02x11 - Wheelers of Fortune

[bunniefuu]

Fred Hilderman is charged with operating

an illegal vehicle
down the West Side Highway.

Your Honor, the defendant
was caught driving this to work

in an attempt to make
his morning commute "radical."

We ask for leniency, as this vehicle

is far less annoying
than those Bird scooters.

Surprised you feel that way.

You love watching people
fall off things.

As for you,
$200 fine and traffic school.

- Sorry to burst your bubble.
- [AIR HISSING]

Wait. You don't have any
horrible diseases, do you?

Too old. Too small.

Oh! Those bushes are out of control.

What dating app are you on?

I'm looking at real-estate listings.

I've only found one place
above 63rd in my price range.

It was a middle bunk in a hostel,

and I lost it to a Saudi prince.

Today just keeps getting better.

I rescued a cab from an old man
trying to wave it down.

Then I heard a barista say, "Deb."

I thought, "Close enough." Free coffee!

Now I find out you can't afford
an apartment near mine?

Nothing can ruin this day.

Uh, Dan, your clients

in the next case wanted to talk to you.

Mr. Fielding! We meet again.

If I don't turn around...

are they really there?

[GRUMBLES LOUDLY]

- Bob and June Wheeler.
- [THUNDER CRASHES]

What the hell? It's not even raining.

The Wheelers! My dad
told me all about them.

They're the two unluckiest people

to ever step foot in this courtroom.

And that includes the guy who
drove a truck full of black cats

through the world's largest mirror.

Unlucky? Really? Pbht.

- What a bunch of superstitious bull...
- [THUNDER CRASHES]

- Okay. That was inside thunder.
- [THUNDER SHEET RATTLING]

Check out this evidence
for the next case!

The cops busted a black-market
sound-effects ring.

[TIRES SCREECH, GOAT BLEATS]

[BOING, g*n FIRES, WHISTLE]

It's gonna be a fun night.

Well, after 30 years,

this place hasn't changed one bit.

Judge Stone. You look the same.

I am really excited to meet you.

I know you guys look like
the Great Depression,

but you make me so happy.

The charge is animal hoarding.

It all started when
our Great-Grandma Wheeler

recently d*ed.

I'm sorry.

- Your great-grandmother recently d*ed?
- Yes.

Our bad grandma is still with us.

As someone who has heard
your stories before,

could we skip the next,
I don't know, three calamities

and get to the point?!

Granny left us a Manhattan townhouse,

a charming two-bed, two-bath,

and haunted as the day is long.

Those poor ghosts.

Luckily, we knew how to
get rid of them suckers.

Sacrifice a sheep.

But when we got the sheep,
we fell in love with him.

It was just friend love.

We couldn't k*ll him.
So we got another sheep.

And then we fell in love
with that sheep, too.

That happened another 74 times.

At least we thinkit was 74.

Every time we try counting them,
we fall asleep.

Can a lawyer plead insanity?

Your Honor, for what
it's worth, the home

was actually certified haunted by...

"Jovan the Psychic." [JO-VAN]

Shut the front door!

Jovan [JO-VAUN] is the most
respected psychic in New York!

It takes four years
to book a session with her!

Unless you're dead. Then she's
got all the time in the world.

Objection! The law does not
recognize the paranormal.

And these two definitely
aren't a "pair of normal."

$500 fine. And get those
sheep to a farm.

Just don't count and drive.

[EXCITEDLY] I can't believe
I saw the Wheelers!

[ANGRILY] Can't believe
I saw the Wheelers.

Hey, Wyatt, whenever you get a chance,

could you get me
their contact information?

I thought you stopped
sending edible arrangements

to everyone you convict
after that study showed

it led to a rise in crime.

v*olence is down since
I switched to cookie cakes.

I want to ask the Wheelers
to put me in touch with Jovan.

Their psychic? Oh, come on.

You don't believe in all that nonsense.

I think there's a lot
that can't be explained...

ghosts, psychics...

how Diane Lane is still a smoke show.

There are secret stores for rich people.

How many times
do I have to tell you that?

I'm with the judge on this.

Diane Lane? Mwah!

And also the universe
is full of mysteries.

It's not all black-and-white.

Yeah, like people can be green or red.

If she starts saying crazy
stuff, I take back my support.

It's called synesthesia.

Whenever I meet someone,
I see them as a color.

Like Gurgs is a Green,
and you two are Reds.

Red? Seems, uh, not great.

- No offense.
- None listened.

The colors don't mean anything.
They're totally random.

Like, Gandhi is a Green,
and Stalin is a Red.

Gandhi and Stalin don't seem random!

You know, I knew your father believed

in all this hocus pocus,

but I was kind of hoping
it skipped the generation.

My dad was into magic tricks,

but he didn't believe
in anything supernatural.

Debating it turned into
a little hobby for us.

Some kids go with their parents
to baseball games

and argue "Mets versus Yankees."

My dad and I would go
to haunted houses and psychics

and argue "real versus grift."

- We're actually still debating it.
- Still?

Before he d*ed, we made a deal.

If I could find a psychic who
would repeat the secret phrase

that only my dad and I knew,

it would prove there really
was more out there.

Yeah, well, I got to say,
I like the idea

of family arguments going into eternity.

What I would give to yell in
Mom's face just one more time.

So far, no psychic has gotten it right.

And, believe me, I've tried.

But Jovan is supposed to be the best.

And I think the Wheelers are my way in.

Oh, the Wheelers are your way
into only two things...

a Ponzi scheme or a building
that's about to collapse...

during a sheep orgy.

Hey, has the judge done that
thing where she tells you...

I'm a Green. Olivia's a Red.

So I'm a Dan, a Stalin, and an Olivia?

- It doesn't mean anything.
- Of course you’d say that.

You're the good one.

Maybe there is something to it.

I'm a cursed Red!

And that's why I can't find an apartment

that I don't have to share with
the cats who legally own it.

How dare you joke about curses
when you know

I was given one by an ex-boyfriend

who is also a practicing witch.

Gurgs, we've been over this.
You are not cursed.

Then how do you explain
that every time I'm in line,

it's the bad one?

Airport security. Grocery store.

Remember that log-flume expl*si*n?

Two hours to make it to the
front, then, boom, no flume.

Any luck getting in touch
with the Wheelers?

Not really.

On their intake form,
under "phone number,"

they wrote "Big fire."

And their e-mail address is

Wheelers3@russian-scam.scam.

Gotta figure out a way to smoke 'em out.

What if I get some glasses,

dust off my German accent,
and post an ad as...

[GERMAN ACCENT] Dr. Glossheimer,
a grief therapist

for people who lost
zheir fluffy white sheep?

Good idea. Now...

try it with the accent.

[GERMAN ACCENT] Or you could
just look over zair.

Do you sell bird repellent?

When we left the courthouse,

we were descended upon
by a vengeful m*rder of crows.

They flew us several blocks

before we successfully broke free.

I hope my robe doesn't make me
look too much like a crow.

- Aah!
- Oh, no! Not again!

You found us guilty,

so I'm afraid we can't help you
with Jovan [JO-VAN].

Like the crow, Bob is quite vengeful.

Also like the crow,

I've got the problem-solving
skills of a third grader.

I really need to talk to her,

and I'm willing to do
whatever it takes...

although I'd like to keep my organs.

Any wiggle room on the kidneys?

It's just that they're really in there.

You could babysit our
little Carol Ann for a few days

while we relocate our sheep.

Sure. In high school, I was
the most popular babysitter

in Skaneateles...

after that show-off St. Bernard
who could dial 911!

Carol Ann! Get in here!

That is more baby
than I'm used to sitting.

So, did she say she'd give me a kidney?

She ain't sick. She just
likes playing with 'em.

Ho! Your Honor.

How did you get to work?
Did you roll here?

It was kind of a rough day.

Babysitting in Manhattan
is way different than upstate.

This entire city
is one big, sharp object.

What were you babysitting? A wolverine?

Judge Stone, I know you said
to stay in your chambers,

but I'm gonna head back
to the subway track

and see if I can reach that nickel!

Please not again!
Just go sit in the gallery.

Here. Here's a twenty.
That's like a thousand nickels!

Paper money?!

I feel like a Kennedy!

That's a Wheeler.

Why do you have one?

You need to get as far away
from those people as possible!

You say that about everyone.

True, but even your father would say

- that they are a magnet for disaster!
- Achoo!

In most workplaces,
when the ceiling falls down,

we'd leave, but here...

- first up!
- Oh! We're sorry to interrupt,

but, um, we have to
get married right now.

She's my good-luck charm. I'm
going up into space tomorrow,

so I need all the luck I can get.

Aww. Don't you just wanna hug 'em?!

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Carol Ann, you best

be fixing to sit on those hands!

You can use my rings.
They've always brought me luck!

Carol Ann, put the rings
back on your feet...

your feet back in those shoes...

and pay them no never mind.

Uh, She pronounces you man and
wife. Good luck in space! Go!

[NORMAL VOICE] Enjoy your honeymoon!

Oh, just...

Thirty-four...

thirty... five...

Hey, Gurgs. Do you have a minute?

I have exactly "one sock
in change" amount of time.

Now, I know everyone says
the colors don't matter,

but I've asked around and
haven't found one decent Red.

We've got the Crotch-Watcher
and the Bathroom Cryer.

Not the one who actually cries,
but the one who runs in

with the bell and shouts news.

If it makes you feel
any better, I remember

Abby saying that she's a Red,
and she seems nice.

- [HISSES]
- I forgot about the hissing.

Aw, dang! I lost count!
I'll just start over.

One... two...

- She's a Red, isn't she?
- Big-time.

Three... four...

I'm going to assume that
you're ringing out a jacket

for totally normal reasons.

Carol Ann jumped into a fountain

because she thought it was "money soup."

There's got to be a better way
to get Jovan.

Or maybe she’ll get you.

Jovan is here?
This is a crazy coincidence.

Unless forces that we can't understand

made this happen.

I made it happen.

I did a favor for the Wheelers,
and they helped you

jump the line with this...
Fleetwood Mac B-side.

I just helped them find a sucker
to buy their haunted brownstone.

Guess who's a homeowner!

You just made a terrible investment.

[HUSHED] Maybe she is good.

I want you to relax.

Free your mind and let the spirit in.

- Focus on the silence and be at...
- Achoo!

I'm just allergic to whatever
kind of nuts you two are.

Are you sure you want him here for this?

Oh, yeah. Pull at all
the threads you want, Dan.

You're about to see Jovan
push through the thin veil

that separates our world from the next.

You know, it's not really a veil.

It's more like those things at
the car wash that kind of go...

And then the spirit is more like

that inflatable guy outside
the car wash that goes...

See, Dan? She's putting this
in earthly terms

that we can understand.

You don't own a car!

Alright. If you're the
real deal, tell me this.

Who's gonna win
the Bulls-Knicks game tonight?

The spirit tells me
fortune favors the bovine!

The Bulls. [CHUCKLES]

They're down by 9 with 10 seconds left!

They couldn't win if they were playing

with three balls and a jetpack!

Jovan, you've seen the future.
Does he ever shut up?

It's okay, Abby.
I'm used to being dowb-ted.

That's right...
I pronounce the "B" in "doubt."

The silent letters speak "throog-uh" me.

"Faskinating."

I sense that you're searching...

not for answers,

but for a message... from your father.

Hear that, Dan? She knows
about the secret message.

He wants to tell you that you...

Heeey! I'm sorry to interrupt.

Just, uh, had a quick question
for your spooky friend.

Olivia, Jovan's a very busy psychic.

Oh, sorry. Uh... "Puh-sy-chick"?

- Am I doing that right?
- No.

It'll only take a minute.

I just purchased a house
that you certified haunted,

and I'm just wondering, like,
how haunted is it?

Are we talking the walls bleed

or twin girls standing in the hallway?

'Cause I got no patience for kids.

- Not the time. So where were we?
- She was just getting ready

to make up something about your father.

Ah, yes. The message.
It's becoming clearer!

Oh! Good. Y'all are just hanging out.

I got a quick question for Jovan.

Is it Jo-vaun or Jo-van?
Oh! No! That's not my question!

Undo! Undo!

Gurgs, you're gonna have to wait.

Waiting is exactly the problem.

I'm cursed, and I'm willing to
try anything to get rid of it.

Uh, mugwort, mantras, molly.

I don't think
that last one's gonna work,

but it'll make standing in line
a lot more fun!

[CHUCKLES]

- I'm gonna close the doors.
- [GRUNTS]

- Make me a Green!
- Cannot be done.

You're a Red. You're gonna die a Red.

Alright. Everybody, just shut up!

W... We have to listen
to what Jovan has to say!

Thank you, Dan. Wait. Why?

She was right!
The Bulls came back and won!

Oh, she is the real deal.

Great mystic, I apologize
for ever doubting you.

Please, please tell us the
mysteries of the universe...

specifically should I bet on
the Lakers or the Warriors?

Enough!

Abby, your father is here,

and he does have a message.

He wants you to know

that he is so very proud of you...

and that nothing makes him happier

than seeing you in his chair.
[INHALES DEEPLY]

And now his presence has left us.

I can't believe it.

I've been searching and searching,

and now I finally know.

You're completely full of [BLEEP]!

- What?!
- That wasn't the message!

Wait! I'm getting another message.

It's kind of fuzzy,
but I think he wants us

to say it at the same time.

- b*at it, phony!
- b*at it, Froggy!

I'm also getting a message
from your mother.

She's still alive!

Well, she just wants
her casserole dish back!

- [KNOCKING]
- You here to gloat?

Well, you do know
how I like being right...

but this is one time
I was hoping I was wrong.

- That makes two of us.
- Hm.

You know, Jovan may have been a fraud,

but all this talk about Harry
over the last few days

- made it feel like he was here.
- I like that.

I really felt that, too.

Truth is, I... I know
I don't need a psychic

to feel close to him.

I see him in everything.

Whenever I watch an old noir movie

or listen to Mel Tormé...

bang that gavel...

... he's right there.

But, still, I...
I can't help wanting more time.

I thought if a psychic could give me

one more tick of the clock,
just one more second...

... I wanted it.

Maybe that's just not gonna happen.

Well, you know, I... I don't know.

Seen some pretty crazy stuff
just in this courthouse.

You know, once, a ventriloquist dummy

k*lled itself
by jumping out that window.

So who knows... maybe somebody out there

knows your little code.

So... what the hell? Keep searching.

I mean, just go grab

every Ouija-wielding whack job in town

until you find it.

You don't think that's crazy?

Oh, no. It's certifiably insane.

- [BOTH LAUGH]
- But you know what?

Sometimes you've got to
bet against the house

even when you know the game is rigged.

Where did... Where did you hear that?

I don't know.
I think it's the first time

I've ever put that
combination of words together.

- That was the message.
- What?!

What, are you saying
that I'm Harry's vessel?!

Fine. Fine. I'm a vessel.

I mean, you know him. Always
has to have the last word.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[DAN SIGHS]

Thank you for the extra time, Dan.

Hm. [DAN SIGHS]

Hm...

Just... Ugh. Alright.
Fine, fine, fine, fine.

[DAN SNIFFLES]

Raven, thank you so much for coming.

I really need you to lift this curse.

I thought we were getting back together.

Well, I'm sorry,
but I'm saving up all my magic

to dunk a basketball.

Let's go, Darryl!

Gurgs, I may not be able to
change the fact that I'm a Red,

but I can change
what it means to bea Red.

- Hold this onion.
- Why am I holding this onion?

Because I figured out
how to get rid of your curse.

Close your eyes.

Boop!

The curse is in the onion now.

Hmm. Only one way to find out.

[GASPS] My wait time is zero minutes.

Hello? Uh, uh, will you
finally install my cable?

Oh! You're at my house
right now! Ha! I gotta go!

- Here's the mailbox key, Miss Moore.
- Ah.

This'll pair nicely
with the hammer I have to use

to flush the toilet.

FYI, one sheep is missin',

so there's a good chance
Cody's still stuck in the wall.

Ha! Another 3-pointer for the Knicks,

just as the spirits foretold!

[SIGHS] So, what, you're psychic now?

Oh, oh, you know, labels are so gauche.

I prefer "god amongst men"...

who's gonna make a k*lling
on the Knicks,

and nothing can stop me!

Groovy. We bet on the Knicks, too.

- No!
- You know that onion's cursed, right?

A free onion's a free onion.

If you bet on the Knicks, that means...

Unbelievable! A sheep is loose
on the court!

It looks like the Knicks
may have to forfeit!

Oh! There's Cody!

[TABLET CLATTERS]

Why are you even here?

The missus and I are finally

taking our honeymoon on Hart Island.

That's where the city
buries its unclaimed dead.

They're dropping me off with my sitter.

[ECHOING] Check it out!

I found a way to safely
be around the Wheelers.

See? I'm okay.