02x07 - Be the Daddy You Want to See in the World

[bunniefuu]

[KASH] She made out
with her power guide.

It's like kissing your teacher.

Jizz chose Nora!

As far as Jen was concerned,
they weren't even together.

But that was never verbally confirmed.

This all happened in her
mind. It isn't even real.

Objection. That's irrelevant.
It's not the action itself.

It's the speed at which the action
was partooken which is egregious.

[SIGHS] Was quite quick.

If I pressed play on the director's
cut of The Fellowship of the Ring

the moment Jen left the party,

we wouldn't even be out of the Shire

before she's hooking
up with some boomer.

Leave Jen alone.

I'm sure she had a very good
reason for kissing that old man.

- I was sad.
- Exactly.

Look, if Jen's taught me anything,

it's that you can do whatever
you want when you're sad,

and no one can be mad at you.

Uh... No, no. That's not... [SIGHS]

I hurt you, and I shall have to
face the consequences of that.

So, for once in my life, I'm gonna
do the emotionally mature thing.

["ALIEN BLUES" PLAYING]

I'll give you a freebie.

I want you to hook up with someone else.

♪ Was it the best you ever had? ♪

[GROANS]

♪ I try to tell you what I think ♪
♪ And play it off like it's a joke ♪

♪ Oh, no, more surprises ♪
♪ Guess it's like this ♪

♪ I'd do anything for
you, Mrs. Highness ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

[SIGHS] How do I look?

Like you're going to an allotment.

Good. I don't wanna
give George any ideas.

["#ITGRRL" PLAYING]

Bye.

Are those my glasses?

♪ #Work, #HotGirl,
# ClubLife, #NoMakeup ♪

[SONG ENDS]

I was just about to buzz.

Your mum sent me to give you this.

We were shopping, and she had to buy it

because she knows you like dolphins.

Oh, and she said I've got to say it

doesn't mean she's not still mad at you

for being a wee B-word.

Well, you can tell her that
my accepting of this jumper,

doesn't mean I'm not still mad at
her for being a stubborn E-word.

What's the E-word?

There is no E-word,

which is gonna drive her insane
trying to figure out what it is.

Why don't you come round and tell her?

I know you both find it difficult
talking about your feelings,

especially where your dad's
concerned, but... [EXHALES SHARPLY]

... I've discovered this cool
new thing I can do with my power.

Give us your hand.

Right, if I'm touching you and
touching your mum at the same time...

- Ew, pervert!
- No.

If I'm connecting with you physically,

you can feel what the other's feeling.

It's pure empathy.

[STAMMERS] No harm, Ian, but
my mum only has three emotions.

Hunger, disappointment
and an irrational hatred

of specific TV presenters.

So, I don't think
it's gonna do any good.

- Carrie, you're a woman.
- Mmm.

Would you make out with me?

Jen wants me to do it, so it
wouldn't be weird or anything.

Aw, I'm flattered, but I
can't. I don't need anyone.

I'm an independent woman
now. Carrie's flying solo.

I'll be home by 4:00.

So, we can catch the fresh yellow
stickers before the big ones close.

[SIGHS] Although, Tesco Metros
after 6:00 can be a gold mine.

Uh, sorry, what?

Well, it's the third Sunday of
the month. It's food roulette.

What's food roulette?

It's where we buy whatever's
in the reduced section,

and then we just make a meal out of it.

Remember when we got a whole
chicken and five packs of gelatin?

[CHUCKLES] Wobbly roast was excellent.

Uh, although, uh, maybe
it's not a bad thing

if we don't do things
together for a while.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

It's just, I'm trying to move on.

No, no. That makes sense.

And-And I've got Clark, so...

Exactly.

Why are you being weird with each other?

- I should get to rehearsal.
- [GIGGLES]

- [KASH] Big day.
- [CARRIE] Break a leg!

And you need to find someone to cheat
on my best friend with. [GIGGLES]

[SIGHS] Okay.

["WHAT LOVE IS MADE OF" PLAYING]

It's just me and you, flowers.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]

♪ Please take my hand ♪

♪ Feel the rain against your cheek ♪

So... [SIGHS] ... the other night.

God, this really is a heap. You sort
out one bit, and six more pop up.

Should we talk about what happened?

Um, making mistakes is
all part of the process.

- [BOOKS CLATTERING]
- Oh. Oops. [GROANS]

Bugger it.

I think there's something back there.

That looks like a door.

Why won't it open?

[SIGHS] It's a defence mechanism.

Oh. Sorry.

No, it's good. It means
we're getting close.

I bet that whatever's blocking
your power is behind that door.

- Jen.
- Yeah?

Do you trust me?

- I do.
- [DOOR OPENS]

[DISEMBODIED VOICES WHISPERING]

[SHUSHES]

- [GEORGE] Look for a light switch.
- [JEN] Ow!

So, yeah, I was saying
I-I have a boyfriend,

so it's not like I properly fancy you.

[STAMMERS] It's quite common to transfer

sexual feelings on to a paternal figure.

[JEN] Ew, gross. No,
that is definitely not it.

Oh.

- [VOICES EXCLAIM]
- [WHISTLE BLOWING]

I wouldn't read that much into it.

Uh, excuse me.

Um, where do all the women congregate?

[MUTTERS]

"All the ladies flock to Tony's."

[SCOFFS, CHUCKLES]

["WHERE THE GIRLS" PLAYING]

So convenient.

[SINGERS SCATTING]

♪ Seven, eight, nine ♪
♪ That's procedure ♪

♪ If we break bread ♪
♪ Then I'm comin' like a healer ♪

♪ If you want beef ♪
♪ Then I thump, thump b*at her ♪

♪ If you want beef ♪
♪ Then I thump, thump... ♪

[SINGERS EXCLAIM]

[SONG ENDS]

- You're late.
- [MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

You're one of those
shapeshifters, aren't ya?

Yeah. I am a shapeshifter.

Aye. Well, chop-chop.

- Costume's in the back room...
- Whoa!

I'm so basic. Like,
really? Daddy issues?

Basic or not, your dad
is the key to your power.

I don't see why he has
anything to do with anything.

Your relationship with him has
alienated you from your mother,

trapped your friend Carrie into
a sense of obligation to you,

regardless of her own feelings,

and contributed to
your... [CLEARS THROAT]

... inappropriate attraction
towards a clinical care provider.

Hey, you're the one who's
insisting on going around

wearing slutty little cardigans.

And anyway, there is nothing wrong
with my relationship with my dad.

It's perfectly wholesome.

In fact, if there's
anything wrong with it,

it's that I don't spend
enough time with him.

Yeah, we can do anything a normal
family can do, and I'll prove it.

So, you're doubling down on Daddy?

I'm doubling down on Daddy.

["WANNA MOVE" PLAYING]

♪ Let's get it ♪

[KASH] Uh, I did GCSE drama.
I think I know what I'm doing.

Inhale. [INHALES HEAVILY]
Exhale. [EXHALES HEAVILY]

- Sing.
- [VOCALISES]

Pumpkin face!

[VOCALISES]

[SCREAMS]

[HIGH-PITCHED] Tiny little raisin face!

- [ALL VOCALISING]
- Stop!

[SONG ENDS]

Feel the animal. Think as
the animal. Be the animal.

- [CLAPS HANDS]
- Go.

[HISSES]

[CAWING]

Ostrich? Hmm. [CHUCKLES]

- You're not even trying.
- I'm a f*ckin' worm.

- What am I supposed to do with that?
- I don't know.

- Wriggle around or something.
- [SIGHS]

[ADE, MUFFLED] Kash, when
do we get to read the script?

Uh, sorry, we can't hear you, mate.

[BREATHES HEAVILY] Sorry. When
do we get to read the script?

[SCOFFS] Look, preparation

is the most important
part of performance, okay?

Only after mastering that, are you
even prepared to read the script.

Oh, so you haven't written it yet?

Um...

Carrie, can you teach me how to fish?

As my dad. Sorry, I
should've led with that.

Trying to prove something to George.

Oh, I... I have a date.

- With who?
- Me.

I'm trying to be the kind of
woman who doesn't need no man.

So, letting one inhabit my
immortal soul for the day,

it's... it's a bit hypocritical.

Well, it would just take
a couple hours. Promise.

It's just... [SIGHS] ... I've always
seen these pictures of him fishing,

and I always imagined that
he'd teach me how to do it.

But you don't have to. It's okay.

How can I say no to that?

[CHUCKLES]

And you don't feel, like,
obligated to channel my dad, do you?

Yeah. But in a good way.

I-In a friendship way. It's reciprocal.

Like, if I asked you to help me move out

or help me dispose of a
body if I k*lled someone.

We support each other no matter what.

[GIGGLES] Makes sense.

♪ Ooh, nice! ♪

- ["GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE SEX" PLAYING]
- [KISSES]

- Okay.
- Wait.

- Where are we gonna fish in East London?
- Oh.

♪ Whoo! ♪

- Yeah. This'll work.
- Mm-hmm.

♪ I'm more like a
one-night-stand apologist ♪

These are your character
sheets. Study them, okay?

They have to feel real,
like whole, complex humans.

Mine just says "girl".

Yeah. You're playing the girl.

Look, I'm sorry, Randall.

But you can't progress until you've
mastered the previous exercises.

I can't relate to a f*cking worm, mate.

Look, the goal of the actor is to
fully empathise with any subject.

Oh, f*ck you! Empathy, my
arse. f*cking actors. Stupid.

Uh... [CLICKS TONGUE] I think
I'm gonna go as well, actually.

- I'm not feeling too well...
- No, no. Ade, stay, please.

It says here I want to destroy the city.

- Yeah, you're the villain.
- Yeah, I need specifics.

Why? What city?

Just the city. Um, London. I don't know.

I don't think my character's
giving London. I don't believe it.

He lives somewhere more grounded. Raw.

♪ Uh-huh ♪

Here.

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ Sexy ♪

[AUDIENCE CHATTERING]

♪ Everything about you ♪

♪ So sexy ♪

[PATRON 1 LAUGHING]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's wrong with him?

Psst. Shapeshift, for f*ck's sake.
They didn't come here for this.

Oh, I can't. I-I don't have my, um...

Do any of you ladies have any cat food?

[GROANING, BOOING]

- Get off.
- Ooh.

- [PATRON 2] Honestly!
- Ow! [GROANS]

- Whoo! Yeah! Take it off! [CHUCKLES]
- [CHEERING, LAUGHING]

I came for hog! It's quantity,
not quality, baby. [LAUGHS]

- You like me?
- Hell, yes!

You're all prudes!

You wanna come party with
some real women, Peperami?

You wanna come... [SHOUTS] No!
[CHUCKLES] I wouldn't do that.

But seriously, if you
want to, we're free.

♪ Give me just a little bit more ♪

[INHALES]

[MARTIN] What's with the aquarium?

I want you to teach me how to fish.

- Are you feeling okay?
- Yeah, I feel fine.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

Because you look a bit
green around the gills.

- [GROANS]
- [CHUCKLES]

- You fell for that one.
- Don't.

- Hook, line and sinker.
- [CHUCKLES]

No, but seriously, you're
not gonna like fishing.

You've got no patience.
You'll get bored.

I want my dad to teach me how to fish.

["PIRATES OF THE HEBRIDES" PLAYING]

♪ Yeah, we're the
pirates of the Hebrides ♪

Oh.

♪ From the Southern Isles
to the Butt of Lewis ♪

♪ We're always out for more ♪

Oh.

♪ We're looking out for winkles
that you've stashed in the bay ♪

[GRUNTING]

[GROANS] [GRUNTING]

["PIRATES OF THE HEBRIDES"
CONTINUES ON SPEAKERS]

[SIPS, EXHALES] And now we wait.

♪ You won't be leaving anything ♪

- Oh, my God. I'm so bored.
- What did I say?

Okay, so you're hell-bent
on destroying Milton Keynes

because your mother was k*lled in
an indoor snowboarding accident,

and it haunts you to this day.

Sounds about right, yeah.

Okay.

We're gonna do a scene
improvised as our characters now.

- Megan.
- [KASH CLAPS HANDS]

Look alive. Come on. Be "girl".

How? I don't know what I'm
doing. Got no reference.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Specifics,
specifics, specifics.

Um, just base her on, oh,
Carrie. You've met, right?

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

- Yeah, I think I've got it.
- Brilliant. Here we go.

Ah, what a beautiful day for a picnic.

Isn't it? Hello, Mr. Sun. Hello, grass.

I'm just so lovely.

Oh, we're not hurting the
grass by sitting in it, are we?

Sorry, I talk to dead people.

I love it, but there's
something missing.

It's like she's in the room.

Oh.

♪ I'm just a love machine ♪
♪ Feeling my fantasy ♪

♪ Give me a kiss or three ♪
♪ And I'm fine ♪

♪ I need to squeeze the day ♪
♪ Instead of this negligee ♪

♪ What will the neighbours say ♪

- What they say? No, no, no!
- ♪ This time? ♪

- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
- Crushed it. Yay, me!

Crushed it! [CHUCKLES]

No, no, no. Don't stop.

Oh, you're so good.

Oh, my God. I love you
girls. You're my best friends.

Oh, my God. Let's do a braid train.
Me first, me first. [CHUCKLES]

What up? [CHUCKLES]

What's your name?

- Jizzlord.
- Oh.

"Breed toe be"?

That's a pretty name.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, no. My name's Taylor.

Don't wear it out.

- [MOANS, CACKLES]
- [FRIENDS LAUGH]

Okay. Oh, uh, I need to
kiss you at some point.

Oh, my God. That's so
random. Oh, my God. Should we?

Yes. No. Yes.

No.

sh*ts! Let's do sh*ts with the girlies.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Yes! Of course. Oh, we love you, girly.

Aw. No, I know. [CHUCKLES]

So, what's all your names?

[FRIENDS] Taylor.

[SIGHS]

When are we gonna catch something?

Goldfish aren't my area of
expertise. We need a river.

Couldn't your mum give
you a lift to the country?

[SCOFFS] Don't think I'm very
welcome at chez Mary at the moment.

[MARTIN] What is it this time?

You didn't say her head was
too big for hats again...

- [CHUCKLES]
- ... did you?

No. It's just... [SIGHS]

It's really stupid.

- It's you.
- Me?

Yeah. Basically, she doesn't
like that I talk to you.

She thinks it's "dysfunctional".

- I know. It doesn't make any sense.
- You never told me she doesn't approve.

I didn't really think
it was that important.

You said this is the one
you use for trout, is it?

Wait.

So, sorry. When you brought me to
the flat that night with the games,

you knew she'd be upset?

Well, initially.

But she has to get over it.

There is no reason why we
can't be a family again.

She's just... [SCOFFS]
She's stuck in her ways.

[SIGHS]

I don't know what you
want me to say, Jen.

I'm really disappointed in you.

This was meant to be a fun day.

- You want your dad, yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, you're getting him. I'm
your parent first, not your friend.

You don't just get the fun stuff.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Maybe she's right, your mum.

I've let things get too muddled.

I think we should go back to
talking on the phone once a week.

No physical meetings.
It's confusing you.

No, I'm not confused.

- I will talk to you on Wednesday.
- [JEN] Dad! No, don't...

[CARRIE EXHALES]

[RETCHING]

[PERSON ON STREET] Oi,
mate, what you doing?

Mmm. [SNIFFS]

Is it a penis?

[LAUGHING] Is it a man's penis?

No, I know it's not. It's
just, like, what am I like?

[CHUCKLES, GASPS] Oh, my God.

How funny would it be if I
just deep throated it right now?

Like, "May I?" "Oh, yes." [GIGGLES]

[SNORTING]

- Taylor...
- [CHUCKLES, GROANS]

... are you sure these
women are your friends?

Yeah, we're like
besties. Right, besties?

- Yeah, we're here of our own free will.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

See? They love it here.

So, why have they scratched


Oh, my God!

Fine.

I can control people
with the same name as me.

'Cause no one wants to be friends
with me if they have a choice.

It's always like, "Taylor's a bit much."

Or, like, "Oh, Taylor's a lot."

- [WHIMPERS, GROANS]
- That's not true.

I'm sure if you give them a choice,

they'll see what a lovely girl you are.

- [ALL SHOUTING]
- Help me! Come and pick me up!

- Come get us!
- [TAYLOR] Cowards!

[TAYLOR 2 GROANS] Thank God it's over.

- Oh, my God.
- [TAYLOR 3] Mum!

[GRUNTS]

Maybe you and me and Dad
isn't the healthiest thing.

Maybe boundaries would be good.

[SIGHS] Would have to admit
to George that I was wrong.

Can't I just call in a
b*mb thr*at to the clinic?

You can't keep using b*mb
threats to get out of everything.

- We are not in school anymore.
- [GROANS, GULPS]

Today's proof that I need
the clinic in the first place.

I can't figure things out all myself.

Hey, even when your
daddy isn't inside me,

you will always have a daddy in me.

- I think I know what you mean. Thank you.
- [GROANS] I mean it.

I've picked up a lot from
Martin over the years.

I can get rid of spiders for you.

You know I will b*at up any
boy that breaks your heart.

- I know.
- I can teach you how to fish.

Just give me ten minutes on Google.

- We'll have another go at those bad boys.
- Wait. No, you've got a date.

[GULPS] Oh, really, it's... it's fine.

- Or we could do something else.
- No, seriously.

I shouldn't have asked you
to do this in the first place.

You deserve to have some
quality time all by yourself.

Oh, we could do food roulette.

Oh, God, no. Never understood that.

Turns my stomach.

[CARRIE SIGHS]

All right. Let's try an action scene.

Uh, we are fleeing the Vatican
because pope's got rabies. Okay, go.

- Kash, we've been here for six hours.
- [SIGHS]

No one else has even had a go!

- Just a little longer.
- Yeah, I-I-I'm so sorry, Kash.

I've got Reformer Pilates in a
bit, but I-I've learnt so much

about a-animals and acting,
and-and Stanislavski.

Thank you so much.

No, Ade. No, don't go.

- Gregor.
- No.

Yeah, I'm pretty tired too.

Oh, okay.

We could just go to the pub
or something, or watch a movie.

[GASPS] Let's get a pizza.

- [SIGHS]
- Oh, no. You can keep that on.

- Yeah, this is getting kinda weird.
- It's not weird.

It's fine if you're still in
love with your ex-girlfriend.

But I don't wanna get involved.

I've been a problematic
third too many times.

Fool me once...

♪ The sand forever will come through ♪

[FOOTSTEPS DEPART]

♪ Oh, you ♪

♪ You're so alive ♪

- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHATTERING]

♪ Oh, you ♪

♪ You're so alive ♪

[PATRON LAUGHS]

[CHATTERING]

[INHALES, SIGHS]

[SONG ENDS]

Hey.

[MARTIN] I told Jen I didn't
wanna talk outside of catch-ups.

[CARRIE] Oh, no. Uh, Jen isn't
here. It's... It's just me.

[MARTIN] Hmm. Okay.

- Is this clay?
- [CARRIE] Yeah.

I am at a couples'
pottery class. [CHUCKLES]

[MARTIN] By yourself?

[CARRIE] Yeah, but I don't
feel left out or weird at all.

[CHUCKLES] It's totally fine.

[COUPLES CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

[SNIFFLES] Why does no
one want to be around me?

Most people don't wanna
be around me either.

- [SNIFFLING]
- But that's the great thing about friends.

Even if you're a weirdo,

there's always another equal weirdo
out there for you to cling on to.

Do you have one of those?

Yeah.

I do, now.

- Which is why we have to make out.
- I'm engaged.

Hmm.

But I'm not married yet.

[GIGGLES]

[SNIFFLES]

["WEST COAST" PLAYING]

Let's do this.

[SNORTING]

♪ And we both go together
if one falls down ♪

What would you rather be
surprised by in your attic,

a thousand cockroaches or a person?

[MARTIN] Carrie, are you lonely?

[CARRIE] Yes. I don't wanna date myself.

I-I do wanna be independent though.

[MARTIN] It's okay to need other people.

[CARRIE] I feel like
something's missing in my life,

and handmade rustic dipping
bowls, they're not gonna fill it.

♪ I miss you ♪

♪ I'm goin' back home
to the West Coast ♪

[MARTIN] Carrie, I think it's
pretty clear who you miss.

[CHOIR VOCALISING]

[CARRIE] Oh, no.

[VOCALISING CONTINUES]

♪ I talk out loud like
you're still around ♪

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Kash, I really miss you.

I really miss you.

Maybe I made a mistake.

♪ I wish you would've put
yourself in my suitcase ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ Standin' all alone in a black coat ♪

♪ I miss you, I... ♪

[SONG ENDS]

[STAMMERS] Did you enjoy that?

No.

[SIGHS] Like, I'm sorry, but
there's nothing going on down there.

Dry as a bone on my end too.

Hmm. Then what is this?

It's like I love you...

But I don't wanna have sex with you.

- [GASPS]
- Oh.

- I don't miss my girlfriend.
- I missed my friend.

[KASH MOANS]

[SIGHS]

[CARRIE GIGGLES]

We can hit the Metros in
time for a late food roulette.

- [GASPS, GIGGLES]
- Okay. [GIGGLES]

♪ And with a smile on his face ♪
♪ Pointed me to a junkyard ♪

Aw, what a pretty mop.

♪ Looked for an answer
in empty doorways ♪

[KASH] Do you think Clark
would like food roulette?

♪ Said it's out on the highways ♪

♪ Well, come on, Doctor ♪
♪ Won't you give me a sh*t? ♪

- [DOOR OPENS]
- [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Okay. So, don't be mad at me, but...

You didn't?

- I didn't.
- [SIGHING] Oh.

I just don't wanna be
with anyone else but you.

- God, I'm a terrible boyfriend.
- No.

[DOOR BUZZING]

Oh, f*ck. We still have
this weird imbalance, though.

I'm always gonna feel guilty.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Keep your cat indoors if you can't
stop it humping everything in sight!

As far as I'm concerned,
these are your responsibility.

What are?

My Mitzi got lost on Halloween
and came back knocked up.

So, I had a DNA test done at the vet's

to see if there was a match on file,

and your cat, Jizzlord, a name,
which frankly, is salt in the wound,

came up as the father!

In the name of the Lord,
get that cat neutered!

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLING]

Yes! Yes!

Oh, my God. We're even. In your face!

[CHUCKLES] Oh, you slut.

Oh. Yeah, we're good.

[KITTENS MEOWING]

["SEXUAL" PLAYING]

♪ Just say you feel
the way that I feel ♪

♪ I'm feeling sexual ♪

- [SONG ENDS]
- [RANDALL GRUNTS, SIGHS]

Oh. What's there to be
so angry about, young man?

I can't f*cking relate to this worm.

He's got so many struggles.

- I feel you, mate.
- I feel...

- [SOBBING] I feel you.
- Yeah.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

♪ Blue canary in the outlet
by the light switch ♪

♪ Who watches over you ♪

♪ Make a little birdhouse in your soul ♪

♪ Not to put too fine a point on it ♪

♪ Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet ♪

♪ Make a little birdhouse in your soul ♪

♪ And while you're at it ♪

♪ Keep the night light on inside
the birdhouse in your soul ♪

♪ Make a little birdhouse in your soul ♪

♪ Not to put too fine a point on it ♪

♪ Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet ♪

♪ Make a little birdhouse in your soul ♪

♪ And while you're at it ♪

♪ Keep the night light on inside
the birdhouse in your soul ♪

♪ Make a little birdhouse in your soul ♪

♪ Not to put too fine a point on it ♪

♪ Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet ♪

♪ Make a little birdhouse in your soul ♪