06x01 - Doug's Secret of Success

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear journal,
you'll never guess what happened today.

Principal White called an assembly
to announce a big change

that would affect everybody
at Beebe Bluff Middle School.

Maybe they're finally gonna give
the school a decent name.

They better not!

Duh, Skunky Beaumont heard
the cafeteria wieners are radioactive,

and we're all gonna be giants.

Big giants!

Test. Is this thing on?

Test, test. One, two, three, vote for me.

Young people,
I have an important announcement

that will change all of your lives.

New school name. New school name.

Radioactive wieners. Radioactive wieners.

Vice Principal Preston Frumpley
is leaving us.

That's the big news?

I didn't even know
we had a vice principal.

I am pleased to introduce somebody
who will give this school a better name,

a giant of a man.

So let's give a giant man welcome
to your new vice principal,

Mr. Lamar Bone.

[shrieks]

Mr. Bone?
But we left him back in elementary school.

Bone? Again?

Oh, this is a bad dream.
Somebody pinch me.

Ow! Hey, cut it out!

Playtime's over, people.

The Bone is back.

[rumbling]

[whistling]

That's me!

Huh?

Phew!

[Doug] It was the most
shocking news since...

Well, since ever.

Mr. Bone, our mean old vice principal,
was now our mean new vice principal.

[sighs] Perfect.

[Doug] It turns out
Mr. Shelacki got a shipment

of career aptitude tests.

Mr. Frumpley never really did much,
so he had lots of time to fill one out.

Oh, let's see here. Frumpley, Preston.

[Doug] And according to the test,
he was completely wrong for his job.

You can't quit.

I must!
Now I know the job I'm destined for.

Millionaire industrialist by day...

caped crime fighter by night!

Wrongdoers everywhere,

beware the avenging tail of...

The Beaver!

[Doug] Mr. White needed
a new vice principal fast.

[Mr. White]
No. He's covering up something.

Ooh, big dog.

Uh-uh. No depth perception.

[shrieks]

He's perfect.

[Roger] It's Bone again!

[Roger screaming]

[groaning]

[Doug] Mr. Bone wasted no time
making up lots of new Bone-y rules.

Only nine chews per mouthful!
Those with soup, no chewing allowed!

The faster you eat,
the faster you can get back to learning!

You hear that?

The faster we eat,

the faster we get back
to class. [chuckles]

Mmm.

[laughing]

Okay, Mr. Slow Chewer,
know how I reward funny people like you?

A shiny new detention slip!

[gulps]

Hey, man, don't forget
we're supposed to go fishing after school.

I can't forget that. It's gonna be great.

Oh, man, I forgot to drop
my cartoon at the paper.

Be right back.

[Guy] Ahoy! Two bells and all is well.

Hey! Someone's out there.

-A spy!
-No! I, I brought my cartoon and--

Hey, you saw the secret handshake.
You're in big trouble, pal.

Whoa! Hold on.

Cubby, Skipper, reverse engines.

Why not let Doug join our little club?

-Him?
-[chuckles nervously]

Doug's cool, for his grade.

What club is it?

Shh. Secret. Hush hush. Can't tell you.

[stutters] I better go to lunch.

Mr. Bone's counting chews.
[chuckles nervously]

Doug, buddy.

Hey, it's a great honor for us
to offer membership to a lower grader.

-You don't wanna pass this up, do you?
-Uh...

This is gonna change your life.

Lots of great people belong.
Let me show you something.

Hut one, hut two, hike!

-All these people are members?
-Shh.

-Ahoy!
-[all in a low voice] Ahoy.

-You mean a club member built this?
-One of our first.

♪ I'm fed up, I'm tore up, I'm bored ♪

♪ I'm fed up, I'm tore up ♪

Members?

No, they're just cool.

-All these guys?
-No, just one.

The admiral we admire,
Mr. William Hornblower Bluff III.

You see now? Members, greatness, coolness.

Oh, this is the turning point
in your life.

What else have you got to do
this afternoon?

Well, I was going fishing.

Fishing? Uh, let me get over that.

Over it.
Doug, what's fishing gonna get you?

Well, Skeeter and I--

I'll tell you what. Picture this.

The future Doug Funnie
working for the man.

Phew. Whoo. Oh.

Funnie, stop goofing off.

-My kids want monkey.
-Oh, brother.

But, Rog-- I mean, Mr. Klotz,
I don't like monkey.

Hey, who signs your paycheck, monkey boy?

[making monkey noises] Monkey, monkey.

[monkey noises]

[sighs]

Wow, you paint a vivid picture.
All that from fishing.

Doug, I want you to pry open
the clam of life and grab that pearl!

Spread the wings of life and fly!

Take the bull of life by the horns
and have some big, juicy life steaks!

Or go fish. Your choice. I'm out of here.

I am pumped, man!
We're gonna catch a big one.

[in sing-song voice] Can't you feel it?

I can't go, Skeet.
I, uh, have to, uh... not fish.

[door creaking]

[Guy] Enter, Candidate Funnie,
if you dare.

[Doug] Maybe I should have gone
fishing after all.

[wood creaking]

Is somebody there? Hello?

Huh, huh.

[stutters] I've got the weirdest feeling
I'm being watched.

[ribbit]

[gasps]

[panting]

I think I should have brought
a bigger net.

[Doug] I wasn't scared to go
into the secret eighth grade club,

I was concerned.

I mean, like Guy said,
this could change my whole life.

-[door slams shut]
-Huh?

Okay, so I was scared.
Like you wouldn't have been?

[Skipper] Password?

Nobody gave me a password.

[Skipper]
He says nobody gave him a password.

[Cubby] sh**t.
-[Guy] It sounds like Doug.

-[Skipper] It's Doug.
-[Guy] Well, let him in.

[Skipper]
But he doesn't know the password.

[Guy] Get out of the way.
Get out of the way!

Enter, Candidate Funnie.

[whistles]

[Cubby] So, you wanna be a member

of the most exclusive and exalted club
in the omniverse.

Uh, yes.

What do you think,
we're a bunch of losers?

We don't take just anybody.

If you are chosen,
you will be one of the best.

You will go on our annual power trip,

where you'll share
all of our powerful secrets.

And you'll get to meet...

[all] Our leader!

But first, you must show us
you deserve to be in the club.

-You must prove yourself worthy.
-How?

If you have to ask how,
you're not worthy.

Now go! Prove yourself!

[Doug] I had a funny feeling

that joining a big, exalted,
omniversal organization

wasn't going to be easy,
but think of all the benefits.

[indistinct chatter]

[laughing]

"How long are your legs?
All the way down to the ground."

Oh, that's great, Mr. Lincoln.

Oh, someone wants a picture.

Hey, you guys want a real laugh?

Monkey.

[making monkey noises]

[laughter]

That's my monkey.

It was worth it.
I just had to figure out how to be worthy.

I made a few changes
to the detention hall.

The Lamar Bone high security wing
is open for business. Enjoy!

Worth, worthy, Fort Worth, Woolworth,
things worth eating...

I couldn't find any books
to tell me how to prove I was worthy.

[man on recording]
Prove You're Worthy, by me!

"Prove You're Worthy by Bluff."

Hey, this might be helpful.

I knew that rotten pier
was ready to fall apart.

It didn't fall apart.

It was ripped apart
by the lucky duck monster.

Well, Mayor Dink didn't believe me.
We have to get proof, man.

Hey, when that monster eats
the whole town,

don't come crying to me.

I had it made before Bone showed up.

Now I feel like everything I do,
he's watching me.

Well, you can't break me, Bone!

Roger Klotz will be free!

We'll see about that.

Meanwhile, get back to work.

I'd rather go monster hunting,

but I may never get
another chance like this.

Hello, I'm Bill Bluff.

And here's how I spell "success."

Forward-thinking, focus,
undertake, learn and "B."

That spells me, Bluff!

Have you ever seen anything so disgusting?

Who has this kind of time to waste?

You don't! Say you brush
your teeth ten minutes a day,

times 365 days a year, times 75 years,

that equals 273,750 minutes.

That's 4,562.5 hours

or 190 days or 6.3 months.

That's how long it takes
to build 15 Bluffco Teeny Marts!

I build 15 whole Teeny Marts
every time you brush your dumb teeth!

Wow! I'm wasting all kinds of time.

Okay, go!

Faster. Faster.

[panting]

Better.

[Doug] Ready... go!

Done!

Dressed in three seconds. Wow!

I keep this up,
and it will be yesterday.

Oh, boy! [grunts]

A little help?

Douglas! Time to get up!

[Doug] Hey, Mom! How's it going?

-Bye, Mom!
-[crashing]

[Doug grunting]

I'm all right!

Did Doug come through here?

[thudding]

Enjoy your afternoon!

Oh, man! Oh, boy! I tell you!

[grunting] Huh?

Hmm!

So long, Mr. Assistant Principal.

[snickering]

[Doug] I showed the guys
in the secret you-know-what

how much time I was saving.

"Dressed in four seconds." Ambitious.

Hey. You gotta do more
than just put your pants on fast

to get in this club.

We want achievers.

[sighs]

Sweet freedom,
like taking candy from a bonehead!

Uh-oh.

If you'd done your research,

you'd know every vent in this school
leads to my office!

Three more weeks detention!

No!

No!

[gasps] The monster!

[detector clicking]

Hello there, mosquito!
What are you doing?

Looking for that monster? [laughs]

You know about the monster?

Tippy won't believe it,
but my dead uncle saw it.

Of course, he was alive at the time.

I almost sort of saw it.

And I'm gonna get a picture of it!

-Baloney!
-Why?

Between you and me and the tree frogs,

the one thing that monster can't resist

is baloney.

"5:22 to 5:25, eat dinner."

Ah! Time to pet the dog. Pet, pet, pet.

Okay. Did that.

[grumbling]

Doug, is all this rushing around good?

You fall down the stairs every day.

To be a success,
you can't waste time, Dad.

Besides, I timed it.
That's the quickest way down.

Don't forget, it's just as important

to stop and smell the scenery
once in a while.

Smell scenery. Gee, thanks, Dad.


You saved me a trip downstairs.

The day to choose
the new member had arrived.

I'd fallen down a lot of stairs,
and I had an impressive schedule.

Notice that, like Mr. Bluff,
I don't waste a minute of my day.

We will now make our decision
based on a series of questions.

Questions? What about all the stuff I did?

Like Bill Bluff's tapes.

-Don't you wanna hear how I--
-Ah, that's nice, Doug.

-First question...
-[gulp]

Name something great you did
in the last two months.

-Go!
-Uh...

Oh! I know.

-I made my grandma's store trendy.
-Really?

But then I sort of drove her
out of business.

-Ever win a Heisman Trophy?
-No.

-Stanley Cup?
-No.

-Peace Prize?
-Uh...

-No.
-Emmy? Bravery? Valor?

No, no.

[sobbing] No!

[indistinct chatter]

[Cubby] Doug Funnie!

Okay, I'm leaving.

-You're in!
-I am?

But I didn't do any of those things.

We flipped a coin. It came up heads.

I did it! I'm in!

Yay!

[laughing]

But you can't tell anyone!

Oh! Right.

[whispering] Yay!

So, journal, there I was, Doug Funnie,

successful, powerful,
member of a secret club.

Hey, Chalky. Hey, Beebe.

Hey... big guy.

Now, I was about to go
on my first power trip.

Life was good.

Remember, to non-members,
we're the puppet club.

Hey, Doug, wanna come monster hunting?
I got plenty of baloney.

I can't, Skeet. I've got to go to...

the puppet club picnic.

With my puppet. You know, puppet?

[monkey noises]

You know, you should get that eye
looked at.

[Cubby as puppet] Let's go, Doug.

[makes monkey noises]

Puppet club. Hmm.

Wow! All the members from everywhere.

Welcome aboard.

Welcome aboard.

Welcome aboard.
Ready to set sail to success?

[all] Aye, aye, Captain!

Wow, powerful clothes and everything!

Congratulations, Dave.

You've embarked upon a voyage
to greatness.

Thanks for helping, Mr. Dink.

That monster is as good as photographed.

[sniffing] Hmm. Oh. [sniff]

Mmm. Do I smell baloney?

[snickers]

Mr. Bonehead never suspected a thing!

Ah. Klotz, you are king.

All right, let's see here.

Pencils all sharpened in a row.

High-tech security system operational.

Shadow of Klotz conveniently thrown
on the window shade.

Happy birdie flying by.

Honest Abe.

A cute, fluffy, happy bunny.

Wait a second!

A-ha! I knew there was no bunny in here!

Hey, teach.

The old sock-puppet
shadow-on-the-window-shade trick, eh?

This is where we keep the secrets,
Cadet Funnie.

But those look like...
Old tests and research papers.

Yeah. Studying takes up valuable time
we need building our futures.

You guys help each other cheat?

You wanna succeed, don't you?

Or would you rather be like that goofus?

[all snickering]

Be glad you're one of us, Dudley,
a winner, not a slacker.

[sighs]

[chomp]

Mr. Dink, we got a bite!

Mon... Monster! Monster!

[screaming]

-A-ha!
-[shrieking]

-[coughing]
-[people laughing]

Whoo! Oh, man! Huh?

Talk about a big drip!

[laughing]

Don't laugh at him!

Skeeter is just as good as you guys!

-What?
-You better take that back, cadet.

Uh, Doug, does the phrase walk the plank
mean anything to you?

Okay. He's not like you guys.

He's better!

He doesn't cheat
or laugh at anybody else,

and he's fun to be with,
not a big show-off!

Mr. Bluff has no teeth?

[Cubby] Don't you know what a waste
of time brushing your teeth is?

Who recommended Dan for membership?

-He did!
-He did!

Doug, apologize to the rich
and powerful people.

No way!
And don't bother kicking me out! I quit!

You're not captains of industry.
You're more like a bunch of pirates!

[Cubby] Arr! Shiver me timbers!

I can't believe they had a plank!

Sorry they kicked you out, too.

Hey! Your club's cool! Let me on board!

Look! I'm a puppet! I'm a puppet!

If it wasn't the monster,
then who ate the baloney?

-[man] Mmm!
-What was that noise?

Huh? Come on!

[man] Mmm!

That's good eating.

Mr. Dink? It was you?

[gulps]

Oh. Oh, sorry, boys!

I was weak, but who could resist
the sweet perfume of free baloney?

[Doug] So, Skeeter wasn't as close
to finding the monster as he thought.

But the important thing was,
he didn't give up.

I know what I almost sort of saw,
and I'm gonna get the proof!

-[inhales deeply] Boy! Smell that scenery.
-[soft growl]

-What did you say, Skeet?
-I didn't say... anything.

It's the mo... [stammering]

[shrieking]

[muttering]

[Doug] Faster! Faster!

[screaming]

[ribbit]

[laughing]

Hey, you wanna go to my house
for fried baloney sandwiches?

[laughing]

Boy, had me going.

Yeah, well, I guess
I was kind of startled,

but who wouldn't be?

[theme music playing]