01x05 - Say Yes to the Death

[bunniefuu]

This is so boring.

Yeah, nobody ever wants
to play with us.

[barks]
[dramatic music]

Look!
[sniffs]

[whines]

Oh, my God.
We can play two-on-two!

[upbeat music]

- Whoa!
- Pass it, Hockey Dog! I'm open!

- All right!
- Get it, Hockey Dog!

Yeah!

[laughs]

Great job, Hockey Dog.
You're a real winner.

Hooray for friendship!

[barking]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[glass shatters]

Well, with the one
Hockey Dog found,

that's four victims this week.

No link besides the scratches
on their palms.

Don't bother, Summers.

Flute's already deep
in his crime mind.

Or chasing the mailman.

[echoing]

Welcome to "Are You
Smarter Than a m*rder*r?"

I'm Steve Harvey,
and this is the best game show

I've ever hosted this week.

- Let's meet our contestant.
- Hi, I'm Marvin Flute.

I'm excited to play
and more excited to win,

because I never lose anything,
except my wallet,

my temper, and my virginity
at 13 to a vacuum cleaner.

Sent me to the ER, but still,

first in my friend group
to lose it, so I won.

Would love to delve into that,

but I'm hosting
"Celebrity Pasta Slurp-Off,"

and Leighton Meester ain't
gonna wait for that bucatini.

Let's play! Spanx on the floor.
[buzzer dings]

The victim had been trying
to squeeze into a slim dress.

Correct.
[bell dings]

Wine stain on her purse.

Based on the spatter pattern,
that stain could only come

from one thing: someone who
barely touched their dinner,

had a few too many,
and is drunkenly flailing

on a dance floor to "YMCA."

Correct. And in that purse,
there was rice.

She went to a wedding!

Congratulations.
You won a possible lead.

So is there a regular "Slurp-Off,"

or is it just celebrities, and
where can I send my slurp tape?

And wait, there's...
I have more questions.

The vic went to a wedding
the night of her m*rder.

The other victims had also
recently attended weddings.

And they all had scratches
on their palms,

as if they were clamoring
to grab a wedding bouquet!

Someone's targeting bouquet catchers.

Looks like we got ourselves
a serial k*ller.

Yeah, we really gotta stop
doing that.

[tense music]

Okay, I'll make this fast.

- Make it fast, would you?
- Yes.

- Thanks.
- The Bouquet Butcher's on the loose,

- and there's a big wedding this week.
- How big?

- Very big. The k*ller will be there...
- And so should we.

- We catch that bouquet...
- Well, we catch the k*ller.

- Any questions?
- Why are we walking in a circle?

Listen up. We're going
undercover at a wedding,

and we need to send
in the detective

who gives us the best chance
to catch the bouquet...

me!
I'm built for this.

Oh, I'm excited
to see you in action.

You haven't been out
in the field since way back

- when Clarissa explained it all.
- You're in for a treat.

Back in the day, I won an award
for Best Undercover Detective.

The award is undercover as a clock.

Flute, you and I will go
as a couple.

Oh, you two do look like
a couple.

A couple of people who
definitely aren't a couple.

Don't worry, I can fake
sexual chemistry with anything.

Watch this.

[everyone oohs]

- Martinez?
- Whatever you need, Chief.

I can be the flower girl, DJ.

Maybe you bake me in the cake,
I pop out, cuff the perp...

- You're gonna be the pastor.
- Got it. Just enrolled in seminary school.

The rest of you will
be going undercover

- as the wedding band.
- I don't know, Chief.

Don't you think
we're a little too big

to be going undercover
as a wedding ring?

I got this. Hey, Summers.

Hey, you got something
on your neck, buddy.

Oh, that's just my power...
[speech slurring]

As the wedding band, you'll
have the perfect vantage

point from the stage to
spot anything suspicious.

And to get you ready,

I hired the best music teacher
in Grimsburg!

[upbeat keytar solo]

You are no longer detectives!

From today henceforth you will
be known as... Wed Zeppelin.

I haven't been to a wedding
since I officiated mine.

Saved a ton, skipped the
boring parts, and nobody got

to tell me when I could or
could not kiss the bride.

Not starting my marriage getting
ordered around by a virgin.

Hey.
I'm Terry, uncle of the bride.

I'm Mark Milkshack,
and this is my girlfriend,

- Teresa Smoothé.
- I don't see you on the list.

- How do you know the couple?
- Uh...

I'm the mother of the bride.
[chuckles]

So you're my sister?

[laughs] You think your sister
is the bride's actual mother?

She's been lying to you
this whole time, Uncle Terry,

or should I say, Terry,
the guy who got duped

into working the door
at a stranger's wedding

when he could be out
on the lake windsurfing.

You're right!
Whoo-hoo-hoo! [laughs]

You know, I feel bad
her uncle is gonna miss this,

but statistically,
he's probably a pervert.

Remember, keep an eye out
for anyone suspicious.

Hey, no sitting on the equipment!

- Does that say "chair" on it?
- I mean, do any chairs?

- I'm guessing you're the A/V guy?
- No, I'm the A/V guy.

I just did four weddings
back-to-back.

Lemme tell ya,
it was m*rder.

[suspenseful music]

Everybody dropping the mic
at the end of their toasts.

What if I came to your house and
dropped your baby on its head?

- That would be much worse.
- Agree to disagree.

Where the hell have you been?

I've been waiting
in the practice room!

We're not actually
gonna practice.

- I thought we were just lip-syncing.
- But it must be believable.

Because if one person
does not believe

we are a real band
playing cover songs,

the entire operation
will be compromised!

Now to the practice room.
The work starts yesterday!

[gasps] That was a day ago!
[chatter]

Let's keep an eye out
for anything suspicious.

Or those tiny little hamburgers.

Oh, and this is really important:

make sure
you throw away the napkins,

so they don't know how many
we've already had.

By the way, I know I kind of
beefed it before,

but I just have to relax
and not overthink it.

I'll go get us some wine.

No, that's how I walk.

But how does
Teresa Smoothé walk?

[soft music]

Wow.
She is a tall drink of useless.

What the Helena Bonham Carter?

So there I am, butt naked...

can you excuse me for a sec?

- What are you doing here?
- Shh!

I'm wedding crashing.
Like the movie.

Like the movie?
I love the movie!

It's the perfect combination
of raunch and heart,

with a tasteful amount of nudity.

- But what are you doing here?
- I told you, I'm wedding crashing.

- Like the movie.
- Yes, Harmony.

I loved it.
Weren't you listening?

Vince Vaughn turns
in a tour de force performance,

while Rachel McAdams
is the film's b*ating heart.

Marvin, I am wedding crashing.

Here. At this current moment.

Oh, like the movie.
I love that movie. [smacks lips]

Wow, so this is
who you are now?

A lady who sneaks into
strangers' weddings for fun?

Yes, Marvin.
I am, because I'm fun.

- I was the fun one in our marriage.
- [scoffs] You?

The fun one? Marriage?
In our? Was?

[chuckles] Ha!

- I was the fun one.
- Oh, please. Look at you.

You can't even have fun
at a wedding.

Oh, really? I'll have so much
fun at this wedding that when

people ask for my number...
and they all will...

they'll save it in their phones
as Funmaster Flex.

Oh, you wanna do this?
Let's do this.

Fun-petition begins now.

And yes, that is the more fun way
to describe a fun competition.

Wrong, competish-fun
is way better.

Point for me.
One-nothing.

Ooh, make that two-nothing.

[grunts]

Oh, wow, my teeth
are having so much fun.

[grimaces] And so is my brain.
[pop]

Ooh, and now my dislocated
knee is too.

Five-zip!
I'm just funning up the score.

[soft organ music]

Harmony thinks she's the fun
one in our relationship?

Well, then what's this?

Would you cut it out?
We're undercover.

Which means
you don't know Harmony,

and I'm about to get found out
because I don't know

if Teresa Smoothé cries
at weddings or not.

I'll just split the difference.

♪ ♪

Too bad she doesn't look
absolutely perfect in that.

[laughter]
You're fun.

Oh... oh yeah?
Well, I think it's too bad

she looks like an absolute
swamp monster. [coughs]

That guy's fun.
Life of the party.

She does look like a monster.

I think he meant that as a joke
to prove that he's fun.

Well, I didn't. She's hideous,
and I'm going home to barf.

Good evening, my children.

I hope you're all prepared
to eat the body of Christ,

drink the blood of Christ,
and just generally welcome

a lot of Christ
into your digestive system.

[Kool & the g*ng's
"Celebration" playing]

♪ ♪

You call that not playing?

You might as well
really not be playing,

if you're going to be
fake playing that bad!

- Summers?
- Oh, sure thing, Maestro.

Thank you.

Is this a sting operation
or a stink operation?

Summers, how can
a computer not keep time?

Wynona, your keyboard skills
are like your love life...

nonexistent!

And Kang, tone down the raw
sexuality! It's a triangle.

I need the ding,
and all I'm getting is dong!

Why do you think I shroud myself
in this oversized parka?

It's just safer for all of us.

Do any of you know what's
on the line here?

- Stopping a m*rder*r?
- Starting the party!

That is the wedding band's
sacred responsibility!

[laughs] I'm sorry.

Do you mind fetching me
one more?

- Uh, this is for sitting, though, right?
- Um.

I know what
you're all wondering:

"Is Teresa Smoothé
left-handed or right?"

Well, obviously there is
a very simple answer to that,

which will fit perfectly with
everything you've seen from me so far.

The wedding dinner is the
perfect place to get my fun on.

Watch me start
a lively conversation

that'll take us
from a table of strangers

to lifelong friends who summer
together on a gross lake.

So harvesting fetal tissue
for stem cell research.

How do we feel about that,
huh? Huh?

[mic rings] Hi.

So I'll keep it short,
'cause I know we all wanna see

this guy out on the dance floor.

Can she do this? Like, isn't
this a violation of wedding laws?

Just relax and enjoy the dinner.

Um, and my last rule
for a successful marriage...

never go to bed angry,

unless he doesn't let you
watch your shows.

And she watches shows!
[laughs]

I do!
[laughs] I love watching shows.

And we like watching things too,

especially you two,

finding each other
in law school,

falling in love,
and becoming partners

in the law firm
of Happily, Ever, and After.

Oh, good thing I wore
this waterproof mascara.

I didn't.

Now let's party!
[cheers and applause]

[dark music]

[Kool & the g*ng's
"Celebration" playing]

They're buying it!
I guess all your physical

- and mental abuse was justified.
- It was.

Kang, please!
There are children!

Hello, my child.
Anything you'd like to confess?

I'm running a special on murders.

- Klaren, let's start a conga line.
- [laughing] Oh, you're so fun!

Don't you wanna join in
on the fun?

[grunts] No thanks.
I'm starting a funner conga line

where we hold
each other's butts.

Somebody grab my... ooh!

One song left.

Are you thinking
what I am thinking?

Right then, lads! Let's tear
the bloody house down, yeah?

["The Chicken Dance" playing]

I know it's silly,

but I've been dreaming
of this since I was a...

- Out of the way, lovebirds!
- Hey!

- What the...
- Give it up, Flute. I'm clearly the fun one here.

Uh, please, I've got fun
coming out of my pores.

Those are just blackheads.

Which are way more fun
to pop than whiteheads.

Faster!

[song speeds up]

- Just quit.
- I won't quit until Stan has to bury one of us.

You'll never finish at this pace.

Maybe you forgot, but in our marriage,

you were the one
who never finished.

- I always did.
- I don't think that's something to brag about.

Probably, but chickens
are not that smart.

[clucking]

Are you... oh, my...
you're flying!

I am flying.
And you stopped.

I b*at you, and gravity,
and probably evolution.

And... and I don't know how
to land this thing.

Oh. Uh, somebody help me.
I'm gonna crash!

[thud]

[cheers and applause]

We'll be right back
after a quick break.

Let's talk to the bartender,

see what he knows about
these murders.

[laughs] You're incredible!

I've never seen
a better lip-sync band.

And I should know,
because I've been lip-syncing

this whole time.

[goofy voice] Sign here.
I'll take you to the top of the charts.

This is what
we've been working towards

our entire afternoon!

There's no way it can
all come crashing down.

Can I have your autograph?
Uh, right here.

Stay away
from my future husband,

if I ever get the courage
to tell him!

Shirley Temple.
Make it a double.

- Haven't you had enough?
- You work for me!

Kang, the camera loves you.
Why don't you come to the front?

So now he is the front man?

We're just Kang and the g*ng?

- I quit.
- Meet your son.

He's got your lack of a smile
and your outerwear.

Call my lawyer.
He'll set you up with an NDA

- and a college fund.
- Let him have his fun.

I'm too busy with my brand.
I've gone viral.

[slurring] This is my family.

My aunt Shirley.
My uncle Temple.

You have replaced me
with Gerard Way?

Maybe there's room
for two front men.

No, we either do it my way
or the Gerard Way.

Exactly.
Let's go!

We're back from our break.

Who's ready to "Cha Cha Slide"?

You know, one day we're gonna
look back on this and laugh.

Probably because
of something I said or did,

because I clearly won
the fun-petition.

Uh, not if I catch this thing.

Everybody loves
the bouquet catcher.

[mysterious music]

You got this. Don't even
waste a second thinking about

how you screwed up
everything else so far.

Oh, God, the bouquet toss!

Ooh, somebody's getting
nervous he's about to lose.

I'm serious.
You can't catch it.

Wait, this isn't about
the fun-petition at all, is it?

[gasps] You're afraid
I'll get married again.

What? No, there's a mur...

- Wait, would you get married again?
- I mean, yeah. Eventually.

- To someone other than me?
- Yes.

- Before I die?
- Based on your diet, maybe.

And what, he and I will
share the basement?

What? No. He'll sleep in my
bedroom, and you'd move on.

What, did you think you were
gonna live in my basement forever?

What? No. It's not like I
just put a non-refundable

deposit towards building a
breakfast nook in the basement.

Oh, my God, Stan's college
fund is even more gone.

Good luck.
Here's to true love.

[cheering]

[tense music]

- [gasps]
- [grunts]

[guests screaming]
[dramatic music]

[barks]

- [gasps] Oh!
- Harmony caught the bouquet.

That means she's gonna suffer
the worst fate imaginable.

Oh, you mean get married?

Ba dum tss.

No, but she is in a lot of danger.

- Here's your vodka bread bowl.
- It's the perfect drink,

'cause the bread soaks up
the alcohol twice.

[groans] I can't believe

Harmony's next in line
to get m*rder*d

and married...
neither of which sound fun,

and yet she still b*at me.

[slurps]
No, I'm the real loser here.

I thought I could be back
in the field, but I choked.

If I was a better pastor,

the m*rder*r would have
already confessed to me.

I wish I could choke
on something and die.

That's how a musician
is supposed to leave the band!

Speaking of dying,
who's watching Harmony?

[all gasp]
Oh, God, Harmony!

Ugh, so tasty,
but so structurally unsound.

I heard there's an after-party.
We have to go.

Maybe you'll meet
your future husband!

You're not going anywhere.
I've been looking for you.

- You're gonna pay.
- Bocka brebbull.

[grunts]

[gasps] I did
something undercover!

- And I won another award.
- She's gonna pay!

Seems like they got this.

Come on.
We should get outta here.

See you at the after-party, I guess.

What is going on?
Aren't you guys a wedding band,

a normal couple, and a pastor?

And which one of you is paying me?

- Paying you?
- Yeah. The blonde speech lady made

a big show and dented my mic.
Now I gotta get a replacement.

I just can't stand wedding
crashers like those two,

- coming in here...
- Those two?

- No. Klaren's a guest.
- [scoffs] Yeah, and I'm an IT guy.

That woman's crashed the past
four weddings I've worked.

[tense music]

Finally. [sighs]
It's just me and...

Commandeering this vehicle.

We're all detectives, and we're
also all too drunk to drive.

What?
Aren't you guys the band?

[scoffs] We were. But then we
let our egos get in the way.

And learned that sometimes,
when you hit play,

it's hard to hit stop.

We would have loved
this limo back in the day.

Way back when, 40 minutes ago.

It is better
to have rocked and lost

than never to have rolled at all.

Wait, does this mean you
weren't even a real pastor?

You really thought I was a pastor?

- Only because you told us you were!
- Oh, bless you both.

[ominous music]

[laughs] No, you lose.

- You made a face.
- You made a face too.

[laughs] You're so fun.

- That's what I've been saying.
- Oh, man.

It sucks we can't hang out anymore.

- Why not?
- 'Cause I'm not some weirdo

who hangs out with corpses.

Whoa. Oh, whoops.
Skipped a step.

I meant to tell you, I have to k*ll you.

[gasps] Wait, is this
a new drinking game?

Let me find a Kn*fe too. Okay.
Uh, will a spoon work?

This isn't a game.
This is my chance at happiness,

and you ruined it
by catching that bouquet.

I'm supposed to get married next.

I subscribe to all the magazines.

I've been a bridesmaid
so many times,

I have 27 dresses!
Like the movie.

Like the movie?
Duh, I loved it.

It's Katherine Heigl
at her most charming.

But please don't k*ll me!

I've gone to every wedding
in town trying to catch one,

but there's always someone like you
who steals my bouquet,

someone who's gonna have
my wedding, my perfect life!

I'm tired of losing.

- It's my turn to win!
- Stop.

Harmony didn't
catch the bouquet.

Yes, she did.
I was there. I saw it.

You saw her catch a bouquet.

But what you didn't know was
that the pastor wasn't licensed.

She's an undercover officer,
which means...

Which means their marriage
wasn't official,

so the bouquet was devoid
of all matrimonial magic.

Exactly.
But this one is real.

I am a licensed officiant.

So I started the ceremony
on the way over,

and it's time to wrap it up.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

Pentos.

[dramatic b*at] No!
I forgot the tape player!

This might be crazy,
but what if we actually

- played our instruments?
- It just might work!

[strange "Bridal Chorus" rendition]

Bouquet toss.

♪ ♪

I did it!
I'm gonna get married!

Where you're going,
orange is the new white.

I'll be honest, I came up with
that in the car.

I had one in the ball and chain
area, but it felt too obvious.

And I would have had more,
but those two

were yapping the whole time.

- We were doing our vows.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, and you look radiant, by the way.

[triumphant music]

♪ ♪

Hey, I guess you saved my
life or whatever, so thanks.

Just doing my job as a detective

and an ex-husband
who would hate

to see anything happen to you.

You know,
after watching the twisted way

Klaren treated marriage,

I realized we've been looking
at our divorce wrong.

- We don't need to be so comp...
- Competitive!

We said it at the same time,
so it's a tie.

And it wasn't much
of a competition.

You always were the fun one.

- You win.
- Hey, we're both winners,

because at least we're not married.

[both laugh]

When I'm right,
I'm right, you know?

- Ours will be different.
- Talk to us in two years.

Uh, pro tip: don't have a kid.

Locks you in way longer
than you need to be there.

[both laugh]

- Ahh.
- Where is Stan?

Klaren, are you reading
more wedding magazines?

Well, it's coming up.
Somebody's gotta plan it.

I'm thinking barn style.

Like, mason jars instead
of wine glasses.

Oh, and wedding bands
made of twine. Look.

Oh, I love it.
Now can you tell me again about

the chicken man at the wedding?

Why do you always ask me
about that?

There was a man who did

the chicken dance so hard
that he flew, duh.

Delusions resistant to treatment.
Increase dosage.

Also get mason jars.
Could be fun.