01x20 - An Even Steven Holiday Special

[bunniefuu]

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other side

♪ Well, I paid a visit

♪ While it's possible I missed it ♪

♪ It seemed different yet exactly the same ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪Till further notice♪

♪ Till further notice

♪I'm in between♪

♪ I'm in between

♪From where I'm standing♪

♪ From where I'm standing

♪ My grass is green

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other side.

[rock version of "Jingle Bells" playing...]

Hmm... not much of a family tree.

Mom, do you have a decent picture of Dad anywhere?

I need it for my family Christmas tree project.

Well, let's have a look-see.

Whoa...

What's the story with this guy?

The story with that guy is he's your grandfather.

Definitely post bar mitzvah but pre-matrimony.

You mean Grandpa was...?

One of the Chosen People, correct.

That's why he's wearing the yarmulke and the whole shebang.

So that means... I'm one-quarter Jewish!

Hmm... any other canned goods you don't fancy?

[frustrated sighing]

Carl, I'm trying to concentrate!

Okay, how does this sound so far?

"Dear Santa, thank you in advance

"for the numerous cool toys and fruit-scented body splash

that I know you are to bring me this Christmas."

You're not a big yams guy, are you?

Yes, I like yams, Carl.

Please let me continue.

"Mr. Claus, in addition

if it's not too much trouble

could you also bring me the gift of rhythm?

What?!

I can't groove, Carl, and you know it.

Look at me, I'm pathetic!

SINGER [to fast, funky rhythm]: ♪ Go, go, go, go...

[Hoodsey panting and grunting]

Hoodsey, man, control yourself.

[shuts off music]

You see what I mean, Carl?

It's a travesty!

JOANN: Robert Joseph!

Where in his good name are my canned goods?!

I'm doing my homework!

Oh... dear.

Didn't mean to disturb you.

Hoodsey, as your best friend

I feel it's my duty to inform you

that writing a letter to a man who doesn't exist

is a waste of valuable can-opening time!

What are you saying, Carl?

Hoodsey, there is no such thing as Santa Claus!

Uh, duh...

I hate to tell you this, Carl

but Santa Claus comes to my house

every single year, okay?

Oh, Hoodsey... this is your father.

You can totally tell!

[gasping]

My father, Carl?!

Oh, well, now that's just disgusting.

I mean, are you out of your mind?

Oh, I suppose myfatherstarred

inMiracle on th Street.

Oh, and rides a float

in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade every year?

Hoodsey, I'm begging you, listen to reason!

Okay, you know what?

I can't sit here and listen to you

disrespect Santa for one moment longer.

But...

Not a moment longer, Carl.

I think you should just

take your hands-free electric can opener and go.

[scoffs] Fine!

You know, I'm so sure

Santa Claus doesn't exist...

I'd bet the opener on it.

And what am I supposed to do with all these vegetables?!

BOTH: You're what?!

I'm Jewish.

Well, one-quarter Jewish, to be exact

but isn't it exciting?

I feel like I just discovered

this whole secret side of myself that I didn't even know existed.

I might even change my name

to something more Jewish-sounding.

Shayna Maidel Foutley! [laughs]

I've got a ton of research to do.

Call you later.

Okay...

I'm converting.

What?

Don't you see, Macie?

Soon there will be a million miles of distance

between us and the new Jewish Ginger.

Things will never be the same.

We don't need to convert to Judaism, Dodie.

We just need to support Ginger

while she explores her new heritage. Support.

I can do that.

LOIS: Okay. So this year

I'm thinking roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.

Ah, I think we should order Chinese again.

You can't do that two years in a row, Carl.

It loses its cachet.

What do you think, Ginger?

Uh, about what?

About our Christmas Eve

open house dinner, what else?

Mom, if we're part Jewish

don't you think we should be celebrating Hanukah?

You know, just to be fair.

I wasn't going for fair, I was going for festive.

Well, I guess I can't feel festive when there's

like, a whole part of our heritage being ignored!

Huh. I'm impressed.

See, I never felt particularly religious about anything.

Unless you count hollandaise sauce.

Ah, it's a clever trap indeed.

A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

Don't I know it.

Anyway, to be honest, Ginge

I think Hanukah is a great idea.

Let's do it.

It would make your granddad proud.

Um, Momster, as long you're taking requests

I'd like to cast a vote for Kwanza.

In my opinion, it's the only holiday that hasn't lost its cachet.

Dad...

you're not...

I mean...

you don't dabble in...

There is such a thing

as Santa Claus, isn't there?

You know, Santa doesn't take kindly

to those who don't believe.

Aw, it's not me who doesn't believe, Dad, it's Carl.

Oh, surprise, surprise.

The reason a little boy like Carl

doesn't believe in Santa Claus

is because he probably never gets his Christmas wish

because he's such a bad little boy.

Probably just gets a big old lump of coal every year.

Does not. Last year he got action figures

a mini tool kit and three sweaters.

All right, yes, but I bet that's not what he wished for.

MACIE: Aunt Bridget. She was a millionaire.

You may not know this, but she created the world's first dietetic orange drink.

Uh... uh, Ginger?

Do you want to bake Christmas cookies today after school?

It was called Lo-J.

Hello? Earth to Ginger.

Dodie, I'm learning about the traditions of my people.

Sorry, Ginger.

I, I totally didn't mean to disrespect you... or your people.

In fact, just to show you how supportive I'm being of your new religion

Ta-da! A Welcome to Judaism

gift bag!

Mazel tov!

Uh... creamed herring

and a previously viewed copy ofYentl?

Mitchey Mekelberg consulted on the contents.

Oh... Dodie...

His uncle's a rabbi.

[door opens]

Hello, Carl.

Hoods.

Did you try calling me?

Nope.

'Cause our phone was off the hook

for a little while... by accident.

Uh-huh.

Um... Carl, can I ask you a question?

Did you get what you wanted last Christmas?

I mean, did Santa Claus bring you what you wished for?

I told you, Hoodsey, I didn't wish for anything

because I don't believe in Santa Claus.

But did you ever believe, Carl?

I mean, even when you were little?

Well, sure, maybe when I was little.

And okay, perhaps I possibly used to make

some dumb Christmas wish every single year

but it never came true.

Hence, no Mr. Claus.

Well, what was the wish, Carl?

I don't remember, it was something stupid!

I think I used to wish my dad would come home

for the holidays or something like that.

Hey...

Let's go recycle your mom's

vegetable cans for spare change.

I don't think that's a stupid wish, Carl.

I don't think that's stupid at all.

Oh, this is really bringing back the memories, boy.

Mom, they're supposed to be matzohballs

not matzoh crescent moons.

So, I bought candles for the menorah

but the only thing is

I don't know any Hebrew

so as far as the candle-lighting prayer goes...

We can work up to that, kiddo.

Okay.

Our potatoes are minced

your matzoh balls are taking shape

and the kugel is cooling.

Looks like we got ourselves

a real celebration on our hands.

"And Hanukah is thy name."

Ho, ho, ho! Help those with no place to go, go, go.

Ew... tastes like snakes.

Hey, Hoods, let's go fake

an injury on the ice skating rink

so we can sue for damages.

I'll catch up.

Suit yourself.

Ho, ho, ho!

Help those with no place to go, go, go.

Santa Claus! Am I glad to see you!

I've got a real serious problem on my hands, real serious.

That boy you were with... Carl?

Yes, oh my gosh! It's about him!

Man, you're good.

See, Carl, he doesn't believe in you.

In fact, if I dragged him over here right now

he'd probably just say you were my dad.

Uh, listen, kid.

You should probably know

I'm Carl's...

Merry Christmas, Saint Nicholas!

Go away, Brandon!

Santa and me are talking!

Santa is for everyone, Hoodsey.

You can't hog him.

Go away, Brandon.

Merry Christmas and good-bye, okay?

You're a lot less attractive in person, you know.

Uh, you were saying?

Ever since Carl was a little boy

Carl asked you for one thing and one thing only.

A visit from his father on Christmas.

I know you're plenty busy

but, because you never listened to Carl's wish

Carl doesn't think you exist.

Please, Santa, this year, grant his wish for him.

How do you know that he even still wants that wish?

Trust me, Santa.

Carl is my best friend in the whole wide world.

I know what he wants.

Thanks, kid, I appreciate the tip.

Gah!

[blows raspberry]

Oh, sorry, Santa, got to go!

Okay, Foutley, shift's over.

You got kids, Harold?

Two boys, a little girl, and one on the way.

Merry Christmas.

And to you, my brother.

Go in peace.

That's what I'm trying to do.

[general conversation]

Lot of people think me and Aunt Bridget

bear an uncanny resemblance to each other.

What say you?

Oh, I do see it.

Especially around the mouth.

BOY: Pretty cool, huh?

I never thought about it like that before.

I just figured why should I make

a family Christmas tree if I don't celebrate Christmas?

Um, Ginger, sorry to interrupt, but

I just wanted to know if you were still planning

on coming over to my house to help trim the tree tonight?

Uh, I don't know.

But it's a tradition!

We do it every year.

Dodie... I'm just not sure that I feel comfortable

about tree-trimming anymore.

You mean... for environmental reasons.

No, for religious reasons.

Well, this is where I came in.

Happy holidays, ladies.

Enjoy your vacation.

I knew this would happen, Ginger!

What's that supposed to mean?

You've turned your back on Christmas!

And now you're turning your back on me, too!

Oh, that's not fair!

[crying...]

MACIE: Cookie?

I brought you one of each.

[beeps]

Yeah...

[chuckles]

Perfecto.

Carl...

Get ready to believe!

What?

Spoke to Santa today.

Totally cool, easygoing.

He even told Brandon Higsby to take a hike!

Hoods, you're beginning to scare me.

Carl! Every boy loves Santa!

Quit the campaign, Hoodsey.

It's getting on my nerves.

You know, I never thought I'd see the day

when anything came between us, Carl

but here it is.

A Wednesday.

Don't let the door hit you where the big guy split you.

That is so cold.

The Claus works in mysterious ways.

Santa will show himself to you, Carl.

And when he does, you will believe.

And in the spirit of Christmas

I'm going to let you keep the hands-free electric can opener.

Are you two downers or what?

Maybe Dodie is right.

Maybe I did turn my back on Christmas

just to be fair to Hanukah.

And that's not fair.

Ah, don't listen to Dodie.

Those Bishop kids are just plain weird.

Mom... do you think we could actually celebrate ChristmasandHanukah?

We could celebrate Fourth of July for all I care

but you kids better make your minds up quick.

Christmas Eve is tomorrow.

It's so clear to me now.

We're both, so we should definitely honor both traditions

and properly display icons from both holidays.

Carl, can you scare up a Christmas tree?

I could get Duane the garbage dude to pull a few strings.

And Mom...

Could you kick that Yorkshire pudding into high gear?

Huh, I could certainly try.

Then it's decided.

Christmas is on again!

Well, she ain't purty, but she's ours.

One quarter of the floor space goes to Christmas

one quarter of the floor space goes to Hanukah

and the remainder of the floor space

is to be divided up equally

among our visiting guests

no matter what their persuasion.

Even Steven!

Even Steven!

GINGER: Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah!

Or Happy Hanukah, Merry Christmas, in no particular order.

Happy Birthday, Baby J.! Andshalom.

Hi, Ginger. I...

Excuse me for a minute.

I've got latkes frying and gingerbread baking.

Oh, this is going to be harder than I expected.

Uh, Ms. Foutley?

Do you guys get cable?

So, you into garbage?

Beg pardon?

Duane Cochran, garbage dude.

Charmed.

[plays flourish]

♪ Jingle Bells, Higsby smells

♪ Dreidels made of clay

♪ Frosty the frigid snowman ♪

♪ went to his bar mitzvah day, hey! ♪

[music continues]

[cheering and applause]

You go, Carl!

Encore!

Wow, Carl.

You really k*lled.

Thank you.

I sure like your dashiki.

Uh, look, if you'll excuse me

I have to go help Darren rig up our neon lawn ornament.

Well, can I come?

Sure you want to hang out with a non-believer?

I don't care anymore, Carl.

To each his own and all that.

Plus I'd be really bored in here

hanging out with my mom all night.

Need any help?

I think I got it.

Hey, Ginger, listen, I'm really sorry

that I came down on you so hard about Christmas.

No, Dodie, you were right.

I wasn't being fair, but see?

Now everything is split right down the middle.

Food, decorations, music, totally integrated.

[forces laugh]

Even Steven.

You sure put a lot of hard work into all this.

Oh, yeah, but it was fun, you know, ha, fun.

Really?

Oh, yeah, ha, loads of it.

This is going to be good.

Okay, fire it up.

[all laugh]

You are sick, Carl.

Scored it from Duane.

Well, I better go.

It's getting pretty late

and I still need to think up a good snack to leave Santa.

Last year, I left nachos supremo

and he kind of stunk up the bathroom on his way out.

Again with the Santa?

Darren, will you talk some sense into this kid?

Look, if I'm not mistaken, not only does Mr. Claus exist

but he's sitting in a pickup truck parked at the end of your driveway.

CARL: I have news for you, gentlemen.

That ain't Santa Claus.

It's my father.

I'd know that truck anywhere.

Carl!

Dad.

I... get in.

I would, but...

See, my mom always warned me

about getting in the car with a total stranger.

Ouch.

I guess I deserve that.

So, you're looking well.

And you're looking... like Santa Claus.

Yeah, just a part-time gig, you know

when I'm not busy playing Superman.

Yeah, right.

Brought you a Christmas gift.

Go ahead, open it.

See, you don't need coins or anything.

I'm violently allergic to peanuts.

Oh, well, it's the thought that counts, Carl.

Yeah, I guess... but they make my throat swell shut.

I could die if I ate them.

Oh, well, I guess it's not very thoughtful then, is it?

Well, I guess I could dump out the peanuts

and use it for something else.

Hey, that would be great.

Thanks.

Your sister's not allergic to picture frames, is she?

Uh-uh.

Well, the house looks real nice.

The way it's all lit up kind of makes it looks like... it's on fire.

It's on fire, Carl!

The house is on fire!

[coughing...]

File out, women and children first!

Robert Joseph!

[screams]

[coughing]

Dad?

Well... if it ain't Father Christmas.

Merry Christmas, all.

It couldn't have been more... festive, Lois.

Uh, thank you, come again.

Bye now.

Sorry about the hair.

Merry Christmas.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm sorry, I, I...

I invited him.

You?

Yeah... but, uh...

I have to take off.

Got to see a man about a reindeer.

Oh, but wait!

Look at my...

Uh...

Oh, well, at least check out our...

Oh, no...

I'm sorry, kiddo.

You worked so hard on your whole Even Steven thing

and... now it's all kaput.

CARL: Yeah, but equally kaput

for who is to say wherein the fault do lay?

It could have been the lights of Christmas

or the candles of Hanukah.

Or that reindeer with a weak bladder causing a power surge.

[crying]

Don't cry, Ginger, there's always next year.

It's not that, Dodie.

I'm just... so embarrassed.

I mean, I got totally wrapped up in being p.c.

obsessing about all the stupid superficial holiday things and...

I forgot the most important thing of all.

Stop, drop and roll?

No... that the holidays are really about

close friends and family.

And right now, I don't care what holiday it is

because I'm surrounded by both.

[all sigh and laugh]

That was inspiring, Ginge. Truly.

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

Uh, I'm going to get...

I'm really glad you were here, Dad.

Jonas, thanks for stopping by.

Yeah, and, uh, thanks for the knight in red velvet routine.

Ah, it was nothing.

Huh... how about that, Lo?

We're, uh, standing underneath the mistletoe.

No, dad, you bet...

You wouldn't dare.

LOIS: Carl!

Yes!

Carl...

[panting]

"Maybe there is a Santa after all."

Oh, boy, since Carl's Christmas wish came true...

maybe mine did, too.

[funky music playing]

[grunting]

SINGER: ♪ So just throw your hands up in the air ♪

♪ and rock that big fat derriere... ♪

Drop down, ooh!

♪ Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go! ♪

[grunting...]

[music continues...]

Oh, yeah... ah...

HOODSEY: The Claus works in mysterious ways.