06x05 - When Sisters Collide and The Return of the Grifters

[bunniefuu]

When the hell are
the pizzas getting here?

My stomach just growled
at me like Cocaine Bear.

It might be my fault
that they're taking forever.

I ordered a vegan one
with cauliflower crust

and tapioca cheese.

And then for the meat, they got to use,

like, a soy isolate. I don't know.

- As a veterinarian...
- Ugh.

I appreciate your vegan values.

But as a hungry man, I think
you should always eat alone.

If I may paraphrase Nathan Hale,

I may not agree with Darlene
calling it a pizza,

but I will defend with my life
her right to eat that crap.

No, Nathan Hale said,

"I regret that I have but one
life to lose for my country."

The "defend my life" thing was Rousseau.

Oh, Darlene.

We are never so stupid as when
we are trying to be smart.

The "defend my life" quote
is by Voltaire.

Oh, Becky.

We're never so stupid
as when we're trying

to prove somebody else stupid.

It was Rousseau.

No, no, Becky's right.
It was Voltaire.

And Becky is the winner

of "stupid stuff we don't care about

"but interrupts 'The Golden Bachelor, '

which we do care about because
that old man deserves love."

Oh, big whoop,
Becky got one thing right.

Doesn't make her a genius.

Oh, the fact that I always
got better grades than you

and now I'm in college
working toward my master's

is why you think I'm a genius.

- Oh!
- Ooh!

It's fine. She can do her sad
little victory lap later

in the room that I rent her.

- Oh-ho! Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
- [Jackie laughs]

I'm still kind of new to the family.

- Should I have ooh'd?
- Uh, depends.

You want to be part of the
family or some outsider weirdo?

Darlene, I can't tell
if you're green with envy

or the lead in an
elementary-school version

of "Wicked."

You think I'm jealous of you
because you were

an honor student 30 years ago?

I read, I watch documentaries,
I listen to podcasts

and not just the ones I agree with.

I also choke down the horrible
ones so I can make fun of them

with veracity.

"Veracity." Big word. Look it up.

Well, that was
a completely normal reaction.

Good luck with that later.

Ah, sometimes
she brings the angry to bed,

which I don't mind.

Better than when she brings the sad.

[door closes]

What's everybody doing over here?

Waiting for pizzas
and trying not to visualize

that thing that Ben just said.

- Dan, what's that?
- What's what?

Is that a reflective vest?

I'd ask if you're a crossing guard,

but I've seen you lay
on the horn to scatter kids

as you blow through a school zone.

Oh, my God.

That was you I saw on the side
of the road picking up trash.

Are you doing community service?

Community service?

You're the one who defaced the sign

to make it say "Welcome to LAN-Turd."

This isn't for the DUI
you took for me, is it?

I gave you 500 bucks for a
lawyer to get you out of that.

Something came up,
and I needed the money.

Something more important than your DUI?

[sighs] It's none
of your business, Neville.

And I'm paying the price
for it, case closed.

Well, usually when you give people money

for something specific,

you just want to know that
that's what they spent it on.

But I guess you don't mind
a little sleight of hand.

You call me a grifter again,

we're going to have a big problem.

Oh, look, everybody in the hot tub

is fishing around with their
feet for somebody's dentures.

I'm not calling you
a grifter this time, Dan,

but you did lie to me.

You call me a liar in my
own house, those people on TV

won't be the only ones
looking for their teeth.

[scoffs]

And now you're threatening me.
That's it. I'm out.

Oh, come on, Neville.

Hey, take a breath, man!
We just ordered pizza.

Oh, sorry, you're right.

I haven't paid for my share of it yet.

Um, here you go.

There you go.

I just paid for it in Dan bucks.

Okay, well, everybody,
it's been a lovely evening,

but we really got to run.

No, seriously, we have to run.


The Return of the Grifters[/i]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

What are you doing here?

I'm letting Harris
run The Lunch Box today.

The Red Hat Ladies
started meeting there,

and they're trying to recruit me,

and it's all about positivity
and friendship and fun.

And I thought, mm, what's
the kryptonite to that?

Darlene.

Well, I don't care
for friendship and fun,

and I won't stand for it.

Hi, Mom and Aunt Jackie,
for some reason.

- Mom, this is Cash and London.
- Oh.

Sounds like a Guy Ritchie movie.

It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Conner.

Thank you for preparing
all this great food for us.

Oh, please, call me Darlene.

And it's nice to meet you guys,
too, even if you are lying.

[laughter]

Okay, I guess we all know
the food is pretty bad.

Even the stoners say
this stuff will k*ll you.

Well, we do have
banana-berry smoothies now,

if you guys would like
something a little healthier.

Actually, Darlene,
it's not really healthier.

We learned in biochemistry
that the benefits

of the polyphenols in the berries

are mitigated... you know, lessened...

by the enzymes in the banana.

Well, Cash, all
of the benefits are mitigated...

you know, lessened...

by the scoop of
preservative-filled ice cream

that we dump in there.

Oh, I just thought
you might want to know.

Now you can share my little
food fact with people

and sound smart.

Wow.

Uh, you know what they
might find interesting?

A few blows to the head with this tray.

No, don't k*ll them.

- Oh, don't k*ll them?
- No, no, no, no, no.

- Don't. Okay.
- No.

No, I-I just started
hanging out with them.

They didn't mean anything by it.

Yes, they did. They're
assuming that I'm uneducated

because I'm serving food
back here with an apron on.

It it's so classist.

I mean, I went to college.
I was a magazine writer.

I know stuff.

God, what is it with everybody?
Do I look stupid?

That wasn't rhetorical.

Okay, look, my friends are being jerks.

I'll go talk to them.
But please don't hurt them.

We need them for trivia tonight.

Hey. Where do you guys play trivia?

At The All Nighter.
It's a college hangout bar.

- And, no, absolutely not.
- You know what?

Maybe I don't need you
to talk to your friends.

Oh, God, it's in slow motion,
and I can't stop it.

I'm going to this trivia night,

and I'm going to crush
their little brains

with my superior knowledge.

And then you hit them with this.

Oh, don't k*ll them.

Oh, thanks for swinging
by the wholesaler.

I was desperate for new cutlery.

Yeah, you got it, hon.

Yeah, I was down a few forks
because the customers

keep bending the tines in the rib eye.

That new cook is grilling them too long.

But I guess they like
them tougher in prison

than we do on the outside.

So can I make you something to eat?

Uh, no, no.
I'll... I'll see you at home.

Why? What's the matter?

Honestly, I don't want to run into Dan.

Oh, you're still mad about the money?

Jackie, he took what I gave him

and didn't use it for what
he said he would... not cool.

Okay, so he said he was going to use

the money for one thing
and used it for something else.

It's Chicago.
We vote for people like that.

Well, I don't give anyone
a break for lying,

not even family.

I learned that from my father.

I thought you always told me

your father was never around
to teach you anything.

Well, he taught me by example.

He lied when he missed
my tap-dancing recital,

my blue-ribbon hog
at the 4-H Pork-A-Palooza,

my winning yodel at Oktoberfest...

No, I know, it was bad. It's bad.

Because a boy like that
needs a dad around

to teach him how to defend himself.

I just... I can't stand
being around liars, Jackie.

Spend as much time
with your family as you want,

but Dan is not welcome at our place.

And I am never going over to his.

I am done with him.

You know, when I told you

I wanted you to be more assertive,

that was only supposed
to be when you agree with me!

The super-intense lady
over there ordered you guys

a round of Shirley Temples.

See, now we're in their heads...

- Mm.
- Reminding them

they're only children about
to run into a trivia buzzsaw.

Sometimes I can't believe

that you're a mom.

Hey, everyone, thanks for coming

to Trivia Night at The All Nighter.

[cheers and applause]

Just a reminder... we play
"Jeopardy!"-style rules.

The team that answers
correctly gets first cr*ck

to answer the next question.

Okay, let's do a warm-up drill.

- Ask me any question.
- Okay.

Uh, what's your sister doing here?

Okay.

What is "the first line of
dialogue in most p*rn movies"?

That's right,
but that's not what I meant.

- Becky, why are you here?
- Oh.

My friends and I come here
on Thursdays after class.

Oh, friends are people who
enjoy spending time with you.

What are you doing here?

Reminding Mark's little pals
that there's a brain

underneath the hairnet
that serves them lunch.

Oh, it's going to be pretty embarrassing

when that brain loses in trivia
to its superior sister brain.

No way.

I'm going to drown you all
in my tsunami of brilliance.

Sorry, sis. You're Toast Malone.

Uh, just so you know,
I'll be cheering for Darlene,

but inside, I think...

this is sad for everyone.

[bluesy harmonica music]

So, hey, thanks again for
stopping by to fix the stools.

They've gotten pretty loose.

When you serve booze, you
have to know who to cut off,

and that's hard
when everybody's wobbling

like Weebles.

You know...

quite a coincidence that
all these screws were loose

by exactly two turns.

- When's Neville getting here?
- Neville? Who's Neville?

Oh, right, Neville.

Yeah, he should be here any second,

but just to pick me up after
work, like he always does.

So he's also a pawn
in this little game of yours?

Please, just go with it.

Hey.

Ugh.

I should have known something was up

when you said if I came in,

you'd have a sexy surprise for me.

And here I am.

- And I'm leaving.
- No, I'm leaving.

I'm the one who's mad,
and I want to slam the door.

Nev... Neville.

Jeez, please, talk to him.

You're the two most important
men in my life.

You always said
that was me and Paul Dano.

Honey.

Dan's not your dad, okay?

I just really need you to work this out.

All right. Fine.

Are we just going to stand here

and stare at each other all night?

Why did you lie to me about
what you did with the money?

I did something stupid.
Now I have to make good on it.

So you ran into a problem.

Why didn't you take me aside
and tell me?

What's the point?
I'm clearly a con man.

For the last 50 years, I've lain in wait

for Jackie to marry a doctor

just so I could swindle him out of $500.

But I wasn't counting
on the likes of you!

All right, everyone, just
a quick score update for you...

"Laurence O-triv-ier" is out.

So in first place, we have
team "Alex TreBecky"...

Yeah!

Followed by
"Hold me Closer, Tiny Answer."

[both grunt]

"Mark Spitz Facts,"
this question is to you.

"Plutophobia is the fear of what?"

Uh...

plutophobia is the fear of Pluto.

Is it a planet? Is it an asteroid?

Is it a cartoon dog?

Nobody knows, and they're afraid of it.

I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

Oh, the question goes to
"Hold Me Closer, Tiny Answer."

Plutophobia is the fear of having money,

the one mental disorder missing
in my family.

That is correct.

- Yes!
- [both grunting]

And with that question,

"Alex TreBecky" and "Tiny Answer"

are tied for the top score,
which means it's sudden death.

Well, you're gone.

And you're as good as dead.

But don't worry...
I'll visit your grave.

"Beloved mother, sister, trivia loser."

Yours will just say, "Finally."

Okay, "Tiny Answer,"
this is for the game.

"What is the name of the daughter

in a popular TV comedy who
is known for being a vegan?"

Oh. Oh, I know this. I know this.

- Come on.
- [groans]

- I know this!
- I know!

God, it sounds so familiar.

Ten seconds.

Okay, she lives in a working-class town.

She's got that mom with the funny voice

and the dad who drinks a lot of beer.

Five seconds.

Oh, my God, it's
on the tip of my tongue.

Oh, I'm so sorry. You're out of time.

Oh, the question goes
to "Alex TreBecky."

Buh-bye.

The answer is that
mystery-solving vegan, Velma,

from Scooby-Doo.

Ruh-roh.

The correct answer is Lisa Simpson.

That guess was more embarrassing

than not getting it at all.

God, you're so jealous of me,
it's humiliating.

No, what's humiliating
is being a 48-year-old woman

at a college trivia night.

Oh, honey, you're going
to regret that one.

No, what's humiliating is trying to b*at

your son's friends
at a college trivia night.

- Screw you!
- Oh! Oh!

Where are you?
I can't see you because I'm...

I'm blinded by your wit!

Okay, this is a friendly game.

- You need to leave.
- Yeah, you hear that?

- You should leave. Go.
- He's talking to you!

- Bye!
- He's talking to you!

- Bye!
- You!

- Bye!
- You!

Both of you!

- Now.
- You.

[sighs] I'm right behind you.

Just got to pay the bill

and explain how the Buffalo wing sauce

interacted with your medication.

What the hell is wrong with you?

There is nothing wrong with me.

You're just being a jerk lately.

You always think I'm a jerk,
so what's different now?

Lately, everybody's
treating me like I'm a dummy.

Even Mark's friends
are talking down to me.

And you never miss an opportunity

to make fun of my job.

I never said anything
bad about your job.

- I know why you're doing it.
- Oh, whatever.

I'm sure you say it behind my back.

If I'm gonna slam you,
I'm gonna do it to your face.

I want to see that little flash of hurt.

It's like whipped cream
on top of a brownie.

It wasn't supposed to be this way.

You know, your life wasn't
supposed to be getting better

while mine was getting worse.

You got to be kidding me.

I spent so much time
screwing up my life,

it took me forever to get here.

I was kind of hoping that
you'd just be happy for me.

Well, I was kind of hoping that, too.

It would make me a much better person.

Look, this is hard for me to admit...

but the only reason I'm doing
so well is because of you.

You convinced me to go back to school.

You gave me and Beverly Rose
a place to live.

My successes are your successes.

Does that mean my failures
are also your failures?

You have so little, why don't
you keep those for yourself?

You knew you would be
way overqualified for your job,

but that doesn't make you
a less intelligent person.

Yeah, but I just don't feel sharp.

I mean, Voltaire, Rousseau...
I used to know all that stuff.

Now I'm on autopilot every day,

and I'm just not being
challenged right now.

You know, you need to find other ways

to engage your mind.

A lot of people your age,
they like the Jumble.

[knock at door]

Before you slam the door in my face,

I'm sorry I got so mad.

You're being all vague about something

that you think I can't understand,

but I don't understand what it is

I'm not supposed to be understanding.

If you're going to babble
a bunch of nonsense,

have the decency to do it
a little drunk.

Come on in.

I'll get your beer.

Oh, hey, Crystal.

I had no idea you were still up.

Oh, uh, Dan, I didn't know
you had company.

We can talk another time.

Wait, I know you. I've seen pictures.

You're Jackie's husband, Neville.

Neville, this is Crystal,
my dad's widow.

I've heard so much about you.

Aren't you also Dan's wife's brother?

Yes, I am.

You guys don't fish in too
many different ponds, do you?

She just got out of the hospital.

She's going to stay with us
for a couple of weeks.

We don't want to keep you up, Crystal.

No, I'm feeling better, thanks to you.

Dan's the only good thing

my worthless bastard
of a husband ever gave me.

Dan coming up with the money
to help me pay my medical bills

was a lifesaver.

[sighs] It's no big deal, Crystal.

I think it's time for you to go to bed.

Nice to meet you, Neville.

They gave me a gummy for my pain,

and I'm starting to hear colors.

[sighs]

Well, the further I get
into this family,

the more questions I have.

That's what she didn't want
me to tell anybody about.

But apparently Earl Grey
and a gummy changed her mind.

I used the 500
to buy her heart medicine.

She was embarrassed
to be taking a handout.

That is very generous, Dan,

but I would have understood that.

When she was married to my dad,

she noticed her ankles started swelling.

And my dad didn't want to pay
for a bunch of expensive tests,

so he convinced her
all she needed was diuretics.

Wow. He did that to his own wife?

He was always trying to b*at the system.

He talked me into getting
them from my doctor,

and like a fool, I went along with it,

and she never got tested.

What was actually wrong with her?

Congestive heart failure.

Just found out about a year ago.

And I carry some of the blame for that.

Oh, that's not on you, man.
Your dad talked you into it.

But I'm starting to understand

why the word "grifter"
bothers you so much.

Yeah, I had stuff with my dad, too.

Yeah, Louise told me he was
a real piece of work.

Why do you think I give
all my love to animals, hmm?

A cow never lied to me
about why he couldn't come

to my yodeling competition.

You yodeled?

Boy, talk about stuff
you don't want to tell people.

You'd think at our age,
we still wouldn't be dealing

with daddy issues, you know?

Thank God we have great partners who...

you know, put up with our baggage.

Here's to the men who ruined us

and the women just
damaged enough to want us.

[bottles clink]

ALL: Darlene!

What do you say to a beer, Darlene?

I'd say, bring your friend Tom Collins,

'cause I'm in the mood for a throuple.

I got to ask you, Darlene,

what do you get
out of b*ating these kids

at trivia every week.

Hmm, I'm not sure.

Let me ask my friend.

Oh, Mr. Collins would like to know

why you're standing here yammering at me

when you've got a game to start.

[child giggles]