01x02 - Carl and Maude

[bunniefuu]

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other side

♪ Well, I paid a visit

♪ While it's possible I missed it ♪

♪ It seemed different yet exactly the same ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪Till further notice♪

♪ Till further notice

♪I'm in between♪

♪ I'm in between

♪From where I'm standing♪

♪ From where I'm standing

♪ My grass is green

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other úa$

[humming, snorting and grunting]

Heel!

I really can't believe

we have to do our community service at Golden Gates!

I mean, come on!

Could it be any less glamorous?

Not supposed to be glamorous, jailbird.

Tried to steal the sign

now you'll have to serve the time.

This seriously ranks

as one of the worst possible days

in recent history!

[sniffing]

Uh, you think you'll have time

to run me in an open field before dinner?

I'm dying to get off this leash.

[bland music playing]

[sniffing]

[fly buzzing]

[door opens]

Oh. Checking in?

No, ma'am.

We're only .

Um, I'm Ginger Foutley.

We're here to fulfill our community service sentence.

Officer Killgallen might have called...

Oh, yes, the troublemakers.

I've been expecting you girls...

[sniffing]

Who's he?

That's my little brother Carl.

I have to watch him.

Which is pretty ironic

considering I'm not the one with the criminal record.

[puffing and panting...]

Huh?

Open up, Carl!

I got snack cakes!

"Hoodsey. Stop.

"Parental Unit spazzed hard. Stop.

Will radio upon return. Stop."

Could have at least left a key, Carl.

[loud munching]

Girls, here are the duties you will be expected to perform:

Ginger Foutley, "Bingo Arts."

Dodie Bishop, "Bedside Reading."

Macie Lightfoot, "Dessert Distribution."

Sweet...

And you'll want to steer clear of Maude in room .

She's one of our more "mischievous" community members...

and that's putting it lightly.

The last person who ventured in there uninvited

was found hog-tied in a utility closet with their dentures missing.

Well, we'll steer clear of her, ma'am.

'Cause like you said, we don't want any trouble.

Isn't that right, Carl?

...

[grunting...]

Are you trying to escape?

There's an easier...

Escape? Heck no!

The ninny from my insurance company just left

and I'm fixing to give him a proper sendoff.

Shut the door, give me a hand.

Is that him? Talking on the cell phone?

Steady! Steady, now!

[laughing]

Man: Yow!

Whoops... not him.

So, uh...

You must be Maude.

Yeah, how did you know?

Well, your reputation precedes you.

Reputation? As what?

A live wire?

They ain't lying!

[birds squawking]

[coughing harshly]

Brother, I need a drink.

Ah... cherry.

Care for a little soda pop?

Or is the presentation too gross for ya?

Maude, I'll have you know

that "gross" is my middle name.

First name's Carl.

Well, Carl... I think that me and you

are gonna get along like two peas in a pod.

Bingo!

[all exclaim]

Woman: What did she win?

I said "Bingo", little missy!

What did I win?

A wax fruit basket.

Ooh!

It's just for, uh, decoration, Mrs. Gumfrey, so don't eat...

Mind your business!

I do what I please!

And that's a wrap for today, Ginger.

I'll call my mom.

Hi Mom, it's me.

We're done helping the old people.

Can you come get us?

Who called for me?

Are you absolutely certain?!

Okay... thanks...

You're not going to believe this...

Dodie and Macie: Huh? Courtney!

Woman: Thank you for holding.

Your call is important to Courtney

and will be answered in the order in which it was received.

Please do not hang up.

Singer on phone: ♪ ...every day you show it

♪ You got the patent on cool

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're fine ♪

[singing along]: ♪ ...and you know it

♪ and every day...

♪ You've got the patent on cool ♪

Both: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Courtney: Ginger?

Were you singing to my hold music?

Was I?

Hi, Courtney.

Uh, what's up?

Yes. Well, I'll just launch right in.

Since we're getting to be such good friends

don't you think it's about time

I came over to your house for dinner?

My house?!

I mean, you've been to my place a ton of times...

Actually, it's only been a handful of times.

But I guess, uh, fair's fair.

I mean, you could.

You probably should!

We should! Let's!

Friday at : sounds perfect!

I'll e-mail you a list of my dietary restrictions.

And thanks for returning so promptly...

Mumma always says it's important to maintain

a degree of control over other people's lives.

Remember that and go get my bookbag.

[laughs nervously]

Courtney Gripling is coming over to my house for dinner!

[hearing aid whines]

This is too much! Too much!

Oh, would you keep it down, Hoodsey?

You're breaking my concentration here.

I thought you and me were the only ones

who communicated via walkie-talkie.

[sighs]

I told you...

This will only function as a receiver!

So Maude can hear me!

You and I are still the only ones who transmit...

Oh, what's the difference!

You've changed since you met her...

I only met her a few...

That's all it takes, Carl!

What's so great about Maude anyway?

She's got a plastic hip!

So? I have asthma.

She likes to play tricks on people!

So do I, Carl!

Remember when I dipped Stuart Higsby's lunch in the toilet

then put it under the hand dryer in the boy's room?

So he wouldn't know?

She practically rules Golden Gates.

Stuart ate that lunch, Carl!

I shouldn't have to remind you!

Just wait until you meet her, Hoods.

You're going to be as crazy about Maude as I am.

Melvin, Melvin, looking good!

That's one sharp bathrobe!

[grunts happily]

Let's get out of here, Carl!

I don't spend this much time with my own grandma.

[alarm clock rings]

:... Crazy Eights in the lounge.

It's time to put our little plan into action.

[man grunting happily]

[hearing aid whining]

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm...

Okay, Maude... there's not a heart in the bunch!

Change the suit and victory is yours!

[coughs, laughs]

[laughs] What a haul!

You guys are total cheaters.

Oh, come on, Hoodsey!

You and I do stuff like this all...

I'm serious, Carl.

I'm seeing a whole different side of you.

And it's not very becoming.

Who is supposed to be coming to dinner tomorrow?

Courtney Gripling!

She called on the phone yesterday?

The same girl that called you "fashion-impaired" and made you cry?

Mom! That was, like, years ago

in the fifth grade or something.

Please say it's okay if she comes...

It's okay if she comes.

And please say you'll make

your famous stuffed mushroom caps.

Frankly, Ginger?

I wouldn't dream of serving anything less.

Thanks, Mom.

You're the best.

Would you mind putting that in writing?

[door creaks]

[sighs]

Huh? Carl?

What are you doing with "Car Companion Bob"?

You know I don't like driving at night without him.

I hereby solemnly swear to take excellent care of your dummy, Ma.

Can I please borrow him just for one day?

What for?

Afraid that information's classified.

No holes, no candy residue

no penciled-on mustaches

or it comes out of your allowance... no kidding.

We have reached an understanding!

Pleasure doing business with you, Mom.

Oh, uh... one more favor?

I'd like to have my lady-friend

over for dinner tomorrow

if it pleases the committee.

Things are getting serious.

I want everyone to meet her.

Well, I am speechless.

So it's okay?

I don't see why not.

Tomorrow's line-up is really heating up.

Checkmate!

[general conversation...]

[ducks quacking]

[wheelchair rattling]

[woman screams]

[all exclaiming]

[quacking]

[both laughing]

Wasn't that great, Hoods?

Did you see it?

If you ask me, the whole thing's a little juvenile.

Juvenile? Are you nuts?

Come on, Hoods!

Surely you can appreciate...

And another thing, Carl!

Why did you change the secret hiding place

for the doghouse key without telling me?!

Oh, don't get your undies in a bunch!

It's buried in a pickle jar behind the dying shrub.

Sheknows?

She knows the secret hiding place before me?

[wheezing]: Oh, this is rich, Carl!

Really rich!

I could have sworn I told you...

[burps]

Now, for the finishing touch.

Macie, hit the light.

[disco music playing...]

It's a disco-inspired wonderland!

I pronounce this bedroom a virtual den of coolness.

Oh, thanks, you guys.

Do you think I should hide my ponies?

What do you think of this top, Miranda?

I'm looking for something that says

"I don't want to look like I'm better than you... but I kind of am."

What do you think?

I bet her room is filled with pony toys!

She probably has a mobile, too!

Miranda! I'm talking to you!

There will be plenty of time

for you to talk to yourself

while I'm at my dinner engagement.

Now, what do you think of my top?

It's perfect, Courtney. Really.

Just the right shade of green.

Dodie: Okay, let's move on to the living room!

Strike the potty sh*t, for sure.

Check!

Conceal

the apple brown betty stain.

[all grunt]

Check!

There--

totally and utterly acceptable.

Lois: Nice looking table, kiddo.

But we're one place short.

What?

I say we're one short.

Carl's got company coming, too.

Didn't I tell you?

He has a little girlfriend.

Isn't that sweet?

Sweet?! Are you serious?

Mother!

Courtney Gripling is coming to our house

for dinner tonight.

How, I repeat,how, could you possibly let Carl

invite one of his grimy little playmates?

This is Courtney Gripling we're talking about!

Oh, give me a break, Ginger.

She ain't the Queen of England.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, please, please, please...

let her be a shy, well-mannered little girl!

Preferably one with an incredibly early curfew...

Hiya, hot stuff!

You must be Ginger!

But I bet your friends call you

Gingervitis! [laughs]

That's a little gum humor for ya since I left my teeth home.

Carl said your mom's cooking leaned toward gummy

so I figured I'd go... commando!

[laughing]

[coughing...]

Yoo-hoo! Ginger!

Sorry I'm fashionably late.

[wheezes, coughs]

This... is my life.

[glass breaks]

Whoops! Did I just break something?

Oh, no, it's nothing.

The cushions are just... you know, crunchy.

Look at that precious wittle frog face.

You're making a winkle!

[laughing]

Ginger, I'd love a walking tour of your house...

Great. Perfect. Let's go.

Ah, don't worry about me.

I'll be just fine here, all by my lonesome.

[coughing]

Though it is a tad musty in here!

Maybe some fresh air...

Grandma Foutley is a real cutup!

Uh, she's not my...

Say, is it okay if I lose my shoes?

Since the window's open and all?

See's, I got a blistering bunion the size of Detroit, sister

and... [wheezes] it needs to breathe!

Shall we?

Evening, ladies.

So... this is my room.

It's precious! So retro!

It's lived-in yet darling!

The bed is tidy!

The walls are adorned!

And the pony motif is absolutely priceless!

Ooh! What is this, a robot?

No, Courtney.

That's a vacuum cleaner.

It's used for cleaning.

Fascinating!

Ginger, there's so much you can teach me.

So, uh... how long have you two been, uh...

Partners in crime?

Since the fateful day I strolled into the home.

That's right!

Some people said things were moving too fast

but we didn't pay them no never mind.

So, Lois... you interested in grandchildren?

What?! What, I, I... I, uh...

I got to see a man about some mushrooms, excuse me.

'Cause I was gonna show you a picture of mine!

So I got this rash, right?

Itches like the Dickens

stubborn as a mule! Gross...

Powders don't help!

Ointments won't work!

Maybe just keeping quiet about it...

Why, I even tried an old folk remedy that smelled like tar

but it didn't make no never mind!

You're a nurse. What gives?

Honestly? I-I have no idea.

But I'd get it looked at right away.

[gasps]

No!

Don't worry, pumpkin!

It ain't contagious.

[giggling]

She's revolting.

Ain't she, though?

[sighs]

So, I made a brisket.

Is that okay for you, Courtney?

[giggles]

Oh, yes.

And may I say, Mrs. Foutley

you've got that whole "concerned mother" thing down just right.

Very convincing-- like the moms on TV.

Hmm. You don't get out much, do you?

[Courtney giggles]

[Maude growling]

Maude's got the appetite of a wild cougar.

[tapping]

Hiya, Hoodsey!

Come on in and make yourself a plate...

[puffing and wheezing]

Please excuse me, madam.

I won't be but a minute.

Okay, so what's on your mind, Hoods?

I have tried to like Maude! Honest I have!

But there's something about her that I just don't trust!

Hoodsey...

I'm not kidding, Carl!

I don't know quite how to break this to you

so I'm just going to come right out and tell you what I think.

Well?

I think she's after one of your lungs, Carl.

What?!

You've heard the way

she's always hacking her brains out!

And they say you can live with just one!

She's no fool, Carl.

[laughing]

Oh, Hoods...

You know, I think I know what this is really about.

You do?

Yep. You're jealous of Maude.

Don't worry, Hoods, she's never going to take your place.

You're my best friend...

and Maude's my woman.

Here, let me show you something.

For me?

No, but go ahead, open it.

It's a worm, Carl.

It's a ringworm, Hoods!

Aringworm?

Is that Lucky Charlie?

Yep, sure is!

How could you?

I'm going to ask Maude for her hand in marriage.

Tonight.

You've flipped your lid, Carl!

You've lost it and it can't be found!

You're talking crazy stuff, and I...

I can't be a part of it!

[puffing and wheezing...]

Please? Pretty please?

With sugar on top?

Just a few good chomps with those pearly whites of yours

and I can swallow this baby down easy.

Uh,Grandma?

You should really try to chew your own food.

What you're doing... it isn't polite.

It isn't even sanitary.

Aw, if Carl was here, he'd chew it for me...

I'm sorry, she's...

On their father's side. Really.

Oh, foo!

[gasps]

Uh... Mom?

Is Grandma... napping?

I don't think so, Ging.

Somehow, I... I really don't think so.

Poor dear...

...and her last words were, "Oh... foo."

Both: Oh, foo...

Carl's eulogy was really touching.

I think he may have even loved her.

This is the saddest, most romantic story I've ever heard.

Do you think Carl's going to be okay?

I hope so.

He's never had to deal with anything like this.

It was horrible!

It was spectacular!

The mother was just like I pictured her.

I touched a real, livewacuum

and I even got to use my sad-for-you face!

Oh, you know the one...

Did you get the film back yet?

[laughs]

How did I know about the ponies?

How did I know?

Hi.

Hi.

Got the key from the pickle jar

just like Maude said.

Hope you don't mind.

I don't.

I know you may not believe me

but I'm really sorry and everything.

I believe you.

Thanks, Hoods.

Pretty cool that she left you her gallstone.

Only Maude...

Hey, Carl? You want to go throw water balloons off your roof?

You know... I think it's probably the way

Maude would have wanted it.

Yeah...

Yeah.

Hoodsey: If you ask me, the whole thing's a little juvenile.