down by the roadworks.

Absolute nightmare. You should've

seen it - massive pile-up

with a hearse

and the whole funeral procession.

Coffin came out of the back

and everything.

I've heard that school

has got a sushi chef.

What? I f*cking hate that school

with a passion, do you know that?

The kids there are all c**ts.

It's an absolute piss-take.

The community centre gets pushed

back on every grant we apply for -

them twats get sushi chefs.

We all ready to go camping, then?

Where's all your gear?

We're not coming.

Why not?

I'd rather get a UTI.

It's gonna be the usual mayhem

with you lot.

It f*cking ain't gonna be

the usual mayhem with us lot.

It's gonna be magical,

and it's gonna be whimsical.

These Boots Are Made For Walkin'

Bring it on. Laugh it up,

you rancid bunch of dickheads.

Well, at least one of us

is prepared for the wilderness

and her many, many challenges.

You look like Ray Mears crapped out

a Borrower, you c**t. Where's Ashley?

Having a poo. Having a poo?

Are you wearing that, love? Yeah.

What the f*ck are you lot up to?

So, it's replacement work

on the power grid.

They're upgrading the cables

or something.

♪ And now someone else

Is getting all your best

♪ These boots are made for walkin'

♪ And that's just what they'll do

♪ One of these days, these boots

Are gonna walk all over you... ♪

f*ck!

So within that one-hour window,

they cut the power to the area,

OK, they replace the cables,

and then they restore the power.

Oi? Oi. All within an hour? All

within an hour All within an hour.

f*cking giggling about? You look like

you're fixing to do a job, you lot.

What's going on?

Big posh school is getting its power

cut off tonight for an hour.

No CCTV, no alarms, nothing.

Who's f*cking robbing it, you lot?

Thinking about it.

I just... I thought you were

bang against all that kind of sh*t.

Thieving, yeah, I am, generally.

But this is

redistribution of wealth.

Yeah, alright, but it's just...

that's an ambitious job, that.

Wait till we come back. What for?

Well, we're professionals thieves,

aren't we?

That there is a bit of a stretch,

now. 'Professional!'

I just don't want you to get f*cking

nicked, do you know what I mean?

The reality is you lot

are more likely

to get in sh*t camping

than we are robbing that place.

How do you figure that out,

smiling dickhead? We will see!

Yes, we will see. We will see.

Yes, we will see.

We will see. I'll f*cking see.

I've got one word for you -

Keithy McBride.

It's f*cking two words!

He's a prick.

Let's do it, lads.

f*cking hell... Where

the f*ck's Ashley?

He's still pooing.

♪ You gotta go where you wanna go

♪ Do what you wanna do

♪ You don't understand that it... ♪

Failure to prepare

is preparing to fail.

You mark my words,

I'm a man who does not fail.

Is that a Cubs thing, or what?

Is it f*ck a f*cking Cubs thing,

Ashley. Cubs...

are a bunch of slags and poseurs.

A real man sets his own challenges.

Didn't you get kicked out of Cubs,

Tommo? Yes, he got kicked out.

I left the Cubs of my own accord.

Yeah. After they told you

to f*ck clean off, you did.

What did they do that for?

f*cking pushed Marie Bennett into

an electric fence. She went flying.

Anyway, by that point,

I'd outgrown the Cubs, thank you.

You didn't outgrow

that bloody uniform, did you?

f*cking hell! Vin?

Oh. f*ck my arse.

Right, come on.

Oh. Here we go.

Oi, oi, oi.

The f*cking hell's wrong with this

now? It'll be the carburettor.

It'll be the carb... You don't

know about carburettors. I do.

Come on, JJ, what is it?

What's that?

It's the thing...the...

The...The little door.

Fuel t*nk? Correct, and what

does the fuel t*nk smell of?

Cars?

- Fuel.

- Ah, Petrol! It's petrol.

Correct. It smells of petrol.

f*ck me, that a diesel engine!

Correct answer cos some dickhead has

put petrol in inside of it. Argh!

You've f*cking ruined that now,

you dickend.

You put petrol in a diesel van? You

said put twenty quid in. Of diesel.

Isn't diesel just a nickname for

petrol? What does that even mean?!

What's the difference

between petrol and diesel?

There's a f*cking big difference,

Cardi! What?

You know...

f*cking different names and that.

Yeah. Different! Different smell..

Smell different.

They make them perform differently...

or in this case, just not at all!

It's to do with the combustion

within the engine. Thank you.

Honestly, stop and go,

diesel, petrol.

I can't keep up

with all these f*cking terms!

Right, it's at least four miles

back to that petrol station,

then we'll have to wait

for a tow truck. However...

if we cut across these fields

and up that hill,

we can get to the hiking trail.

That leads to Stenner Bluff -

two hours, and we're where

we want to be. Oh, my God!

We pick up the van tomorrow. How's

about that? Everybody on board?

Follow me, dickheads.

Dickhead.

Come on.

I'm alright! Dickheads. Alright.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Cardi.

- Oh, shite. f*ck.

- Carol. Keep going.

Keep f*cking going. Jesus Christ.

Carol! Carol!

Roll down the window. Roll it down.

Roll it down.

Oh, how's it going?

You see what that idiot boy of yours

done? A hearse! A f*cking hearse.

I tell ya, he's gonna need

a f*cking hearse when I sees him.

Oh, Jesus, no,

the situation, so it is,

absolutely devastated,

Francis, yeah. Where is he?

Ah, he's off now with the lads,

camping - a few pints, you know?

f*cking camping?!

He gets to go camping,

and I have to tidy away

all this shite?

Mm. A stop-go sign.

That's all he had to do!

Stop and go. How did he f*ck up that

so bad? Do you know what, Francis?

How's it even possible?

I don't know, but listen to me, now,

I think it was all just a bit

too much for him, you know?

Come here. Do you want to buy

that stop-go sign back off him?

Because I don't think he'll get much

use of it now. I'll tell you...

I'm gonna shove that stop-go sign

up his f*cking hole sideways

when I sees him!

Hours behind we are,

because of him. Hours!

Ask him how far behind exactly.

In terms of when the power's

gonna be shut down, like,

what time will that be now?

We've put it back till 8:00pm...

cos of that gaybag.

Oh, is that definite?

Yeah, 8:00pm. And it'll be off

for an hour, will it? Aye.

OK, so. Smashing. You

mind how you go, won't you? See you.

Who put out the flaming bollards?!

I told you,

you lazy sons of b*tches!

f*cking...

Tommo, can you take a turn

carrying food for a bit, mate?

No can do, sweetheart.

As I've told you before,

I'm a man

who sets his own challenges.

So I am on a foraging mission,

living exclusively off the land.

- Take these, for example.

- Tom. Tommy.

Don't...Don't just eat

a random f*cking bush,

just cos to prove a point.

You know what I mean?

Could be anything. That, right,

is what the supermarkets

want you to think. Yeah?

Nature provides everything we need.

These are perfectly harmless, yeah?

But you've been conditioned to think

the only things you can eat

are f*cking processed sh*t

wrapped in single-use plastic.

Oh, you di...

you didn't have to do that.

Do you know what I mean?

Just got to go, organic, yeah?

Mm. Good, are they?

Erm... They are actually, yeah.

Might have another one.

Don't have another. Mate.

You're just trying to prove a point

on a random bush.

It's even better, that one. How is

it better? How have they improved?

Just gonna...wash it down.

Knock it back with a bit of...

Yeah, knock it down...

with a f*cking load of cocaine.

That's what survivalists do!

That's how erm...

D-D-D-Dylan! f*ck!

Woo! Woo-hoo!

Dylan, why do you have

to f*cking whoop like an American?

You're gonna be paranoid

in five minutes,

doing everyone's f*cking head in.

What are you on about?

He is referencing the time

when you barricaded yourself

into the f*cking toilets

at Harley's thing.

Are you still on about that?

No, there was something...

something up with the gear.

The f*cking club, man, was intense.

A club? It were a christening,

you f*cking idiot!

Was it? Yes, a community centre.

Yes, community centre christening.

f*cking...what does it matter? We're

out in nature now. Come on! Woo!

You're gonna be miserable. Don't tell

me any of your f*cking woes now.

Seriously.

Lads,

enough f*cking daydreaming...

Fox one in position. Over.

Fox two in position. They're

about to cut the power. Over.

Fox three in position. Over.

Fox three,

what's with the pram? Over.

It's my cover.

I'm a foreign au pair working here

locally for a very wealthy couple

who've been working away

for ten years in Hong Kong.

Ouch! Over.

A hearse.

That's the funniest thing

I've ever f*cking heard. You guys.

f*cking hell. How you getting on,

love, you alright?

You having a good time? Oh it's

bloody brilliant fun. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. We're having a good 'un.

No incidents to report yet?

No, not...not yet anyway.

No-one's done anything stupid?

No. No

Hey, get off. Get off!

f*cking dickhead. Yes.

About nine quid's worth, that. And

the van got there alright, did it?

Yeah.

Ah, that's funny, that,

because JJ texted Sugar

saying the van broke down.

Come on. Come on.

f*ck off.

He'll be winding her up -

you know what he's like.

Oh, hang on, hang on.

Dylan's just posted a picture

of him and Tommo.

'Hashtag camping bros.'

And there seems to be a lot

of white powder round their noses.

Dylan on dr*gs.

You are in for a night of it, you

are. Listen, he's not had that much.

He'll be f*cking fine. Well,

I hope you're prepared to babysit.

Because let's be honest,

it ain't gonna end well, is it? Oi.

You stop worrying about mine -

you just worry about your own job.

Now, like I said to ya,

when things inevitably go wrong,

just do what you can

to not to bury anyone alive.

That ain't gonna get old, is it?

Alright, well, have fun

looking after your coked-up mate

who can't handle his dr*gs. Bye-bye!

f*ck! f*ck!

Dickheads. What's the f*cking deal?

Why are you all texting

the f*cking girl... sh*t!

Power's cut.

Alright, foxes. Let's go.

Go. Go. Go.

Where the f*ck is she?

Ooh.

Jesus, Carol. Where the f*ck are ya?

Oh, come on.

We're cutting it fine. sh*t!

Where is she? What's she doing?

I don't know. I don't - Carol!

Carol!

They're f*cking

triple-quilted, like!

Come on, run!

I've never felt anything like it

in my f*cking life, girls.

No alarm.

No alarm!

I'm gonna phone Vinnie.

I'm gonna phone Cardi.

Oh...

What? What?

- Oh, sh*t.

- You alright, love?

Tell me you didn't.

Oh, f*ck.

I think I dropped it

when I was using the toilet.

No!

f*ck sake, Carol!

Yeah, I dropped my phone, I did.

I dropped my phone.

Hang on. Can they trace that phone

back to you, though?

Er... The photo!

There's a photo of all three of us

posing with

the frigging security guard.

Don't be thick, Sugar.

f*ck sake. f*ck.

Get me the crowbar.

How do you not know that?

Everyone around here knows that.

Knows what?

Knows about the Lawler

Hunting Party. What the f*ck?

Social media slags. Myspacing and -

ASH: Are you serious?

So you're not winding me up?

It's a fact, dude.

It happened in them woods

down there. What happened?

- The Lawler Hunting Party.

- They all disappeared.

Six people went hunting in them

woods down there, and then...

vanished into thin air. They found

one lad naked and disorientated.

Ashley, sweetheart,

don't be getting upset about it.

It's just a f*cking wives' tale.

It's not, it's a historical fact.

There's a display

about it in the library. Library.

Alright, listen to this, yeah?

Winter of 1927,

the group were last seen

entering the woods upon the hill.

Villagers reported hearing

screams in the night

coming from the vicinity

in the weeks that followed.

Two weeks later, on February 12th,

Thomas Dylan...

was found clinging to the branch

of an ancient tree

in a catatonic state.

Well, we've all been there,

haven't we?

Jesus Christ.

He remained that way

and was held in an asylum

until his death in the 1950s!

Isn't this also close enough

to where...

Adyan Khan was chased

by that pigman?

What's a pigman?

Well, maybe...

It'll be a pig with a man's head,

won't it? No, no.

It's the body of a man

with the head of a pig.

No, no, no,

cos I heard he also had...

the nipples.

Dude... Now...

Now you see what you do...

You've really

f*cking made him cry there.

This is you, Dylan.

Has he had more cocaine, this w*nk*r?

No. Yeah, he has. Get

your f*cking sh*t together right now.

Break time's over.

I'll take the food, man.

Oi, stop texting the f*cking girls.

Is it much further?

I'm really tired.

As the crow flies, Stenner Bluff

is about a mile in that direction.

Through them woods?

Yes, through them woods.

Are they the woods

JJ was talking about

with the Hunting Party and that?

Oh, no, that's a classic

horror film mistake that, lads.

Yeah, guys, wait. We can't be

taking the piss out of them woods.

Listen, we just got to stick

to the straight paths.

No-one is taking the piss out

of the f*cking woods.

We're supposed to be

having a good time, boys. Right.

All those who are not gonna sh*t

their pants in the f*cking woods,

follow me. They're just woods.

They're just woods.

Tom? You look like sh*t, dude.

Are you alright?

No, no, no.

I am absolutely fine, thank you.

Tom? Hey. Shh, shh.

Did you hear that?

What?

Exactly. It's like

the whole place is dead...

like a tomb.

No, don't... Please. Don't, man.

Hey. Hey. Hey! Do you hear that?

It's like whispers in the trees

or something. Whispering trees?

Did you not hear it? No, no,

I think I did that time. Yeah, no.

I heard it. It were like whispers,

weren't it, Dyl? Dyldo! Oi!

Are you f*cking frightening

all them lads? You know Ashley's

sensitive with paranoid bullshit.

It's alright. Sorry.

f*ck.

Does my head in. Tom?

- Dyl?

- Huh?

You alright? Yeah. How many nipples

does a male pig have?

Oh, gross, dude. Tommy, 'fess up.

You've got diarrhoea, bruv.

Have I f*ck. I'm foraging, aren't I?

You are not foraging.

You had all them f*cking berries

we begged you not to eat.

Now you've poisoned yourself.

You've got terrible diarrhoea!

- No, I haven't.

- I'm forag...ah!

Ooh. I'm telling you,

I saw something. Oi!

It was a robed figure.

What are them twats doing?

Oh, God.

- Ow. Watch out.

- Shh. Quiet.

It's not me - Carol keeps

sticking her arse in my face.

I think you'll find it's you

sticking your face in my arse.

It's your own fault, Carol. Argh!

Now, how much longer are we gonna be

trekking on like knobheads for?

I dunno how that map's helping you.

Vinnie. Vinnie.

It is very complicated, right?

I have to triangulate stars...

Well, what's the compass for, so?

The compass, thank you for asking,

is for finding the sun and stars

and that, in't it?

f*ck off, you dickhead!

Dude... Dyl.

What was the name

of that lad you said they found

'clinging to the branches

of an ancient tree'?

- Thomas Dylan.

- Thomas Dylan! Oh, my God!

This could be the actual tree

where they found him!

It's definitely the tree.

Don't wind each other.

It's just a tree.

Dude! Argh!

What you doing?

What's it look like I'm doing?

I'm having a slash.

Tommo, you mustn't piss on magic.

Cos some lad wanked himself into

a coma in it hundred years ago?

Oh, I'm very scared. Ooh!

I'm f*cking sh1tting myself.

Nice one, Tommo.

You probably just put

a f*cking curse on all of us!

So will you please

just get us out of here?

What the f*ck is this?

What is that?

This is a map of North Korea!

Thomas?!

No. No. No. Hang on. Hang on.

Before you get upset, right, I...

..I had to set myself

a personal challenge. What the f*ck?

A personal challenge

to survive in the wilderness...

..without any provisions

or the assistance of a map.

Oh, Jesus. Oh.

What the f*ck!

Hey. Hey. Hey. Behave yourselves.

You have led us in the middle of

this flipping m*rder forest

with no idea of where we are going

or how we're gonna f*cking get out!

I've got an idea.

Don't you worry,

sweetheart, because...

we must follow the compass. Ha ha!

Navigationally, we must continue

in that direction.

Follow me!

Come here,

Shiticus Maximus Decimus Meridius

with your f*cking map of North Korea.

- Absolute worst day out ever.

- Should have put me in charge.

Why has he got a map of North Korea?

♪ If you go down in the woods today

♪ You're sure of a big surprise

♪ You'd better go in disguise

♪ For every bear that ever there was

♪ Will gather there

For certain because... ♪

You are so bad-tempered dude.

You are bad tempered!

No, you. Settle down.

w*nk*r.

Not long now, lads,

we'll be out of these woods.

Hang on a minute, man.

We've defin... We've been here.

Without question, we've been here.

All terrain looks similar

to the untrained eye.

Oh, f*ck me, it's one of

Tommo's coke bags. No, no, no, no.

That's not one of my...

It's not one of my coke bags, no!

It says Dylan on the f*cking tree!

Oh, my God, we've been

going round in circles, Thomas!

It's a different tree.

It's got to be!

We've been going in a straight line.

It's got to be a different tree.

It's the same one, you clown.

It's called us back. It's cursed!

It's not f*cking cursed, Dylan. It's

a f*cking tree. f*ck you, Tommo.

You've f*cking lied to us, now we're

gonna die here! I don't like this.

I knew I shouldn't have come,

dickhead. Lads, lads. Lads.

We may perhaps...

have found ourselves

in a little bit of a tight spot.

But now is not the time...

to dissolve into petty bickering

about who may

or may not be to blame.

No-one's bickering -

we all agree you're to blame. You.

Without question.

It's like that, is it?

Well, how's about this for an idea,

then? Find your own f*cking way out.

Yeah? Anyone who wants to survive

these woods, follow me.

Tom. Don't sulk off, man.

f*ck yourself, mate!

Oh, Christ. Thomas!

Let him go.

Come on. Oi. Get away from the tree,

come on.

Tom? Tom?

Oh, f*ck!

Where'd he go?

He's just vanished.

Vinnie... I think we should just

pitch camp here for the night.

- Right? Get a fire going.

- Set out first light.

Let's just face facts here

for a minute.

We're just a little bit

lost in the woods here, lads.

We're lost in the woods.

Jesus Christ. Help us!

Help! Argh! Help us right now.

Oi! You.

Give over. You did this.

Sit down for a f*cking minute,

will you? Have a minute!

Sit down! Convalesce. Now...

Dude, we cannot stay here,

in these woods, at night. Why not?

f*ck this. Call the woodland police,

tell them to come and get us.

Now, hang on a minute, that is

a good idea. Try and find the number

for the woodland po... That's not

a f*cking thing. I'm phoning Carol.

How would the po -

I'm phoning Carol! Don't...

Tell her we're having a good time.

Tell her. No f*cking signal.

Oh, my God.

I ain't got no signal either.

I've got no f*cking signal. Well,

that's the idea. I burnt my eyebrow.

He's burnt his eyebrow. Just f*cking

chill out, man, for f*ck sake.

Can we all just calm the f*ck down?

Right, Sugar, you stay up here in

case we need pulling up, yeah? OK.

Are you calling it?

Yes, Carol, I'm calling it, yeah.

I'll go check the jacks.

Yes. Quick. Quick. Quick.

f*cking hell.

I am gonna check over there.

Oh, sh*t. Motion sensor.

Don't move.

Hey, hey, hey!

I've seen things in them woods.

What things? Hidden figures. Figures

in the trees. Figures in robes.

Masks. Figures.

They're dressed like monks.

Monkeys in masks!

Oh, f*ck! What the hell was that?

Sounded like a tree falling over.

Dude, trees don't just fall over.

Absolutely, they do.

It's a very tree-ish thing...

to do, actually.

What could make a tree fall over?

A bunch of monks!

f*ck me, that's it. Shut the f*ck up!

You're frightening the sh*t

out of each other.

There aren't f*cking monks...

pushing over trees! There's no curse.

There's definitely not a man

with the head of a pig

and f*cking giant nips. It's just us

and a load of f*cking trees.

And don't text the f*cking girls.

Stop trying. If they find out

we're having a sh*t time,

I lose the f*cking thing with Erin.

Where are you going?! I'm going

finding the phantom shitter!

f*cking out here somewhere. Frodo!

- Who?

- sh*t. Vin.

What the f*ck is happening

with him today?

This is a bit like Squid Game,

in't it, Erin?

Jesus.

Sugar, I need to move.

I'm getting cramp.

OK. Just move very, very gradually

so they won't register you.

OK.

Thomas?! Thomas!

Tom?! Tommy?!

Come on, dude.

Tom? Tom, I'm serious, man.

Come on, stop f*cking around, dude.

It's pitch black.

Tom?

Dude, come on,

stop f*cking about, you f...

Oh, thank f*ck.

Keep going, you're getting closer.

That's it, you are nearly here.

Keep coming.

It was only

on the floor of the jacks!

sh*t!

f*cking hell! Come on.

Bloody thing.

Behave yourself.

You're hurting me hole.

Oh, f*ck! Jesus Christ.

Oh, f*ck. f*cking hell. Thomas?!

♪ I put a spell on you...

Christ...

managed to shite his own pants off.

Impressive!

♪ Because you're mine

♪ Stop the things you do...

Alright, there we are.

♪ What's up?

♪ I ain't lying...

Oh, f*ck! sh*t!

Oh! Ow!

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

You don't have to skulk out there.

Come, take a seat if you like.

Sorry.

I didn't...

I just didn't want to make you jump.

I er...gone camping

with my dickhead mates, ended up...

getting a bit lost myself, so...

Aren't we all?

Have a seat. Oh, thanks ever so

much, man. You are a bloody angel.

Go on, Tommo. Here you go.

Pull yourself together, lad.

You're a big boy. It's just nature.

Trees, more trees, leaves...

and mulch. Nothing weird

about that whatso...uh.

Maybe what you saw

wasn't a monk. OK?

What else could it be?

I dunno. A nun?

Dyl? The monk...

did he have any friends with him?

Eh?

Were they carrying torches?

Don't leave me!

It's f*cking monks!

I'm just...

I don't think I'm good at being

around people is all, you know?

I know it sounds f*cking daft.

Let me see if I've got this right.

You find it hard

being around people...

..so you go off

and live in the woods.

But living alone

makes you feel lonely.

So you try and dip your toe back in

every once in a while...

..do normal things normal people do.

But doing these things

make you feel like an imposter.

It makes you miserable.

That about right?

Hmm. Well, you're wrong.

You're wrong.

Your thinking's off.

Is it?

Yeah. You're comparing yourself

to people who you don't want to be.

f*cking hell, yeah. I do that.

But that doesn't make you weird.

What it makes you...

..is a success.

Because it makes you the master

of your own destiny, man, like me.

You and me, we're not like the rest

of the trees in the forest.

We're...beautiful anomalies

of nature...

..like them trees you see growing

out the side of some chimney

on a derelict factory -

despite all the damage.

How you are...

is not some sort of handicap.

It's a gift.

Don't waste your life...

caring what other people

think about you.

The only thing that matters...

..is being honest with yourself.

Knowing you are

a decent human being.

I f*cking really needed that.

Oh, sorry.

Right.

Better go

and find them knobheads, eh?

Pleasure to meet you, Vincent.

On you go.

Don't be a stranger.

Quick. Quick.

- Here.

- I'm up. I'm up.

Oh, f*ck! Argh!

What the bloody hell was that?

Come on, quick!

Bloody hell.

I knew this was a bad idea.

It was your f*cking idea.

The last lot who tried

to rob this place got 18 months.

It's classed as a charity here.

Judges take a very dim view

of people who rob charities.

However...

an all-female crew.

To be honest,

I think it's way overdue

if you ask me.

You know, I'm a big fan of women.

And feminists. All of that.

Got all the hashtags.

Look, you give it a bloody good go,

you should be

really proud of yourselves.

I don't want this to put you off

trying anything like this again

in the future.

However,

I need you put everything back...

just as you found it. But I need you

to do it in the next five minutes,

or I'm calling the cops. Chop chop.

f*ck sake.

sh*t.

sh*t! f*ck me.

Tom? Thomas? T...

Vincent?

Thomas.

No, I'm not alright.

There's monks after me, and...

I did, in fact,

I have terrible diarrhoea.

Can I borrow your joggers?

Listen to me. Yeah. You've eaten

a load of poisonous berries. Yeah.

Done too much cocaine.

You've ended up...

f*cking sh1tting yourself senseless,

you daft c**t.

Yeah. Yeah.

Robed figures in the middle

of the f*cking woods. Jesu-

Oh, f*cking sh*t!

Get the f*ck down. Get down!

Torch. Torch, dude!

Oh, sh*t. Mind.

Now do you believe me?

Yes, I do.

We need to get the f*ck out of here.

Oh, sh*t! Woodlice.

Brotherhood of

the Hood. Brotherhood of the Hood.

Brotherhood of the Hood.

Shh. Quiet.

- Jesus Christ.

- Lads, what the f*ck is that?!

f*ck sake. Dude.

Holy sh*t.

Dude, what are they doing

with that guy?

They're putting him in...

They're gonna f*cking set fire...

They're gonna sacrifice that man.

Right now. Listen to me.

I have to help. Vinnie.

I'm right behind ya.

Right on my back.

I love you, man.

Right, let's go. Let's do it.

Oi. Oi. Oi. Stop it.

Stop what you're doing!

Argh, you f*ckers. Oi. Oi. Oi.

Stop it. Stop what you're doing.

Stop what you are f*cking doing

right now.

Someone just check on that

guy there. I'm worried about him.

Tommo! You were supposed

to come down with me, man.

Sorry. Lost me confidence.

Sabotage

Dyl!

Dylan! Dylan, settle down a little

bit. You've had too much cocaine.

Where are your trousers? I had to

give 'em to Tom - he shat himself.

Now, everyone, just f*cking back off.

It's alright, lad. Back off, fucker.

It's alright. It's alright, lad.

What's happening?

It's alright.

You're safe now.

Who are you? What do you mean?

We're f*cking here to save ya.

Get you away from all these fuckwits.

Yeah, what for?

What do you mean, 'What for'?

Is this still part of it?

Part of f*cking what?

The ceremony?

No! We are rescuers.

We've come to rescue you.

The non-believers have broken

the Brotherhood's sacred circle!

- They must not... That's Shirley.

- Shirley? Shirley!

No... No, I know not

of who you speak.

It f*cking well is him!

Why wouldn't Jimbo be here as well?

I'm filming it all.

I told you I'd expose you, didn't I?

You bunch of f*cking nonces.

You can shove that camera up your

arse, you. f*ck me, that's Bishop.

Just a bit of fun! Bit of fun?

Like burning people in the woods?

We're not burning anybody? No!

It's more of a ceremonial thing.

It was.

What the f*ck is going on? Jimbo!

The Brotherhood of the Hood.

the hood. Brotherhood of the hood.

The Broth...Broth... What?

Yeah, I know, it's a sh*t name,

for a sh*t so-called secret society

full of local f*cking nutters.

Businessmen. And women...

and non-binary individuals.

We're very progressive! Yes,

and women and non-binary individuals

who enjoy the iconography

of the occult,

but also have a shared interest in

Hawley's local business community.

Captains of industry in the greater

Hawley area is how I'd describe us -

not that we're allowed

to tell anyone,

being a secret society and all.

So it's Masons

who can't get into Masons?

No. Nothing like the Masons.

Perverts, the lot of them. Ah, yeah.

But cramming weird nymph-men

into f*cking wicker yoga balls...

It's supposed to be an egg. It's not

an egg, is it? It's perfectly round.

Graham was in charge

of weaving that. Well, I'm not

a professional weaver, am I?

I'm a patissier.

Eight months that took.

And not one of you said,

'Well done, Graham, great job'.

Well done, Graham.

Hang on.

Right, so am I in or not, then?

No, Geoff. Unfortunately,

the circle has been broken,

which means that you must

be forsaken by the Brotherhood

and can never subsequently

be inducted.

f*cking bollocks, that is.

This is exactly what you wanted,

isn't it Graham? He's been trying

to stop me from joining

ever since I opened a sandwich shop

next to his cake shop.

It's a patisserie,

thank you very much. I don't know

what you're talking about.

Yeah, you tell 'em, Geoff.

These lot have been

ripping the piss out of you.

'Half-eaten yogurt,'

one of 'em called ya.

One of 'em said you looked like

an anorexic sperm

trying to fertilise

a f*cking wicker egg.

f*ck this for a game of soldiers.

Ash, come on, get your sh*t together.

Hey, bit of a disappointment in the

woods tonight, weren't it, eh, lads?

You caused all this, you.

What were you doing in the woods

with a camera anyway, you perv?

Masons wouldn't have ya. Amateurs.

Go bum a cow, Farmer Giles.

Hey, are we alright, lads?

Come on, give us a smile.

You're on telly. Here we go.

We'll get back to you in due course

if your application's successful.

Take that d*ck off your head and

f*ck off. f*cking hell, calm down.

Jim, leave Shirley's cult alone now.

f*ck off home.

Hey, I'm documenting these cults.

Knobhead.

Give it a shove. Come on.

- How did you get on?

- Honestly...

from start to finish,

it's just been such good fun.

We never just...never get time

to chill out a bit.

We're always on the move

doing a f*cking job, you know?

Geoff? What are you doing, Geoff?

- Hey, get away from that egg.

- I told you.

I warned you, didn't I?

You bunch of shithouses.

Geoff, come on, son!

f*ck you, Graham, f*ck you and

your pretentious f*cking patisserie.

You're a f*cking baker

in a cake shop. That's all you are!

Get back to your sandwiches,

you f*cking moron!

Did you hear any of that sh*t?

It's been f*cking awful. Like...

the worst f*cking night,

I swear to God... Hey, hey!

I've had an epiphany, though.

I realise I've just gotta stop...

I've gotta try and stop giving a sh*t

what people f*cking think of me.

I am, I'm just a shouty...

shouty nightmare.

Intense, frustrated twat of a man.

But I'm lucky. You know, I've been

blessed with this group of mates.

I mean, I'm looking at 'em now.

f*ck me, they're useless.

Tommo ate berries and shat himself.

..happiest hole

in f*cking England, there.

Oh, just beautiful.

I wouldn't change it

for the world, you know?

Yeah, I hear what you're saying.

What?! Have a what?

Have a f*cking...

Cancel your plans and dress

flamboyantly. Have I overdone it?

What kind of man has a maze?

Welcome.

It's my special exotic animal zoo.

This calls for a top-up. Oh.

We're stuck in the f*cking maze.

Let's keep this strictly business.

Violated in an exotic zoo.

Man, woman or tiny plastic foetus

covered in f*cking weird hair,

we're in it together.

♪ ..so much trouble in my mind

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind

♪ I got an eight-hour job

♪ And every day

My work, it gets so hard... ♪