02x01 - Never Can Say Goodbye

[bunniefuu]

♪ Someone once told me th♪ On the other side. r ♪

♪ Well, I paid a visit

♪ While it's possible I missed it ♪

♪ It seemed different yet exactly the same ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪Till further notice♪

♪ Till further notice

♪I'm in between♪

♪ I'm in between

♪From where I'm standing♪

♪ From where I'm standing

♪ My grass is green.

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other side.

Young man, today is the first day of the rest of your life.

[laughing devilishly]

Now, say "ahh"

for Dr. Weinstein just one more time.

Ahh.

[gasps]

[horn honking]

LEXI: Looking good, Patterson, looking good.

DARREN: Really think so, Lexi?

Surprise!

Can you believe the amount of homework that Cilia gave?

Is this excruciating or what?

Hey, Ginger, if you took a minute to notice me,

you might actually notice me, okay?

What's that supposed...

Darren...

You're hot!

Well, I don't know about hot.

Maybe lukewarm.

It's not that you weren't,

it's just that now...

What I'm trying to say is I guess it's been a long time

since I've seen you without metal.

I know, right.

Got to go show Ma.

[mother squealing delightedly]

Look at you!

So what do you mean by "hot"

on a scale of one to ten?

Um, anyone mind if I help myself to the box?

An , Dodie.

Maybe even a -- honest.

Oh, warm pizza mucilage.

Straw, please.

An ?

For real?

Not that this ain't riveting conversation

but aren't you three supposed to be focusing on life science?

[slurping]

Mom, thisislife science... kind of.

Darren is like this beautiful butterfly

that finally came out of its cocoon.

Nice segue.

And now he's ready to spread his wings

and take flight.

Ginger, the last time you considered

developing feelings for Darren,

the whole thing was, like, over before it even started.

Wildly unrewarding for us spectators, got to admit.

You guys, I'm not in love with Darren.

I'm just happy for him.

Really, really happy for him.

He plunged at me with these huge blades.

They were four, maybe five feet long.

[girls gasps]

He placed the blades

right inside my mouth, and cr*ck--

snapped right through the metal.

Did it hurt?

Did it hurt?! Did it hurt?!

No, not really.

[girls laughing]

How could he?

We didn't even hear the story yet.

Okay, let's not jump the g*n, you guys.

I'm sure Darren is going to be heading over here any minute now.

[girls flirting]

GIRL: Oh, Darren, oh, you're so strong.

Okay, let's just give him one more minute.

[kids talking]

Best little monkey in the whole, wide world.

Yes, you are.

Oh, gosh, Carl.

Did Brandon Higsby's pet monkey die?

It sure sounds that way.

But he was so young.

So full of monkey life.

Higsby, we couldn't help but overhear.

Since you were practically shouting and everything.

Is your monkey, like, dead?

Not dead.

Just gone missing.

Somebody stole him.

Best little monkey in the whole world.

Yes, he was.

Who stole him?

If I knew the answer to that,

do you think I'd be standing here

next to the garbage pale blubbering like a whale?!

Whales don't actually blubber, Brandon.

They onlyhaveblubber.

It's an easy mistake, Carl.

Gentlemen.

Hoodsey.

The worse part is it's been nippy.

It just kills me knowing he's out there somewhere

without so much as a sweater.

I'm offering my whole life savings as ransom

but that's only $. and a glow in the dark sour ball.

The sour ball's lime.

Look, Higsby, you're in luck.

Hoodsey and I just happen

to do a little P.I.ing in our spare time.

P.I.ing?

Private investigating.

But it's total poppycock.

Is not!

We helped the police catch that dognapper.

Carl had his picture in the paper.

Do you really think

you can find Mr. Licorice for me?

I do, and our services fall within your price range.

Lucky me.

Indeed.

Don't listen to him, Higsby.

We're prepared to offer you

a monkey-back-or-your money-back guarantee.

Now you're talking.

Minus the cost of supplies.

The sour ball is nonrefundable.

We're firm on that.

GINGER: Okay, I'm trying not to freak.

So Darren didn't show up at lunch.

Does that really mean he totally forgot I'm alive?

Would you check my breath for freshness?

My pleasure.

[exhales]

Vinaigrette with a hint of scallop.

Oh, my gosh, that was yesterday's lunch.

So how about Darren Patterson?

Is it me or did he turn total hottie overnight?

Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?

Spit, Courtney.

[spits]

Now swish.

[swishing]

[spits]

Did you realize if you and Darren Patterson hook up

and then me and the fabulous Will Patterson hook up...

And then we have a double wedding...

BOTH: We'll be related!

[giggling wildly]

A lot of girls will go for Darren

now that he has his headgear off.

Do you think I'll get shut out?

Don't be absurd.

After all, you and he had

that whole summer camp experience together.

I hope Ginger Foutley doesn't take the news too hard.

Darrenwasher B.F.F.

and they're usually the first to know.

Well, in this case, Darren's B.F.F.

is going to be the first thing to go.

[camera whirring]

No shoes.

Oh, geez.

House rules, Robert Joseph.

But I'm moist-soled.

Nice place you got here, Brandon.

Rent or own?

Can I offer you boys a juice box?

That'd be swell.

Carrot-beet or tropical punch?

Tropical punch!

Uh, duh!

Some joint, all right.

Chef's kitchen, central air,

high-tech video surveillance system.

Say, Brandon, no chance those cameras are installed

throughout the entire Higsby compound.

In every room except the bathroom,

for obvious reasons.

This job may be even easier than I imagined.

Take me to the room where the monkey was last seen.

GINGER: And then I overheard Miranda and Courtney say

Darren would be spending less time hanging out with me

and they hope I don't take it too hard.

Take it too hard.

You wouldn't do that.

Yes, she would, Macie.

I stand corrected.

And you know Miranda's only doing this

to try to make me feel bad.

I'm not sure about that.

[giggling]: Stop it.

See for yourself.

Perhaps our little butterfly has indeed flown--

flown away.

Just because Darren has a girlfriend, that doesn't mean

that he can't hang out with us anymore... does it?

If that girlfriend is Miranda,

I don't know what it means, Ginger.

GINGER: "Approximately hours, minutes and ½ seconds

"have passed since Darren last dropped by my window.

"I have been, as they say in the world

of daytime talk shows, 'cold dissed.'"

[sobbing]

Let it all out, Linda.

The pain and the mucus.

I'm Dr. Fondfeelings. Hello.

The topic of today's show:

first he disses you, now he misses you.

Meet Sherry.

Before, a doting Sherry couldn't get Norman

to even notice she was alive.

But after using the patented Fondfeeling silent treatment,

who's zooming who?

Or should I say "whom?"

You go, girl.

The truth is, people respond to rejection.

They just do.

It just might work.

Of course it'll work.

See, I'm unzipping and importing the images from the trash,

selecting the viewing size and presto, we have playback.

And bless Stuart and Mommy and Daddy

and Mr. Licorice, the best little monkey

in the whole, wide world-- yes, he is-- and me.

Fast-forward.

You'll miss the part where I bless you and Hoodsey.

BRANDON: Now blow a kiss.

[blows kiss]

CARL: Aha!

BRANDON: No, it can't be!

I always thought it was Stuart who stole my money.

[blows raspberry, gibbering meanly]

BRANDON: How could he?!

No!

I don't understand it.

Me and Mr. Licorice, we were best friends!

Were you, though?

You didn't, like, change his diet

or anything recently, huh?

His diet was the same as always--

organic fruit, organic vegetables

and oodles and oodles of organic love!

[sobbing wildly]

Maybe that's the part he didn't like.

Did you find out about arranging things between me and Will?

Not yet, but maybe after school.

He's coming with me to my clarinet lesson.

Then I'm going to his house for dinner

and then to my house for dessert.

Oh... oh, I see.

This whole having- a-boyfriend thing

really eats up your free time.

Yes, it certainly seems that way.

Well, I've got to meet Darren at his locker.

Of course you do.

Follow the Fondfeelings formula, and just ice him.

See him in the hallway?

Look right through him.

[crying]

Courtney... Hi.

Ginger, I was just...

Uh, I had to...

[clears throat]

Would you mind checking my breath for freshness?

Sure... I guess.

This is the sort of thing

Miranda and I used to do together,

before... well, you know...

Yeah.

Honestly, I never would have encouraged her

to pursue this whole Darren thing,

had I known that she would become

so totally and utterly unavailable to me.

I know exactly how you feel, Courtney.

[yelling]: No, you don't!

Miranda was my right hand,

and now that she's gone, it's like, well,

all I have left is the left.

The left, you see?

The left!!

I've... got to go work on things with Darren.

I need both hands, Ginger, both hands.

And you forgot to check my breath.

According to Dr. Fondfeelings,

if I don't do something,

I'm going to lose Darren's friendship forever.

So what are you going to say?

Nothing-- that's the whole point.

You're just going to walk by,

like you don't even see him?

Like I don't even see him.

Ginge-- I was just thinking about you.

Listen, Miranda likes my hair on a side part,

but I'm not sure.

What do you think?

Ginger?

Hello?

Hello!

Oh, hey...

Well, don't sound so glad to see me.

No, sorry, it's just that...

Darren, we agreed

that you were going to call me

by a pet name from now on.

Right, um...

Sorry... Schmoo.

Look, I'm just a little preoccupied

because I think Ginger's mad,

and it may be because the...

[bell rings]

The bell, and F.Y.I.,

you might want to stop obsessing

over Ginger Foutley, P.D.Q!

You only have room for one woman

in your life now, and her name is Schmoo.

[sobbing desperately]

There are certain things you simply cannot own.

It's time you learned that.

Wind-baggery, Higsby.

Carl Foutley just doesn't care

to admit that he's failed.

Failed, I say.

Did not! And mind your own business.

Did you flush?

Please, no fighting.

Here, take it-- take it all,

but find Mr. Licorice for me.

[sobbing]

[bad clarinet playing]

Uh, Schmoo... remind me again

why I have to be here?

Uh... it's just the way the whole

boyfriend-girlfriend thing operates.

If you don't like the arrangement...

No, no, no, no, no, it's great.

It's great, really.

Uh, it's just that...

I haven't seen a whole lot of Ginger

ever since we started dating.

You should thank me for that.

Look, I made a lot of sacrifices

for this relationship, too.

You should have seen the look

on Courtney's face

when I told her I couldn't hang out.

Well, then, maybe we should take a day off

to spend time with our friends.

But that's not how the whole

boyfriend-girlfriend dynamic works.

There are things

about this boyfriend- girlfriend dynamic

that don't work, all right.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Like not being able to see

my friends, for one.

Is this about Ginger again?

Look! If I'm willing to accept

your friends, like Courtney,

then you have to be willing to accept

my friends, like Ginger.

It's hardly the same,

but fine, Darren, fine.

You don't have to shout.

And another thing, Schmoo!

I don't like the side part.

It's not working for me!

[gasps]

Well, fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

[gasps]

Oh, my gosh.

Our first fight.

Wow.

I guess so.

[laughs nervously]

Now go ahead and leave,

but call me later to make up, okay

because that's what boyfriends and girlfriends do.

Miranda...

Shh, shh, shh-- don't speak.

"Icing Darren felt really bad, but now only time will tell

if such drastic measures actually worked."

Knock, knock.

Hey, look, Ginger, I know you're mad.

Is it because of Miranda?

Is it because I didn't sit with you guys at lunch?

[whistling]

I'm sorry, okay?

I guess I just got caught up

in all the attention for a minute.

But come on, do you have to give me

the silent treatment?

You know, you blew me off once or twice

when Courtney came knocking,

but I never acted like this.

I just came by to see

if you wanted to hang out with me

at the cheese plate factory

tomorrow after school.

You know, like old times.

[sighs]: I guess not.

I guess... this is good-bye.

[slurping]

[cash register rings]

It doesn't taste right, Carl.

Too much syrup?

No, it's bitter with the taste

of unfound monkey.

Relax, Hoods.

I told Brandon

it was minus the cost of supplies.

Whoa!

Uh-oh.

Let's get him!

I don't know what to do.

The silent treatment kind of worked,

because Darren did show up.

Who says it was the silent treatment that worked?

Darren is your friend.

He was going to come around one way or another.

Give him a little credit, Ginger.

We'll wait for you in Pierce-a-topia.

That monkey is a fugitive.

He belongs to a friend of mine.

I'd know him anywhere.

[chattering]

That's nonsense.

I got him from my usual supplier.

If you want him, you'll have to pay,

just like everyone else would.

It's going to totally eat up our profits.

It's the right thing to do, Carl, and you know it.

[groaning]

It's hardly enough.

[hooting]

Shame on you, Mr. Licorice!

You're Brandon's monkey and you know it.

[loud, terrible screeching]

[sobbing]

On second thought,

take him-- and quickly!

So, mules or clogs, capris or bootlegs?

Clogs, bootlegs, no, but that's just me.

Oh, Miranda!

I have been positively lonesome without you.

Did I tell you that Mipsy is going to cut her hair?

No way.

No way!

When did this happen?

I'm missing everything.

I never have this kind of

thought-provoking conversation with Darren.

[sighing]

Can I sit down?

Wow.

Are you actually talking to me?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Darren, sorry I was giving you

the silent treatment.

It's just that first you dissed me, and...

I didn't diss you, Ginger.

I just got a little

caught up for a minute, that's all.

I know-- I should have given you a chance.

But Dr. Fondfeelings said that...

Wow!

You saw a therapist over this?

Not exactly.

She was on Channel .

Oh.

I really don't want

to lose you as a friend,

and if that means

being supportive of you and Schmoo,

I'm ready to do that.

[clearing throat]

Darren, can I talk to you for a minute?

This isn't working out for me

and it's not just because of the side part either.

Miranda...

Please! Let me finish.

Courtney misses me.

I'm missing everything

and I don't want to have to pretend

that I like Ginger Foutley.

So, I guess this is good-bye.

Just so you know.

All things considered,

you're a pretty good boyfriend.

You weren't bad yourself, Schmoo.

Miranda!

Pierce-a-topia closes early today.

We have to hurry if we want toe jewelry.

Later.

[Miranda and Courtney giggling]

So... you think Dodie and Macie

will take me back at the lunch table?

I think I can pull a few strings.

Did someone teach Macie to rollerblade?

Does Dodie still need help with that book report?

Did you seal your bedroom window shut?

No, yes, and no, Darren, of course not.

[sighs with relief]

Because my social calendar

is about to really open up.

The thing of it is

he didn't want to come back.

He put up a real fight.

I don't care.

Listen to me, Brandon!

He doesn't like you.

Neither do you and Hoodsey, but so what?

Don't you see?

The monkey is what makes me interesting.

Without the monkey,

I'm just an annoying little boy.

And with the monkey?

I'm an annoying little boy with a monkey-- that's something.

You can't hide behind your monkey forever.

Hoods.

[chattering]

Come on.

[hooting desperately]

Talk about a dysfunctional relationship.

We should talk.

Oh, yes, Mr. Licorice, this is your home,

and that is your cage.

You can't change that.

[hooting]

I think-- if I'm not mistaken--

what he wants to change... is you.

Me?

But I know what's best for Mr. Licorice.

[wailing]

Wait... I'm willing to work on this relationship.

Just tell me what to do.

Stop micro-managing the monkey

and let his cage get a little dirty.

Let him ditch that dorky bow-tie.

It's annoying.

It's embarrassing.

It's a little of each.

Point taken, duly noted.

And boys-- thanks.

Don't mention it.

All in a day's work.

Let me just tidy up your fur a smidgen.

[chattering]

BRANDON: I got you now.

Well, it's like I always say:

you can lead a horse to water...

But you can't change his spots.

Boy, don't I know it, brother.

Not exactly where I was going,

but close enough.

HOODSEY: Hey, Carl?

I know it sounds kind of crazy,

but about that juice box...

I kind of regret not having tried carrot-beet.

Yeah.

I feel that I should be

more open to new experiences...

You're pretty open.

...and tastes, too.

[Miranda laughing]

Stop it!