02x18 - No Hope For Courtney

[bunniefuu]

♪ Someone once told me th♪ On the other side. r ♪

♪ Well, I paid a visit

♪ While it's possible I missed it ♪

♪ It seemed different, yet exactly the same ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪Till further notice♪

♪ Till further notice

♪I'm in between♪

♪ I'm in between

♪From where I'm standing♪

♪ From where I'm standing

♪ My grass is green.

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other side.

[girls giggling]

That's just so sad.

And then she was all

"Don't get snotty with me, girlfriend."

I was all "I'm not your girlfriend, girlfriend."

GIRL: Excuse me.

I just need to, um...

Oh! Oh, my gosh!

You got my top wet.

That's because my hands are wet.

I've been trying to get a paper towel,

but you were telling a story

and didn't hear that...

Oh, I'm sorry, Faith.

Did you say something?

Courtney, we're going to be late.

[sobs]

And then-- whoosh!--

Courtney flushed the girl's nameplate belt

right down the toilet.

[sobbing]

Oh, my gosh, what's-her-name is crying.

This is horrible.

Whatisher name?

Isn't it, um... Faith something?

I think she's in my French class.

Well, I'm totally blanking.

GIRL: I can hear you guys, you know.

I'm standing right here.

Is there anything we can do to help?

No one ever notices me!

No one even knows my name.

Two seconds ago,

Courtney Gripling actually called me Faith.

Oh, come on...you.

Why not try just, you know, standing up for yourself?

Hold your head high, maybe make a few changes.

Personally, I think the knit beret

is a serious detriment to your hair flip.

Thanks, you guys.

Maybe I'll give it a sh*t.

That's the spirit... um...

The name's Hope.

If Gordo's more than eight minutes late,

the day's declared permanent recess,

unless, of course, they send in a...

[footsteps approaching]

[laughs sinisterly]

substitute.

[wetting spitballs]

Hep Cat Hepper?

Hold your fire.

Whoa.

I didn't know I was entering enemy territory.

Now, listen up, folks.

I'm here because your teacher, Mrs. Gordon,

has unexpectedly retired, dig?

Uh... Mr. Hepper, I'm afraid I don't dig.

I only know she was spotted running out of the building,

muttering something about last straws,

plastic toads

and a pint of wood glue.

Told you she wouldn't think it was funny.

GINGER: It's just that I remember feeling like that myself.

I think it was second grade.

Before I hooked up with you guys,

I hadn't really made any friends,

and I didn't really feel like I...

you know, belonged.

Oh, here she is.

Hope Rogers-- oh, of course.

I just wish there was some way we could pass on

the secret of being noticed to her, you know?

To Hope Rogers and me both.

But what separates the Hopes from the Courtneys?

Naturally long eyelashes

and the ability to pull off horizontal stripes?

I'm being serious.

Why couldn't Hope Rogers be

every bit as popular as Courtney Gripling?

You have to want it.

I think she does.

You have to work it.

I think she could.

You have to have the time,

the resources, the snappy comebacks.

Are you getting this?

HOPE: So... what do you think

of the new me?

The earrings.

I switched from gold posts to silver.

Silver is the new gold, right?

Actually, I'm pretty sure

that silver was last year's gold.

I think this year's gold is gold again.

You're right.

They should call me Hopeless.

Here, we've compiled a list of, uh... tips,

you know, to help you come out of your shell and stuff.

[discordant music playing]

Good enough for today.

Go on home... please.

Fellas, what gives?

Carl's upset

because he drove Mrs. Gordon to an early retirement.

His harmless pranks and blatant disrespect were intended

to drive her crazy, not drive her away, dig?

Indeed I do.

Look here.

The year was .

I was playing an after-hours club

with Herbie Hyperventilatin' Harris and Fatback Cohen.

One day, Fatback got a paying gig with a wedding band.

Left us high and dry.

Sure, we were bummed at first,

but if the trio hadn't broken up,

I never would have ended up here teaching you kids.

Catch my drift?

So, what you're saying is,

if you'd gotten Fatback to come back,

you could have gone on to fame and fortune

as a world-renowned jazz trio.

Well, no, uh...

You heard the man, Hoodsey.

Gordo is our Fatback Cohen.

We can't let her leave us high and dry.

We're going to get Gordo back or die trying.

[kids talking at once]

[kids gasp]

Oh, Ginger, you did it.

COURTNEY: Oh, nice haircut...

Charity.

The name's Hope,

as in "Sure hope your memory's

not as bad as your manicure, Courtney."

Huh!

Ooh...not bad.

I can't thank you guys enough for helping me out.

Hope, take a seat.

I can't do that either.

As you may or may not know, my new look and blasé 'tude

have catapulted me towards instant popularity.

[in French accent]: My fair lady, perhaps you'll do me the honor of--

how you say?-- snarfing the lunch with me?

[kisses]

[giggles]

Toodles.

Girlfriend works fast.

Beginner's luck.

HOPE: Sorry about snubbing you girls.

My public approval rating is through the roof,

so now I can safely socialize with anyone I choose to.

And after snacks, Mama's put together a little slide show

documenting the progression of my dimples

from birth to their current award-winning state.

[girls ooh]

So, shall we?

[clears throat]

Hopeyou left your schedules open, people.

I'm hosting an impromptu water disco this afternoon

in my parents' above-ground glass-bottom pool.

[girls exclaim]

Who knew Hope Rogers had a glass-bottom pool?

Who knew Hope Rogers?

Yoo-hoo, Ginger!

Over here please.

Miranda, entertain these people.

I need to talk to Ginger.

[groans]

So... hear any good jokes lately?

[girls laughing]

Look at her!

Three days ago, she was nobody.

What happened?

Uh...

she came out of her shell.

And into mine...

if I had a shell, which I don't.

Courtney...

She's copying all my moves.

Oh, look at that triple hair flip.

That is mytriple hair flip!

Something has gone horribly wrong

in the popularity universe,

and you're going to help me put things right.

Courtney, don't you think Hope deserves a little attention?

I mean, just the other day, she was...

Popularity is a business, Ginger,

and I'm just protecting Mama's investment.

Now, I need you to let it slip to Jean-Pierre

that Hope has six toes.

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to help you ruin Hope Rogers.

But you'll let her ruin me?

Oh, well, fine.

That's just fine.

You girls,

Hope Rogers is off limits, you hear?

Not so much as a hello in the hallways.

I mean it.

What's her deal?

Yeah, she's acting like she's Hope Rogers or something.

[girls laughing]

CARL: After you, Hoods.

Will do, Carl.

I haven't the faintest idea what you're up to,

but do you mind?

Your ridiculous chapeau

is blocking my view of the world map.

Oh, sorry, old bean.

Cats.

Macintosh, Mr. Hepper, sir?

Go ahead.

It's organic.

Nice threads.

Nice food.

Nice attitudes.

I'm impressed.

Great!

So would you, like, pass the word along

to Gord... Mrs. Gordon

that me and Hoods are completely reformed?

And that she should feel free to come back anytime.

You can tell her yourself.

She's coming by on Thursday

to pick up the rest of her kit and caboodle at lunch.

By the way, that little speech you gave yesterday inspired me.

I tracked down my lost cats,

and the three of us are going to jam this weekend.

Hear that?

He's got his Fatback,

and we're going to get ours.

DODIE: Rumors are swirling

that Jean-Pierre is giving Hope his ID bracelet after gym.

Hey, Hope!

Great party yesterday.

COURTNEY: Ginger Foutley...

you'd better not be talking

to who I think you're talking to,

unless, of course,

it's to tell her her roots are showing,

which they are...

a lot.

[girls ooh]

Nice sh*t.

I... uh...

You can't just talk like that to a person.

Why, I...

It's okay, Ginger.

She's just jealous

because I'm a smart, beautiful and successful student,

and the only As she can get

are the ones her parents pay for.

Why, she just implied I...

I mean...

I just...

That is...

Courtney?

I've never seen anything like that.

That's talent.

Miranda...

I didn't think this would ever happen,

but you've lost your mojo, girlfriend.

Hope, wait up!

Be your best friend, 'kay?

How dare you?!

You've ruined my life by siding with that... that...

Conniving vixen.

Conniving vixen!

Thank you.

Welcome.

I'm sorry, but you were coming down on her so hard.

Too late for sorry, Ginger.

And now I'm out one best gal pal.

You, you're hanging out with me now.

[giggles]

It's nothing personal,

but a popular girl needs a doting sidekick.

[giggling nervously]

A few ground rules:

No giggling; no talking,

except to compliment me or my fashion choices;

and no Hope Rogers.

Got it?

Got it.

They squirt ink, right?

Or they're filled with bees.

But they're for real.

So's a hernia, but I don't want one of those either.

But we just picked them.

See all the clumps of dirt stuck to the roots?

Look, Mr. Hepper filled me in

on all this "new leaf" riff you're playing,

but even if it were true...

Ah, which it is.

Then you've improved without me,

so the last thing I should do is come back.

Now, just leave me alone so I can pack up my desk in peace.

Hear that?

We've got no Fatback, Hoods.

[lively conversation]

I've never seen anyone

get so popular so fast,

and it's all thanks to you, Ginger.

Why am I suddenly thinking

that's not such a good thing?

Is her mascara black or midnight blue?

[giggles nervously]

Well, it's hard to tell from here.

Oh, what am I thinking?

It must be black-- she's wearing black shoes.

[frantically]: Or maybe not.

Could the combination of black and blue

suddenly and inexplicably be in?

Is it? Oh, tell me.

You're keeping something from me,

[screaming]: aren't you, aren't you?

Um, I have to go, um, get a refill.

Be right back.

It's happened-- Courtney Gripling's totally cracked.

[sighs]: Figures--

she finally needs me, and now she's damaged goods.

COURTNEY [shakily]: Well, I thought

black and blue would... well, I...

[gasps]

Oh, guys, this is terrible.

Courtney doesn't belong, and I know how that feels.

Right, it was second grade,

you hadn't hooked up with us yet...

Macie, this is worse,

because Courtney knows what she's missing,

and it would be like if I lost you guys.

Ooh, I feel her pain.

I tweaked Hope once.

Maybe I can tweak her again.

Hey, it's Ginger, my heroine.

She defended me the other day;

I owe her big time.

Glad to hear it, because I have a favor to ask.

What do you say to asking Courtney to sit with you?

Well... all right,

but only as a favor to you, Ginger.

Well, Courtney,

even though you were really nasty

and tried to undo me

in my newfound popularity,

I'd like to invite you to sit with me

at the popular girls' lunch table.

[laughs drily]

No, thank you-- you being nice to me

after I had already planned on not being nice to you

will just make you even more popular.

I know all the tricks, sister.

I wrote the book!

And furthermore, thisis the populr girls' lunch table.

Well, I gave it my best,

but there's just no fighting "bitter."

Oh, hey, guys, guys,

I think we can do better than this.

No, Ginger, we can't,

and if you know what's good for you,

you won't hang out with Courtney either.

You're telling me who I can't hang out with?

Well, yes-- I'm the new star

and I deem Courtney "loser,"

and if you hang out with her, then you're a loser, too.

She called me a loser?

Me? Courtney...

Courtney...

Gripling.

Oh, now I'm not even remembering me.

[sobbing]

CARL: I can't believe

I acted like this all week for nothing.

Well, if Gordo thinks

I'm better off without her,

she's got another think coming.

You've got an idea?

Depends... can we get our hands

on some scented whoopie cushions,

water balloons filled with spoiled mayonnaise,

and a sock full of flying roaches?

It may take a few phone calls, but I think so.

CARL: Then, Hoodsey, my friend,

I have an idea.

CARL: Hope just heard the news.

The mayonnaise splattered so,

they'll take days to clean the bleachers.

Now Gordo's got to come back.

[happily]: We're out of control!

[rings doorbell]

[locks and chains clicking]

Stay away, Foutley.

[from inside]: You're out of control.

Only you can save us.

[many cats meowing]

As long as you two are terrorizing Lucky Elementary,

I wouldn't go back there with a bodyguard and a hazmat suit.

LOIS: And I said to her,

"I don't care if it's a fruit, a vegetable,

"or General Sherman's derriere,

just bag my tomatoes and leave me in peace."

Okay, what gives? Because I just gave you

my best anecdote of the day.

[kids both talk at once]

Whoa, whoa, one problem at a time!

Well, Moms, it's like this.

Gordo was my Fatback Cohen, and without her,

I may never play jazz the way I was meant to.

I've tried everything to get her back, and nothing's worked.

Well, have you tried talking

to Fatback... uh, Mrs. Gordon,

asking her to come back?

I can't talk to her;

she won't let me come near her house.

Look, I say you just let the woman cool down,

then throw her a retirement party and move on.

Find a new Fatback,

you know?

A party, that's it.

May I be excused? Thanks, Mom.

Me, too-- thanks, Mom.

CARL: Because let's face it, Gripling,

your place is more swank

for a retirement party-type deal.

Mrs. Gordon was my favorite teacher, too, you know?

The Gripling manse it is.

Think you can handle everything?

Food, fancy punch, valet service?

Surely you jest.

Well, sounds like you've got everything covered.

Oh, and, uh, me and Hoods will handle the entertainment.

Oh, I...!

[shouting angrily]

Hey, Courtney, that was some stunt

Hope Rogers pulled yesterday, huh?

Trying to win public approval

by inviting you to hang out with her?

It was so good it could have been one of my own.

Well, if it had been your own,

it would have been ex*cuted

on a much, much grander scale.

Much grander.

You would have thrown a huge party for her,

one that would score points with the student body

while at the same time setting a new standard

for junior high parties on the whole.

You're right--

I would have... I should have... I will!

I'll throw a party,

apologize publicly to Hope,

and people will love me again.

I'm brilliant!

Oh, you know, talking to me could be

detrimental to your social standing,

as in "Why are you?"

I'd rather be nice than popular.

Only because you've never been popular.

See you.

[jazz playing inside]

Crab puff, Mrs. Gordon?

So, where's Foutley and that gullible sidekick of his?

I thought they'd be here

to terrorize me one last time.

Foutley, Foutley, Foutley!

Is he the only student you ever noticed?

[quietly]: Oh, oh, sorry.

I have no idea where that came from.

Better refill the tray.

[clears throat]

Ta!

COURTNEY: Attention, guests.

Thank you all for coming.

I owe each and every one of you

an apology for my recent behavior

and... appalling fashion choices,

but most of all,

I'd like to apologize to Hope Rogers.

[crowd murmuring]

You mean, she didn't even show?

But we've already started to melt.

[sobbing]

[wailing]: Why, why, why?

I don't know whether to be

fascinated or horrified.

Oh, that floor might bruise

your delicate fists.

Here, pound on my hands.

HOPE: You are such a total faker.

[crowd gasps]

You're the faker, Hope Rogers.

I wore that exact same outfit

on our last class trip.

[screams]

[crowd yells]

Don't, stop it.

It's not about being popular; it's about belonging.

[crowd yells]

Oh, my gosh...

who did your highlights?

Sven at Goddess Salon-- why?

They are the exact shade of butter I asked my colorist for,

but I ended up more in the honey wheat family,

don't you think?

That color looks great on you.

In fact, everything looks good on you.

Well, that's why I was okay

with using you as my model

when I reinvented myself.

I guess I was kind of trying to be you.

That is so sweet.

And now you've learned how important it is

just to be yourself, right?

No.

Ginger, don't be silly;

it's so much better being me.

Cour, be both of your best friends, 'kay?

Oh, well, I'm glad at least

welearned something.

I didn't.

I still yearn to be popular.

CARL: Hit it, Cats!

[band plays intro]

♪ You're the butter on my biscuit ♪

♪ The hair on my mole

♪ I was lost before I met you ♪

♪ But, Gordo, now I'm whole ♪

♪ You're the tartare on my steak ♪

♪ The ketchup on my eggs

♪ School just won't be the same ♪

♪ Without that white hair and those spindly legs ♪

♪ So take a tip from Foutley, Gordo, ♪

♪ Hear my plea

♪ And march that old butt

♪ Back to Lucky Elementary.

[song ends]

We need you, Gordo.

Come back to us... please, baby.

I tried everything to get you back

except the honest thing.

Bottom line, I really miss you,

so will you come back, please?

No one likes a kiss-up, Carl.

[groaning, mumbling in sleep]

[shouting]: Gordo!

[gasps]

HOODSEY: Relax, Carl.

I can practically hear

those librarian-style shoes right now,

I tell you, clunking down the hall.

Huh?

[footsteps approaching]

She's coming back!

[whispering]: I... just want to say something.

[continues whispering]

[clears throat]

Uh, class, I... have some very unfortunate news,

very unfortunate, indeed.

A dear friend, a respected teacher,

Elaine Gordon, has passed on today.

I... think she would have wanted you all to know

that she loved her job, and she loved her students,

each and every one of you.

The memorial service will be held this weekend

and it would mean a lot to her

if you children and your parents were in attendance...

MRS. GORDON: No one likes a kiss-up, Carl.