03x06 - About Face

[bunniefuu]

♪ Someone once told me th♪ On the other side. r ♪

♪ Well, I paid a visit

♪ While it's possible I missed it ♪

♪ It seemed different yet exactly the same ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪Till further notice♪

♪ Till further notice

♪I'm in between♪

♪ I'm in between

♪From where I'm standing♪

♪ From where I'm standing

♪ My grass is green.

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other side.

Very good, then, Principal Milton.

Will do.

See you first thing in the morning, then.

Principal Milty?

Oh, no-- what'd I do?

Milton and I were simply discussing

the particulars of my new job--

[voice slows and distorts]: teaching home economics

at Lucky Junior High.

[gasps]

Dodie, can you talk to us?

Could you tell us what's wrong?

[whimpering]

My... my mother teaching full-time

at Lucky... Junior High.

Got your thumb hooked under my collar bone there.

Would you please release?

Well, what's your mom teaching, Dodie?

What's the difference?

My mom is not fit to be around kids, Ginger.

I can confirm that.

Okay, okay.

Let's just play it out here.

Worst-case scenario.

Your mother gets a job teaching...

Home economics.

...home economics at Lucky Junior High.

Okay, then what?

She humiliates me by acting like a total crab at school.

Then what?

All the cool kids

who used to know me as nobody

now know me as the daughter of the total crab

who teaches Home Ec.

There-- is that so bad?

Yes! Yes!

A resounding yes!

[sighs in exasperation]

SALESMAN: Uh, anything tickle your fancy, sir?

Frankly, my fancy isn't all that ticklish to begin with.

Plus these stones are downright unimpressive.

Either the cut lacks brilliance

or the setting is tasteless.

How q*eer-- a discriminating nine-year-old.

I'm in my double digits, thank you very much.

Listen up, this ring is for a very special lady--

a very special lady--

so we're looking to be on the high end of the low end,

if you catch my drift.

Indeed I do, sir.

Might I suggest taking a peek at our back room.

It's where we house our more exclusive collection.

CARL: Now you're talking.

[whistles]: This way, Dave-O.

Right.

BLAKE: Carl Foutley.

Carl Foutley.

With our elementary years quickly drawing to a close,

why do I still find myself haunted by those same two words?

"Carl Foutley."

I know one thing for sure.

If I am to face the corridors of junior high

with one single scrap of dignity,

the score must be settled!

Uh, hi there, Lois.

You look lovely.

Say, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?

Uh... there is a ring involved.

Okay, this is never going to work.

For starters, Mom's fingers are a lot fatter than mine.

This sucker barely fits me.

[grunting]

Oh, great-- it's stuck.

Uh, relax your knuckle, Carl.

Relax your... come on.

Relax your knuckle, son, do you hear me?

[grunting]

CARL: Ow!

Will that be cash or charge?

I'm just saying that's a small ring.

Never spaz, Dave-- I have a plan.

It involves fried chicken dinners, buttered popcorn

and this little baby slipping right through my fingers.

Then we get the ring resized

and you claim the Momster as your bride.

Yes.

It's just that...

well... there is one little step between buying the ring

and making the proposal.

What's that?

My mother.

I'm afraid your mother has to meet my mother.

Afraid?

Huh-- interesting choice of words.

Who's Josie?

Everyone called me Josie when I was a teenager.

Well, maybe they didn't, but I wanted them to.

But you're not a teenager.

J. Lo wears the cornrows, doesn't she?

I want to make sure the Courtney Griplings

and Miranda Killgallens stand up and take notice.

[voice rising]: Take notice of what, Mother?

Of Josie, of course.

It's never too late, Deirdre Hortense.

Uh, too late for what, Mother?

Hey, nice-looking rock, bro.

Mind if I take a gander?

Be my guest.

Ah, an emerald cut with three supplementary baguettes--

understated, yet elegant.

I'm sure...

Ms. Sussman will be delighted.

Whoever said this ring was for Noelle?

[eerie, echoing guffaws]

What's that awful sound?

It sounds like a middle-aged goat being slaughtered.

Tortured andslaughtered.

[eerie laughter continues]

DODIE: No, girls, you're both wrong,

for, you see, I'm afraid I know exactly what that sound is.

It is the infrequent, yet highly irritating sound

of my mother laughing.

[guffawing]

Girlfriend, if that Ian Richton were any cuter,

there'd be a cover charge

to watch him eat a burger in the cafeteria.

Okay?

Can I get a high five?

[silence]

What's everybody laughing about?

HTBT.

HTBT?

As in "Had To Be There,"

and you weren't.

Shame.

That Josie is too much.

Way too much.

HTBT?

She really said that?

Wow! That's messed up.

Did you call her on it, Dodie?

Did you tell her she hurt your feelings?

Josie's doing a better job of fitting in

than I ever did.

But in the end, he caved

and let me use that coupon

even though it had already expired.

And that was dope,

because trash bags can be mighty expensive, girlfriend.

High five on that?

[others laughing]

I'm not so sure, Dodie.

Kind of looks like they're laughingather

and notwithher.

Maybe my mom was a Courtney

back when she was my age.

Maybe those girls sense the popularity gene...

dormant, but alive within her.

I'm not certain she's with us anymore.

I could learn a lot from her.

[Ginger groans]

Noelle, forgive the preamble,

but I'd like to say that I deliver this unfortunate news

with the best of intentions.

You know I've always been quite fond of you.

Yeah, right.

That's why when I went to Lucky,

you invited every single kid

to your birthday parties except for me.

Oh... oh, Noelle, that was an oversight--

an annual oversight.

Whatever.

Right.

Let's see, then.

[gasps]

Do you know this creature?

Do I?

That's Polly Schuster-- part bird

and part snake.

Yes.

As you can see,

your boyfriend Carl is rather cozy with her.

The last thing I want to do is come between the two of you,

but I'm afraid there's more.

You see, just hours ago,

he was seen sporting a quality diamond engagement ring.

He told me in no uncertain terms

that it was not for you.

You... you think it's... for Polly?

That remains my firm belief, yes.

Double-crosser.

My deepest condolences are with you, Noelle,

for what I am sure is your darkest hour.

Oh!

I suggest you dump him before he dumps you.

No one is dumping anyone.

It ain't over till it's over, Gripling.

Just remember that!

I find your pigheadedness

both heartwarming and pathetic all at once.

Dr. Dave, there's a fibroid in room

with your name on it.

So it's really okay to have my mother over for dinner?

I mean, I've been wanting the two of you to meet for some time now.

Absolutely.

I'd love to meet the mother behind the doctor.

She competes for blood supply,

and in doing so, sucks the life out of her host.

Who does-- your mother?

[giggles nervously]

No, silly, the fibroid in room .

Oh.

Thank goodness.

You scared me there for a minute.

♪ 'Cause I'm your mama, that's why ♪

♪ Because I said so, hit it, boy ♪

♪ Because no means no

♪ Till I say it isn't so

♪ Ahh, 'cause I'm your mama, that's why ♪

♪ Don't you mess with your mama ♪

♪ Because I said so, hear me, boy ♪

♪ Mama know what she talking about ♪

♪ Don't you back-talk your mama ♪

♪ Because I said so, hear me, boy ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm your mama

[echoing]: ♪ I'm your mama, I'm your mama... ♪

DODIE: Mother, slow down.

Aren't you going to give me

a ride home?

Don't you "Mom" me in front of our peeps.

And I'm not going home.

Tell your father to start dinner.

I'm going with Miranda to her clarinet lesson,

and then I have to swing by Mipsy's

to help deep-condition her hair.

GINGER: Maybe Dodie's finally starting to come around.

She looked angry after school today

when her mom blew her off, and she should be.

With all due respect to JoAnn Bishop,

her alter ego Josie is a backstabbing,

social-climbing, popularity-obsessed wannabe.

And for as much as I love Dodie,

I think she has the potential to be a Josie

if she doesn't watch it.

MAN: And then you add some water, and see?

All the beautiful little mashed potatoes appear like magic.

Ha! It's fun when you make dinner, Dad.

Don't tell that to your mother.

You know how she feels about fun.

[Dodie sighs loudly]

What's wrong, pumpkin?

Dad, Mom must have been, like, a total popularity queen

in middle school or something,

because she attached herself to the cool girls

and she's treating me like she doesn't even know who I am.

Let me show you something, Dodie.

There.

That's Josie.

Miss Popularity?

That's Mom?

That's Josie McDonald.

She was the most popular girl in our middle school.

Here's your mother:

"Missed Popularity."

[giggles]

She looks just like you, Dodie.

Yeah.

Mother was obsessed with the cool crowd,

with fitting in, being popular,

and sometimes she did things that weren't so nice

just to achieve that.

Like what, Dad?

That's not important.

But my point is this:

Let your mother's lunacy be a lesson to you.

If you don't learn to accept yourself now,

you may never learn to accept yourself at all.

And if you don't accept yourself,

how will you ever be accepted into college?

That's a good point, Robert.

That's a very good point you just made.

Oh, what is taking Mother so long?

She can't be lost.

My directions were explicit.

Dave, doctor, buddy-- calm down.

You're going to blow the whole operation.

Why are you...

The ring, Carl-- the ring.

We can't let our mother see it.

Man, you are way too high strung.

Did you ever think of prescribing yourself something?

I'm not usually like this, Carl.

I just grossly underestimated

how nervous this situation would make me.

[doorbell rings]

[Dave gasps]

Ladies, to what do I owe this honor?

Greetings, and excuse us.

We're here to see Ginger.

[Noelle groaning]

I trusted you, Carl.

I trusted you.

BLAKE: Ah, you are a malleable one, Sussman.

You can thank me later, Foutley,

for destroying your relationship with Noelle!

[laughs evilly]

MRS. DAVE: Not much to look at from the outside.

Ditto for the inside.

Mother, it's so good to...

Your hair's too long,

your shirt's too small,

and I see a cavity forming on that back molar.

Lay off the sweets.

Greetings, Ginger.

What are you guys doing here?

We're here on urgent business regarding Dodie Bishop's mother.

Josie!

It's, like, who does she think she is?

She's attached herself to our crew

and we find ittrèsannoying.

[all repeating"très"]

Verytrès.

I know, but Dodie has convinced herself

that her mom is cool

and that you guys like hanging with her.

Cool?

I should say not.

I can't even say she's the opposite of cool, which is hot,

which she is not.

No, no, no, no, no.

Look, you guys.

I think Dodie needs to hear this with her own ears.

Do you mind?

Typically, when our group makes a secondary house call,

we not only bill for the house call,

but also for the travel time.

But it's the only way

to get Josie out of your hair.

COURTNEY: Done.

I reckon housekeeping duties fall by the wayside

when you're a working mom.

Yeah, well, you're more than welcome

to drag a mop across the floor there, Grandma.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Dave.

I'm Ginger, Lois's daughter.

Looking forward to dining with you

in the very near future.

Fried chicken, I understand,

for the health- conscious.

Mom's is the best.

From the looks of her, I don't doubt it.

Mom, can I please, please, please

run out to Dodie's for a minute?

I wouldn't ask

unless it was really important, which it is.

Take me with you.

[Dave laughing hysterically]

Oh, she's just kidding, Mother.

She's kidding.

She kids so often-- she really does.

Big kidder-- kiddy, kiddy, kidder.

The kidmeister.

You know, they call her that at work.

No, they don't.

Thanks, Mom.

I'll be back ASAP.

Later.

"Later"?

I reckon proper manners

must also fall by the wayside

when you're a working mom.

Should I ring the bell?

No!

Then we'll have to deal with Josie.

Let's toss a pebble at her window,

like they do in the movies.

Here, let me.

No, no, no-- I can do it.

[pebble ricochets off window]

Ow!

Oh, my eye!

Shh! Josie might hear you.

But it's bleeding.

That was positively exhilarating.

Let's have another go.

[pebble taps window]

MIPSY: Ow!

[inaudible]

The popular girls!

The A-list.

They're all right there on my lawn.

This is it!

Do not vie for their acceptance, Dodie.

Do not be a Josie.

For if you don't learn to accept yourself now...

HOODSEY [in distance]: How are you ever going to get accepted into college!

That's right.

[sighs]

That's exactly right.

Hello, Ginger.

Courtney, Miranda.

Mipsy, Missy, Mindy, Traci, Stacey,

Casey, Donna, Diva, Dina and Hope.

Nice to see you all.

I do my homework

in an oversized "Farewell Froggy" T-shirt

and stripey leggings.

Now you know.

Yes.

Dodie, I brought these girls over here

because...

Let me cut right to the chase.

It's getting late and Mipsy needs to be seen by a doctor.

Now, Ginger has told me that you are under the false impression

that we girls enjoy hanging with your mother.

And we don't.

No.

We don't appreciate her trying

to "walk the walk, talk the talk,"

or pull off wearing a frayed jean skirt

when she's clearly in her s.

[group cackles]

Oh, wow.

You see, Dodie?

They don't think your mom is cool.

That's fine.

My mother doesn't need to be cool.

And neither do I.

Is that all?

Basically.

Can we go now?

Dodie, wait.

Are you okay?

I'm more than okay, Ginger.

I confronted the popular girls

and I stood my ground.

Now I just have to confront my mother.

Oh, you're one brave girl, Bishop.

Oh, I got to run

before I get in trouble withmymother.

Drop my "Popular in Peach" nail color, Mother.

This is an intervention.

What?

You're not Josie McDonald,

and you'renotcool.

And I'm not cool either!

How do you know about her?

Dad showed me your junior high school yearbook.

Do you really think those popular girls

are better than we are?

Because I don't.

Not anymore.

I, uh...

I guess sometimes girls like us,

we... we get so wrapped up in wanting to be liked,

that, uh... well, we forget to like ourselves.

And I suppose that's what's most important after all.

So let's try to remember that, shall we?

Both of us.

There's something else important

to remember, Mom.

Where teenagers are concerned,

the best rule is this: One per household,

and I've pretty much got it covered.

Yes, I see that.

Thanks for being so understanding, Mom.

We should have mother-daughter talks like this more often.

I did it!

I did!

I had an open, honest conversation with my mother.

I didn't back down

and she didn't yell at me.

Major milestone.

This could be the start of something good.

JoANN: Oh, for goodness sake, Deirdre.

Turn down the volume on that mouthpiece of yours.

I can barely hear myself think.

Oh, well-- at least she's back to normal...

whatever that means.

Frankly, it's a little pinkish for poultry.

Can I butter your biscuit for you?

CARL: Mom!

GINGER: Sorry I'm late, everyone.

Whew, I'm starved.

Well, mission accomplished,

you'll be glad to know.

Really?

What mission is that, Ginger?

Well, it's like this.

Dodie's Mom was totally embarrassing her at school

but Dodie, who has never confronted her mom

about anything, tried to just convince herself

that it was a good thing,

even though her mom was being really rude

and hurting her feelings.

Mmm, this is really good chicken, Mom.

Thank you, Ginger, but please,

go on with the story of the interfering mother

who nearly sabotaged her own child's happiness.

Oh, right.

Well, the good news is,

tonight Dodie finally mustered the courage

to talk to her mom

about the things that were bothering her.

And it's about time.

I mean, we're almost high school freshmen, you know.

High school freshmen, indeed.

Now, listen here, Mother...

GINGER: Something's burning.

LOIS: Oh, holy cannoli.

[coughing]

[making strange karate yells]

Noelle.

Honey, baby.

What are you doing here?

Is this the big engagement dinner

where you ask her to marry you?

Well, is it?

Really good chicken, Ms. Foutley.

Thank you.

Now, what are you talking about?

Don't bother trying to deceive me.

Gripling told me everything.

I know about the lies, about the love,

about the diamond engagement ring.

ALL: What diamond engagement ring?

[making karate yells]

I bought that ring.

And I can explain.

Explain why you bought my son

a diamond engagement ring?

You'd better!

Oh, well... the...

the ring is not for Carl, Lois.

It's... [clears throat]

It's for you.

MRS. DAVE: David!

I bought that ring

so that I could propose to you, Lois.

But I was afraid of what my mother would say

and that's why I wanted her to meet you first.

I'll tell you what I'd say.

Mother, please.

I love this woman, and her children,

and her burnt buns.

And so, Lois,

when I pry that ring off your son's finger

and have it cleaned and resized...

will you marry me?

Oh, Dr. Dave.

[makes karate noises]

I... I think.

If it's all the same, I'd...

I'd like to answer off-camera.

♪ But I'm of the mind

♪ That if she's so inclined

♪ It might help seal the deal

♪ Diamonds are expensive

LOIS: ♪ Diamonds are impressive

DAVE: ♪ They are sparkly but expensive ♪

LOIS: ♪ Sparkly and impressive

DAVE: ♪ Diamonds are expensive

LOIS: ♪ Impressive

DAVE: ♪ Expensive

LOIS: ♪ Impressive...

JoANN: And that was dope.