01x10 - Curs-ed

[bunniefuu]

[THROUGH GONAD] Can you hear me now?

DJ: Roger. Loud and clear.

- [THROUGH GONAD] What about now?
- Affirmative hearing.

- 10-4.
- [LAUGHS]

Wow, this thing's
actually pretty dang cool!

Yeah, I've been waiting weeks
for my GONAD to come in.

Your GONAD?

Geo-Orbital Noise Attenuation Device.

Total game-changer.

Connects right to my hearing aids.

I can even choose which direction

I want it to pick sound up from.

And if that wasn't thrilling enough,

it also looks just like...

The memory eraser from Men in Black.

- The neuralyzer.
- Yeah!

[LIKE EDGAR FROM MEN IN BLACK]
Sugar! Water!

Ah, the golden age of cinema.

So true.
Well, I should probably head back.

I didn't mean to sidetrack ya.

No, no, no, I welcome the distraction.

Our line cook is in the hospital,

my barback called in "tired,"

and Eddie's been
working such crazy hours

to afford the wedding that...

I barely see him anymore.

That's rough.

How's the wedding planning going?

It's, uh...

It's good!

Huh. I could swing by
later and give you a hand.

I've always wanted to work in a bar,

but I never really hear well enough.

But now with my trusty new device,

I think I'm GONAD-do it!

You're right, that was bad.

Beep-boop-beep!

Don't remember the
neuralyzer making that noise.

You wouldn't, would you?

[CHUCKLES] Well,
it picks up around midnight,

so if you can swing it,
I'd love the help.

Oh, I can swing it.
I'll be back by midnight.

- Promise?
- You can count on me.

Dude, you're never gonna believe this,

but I was asking Gwen how
the wedding planning's going,

and she pitched up on the word "good."

- "Good!"
- An octave change?

Damn, that does mean
trouble in paradise.

- Mm-hm.
- So you're sure you heard her right?

One million percent. How, you ask?

With my incredible new listening device.

- Listening device, huh?
- Mm-hm.

[LOUD FART]

♪

JEN: I'm truly sorry,

but we can't buy or
offer trade-in for just

one single Victorian riding glove.

Is this because I am old and frail?

Oh, no, it's, um,

because people tend to
buy gloves in pairs.

You know, one, two.

I will spank you with my clog,
you disobedient ogre!

Oh! Uh, again, I'm very sorry,

but we're about to close,
so if you wouldn't mind...

[IN A WHISPER] Det v... mors!

- [THUNDER CRACKLES]
- [CREEPY MUSIC]

Yeah, we still can't buy it,

but thank you so much for coming in.

Uh-huh. Take care now.

[EERIE MUSIC]

Did you hear that?

Yeah. She just put a curse on you, man.

Okay, relax, I'm not cursed.

It's actually pronounced "curs-ed."

Mmph, mmph! Hot, hot, hot!

Ooh, is that hot?

- Mmm... mm-hm!
- That's the curse.

[THUNDER CRACKLES]

CYNTHIA:
Gather 'round for the commencement

of my favourite night of the year.

Inventory night!

Woo!

What is more fun than staying up
till the wee hours of morning

meticulously cataloguing?

DJ: Well, riddle me this.

Uh, why does it have
to be inventory night?

Why not inventory... evening?

Because we stay up until
the wee hours of the morning

- meticulously cataloguing?
- CYNTHIA: As always,

boxed wine will be provided,

except for underage Keeran;
He'll get some boxed juice.

Yes!

Feel free to indulge so long
as every item in the store

is logged, matched, and accounted for.

Well, here's a thought.

Uh, how about this year,
we challenge ourselves

and we focus on speed
and agility, right?

- Think fast!
- [PENS BOUNCES ON COUNTER]

Inventory is not a sprint,
it's a marathon.

DJ: Totally, totally, but...

remember that the quickest
person in a marathon wins.

CYNTHIA:
It's about accuracy here, folks.

Yeah, but moving with speed in mind.

CYNTHIA:
Why would we rush a beautiful ritual?

Does Santa rush his gift-giving?

Yes.

The point is, you can do something fast,

or you can do it right.

I'm a proponent of slow and wrong,

but I do appreciate
getting paid to imbibe.

Is that a 2014? Mama like!

[LOUD SIPPING]

Mmm... Free.

Ha-ha!

All that Danish lady said was
"det var mors,"

which translates to
"it was my mother's."

Boom, no curse.

Didn't sound like Danish to me.

It sounded more like "det vos mors,"

which translates to... oh-ho-ho...

What? What is it?

"Death will give you" in Latin.

Yeah, I see
what you're trying to do here.

A lot of athletes fall prey
to silly superstitions,

but not this guy, 'cause I am...

[PHONE BUZZING]

Oh, that's weird. It's my coach's son.

Oh, that's curious.

JEN: Hello?

Oh, no...

Oh, good!

Oh, God...

[SIGHS] That's lucky.

Oh, how horrible!

Oh, what a relief!

Oh, dear lord!

[WAYNE SIPPING IN BACKGROUND]

Oh...

My javelin coach was in a car accident.

Oh, no.

- It was only a fender bender.
- Oh, good.

- But he got a concussion.
- Oh, God.

- Luckily he was minutes from the ER.
- Well, that's lucky.

But then at the hospital,
they found a tumour.

Oh, how horrible.

- But what do ya know, it's benign!
- Oh, what a relief.

But then he got food poisoning
from the hospital cafeteria.

- I'm talking life-threatening diarrhoea.
- Oh, dear lord.

But that lucky son of a bitch,
he's gonna survive.

But he's in no state to fly,

so he's gonna miss the Olympics.

See, I told you... she's a witch!

[SCOFFS] Nice try.

Yeah. No, this is fine.

I am as coached as can be.
I am definitely not cursed.

- You mean "curs-ed"?
- [LOUDLY] I don't, Wayne!

[CLEARS THROAT] I'm not shaken.

I'm unshakeable.

- [THUNDER CRACKLES]
- [JEN SCREAMS]

[CREEPY MUSIC]

You... you see that, too, right?
That is definitely a ghost!

That is not a ghost.

That's my daughter.

Virginia? What are you doing here?

[IN A WHISPER] That is your daughter?

Dad went out and I was too
scared to stay home all alone.

What if someone broke in and
no one was there to protect me?

Aww.

- Can I stay?
- Of course you can stay, V.

An extra set of hands to help
speed along inventory night.

Ah! Virginia has Bible study homework.

You can do it in the office, my angel.

You keep your hormonal little paws

far away from my innocent angel,

or I will fire you faster
than you can say "yes, boss!"

Capiche?

Blow-tally. Totally!

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

[WOLF HOWLING]

DJ: [SIGHS]

Alright, huddle time. Come on.

Listen, we all know inventory
night is a bit of a sham, right?

I mean, we try to get the numbers exact,

but human error be doin'
what human error be doin'.

That's why I like to use a little method

I call guesstimation.

WAYNE: Ah, yes.

A portmanteau of "guess"
and "estimation."

You're familiar with the word?

- JEN: Yeah, we're all familiar with it.
- WAYNE: Of course I'm familiar with the word.

JEN:
Did you think you invented that word?

DJ: All I'm sayin' is
let's eyeball a little here,

summarize a smidge there.

No big deal.

Hmm, I dunno.
It's like a mulligan in golf.

It's not gonna feel right in the end.

- JEN: Hmm, I agree.
- KEERAN: Won't Cynthia mind?

- WAYNE: I was thinking about drinking all night.
- DJ: We get outta here before midnight,

you still get paid for
a full 12-hour shift.

- CHRIS: I love mulligans.
- KEERAN: Cynthia won't mind.

- JEN: Love that.
- [OWL HOOTING]

KEERAN: One, two, three...
Looks like 36 to me.

[EERIE MUSIC]

[KEERAN EXHALES]

DJ: Hey, have you seen Cynthia?

I thought she was in
soccer but I haven't...

- Here I am!
- Ahh!

- What's up?
- I just wanted to let you know

that at the rate we're going,
we should be finished tout suite.

- Mm-hm!
- Before midnight, even.

I heard my mom tell my dad
that you get untimely boners

all the time.

Almost too tout suite.

Maybe we should do
a recount just in case.

- DJ: Aww...
- [BELL TOLLS]

Are those church bells?

I don't remember any
churches in the area.

JEN: What the hell?

WAYNE: Hey, how did that get here?

Do you have a boner right now?

No... Oh... it's there!

[IN A WHISPER] Can I see it?

- No. Your mom said no.
- Shh!

Cynthia doesn't need to know.

I thought you didn't buy
that from scary grandma.

I didn't.

[DRAMATIC SWELL OF MUSIC]

Pretty sure a crow just
chose to end its life

against our window.

You call your mom by her first name?

- Is that even allowed?
- No...

[IN A SCARY WHISPER]
But that's why I do it!

[CRASHING AND BANGING]

JEN: Augh...

JEN: Oh!

- [LOUD SLICE]
- [WAYNE GASPS]

BOTH: The curse!

According to my records,
there were 829 white balls,



Well, easy peasy, right?

We'll just gather what we can
and chalk up the missing ones

to the hilarious accounting
term you taught me.

Shrinkage is no laughing matter!

- I mean, they're just golf balls.
- No, they are inventory!

And a tripping lawsuit
just waiting to happen.

I dunno, Cynth. Maybe we should call it.

The vibe feels rather macabre tonight.

Yeah, it kinda feels like
Mercury's in retrograde

- or something.
- [CYNTHIA SCOFFS]

CHRIS: Actually, it's in retroshade,

which is worse.

Enough!

No golf balls left behind!

DJ, back me up.

[DOOR OPENS]

DJ...?

[DOOR SWINGS SHUT]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING IN BAR]

GWEN: Oh my God. Thank God you're here.

- Can you slice these up real quick?
- Of course, no problem at all!

Hey, uh, funny story...

Well, not so much funny.
Not even a story, really.

But, um, I just have to
finish up a few more things

at the store and then
I will be right back.

I promise you.
You can still count on me.

Okay. Thank you. Can you drop those off

- at the table over there, please?
- Of course.

The lemons are done for you
and you can count on me. Right.

What the f...

JEN: "How to exorcise a demon
curse before death gives you."

Wiki's got the instructions right here.

- God bless wiki!
- Ha-ha! Okay!

So, it looks like
we're gonna need to perform

a cleansing ritual before
the maleficent force

- settles into a virgin.
- Okay, good thing I've had so much sex.

Yeah... uh, step one,
destroy the curs-ed object.

Aw, damn,
that really does roll off the tongue.

- It does, doesn't it?
- Yeah.

- Uh, okay.
- Alright.

Um, you take this.

And... I'll take that.

And... one of these.

[FLAMES ROAR]

Whoosh! Alright, nice! Step two...

- Yes.
- Here we go!

Take a box made of mirrors.

Place the curser's
likeness inside the box

so that it may reflect upon itself,

then recite the lifting spell.

Okay, Cynthia has compact
mirrors in her locker.

Why do you know all that?

Because it's important to
know who you work with, okay?

Do you wanna write that down
in your little red diary,

- or shall we expel a demon, Hauser?
- Wait, how do you...? Ugh, never mind!

Where are we gonna find
the curser's likeness?

Oh... Leave it to me!

Where is it? There it is!

Always knew it belonged in the trash.

Always knew I needed it for an exorcism.

Yeah, that'll do, Wayne.

That'll do.

[DOLL SQUEAKS]

[EERIE MUSIC]

- Peek-a-boo!
- [SCARY MUSIC]

- I was just peeing!
- What?

Didn't you say, "pee or poo?"

I said "peek-a-boo," but... that's hot.

Totally!

Wait... what's hot?

The human body, Keeran.

And the many things it's capable of.

- [EXHALES LOUDLY]
- [DOOR SLAMS]

- VIRGINIA: Take me!
- KEERAN: Okay...?

- [KISSING SOUNDS]
- KEERAN: Oh, ow, it's stuck!

- VIRGINIA: Pull it out!
- KEERAN: I can't!

- VIRGINIA: Don't be a little nerd!
- [KEERAN SCREAMING]

- JEN & WAYNE: Vade in aër, satana!
- WAYNE: You gotta hit that umlaut harder!

JEN: Okay, well you're not
rocking back and forth

- violently enough, so... ugh!
- WAYNE: Okay, well, let's do this, then.

BOTH: Vade in aër, satana!
Vade in aër!

What the hell are you doing?

DJ, we don't wanna have
to involve you in this,

- so just walk away.
- WAYNE: The store is curs-ed!

DJ: Curs-ed?

You can't be serious.
What happened to working together

so we can get outta here early?
Okay? Come on.

Focus, please.

WAYNE: Yeah.

- DJ: Unbelievable.
- JEN: Sorry, boss.

Won't happen again.

[QUIETLY] Again?

BOTH: Vade in aër...

I ask for one malarkey-free night.

CHRIS: What's up, man?

I feel an uncharacteristic
negative aura around you.

I was hoping to finish
early tonight to help Gwen

out of a bind, but...
seems like everyone else

just wants to mess around.

Seems like a lot of stress
to take on to impress

an engaged woman.

No, no,
you're getting it all wrong, buddy.

Gwen's a friend, and only a friend.

Who are you really lying to,

me or yourself?

Both. You're good.

[PHONE BUZZES]

_

DJ: Oh, I gotta...

Continue the same pattern
of ill-advised behaviour?

Right again. Bye!

- Okay.
- [DOOR OPENS]

- [CAT MEOWS]
- [EERIE MUSIC]

You seeing what I'm seeing?

JEN: It's just a superstition, right?

[CAT TRILLS]

[EERIE MUSIC]

♪

[CAT MEOWS]

CHRIS: Oh, look!
The last yellow golf ball.

- [CYNTHIA SCREAMS]
- [LOUD CRASH]

WAYNE: Oh! Oh...

Oh, my... ohh!

CHRIS: That was crazy!

[CYNTHIA GROANING IN PAIN]

Start the incantation
from the beginning?

This time with feeling.

CYNTHIA: Oof! Son of a...

[MUSIC PLAYING IN BAR]

Hey, Gwen, sorry I left.
You got any more lemons?

No, no, no!
The lemons have been through enough.

Actually, good news.

I don't need you anymore.

Eddie dropped everything to be here.

Isn't he sweet?

- DJ: Oh, Eddie's here.
- EDDIE: Hey!

- So you're good?
- Yeah, I'm good.

Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.

You're good or you're...
[UP-PITCHED] good?

I'm good. In fact, I'm great.

[CHUCKLES]

DJ: That's... terrific.

EDDIE: You naughty devil.

[GWEN GIGGLES]

JEN: I think that lifting spell worked.

Feels lighter in here.

Yeah, I would describe
the air as tranquil.

- Mm-hm.
- Uh, wait.

JEN: Keeran?

Aww. You alright, little buddy?

[JEN SCREAMS]

- JEN: Oh my God!
- WAYNE: We're too late!

The curse has settled into a virgin!

[WITH LISP] It hurts... help me!

Easy there, big guy.

Helllp!

- [HOCKEY TAPE RIPPING]
- [JEN GRUNTS]

Sorry we have to do this, buddy.

We don't know what
this curse is capable of.

- [MUFFLED SCREAMS]
- WAYNE: Hush, Keeran.

We're just trying to rip
a demon from your body.

Okay, we need to surround him
in a ring of salt

- and recite an incantation.
- There's de-icing salt in the back.

I'll go grab that. You guard Keeran.

Whoa, you wanna leave me
alone with incubus Keeran?!

- No thank you much!
- JEN: Ugh!

[MUFFLED CRIES]

VIRGINIA: Well, well, well...

What do we have here?

Okay, boner boy,
safe word is blink twice.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[MUFFLED] Okay!

WOMAN: [THROUGH GONAD] Mmm, I can't wait

to swallow you up.

Swallow you up?

WOMAN: Mmm,
in the back seat of your car...

That's right, my GONAD.

EDDIE: Please, please
wear the negligee I bought you.

- Oh, which one?
- I dunno, I dunno.

Like the one I ripped off
you last time we boned?

- WOMAN: Oh, you're so bad!
- EDDIE: You love it!

DJ: Excuse me, I forgot my, uh...

vape.

I didn't know you vaped.

Oh, uh...

Vape bros! Yes! [LAUGHS]

What flavour you packin'?

- Pizza?
- Sick!

Mine's cedarwood.

- Wow.
- Very close!

- Yeah, so close.
- Yeah!

Alright, see ya!

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING IN BAR]

I'm in unspeakable pain,

- but I saved inventory night!
- Mm-hm, mm-hm.

No thanks to DJ and his
hurry-scurry shenanigans.

Come on, I saved the best box of chard'
to celebrate!

- Ooh!
- Uh-oh, what's gonna happen?

We're gonna drink!

[SCREAMS]

[KEERAN AND VIRGINIA MOANING]

Get off my daughter!

JEN & WAYNE:
Exorcizamus satanica spiritus!

[SALT GRAINS HITTING FLOOR]

Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?

Yeah.

[MUSIC AND CHATTER IN BACKGROUND]

I just...

uh, want to... need to apologize

for not being much help tonight.

Oh, DJ, don't worry about it.

No, the last thing
I wanted to do was add

to your list of worries.

The bar, the wedding.

Speaking of...

I thought I picked up
on something earlier.

Is everything really
going okay with that?

[LAUGHS] Honestly...

no.

Our caterers got shut down
by the health inspector,

Eddie's divorced parents
keep making death threats

at one another,
and the church my grandma got married in

has asbestos.

It was starting to feel like
this whole thing was cursed.

- There's no easy way for me to...
- But then...

who showed up with
two tickets to Cancun?

God, my sweet, sweet Eddie.

We're gonna elope.

Anyway, we all good?

Yup. All good.

[IN A LOWER PITCH] All good!

[DOOR CREAKS SHUT]

JEN & WAYNE: Omnis satanica potestas!

DJ: What the hell is going on here?!

- [SALT HITTING FLOOR]
- [PEOPLE YELP]

There's a perfectly grounded
explanation for all of...

We're expelling the
curse from Keeran's body!

DJ: What? I thought I told you two

there's no such thing as curses!

Okay, well, then how do you
explain away all of tonight's

weird, creepy occurrences like
the golf ball tower exploding?

KEERAN: Oh, uh, that was me.

I knocked into a wall and it
caused a chain of destruction.

Chain of destruction.

Uh, well,
the spooky black cat that was in here?

- Spooky black cat.
- CHRIS: Oh, that's the alley cat

I was feeding.

And why is a black cat
so spooky, anyway?

- That's a good point, actually.
- Oh, that's... yeah.

JEN: What about the crow
hitting the window, hmm? Yeah.

CYNTHIA: Oh, maybe because
I just cleaned the windows;

turned them into an avian death trap.

I heard church bells!
There's no churches around here.

That was my phone reminder
to take my birth control.

- At midnight?
- No one was asking about that!

WAYNE: Alright, how do you explain away

Carrie on prom night over here?

His tongue got caught in my braces

when we were smashin' mouth!

WAYNE: Ugh, okay.

JEN: Huh.

Seems like you were right
all along, boss man.

No.

Cynthia was right.

I was distracted.

And when your leader is distracted,

how can you expect
any less from your team?

I should have minded
my business, literally.

I'm glad you learned a lesson.

I think we all learned
something tonight.

Some of us a little more
than we would have liked!

Now, let's just clean up
this unholy mess and go home.

WAYNE: Yeah.

Sorry I had to tie you up, buddy.

Don't be.

I'm the luckiest boner boy in the world.

[SHEEP BAAS]

CYNTHIA: [SIGHS]

Go to the car and read your Bible,
Virginia!

Sure, Cynthia. I friggin' love God!

Please don't fire me!

[SIGHS]

It's not your fault, Keeran.

I wanted to believe
that Virginia was still

my innocent, little angel.

But... [SIGHS]

the apple doesn't fall
far from the tree.

What does that mean?

[LOUD POP]

I have said too much.

Stay away from her,
Keeran, for your own sake.

Mama made a bad, bad baby...

Mmm!

What...?

How'd she take it?

I didn't even tell her.

I'm a coward.

I mean, it's gonna crush her, man.

Do I know Eddie's cheating on Gwen?

Yeah, I do.

And does Gwen have the right to know

that Eddie's cheating on her?

Yeah, of course.

Do I wanna be the one to tell her
that Eddie's cheating on her?

No, I do not.

I mean, what do you suppose I say?

"Hey Gwen, Eddie's cheating on you!

"Eddie's a giant cheating McCheater!"?

Gwen!

When did you get here?

Just in time to hear
"Eddie's cheating on Gwen"

about 75 times.

Beep...

boop... beep?

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

WAYNE: As if curses even exist.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

JEN: I dunno what got into us!

I can't believe I let a
lesser mind lead me astray!

- Trust me, it will never happen again.
- WOMAN: Hello!

Uh, I'm looking for my glove.

I left it behind the other day.

WAYNE: Did you? Um, glove?
No, I haven't seen it.

- He b*rned it!
- We b*rned it together!

But it was my mother's glove!

- So that was what you said!
- Oh!

Oh, man! We thought you cursed us.

[LAUGHS] So funny.

[LAUGHS]

Jeg forbander din blodlinje!

- Uh...
- Is your translator app on?

Make no mistake, that was a curse!

[BELL TOLLS]

[EERIE MUSIC]

[BELL TOLLS]

[MALEVOLENT CHUCKLE]

[EERIE SWELL OF MUSIC]

- I'll get the salt.
- Yeah.

♪

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