06x04 - Doug: Quailman VI: The Dark Quail Saga

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

-[chattering]
-♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear journal

it's hard to believe
the longest night of my life

was caused by a movie I didn't even see.

[male narrator]
He thrilled you as Smash Adams.

Now he's Detective Brock Slag.

I'm on my way.

[narrator] And making his acting debut

former Beets drummer
Chap Lipman is Dalton Felpy.

This bank was robbed
by beings from another galaxy?

[man] The bank was robbed
by beings from another galaxy!

[growling]

[narrator] In a film
that's mostly special effects

Slag and Felpy.

Mostly special effects.

Wow. Mostly special effects.

Yeah, no lumpy story to get in the way.

The grand opening of Slag & Felpy
is Friday in Bloatsburg

stars, glamour, popcorn, important people.

-Wow.
-Popcorn and important people.

Boy! I wish I was important enough
to go to that premiere.

Um... I'll bring you back a program.

Guy got tickets because
he's the school paper editor

and he asked me to go.

Wow! Cool, man.

You'll be right there with Chap Lipman...

[Doug thinking] Patti's going to
a star-studded premiere of a great movie

with an eighth-grade guy?

Huh. Who wouldn't be happy for her?
[laughs nervously]

-[ticking]
-[heart b*ating]

[expl*si*n]

-[door creaks]
-Hmm? Uh... Whoa.

[whistling]

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. [stuttering] Whoa!
[grunting]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[crashing]

[quail calls]

[Doug] One thing
in Beebe Bluff Middle School

always worked perfectly

the rumor mill.

Guy is taking Patti Mayonaisse
to the big premiere.

-Really? Wow.
-Really? Guy and Patti?

[Doug] It took about 10 seconds
before everyone in school

was talking about Patti and Guy.

[laughing] Patti and Guy?

[boy] Patty and Guy? Oh, my God.

[echoing] Patti and Guy.

[sighs] I wish I were Guy's girlfriend

so I could do cool stuff like Patti.

Just because she goes to one star-studded
exclusive premiere with him

doesn't make her his girlfriend.

[thinking] On the other hand,
of course, it did.

Guy, you're not going
to that premiere with Patti.

-Guy--
-Quick, Doug.

-Rugby, two E's or I-E?
-"Y."

Why? Why? I'll tell you why.

Because the paper has to go to press.

Oh, "Y." Right. Good.

OK, OK. So, uh, what's up?

Spit it out. No time for idle chatter.

Uh, say, Guy, with the paper due tomorrow

do you have time to go
to that premiere tonight?

I mean, what's more important

you winning journalism awards
for being the best darn editor ever

or going to some movie

that will be out on video
before you know it?

I read you, Doug.
All caps, banner headline.

I can't let my paper be less than perfect.

The wheels of freedom are greased
with the ink of the press

et cetera, et cetera.

I don't have time
for show business. Patti?

And I happen to be free tonight.

And I can take those tickets
off your hands--

I can put the paper to bed, Guy.

-You can go to the show.
-Great.

-Yeah, Guy?
-Pick you up at 7:00, Ms. M.

OK. Hey, Doug.

Thanks, Sally. You're a regular Guy.

What? What?

Mr. Dink lent me a very expensive infrared

see-in-the-dark, night-scope camera

so advanced that
nobody even makes film for it yet.

He's an older guy, editor of the paper

gets tickets to fancy schmancy stuff.

Hey, I'd be his girlfriend.

You know what I mean.

Why don't you just
tell Patti it bothers you?

Hmm.

Doug, if it bothers you, I won't go.

[crowd cheering]

[crying] It's just that...
if you go with Guy

you'll think he's better than me,
and I'll be upset. [sobbing]

-What a loser.
-[crowd booing]

Patti, you can't go with guy,
and that's final.

-[squealing laughter]
-[all laughing]

I don't think that's such a good idea.

I tried to drown my sorrows
in chocolate swirly spritzers.

Now I had sorrows and gas.

[burps]

There's a time for talk
and a time for action.

Anybody crosses me,
I don't talk. I sock 'em.

Yeah, I could sock him.

Whoa! [screams]
Stinky! Stench! Smell! [screams]

[muffled cries]

I can't see! Oh, no, it smells!

This is t*rture!

I am not going to the premiere with a guy
with a sock on his head.

That's just weird.

[laughs maniacally]

The more I thought about it,
the more right Roger was.

this wasn't a time for talk.

Tomorrow I'm going to walk right up to Guy

and no talk. Action.

I've always been a man of action,
haven't I?

[whining]

Well, I will be, starting tomorrow.

A giant samurai visiting downtown.

And if he causes no trouble,
he's welcome here like everyone else.

[mechanical whirring]

[screaming]

According to the rules of the quail

that big tourist
just wore out his welcome.

-As I always say--
-[Patti] Hurry up already!

Away!

[screaming]

Release that young woman or face me.

I am Quailman... Hey! Whoa!

[screaming] Whoa! [grunts]

[grunts and sighs]

[mechanical whirring]

I hope the sun just went behind a cloud.

-[screaming]
-[squishes]

[gasps]

[male narrator] Can Quailman escape
the giant foot of doom

or will this become
"The Adventures of Just Quaildog" show?

Hmm.

[narrator] Don't touch that dial.
Don't touch my stuff.

[sobbing] Stop touching me! Mom!

In case you just woke up,
Quailman, hero of heroes

super great guy, all man, all quail

is under a big foot.

-Look, up in the sky, a golden streak.
-[squeals]

-Dr. Rubbersuit.
-[high pitched screaming]

[stutters] Who are you

and who's your dentist?

I am the Golden Salmon.

I swim against the current of injustice.

Quailman's under the big foot.

[barks]

-[metallic creaking]
-Appreciate it.

[groans]

I'm out of here!

-[Doug coughs]
-Quailman, are you OK?

Of course, I'm OK. I'm Quailman. [blows]

Thank goodness
the Golden Salmon rescued you.

Thank you, Golden Salmon!

I would have escaped
in a few more seconds, you know.

I was waiting for the right quail moment.
Um, hello?

He's so shiny.

[groans] Uh-uh-uh.

[narrator] Across town

a golden streak enters the headquarters
of Megalomedia

where the Golden Salmon becomes
media mogul Rupert Schmupert.

Using my clever disguise...
[flat] of not smiling

no one will ever suspect
that Rupert Schmupert

and the Golden Salmon
are one and the same.

[beeping]

-Mr. Schmupear?
-It's Schmupert.

I have a story for your paper.

I was rescued today by the Golden Salmon.

People tell me
I look like the Golden Salmon.

You? Don't be silly.
There's no resemblance.

But he is as brave and heroic
as your stories in the Daily Tripe say.

"Salmon Super!"

"Golden Salmon saves gold and salmon!"

"Rupert Schmupert,
no resemblance to Golden Salmon."

Was Quailman there?

Yes, and are those headlines
about him ever right.

What a loser.

"Quailman photographed
without underpants."

Why, that's not true.

They're not underpants.
They're my power briefs.

They were in the shop recharging.

-[electricity crackling]
-[growling]

What is it, Quaildog?
"Quaildog leaves mess"?

I happen to know
you always sort your recyclables.

[barks]

This isn't the truth.

Someone's trying to make us look bad.

I need the wise advice
of my good friend Silver Skeeter.

[narrator]
Quailman flies to Silver Skeeter's

Sofa of Solitude to ask his help.

Looks like Silver Skeeter
got a new coffee table.

Wait. That's no table. It's Silver Skeeter

trapped in a block of flash-ionized
neutrino-phased coffee-table substitute.

Who did this to you?

Ooh. Ooh. Stuck. Can't talk.

Just say his name.

By the time I say the name,
it will be too late

and I will be completely trapped

unable to move.

Just say the last name.

Don't have the energy

and I'd stop halfway through the name,
frustrating you.

I'm sorry, Quailman.

That must be one long name.

Uncover the truth.

Beware the smiling salmon.

The Golden Salmon?

[groaning] I don't have the strength
to say the name.

I'm so... Beware. Sorry.

Come on, Quaildog, not a moment to lose.

Away!

[slurps]

[both laughing]

Would you like to go
to a gala movie premiere tonight?

I know all the stars personally.

I'm sorry, Mr. Schmupear--

Schmupert! Schmupert!

But I love the Golden Salmon.

-It's you! You're him!
-[whooshing]

I'll save you!

Stop rescuing me!

[narrator] "Quailman pulls on girl's arm."

Superhero? [makes spitting sound]

[blowing raspberries]

Mommy, I hate Quailman.

That's my good boy.

-[man] Yeah, I hate him, too.
-[indistinct complaining]

The Golden Salmon's
turning everyone against me.

Waiter, I'll have another.

Hey, belt head, I know what's eating you,
'cause he's eating me, too.

The only way we'll get rid
of that stinking salmon

is if we join forces.

Perhaps you're right.
This is an evil so awesome

that enemies must work together.

[machines beeping and zapping]

Cool machinery, huh?

-What's it do?
-I don't know. It's just cool.

Let's make our plan, Dr. Rubbersuit.

I already have one. This!

-Huh?
-[zapping]

Whoa!

Huh?

[laughs maniacally]

You've split me in two.

Now I can do twice as much good.

Well, not exactly.

"The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn," eh?

[cackling]

Stop! You're destroying great literature!

Literature schmiterature.

I am the Dark Quail!

[laughs maniacally and grunts]

[slurping]

From the carton? You mean...

Exactly.

You see... [chuckles] inside each person

is the potential for good and evil.

-I yanked out your evil twin.
-[laughing]

[burps]

Hey, Rubbersuit, want a cookie?

Well, there's none left. [laughing]

How will having a rotten, evil side
that does bad things help me?

I don't know. It's just cool.

[laughing]

[growls and exclaims]

Ow. He hit me in the nose with a car.

-Why did he do that?
-Because he's pure evil.

Hmm. Maybe this wasn't the best plan.

Now I'll go fillet the Golden Salmon!

[laughs maniacally and exclaims]

Dr. Rubbersuit, I hope this makes you
realize that evil is bad.

Eh, whatever.

Away!

Hey, at least use the same hole,
why don't you?

Ow! Ooh! Hey! Hey! Oh! Oh! [groans]

[exclaims]

Come out and face my quailine wrath,
stinky salmon.

[grunting and laughing]

Stop right now!

The road to v*olence
is not the path of the quail.

It is now. You want to hit each other?

You see this? Evil never listens.

[creature grunts]

-[Dough] Hey, you're on my foot.
-Shut up.

My newspapers and television stations

are taking over the minds
of unsuspecting parents

especially my children's
educational network.

♪ Happy, hoppy, hippy, happy, yippee ♪

♪ We're so cute ♪

And soon Patti Mayonaisse

will be my brain sl*ve.

-Let's smash him.
-No!

[both screaming]

We don't smash. The way of the quail--

Oh, please. Let's clobber him
and eat all his snacks.

That's wrong.

So we just tell everybody
we don't know who did it.

Come on. [grunts]

Never! Quailman stands for the truth
and rightness of the quail!

[both grunting]

[grunts] Unhand me!

[narrator] Quailman engages
in a momentous struggle

with the Dark Quail

a struggle that will
not soon be forgotten.

-[both screaming]
-Hey, I won't forget this!

-[both] Thanks!
-Curses.

[both grunting]

-[Dark Quail] Come on. Come on.
-[barks]

[Quaildog telepathically]
You must pull yourself together, Quailman.

Help me, Quaildog. You're my only hope.

[both grunting]

[Dark Quail] Let go of my arm.

-[Dark Quail grunting]
-[Doug yelping]

No! I don't want to go back!

What about my line of toys?

Sorry, Dark Quail.

I have to pull myself together.

[both screaming]

[exclaims] Thank you, old friend.

Now let's... fly away!

[doorbell rings]

I...

You can't believe what you read
in those rotten papers.

I'm true quail goodness
through and through.

What do you want? I'm busy.

Rupert is coming to take me
to the big premiere.

Don't go.

You're in love with a giant space slug

who will make you his brain sl*ve.

Right.

So you're saying he's Rupert Schmupert

he's the Golden Salmon,
and he's a space slug? Come on!

No villain in the history of comics
has three identities.

Well, I don't know. Let's look it up.

[doorbell rings]

-We're too late.
-[whines]

[doorbell rings]

Quaildog, I can't make
that girl believe me.

That space slug will make her
a brain sl*ve.

[whines]

[telepathically]
You must use the trust of the quail.

When you trust her to see the truth

she may trust you. [whines]

I just need one minute, miss.
Then make your own choice. Please?

Oh, all right. Make it quick.

May I share my quail powers with you?

Wow. Me? I've never had powers.

Remember, only use quail power for good.

My brain feels all tingly. Cool.

You think I'd wear a belt on my head
if it wasn't cool?

[gasping]

Oh... Ew! Ugh, gross!

Now I know the truth about you.

[moans] Unmasked!

[gasps, grumbles and groans]

You made me look bad with lies

but trust and truth
are the most powerful weapons of all.

And that whole three identities thing
is a real turnoff.

[Patti] Thank you, Quailman...

[Doug] For trusting me to see the truth.

The end.

We were sitting right behind Chap Lipman.

[Doug] The next morning at school

I decided to be my normal calm self again.

Hey, Patti. How was the Guy... show?

It was OK.

The movie was rotten,
but everyone said it was good anyhow.

And you know what?
Guy thought it was a date.

He... He did?

Yeah. I just went
because he had an extra ticket.

-And I thought it'd be fun.
-Good thing I didn't sock him.

-What?
-Uh... So it wasn't a date?

No.

A date would be
like if somebody I really liked

came up to me in the hall like this...

-Mmm-hmm.
-And he was standing there, like you...

Uh-huh.

[Patti] And we knew we liked each other

and he asked me if I wanted to
go skating on Sunday

and I'd say yes.

That's what I'd consider a date.

Oh. Well, that's good to know.

Well, see you, Doug.

-Oh, um, yeah... [stutters] see ya.
-Bye.

[Doug] And then I said, "bye."

Gee, do you think
she was giving me a hint?

[whines]

But what if I was wrong?

I'd have to trust her not to laugh at me.

Hmm. What would Quailman do?

[quail calls]

I know what he'd do.

He'd take action, that's what he'd do.

Well, here goes nothing.

Hey, Patti!

Hey, Doug!

Want to go skating on Sunday?

No, I can't.
I already made other plans, Doug.

OK. See you. Bye.

[sobs] Oh, oh, man.

I can't believe it. [sniffles]

[groaning]

-Doug?
-Huh? Yeah?

You want to go to Swirly's?

Sure. I love Swirly's.

Yeah, me, too. Who wouldn't?

[both laughing]

Fly away!

[quail calls]

[closing theme playing]