01x13 - Blizzard Conditions

[bunniefuu]

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other side

♪ Well, I paid a visit

♪ While it's possible I missed it ♪

♪ It seemed different yet exactly the same ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪Till further notice♪

♪ Till further notice

♪I'm in between♪

♪ I'm in between

♪From where I'm standing♪

♪ From where I'm standing

♪ My grass is green

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other side.

[wind whistling...]

MAN [on radio]: We've got blizzard conditions throughout three counties

with winds gusting up to miles per hour.

Expect a total accumulation

of up to three feet in the next hours.

[turns off radio]

Ohh!

Oh, that was close.

"April , .

"A more shocking scene cannot be imagined

"than that witnessed by the group of men

"who went to the relief

"of the unfortunate Donner Party.

"The bones of those who had d*ed

"and been devoured by the few miserable survivors

were lying about the tents and cabins."

[shuddering]: Ohh...

You mean those plucky pioneers

survived by eating...

Uh-huh...

And I thought cafeteria food was bad.

Um, maybe we should do our report

on something a little less, uh... gross.

DODIE: What does it matter?

There's no way we'll have school tomorrow.

The snow is so deep, you can't even see the mailboxes.

We could be stranded here for days!

[gasps] Ginger, tell me there's enough food.

Of course.

What kind of a snow day would it be

without stuff to eat?

A very scary one. [gasps]

[wind whistling]

[groans, sighs]

Florida's looking pretty good right about now.

I take it you've never seen a palmetto bug.

[shudders]: Oh...

You girls had better call your mothers

and tell them you're staying the night.

The roads are m*rder out there.

I'd bet my stethoscope school will be closed tomorrow.

Perfect! This will give us more time to finish our report.

Or at least decide on a topic.

LOIS: Carl!

What did I tell you

about using Grandma's good Mason jars?!

He's not home.

Eww...!

Why is he keeping earwigs?

There are some things I just don't want to know.

Ohh...! No... gross!

[barking...]

What... stop it!

[gasps]

Now, that cuspidor has stood beside my dentist chair

since the I performed my first professional tooth extraction

in -and-.

Whoa, ?

I bet a million people have expectorated into this.

Dr. Randall, you got yourself a deal.

Now, I expect you to take the greatest care of my Muffin

while I'm away.

We'll treat her like family.

Hey, stop doing that!

Muffin!

Come here, Sweetie-weetie! [laughs]

You be a good little girl while I'm gone, okay?

[laughing]

Give Daddy them kisses.

Give me them kisses from my little girl...

Eww... gross!

Yeah... grown men should not talk like that.

WOMAN [on radio]: All roads and highways in Winslow County

will remain closed to traffic until further notice.

MAN [on radio]: No doubt about it, folks.

This is the blizzard of the century!

Carl, those donuts are for you kids.

Feed the dog the chew bones.

Then what am I supposed to chew on later?

Carl... look what Muffin did

to my sleeping bag!

So? You should see what Hoods did to his.

Hey, you promised!

It's cool, Hoods.

You're family.

I have a nervous condition.

That's okay, Hoodsey.

Evidently, so does Muffin.

Just throw those bags in the wash.

School is officially closed!

[kids cheer]

Uh, let's not forget

we still have to do our report.

Fine, then let's plan the day accordingly.

We'll need to fit in a little sledding

followed by our ultra-chocolate hot chocolate with extra marshmallow.

And our traditional pickle pigs.

Ginger, Dodie, the governor has declared a state of emergency!

This is serious!

We could run out of food!

Oh... I'm telling you

this has all the makings of another Donner Party.

Now, that would be cool.

I bet I taste like chicken.

BLAKE: Winston, please make haste.

I'm terribly famished.

I am doing my best, Master Blake.

It's treacherous going, I'm afraid.

Miranda? Miranda?!

It's one thing to close the schools

but to close the malls, all over a little blizzard?

I wasted a perfectly cute shopping outfit.

MIRANDA [breaking up]: I'm... I don't... ...ink I heard.

[sighs in exasperation]

Winston, my battery's run out.

I must concentrate on the road right now.

Prioritize, Winston.

Oh... oh, let's see if we have another.

Here's... oh...

Winston! Employ caution!

Ohh...!

[honks horn]

[screams]

[honks horn]

[continues honking, Muffin barking]

Carl, muzzle that dog!

Wow, Mrs. Foutley

the Army's in your driveway!

Don't worry, Hoodsey.

The National Guard is just taking me to work.

Now, Ginger, I'm working a double

and I won't be home till late

so you're in charge.

Call me if there's a problem.

Hopefully we won't lose phone service

withthissnowstorm.

You hear that?

No phones.

Oh, great.

So much for prank phone calls.

You kids be good.

KIDS: We will... bye...

Come on. We got work to do.

Work?

But Carl, it's a snow day.

We're supposed to eat sugared cereal and watch TV all day.

[bird caws]

Oh, let's see.

[grunts]

This is quite a kettle of fish we're in.

Do you mean to tell me we're stuck here?

Well, I... I suppose we could tunnel our way out.

Tunnel out?! In capris and slingbacks?!

Unacceptable, Winston.

Now, Courtney...

let us not be harsh with Winston.

He did his level best.

Oh, the kindness of children.

Though his best just wasn't good enough!

Winston, you must get us out of here!

[shuddering]: I'm claustrophobic.

Do you not remember my episode in Tully Caverns?

All too clearly, Master Blake.

Then do something!

[crying]

[Muffin barking]

[barking...]

[panting]

I got to tell you, I am not a fan of that dog.

Come on, Hoods.

Muffin's our ticket to a crusty spittoon.

Besides, she'll come in handy for Operation Pigeon.

I guess, but... how do you know regular pigeons

will deliver messages tied to their feet?

They're pretty dumb, you know.

[chuckles]

Not so, my man.

Pigeons just look dumb.

That's their genius.

I still don't get it.

If the phone lines go down

you and me will be the only ones

with guaranteed communication capabilities.

We charge a buck a message.

Pretty soon we've got enough money

for a water line to the doghouse to hook up the spittoon.

You mean we can spit for real?

Freely and with full phlegm, should we so desire.

[barking excitedly]

Muffin! No!

When exactly did sledding not become fun anymore?

When I lost the feeling in my toes.

Okay, guys, let's focus.

We have to pick our survivor.

Sacajawea d*ed at .

Mary Todd Lincoln was a little, um, disturbed.

And Betsy Ross flaked on the first flag.

Not exactly uplifting.

Uh, guys?

We need a subject.

Oh, how I had looked forward to watching you both grow up!

Really, Winston, pull yourself together.

I'm the one who's missing the pedicure.

[sobbing]

[door creaks]

Ow! Blake! You and your stupid toys!

That toe will need extra buffing.

[kisses]

Hello, old friend.

Deliver us from this peril.

[click, static hisses]

Blake Gripling to Carl Foutley!

Come in, Carl!

Carl Foutley?!

It only has one frequency.

Blake Gripling here

in need of emergency assistance

with quite a colorful story to share. Over.

Pinch the dough.

You don't want the blanket to fall off the pig, do you?

Macie, I know how to pinch a pickle pig.

It's not like this is my first snow day, you know.

[on walkie-talkie]: This is Blake Gripling to Carl Foutley.

Come in, Carl Foutley.

Huh?

I repeat

this is Blake Gripling

to Carl Foutley. Over.

Uh, Carl's not here.

This is Ginger Foutley.

Um, over.

Ginger?

Give me that!

Greetings, Ginger.

It's Courtney.

You'll never guess.

We've skidded into a snow bank

and are trapped in our limousine

without food... or magazines.

You must help!

BLAKE: Return that to me at once!

Courtney... where are you?

We're near the Lowland Pits sign.

Where's Carl?

He'll want a hand at rescuing me.

I was talking on that, you little brat!

Children! Our very survival is at stake...

[arguing and grunting]

Courtney!

Courtney?

Did you hear that?

Their survival is at stake!

[all gasp]

Macie, Dodie...

I think we found ourselves a topic.

[crackling, all gasp]

There is no more exciting a story of survival

than that which is unfolding.

We've searched for nearly minutes

and have no find no sign of the missing Griplings.

Yet still we survive.

Luckily I have brought along some essentials.

Space blanket, corn chips, lip gloss, Parcheesi

and luncheon meat.

GINGER: There's the sign.

I don't see them anywhere.

You know, if hypothermia's setting in

Courtney could be hearing voices in her head

and might have imagined the sign.

[Blake yelling]

Does anyone else hear that?

Oh, no... not you, too, Ginger.

Quick, Dodie, get the blanket!

No, no, listen.

BLAKE: Help, someone!

Over there!

I'd know the Gripling car anywhere! Quick!

We're coming, Courtney!

GINGER: Quick, let's get over there!

I'm going to save you!

[Muffin barking]

[cooing]

Oh! They're not going to peck my eyes out, are they?

Wow, Carl... you think of everything.

[barking]

CARL: Okay, Muffin.

Run over there and herd those birds

right into our net, okay?

You understand?

[barking]

Gosh... deep snow.

Yep... we're going to need some shovels.

Are you out of your gourd?

That will take us all day!

Let's go back before the girls eat all the good cereal.

Hoods, how can you look at those primo pigeons

and not think small fortune?

How can you not look at a box of Chewy-Os

and not think free decoder ring?

Oh, all right.

But I'm not shoveling all that way.

Let's go borrow my dad's snow blower.

[kisses]

I love that mind.

Carl... you smudged my goggles.

DODIE: Come on, come on, dig!

Dig, girls, dig!

I almost got it...

I think I see the door.

Courtney, can you hear us?

I bet all she can hear is a distant, tinny voice

telling her she must save France.

[grunts]

Let go!

Give it to me!

I am the youngest and frailest!

Stop it.

Stop it!

Aah!

She bit me, Winston.

Let the poor boy have the almond.

Back off!

This nut is mine!

GINGER: Huh? Courtney?

Ginger!

You came!

I knew you would.

Oh, I can't tell you how horrible this has all been.

I'm hungry, late for a pedicure and...

Ohh!

And cold!

My house is just down the hill.

We'll call your mom.

Hip hooray.

We are saved.

Find your own rescue team.

There's no more room on this lifeboat!

[grunts]

Wait for us!

Oh, kids, kids, wait!

BLAKE: Return at once!

Yup... some people are just

natural-born survivors.

[music playing on TV, Muffin barking]

[barking]

Uh, Dad?

Can Carl and I borrow the snow blower

so we can catch pigeons?

$,?

That showcase had a Jacuzzi, a dune buggy and instant rice!

Dad...?

Ask your mother.

You see how complicated having two parents can be?

JoAnn: My leg of lamb!

[growling]

Carl Foutley, get that dog out of here.

Right away, Jojo.

And don't call me Jojo.

[growling]

Dad said to ask you if we can use the snow blower

[muffled]: to catch pigeons.

Fine. Just be careful.

Come on, Hoods!

Okay, thanks, bye.

Staying at Carl's tonight.

[Muffin barking]

COURTNEY: Get out of my way!

[all yelling...]

GINGER: Courtney!

Wait up!

Oh, no!

That was a fresh pimento loaf.

Forget it, no time.

We have to capture Courtney's arrival

to a warm, comforting home!

Oh, this is going to be the greatest report we've ever done.

I just pray it has a happy ending.

BLAKE: Courtney! Return at once!

[revving engine]

[barking]Chill out, Muffin!

Ohh!

Oh... Ohh!

My dad's snow blower!

[grunts]

Muffin, no!

[barking]

[both gasp]

[barking...]

[grinding]

[chugging]

[stops]

Oh, no...

Muffin.

Gosh, Carl...

life sure is fragile.

[wind whistling...]

[sighs]

Sorry it's kind of cold.

The power went out a while ago.

Before we even had a chance

to bake our traditional pickle pigs.

How sad.

Ginger, your phone doesn't make that sound

that means you're dialing.

Guess the lines must be down.

No food, no power, raw hot dogs.

This has disaster written all over it! Oh...

Why don't I get you guys

some dry clothes to change into.

Yes. Now you're talking, Ginger.

Now, remember I look really good in pink.

May I mention that Master Blake has an allergy to Shetland wool?

Mohair, actually.

Only the cheap kind.

It is now hour six of our ordeal.

And finally there are signs of hope for Courtney's survival.

COURTNEY: Girls? Coming?

Oh, yes.

Coming, Courtney.

GINGER: Sorry, you guys.

I can't find anything to eat.

If only your brother hadn't fed

all the donuts to that dog.

Who knew we'd all be stranded here... hungry...?

Hungry and cold.

That's the last of the firewood.

People, you're bringing me down.

Aha... Mumma says a musical interlude

is the perfect way to deal with a difficult situation.

It's sing-along time!

Ginger, play.

Key of G.

G?

G, F, J, whatever.

Just play. I'll improvise.

[strumming]

[clears throat]

♪ Alas my love, you do me wrong ♪

♪ to cast me out discourteously ♪

♪ For I have loved you so long... ♪

Ohh...

♪ ...delighting in your company... ♪

[door creaks, shuts]

All right, young Blake.

Proceed cautiously.

Toe tags.

How juvenile.

Pickled frog?

How pedestrian.

[gasps]

Ah... when life gives you lemons

steal back petrified eyeballs!

[gasps]

HOODSEY: Hey, you're not the boss of me!

CARL: Think again.

Ohh!

♪ Greensleeves was my desire... ♪

WINTHROP: Stop it!

My mum sang me that song.

[crying]

Excuse me, but I was singing.

Oh, now I've lost my place!

That's hypothermic dementia

if I've ever seen it.

Can't you see that girl is freezing?

Ginger, where do you keep your a*?

We're burning this rocker!

But Macie, that rocker

belonged to my great-grandmother!

I don't think she needs it

as bad as Courtney does right now.

Stop, all of you!

I can't take it anymore!

There must be something to eat in this house.

Ohh...!

Admit it, Hoods.

You did it on purpose.

You never liked Muffin.

No way, Carl.

I mean, you're right, I didn't like Muffin

but I wouldn't want to hurt her.

Honest. I feel kind of bad.

Well, we may as well just kiss that spittoon goodbye.

I know... let's tell Dr. Randall

that Muffin climbed inside the snow blower

to stay warm

and now she's stuck.

And she doesn't want to come out.

I take back what I said about your brain.

Hold the phone.

Someone's been in my stuff.

Oh...

Gripling!

I, uh, quite like

what you've done with the place, Carl.

[laughs nervously]

Oh, you have no idea

what I'd do for a Salisbury steak right now.

But Courtney, the power's out.

There's not way to thaw any of that food.

Of course there is.

Winston, sit on this.

As you wish.

[gasps]

Courtney, I'm sure the phones

will come back any minute

and we can order pizza or something.

You don't have to freak out or anything.

Oh, yes, I do.

If anyone has a right

to freak out about this whole mess, it's me!

I'm the one who was locked out of the mall

missed a nail appointment

and am now stuck wearing pajamas with feet

on an empty stomach!

I urged you to have that scone this morning.

Can the butler act, Winston.

I'm in no mood.

A... ha!

Chocolate-covered raisins! Oh...

Yum, let me have some.

Get your own, sister.

These raisins are mine.

All mine!

Huh?

[screaming]

I know all about the dog.

What dog?

The dog in the snow blower.

What snow blower?

Don't play dumb.

If you can help it.

And I shall keep quiet... for a price.

One petrified eyeball.

[girls screaming]

Hey, we're missing something good!

[screaming and yelling]

What's going on?

Oh! My earwigs!

[knock on door]

Dr. Randall.

Please enter.

My permanent molars are coming in nicely, by the way.

Good. Wonderful. Where's Muffin?

Doc... what are you doing back so soon?

Oh, it's a long story.

Muffin...?

Daddy's home!

Carl? I believe you have something

which belongs to me now.

Muffin... Muffin...?

I just can't give you the pleasure, Gripling.

Dr. Randall, I regret to inform you

that Muffin has met her maker.

Yeah, three horsepower of maker.

[girls screaming]

What have you awful boys done to my dog?

[whistles sharply]

Will you people look at yourselves?

Ginger has opened her home to us

in the midst of a natural disaster

and this is how we repay her?

Yelling, screaming, fighting!

Not very attractive!

Oh... it's at times like this

that we must look to the Donners for inspiration

and put our best foot forward.

[girls gasp]

Okay, not a good example.

[Muffin barking]

Muffin! Muffin!

Oh, uh!

Muffin, you're okay!

Come to Daddy, Muffin-wuffin!

What's going on here?!

Mom!

Ginger, what did I tell you

about parties when I'm not home?

Believe me, Mom, this is no party.

She's right, Mrs. F.

We were just discussing that in times of crisis

we must put aside our selfish needs

and look out for one another.

The National Guard!

Out of my way!

No...!

Get back here!

WOMAN [on TV]: ...And earlier this evening

our StormCam captured an unidentified young woman

who, despite freezing temperatures and inadequate footwear

braved the blizzard of the century.

LOIS: You girls finish your report?

Almost.

You know, girls...

I think I smell Pulitzer.

CARL: It is so totally your fault.

HOODSEY: Hey, you're not the boss of me ever.