If that's another f*cking Lithuanian
living in my roof...
Honestly!
You lot love attics!
Kip in the barn
and piss in the field.
It'll be a lot easier!
Aaaaaaaargh!
♪ THE BEATLES:
Money
f*cking hell!
Who's d*ed, then?
Oh, the Millers.
They were in a cult.
You might have
read about it. Dead messy!
But at least now
they're with their
Alien Overlord,
or whatever
the f*ck they
thought would happen
when they blasted
each other's
brains out. RIP.
You're er...
quite weird, you,
aren't you?
Oh, thanks
'Ey, if you ever
wanna come over
and try your hand
at embalming, just
er... give us a bell.
Might do.
f*cking hell!
I'm not ten.
Jesus Christ!
Do you know what I mean... Did you do
some sexy flirting up there?
No. f*ck off.I thought we were here
to sort my loft out!
We are! Are you
sure it's Cardi's
f*cking fault?
Vinnie, the rats
have made a nest
out of pizza boxes,
which didn't come from me,
cos I don't eat -Foreign food.
- foreign f*cking food!All right.
All right.There's too many
for traps, and poison - no chance.
My sheep might eat it.
Why would your sheep eat poison
in a f*cking loft in a barn?
Have you seen them goats
that can climb mountains?
Er...
Well, what's to stop a f*cking sheep
going up a ladder?
I couldn't help overhearing
that you've got a bad case
of the Rattus Rattus.
Given the scale of the problem,
right,
there's only one man you can trust
who can fix this.
f*cking Rat Catcher?
But you lads...
..can call me Curtis.
Hey, f*ck me, you never said
it were Curtis Plum!
Curtis Plum the DJ?
That's right, yeah.Ex-DJ.
Oh...I binned that hedonistic
lifestyle 15 years ago.
I heard you had a breakdown.
I had a f*cking epiphany!
[His bird shacked up
with another bloke
and he smashed up a Londis
with a cricket bat.]
I donated my decks to UNICEF
and realised what my true calling
in life was.k*lling rats?
Amen.
How much do you want
for f*ckin' murdering a ton of 'em
in his loft?
I don't work for money.
Well, neither do we, most of
the f*cking time, do we?
What do you want?I want
my old manager Mickey's ashes.
In his wife's house, in the lounge,
in an urn.
Here's the address.
Charming 'Ere, don't lose it.
Once they're in my possession,
I'll get rid of your rats.
How about that for a deal?
All right.We're gonna have
to hurry up on this, Vin.
If the council get wind of this,
I'm f*cked.
All right.I'm already
on a Section 1026 notice.Sound.
c**ts! It should've been
a Section 1045, if anything...
All right, now.
..or a Section 1022.
I did have a Section 1009 once -
Stop!- but that got overturned.
Shut the f*cking...
Stop saying numbers at me! Dickhead.
I'm gonna send our Ashley round
to scope out the scene.
If it's clear, we'll get that sh*t
for you tonight. Get gone. Go on.OK.
Buzzin'!
So I googled the wife, right?
Her name is Gina Mead.
She was in a girl band in the '80s
called Pink Ordeal
and has been on Top Of The Pops
not once, not twice,
but, would you believe it,
three times.Shut the f*ck up.
Listen to me.
We're robbing her f*cking house,
not writing her autobiography,
are we?Biography.Eh?
It'd be "biography". If we were
writing it, it'd be a biography.
"Auto" means "oneself".
Like "autofellate" -
to nosh yourself off.
Can you do that?If I've been
keeping up my Pilates, then yes.
I f*cking... I swear to God,
I'm gonna autofellate the lot of you,
if you keep wittering on.
You're getting on my tits.
Good evening, fellas.
sh*t.
Big fella, short fella,
chubby fella
and one with a hideous neck tattoo.
All right, weird...egg
with a moustache
I can have you for that - offensive
language.You f*cking started it!
I was just letting you know
that I've clocked you...up here,
in the old grey jotter!
f*ck me...
All fine. Carry on.
Bye, then.
Officer.
Turd...
f*cking hell.
What an idiot.f*cking idiot...
I can't find me f*cking eye hole!
sh*t!You f*cking lemon.
Don't drop it, you d*ck!
Just walk round.
You can just walk round, like this.
Oh, bollocks.
Right, come on.
Take 'em off.
What?Take the ballies off.
We look cool, though.
Shh, quiet. She might be inside.
Jesus... Crap!
What the f*ck?
You said there weren't any dogs
here, Ashley.That's not a dog.
It's a meerkat, or something.
Looks like a wig.It's a f*cking
dog. Get it before it barks.
God, dude, it's a mutant.
Hiya.His name's Tommo.
Look at his tag.
What?
It's called f*cking Little Tommo,
in't it?
Get in the f*cking house.
Ah, bingo.
What are you doing?Let me go, dude.
Me first, you f*cking lemon.
Shh!
Oh, f*ck.
There's four of them!
sh*t, which one's Mickey's, then?
Put that f*cking dog down.
My beloved spouse.
Love of my life. Darling husband.
I've got no f*cking idea.sh*t.
f*ck it, let's just take any of 'em.
Whoa!f*ckin' hell!You picked
the wrong house this time!
What are you doing?
Go and fight her!Yaaa!
Ow! f*ck me...
Bloody hell!
♪ d*ck DALE: Misirlou
Argh! f*ckin' hell!
She bit me, lads. Ow!
Oh...
Aaargh!
We're just here
for the urn
that has Mickey in it.
You what? Who sent you?
Eh?
It wasn't Curtis Plum, was it?
No, it weren't. No.
I'm gonna smash 'em all!
I'll punch your dog!
You wouldn't. Oh!
Go! Go in that van!
Curtis Plum's a f*cking liar!
Tell him I hope he gets
leprosy of the arsehole!
I swear, I thought she was
gonna smash that f*cking - Whoa!
Oof!
Er...
f*ck, dude!
I think I broke my nose again.
It's too big, Dad.
It's not too big..
There you go.
All right.Aww...
Thanks for the bike, Vin.
Oh, you're all right.
I haven't nicked it off a kid.
How's therapy going?
It's good.
Yeah?
Yeah, it's all right.
Do you feel like it's helping?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Yeah, it must be.
Yeah.
What's going on between us, Vin?
How do you mean?
Oh, come on. You know what I mean.
Erm...
f*cking hell, that seat's
too high up.It's fine.
It's not, cos if he falls off...
He won't fall off.
Just leave it.
Just let me have a fiddle with it.
Vin?I'll come back in a sec.
Come here to me. Show me a wheelie.
♪ SUPERTRAMP: Goodbye Stranger
I can't believe you sent
this Curtis Plum guy
your grandmother's ring!
Ah, I was 14 years old.
It's not like I did it last week.
Yeah, but why?Oh, everybody
knew him and wanted him...
..wanted to feel his body
pressed up against theirs
in a night of expl*sive passion!
Rumour had it...
..that he was a big lad...
Oh!
..and that he could ride you
till sunrise
and still have enough left
in the t*nk
to smash the gee out of you
and your best friend...Oh, God!
..after a light breakfast.
You know?
All right!
Peep, peep, m*therf*cker!
Someone's told me that you wanna meet
a decrepit old DJ.
CAROL: I'm getting the ring back.
f*cking hell, here we go.
Oh, God...
Fellas!Mm.
Ladies...
Are we sorted, or what? Did you
get 'em?Been a bit of a mishap.
Mishap, how?
Per-f*cking-fecto.
You happy?Mm.
Fabulous!
See?Do you fancy coming in
for a brew, or what?
Oh, yes, we would!
I can't...Can of worms, love.
f*ck... Come on, then, Sugar.
Is that cheese in there?
Yeah, and pickle
Dude, it is a sh*t hole
in here. What's the deal?
Come in, come in.We'll look around
as soon as he f*ckin' fucks off.
You just moved in, Curtis?
Well, yeah, sort of,
but it was about 2015...
..just after my Auntie Moira d*ed.
Yeah.
She used to like things neat.
Actually, guys,
can you just give me a minute?
I'm just gonna have
a little...tidy-up.Yeah, yeah.
You do that.
Thanks for having us.
Jesus, lads, this
place is like a m*rder*r lives here.
Hey!I swear to God.
Keep your f*cking voice down.
He's not a m*rder*r.
He's an oddly topless, sensual DJ.
Vincent, he's got hooks on the
f*cking ceiling and he kills rats.
Serial-k*ller sh*t, in't it?
Yeah, and he never wears a top.
Jeffrey Dahmer never wore a top.
Yes, he did.
Fred West wore tops.
Ted Bundy wore tops.
I've got a Ted Bundy top.
You've got a Ted BAKER top.
Stop talking about
what serial K*llers wore bloody tops!
He's a f*cking DJ - that's it.
He's a nice fella. He's sensitive.
He's a DJ - right,
cos they're all nice lads, them
Way-hay! Now, then.
Now, then.Now, then.
Thanks for having us.
Come in. Make yourself at home.
Right, yeah, just...Hey!
Sorry.
Do you have any chairs, or...
Jeez, chairs!
Look, I'm so used to not having any,
that I didn't even notice
that the...
There you are, love.
You're up the duff, aren't you?
It's not quite the phrase
I'd use, but...thanks.
I don't really have many visitors.
Just thinking out loud, but do you
reckon you don't have any visitors
cos you don't have any chairs?
Maybe I got rid of the chairs
cos nobody came round.
Yeah, I suppose so, yeah.
Jeez, I forgot Mickey!
Mickey... Hm!
Can you just excuse me a minute?
Actually, it would mean a lot...
..if you could all be there.
♪ THE HEAVY: Short Change Hero
Thanks. Thanks, guys.
Thanks for being here.
Pissing on him...
So long, you f*cking prick!
Ooh!
Hello!
Brew?
Sorry about
the er...eclectic array of cups,
but there is a lot of you,
in't there?
Dude, what's all this sh*t in here?
What do you mean?
What do you mean? It's madness.
It's madness, innit?
This can't all be from rat catching,
love.Well, you'd be surprised.
But yeah, you know,
once I had my er...
Mental breakdown?
Epiphany...
..I couldn't bear to be parted
from objects of great beauty.
Mm, I can see that,
but all this sh*t now, dude,
it's anxiety-inducing, the gaff.
I'm riddled with anxiety.
I've been here ten minutes.
I can't imagine how you feel!
There you go.
What can I say, brother?
Tidying just isn't my thing.
Mm.
I've thought about getting
someone in once,
but they just want money.
Unbelievable, eh? Some people!
Well, we can...
we can clean the house, can't we?
Yeah, yeah. Let us help you out,
get rid of all this mess.
I suppose a spring clean
might be good idea,
although a lot of this stuff
is very precious to me!
Valuable.
I've got some unopened nappies
somewhere in the house.
You can have them as payment.
Aww, thank you.
Well, that sorts that right out,
don't it? 'Ey, listen,
I want you up at Jim's farm
tomorrow morning, 9am.
Three, two, one.
He's two f*cking hours late, Vin!
For the love of Christ!
Listen, Rentokil give you
an 'alf-day window, didn't they?
So you're still up
on the f*cking deal. Stop whining!
Here he is, look.
Finally!
Morning.
Oh, here he is.
Efficient, I see
The right f*cking season,
at least I overslept.
It's a good job
you've been "paid" already,
because
I'd be docking your wages now.
I don't like your harsh attitude,
brother.
I'll come back when you're
full of peace and love.You'll have
a long f*cking wait, pal!
Hang on a minute! I'm sorry
about him. Just listen!
He's always been this way
and he has got a load of rats
shagging the life out of his loft,
so we need it sorting.
Council's pecking his head now,
aren't they?
So be f*cking nice.
Pretty please.
Hmm...
You prick.
Pillock!
So what's the sleeping bag for -
dead rat overflow
I like to nest in with them,
you know, till t'job's done.
And Mrs Ratcatcher's
happy with that, is she?
Mrs? No.
I'm young, free and single, brother.
It's not gonna be a problem,
me staying, is it, Vin?
Cos I think, you know, it's best
I'm out the way
while the girls clear the house
and you know...
it's gonna be tough for me
watching my life's work
disappear in the back of a van.
Absolutely. I get it, man. I get it.
It is no f*cking problem
whatsoever, is it?
Join the club!
Why not?
There's more knob ends
slept in that attic recently
than the f*cking Hilton
What do you want?
f*cking room service
That'd be lovely.
SUGAR: Oh, Jesus Christ!
We'd better start.
Eurgh! Bleurgh!
Whoa... Ah, maybe
we just forget about the ring.
It's not as if my gran
was that happily married.
No way! No!
Are you up for this, you?
Anything to take my mind off JJ.
Anyway, I'll need them gross nappies
that Curtis mentioned,
if I'm gonna be a single mum.
Listen, you are gonna be everything
what that baby needs, all right?
Anyway, you're not single -
you can stay at my house for as long
as you like.Mm. Right...
Where do we start?
Cousin Fergal will be over later
in his dead-nan van
and he will rid this place
in no time
and he will give us £200
for the pleasure.
All we have to do
is find that fecking ring.
No! Hey!
Do I look like f*cking Basil Fawlty?
It's in preparation.
Preparation. Preparation.
Is this a f*cking bed and breakfast?
Stop pestering me, will you?
Even the bloke with the terriers
said he could get the job
done in two days!
Still getting on, then
'Ere, lazy prick.
I'm not f*cking doing that sh*t for
you again. Don't get used to that!
Mate, I wasn't gonna leave this
tosser in my house by himself, Vin.
In fact,
I've changed my mind on those rats.
Lets just nuke
the f*cking lot of 'em!
OI!
Stop shouting, all right?
What is your f*cking beef
with him? He's a sweetheart.
He don't even wear tops, Vin...
and that's a black-belt w*nk*r move.
I need to give the rats full access
to my pheromones.Right.
He wants to be up there a week.
A whole f*cking week!He just don't
respect my methods, brother.
I heard him in the attic
reciting poetry to 'em!
Rats are highly intelligent mammals.
Rats are c**ts!
You've gotta gain their trust,
you see.
Gain their trust, then...bam!
What do you mean? You just twat 'em
with a stick?Pretty much.f*ck me!
How do you think I maintain
Well, it's...it's twatting rats
to death, in it?
I'm the Rat Master.
You need to trust what I'm doing,
trust my methods.
I actually invite them to leave
first, "mano a rato".
Then, if they don't...
♪ WET LEG: Chaise Longue
Aargh... Aaargh!
Oh, put them down!
Ooh!
Oh, heck...
♪ On the chaise longue
♪ On the chaise longue
On the chaise longue
♪ All day long
On the chaise longue
♪ On the chaise longue
On the chaise longue
♪ On the chaise longue
♪ All day long
On the chaise longue
♪ On the chaise longue
♪ On the chaise longue
On the chaise longue
♪ All day long
On the chaise longue
♪ On the chaise longue
♪ On the chaise longue
On the chaise longue
♪ All day long
On the chaise longue
♪ All day long
All day long on the chaise longue
We're never gonna get that smell
out of our nostrils.
♪ All day long
On the chaise longue ♪
I am in so much pain.
My neck...
All right, tell Fergal
it's the recycling next...
and then this is the stuff
that wants fixing...
and then this stuff
is good for resale, yeah?
We've not even a third way
through the house yet, are we?
You know, let's just call
them dickheads so they can help.
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah, we need help.
We need help.
Eight hours' manual labour
and all we've got to show for it
is some old boxes of cassettes
and this lot, which
I can only assume
is an old bit of acid.
You have that.No, no, no. I'm
on the straight and narrow, mate.
f*cking hell!
Let's look at that.
Red Balloons.Huh?
It's f*cking legendary, that stuff.
Jesus Christ!
All right. Straight and narrow.
All I'm saying is...
I'm not gonna take it, am I?
It's just....
It's a collector's item.
It's vintage, yeah.
Hang on...
Cardi, you angel, did you find it?
No, but...what's this?
Oh, that IS vintage! Oh...
It looks pagan.
Oh, what's it made of?
That doesn't feel like paper, that.
One way to find out.
Aaaargh!
What, what?
It's a...
..a "mammary papilla".
ALL: What?It's a nipple!
It's a f*cking nipple.
Is it the first dead nipple
you've had in your mouth?
It's some sort of animal skin
with tattoos.
Oh, my God, it's human.
BOTH: Waaaa!
I can still f*cking taste it!
I can taste it in my mouth!
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, TOMMO!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Very nice, yes.
Well done.
You, you - follow me.
Where?The one
place where I've
seen this symbol before.
Closed, my arse
WOMAN: I'm closed!
See what I mean? Unnecessary, that.
I said I'm closed!
I'm closed!
Right, yes, well, er...
it is quite important, so...
And I'm talking to dead people.
Ooh!
Anyway...
..do you know what this is?
Rings a bell.
It's an occult symbol I had drawn on
the wall to jazz the place up a bit.
No idea how it got on your map,
however. Hmm...
Map?
However, interesting.
Vellum.
Mm-hm.
Human.
Oh?Oh?Yeah...
Give you twenty quid for it.
Great.
'Ey, 'ey, 'ey, 'ey, Ashley... No.
Let's get out of here.
£30.
Woo!
'Ey, sticky fingers!
Huh!
Mmm...
♪
OK. Yeah, I'll ask him.
£100.
The spirits are very keen
for me to have it.Tommo?
Yeah, but crucially,
what you're saying is,
you're not gonna give us
any information?Right.
Very good, lads. Onwards.
It's cursed! The map is cursed!
I curse it - and I curse you, too,
you little w*nk*r.
Yeah, when you're 5'5" and
you hang around with these c**ts,
you're pretty much cursed as it is,
so I'll take my chances.
Erm, please, please can I buy
some crystals while I'm here?Sure.
Yes!
Why didn't we take the hundred quid?
That's more than anyone else will
pay for a soggy old bit of skin
we found in Plum's gaff.
Because, Ashley, you saw the look
on the woman's face.
Whatever this map leads to
is clearly worth more
than whatever she was offering.
You mean like a treasure?
No, not f*cking...
Well, yeah, treasure!
Treasure!
This is weird, right?
I just hate my f*cking hands!
They...they...they're odd to me.
My f*cking face is the same.
I'll look in the mirror.
Every now and then, it...it feels
like...it's not my face.
Like it doesn't belong to me.
I mean, I could just be
a bloody narcissist.
You know...thinks he's f*cking ugly,
or summat of that kind,
you know.
Hmm...
Well, we're all narcissists
to some degree, Vinnie.
Hmm...
We used to have this...
..fancy-dress thing
once a year at school.
'Because Dad was always drunk,
it was, like, last minute.
Everything was last minute,
so we'd have to pull together
some sort of a f*cking outfit
from around the house...
..so I remember once, I wore
a snorkel with the bloody goggles...
..and them f*cking flipper things.
When we got to school,
my dad sort of announced me
as f*cking Snorkel Boy,
or some sh*t like that.
He found it hilarious...
but I suddenly got
really f*cking embarrassed.
No-one laughed at it.
They just...
stared.'
Oh, that must have been hard.
Do you remember how it affected
that little boy?
I wanted to get away from it all,
wanted to disappear,
become invisible.
Invisible?Mm.
Why?
Just how much of a f*cking ugly
little weirdo must I be
to be stared at like that,
by the teachers
and by the kids...
Do you think that's why you
constantly change your appearance?
You know, the tattoos and stuff...
Rather than to be noticed,
you become unrecognisable
and therefore invisible?
Maybe, actually, yeah.
I just...I don't...
..feel like it's bloody vanity,
do you know what I mean?
I've just...I've never liked
the way I looked - never.
Bloody hell!
Sometimes, when that goes off,
I'm furious
and the rest of the f*cking time
I'm just relieved.
Homework.
"I must not call myself
an ugly c**t,"
and I have to write it down
a hundred times - is that it?
No, I want you to be more aware
of other people's feelings.
Seek first to understand,
then be understood.
Hmm.
It didn't work, by the way.
What's that?
You're not invisible. I can see you.
All these are from my loft?
Yeah.
Good job you don't charge
by the kilo
What did I tell you, Jim?
Trust me.
Trust you?
I know your type: ex-pretty boy,
never done an 'ard day's work
in your life!
Spraying it about all around town,
but can't turn your hand
to anything manual.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
One, I'm highly trained.
I'm the best.
Then why haven't you finished
the f*cking job yet?
Two, I don't go f*cking "spraying it
around town".
Not any more, anyway.
Not since er...Gina.
Is that the ex
who battered the lads?
Fantastic woman, Jim.
Sounds like
a total f*cking nightmare.
Spirited...
Strong thighs...
Hey...
We've all had women who make us cry.
Yeah.
Whether they break our hearts
or run off...
..with our new and very f*cking
expensive milking equipment.
Just...make sure
you're finished by tonight.
When you said Tommo sounded weird
on the phone...I don't know.
Well, what did he say?
He said he was at "The Lady" pub -
where the map leads, apparently.
Found any treasure yet, Tom?
Treasure?
No, no, no.
I'm looking for bones.
Yeah, she's er...
helped me realise what's going on.
Obvious, when you think about it!
The garden of The Lady...
is bones.
Sorry, who's this - Clara Marie?
No, you f*cking idiot - the f*cking
ghost lady from the Rat and Cutter!
She hmm...
Oh! Gotta fill you, hadn't I?
I've had...a vision.
Help me, Tommo...
Find me, Tommo...
She wants me to put her flesh
and her bones back together.
This was a dream?
More of a sort of waking nightmare
sort of situation, yeah.
Tommo, sorry, you haven't had
any of that old acid, by any chance?
I did, because it were vintage,
right?
But you promised Hans you wouldn't.
How about we don't tell Hans
that I've had it, then?
Go on, then, how was it?
It was...piquant, yet...intense.
Yeah.
Anyway, she wants me to get
her bones back,
otherwise she's gonna have
to come and k*ll us all, so...
..better get on with it!
Bones?
Bones!
Aww...
Vincent?
All right, Davey?
I've been better.
Hmm.
All right.
Never did get to thank you properly
for the funeral.
It was really very lovely...
till it all went tits up.
Ah, it was my pleasure man. Honestly.
I mean, it wasn't a f*cking pleasure,
was it?
It was a shagging nightmare,
but you know what I mean.
It's fine. I'm glad I could help.
Just a shame our Barry
didn't get to see for himself
just how loved he was.
f*cking did get to see, though.
That f*cking lunatic! Jesus Christ.
I still can't believe he's gone.
Mm.
Miss him terribly.
I f*cking bet you do. I bet you do.
Look, you're not on your own, man.
You know, you've got
your sister Donna.Donna's a c**t.
Right. Right, then.
I mean, that's f*cking news to me,
dude.
Do not f*ck with her, Vincent.
I'm telling you this as a friend.
I'm glad I could help you
with your brother's funeral,
but you're not a friend. I can't
trust you after that Dylan fiasco.
What makes you so sure
that I had anything to do
with Dylan going missing?
I was extremely fond of Dylan.
Manolito has told me...
that he rescued him from the back
of that f*cking car boot!
And you believe him?
Yes!
How very naive of you, Vincent.
I've had a f*cking text
from Dylan himself!
I f*cking know it was you, Davey.
Do not f*ck with her.
f*cking... f*ck's sake...
I hope you were trying
to make him see sense
and not just poncing about.
Slowly, slowly, catchee monkey.
What the f*ck does that mean?
I've got some intel...
about the pretty one.
Still f*cking here?
Heartbroken or not,
I've f*cking had enough of this!
Oh, yeah?
Oh, f*ck...
If you got rid of them all,
why are you still
in my f*cking loft?
I like it up here.
It stinks of rat piss!
You lot, you've...
you've been so good to me.
You know, cleaning my house,
and that, you know, and...
and our little chats.
You mean me shouting at you?
It's been a long time
since I've had this kind
of connection with someone.
Hey, we do not have a connection!
And you know, my house, it's just..
It's too much, innit?
You know, it's noisy
and it's chaotic and...
Well, up here in your little attic,
I've...
..I've found peace.
I'm not ready to let it go just yet.
She really did a number on you,
didn't she?
Hey, peace is up here.
What you need is some closure.
Mm...Maybe...
..post a turd through her letterbox
and tell her how much of a whore
she was for ruining your life!
I always hope one day
that I'll, you know, win her back.
Maybe not the turd thing then, 'ey?
I never stopped loving her, Jim.
It's her face I see
in every single rat that I k*ll.
Don't tell her that, either.
Hey, the girls have probably
cleared your house by now.
Yeah.
You should go home.
Aye.
Have a shower...
..and put a f*cking shirt on...
..and see how you feel.
Come here.
♪ T REX: Cosmic Dancer
♪ I was dancing when I was 12
BFF, bro.
BFF.
♪ I was dancing when I was 12 ♪
Ha, ha! I knew it.
I f*cking knew it!
Bones!
CLARA MARIE: You know nothing,
you f*cking idiot.
What's she doing here?
We asked her to come.
She's got something to tell you
about the map.
Whatever you think is going on,
it isn't.
What I think is going on is,
I need to reunite this bit of flesh
with these bones,
so the poor lost soul
they belonged to won't wreak revenge
from beyond the grave.
Obvious, in't it?
Well, if not, why have I found
a load of bones here, then?
It's a pub garden - probably
chicken bones from a barbecue.
No, no, no, no, no.
That could be her foot bone, mate!
Ha, ha, ha! I'm doing it.
I'm doing it.
No, no, no!
Stop burying my map. Stop it!
What do you mean, "your map"?
My map. Moira Plum was my lover.
Moira?
What, the Rat Catcher's auntie?
Why was she
drawing nipples on maps for you?
She was my lover and my teacher.
We've all been there.
I used to have a fella came round
and teach me maths - Mr Mackintosh.
He taught me a fair few more things
than maths, I tell you that much!
No, not a schoolteacher!
She was a clairvoyant - my mentor.
That map was a gift for me...
..but we had a huge row and
never spoke again so...
Hang on.
So your clairvoyant ex-lover...
drew you a map on human skin?
Yeah, we were always doing
fun stuff like that.
It's esoteric, innit?
I mean, it also a bit weird.
Parking all that,
where's the treasure?Treasure?
"X marks the spot"?
Coins, and all that?
No, that's not treasure!
The "X" marks Moira's favourite
erogenous zone on my body.
You know, just inside
the "lady garden".
Yeah, so the treasure
she wanted me to find was my own...
you know...
No, I don't know.
She means her G-spot, Cardi!
Oh.
Give her that.
Give me it.
I tell you what, Ashley, Cardi...
I'm just gonna say this and
I'm gonna say it out loud, right?
If I go and do any dr*gs again,
just stop me.
Just f*cking stop me.
Right.
Thank you, Jim.
Don't you f*cking dare tell them
that I was nice to you.
Now f*ck off!
Sorry we didn't find the ring,
Carol.
Ah, do you know what, Erin?
Doesn't matter.
She would have been very proud of us
now, with this deep clean.Yeah!
sh*t...There he is.
Good deeds are repaid.Hmm...
Here we go.
ALL: ♪ Ta-daa! ♪
What the f*ck!
Oh, my God!
Sweet Auntie Moira.
It's amazing.
What's that smell?
Citrus detergent.Fresh.
The smell of clean, innit?
ALL: Mm-hm.
Bloody hell,
I could get used to this.
How can I ever repay you?
Ah, don't worry about it.
And after finding this box of cock
rings, we're sorted.
I'm happy.I were looking everywhere
for them the other day.
'Ere...
A fan sent me this years ago
with a letter.
It meant a lot at the time.
You have it...as a "thank you".
Thank you.
Thanks very much.
I know it is.
It's been on his hand
the whole f*cking time!
Oh, pardon f*cking me
for not inspecting the man's hands!
For f*ck's sake, Carol.
Oh, shut up, the pair of you.
Ladies? Ladies...
Can we have a group hug?
OK....
Oh...
Is that rat piss?Yeah.
Mmm, it's nice.
Just breathe in.
Bugger...
Thank the girls for me again,
will you?
They didn't just clear my house,
they cleared my head.
Mm!
A wise man once said
that peace is up there, man.
Yeah, well, he's f*cking right.
I think it also involves not having
a shitload of crap in your house
driving you insane,
do you know what I mean?Mm.
Good lad.
One love, bruv.
'Ey, 'ey, 'ey, 'ey, 'ey. Listen.
I'm gonna be thinking about you.
Go on, get gone.
♪ JEFF BUCKLEY:
Lover, You Should've Come Over
f*cking handsome!
♪ Looking out the door
♪ I see the rain
♪ Fall upon the funeral mourners
Curtis Plum.
I'm sorry, Gina...for everything.
They're real.
♪ Maybe I'm too young
♪ To keep good love from going wrong
Wait.
Curtis...
♪ Too deaf, dumb and blind to see
♪ The damage I've done
Oh, God!
♪ Sweet lover
Oh, f*ckin' hell. f*ck me...
Oh!What? Get in...
f*ck! Get in the house!
Christ,
I wish I had a libido like that.
♪ Lover, lover, lover
♪ Lover, love, love
♪ Love, love, love, love, love
♪ Lo-o-o-o-over ♪
AUTOMATED VOICE:
"The person you are calling has..."
f*ck!
For f*ck's sake...
CARDI: Yoda's had her
caravan nicked.sh*t!
Shocking business, this is!
I want to offer ten grand
for its return.
He probably stashed all his fortune
in it.That's what it is!
It's definitely the McGuigans.
They must've hid it
up behind that hill there.
♪
WOMAN: Bastard!
What the f*ck?
♪ SIR JOE QUARTERMAN:
So Much Trouble In My Mind
♪ I got so much trouble in my mind
♪ I got so much trouble in my mind
♪ I got so much trouble in my mind
♪ Give me the strength to carry on
♪ Give me the strength to carry on
♪ Cos everything
I got is just about gone ♪
05x05 - Ratcatcher
Watch/Buy Amazon
Follows the lives of Vinnie O'Neill and his friends as they live their lives in the fictional northern English town of Hawley.
Follows the lives of Vinnie O'Neill and his friends as they live their lives in the fictional northern English town of Hawley.