01x03 - Private Lives

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

boy am i shocked

i mean you know who would have guessed

that

basic instinct would have had so much

nudity i mean so much graphic gratuitous

sex i mean really if i would have known

that it was such trash i never would

have rented this well be careful it's my

only cop here

basic instinctus

if i didn't know better i think you're

trying to put me in the mood has the

woman ever tied you up no

only my mother she used to make me wear

one of those leashes when we used to go

shopping at macy's

you're funny i like that in a man

oh hey

you're in my living room

i like that in a lady

never felt this way before

nothing could ruin this moment

ah jeez we're out of paper

my father

you're supposed to go out tonight

what the hell were you doing in there

fighting a losing battle my son

i mean what are you doing at home i

thought tonight was your poker night at

pete peters so did i but pete took the

wrong medication again and when i got

there he was declaring himself king of

the pixies and yelling look at me look

at me

dad you've been here since like what

nine o'clock had a bottle of wine

watched an entire movie are you telling

me you're in that basin for over two

hours i didn't say it was a personal

best

can we just talk about the slater before

you go into your career highlights and

god forbid bloopers

al

al mitchell nice to meet you al gina

rosetti rosetta oh dad please

please don't do this what did i do

i like italians i love italy it's a

beautiful country oh isn't it though

yeah

i almost felt bad when we had a b*mb the

crap out of it in world w*r ii

well now that you've alienated my friend

and knowing what a big day of tomorrow

at the u.n stephen don't do that i think

your father's cute besides i have a

great sense of humor about my heritage

does does this sound familiar

now here's your cookie

you know stephen i think it's time for

me to go home gina i'm sorry but once i

hear latin it takes me right back to the

sisters and there i am again in my

little blue and white uniform yeah well

i don't know what to say you still have

that uniform

thanks steven maybe next time okay ciao

just as well you've been alone so long

you'd probably cry out your own name

[Music]

i'm miserable dr mitchell

no matter where i go i can't help but

feel that people are staring at us

thinking what the hell's she doing with

that guy

uh-huh

believe it or not

a lot of people out there think

well i'm sort of a dork

well look arthur you know you can't live

your life worrying about what other

people think about you really i mean it

could be an awfully cruel world out

there yeah that's why guys like you and

me got to stick together right

yeah you know something

when i see debbie

i see a warm

beautiful woman who loves you very much

so my suggestion to you is just to just

put aside all those negative thoughts

and just focus on the

abundant affection that this fine woman

uh has chosen to bestow only on you

you see arthur

all that really matters is that i love

you and i love you too

um

and i promise no more freddie good no

more worrying about someone thinking i'm

a dork cause i'm not i love you and

tonight when i see the guys in my

barbershop quartet i'm gonna tell the

whole world

oh thank you dr mitchell

we love you love you too okay

next time okay bye-bye okay

bye-bye

season what are you just doing here i've

never seen two people leave therapy so

happy in all my life yeah

well i'm just glad i helped make them uh

a loving couple again they're a couple

what the hell is she doing with that guy

stephen have you found the curtis file

yet

stephen i i know i stand the risk of

giving up my entire afternoon here but

are you okay oh christine i'm sorry i

just have a few things in my mind that's

all oh what did your father do now

he's just there he's always there

you know from the moment he moved in i

have not had one moment of privacy

between my workload you know and join

custody of danny forget about it i'm

lucky if i have like one night a week to

date a big deal so he butted in once

jack ruby butted in once

look steven i just saw one happy will

leave this office and when you get down

to it what are you and your father

a hideous freak of nature no you're a

couple roommates what you clearly need

to do is bring that same type of couple

counseling home with you oh you think so

sure i think so my boyfriend frank and i

went to therapy because we were having

some little problems yeah well frank has

four little problems a wife and three

kids

true but thanks to therapy at least i

know where i stand now yeah yeah two

blocks away in the bushes waiting for

the all-clear signal

look make jokes but the therapy is

helping

frank says he's gonna leave his way

right after the election

all right fine great i'll pick up some

chinese and uh we'll meet you at seven

me oh no i didn't mean i should do the

therapy

oh like i haven't helped you before

how many times have i done this

yeah hello frank hold on a minute all

right all right

but you owe me

geez

you me and your father and counseling

talk about my worst nightmare

well that's your worst nightmare no mine

was

i'm in bed with sydney crawford

she turns into broadway crawford

and then i say

ah what the hell

until i read this letter of rejection

what should it do to these guys

they really hate you

you're reading by mail

i can't believe you're reading my mail

is that what you do with your days when

danny's not here yeah

aside from all the continuings i'm

invited to

we got to talk we got some real problems

oh no there's no problems really no

problems at all i see you're a little

late with your visa bill

dad you have a total disregard for my

privacy

and that's christine okay now she has

volunteered to come over to help us

share some of our feelings oh no

you're not going to get me into that

counseling crap doctor

hi al

save that sweet talk for those other

wackos honey

i know what you two are up to

she's gonna show me an ink block i'm

gonna see a naked lady and pretty soon

you're gonna be signing all my checks

dad that's a totally ridiculous idea

and one i hadn't actually thought of

before stephen if you don't mind

this isn't pick on owl time al i'm

simply here to help you to find a common

ground to help you get along better as

roommates

well you're doing a fine job

i'm a perfect roommate in fact i'm a

great roommate ask anyone hi steven

accept her

what are you doing here i thought you'd

be passed out on a pile of peanut shells

by now

oh go to hell oh good snappy comeback

i'll have you know i only have one

cocktail a night yeah but you drink it

out of an aquarium

[Applause]

so mom what brings you to camelot

actually i brought over a present for

your father al they delivered your heart

medicine last week and i brought it

right over

what you've had my heart medicine for a

week

i could have crawled

what took you so long i was busy you see

that she wants to k*ll me that's not

true al

get your heart medicine come on come on

please guys can you like like take us

somewhere else like maybe down by the

docks or hey what about a biker bar that

would be cool helen i'm glad you're here

maybe you can shed some light on a few

problems steven and al are having as

roommates oh we don't have any problems

helen tell em how nice i can be to bunk

with oh you're a regular picnic al

after living with you for two days anne

frank would have yelled hey boys i'm

over here

you see i'm not alone on this so tell me

did you have any problems with privacy

privacy sure

except during sex

during sex i hardly knew he was there

yeah right i rode you like shoemaker

baby

oh you promised please don't talk about

your sex life in front of me i don't

know what makes me go through some kind

of embarrassing shriveling thing i don't

know

it's his nature the man has to ruin

everything did he tell you that he lost

our house our retirement money i am

practically a bad lady you're half right

i never thought that i would be spending

my golden years bending over on the new

jersey turnpike picking up cans i knew

it when i met you

well at least we all agree that you're a

lousy roommate

now the least you can do is sit through

one session with me and christine or we

can chuck the whole thing and have mom

over for dinner oh good steven good jam

the bamboo up real high steven

real high okay okay let's get this damn

thing over with well you're gonna have

to do it without me i have better things

planned big date with jim beam tonight

oh by the way al the doctor said you

should take your heart medicine with

plenty of alcohol and make sure you

operate heavy machinery

i should have k*lled it when i had the

chance

why don't we just get started uh tell me

stephen

when was the last privacy issue you had

with your father oh privacy well or

about 20 minutes ago i come home from

work and he's reading my mail so so

you need to know how this might make

your son feel all you know

this is the perfect opportunity for a

little role reversal

i'm home i'm home from work

what a long day what a long day boys i

don't know what's the matter with me why

are my arms like this

i don't know i i think i'm going crazy

son i'm uh going through your personal

and private mail which of course i have

no business reading at all

that's okay dad that's okay i think i'm

going blind from reading nursing home

brochures

oh son you have plans tonight because uh

i want to make sure i'm around so i can

uh ruin them not really not really dead

i don't have those kind of plans i just

want to try to bed down some idiot who

thinks i'm a real doctor hey hey hey

that's a fail christine he's not a foul

stephen you're breaking character i i am

not i am not breaking character

he's breaking the rules i knew it

dad there's like one big joke here isn't

it there huh what did what did

i'm not dead

in all due respect

i'm stephen

i think i think i'll go upstairs

no maybe i'll maybe i'll stay here i no

no

no no maybe i'll take a shower that's it

and i washed my hair with with 25 pounds

of of moose

oh geez it's been 15 minutes since my

last ethnic slur christine uh what are

you dear uh irish let me make you feel a

little more at home

stephen have you been this angry with

your father your whole life well i guess

i have i mean come on the guy never

gives me any slack it's gone back since

i was 10 years old he broke into my

diary yeah like that was interesting

dear diary today i am depressed

and again they picked me last for

kickball

i think i have a tumor

dad you are violating my rights what

rights when you live under my roof you

live by my rules yeah well you're under

my roof now so maybe it's my turn good

stephen set up some boundaries rules to

live by how does that sound to you al

like the first half hour of stalling 17

i can't live like that

dad hey stephen i'm 67 years old and i

didn't come this far to be treated like

some kid

you know i'm sorry dad really there's

gonna have to be some laws of mutual

respect around here really no opening my

mail okay and when i'm working don't

bother me and if i happen to have a

woman in the house like tomorrow night

by some miracle gina's coming over again

you either get out of the house or you

stay in your room and what if i don't

want to do any of this crap well then

i'm just gonna have to leave

oh

can you believe so much rain i've never

seen it before in my life

oh

oh stephen i don't know i really think i

should be going home

now

what are you kidding me somebody

lightened it to that cat outside forget

about it looked like it belonged in the

museum of you know for cats with no skin

what are you doing oh uh i'm just

checking i uh you know have a few

problems with squatters you know

okay

look stephen i just don't think it's

meant to be for us

what are you talking about tonight's

gonna be different my father's out of

the house so big deal the continental

park got canceled we'll make our own

little concert right here in the living

room look we got music

now the rest is just left to our

imagination

i don't know about you but right now

imagining i'm i'm blind

oh you make me laugh

i'm still dressed

you are a really good kisser

you know tonight might just work out

okay after all

want some pastrami

dad what is your problem you know you're

not supposed to be here look steven i

know you have these new rules but i

really got hungry so i snuck down in the

kitchen and i made myself a sandwich and

just as i was starting up the stairs the

lights went out so what happened to

poker night at pete peters we had to

cancel you see every time there's a big

storm pete picks up guam on his metal

plate

steven maybe i'll just leave oh no

please you two make yourself comfortable

i'm sorry this won't happen again yeah

well i better not uh i'll go upstairs

lock myself in my room and you won't

even hear me yeah but we're still gonna

talk about this i'm far away i can't

even hear you

i swear on my mother's grave and it's a

big grave cause i buried her with her

jewelry

you won't see me take one step down in

here tonight

oh stephen i love this music

it makes me feel like we're in the

caribbean

can you see it stephen

tell me what you can see

oh i see sand i see a woman with bananas

in her head

oh i see pablo escobar's cousin like

landing a little cessna on a dirt run

oh stephen i can almost fear the waves

crashing on the beach

oh god

i hope that's a burglar

look before you do anything i'm old and

i break easy

i'm blacking out

you know something i can't believe it

you know he's like judd nelson's career

just when you think he's gone forever

he's back it was an emergency there's a

cricket in my room and i had to come

down and get some bug spray you should

have seen it tripping its ass off and

hopping all around reminded me of your

mother on that trip to mexico you know

dad i am so sick and tired of your

excuses and your frightening imagery so

get upstairs now

i'm gone

this time i'm totally gone you won't

hear me you won't see me

and you won't even think of the name al

mitchell

pizza from mitchell oh this is

ridiculous

what the hell took you so long so i get

it free

stephen look it just doesn't look like

our night why why well what's the what's

the what's the problem here yeah what's

the problem you

you're the problem i can't believe i was

so stupid to see that this thing would

work

you can't cooperate you can't get along

and most of all you can't follow the

rules so get upstairs and think about

this because i can't live like this

anymore

fine

now where were we on some damn hot

island where i had like sand in my shoes

and all the coconuts they look like fat

ball belligerent men right

i mean what then this was your stupid

fantasy

oh gina look i'm sorry really look i i

got to get this thing off my chest

before the the clock moves up and goes

right into my brain maybe we'll go out

next week after i get my father out of

here

yeah i think i'll just play the field

for a while if i can't find anyone

better i'll give you a call

it's a date

what are you doing dad what does it look

like i'm packing

we're gonna go larry's no he don't want

me there either

i'll go to the shelter at least people

there talk to you

they don't know they're talking to you

but hey it's company

this is not about talking dad it's about

rules and respect

oh god you have any idea what it took me

to get gina to come back to the house

tonight you know i'm not sure if you've

noticed but i'm recently divorced and i

can use a little human companionship

oh tell me about it my wife left me all

my friends were in miami or dead i don't

have any money and my sons don't want me

around them

is that what

this is all about i mean i mean what are

you saying you're lonely

is that why you're in my face all the

time

it's not my fault you ever look at the

size of your head

you know when you were a kid

clowns were even scared of you

man

i'm a psychologist i can't believe i

didn't see this

oh man dad this is the first time you've

ever been alone in your life

oh look really dad i'm so sorry i mean i

really shouldn't do this to you pop i

you know when i think back you were

always there for me remember when i was

like about eight or nine i was sick and

i had the shingles right i couldn't go

to school and i was up all night i and i

couldn't sleep you just stayed here and

you were telling me all those hilarious

fairy tales remember you know my

favorite one was

that handsome prince who sold more

cadillacs than anyone in the whole land

you know the part i liked when when the

guy k*lled his vicious wife

and he pushed her he pushed her off a

cliff in the trunk of an el dorado

oh dad look why you just stay all right

look it'll be different we'll get along

because look

you're my father you've always been

there for me and now i want to be here

for you what do you say

okay

i'll stay thanks a lot

but

you got to talk to me nice

and treat me like a human being

i could do that

thanks steven for for letting me stay

you're a good son

thanks then

oh steven

yeah

i hope i didn't mess you up with that

girl no no no it's okay

here's a dollar what get yourself

another hooker

[Music]

hi hal

hi and i don't want to talk to you

oh

[Music]

you